TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHAPTER: MENTION OF SUIC*DE
Chapter Two:
A part of me had half expected that my father would bring us to the same home that he shared with my mother from when I was a little girl. The small home that I remember the four of us barely fitting in, that I wondered now if Ben could even recall. The other part of me—the part of me that was completely prepared for the idea that my father moved on from that home just like he had moved on from our family was expecting to pull up to a disaster of a home with an owner that was hardly ever around but what he led us to was neither of those things.
The home was actually extremely nice. A two story home with wood stained so dark blue that it actually looked black and accents of dark grey stone on the exterior of the lower level of the home, surrounding the windows and front door. The front porch to my surprise was even decorated with a few wind chimes, a cushioned bench and two chairs for warmer days. The car pulled to a stop in the driveway and as we got out of the car, me moving to collect sleepy Noah from the back seat, I noticed that the path leading to the front porch was made of stones. "We're here?" Noah asked as I took him into my arms, his hands moving up immediately to wipe the sleep from his eyes.
"Sure are, Bud." I said softly, moving to the back of the truck to gather a suitcase in one hand but finding that Ben and Dad had already grabbed all of them. I likely needed to hold Noah more than he needed for me to hold him as we followed them into the house and that much was evident by how Noah began to squirm once we were met by the warmth of the home.
"Home sweet home." Dad said with a grin as I finally let Noah down and he instantly ran to explore the new place. "Everyone gets their own bedroom, there's only one bedroom upstairs though."
"I call dibs on that one!" Ben announced, grabbing the handle of his suitcase once again and moving toward the stairs.
"Actually, I was thinking that your sister could have that space." Dad said, catching my attention away from taking in our new home with its wooden floors and pale walls, one in particularly that had caught my eye was the sight above the fireplace in the spacious living room with his brown leather couches. Pictures of us as young children and even a few pictures of Noah which I'm assuming mom had sent over the years. "Being that she's the only girl in the house, she could probably use the privacy." He said, but the way that he looked at me was telling. He was extending an olive branch of sorts stating that he would give me space.
"Um, thank you." I said, unsure of what make of all of the ways that my father was surprising me today with his character. In response, he gave me a sort of sad smile, one that told me that there was more that he wished that he could say.
"Fine, but I think I deserve first pick out of the other two." Ben announced, rounding the hallway.
"There's a swing in the back yard! Can we see it? Can we see it?" Called Noah from the other side of the home, causing for Dad and I to follow. The backdoor to the house was between the wide kitchen and the dinning room set for a family of five and surely enough, when I looked out there were two sets of swings tied to a massive tree in the backyard.
The chuckle that sounded beside me belonged to Dad and with a nod, he bent down and fully zipped up the puffer that Noah had been wearing all day. "We'll swing for just a couple of minutes and then you need to warm up inside." He said, opening the door and letting Noah run out to the swing. As if he was certain that I would stand there all day, he nodded his head toward where we stood before as if to shoo me away to unpack. "I've got it from here." He said, and for some reason I felt like he was saying something else with his words.
Uncertain of what to do with myself once he stepped through the door to place Noah on a swing, I watched them for a couple of minutes longer before forcing myself to turn on my heels and search for Ben. I found him, in a room with walls painted a deep shade of green, sitting on a queen size bed fitted with deep green plaid with a wide grin on his face. "It's cool isn't it?" He said, gesturing toward the dark wooden furniture and the room that he had now that was much larger than his room at home. Dad wouldn't know it but the boys had to share a room when we lived with mom.
"It's incredible." I said, leaning against the door frame. From there, I was able to see into the bathroom and through another door which assumed was Noah's bedroom, the two room separated by a Jack and Jill style bathroom. There was a brief pause where I considered not asking the question that burned at the tip of my tongue but I couldn't help it. "Do you…feel okay here?" I asked, searching for the smallest hint in his expression that he was ready to go anywhere else because I was having trouble finding a reason so far but so badly wanted to.
"I think that I love it here already." He said, his grin not wavering in the slightest, to that I gave a small smile.
"Good." I said, nodding to help me come to terms with the fact that I was seemingly the only person that felt uneasy about any of this. "That's really good. I think that change is really good for us with everything that happened over the past few months."
