Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or it's characters, I just like to play with their lives every once in a while.
Thank you to my partner in crime, My-Bella, for always making sure all those dang commas go where they are supposed to, and for helping me keep my sanity when the plot bunnies get out of control. I couldn't do this without you.
If you want to know the real me, just turn the page in my dirt road diary.
It's right there for you to see, every kiss, every beer, every cotton field memory.
Tan legs and some Dixie Land delight, ridin' round, windows down on a summer night.
I was there, and that was me. It's right here in my dirt road diary.
Dirt Road Diary ~Luke Bryan
~Bella~
The old floor creaked under my feet as I paced back and forth across the living room of the house I'd grown up in. It was still the same. The faded yellow kitchen cabinets were still dirty around the handles, the vinyl floors were still worn by the sink and the back door. The same jackets were hanging on the hall hooks. All the pictures and furniture were the same as well. Not a single thing about it had changed since I'd walked out the front door four years ago. It was almost as if no one had been here since I'd left, like the house had been vacuum sealed.
I sighed as I paused at the front window and silently prayed that Mr. Jenks would arrive soon to give us the details of Charlie's will.
"Sit down, baby bird," Emmett urged, using the nickname he'd given me when I was a baby. He'd once told me when I asked him why he always called me that, that whenever our momma would feed me baby food, that I'd open and close my mouth for more like a baby bird begging for worms. "You're gonna wear right through to the ground if ya don't stop."
I couldn't refrain from giving him a small smile as I sat on the opposite end of the couch from him and watched the seconds tick by on the mantle clock.
It felt like time had quit moving as Emmett and I sat there, an awkward silence taking over. I hated it. I hated not knowing what to say to my own brother.
Unable to sit still any longer, Emmett stood and walked over to the fireplace and picked up the picture of me from my favorite Halloween, where it sat on the mantle covered in a layer of dust. It had been one of our momma's favorite pictures too.
He blew the dust off the frame. Breaking the silence that was swallowing the room we were in he asked, "Remember this? When you were five and you had to be the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz for Halloween?"
Remembering that night I chuckled. "Yes, and all because I thought it was so cool the way she flew on her broomstick in the tornado."
"Right, you were fascinated by those damn storms even back then."
I nodded. My fascination with them had only grown over the years. Emmett had often teased me for watching the weather channel like it was a regular television show. A love of the weather was something Edward and I had always had in common. We used to sit on the screened in porch on the back of his house and watch the storm rolling across the field like it was an Oscar winning movie.
"And then I cried when it took Momma nearly an hour to wash all the green off my face."
He smiled and sucked in a long breath of air. Shaking his head he said, "This house used to be filled with lots of love and laughter, baby bird. What happened to that?"
"I don't know." It died with Momma. "I really don't want to do this right now, Emmett. I just want to get this over with," I replied, trying not to sound like a bitch. Truth was it was hard being here, because he was right, this house had once overflowed with love.
"No, of course you don't. You just want to run away again," he bit back.
"Em…"
"What?"
"Don't. Please," I begged.
"Why, Bella? When are you going to finally come clean about why you really left? Stop playing games."
"You know why I left," I snapped, getting up to go stare out the window again.
"No. The only thing I know is what you told everyone. But I think it's time you stop using Momma's memory as an excuse for why you hightailed it on out of here like your ass was on fire."
"Whether you believe me or not, dear big brother, it's the truth."
"Isabella Marie Swan, you know as well as I do that it wasn't your fault Momma died. Ain't no one in this town, hell in this world, that believes that," he stated, frustration filling his voice.
"He d—"
I was cut off by a knock on the door.
Emmett quickly set the picture back on the mantle and took long strides to the front door.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Swan."
"Good afternoon, Mr. Jenks. And please, it's just Emmett," I heard my brother greet the lawyer our father had hired to handle his will.
I stood and turned around to face them as I heard them walk into the room from the front entry way.
"Jason Jenks, this is my baby sister, Bella," Emmett introduced.
"Hello," I returned. "Thank you for coming today."
"You're welcome," he replied before looking around as if he were trying to find something. "I take it Mr. Cullen hasn't arrived yet?" he then asked.
"No, not yet, but I expect him any time," Emmett answered quickly. "He assured me he'd be here."
