They remained quite while he got the material from the nurse and scheduled another appointment. Xander glanced over and from her stony expression and fixed stare knew she could not yet speak. They drove to a pharmacy where Xander went in alone, and resolved not to tell Buffy about the sympathetic glance the pharmacist gave him. Buffy rode staring straight out the window, and did not respond Xander's tentative attempts at conversation. Finally, she broke her silence as they drove by the park. It struck Xander that it was the same park, near the same spot, where all this had started. "Pull over," she said, "pull over right now." He did.

When the car stopped, Xander turned to her, and saw her reaching for him. She was crying, and so was he. Finally, she said, "Oh, God, I'm scared." She took a shuddering breath. "I'm so scared. I've never been this scared."

"I know, me too," he said. "Listen to me, we'll get through it. We're going to take good care of you and everything's going to be fine." They cried together for a long time. They talked the rest of the way home, a calm discussion of the practical necessities her bed rest would require, but they held hands as they did. Dawn was out of school for the summer, as was Willow. Both would be happy to help. In a pinch, they could even call on Xander's mother, as much as they disliked the idea.

At no time since her death had Buffy so much wanted her mother.

Once they got home, Xander moved a TV into their bedroom while Buffy lay in bed, already fidgeting. He brought her something to eat and sat in the chair he had moved into the room while they ate. "I'm gonna hate this," Buffy said ruefully.

"Yes, you are." Xander replied.

Xander called Willow over. They explained to her what was going on and asked for her help. She gave it, of course, and was surprised to be asked after the things she had done. Part of her still couldn't understand their acceptance. Dawn visibly fought tears, and promised all the aid she could give.

That evening, the four of them sat together in the bedroom watching TV and waiting for Giles to arrive. When the doorbell rang, Dawn practically sprinted down the stairs. Xander and Willow followed a little more slowly. They found what looked like a perfectly happy Giles being hugged by Dawn, but Xander could see the stress and fatigue in his face. After being released by Dawn, He stepped towards Willow. She stepped towards him reluctantly, even fearfully. It was their first real meeting since things happened.

"Giles…" she said, sounding as if it were drawn reluctantly from her.

"Dear Willow," Giles said, hugging the surprised girl, who after a moment's recovery buried her face in his shoulder and sighed.

After releasing a teary Willow, He approached Xander and embraced him. Xander whispered in his ear, "Don't say a word." Imperceptibly to anyone else, Giles nodded.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news." Xander said, and he proceeded to give the story a third time.

Giles was relieved. It was true that slayers had problems with pregnancy, but they were normal medical problems, not supernatural. A thought that he clung to was that only one slayer had successfully carried a pregnancy to term and that was in the modern era with good medical practice. Without speaking, Giles knew he was in complete agreement with Xander. There was no need to add to the stress and fear by telling Buffy anything. All the possible steps were already being taken. They went upstairs to see Buffy.

When Giles opened the door, she sat up in bed and reached for him like a child, starting to cry again. "Dear me," Giles said, "Half of the people I've run into today have started crying on sight. It will give me a complex if it keeps up."

Buffy laughed through her tears. "I'm so glad you're here. How long can you stay?"

"As long as you want or need."

"Thank you."

"Of course, if it's a boy, you have to name him Rupert."

"Yuck," Buffy made a face, "No way."

Giles had determined to stay until the baby came. That was how they talked about it, as a fait accompli. He spent his days at the shop, while Xander worked, and Willow and Dawn took turns sitting with Buffy. In the evenings, he and Xander stayed with her. It was all working out.

One day, Willow was sitting with Buffy. She was approaching six months pregnant and was so restless Willow suspected she was saying she had to go to the bathroom when she really didn't just to get out of bed. "Better now?" Willow asked as she helped Buffy back into bed after one such trip.

"For the time being. My bladder is being compressed into non-existence," Buffy said. She settled into bed again. "I have seen every movie in existence. TV is a thing of terror for me. No card game has been invented I haven't played. Board games should be spelled B-O-R-E-D. As a matter of fact, 'Buffy' could be spelled that way right now."

