Prologue
Warning: sexual acts and slight amounts of violence and swearing. Also, I decided to redo the last scene of the original season 2 finale, so think of this as an alternate universe where Aziraphale turns down the Metatron's offer and this jump-starts the events of their next adventure.
He had been smitten with the angel ever since the very first time he willingly went against God for the sake of Jobe's family. It wasn't so much the fact that Aziraphale went against the other angels nor was it the fact that he did it against the will of God, it was the fact that he, in Crowley's opinion, was the only truly kind, benevolent, and virtuous being amongst his ranks. Someone who had the free will to do what was right and fully took advantage of it. Crowley took a few deep breaths trying to calm his nerves as he paced the room of the bookstore. He was about to express himself in ways that he simply had never been able to before. He even thought about kissing him but constantly bounced back and forth with the idea. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even notice his angel enter the room. Crowley swung around in the direction of the door closing and was greeted by a very solemn yet anxious angel. Aziraphale did not look happy, he looked conflicted as though he had just heard an awful piece of news.
The pale-haired being slowly sank into his writing chair and gazed at nothing on the floor, "they're so cruel" he murmured.
Crowley stayed where he was leading against a bookshelf with his arms crossed, "Uh…didn't catch that".
"They're so cruel", Aziraphale repeated a little louder, "they have shown absolutely no regard or care for the human race. All they have ever wanted was their stupid war".
"Well, I could have told you that", said Crowley, "In fact, I did tell you that, multiple times". He didn't mean to bombard his friend with a bunch of "I told you so's", but…. well…yeah, he has been telling him so for decades.
"Oh Crowley", said Aziraphale, his eyes welling up with tears, "deep down I always sensed something was off. But…. We are angels for goodness' sake, we are supposed to be kind, and help all the poor souls here on earth but all we ever do is look down on them". He covered his mouth as tears streamed down his face. He never thought he would see the day when those words would come out of his mouth.
"You ok Angel?" asked Crowley a bit frozen in shock. Throughout the decades they had spent together he had seen a wide range of expressions from his best friend, disappointment, outrage, shock, fear, happiness, excitement, and the smug holier-than-thou bravado that only an angel could muster. But he had never, EVER seen Aziraphale cry. Crowley moved from his perch against the bookshelf and knelt in front of the distressed angel, "you're not going to cry over those bastards, are you?"
"I CAN'T HELP IT" Aziraphale yelled in frustration, he got up from his chair and moved away from his demon friend, working himself into a light pace within the small amount of space he created for himself. "I couldn't possibly take Gabriels's position".
"Gabriels what now?" asked Crowley following Aziraphale with his serpent-like yellow eyes.
"Knowing what I know, what we have been through", Aziraphale stopped his blubbering long enough to get out his handkerchief and comically blew into it.
Crowley moved over to him, now it was his turn to get distressed, "yeah, sure, ok, now what about Gabriel?"
Aziraphale calmed down a bit and gave the demon an apologetic look, "Oh I'm so sorry, I should have started with that. The Metatron offered me Gabriels's position as head archangel. He suggested that I could bring you with me as my assistant".
"LIKE FUCKING HELL, I WOULD" Crowley's outburst shocked his angelic friend, so he decided to keep his temper a bit in check, "Um…sorry, continue".
"Don't apologize dear", said Aziraphale in a depressed tone. He wiped away his tears and leaned against a nearby shelf, "I wonder if I made the right decision. I mean even if you aren't interested in being an angel again, I could have …. perhaps made a difference in the ways they do things".
"You can't be serious", Crowley said taking off his shades.
"God's word is ineffable Crowley", Aziraphale said, "What if the others are corrupting her message? I wouldn't put it past them, they have done it before".
"Aziraphale", said Crowley.
"Perhaps if I accepted the job maybe I would have her ear", Aziraphale said.
"Please tell me you're not considering it", said Crowley staring at him in disbelief.
"Well, I have to do something", said Aziraphale, the poor angel was spiraling, he was so sure of his decision before. But now he was wondering something that he did not consider, "What if I missed my chance to truly make a difference in heaven, as well as this world?"
"You don't need heaven for that," Crowley said looking directly into his eyes.