"Uh, Mr. Cullen? As in Edward?" I asked looking back and forth between the two men for answers.
"Yes, ma'am," Mr. Jenks confirmed, giving me a look as if he was surprised I didn't already know this.
"Emmett?" My heart suddenly pounded like it would jump out of my chest and beads of sweat started prickling my forehead as I looked to my brother for answers as to why Edward was going to be here.
He shook his head at me, silently telling me 'no' to stop me from asking any more questions.
Sorry, big bro.
I walked over to him and situated myself so I was facing him, with my back to Mr. Jenks.
"Did you know Edward was going to be here?" I whisper-yelled at him.
"Yes. But I didn't have a choice. Dad requested his presence in the will. It's not like I asked Edward to come," he shot back, pulling me to the other side of the room so we wouldn't be overheard.
I was so upset right then, that I stomped my foot at him. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked through gritted teeth. I knew I was acting a bit childish, but it was that or scream. I just didn't understand why in the world my father would have wanted Edward here.
Hadn't he done enough damage already when it came to our relationship?
"Because I was worried you wouldn't show if I did. You tend to flee from all things Edward—at least these past four years you have."
"You know why that is."
"No, Bella, I don't think I do," he retorted angrily.
"Wha—" My rant was interrupted by the sound of a man loudly clearing his throat.
"Message received, Bella. Loud and clear. You don't want me here. So how 'bout you shut up so we can get this shindig over with?" Edward quipped with an eyebrow raised in a challenge for me to say anything else. When I didn't, I was certain I'd heard him mutter, "Then I can get the hell out of here."
Feeling the heat rise up my neck, I nodded, knowing I was blushing at being caught in an argument over him.
And knowing that once again, I'd hurt him.
"Well if everyone is agreeable, let's get started," Mr. Jenks suggested.
"Yes, let's," I agreed. The faster this was over with, the faster I could get back to Miami.
Keep telling yourself that…echoed on a continuous loop in my head.
Once Mr. Jenks had finished explaining to Emmett and me that all Charlie's belongings were to be split evenly between the two of us, I was anxious to leave. It had only taken him about a half hour to go over my father's last wishes, but it had felt like an eternity.
My parents had both lived a very simple lifestyle and Charlie's had been even more so after my momma had passed, so that hadn't left a lot behind to divide up between Emmett and me. The two biggest things were the house and a life insurance policy he'd had through the local sheriff's department where he'd been the chief for many years. There was also a small bank account.
With my mind on my past with my parents, I'd almost forgotten Edward was here until he'd started talking.
"Excuse me, ah, Mr. Jenks, you seem to be finished with the settling of Mr. Swan's estate and I've yet to understand why I'm here."
I looked over to Edward, not expecting his eyes to be on me. But sure enough my brown eyes were met with his green ones. We held each other's gaze until Mr. Jenks began to answer Edward's question, pulling our attention to him. But for the brief moment we'd been locked on one another, the emotion I'd seen staring at me in his eyes, had caused my heart to skip a beat and had left me wondering what it meant.
"You're here, Mr. Cullen, because I have something for you from Mr. Swan," Mr. Jenks replied. "In fact," he said as he reached into the open briefcase sitting on the coffee table in front of him, "I have something for Miss Swan as well."
I looked to my brother for some clarification, but he only shrugged, giving me the impression he didn't have any clue what this was about.
"There's nothing more for Emmett?" I asked. "What is this? Emmett, do you know what this is?"
My brother shrugged again, but the look on his face told me he knew more than he was letting on. He had that fake innocent look on his face, a fake, "I don't know what you're talking about" expression. It was exactly like the time I was supposed to be spending the night with Jessica Stanley, but had really spent the night in a tent down by the river with Edward, and I'd asked Emmet if Charlie had found out and he had answered, "Found out what?" even though the whole time he knew I'd been busted.
"I can't tell you what is in that envelope, Miss Swan, because I don't know. All I can tell you is that I was instructed by your father to give it to you, along with the one for Mr. Cullen, in the event of his death. There was an envelope for your brother as well, however when I spoke to your father right before his passing, he'd instructed me to give Emmett his at that time," Jenks explained.
"So, Emmett, if you got one too why can't you tell us what this is all about?" Edward asked.