I had said the wrong thing clearly because immediately after I finished talking, his smile seemed to slowly fade. "Are you okay?" He asked suddenly but I knew better than to tell him the whole truth.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I think I'm just a little bit nervous about being new in a place like this. Especially with dad saying that everyone knows everyone and that sort of thing." I admitted and it was somewhat true. "It also just feels kind of weird leaving Oregon without mom." I muttered and instantly, my sweet younger brother was on his feet, moving to eliminate the space between the two of us and wrap his arms around me. My sweet younger brother was already the same height as me, and when his arms wrapped around me, I felt small in his embrace but even if or when he outgrew me, I would always feel responsible for him.
"Can I tell you something?" He asked softly and in response, I hummed and nodded, rubbing his back. "I don't think mom ever really loved me. I think…sometimes when she looked at me… I think that she didn't like what was looking back at her, like she was scared of something inside of me." He said and his shocked me so much that a reeled back to meet his gaze.
"Ben, she loved you. Mom was… she was dealing with a lot. She was depressed and sometimes paranoid about things, sometimes she was on cloud 9 and sometimes the completely opposite. She couldn't help it." I said with a sigh. I had also felt like mom didn't truly love us at times but feelings like that were too much weight on a sixteen-year-old's shoulders.
"Where's my room?" I heard the sound of Noah's voice fill the house and a door close soon after.
Ben and I let go of each other and Ben walked through the bathroom to the conjoined room calling out. "In here, Noah!"
Noah and Dad walked through the hall entrance of the bedroom just as I made it though the bathroom entrance and we all took in the blue walls of the bedroom. Unlike his room at home this room had a full-size bed pushed against a wall and black bedroom furniture. "I get a big bed?" Noah asked with excitement as he ran to the side of the bed, using the sides of the bed frame to hoist himself up and kick his shoes off before jumping up and down on the mattress.
With a laugh, I grabbed the boy and made him sit on the bed. "Noah, where do you get all of this energy from?" I asked but he only shrugged with a grin.
"I wanted to stay up a bit longer but I think that I'm getting tired. I should shower and go to sleep." Ben announced, and I nodded while watching him walk over to dad and give him a hug, one that was a little bit longer than the one that he had given him earlier. "Thanks Dad. For everything." He said softly and because I felt like it was an intimate moment that I wasn't supposed to see, I glancing down at my hands a second after watching dad's hands wrap around him in return.
"You don't have to thank me for anything, son. I've wanted for us all to be together for so long." Dad said causing for me to have to resist the urge to bite back at that statement. How badly could he have wanted this if he stayed away from us for so long?
Noah left the room through the bathroom, locking the door from the inside so that no one would walk in on him while he was in there and being that it was getting so late, I went to retrieve Noah's suitcase and bring it into the room, laying it on the floor and crouching down to find a pair of pajamas for the night. "My stars!" Noah said, as he watched me move the pack to the side as I picked up the long sleeve pajamas he would sleep in tonight. "Will you put my stars up daddy?"
"Stars?" Dad asked, inspecting the pack of glow in the dark stars that I had bought before mom passed away, at the time Noah refused to sleep in the room with Ben and insisted on sleeping in bed with me because he insisted that it a monster came to get him, Ben who was ever the deep sleeper, wouldn't wake up. I had brought the stars in an attempt to make Noah feel less afraid to sleep in their room but once mom died, I felt like I needed the cuddles to fall asleep just as much as he did.
"Mhm, once the stars are up Noah has to be a big boy and sleep in his own room. That was the deal once they go up. Are you ready for that Noah?" I asked, removing the stuffed bear he slept with from his suitcase and propping it on a pillow.
"Yeah! I want them up." He said with a grin as dad opened the pack, I couldn't help but to wonder if all that Noah needed all along as to have his dad around to make him feel brave.
Dad being the outrageously tall man that he was only needed to get a boost on the edge of the bedside table to litter the ceiling above the head of the bed with the stars of different sizes and while he did that, I helped Noah change out of his cold weather clothes and into his pajamas. Once the bathroom was free to help him brush his teeth, I lifted him into the bed and he crawled under the comforter.
"Can I put him to sleep tonight? I'm sure that you're probably tired too. It'll give you a chance to unpack." Dad asked and hesitantly, I nodded. I gave Noah a quick hug and kiss goodnight and reluctantly moved to the living room and take my things upstairs.
The walls of the room that I would call my own were pale but the furniture was made of dark wood and the comforter as well as the curtains in the room were a shade of burgundy. There was even a Persian rug to match and a few throw pillows that I found too cute to have been chosen by a man. I'd suddenly wondered if my dad was dating someone which worried me because it meant that I would have to explain that dynamic to Noah but I distracted myself by emptying out the contents of my suitcase. My clothes went into the dresser, my toiletries into my personal bathroom, and the envelope that housed all of the cash that I had just in case none of this worked out found its way under my mattress.
