Chapter 1: Was and Am

The light of dawn filtered through the leaves of the apprentice den, striking me in the eyes and forcing me awake. Judging by the sun's height, I'd accidentally slept in. Stonestep wouldn't be happy. Well, I was already late, so I might as well take some time to stretch out. I felt my muscles loosen as I went through the motions. I could already feel the black path of fur running from the bridge of my muzzle to the end of my tail warming in the morning light. Welp, that was enough stalling. I was ready for the lecture Stonestep was bound to give me on punctuality. I was still dreading it. I got enough grief from Father about taking after my uncle Firestar.

I trotted out of the den expecting to see my mentor, but Father was waiting for me. He had a rather striking form. While his body was short height wise, he had dense muscle that made him far bigger than most cats. The most striking feature of Father was his missing ear. It made his overall look lopsided, but none would ever comment on the matter. He was far too well respected to be criticized on his looks. Father looked at me, not with disappointment, but with a measure of acceptance to my seminocturnal nature. I padded up to him, sitting by his side as I knew he had something to speak to me about. I knew this was serious because Stonestep was nowhere to be seen. Stonestep always acted a bit like a fussy queen with me, but he also knew when to push me when it mattered.

"Darkpaw, you've grown into a fine cat. It won't be long until you are made a warrior, but I've heard you've been having nightmares. Do you wish to speak of them?" Father queried knowing he'd accept either answer, but father had taught me a saying. Secrets don't keep. If kept, they have a tendency to be revealed when they'd hurt most. Father isn't a liar, so I decided to trust in his saying.

"I have and haven't. A nightmare is when something terrifying is happening in a dream, but I don't feel afraid in my dream. When I wake, I begin to fear myself. The subject of my dream is bloody. I feel myself stalking the Twoleg Place. A rhythmic clicking follows me in time with my paw steps. I can feel eyes gaze upon me fearfully, and I feel a slight joy. Then I find them, whoever I was hunting. They are terrified of me, but I can only feel that tinge of joy. I pursue them and ultimately kill them. It felt so real. I could feel their blood sticking to my pelt. I heard them choke out their last breaths, and I felt nothing. I'm afraid of someday waking up and feeling that same unfeeling cold follow me home." I confessed.

Father's eyes softened at my story. I saw a flicker of recognition when I'd told him, which mystified me. I felt Father embrace me which I did not pull away from. He nuzzled me, knowing what I needed most right now was not platitudes or meaningless words denying what I felt.

His breath was warm against my fur as he gave one last nuzzle before pulling back and stating. "It is alright my son. What you felt is not who you are. This dream you had, it was not something of a normal nature. For that reason and since you revealed a secret of your own, I will reveal a secret of mine. Since the day I found you and your mother, I knew you were someone special. You were born the exact same night as when the clans ousted Bloodclan. I made a wish that night to one of the Bloodclan cats, one you remember as well. 'I hope you never need to feel the cold again'."

My eyes widened in shock. That was my first memory, the one that allowed me to stay with Father and the one that I felt with immeasurable clarity despite my age at the time. I always remembered it as Father's wish, but I could never recall when he actually wished it of me. A slight smile graced Father's muzzle as he caught me having my revelation.

"Yes my son. This is not your first life, just as this one is not mine. I cannot explain how this happened, but you are a cat reborn. What you witnessed was not a dream but rather a memory. Before I say more, I must remind you that I love you truly as my son. Who you once were is not who you are, but you must accept that you are capable great evil just as you are capable of great goodness. The cat who you were, I knew well. You are my son, but you once were the ruler of Bloodclan, Scourge." He stated gently, watching my every move to minimize my distress at his words.

"I am Scourge?!" I panicked.

Father forced me into another embrace as he denied my statement. "No. You are my magnificent son Darkpaw. You were Scourge in your last life, but you are that cat no longer. I tell you now because I want to make no illusions as to what is happening. Your memories from your last life are leaking into your dreams. That cat that struck fear into others and killed without remorse is not you now. You will have to accept these dark memories, but you must also remember that you are Darkpaw, not Scourge. You will always be your own cat. Let not the past govern who you are today."

I could feel tear begin to well in my eyes as Father pulled me closer. "How? How can you just accept me if you knew I was such an evil cat? If I was Scourge, how can you care for me? Scourge took your ear, stole one of Firestar's lives, and killed your friends. How can you still love me?" I pleaded.

"Because you are my son. You are not Scourge, and you will never be him again. I've got my own darkness from a previous life. I was a killer as well. It did not matter who I killed as long as the job was done. I am not that killer any longer just as you are not Scourge. We are the same. I know what you are going through, and I know it will be hard, but I also know you are strong enough to get through it. If you ever feel that you cannot trust yourself, trust in the faith I have in you." Father rebutted, letting the silence sit for a couple moments before pulling away. "Now, I know what we just had was emotionally exhausting, so Ravenfeather, Stonestep, and I decided we'd go hunting with you. Today will be an easy day." Father mewed, ushering me to follow him.

Cheekily, I asked, "Do you think Stonestep will finally work up the nerve to ask you and dad out?"

"Ha! He's been treading around me like I'm made of glass since the battle with Bloodclan. If you can pressure his to stop pussyfooting around, you'd be doing me a huge favor. You'd think with how aggressive he is towards Riverclan, he'd be brave enough to ask one simple question, but I guess matters of the heart are more terrifying than anything breathing." Father jokingly responded.

"If you even got with him, what would I have to call him? It's hard enough when I have to explain to others that I have a father and a dad." I stated back with a snicker.

"Pops, Pa, Da… Maybe not that last one. It's too close to dad, and Ravenfeather gets flustered too easily already." Father teased.

I pushed my distressing dreams out of my mind for now. Today was another beautiful day, and Dad and my mentor were waiting.