"Because I don't know that yours is the same as mine," my brother told his friend, but the way his voice held an overly convincing tone, it still felt like he knew more.
"I'm not buying it, Emmett," Edward quipped.
"Me either," I added.
We were interrupted by the sound of Mr. Jenks' voice cutting in. "I believe I've covered everything, if the three of you don't have any more questions, then I'll be on my way."
"No, I think you covered it all," Emmett told him.
"Please don't hesitate to give me a call," Jenks added before making his way to the door.
As soon as the door was closed, I watched out the window until Mr. Jenks was a few feet from the house. Once he was I turned to my brother. I needed to know why he appeared to be holding out on us about these letters or whatever they were. It's wasn't like him to not be honest and up front. He'd never hid anything from me before and it had me a bit scared as to what could possibly be in the envelopes. It was all so very confusing and the fact that Edward was here just added to it all.
"Now cut the crap, Emmett. Tell us what the hell is in these envelopes." I hadn't really meant for it to come across as harsh as it had, but I was desperate for more information.
Edward didn't say anything, just stared at his best friend with an eyebrow cocked, waiting for an answer.
"Look," Emmett said, followed by a long sigh. "I can't tell you what's in there. Mine was a letter, maybe yours is too. All I can say is that you should really think about what it says if it's anything similar to what mine was."
"Well what'd yours say, and why would Dad leave Edward a letter?" I demanded to know.
My father had once been very fond of Edward—protective even—but this…
"I'm sorry, Sis, Edward, but I can't tell you that. Now I really have to go. I've got to get some stuff done on the ranch and then Rosie has a honey-do-list for me to get going on. Bella, I'll wait in the truck for a few, but then I have to go, so if you want a ride back you best be coming on."
I wanted to scream at my brother to get his ass back in here and tell me this instant what his letter had said, but I knew that wouldn't happen. I knew my brother well enough to know that if he said this was something I had to do on my own, then that was exactly what he was going to make sure happened.
"Well, uh…I need to go too," Edward said quickly and left.
I hollered out to Emmett that I'd walk back to the ranch. It was a walk I'd made many times when I was younger. Left alone in the living room of my childhood home, after picking the letter up and setting it back down on the coffee table what felt like a hundred times, I decided there was no time like the present to get this thing over with.
There was a part of me that didn't want to open it at all. But an even greater part of me, perhaps the part buried somewhere deep inside that still remembered the little girl who had idolized her daddy. The little girl who would run out the door to greet him every day when he'd come home from work and jump up into his arms. That part was screaming to know what was in the envelope.
With shaking hands, I fumbled and tore the envelope open. Peeking inside I saw a single folded piece of paper. I pulled it out, unfolding it, and saw it was indeed a letter from my father.
As I read the first line, tears welled in my eyes, when I was again reminded of a time when I'd felt loved and adored by my father.
My beautiful baby girl…
~Edward~
"Go get it, girl. Bring me the ball!" I called to Dottie as I threw her favorite tennis ball across the yard.
Watching her race after it and retrieve the ball so she could bring it back to me, I noticed Jasper walking down the road from Aunt Mae's house.
"How's it going?" he asked, watching me throw the ball for Dottie again. She could play this game for hours.
"Good. I'm fine. You?"
"I'm great. You have a nasty hangover after the other night?" he asked.
"Not too bad, but enough that I felt it."
He laughed lightly. "What was with the napkin he made you take?"
I snorted and shook my head. "Oh just Jack being an ass, but thinking he's being funny."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, it was a bill for his outstanding shrink services. I uh, may have been talking about Bella when I first got there," I shared with him.
"You okay, I heard you were at the reading for Emmett's dad's will," he prodded.
I chuckled sarcastically, now knowing why he was here. As usual my sister couldn't keep a secret to save her life.
"So she told you," I quipped, not hiding my irritation with his wife.
"It's just me, Edward. Is it really so bad she did? You know your sister and me have no secrets from each other," he offered, in defense.
Maybe he was right, but that didn't mean I couldn't wish that just this once Allie had listened when I'd asked her to keep the details of the letter Charlie Swan had left me to herself.
"If you say so," I told him, not in the mood to argue.
Ready to head inside before he started wanting to talk about the letter anymore, I whistled for Dottie to come back to me.
