Connie lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Replaying the scene of the last time she'd seen Jason—reviewing every detail she could remember. It hurt, but it was all she had of him.
What Yavesh had done…. How many they'd killed— it seemed almost impossible to get him back from something so ruthless.
She'd been lying here ever since the triplets had said they were going to take a nap, and, exhausted, Connie had retreated to her room. When they'd first heard the news, Connie had offered to stay with the triplets so Darya could visit her husband and Luna in the hospital (James had stayed with Luna). It wasn't like she was alone; there were servants to help. But she felt responsible for the little girls.
And she had no one she could have visited. Not at the hospital, recovering, like before. Just—gone.
She'd briefly considered trying to sleep, but she knew she couldn't. She wondered if she'd ever be able to sleep again, knowing whose hands Jason had fallen into.
Heading into what he knew would break open his old scars…why? Why would he leave her?
She knew why. His beautiful, noble soul. She'd known he was amazing, but…to be that selfless—it was unfathomable.
She shut her eyes, trying to remember her last moments with him, cling to them as much as possible. If she did, perhaps they would be real again—she could rewind the world and beg him not to leave her….
The other half of her soul. Ripped from her.
All beauty in life gone. Everything dull, dry, hollow.
Jason…she cried, calling for him through the void.
His beautiful face, looking down at her, haloed by sunrays. The brilliant blue sky. His hand caressing her cheek. His chest glistening with dew.
She laid her palm on his cheek, gazing into his eyes, reveling in their intensity, the bond they shared burning in her heart like a sun, two halves of the same whole.
Never apart.
His hand clasping hers. His other hand caressing her jaw, his eyes shining with admiration and fervent love.
She pressed close to him, inhaling his scent, wrapping her arms around him. So close… his heart beating against hers. Forever.
"Excuse me," said a small voice, breaking her out of her reverie, in the space between sleeping and waking.
Jason disappeared in a violent array of sparks.
Pain lanced through her, and she hugged the pillow close, hoping to wring out of it some semblance of the realness she'd felt—he had been so solid she couldn't grasp how he could possibly have been a figment of her imagination.
Perhaps that was real, and this was the dream… this "reality" was so faint and dim, she felt like leaving it altogether…
"Miss Connie," said the voice. "Are you okay?"
Blearily, Connie struggled into a sitting position. Still hugging the pillow, she rubbed her face, swept the hair back from her eyes. She shook her head, not wanting to lie to the girls. Avara stood beside her bed in the dim light, her eyes wide, face pale. Aurora hung back, her arm around Arina.
"Oh," said Avara. "I was just wondering if…we could have some supper. But if you aren't feeling good…"
Connie swung her legs around the edge of the bed. Her heart was a whirlwind of pain, but she had to ignore it for now. It would be good to focus on something else. Though he would always be at the back of her mind, along with her desolation, a howling emptiness in the center of her heart.
"I'm not really sick. Just…sad."
Avara nodded solemnly. "They took Jason."
Tears sprang to her eyes. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
Aurora shuffled forward, leaving Arina hovering in the background. "I wish I could find him, like he found us." Her eyes blazed, pain in their depths.
Avara turned to her. "We could go out and look for him."
Connie slid off the bed. "No, he'd want you to be safe. The king's agents are looking for him. They'll find him." She hoped desperately it was true.
Aurora looked at Connie. "I understand if you're not feeling well. I didn't eat a lot when they took me. We can wait. Or…" Her voice trailed off.
Connie guessed she was probably thinking of going to ask the maid for supper, but so far, the girls were afraid of everyone except for the king, queen, Jason, and Connie. Connie didn't want to push them so soon. They needed to feel as safe as possible.
"I'll be okay. I probably need to eat too." She didn't know if she could. She had no desire for food, for anything, now that Jason was gone. Everything had a dull filter over it, as if most of the color had been leeched out of the background. Even as she walked out into the palace to the dining room, everything had a gray tinge, nothing looked beautiful or even interesting. The food was laid out for them, waiting under silver. She vaguely registered the smell; it didn't make her feel sick, but neither did it seem tempting in the least. She felt a faint revulsion for it.
But she sat down on one of the chairs along the side, acutely aware of the emptiness beside her, where Jason usually sat. Pain wrenched her heart. She had to force herself to focus on the girls.
She passed the food around and helped them with some larger pieces of meat. Poured water into their glasses. Spoke to them, although afterwards she couldn't recall what she'd said.
In the middle of dinner, they wondered why she wasn't eating. She looked at her plate; she hadn't realized it was empty. She took a few pieces of food and nibbled on them.
Aurora looked at her from across the table with keen sympathy. "I shouldn't have eaten so much."
"You need to eat. Jason would want you to…" Her voice caught. Jason would want them to thrive, to recover, to not be sad…
What would he want me to do?
Not give up… not be consumed by grief…
But I don't know if I can help it… it's too heavy a burden….
Of course… his burden is infinitely heavier.
Oh, my Jason….
The girls drifted past. Aurora laid a hand on her arm, the weight of a feather. "You don't have to watch us. We can go back to our room."
