Chapter 2: Drive Me Crazy

"Hmm," Mags mused is she stood there beside the big metal table, holding a stethoscope to Josh's bare chest, listening intently through the earpiece. Josh, meanwhile, had his eyes closed, trying to keep his breathing steady, trying to stay calm.

Trying to tell himself that there was nothing weird about the fact that he was lying on a big metal table in nothing but his boxer shorts.

Trying to tell himself that the steel restraints that bound him by the wrists and ankles were, as Mags had said, for his own safety.

Trying to tell himself that the kooky undead inventor wasn't about to break out a giant laser device that would slice him to ribbons, or attach some sort of vacuum device to his head that would suck his brains out, or any other gizmo or implement that could be used to subject him to some form of mad science. No, this was just a regular medical check-up, just like at the doctor's office back home on Earth. Mags had insisted upon it after the young human had fallen in the pond yesterday. She had also insisted that he be in this decidedly compromising position that left him completely at the inventor's mercy to 'make things quicker and easier', quote unquote.

So far, the examination that Mags had been performing on Josh seemed pretty standard - a vision test by having him follow a small light with his eyes, checking his blood pressure by wrapping one of those velcro strap things that automatically tightened around part of his arm, lightly tapping his knee with a small mallet for a reflex response… but she moment she decided to pull out something that even vaguely resembled a chainsaw, Josh was going to scream for help so loud that all of Skylands would hear, and from what he'd heard, Skylands was an astoundingly big place.

"Yup," Mags said as she pulled the stethoscope's earpieces from her ears and set the tool aside. "Just as I suspected!"

Josh swallowed and dared to open his eyes. "Wh-what? What is it?" he asked fearfully.

Mags stared down at him with a relaxed smile. "You're fit as a fiddle!" she declared, putting her hands on her hips and beaming at him like a proud mother commending her son for getting high grades across the board on his school report card.

Josh let out the breath that he hadn't realised he'd been holding in a low whoosh, relieved beyond words that Mags hadn't diagnosed him with something absurd complete with a 'cure' that involved dancing naked under the full moon with a live piranha on each wrist or anything like that. Maybe he hadn't been giving her enough credit. The undead inventor moved to start undoing the boy's restraints, but then she stopped before tilting her head slightly, putting a finger to her chin and looking thoughtful.

"Hmm. Actually, so long as I've still gotcha here, would you mind if I run a couple more tests?" she asked. "There's a couple o' science-y things I've been wanting to find out about humans, what with 'em being so uncommon in Skylands an' all."

Josh gulped. You're not gonna ask me to take off my boxers, are you?" he asked apprehensively, "Because I can assure you, whatever you think I've got downstairs is probably correct and we should just leave it at that."

Mags gave a short, hearty laugh. "Relax, kiddo. I ain't that curious about human anatomy," she assured him, "An' I have no business puttin' my hands where they don't belong with any o' the students at this here Academy, 'specially if I wanna remain as said Academy's respected founder and operator."

Josh wanted to remind Mags that he wasn't exactly a student at the Skylander Academy, but the words died in his throat as he watched Mags rummage through her 'medical' 'tools' for a long moment before—

"Aha! There's the little bugger!" the undead inventor declared, holding up what looked like… a fluffy white feather?

Josh's eyes bulged with panic as he quickly put two and two together. "T-That won't be necessary!" he cried almost pleadingly. "I can assure you that yes, humans are ticklish - this human especially!"

"Ticklish?" Mags repeated, raising an eyebrow. Then she burst out laughing. "You don't give me enough credit, Joshua!" she exclaimed, still chortling as she stepped around the metal table to stand on Josh's right. "I just wanted to see if you're prone to sneezing when a feather is rubbed against the base of your nose!"

Josh was momentarily silent as he tried to process that no, Mags wasn't about to tickle the soles of his feet and make him laugh himself half to death. "…Oh," he said at last, prompting the purple-haired woman to laugh once more.

"I ain't got time for silly horseplay like that!" she told him. "You know how much paperwork I'm expected to get through on a daily basis? Too much, Joshua! I couldn't play 'tickle time' with you even if I wanted to!"

Josh averted his gaze, feeling silly for having misjudged Mags like that. Of course she hadn't strapped him down in his underwear just to subject him to tickle torture. The underground lab he was currently in was a place of science, but not mad science, even if Mags definitely was mad to a degree.

With a weary sigh, Josh closed his eyes and tried to relax, which wasn't easy; the table he lay upon was hard and freezing cold against his bare back. "I'll never get used to this world," he mumbled as he felt Mags brush the feather against his nose. "I don't be… ah… belong… AAH-CHOO! …here."

"Gesundheit," Mags said without missing a beat, "And think positive - everybody has their place in Skylands. Mine is here that the Academy. Soon enough, you'll find yours, too."