After getting the ball from Dottie I pointed to the door, knowing she'd understand and meet me there.
"So you're just going to walk away? Not going to say anything?" He had this look on his face like he was really surprised I wasn't going to just jump into a conversation with him about it.
"Yeah, I am."
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" he asked. "And if it's really that important to you, I won't even tell Allie. You have my word."
"I'm not sure you really want to know, Jasper. Hell, I ain't even sure I want to know some of the shit running through my head," I admitted. "Aunt Mae would probably kick my ass."
"That bad? I can only imagine how tangled up inside you must be to finally learn the truth after all this time. But I doubt whatever you got going on in that head of yours, is as bad, or nearly as crazy as you think," he replied. "And even if it is a bit crazy, so is this whole situation, Edward. There's nothing normal about it at all."
The look of concern on his face told me he was being genuinely sincere, but I still didn't know if I was ready to talk about it.
"I know you're right," I gave him, "But I'm not exactly proud of some of the thoughts I'm having."
He nodded before saying, "I'm not your sister, Edward. And again this is a messed up situation. Really messed up. It's hurt several people, you most of all. Sometimes our pain makes us do, say, or think things that maybe we wouldn't otherwise have. I'm not here to judge you. I only want to give you an outlet, someone to talk to. And I won't interrogate you for any thoughts or feelings you might have. Charlie was the only cop in the family, the only one with the motto of 'anything you say can and will be used against you'. But I doubt he'd even give you grief over what's gone down, especially since we now know he helped create the clusterfuck of a situation that led to Bella leaving."
"Yeah well I guess Charlie and me are both lucky he's not here anymore because I'd like to introduce his face to my fist and I reckon that'd probably lead to him arresting my ass."
The only reaction I got from him was a cocked eyebrow.
"See, told ya my thoughts were fucked up. Who wishes a dead man were still alive so you can punch his lights out?"
He remained silent, my guess waiting for me to say something else. But I was still debating. Getting shit off my chest might be good. I was just so torn over it.
He huffed and raised his arms as if in surrender and let them smack back down to his sides when I didn't give him anything else.
"Ok. Fine," he finally said in defeat. "I give up. I gave you my word. I'd like to think you've known me long enough for that to be enough. But I guess this time it's not. So since all you wanna tell me is how you want to punch a dead man, which I don't blame you for one bit, I'm gonna go."
He got about ten feet away before I caved. "Wait!" He turned around, but didn't make a move to come back. "I'm sorry."
"It's no biggie. I get it. You're not ready," he replied.
"Maybe I need to, whether I want to or not. But…"
"But what," he asked as he turned back and came to a stop in front of me.
"No one, Jasper. I mean absolutely no one can know what I am about to tell you. Not even my sister."
"You have my word," he promised.
"Let's go inside, we might need a beer or two for this."
He clapped me on the shoulder and nodded.
Once inside he took a seat on the couch and took the bottle of beer I offered.
I sat down on the end of my bed, directly across from the couch and hung my head, shaking it back and forth.
After a minute I lifted my head and took a long swallow of my beer.
"Are you having a hard time with her reason for leaving?" Jasper wanted to know.
"No, I don't really think it's that. I think that part pisses me off at her daddy more than anything."
"I can see that," he admitted. "The things Allie told me he'd done…well its wrong on so many levels."
"Fucking unforgivable. But who am I trying to kid? I'm pissed at her, pissed at her daddy, hell, I'm even pissed at myself," I admitted.
"Why the hell would you be pissed at yourself, man? You didn't cause this shit."
I shook my head, disgusted with myself for feeling the way I did, but at the same time, not being able to help it either.
I fell backwards 'til I was lying on my bed with my arm flung over my face, feeling the need to hide from my emotions.
"Well?" Jasper proded.
"It's…it's just…part of me wants revenge," I answered, remaining in the same position, not wanting to see what I was sure would be a look of disappointment on my brother-in-law's face.
"I think that's pretty normal," he replied, shocking me.
"You do?" I sat up quickly wanting to see the truth in his eyes as he answered me.
"Well, sure. You were hurt, and hurt pretty damn badly. Still hurting I'd say. So I think it's human nature for you to feel that way. But Sheriff Swan is gone, so getting revenge on him is not gonna happen, which probably makes it even a little more frustrating. You can't even lash out at the source of your anger," he reasoned.