"What are you talking about?" said Aziraphale as more tears streamed down his face, "Perhaps if I could get God's true word then maybe…." His brow furrowed as the gears in his mind started to work overtime, "I am certain that I don't want to be head archangel, but perhaps I could still figure out a way to get God to listen to me. I am sure she would listen if I can just…"
"AZIRAPHALE" Crowley shouted, "She's not listening, I tried to do the same thing, and look what happened". He closed in on the angel and grabbed his hands in his. This prompted the angel to look up at him as he continued, "It's over, I think deep down you know as well as I do that you made the right decision". The two stared at one another for what seemed like an eternity, entranced by each other's gaze. Something was stirring between them, something that both had felt in small, easily ignorable twinges. But for some reason at that moment, it was getting stronger.
Aziraphale was the first to break the gaze, backing up against the bookshelf and gazing at the demon somewhat afraid and slightly confused.
"Oh, come now, are you really that confused?"
Aziraphales's head jerked up to look at the ceiling, "did…. did you hear that?"
"Look Angel", said Crowley backing up a bit, "Just…Just let me get this out". He took a deep breath and straightened his body, it was now or never, and he needed to get this right, "we've known each other a long time…..."
"6,000 years to be exact, I wonder how long you've been blue-balling him".
"Who the devil is that?" Aziraphale murmured, his eyes searching the room as Crowley continued.
"We've been on this planet for a long time…I mean…you and me" said Crowley, "I can always rely on you, you can always rely on me, we're a team, a group…."
"Oh, come on Crowley, enough with the sentimental bullshit, skip to the part where you want to bury your face into his plush ass and motorboat his donut hole".
"Are you not hearing that?" asked Aziraphale, feeling a bit disgusted by that last remark.
"Please angel, let me finish", said Crowley before continuing, "and we spend our existence pretending that we aren't. I mean the last few years…. not really". Crowley knew he was stammering a bit but he soldiered on, "and I would like to spend…...". He was having a hard time trying to convey what he wanted to say next, his nerves getting the better of him, "I mean if Gabriel and Beelzebub could do it, go off together, then we can…."
"Really? Is he going to compare the two of you to those buckets of cold fish? They are my worst nightmare. I don't think your demon friend wants to drag you to Alpha Centauri just to hold hands for all eternity".
At this point the angel decided to ignore the voice, which seemed to reside in his head, he will have to deal with that later, "Crowley what are you…?"
Crowley continued, "I'm saying we can go off together, just the two of us. We don't need heaven, we don't need hell, they're toxic, we need to get away from them, just be an us". Aziraphale pressed himself against the bookshelf, there it was again, that stirring. It started in his belly but seemed to be creeping slightly lower as the demon closed in on him.
"Oh yeah Crowley, go in for the kill. We're almost there".
The poor angel had no idea what the voice was talking about, all he knew was that he needed something. He needed to leave, or…maybe he needed Crowley to leave… or maybe he should stay…but then what, "C… Crowley".
The demon drew closer to him, "You and me, what do ya say?"
"Oh, for fuck sake, give this poor boy a little taste of heaven. Don't you think he's earned it?"
"C…. Crowley", Aziraphale said starting to feel himself heat up….
"Oooh I forgot how delicious Crowley's lips looked, he always was attractive".
Crowley started to get concerned for the now panting angel before him, "Angel? What's wrong?"
"Azi, baby don't tease him".
"N..nothing," said Aziraphale, "I…..um…"
"We both know you want it just as bad as he does, SO JUST…. FUCKING…DO IT".
"OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE", yelled Aziraphale before giving in to his instincts. He pulled Crowley in for a crushing, yet passionate kiss. It didn't take long for the demon to get over his shock and plunge his tongue into the angel's waiting mouth. The two make out for a bit before Crowley wraps his arms around Aziraphale and presses him against the bookshelf. The kiss was amazing, passionate, hot, heavy, and dripping with decades of longing. But that wasn't what the mysterious voice was waiting for. Crowley pressed himself against his angel causing him to buck in response. Aziraphale moaned softly as he grounded his hips against the demon.
"YAHTZEE!"
The two dry-humped one another before Aziraphale panicked and pushed Crowley away from him, "OH DEAR GOD!"
"Wait…. what? what is it?" Crowley said, breathing heavily, and utterly confused.
"YES, tell him what you want, tell him he can park his Bently into your tight garage".
"You have to go", said Aziraphale before yanking the demon towards the door.
"What? Why?" Said Crowley extremely confused.
"Because he wants to wrap his lips around your cock and play you like a fucking clarinet".
Aziraphale hurriedly snapped his fingers, causing Crowley to disappear from the room and appear outside the door, "I'm sorry, book shops closed, bye now off you pop". He slams the door closed on the confused demon and quickly locks it.
"Off you pop?" said Crowley, "ANGEL, the hell are you playing at?"