Josh silently hoped that Mags was right. He also hoped that his 'place' in Skylands wasn't here on this table as the undead inventor's regular research specimen. He felt the feather at his nose again. "AHH-CHOO! Oh, boy…"

Josh gave a little worried moan as he rummaged through his backpack, trying to find his spare pair of socks. Then he remembered that they were currently being laundered along with the rest of his other set of clothes - his only other set of clothes.

A couple days after he had first arrived at the academy, Mags had gifted the young human with a tunic of dark blue and some grey leggings she had found while rummaging through some old supplies in one of the storage cupboards, as well as a pair of her own ankle socks, which were black with pink stripes. The socks were enchanted to keep one's feet warm on even the coldest nights… and to also smell like lavender. Though Josh would never admit it to the male Skylanders he shared sleeping quarters with - in individual beds, of course - he'd quickly taken a liking to the feminine foot warmers, and had been planning to change into them along with the rest of his spare clothes after the shower that he had been set on having tonight. Alas, it now seemed as though he would have to postpone that shower until at least tomorrow morning. He groaned in annoyance as the realisation of such dawned upon him; he liked having a nice, hot shower at the end of the day, especially since Cali had gifted him that 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner that smelled absolutely awesome. Granted, she'd only given it to him because it had been a gift to her from Captain Flynn that she didn't have the space for at her home, given how many other gifts the hapless pilot tended to give her in some hopeless attempt to win her affections, but a hair product that made one's hair emanate a warm, subtle, alluring spice was one that Josh wasn't about to turn down; he was old enough to know the importance of personal hygiene, and he did like to smell good, so long as it did not involve aftershave, for the two kinds he had dared to sample since becoming a teenager had been grossly overpowering in his eyes, or rather, to his nose.

"So much for that," he murmured softly, zipping his backpack shut and taking a seat on the edge of his assigned bed, reaching up and running a hand through his messy locks that were starting to trail down close to his shoulders. "Hmm. Think I might be due for a trim as well as a wash. Wonder if there's anyone around here I can see about that."

Deciding to cut his losses, Josh got up and left the boys' dormitory, stepping out into the evening air of the Academy's courtyard a short while later. He moseyed along in silence, his hands in his pockets. Only a few Skylanders were out and about on the grounds at this time of day - mostly those who were nocturnal or of the Undead or Dark Elements. The duo collectively known as Fright Rider were positioned over by the Academy's front wall, the skeletal ostrich pecking at the specially ordered rancid birdseed that its master had poured a little pile of onto the dirt for the mount's dinner. Funny Bone was going around in circles over by the fountain, chasing the crystalline spike on his own tail, the undead canine panting rapidly all the while, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. Knight Mare strode past Josh in silence, the centaur acknowledging the young human with a curt nod as she continued her patrol, her colossal Traptanium blade propped up on her left shoulder. Josh was keenly aware of how large and powerfully built the Trap Master Skylanders in particular tended to be, and they weren't even the biggest Skylanders around. Once more, the boy made a mental note to do his best not to cross any of them; he had a feeling that getting struck by Knight Mare's Traptanium Flamberge attack would hurt. A lot.

"Yo, Sneakers!"

Josh looked up at the sound of Roller Brawl's voice, glancing behind him in time to see the Undead Skylander skate up to him, grinning broadly, her vampire fangs on full display.

"I saw you moping around and thought I'd come over to cheer you up!" she said brightly. "Heard you were given the works by Mags today. Tell me, does she still give out lollipops to her 'patients'? I haven't been to see her in a while; I'd rather patch up my own scrapes if I can. I mean, she's not even a real doctor; she doesn't have a medical certificate or anything! Don't get me wrong; I know her heart is always in the right place, but…" The derby vampire suddenly shook her head, seeming to realise that she was rambling. "Anyways, how you doing? All good after your little dip in the pond yesterday?"

Josh hesitated. Then, in spite of how he currently felt, he smirked. "Oh, I'm doing just swimmingly," he declared with a roll of his eyes, causing Roll to burst out laughing.

"Is that right?" she asked, that broad, fanged grin of hers as contagious as it was unintentionally unnerving. "Glad to hear it, buddy. Hey, listen, Sneakers," she went on without wasting a moment, putting an arm around Josh's shoulder, the boy tensing as he got a good look at the metallic claws Roll wore, very aware of how close they were to his face, and remembering well how easily they had slashed open the cheek of that vampire thug who had tried to prey on him, "Seeing as you don't have anything to do right now, how'd you like to go for a drive with me?"

"A drive?" Josh repeated, sounding incredulous. "You mean, there are cars in this world?"

"Sure there are!" Roll declared brightly, lifting her arm from around the boy's shoulders and taking a step back. "Check this out!" She put two fingers in her mouth, somehow managing to avoid skewering her own face with her claw weapons as she did so, and whistled shrilly. In an instant, a large rift portal of vibrant yellow appeared in midair little more than three paces away from where the vampire and human stood and a large jeep rolled swiftly out of it as though it had been waiting for its cue, pulling to a stop before them with a fierce rev of its engine - so fierce that it seemed to shake the whole courtyard.