"If it was that cut and dry, I'd be fine," I told him. "Hell yeah I'm pissed at his role in this mess, but it ain't the Sheriff I'm talking 'bout."
"It's not?" His eyes got wide and his eyebrows nearly rose to his hair line.
I let out a long breath of air and sucked another in. "I knew how haunted Bella was by her momma's death. She always blamed herself, from the moment it happened until the day she blew out of here faster than a summer storm. I never agreed with how she felt, but I tried to understand her. Hell, I thought she'd even started to come to terms with it right up 'til she pulled her disappearing act on us."
"But she didn't," Jasper stated, downing the rest of his beer, before getting up to grab another for the both of us. "Why did she feel responsible for her mother's death anyways?"
"Because she didn't do something she was supposed to. That's her view of it and I never really looked at it from her side of things back then. I was always more concerned with getting her through the pain of losing her momma. I was so focused on convincing her it wasn't her fault so I never stopped to look at it her way," I admitted, only just realizing it as I said it.
"Okay," Jasper said. "So you have new perspective on it now. But you still haven't told me what happened."
I nodded, telling him I would explain. I swallowed a gulp of beer and began, "It was a few days before the start of my and Bella's senior year of high school. Her momma was a teacher at the middle school and had asked her to come by and help her set up her classroom. If I remember right, there had been some new teachers added and that had caused some of the other teachers to get their rooms shuffled around. Renee was one of them so she had more than the normal beginning of the school year stuff to do in her classroom."
"So what happened? Did something happen at the school? And how would Bella blame herself for that?" Jasper asked.
"I'm getting to that," I told him. "Bella was supposed to go help Renee set up, but never did go. She'd been fighting a headache, watching a little TV, waiting for it to pass after taking something for it." I closed my eyes, the day coming back to me along with the terrified look on Bella's face as they searched for her momma. "She'd only meant to close her eyes for a minute or two. It was the thunder that woke her. She thought the storm was far enough off she could make it to the school. She even called her momma to say she was on her way and apologize for running late."
"Go on," Jasper encouraged.
"Let me first just say, this wasn't normal behavior for Bella. She was practically the ideal daughter." I paused. With a smirk and a chuckle, I added, "That is as far as her parents knew. They had no idea how much I'd um…corrupted their little girl."
Jasper snorted and nearly choked on his beer with my comment.
As soon as I saw he was alright, I went on, "When she called her momma, Renee told her not to bother coming down. She'd finished and was on her way home. Told Bella to get dinner on the stove. I remember Bella telling me Renee had sounded put out, but not really mad at her."
"So what's missing? I'm still not getting it."
"Remember I said Bella was woken up by thunder?"
"Yeah."
"Well the storm built quickly and dropped a tornado. When the sirens went off, Bella called Renee to make sure she knew to stay at the school, but Renee told her she was already on her way home and thought she could make it."
"But she didn't, did she?" Jasper asked softly.
"No. She never made it home. Her car was found upside down in a field a few miles from the highway she'd been driving on and her body even further away. And Bella blamed herself because she believed that if she'd gone to help her momma like she was supposed to, they both would have already been home safely at least an hour before the storm hit."
"I guess I don't have to ask if anyone tried to reason with Bella, that she's not responsible for her momma not going back to the school and taking cover? That her momma made the choice to drive home at that time, not Bella?"
I let out a long sigh. "Yeah, Emmett, Alice, Rose—hell all of us did. I take that back—until now I'd always just assumed her dad had too, but I suppose knowing what I do now, he sort of reinforced that line of thinking in her messed-up head."
And…"
"And what?" Jasper pushed me to answer.
"And well…now part of me gets it. Gets why she wanted to leave. Not how she did it, but why. But there's this other part that…"
"That wants revenge," Jasper finished for me.
"Yeah, part of me wants to lash out at her and teach her a lesson. Hurt her like she did me."
It may have felt good to admit how I was feeling, but it sure didn't lesson how wrong it felt to feel that way. Seeing things from Bella's point of view was making me hate myself for being pissed at her, but I couldn't help the hurt that I'd lived with for the last few years.