"I'M NOT PLAYING", shouted Aziraphale through the door, "I…I…just, goodbye Crowley". He then noticed someone out of the corner of his eye and quickly turned to look around. The voice in his head stopped, and the room was silent once again. Well….as silent as it could be with a cursing, angry demon just outside the door. Aziraphale wrapped his arms around himself and slowed his breathing, not knowing who or what had spoken to him.
"So, we meet again Aziraphale", said Asmodeus with a huge grin on his face.
The angel jumped and directed his attention to the new occupant in the room. His eyes widened as that familiar feeling flooded him once again. The figure standing before him had long black hair, a handsomely chiseled face with a lean-toned body to match. His white shirt hung loosely on his sweat-soaked body; it looked as if someone had tried to rip it off him. His blue jeans looked the same, buttons popped off and pants hung open. From head to toe, the being before him looked as though he had sex in a sauna.
The angel's shock was replaced with sheer anger as he took in the view of his immortal enemy, "Asmodeus".
"Did you miss me, love?" asked Asmodeus in a low silky tone.
"Why yes, I have", said Aziraphale calmly. He immediately held out a glowing hand and trained it directly at the lustful demon, "I won't this time".
Asmodeus's black eyes widened, he wasn't expecting this reaction, his cherub was much tougher than he gave him credit for. He decided to stick to the plan, "I come in peace, I thought you could have used some relief. So, I decided to give you what you want."
"I didn't want…..." the angel faltered a bit, "I mean I didn't want it in that way…I didn't mean".
"Perhaps he's not the one you want….." said Asmodeus
"Get out" Aziraphale demanded, his hand getting brighter.
The demon lord of lust stood in place and eyed him cautiously, it was like he was cornering a very dangerous creature. One wrong move and he'll be "smitten" into oblivion, perhaps now was the time to make his true intentions known. Crowley only had a measly worthless speech; he would do one better, after this he was sure that Aziraphale would practically beg him to whisk him away back to his sex den. He smiled and snapped his fingers he managed to transform his clothing into a Shakespearean outfit. He stared longingly at the angel, cranking his charm up to 11, With a wave of his hand, a spotlight appeared above him, and then in a soft sensual voice he spoke:
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:"
Aziraphale's hand dimmed a bit as he stared at the creature confused.
"Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:"
He snapped his fingers and materialized Aziraphale's bow tie into his hand. He then held it to his nose and breathed deeply the angel's scent, in hopes that the mere shock of the action would get his attention. It was working, just not in the way Asmodeus had hoped. Aziraphale cast him a look of pure outrage before his hand started to glow once again. Asmodeus lost in the mere fantasy of finally having his cherub, slid the bow tie down his sweaty frame and pressed it against his crotch, then proceeded to jack off with it while reciting the last few lines of the poem.
"But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st"
"So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to theeeee."
He came at that last part right against the bowtie, staring up at the ceiling in complete bliss. He then focused his eyes on the angel, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like your bow back?"
Aziraphale gave him an unreadable expression, "keep it".
"Are you sure?" the lustful demon said making his move towards the angel while licking the bowtie, "come now beloved cherub, claim what is yooooooo SON OF A BITCH THAT BURNS!"
Aziraphale had gotten close enough to send a beam of light, hitting the demon's shoulder. The creature teetered away trying to get away from the furious angel dodging more beams of light coming his way, "YOU VILE, DISGUSTING, MISCREANT". Beams shot from his hand like bullets with each word he uttered, "I refuse to entertain your Grotesque display".
Asmodeus dodged yet another beam of light, "GROTESQUE?!" Asmodeus shouted at him, his temper flaring. Smoke erupted from his body, as he yelled at the angel, "THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, THAT WAS A PLUS MATERIAL, YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS PRICK".
"BEGONE WITH YOU, FOUL FIEND", yelled Aziraphale shooting another beam at him. The demon escaped into the shadows of the book aisle behind him, and the angel gave chase.
The demon found his exit but couldn't stop himself from looking back at him one last time. He kneeled over and started chuckling, "Exquisite, you are one exquisite uppity bitch". That was it, now he had to have him. This was a challenge he could not pass up, "Looks like you have me beat. I'll go for now, but you will be seeing me again, my adorable little cherub". And just like that, he was gone.
Aziraphale lit the area with his glowing light, to his relief, the demon was gone. That was all the power he could muster without outright destroying him. Since he was a demon lord, he wasn't sure if killing him would start another war. Now that he was gone the angel would spend the next few days cleaning his shop and making sure that the next time he saw him, he'd be ready.