"No," said Connie. "You don't have to." That was one thing she knew Jason would want—for her to take care of the children he'd rescued. Not abandon them in her anguish. "We can go watch a movie, if you want."
"A movie!" Avara, right behind Aurora, clasped her hands. "What movies do you have?"
"Let's go see."
They headed to the theater room. They hadn't been in this room much, but Darya had shown her how to use it. She picked up the remote from the side wall and followed the girls to the chairs in front. She didn't always like to be in front, because sometimes she got a headache from looking up to much. But Jason often liked to—
Her heart crashed and shattered again. She almost collapsed in the seat beside Aurora.
Connie flipped through several movies, Aurora and Avara arguing over some, until Aurora asked Arina what she wanted. Arina whispered something in Aurora's ear. "She wants Beauty and the Beast."
Connie hesitated, because she wondered if the Beast would be too scary for the girls, but he didn't stay scary long, and besides, it was only animation. So she selected it to the ecstasy of the girls. They leaned forward, rapt, as the movie started. Even Arina seemed to emerge from her almost constant state of fear.
Connie ordered some popcorn and candy and the maid, Krista, brought it in, smiling. She had a pleasant, round face, curly brown hair, and a friendly manner. Connie guessed she would soon endear herself to the triplets. She was also considerate, stepping forward cautiously and handing Connie the tray, then slowly backing away, keeping her posture nonthreatening.
"Thank you," said Connie.
"You're welcome," said Krista. "Enjoy the movie!" She strode jauntily out of the room.
Connie distributed the snacks, and the girls took them eagerly. Connie was gratified to see Arina grab a large handful of popcorn, some of it falling to the floor unheeded.
The first song pierced her heart, because it reminded her of Jason. He always had a longing for adventure. She retreated from it, drifting into her own thoughts.
But she couldn't get away from the pain.
We could've been gone by now. Back to the US. I could've been holding him at home… we could've been cuddling together in bed by now…drifting off to sleep…. No more nightmares….
She almost screamed. She'd bought the tickets and everything. Razor's edge. They'd almost made it…. But he'd been cut down. Because of his stupid bravery. Ridiculous selflessness.
I want him. I need him. What about me, Jason? Did you think of that? Or didn't I cross your mind at all?
Anger raged through her. It burned itself out, leaving only guilt – he didn't need any more difficulties. Even if he couldn't sense her anger. He didn't deserve it. Lost…somewhere… in pain….
Jason! why!
Dear God. Couldn't you have protected him this time?
Even if he sacrificed himself, you could have let the agents find him. But now he's drowning in darkness….
Like my dream.
Can it be a prophecy after all?
I thought it was just a dream made of my worst fears. Then I came here and he was almost captured several times. I should've kept him safe! Tied him down—
No… adding more trauma…
But begged him. Kept him here almost any cost.
We shouldn't have gone on any more adventures. We shouldn't have let Sierra talk us into this. We should've gone to the party and let that be the end of it. Have some beautiful memories… and I'd be back with him… we'd revel in our time together, at home…. A palace is worth nothing if it brings only pain.
Images of when he had been caught before flashed through her mind, tangled up with images from her dream.
Jason broken, so traumatized she couldn't touch him, couldn't comfort him…
I told him I'd take care of him and love him no matter what. But—that can't be his future.
What can I do? If agents can't even do anything?
Perhaps I should at least be with him in spirit… even if it's more painful than I can bear….
Jason—oh how I wish I could be there with you, if only to comfort you…. For you to be so alone… surrounded by enemies…
She reached out toward him, and his hand reached for hers—she pressed his fingers lightly and he smiled—
A tap on her arm.
She jumped.
Arina was huddled down, face buried in her arms. Avara's hands were pressed to her ears. Aurora whispered, her face haunted, "Please, can you—stop the movie? It's too scary."
She looked at the screen. The Beast had just thrown Belle into the cell.
She slammed the stop button, knowing why this might trigger memories for the girls.
"Sorry, I should have thought more of what was in the movie."
"I liked the first part. But…." Her gaze strayed to the empty screen.
"It's okay. Do you want to try another movie, or….?"
Aurora whispered to Arina, who nodded.
Connie wracked her mind to think of a movie that didn't have something triggering in it. Aladdin had several prison or capture scenes… Cinderella, the stepmother basically treated her like a slave…. Mulan had battles…Tangled—Rapunzel was trapped in the tower… Tarzan – he was captured... even in Lady and the Tramp, the dog pound was like a prison… Perhaps a non-Disney movie, though there had to be one that worked. Frozen? Little girls seemed to really like that one….
She chose Frozen and pressed play. This time, she watched the girls' reactions. She hoped she hadn't missed anything; it had been a while since she'd seen the movie. They seemed to enjoy it, watching with delight at the castle Elsa conjured. Perhaps it was a sort of freeing song…. Later on, they'd probably be able to watch the other movies; seeing girls escape evil would be cathartic. But it was probably too soon.
She immersed herself in the story while keeping an eye on the triplets. She tried to block off all thoughts of Jason then felt guilty.