"That is some pretty heavy shit. I can see why it's weighing so heavily on you," he sympathized.
"I told you. Does it make me a sick fucker?"
"For feeling like that?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"No."
"Really?" I asked. I was relieved but surprised by his response. I hated myself for feeling the way I did, I wasn't raised to want to think such things about women. Especially one I'd loved with all my heart.
Maybe still loved.
"Yes. I get why you'd want her to feel the pain she caused you. To break your heart like she did yours. Or let me rephrase that, I get why you think you want to hurt her like she did you."
"What do you mean, why I think I want to hurt her?"
"Edward, the fact that you are still so messed up about this, at least in my opinion, means you still have feelings for her. Personally I don't think you've ever quit loving her. And I'm sure you know I'm not alone in that thought."
"What in the damn hell does that have to do with anything?" I was starting to get frustrated with him now. I was well aware of everyone's opinion on how I felt about Bella, but that isn't what we'd come up here to talk about.
Keep telling yourself that, cowboy.
"Look, I know you haven't had a lot of time to digest what you've learned about her leaving. But have you stopped to think about how hard what she was going through must have been? How hard it was for her to leave you? Whether she should have or not, the guilt that was eating her up. And then to only have that guilt ground in even further by her father's asinine shit?"
"Even if she was hurting over it too, sure didn't slow her down none," I quipped.
"Maybe not. But I don't think you'd be nearly as upset if you didn't still care for her. I think you'd finally know why she left, you'd have the closure you've needed for the past few years and you'd finally be able to let it go. And think about this for a minute, you know the grief you felt when your parents died, imagine how much worse that would have been if you'd thought it was even the tiniest bit your fault somehow?"
I tossed what Jasper asked me around in my head for a bit and then it was suddenly as if a switch had been flipped. For the first time the puzzle pieces were clicking in my head all coming together. I was looking at things from Bella's point of view. I'd always tried to imagine why she'd left. Only thing that had ever made sense was her feelings for me had changed and she'd been too big of a chickenshit to be honest with me so she just upped and run off.
"It makes a difference, doesn't it?" he asked.
"Yeah," I admitted.
"Figured it would. But honestly, I don't think you want to let it go and it's because you still love her. You said part of you wants revenge, well what about the other part of you? What does it want?" he asked.
"You really want to know?"
"That's why I asked."
"Smartass," I mumbled lowly, causing him to laugh.
"Fine. Yes I still have feelings for her and I probably always have. Maybe I always will. As pissed as I am, there's still a huge part of me that would love to get it all back. To have her back. Jasper…"
I shook my head not believing what I was about to tell to him. I hadn't admitted my true feelings to anyone.
"If I could," I continued, "As crazy as it sounds, I'd trade all of my tomorrows for just one yesterday with her. To be able to go back in time and have what we shared again…I…I can't even describe how much I want that."
"So why settle for the past, man? Why not try to fix things? I'm fairly certain you aren't the only one who still has feelings in this mess."
"Fool me once shame on her, fool me twice and I've got nobody to blame but me. Knowing why she left, if she still has feelings of her own … Even if I could get past her leaving, then what? She ran away from all we could have been once before, who's to say she's not going to hightail it out of here again? I don't know that it's worth risking my heart getting stomped on again."
He chuckled. "I don't know who's more stubborn, you or your sister."
"She is," I insisted.
"Maybe. Any other time I might even agree with you." He shook his head and smiled. "But the thing is, you'll never know if you don't try. Think about how you'd feel if you have to not only live without her for the rest of your life, but you also have to live with the what ifs of knowing you never even tried to get her back. She's here now. Give her a reason to stay."
"I don't know if I can. Even if I did want to," I said honestly.
"It's a huge chance, I get that. But we only get one life to live and the only wasted chances are the ones you never take, Edward. Can you live with yourself knowing you had a second chance right there in front of you, within your grasp, and you let it slip away?"
"There's still the fact that she lives in Miami now," I argued.
"Like I said, give her a reason to stay. She left to avoid the pain. Make her stay for love."
"Maybe," I replied, shrugging my shoulders. That was all he was going to get from me. I'd already said way more than I'd intended. And I wasn't ready to give what he was suggesting any real thought.
"Just think about it, man. That's all I'm saying."