"WHOA!" Josh yelped, completely shocked by the vehicle's sudden arrival and understandably startled by its absurdly loud revving. It was the jeep's structure that really left him speechless, however.

The car appeared to be made of ivory white monster bones, a ribcage-like arch of such overlooking the vehicle's velvety-looking driver and passenger seats. The hood of the car was a great monster skull, shining green gems, presumably magical in nature, inserted into its eye sockets to act as headlights, with what looked like a V8 motor positioned right at the tip of the skull's snout. The wheels appeared to have been carved from some sort of rough stone and were covered in spikes that looked both sharp and menacing. Exhaust pipes extended from both sides of the jeep's back half, continuously spewing controlled jets of flame. The car looked absolutely terrifying, like it had come straight from the depths of Hell.

And yet, it was also just so unbelievably cool to behold.

"I know, right?!" Roll exclaimed over the sound of the car's rumbling motor, seeming to have mistaken Josh's shock and disbelief for pure, unadulterated awe. She did a little twirl on the spot with her roller blades, her fanged grin wider and more delirious than ever. "Say hello to the Tomb Buggy! She's my precious baby girl and I love her!"

"Homina, homina, homina…" Josh babbled, unable to take his eyes off the Tomb Buggy.

"Ha, ha! Too much awesomeness for you at once, huh?" Roll asked knowingly, giving Josh a friendly slap on the back, careful to use the back of her hand so as to not get him with her claws. "Good thing I haven't got her souped up with her best mods right now, or else you might've passed out with a nosebleed!" she concluded with an uproarious laugh before swiftly skating around to the far side of the vehicle and leaping into the driver's seat. "Hop aboard, Josh! You get to call shotgun tonight!"

Josh took a moment to compose himself before taking a tentative step towards the vehicle. "Is it… safe?" he asked somewhat childishly, glancing at the eye-like jewel in the skull-bonnet's right socket; he could swear that it had looked at him just now.

"Depends on who's driving!" Roll replied without missing a beat. "Don't quote me on that," she added quickly, catching the look on Josh's face. "Seriously, I've got my SuperCharger licence; just had it renewed the other week, actually. Y'know, after it was… revoked. Four times," she admitted sheepishly, glancing down at her feet for a moment. "But it wasn't my fault, I swear!" she insisted as she looked up at Josh again. "How was I supposed to know that an old man would be crossing the road in inter-dimensional space?! And I can hardly be blamed for an endangered species of venomous squirrel deciding to run out in front of me while I was doing mach twelve! And don't even get me started on that anomaly that decided to explode just because I did donuts within fifty feet of the thing; nobody told me it was unstable! There were no signs put up or anything!"

Josh's eye twitched at that. "Do you at least have seatbelts?"

"Seatbelts?" Roll repeated before blowing a raspberry dismissively. "Does this baby look like a kiddie ride at the carnival to you?"

Josh took a step back from the Tomb Buggy, causing Roll to groan in exasperation.

"I'm kidding!" she elaborated. "I was just messing with you when I said I lost my licence four times! It was actually only one time, and it's only because I parked next to a plasma hydrant one too many times."

"You mean a fire hydrant."

"I know what I said."

Josh bit back a groan of his own. "Okay, fine," he said, walking up to the car and clambering into the passenger seat, quickly fastening the seatbelt that the Tomb Buggy did, in fact, have installed. "Just don't go too FAAAAAAAAAAAAAST!" he yowled in alarm as Roll revved the motor and made the jeep shoot forward at an alarming speed, another yellow rift appearing ahead of them, the car quickly disappearing into it. Suddenly, the duo's ride was surrounded by swirling colours on all sides, causing Josh to scream and screw his eyes shut, his terror now paramount.

"Relax! It's just the space between dimensions!" Roll told him. "This is how rift travel works - you gotta go somewhere in between vanishing in one place and reappearing in another! Hang on, we're almost…! There we go!"

Josh dared to open his eyes in time to see the swirling vortex of colour flicker away like a malfunctioning lightbulb, the Tomb Buggy suddenly rattling along a dirt road that looked less-travelled, said road bordered on either side by trees.

Gnarled, leafless trees that bore no leaves and appeared to have menacing, scowling faces carved into them, which did nothing to alleviate Josh's terror. He let out a loud wail and screwed his eyes shut again, trembling like mad. Next to him, Roller Brawl rolled her eyes and muttered something that sounded like "Boys."

The car continued to trundle along at a steady pace, Roll keeping her eyes on the road. Where they were headed, Josh had no idea...

...But knowing Roll, it was bound to be somewhere that would drive him - no pun intended - up the wall.