"Josh, we gotta tell." The door had barely closed behind Jason.
"I know. But how?"
"Dunno. But – it's too hard, to not say s-something."
"He's already guessed part of it, I'm sure. But what part? And how? And why hasn't he said anything?"
Jeremy fidgeted. "I th-think he's – I think he's t-trusting us t-to t-tell him, when we're r-ready."
"What if we're never ready?"
Jeremy looked at him.
Josh ran his fingers through his own hair. "Yeah, I know. We're making ourselves crazy not telling. One of us is going to blurt it out sooner or later. Or we both will."
"N-neither of us w-wants the other to g-get in t-trouble for something we b-both did."
"You just agreed with me. And helped me along. I'm the responsible one."
"If I'd s-said to d-don't g-go, I'd b-be afraid, would you have gone?"
"Of course not!"
Jeremy looked again, and Josh half-laughed. "Jeremy, it still makes me responsible."
"I'm responsible for m-me, and' you're resp-ponsible for y-you. Maybe –just m-maybe y-you're m-more 'sponsible than m-me, b-because you're older. B-but I knew I c-could st-top you, an' I d-didn't. So that sorta makes me 'sponsible f-for what you d-did. Don't it?"
"No, but I see why you feel that way. What are we going to do?"
Jeremy shrugged. "D-dunno. What w-would J-jason do, if he was either one of us?"
"He's coming back. Get some paper and a pen or pencil for us both, and sit down at the table. We got some work to do."
When Jason re-entered, his brothers were both at the table, writing. "What's going on?"
"L-lists."
"Of what?"
"G-good things an' b-bad ones."
Jason pulled out a chair and put one foot on the seat and leaned forward. "Really? Can you explain it better than that, Joshua?"
Josh looked up from his page. "No," he said. "No, I don't think so. Jeremy's pretty much said it all." He started folding up his paper and addressed his younger brother. "That's enough for now." He looked at Jeremy's sheet of paper and started laughing. "Boy, you don't waste any words even in writing, do you?"
"No," Jeremy agreed, obediently putting down his pencil and folding his paper and putting it in his pocket.
"It's good to see you two working together so well," Jason said, while helping himself to a cup of coffee ."But I have a feeling you're up to something."
"We are. You'll know about it when we're ready for you to."
"That's the most encouraging thing I've heard from either of you since I got back from San Francisco." Jason walked over to the big chair and picked up his book after setting down his coffee.
Behind the book he smiled at the expressions on his younger brothers' faces, and smothered a laugh when they mumbled to one another.
/
Jeremy dreamed again that night. Something about Jason not being Jason. Something about a monster. A big furry monster that came to the cabin in town and said it was Jason. When Jeremy told it it wasn't Jason, and ran away and hid from it, it yelled (like Jason) and slammed the door (like Jason) and went back out into the night.
Da laughed and laughed, and slapped his legs. (Da's legs, not Jeremy's.)
Jeremy jerked awake and sat up in his bed, breathing heavily. Where had Josh been during that dream? Had Josh left him all alone? Why had Josh left him alone with a monster? Was that why he was dreaming such a strange thing? He was worried about Josh and him, and Jason, and their 'situation'?
He wondered how he could ask Jason about his dream, without accidentally making an untimely confession. It wouldn't do to ask Josh, because he mostly thought dreams were nonsense; some version of the devil's workshop for idle minds instead of idle hands.
Oh dear.
He wished he could sing himself back to sleep with one of Mama's songs, but the last time he tried to sing with Josh, his voice didn't work right. Josh said that happened sometimes, and wasn't anything to be worried about, at least not yet. But Josh didn't know when it would be 'yet', but told Jeremy that he (Jeremy) would know.
Oh well, he could at least remember Mama singing it, and eventually he hummed along with the vivid memory until he fell back to sleep.
He was the first one awake in the morning.
He had a thought about the dream, about Da smacking his legs. In the dream, he'd been relieved Da was hitting his own legs and not his anymore, because his were all sore.
Especially after he ran away from the not Jason monster.
Da had had to carry him back to bed after it left.
Now why did he think that? Was part of the dream a memory? Jason said they could all get all mixed up. Or was part of a memory the dream?
Jeremy suppressed a whimper. Whatever he wasn't thinking was scaring him, so he may as well get up and start the morning stuff.
When Jason and Josh woke up, after a brief but frantic search, they found Jeremy sitting outside, in his coat and hat, coffee in his hand, and sound asleep. His coffee was still somewhat warm.
"Oh, boy," Josh said.