"It's your name. You can spell it however you like." Willow said.

"If this child ever complains about being bored, am I going to have a story to tell," Buffy said. "We could sit on the porch for a while."

"No."

"Meany. You are a bad, evil friend. A little trip won't hurt. These orders are for normal people. I'm the slayer." Buffy said.

"I'll tell Xander on you, and he'll puppy-dog eye you. Then I'll tell Giles, and he'll clean his glasses in an accusatory manner." Willow said.

Buffy giggled a little. "I used to love exasperating him. I will never forget the look on his face when I said, 'If the apocalypse comes, beep me." Willow laughed and Buffy saw for the first time in a long time the friend of her youth. She saw it for only a moment, while she laughed about teasing Giles and it was a relief. It prompted her to speak. "Can I tell you something, Willow?"

"You know you can."

"I'm so scared I don't know what to do. I'm scared all the time," Buffy whispered.

"I know, Buffy. I mean, I don't know, but…" Willow trailed off. "I wish I could make it better." She looked at Buffy with a significant glance, "But I can't."

"If... if it happened I think I would go crazy. Everything has been so… bad for so long. With Xander and the baby… it's like it's a dream and… I think I would go crazy."

"That won't happen, Buffy."

"I know, Wills, but that's what I feel like." The two of them talked late into the night. They talked about all the things they were going to do when the baby was old enough. They argued over names and talked about how pretty the baby room Xander had put together was. It was like old times when they were girls talking about their distant, happy future. Sadly, the optimistic visions they conjured together were not to be. Buffy Summers was seven and a half months pregnant when she went into premature labor. Baby Summers/Harris was not given a name at the hospital. The tiny girl fought to breath for about six hours, which was more than enough time for her parents to completely fall in love with her. At the end, her little lungs just weren't strong enough and she quietly passed into eternity.

The funeral was held three days later. The coffin was white and pink and terrible to look at, so tiny and forlorn. The preacher, who Xander's mother knew and who vaguely remembered Xander as a child, gave a eulogy full of the usual empty platitudes. Buffy and Xander wandered around in shock, going where they were led and doing what they were told. At the graveside, Buffy spoke without being spoken to for the first time when she said, "I want to go in with her." Xander had looked at Buffy and wished he could disagree, but he couldn't think of a damn thing to say.

In the middle of the night after the burial, it finally hit Xander full force, and he started to shake and cry. Dawn had run into the room and seen him crying and Buffy sitting and staring blankly at him. The young girl had comforted him as best she could. Buffy and Xander walked in a fog for days. They ate and slept because it was habit. They didn't really talk to each other or to anyone else. Dawn lived a very silent life. Days came and went, .and then weeks. They both went back to work. To those who didn't know them well, they seemed to recover a little. They didn't, of course. At home, they went quietly about the business of maintaining a house, themselves and a façade. They slept in the same bed but did not touch or talk. They both retreated into themselves.

One evening, Xander came in from work and found Buffy sitting on the couch. She looked up at him, her face blank as it always was. "What are you still doing here?" she asked, not angry or hurt, just curious.

Xander thought about it. There were reasons, weren't there? He had been here for more than his little girl lost, he was sure, but he just couldn't remember. "I don't know." He could recall when this house had been the best place on earth, when he and Buffy had been looking forward to the baby. It was all about the baby. Was that all they had? Was there really anything between them now that such a central factor was gone? He tried to think of anything, but there was nothing except the aching hole that should have been filled with a happy little girl. Buffy was smarter than he and had figured it out first. There was nothing there. "There's no reason, is there?" Buffy shook her head no.

Xander walked upstairs and quickly packed a bag. On the way back through the living room, he turned briefly. "If you need anything, I will always be there for you."

"I know that of course," she said, "this isn't about..." She paused. "It's better this way."