Part of the money came from the things that we sold to move here so lightly and part of it was money that I had saved up because of my mother's increasingly insane behavior right before she took her life. I would assume that the reason that a specific memory flooded my mind was because of what Ben had told me earlier, reminding me of one of those nights just before.
I felt disoriented by the light that suddenly flooded the room from the sound of my bedroom door being thrown open.
"I want him out of here!" My mother cried out desperately, and I immediately shushed her as I felt Noah stir in his sleep beside me. Hurriedly, I got out of bed and forced my mother out of the room, turning off the light and closing the door behind me as I pushed her down the hall of her home.
"What are you talking about now?" I whisper shouted, knowing that both of the boys were sleeping and it was late at night. I wasn't even sure why she was awake when she had been asleep through dinner.
"Now!" She shouted and I ran my hands through him hair. I couldn't take this. "Get your brother and get him out of my house! It's inside of him, I can see it! It's starting!' She cried.
"You're crazy! You're batshit fucking crazy, do you know that?" I shouted, unable to contain it by now. This was my life as of lately, having to essentially raise my brothers and deal with this almost every day now. The slap that she delivered to my face stung badly and immediately after, hot tears spilled down my cheeks.
The sound of Ben's bedroom door opening behind me caused for both of our eyes to turn toward the boy and his eyes landing on her, seemingly confused was enough to send her scurrying to her bedroom and slamming the door behind herself.
With a deep breath, I shifted gears from unpacking to getting ready for bed. I showered, brushed my teeth, and changed into a sweater and a pair of shorts, fitted my feet with socks and then made my way downstairs to check on the boys.
As expected, Ben had closed his door and when I cracked it open to check on him, he was sound asleep. Next was Noah who was also asleep in the center of his bed hugging his stuffed animal which made me smile. I had to admit, getting him to fall asleep in bed alone in a new place was quite impressive.
I was just going to go back upstairs when I heard the call of my name from the living room.
Hesitantly, I walked toward the living room to find dad on the couch. He had seemingly found time to get dressed in his own pajamas, a fitted long sleeve and flannel pants that he was lounging in while the tv played quietly in front of him. "Can we talk?" He asked and for the first time, he seemed just as anxious being left alone with me as I felt being left alone with him.
"About what?" I asked, taking a set on the love seat that was angled next to the couch he sat on.
"I don't even know." He said, running his hand over his face and then chuckling and shaking his head. "About how strange this feels? To even sit and talk to each other as if we aren't father and daughter?" He thought out loud and sensing that I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say to that, he went on.
"What is your plan here?" He asked me suddenly, causing for my brows to raise in surprise at his question.
"My plan is to make sure that my brothers are happy, safe and taken care of." I explained though I felt that was quite obvious.
"But that's my plan. That's my job." He insisted.
"Well, then I guess that we have the same plan." I said, already feeling ready to walk away from this conversation that was clearly going nowhere.
"What I'm trying to say is that I want for you to have a life here as much as I want for your brothers to have lives here. You're twenty-one, you aren't a mother. I think most twenty-one year olds have dreams outside of raising their siblings, even if that dream is at the bottom of a shot glass." He countered. "Ben has told me before that you're in school, what subject?"
Of course I had dreams outside of raising my brothers but that was over. Who would be there to pick up the pieces once this all fell apart? "Just general studies. I was only taking a couple of classes. I didn't like to leave Noah for long." I explained.
"Are you going to take classes here?" He asked and suddenly, I felt like I was being interrogated.
"I don't know, I just… I don't know what I want to do." I said defensively as if it were a reflex, he raised his hands as if to surrender.
"I get it, I just want for you to have a realistic expectation of how things are going to be here. I don't want for you to feel like you are raising your siblings under my roof. I'm planning on taking care of all of you. I'm going to enroll both of the boys in the schools here. You'll probably have a lot of time on your hands." He explained.
"Okay," Was all that I could muster up in the moment. With the boys gone all day and no real idea of what dad did during the day, I wasn't sure what I would be occupying my days with. "I'm really tired, I'm going to go to sleep." I said, standing from the couch and walking past him.
"Goodnight!" He called out after me as I padded up the stairs.
"Goodnight dad." I said softly before reaching the top of the stairs and sealing myself into my new bedroom.