I nodded.
He stood and walked to the trashcan to toss his empty bottles in the can. "I best get on home. Your sister will come looking for me if I don't. I doubt you are ready for her to play twenty questions with you."
"No."
He was near the bottom of the stairs when I called out to him. "Hey, Jazz."
"Yeah," he hollered back.
"Thanks, man."
"Anytime," he replied and then was gone.
I got up and grabbed another beer out of the fridge. Sitting back down on my bed after I twisted the cap open, I downed half of it in one long swig, and then finished it off in another.
"Fuck," I muttered to myself, wanting to throw the empty bottle across the room, but not wanting to clean up the mess or risk Dottie getting hurt, I set it on the floor next to the bed.
I fell backwards on the bed and scrubbed my hands over my face in frustration as I thought back over my conversation with Jasper and the letter I'd gotten from Bella's daddy.
Dottie jumped up on the bed and curled up next to me. I ruffled her fur and rolled over, closing my eyes. As I considered what I'd learned about Bella's reasons for leaving, my mind slowly drifted to a place where she'd never left.
A scene started to play out in my head like a movie. I was taken back to the summer just before she'd left.
We were parked at the end of an old dirt road that led to the river. Bella was curled against me with her head on my shoulder as we laid on a blanket in the back of my pickup truck under the shade of an old oak tree.
"Think we're going to remember this summer?" she asked, sliding her hand up under the edge of my t-shirt and caressing the bare skin she found.
"Maybe," I answered, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. "I'd like to think we will. I'm fairly sure you will but I'm a guy. What was it Rose said the other day, we've got an attention span of like three seconds?"
Snorting softly she cut in, "Only one if you're Emmett."
"You'll remember," she said convincingly. She pulled her hand from under my shirt and rolled up on top of me. "This will remind you," she whispered as she lowered her lips to mine.
My arms tightened around her as our kiss went on forever, slow and deep, filled with all the emotions surrounding us as we contemplated our future.
A rumble of thunder in the distance and a few drops of rain awakened us to the coming storm, breaking us out of the kiss we'd become lost in.
"We'll remember," she repeated as we grabbed the blanket and our shoes. "I know we will. This place will always be special to us. The trees, the river, the dusty old dirt road…all of it."
"The dirt road?" I asked, laughing at her as she squealed from the downpour that caught us just as we were climbing into my truck.
"Yeah. It's been a witness to everything we've done this summer and who knows what it'll end up seeing in the years to come. All ya gotta do if your memory gets fuzzy is come on out here, roll the windows down, and listen. It'll tell you all our secrets, remind you of all our hopes and dreams."
I looked out on the road and then back at her. "A dirt road diary."
"Yes!" she exclaimed. "I like that term. Our dirt road diary."
"Our dirt road diary," I repeated and then leaned over and kissed her with rain pouring down all around us, creating a private cocoon, shielding us from the world around us.
"Ungh," I groaned, rolling over and burring my face in the pillow by Dottie.
Get your head out of the clouds, Cullen. That shit ain't ever gonna happen, I chastised myself internally.
"Or could it," the other voice in my head countered, thinking back to what Jasper had said, "we only get one life to live and the only wasted chances are the ones you never take, Edward. Can you live with yourself knowing you had a second chance right there in front of you, within your grasp, and you let it slip away?"
Could I let myself open up to the possibility of seeing if there was anything left for Bella and me? I felt like I was in one of those cartoons where the guy had an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, sending him conflicting messages.
"What the hell am I supposed to do, girl?" I asked Dottie.
She whined and let out a bark, before rolling over on her back, letting me know she wanted her belly rubbed.
"You think this is the answer to everything, don't you?"
I chuckled when she barked again.
One thing was certain, I didn't have to make a decision today. It was something I'd have to think long and hard about. I didn't know if letting Bella back into my life was something I could do, even though deep down, I knew I still loved her.
There have been lots of ideas out there as to why Bella left. Everything from her being pregnant and running off to hide it, or that there was someone else. I am really curious to know if your opinion has changed after this chapter. Let me know, if you guess right, I'll give you a sneak peek of Bella and Edward finally confronting it face to face.
I can't wait to see what everyone thinks! Thanks for reading!
See ya soon,
~EA