He turned and walked out of the house that he had fully intended to make his home carrying a suitcase, lacking the strength to look back. He sat in his car for a long time, wondering where to go. Giles? No. The older man was an anchor for him, but Xander had never gone to him when in need. That was not their relationship. Willow? He wanted to go to his oldest friend and curl up in a ball and have her take care of him. This was too much like a divorce. Buffy was getting the house and custody of Dawn and Willow. He was not going to take up anyone's time that could be better spent supporting Buffy. He briefly considered going to his mother. Maybe he could crawl in a bottle with her, and it would all just float away. Surely even his father couldn't say anything to him now. Xander cynically laughed at that thought. Of course he could. A hotel, then; he seemed to end up at those places a lot. He had when he left Anya, now he was heading to one after walking out Buffy's door.

Buffy sat very still on her couch, listening to every sound. She heard Xander walk out the door and down the drive. She heard him get in his car. Then she heard the long silence while Xander thought of where to go, and she told herself that she was glad when she heard the motor start. As she had told him, it was better this way. She simply had nothing left to give. Not to Xander or Dawn. Giles and Willow were problems; nosy, intruding problems to be dealt with.

For six whole hours, Buffy had been a mom. She played the entire time over and over in her mind. She thought about the fear and shock when she went into labor. She remembered Xander with some pride, not panicking, moving efficiently to do what was needed. She remembered the pain of the birth. The doctors had taken the baby immediately. It hurt even though Buffy knew it was coming and knew the necessity of it. Then came the elation of the Doctor coming in the room with a quiet, sincere smile. Their little girl was alive. She needed very specialized care, but she was alive. A part of Buffy had been sure that the trouble was over. She had been wrong. The infant in the incubator, who they had of course fallen instantly in love with, had in the end been too small. Buffy's body had rejected her daughter too soon and too weak to live.

Buffy knew that she had failed at many things in her life, but none like this.

Dawn tentatively entered the room and sat across from Buffy. She looked closely at her sister. Buffy's hair was limp, washed but not even combed. Her eyes looked sunken and hollow. "Hey," Dawn said, very unsure.

"Hey," Buffy replied.

"Where did Xander go?" Dawn had seen him leave from her window. "Why did he have a suitcase?"

"He left," Buffy said.

"What are you talking about?"

"Xander doesn't live here anymore." Buffy's voice was flat and uninflected.

"He left you?" Dawn asked, surprised.

"We just… neither of us could do it anymore." Buffy stopped and choked, but went on, "Don't be mad at him. It wasn't him."

"I don't understand…" Dawn began.

"And you can't." Buffy finished. She got up from the couch and went upstairs to the bedroom that still had the adornments of a couple's room and lay down.

Xander drove with little thought and suddenly, much to his surprise, found himself parking outside The Magic Box. He had decided not to go to Giles but he realized that he knew Giles wouldn't be here at this hour. Anya was here. He shuddered. Why had he come here? Perhaps was just used to going to Anya for comfort when he truly needed it. The bell rang cheerily as he stepped inside. Anya looked up with her patently fake smile, which faded when she saw him. "Hello, Xander," she said, not without compassion in her voice. "I heard. I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

"Of course I am," she said.

"Oh, God, Anya, I just... I don't know why I'm here…" He lay his head on the rough, scarred wood and hid his face in his hands, shaking as if he were cold.

Anya reached for him, aching to touch and comfort him but stopped and was grateful he couldn't see the aborted gesture. "I know why you're here. You want me to punish you." He looked up at her in surprise. "You have to feel punished before you can accept comfort. You know, even though we're over, I will always hate your parents for what they did to you." Xander started to protest, but she cut him off. "Just listen. I have no punishment for you. You don't deserve any. I also have no comfort for you. Go to Willow, or better, go back to Buffy. You can't come here like this again." She watched Xander slowly stand, and she regarded his face, sallow and beaten. Anya tried to see the man she had loved but could find only his broken remnants. It broke her a little, too. "Get something to eat, Xander," she said and cursed her weakness, "and go to someone who can help you."