"Must not have slept well," Jason said curtly. "At least he isn't frozen." He hauled Jeremy over his shoulder and carried him inside and dumped him on the bed. "Crazy kid."
"Let's get breakfast. If that doesn't wake him up, I'll worry then."
"Sounds like a plan."
It was a good plan. It worked. By the time the food was cooked asnd the table set, Jeremy was awake.
"I d-didn't m-mean to g-go to sleep. I heard you g-getting up and th-thought I should wait until you was dressed to open the door." Jeremy hung up his coat and hat.
"Thank you for your consideration," Josh said, with a bow.
"I'm just glad you paid enough attention to put on your gear," Jason said, with a gesture at the garments.
"I k-keep t-telling you, I c-can take care of m-myself."
"Keep it up and you'll convince me." Jason pulled out a chair for Jeremy.
"Huh." Jeremy looked down at the plate of food Josh put in front of him and mumbled, "Josh b'lieves m-me."
Josh smacked the top of Jeremy's head and laughed.
"What was that?" Jason asked.
"W-was t-talkin' t-t-to J-j-j-josh." Jeremy used his fork and filled his mouth so he wouldn't be able to talk any more.
Jason changed the subject. "What had you up so early, Jeremy? Couldn't you sleep?"
Jeremy shrugged. "Th-that's all w-we do, wake up and g-go to sleep."
"Winter can be like that. Although if we were in town, there'd be a few more options on how to spend our days."
Jeremy glared at him through his lashes. "You m-mean you'd ALLOW me to g-go outside?"
Jason laughed and spread his hands. "I'm trying, Jeremy. In town you'd never be too far from shelter if you got too cold too fast."
"Worrying about you is his bad habit." Josh started clearing the table.
"I'm my own habit." Jeremy stabbed at his food. "I'm m-my own REspons'bility."
"You're not quite grown up yet," Jason said, mildly. "You've a few mistakes in you yet."
"Th-that I'll n-never b-be able to m-make, if you d-don't let me."
"He's got a point."
"Yes. Yes, he does. You keep reminding me, Jeremy. Someday, I will hear you."
"He'll probably go into a state of shock when that happens."
"We may both do so,"Jason admitted. "So, are the two of you ready to go back into town yet? I'll have you know, Lottie says if you don't come with me, she's going to run me out of town until you do."
"S'prised you don't j-just make us g-go."
"I told you. I'm trying. I've been impressed, a little more every day, with how much you two seem to have matured while I was gone. I've wanted to see if it was a temporary thing, or more permanent. Or something I've been missing all along. Not seeing it in either of you because I've got so used to seeing you a different way. I haven't made up my mind yet, so I thought we could all take our time. Looks like Winter is going to push us into doing something. One bored brother and one banned brother isn't going to do the Bolt Brothers any good in Seattle."
"And one b-boring b-brother," Jeremy added, flicking a wood chip at Joshua.
Josh smacked it back at him.
Jeremy caught it.
Joshua and Jeremy shared a long, long look while Jason watched.
"What if –" Josh began.
"What if what?" Jason asked, when he didn't continue.
Josh took a deep breath, glanced at Jeremy (who nodded). "What if we made some of those mistakes you were talking about earlier?"
"I've already figured that much."
"Y-you aren't g-going to b-be m-mad?"
"I won't know that until I know what mistakes were made. But, as I said, I've been impressed with your behavior, so – I think I'll learn to live with it. And you'll just have to learn to live with me until I –"
"Get over it?" Josh was hopeful. Josh reseated himself at the table.
"Learn to live with it. Was it so bad?"
"We didn't think so, at the time."
"While you were mad at me?"
"Yeah."
"How dangerous was it?"
"We – I – minimized as much as I could."
"We," Jeremy corrected firmly. "That's how come we have so much firewood."
"I'm glad to hear that. And, obviously, your efforts paid off. I suppose I have to appreciate that." Jason's eyes narrowed. He was neither feeling nor looking very appreciative, his brothers thought. "How long did you leave Jeremy here alone?"
"Um. About three weeks."
"And where were you for those three weeks? THREE weeks? Jeremy? Alone? On the mountain?"
"Er – yes. He can take care of himself. He knew it and I knew it."
"He could have burned the house down!" Jason shouted.
"I d-didn't."
"Hell, he could have burnt the whole mountain down! Where the hell were you?" Jason leaped to his feet and smacked the table.
Joshua and Jeremy both jumped, and, below the table, clasped hands. Above the table, they looked at one another and rolled their eyes.
That did not have a calming effect on their big brother. In fact, it enraged him so much that he ran out of words and just sputtered.