I daren't leave him…
But at the same time, I have to function, I have to survive…. Find a way…. Take care of the ones who need it…. Not be a burden to my hosts.
I might be staying here for a long time.
Her heart wrenched again.
6 months or so… like in my dream….
It would mean I'd have a baby. It'd mean I'm pregnant now.
That can't be….
Well…. It could be. And –
What date is it, anyway?
The 15th?
No… it's like the 25th…
I can't be late… not…
But then it hit her. Last month. First time after the miscarriage. Smashing her back into the time in the hospital… so much blood….
No. It can't be. I need Jason here. The dream isn't a premonition…. He's not going to be lost, broken beyond repair….
Oh, my Jason. I love you. Please come back….
She didn't realize tears were streaming down her face until the movie flashed off and only a white screen remained. Her tears glistening in the glow.
She wiped her tears and looked at the girls. The ending must not have been too traumatic, perhaps enough removed from their experience.
"How did you like the movie?" Her voice faltered a little.
"Good!" said Avara.
"It was beautiful," said Aurora.
Arina smiled at Connie then dropped her eyes.
"I'm glad this one wasn't too scary."
"Parts of it were but Arina could watch it, so could I."
She took them back to their room and sang them "Let it Go" before bed. Their eyes shone with wonder, so it didn't matter she couldn't remember all the words.
Before she could slip into her room, she heard a commotion in the foyer. She thought about ignoring it, but she realized it must be the king and queen returning. She wanted to know how the king and Luna were.
It was just Roderick and Darya; the king explained that James was staying at the hospital overnight with Luna, and so were her parents and siblings. Roderick had a bandage on his temple, and he looked pale and exhausted. Resentment hit her it was he that had returned, but shame followed swiftly, and she gave him a hug.
"I'm so sorry," said Roderick. "I should've stopped him…."
"You were wounded."
He pulled away a little. A tear streaked his cheek. "It was Jason who wounded me."
"What?"
"It was all in the name of nobility. He…stopped me so he could go in my place." The king shook his head, looking wearier than she'd seen him. His eyes pierced hers. "It should've been me. Not James, not Jason. I'm the one who's supposed to give my life for my family, my country."
Darya grasped her hand, looking at her with deep sympathy. "You can stay here as long as you like. Till he's found. We won't stop until we find him."
The king nodded. "We'll do everything in our power. Even if I have to go back to my original plan."
"Let's exhaust all other options first," said Darya, her eyes boring into her husband fiercely.
"If those don't work…. I'll gladly take his place. What he must be suffering even now…" His face fell. He looked down, consumed by grief himself.
"Let's all get some rest," said Darya. "We can't do much in this state. At least Luna and James are safe."
"How are they?" asked Connie.
"Luna has some minor injuries. But she'll recover soon; they think she'll be out of the hospital tomorrow. It's her mind that needs the most healing. We'll do all we can when she gets back. They'll stay for a while, I think. James… he's just happy she's returned. It looks like she could've had much worse." She frowned. Then said, "Connie, James has a message for you. He didn't want you to have to wait till he came back. He says…." Her voice faltered. "Jason said to tell you…he loves you. And that he'll be back because he promised you."
Connie nodded, her throat tight.
Getting ready for bed, her phone rang. She almost didn't answer it, but then she saw the caller ID.
Whit!
She pressed the phone to her ear. "Whit?" Her voice came out as barely a whisper.
"Connie—I'm so sorry."
"You…know?"
"Roderick told me. He thought it'd be too hard for you to let me know." His voice caught. "Jason…gave himself up for others. If anything's Christlike, that is. I…." His voice trailed off and for a moment she thought he'd hung up or the phone had been cut off.
"We'll find him," Whit continued, voice shaken but determined. "I'll call in all my connections. Use any influence with the NSA I have. The other agencies. The NSA is there—they should work to free their former agent. And—we're coming."
"Really?" Hope leaped in her heart, more than she'd had all day.
"I am on the way to the airport now. Sierra's driving. Tam is okay for now…. I'm having a friend look in on him. I don't think…he'll do anything drastic until Mai is found."
"What about Mai?"
"Actually, the trail seems to lead to Eastern Europe anyway. So Sierra will be able to look for Jason at the same time."
"Wow."
"If anyone can find him, she can. The NSA is good, but she has this 6th sense about things, and she can cut incisively to the center without any deliberations or bureaucracy. I hate to say this but… she also has…borderline illegal ways to get where she needs. I'd hesitate to use her services if it wasn't…. well. Jason. And Yavesh. She has this bloodhound-like tracking ability—I'd never believe it if I hadn't seen it."
"Thanks," said a faint, wry voice. Sierra.
"Well—we're at the airport. I'll have to leave soon. Would you like to…pray with me?"
"I'd like that very much."
She knelt on her bed and Whit prayed because she couldn't bring herself to speak. Despite his fear for his son, his voice rang out, trembling slightly but full of hope.
Tears streamed down her cheeks. She desperately grasped for that same hope, but it still seemed elusive, and she only tore off vague wisps of it.
As soon as the phone went silent, she collapsed on the bed, hugging the pillow, and wept.