Giles had taken to drinking as he had in his youth. He sat in the threadbare chair of his residence hotel, Scotch in hand. The same thought ran in circles in his mind that had for weeks. When would it be enough? Was there some curse these children, his daughter, had to suffer? Time and again they put themselves out, sacrificing so much and risking all for the greater good only to have every single chance at happiness jerked away from them. Giles dreaded getting some late-night phone call to let him know one of them had finally given up and done something very foolish. He almost expected it. The phone interrupted his gloomy reverie, and his gallows humor made him think that if this was such a call, he would likely do something foolish himself. "Hello."

"Giles?" Dawn said, "Xander left."

"What?"

"Xander left," Dawn repeated, "He and Buffy, I don't know, broke up or something."

"Good Lord. Why?"

"I don't know. Willow's coming over here to try and talk to her. I don't know where he is."

Giles sighed. "Did it occur to you that he would likely go to Willow?"

Dawn sounded a little angry. "Yes. You have to get over there and catch him. I'm worried about him."

"So am I. I'm on the way."

Willow had rushed over in response to Dawn's call. The house had the same eerie silence and order she had seen every other time she had been there in the last month. She went quietly up the stairs into Buffy and Xander's room. Buffy was lying on her side on the bed, curled around a pillow. Willow sat on the bed.

"There was nothing there, Wills. It hurt too much to see him. He was so broken. Every time I looked at him, it reminded me of… I can't get past it."

"Oh, honey," Willow said in a maternal voice, "Yes you can. It's terrible, it's the worst thing ever, but you can get past it." Buffy buried her face in the pillow and violently shook her head no. "You're in pain. You'll carry this until the day you die. So will Xander." She paused, hoping for some kind of answer. When nothing was forthcoming, she said "Buffy, do you know where Xander went?" Willow still met silence. "Buffy, please, we're all scared. Tell me something."

"I don't know," Buffy said. "He just left when..."

"When what?"

"I told him to."

Willow shook her head slowly, trying to assimilate the information and Dawn spoke from the door. "He's at a hotel. He called to let us know in case we needed him." The younger woman stood uncertainly in the door. Buffy sat up so that she was close to Willow and reached out towards Dawn. Moving to sit with her sister, she said, "I heard what you said. Why did you do it?" Buffy didn't answer. "Buffy, Why did tell him to leave?"

"In case we needed him..." Buffy muttered.

Willow looked confused, "What?"

"He called in case we needed him," Buffy said. "He lost too and I..." She stood up. "Will, take me there right now." As she was gathering shoes and a jacket, she looked at Dawn. "You wanted to know why I made him leave?" Dawn nodded. "I'm going to tell him first." As Buffy walked out the door, determination in every line and movement, Willow grinned just a little at Dawn, who nodded back.

Buffy walked up to the front desk of the cheap hotel and the bored kid whose tag read "Frank" asked what she needed. "You have a guest here. He's not answering the phone or door. Can you check on him please?"

Frank shrugged. "Who is it?"

"Alexander Harris," she said, and after the briefest of pauses, went on, "my husband."

Frank led Buffy down the hall, knocked on Xander's door and called out "Manager!"

Xander opened the door and saw Buffy in the hall. He stood silent for a moment and looked at her, honestly wondering what she was doing here. "Buffy?" She stepped inside and turned on the lights. Xander went back to the bed and lay down. Buffy saw that there was a whiskey bottle on the nightstand, thankfully mostly still full.

Buffy sat next to him. "This is stupid," she said.

""Stupid ol' me" Xander said.

"No," she said, "not you. Me. This." She shook her head. "Come on. Let's go home."

He covered his face with his hands and gasped out a sob. "Buffy, I can't..."

"Xander," she said softly, gently pulling his hands down. "Look at me. I love you."

"What if that's not enough?" he asked.

"It's gonna have to be," she said. "It's all I got."

Epilogue:

After the passage of years, Buffy found herself again anxious to talk with Xander. She paced their living room anxiously until he pulled into the driveway and she met him at the door. He was confused at first and then concerned. "Buff, what is it?"

She held out her hand and he curiously took what she was holding. It took him a moment to realize it was an EPT. "What do we do?" she asked.

"We try again."