Josh and Jeremy looked down at the tabletop, because if they'd looked at one another they might have done something even more infuriating. (Like laugh.)
Jason noticed.
Jason noticed that not even Jeremy, who still shivered at raised voices and sometimes cried, reacted to his shouting.
He noticed that Josh wore a patient expression, not a defiant one.
Good lord, they had both gone and grown up by leaps and bounds, even when Josh (especially) had every good reason to be enraged!
He sat back down. "Explain." he barked, but not as loudly. "Where did you go for three weeks?" He had an awful feeling he knew the answer to that.
"T-tacoma," Jeremy answered. "At f-first. It was my idea." He seemed proud of the fact.
"Tacoma. Why did he go to Tacoma?"
"T-to find out if he n-needed to g-go anywh-where else."
Jason rubbed his forehead. "I'm sure that makes perfect sense to you two, but it makes none to me. Josh?"
"I sent some wires from Tacoma. I wanted to get some information. But I didn't get any straight answers, so I had to – go – farther."
"How far?"
Josh hesitated. He was, at least, fearful now. As well he should be.
"Did Jeremy give you permission for that, too?"
Jeremy lowered his chin and put his hands up in front of his face.
"Kinda."
"What does that mean?"
"We didn't really talk about it, but I said if I couldn't get answers I might have to – go. And he agreed that I needed to get answers. I did everything I could so he wouldn't have to do anything if he didn't want to. And I told him not to chop more firewood even if he did want to, because accidents happen to everyone."
"Big of you."
"Not really. I did know I had a responsibility to him, even if I didn't to you, and I knew I did to you, too, but –"
Now Josh was sputtering, which Jason thought was fitting under the circumstances. And fair.
"Jeremy?"
Jeremy's big blue eyes looked up at his oldest brother.
"Where did Joshua go? Will you tell me?"
Jeremy shook his head. "C-can't."
"Why not? Did you promise not to?"
"N-no. He n-never told m-me."
"I find that hard to believe. You know where he went."
Josh started to speak, but Jeremy shook his head. "No. He w-wouldn't t-tell me, so I w-wouldn't have to lie to you or tell on him. So I-I d-don't KNOW, J-jason, I really d-don't."
"I see." Yes, Josh would do that. Jason had done similar things to protect the both or either of them, during the bad times. And even when they weren't so bad. Young boys didn't need to know his adult worries, when he himself was barely able to cope.
He'd barely been adult, as far as that went. By some measures, he hadn't been, but circumstances had dictated otherwise.
"Joshua?"
Josh didn't look at him. "Yes. I went to San Francisco."
Jason blew out a long breath. "Why? How?" He was getting a headache.
"I wanted to find out about the army from the army. Not from every newspaper or rumor. If they'd have answered my questions by telegraph I wouldn't have had to go, but they wouldn't. Espionage, dontcha know."
"I suppose I should be glad you came home."
"I was always going to come home, Jason. I wouldn't have enlisted without telling you."
"I didn't think you would, but – there are a few forts and bases between here and there, especially if you traveled overland."
"They wouldn't – or couldn't tell me anything. I tried, Jason. I really did. I kept worrying about Jeremy, and kicking myself for leaving him. But I couldn't have brought him."
"You could have brought him to Tacoma."
"And do what, when I had to keep going? Bring him back? Send him back? Bring him with me? That would have cost twice as much, and maybe more. He was a dumb kid who didn't know how to act in a city, or even a town worth calling a town. I could hardly have dragged him along with me to the army. Nobody would have answered my questions at all with him along."
"I see." He should have known. Joshua so rarely acted impulsively. He'd probably figured expenses to the penny. And travel arrangements. He must have made most of them from Tacoma. "How did you – er – manage expenses?"
"Jason, I saved all year, from the time you came back last year, to make the trip. I had enough money for me, and a little extra. Of course, I used that up hurrying home to get here before you. Or at least at the same time."
"I see." Jason was seeing a lot of things that he'd been set on not-seeing.
And what was he supposed to do now? He could hardly reward them for being so foolhardy, even though it had worked out, and worked out well. Punishment seemed to be in order, but he couldn't see himself punishing them in any meaningful way.
Especially Josh. Josh had long been past a spanking or a swat, and Jason wouldn't go farther than that.(So far, and he hoped, never.) Jeremy was almost there, although he could still be restricted to place, like stood in a corner or confined to camp or cabin. That just wouldn't work with Josh, since he was their go-er and do-er.
Jason ran his fingers through his hair. "What the hell!" he said out loud.
Josh and Jeremy sat back in their chairs and smiled.
They had survived.
Even better, they had managed Jason, which was something unheard of.