Jason walked through the Cathedral, scoping out the best place for the wedding with Elliot and Sahara.
"The fountain is so beautiful," said Sahara. "I think we could do it—just in code. We could just act like we're gathering at the fountain for ten minutes… not even looking directly at them, and Rick could perform the ceremony beside them."
"Secrecy would still be better," said Elliot. "Then they couldn't see us at all."
"How about both," said Jason.
"What do you mean?" said Sahara, looking at him, leaning against the fountain.
"Well, we could have the main ceremony here – it is the most beautiful place. Then everyone could filter through the thicket and give their congratulations. With not a lot of people gathered at once, guards wouldn't get suspicious."
"Good idea," said Elliot.
"Now we just have to figure out the details," said Sahara.
Jason leaned against the fountain between Elliot and Sahara. "We have the main thing—the minister. We have a coded Bible… They're taking care of their own outfits."
"They'll be in slave outfits, though, right?"
"That's better than if their clothes are chosen for them," said Jason emphatically. He was wearing a red silk shirt with cherry blossoms twining across it and tight black jeans – courtesy of Elena. Even though she hadn't returned yet, she was dictating what he wore now. He was relieved to have the clothes Ali had given him that he wore as pajamas—at least he had something of his own at night, when no one could see him. Elena was increasing the pressure, as Ali had warned—he was forced to take showers 'alone' in the company of the guards. And the guards followed him at all times, always in the same room with him—thankfully far away in the doorway now, not bothering him.
"I wonder what they're choosing…" said Sahara. Kara and Karim were apparently choosing a secret item to wear under their clothes. And the substitutes for rings were yet to be determined. Rick was drawing up a wedding contract in code; even though it wasn't legally binding, it was a symbol of their pledge before God. It was as married as they could be here—which was actually married, Jason figured. When they escaped, the legal document would just be a formality. To choose to be together in this horror—to choose love – that was the strongest bond that existed.
A pang pierced his heart.
Not long ago, he'd pledged his undying love to Connie…. It felt so distant now. But the love in his heart still burned—it just came with a pain that would only be assuaged by seeing Connie again. Holding her close.
Alelu twirled through the center of the Cathedral, dancing to her own beat. Since she was protected, she'd blossomed, showing her natural talents as a dancer, her movements light and graceful.
"I'll get her some dancing lessons when we are out," said Elliot. "For her to be free… It'll be a wonderful dream." He shook his head. "She's never seen reality. No wonder she thought Alice in Wonderland was real. Here it's like a twisted version… any delight is burdened with shadow…. Outside I can show her real wonders. And Seraf…." His voice trailed off. He still wasn't sure if she'd accept him; Jason reassured him anyone who loved him would want to take care of him, not cast him off.
"Have you asked Alelu yet?" said Sahara.
"Not yet. I can't really adopt her in here… and I can't tell her we're escaping. I wish I could let her know she'll be free in a few days…."
Alelu danced over to them. Elliot helped her up onto the fountain beside him, and she splashed him playfully. Good thing it wasn't banned—they didn't care as long as the water stayed in the fountain and you didn't get soaking wet.
"No word yet?" said Sahara.
"No word," said Jason. "Ali said he'd call. Since he's come through so far…" A shiver ran through Jason. A week since the incident, Zar could be fully recovered by now. At least Ali would call. He'd been sending food daily to Jason, along with letters of apology…. Jason trusted him to follow through but wasn't in any hurry to see him again. And was of course going to keep him away from anything involving the escape plan.
Jason slid his hand into his pocket to touch the phone. At least these pants have pockets… unlike the ones yesterday. He kept the phone with him at all times, along with the knife.
"We still need the main things," said Sahara, gliding her hand through her hair, which was beginning to grow out, black curls with a tinge of brown.
"If nothing else, I'll force Zar to tell me where the exit is."
"Those of us with autoshocks might not make it out…."
"That is the dilemma."
"You get out if you can. You'll more easily be able to escape on your own. Twelve is so many… I'm afraid we'll be found out. If you escape secretly, it might be a while before they know you're gone. And by that time—you can call the police. Get this place shut down."
"I don't want to leave you. There's still the harem… we might be able to get through there."
"A lot of people going through…. The cameras will see us."
"There's also the honeymoon."
Sahara nodded. "I just hope they're careful."
"Ali can be trusted. For that at least."
Jason had asked Ali over the phone if Kara and Karim could have some alone time in his room. He didn't mention a honeymoon, of course. When Jason had explained their predicament, that they were unable to even be close to each other because of Michelle's threat, Ali had said, "Of course! I'm always a supporter of true love."
It wasn't going to be a typical honeymoon. For one thing, it was Above, and they didn't want to have their actual wedding night in a room there. For another thing, Kara still had a ways to go to heal. And they were going to look through Ali's room for anything useful. Ali was spending more time Below in the drug area and he'd be able to give them a few hours tomorrow night.
Not that they weren't also going to take advantage of it. They barely saw each other lately. This way, they'd be able to be alone together. Jason was immensely grateful for this—they'd get such relief after all the horrors they'd gone through. And the wedding! A beautiful thing to savor – right before their escape.
"You do need to face your fears in order to get over them." The familiar voice filled Jason with dread.
Lila strode into the Cathedral, Gray limping beside her.
Alelu huddled against Elliot, her face pale with terror.
As Gray grew closer, it was shocking to see he had a black eye, and the other was swollen shut. Various bruises covered his face and his arms.
Jason's stomach flipped over. What had they done to him? Wasn't he supposed to be an agent in training, not a slave?
"I don't need to be down here for that," said Gray, his voice a little hoarse, yet firm.
"I think that you do. You need to be down here among the slaves in order to face what you're most afraid of. Otherwise, you're gonna get more beatings. You don't want that, do you?"
Gray shook his head. His face impassive, yet a hint of resentment in his eyes.
Lila sauntered over to them. Sahara slid off of the fountain, blocking her view of Alelu.
Lila pushed Sahara out of the way; Sahara stumbled and Jason caught her. She flinched away and Jason withdrew his hands.
"Thank you," mouthed Sahara, settling back against the fountain, eyeing Lila with stabbing hatred.
"Hey, Jason," said Lila. "Long time no see."
Jason stood between her and Alelu, ready to take a shock if he had to.
Lila laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not here for the girl. Tamara can be….quite forceful when she wants to be." She guided Gray forward. "Since you two have a history, maybe you can keep each other company."
Gray looked at Jason briefly before dropping his eyes. Up close, Jason could see more bruises along with cuts and a bandage over one arm.
"Did she do this?" Jason asked him.
"Don't be silly," said Lila. "I'm his advocate. He just had a little slip-up, is all. Sometimes that happens. But he does need to learn quickly—he can't be collapsing every time someone takes a slave to bed."
"What happened." Growing horror clutched Jason's heart.
"He's been in training Above. We've been coddling him a bit too much. He is punishing guards and doing a good job of it. But the guards are more often down here among the slaves. So he can't be too squeamish. And he's also too fragile around men. Even after beating them up. A bit too careful with hurting women, too. We've got to break him of that. The sooner the better."
"That's compassion, not weakness."
Lila chuckled. "Compassion is weakness. No place for it here." She squeezed Gray's shoulder; he flinched. "So yesterday he's supposed to go punish a guy who was getting a bit too crazy with a slave girl. He had parameters, you know. But Gray froze up. I had to finish the job myself. That—is unacceptable at this stage. Especially for a future Enforcer—we have to trust them implicitly to get the job done. No hesitation—none of this trauma holding him down at every step. Trauma needs to be crushed – once and for all. I'll keep track of your progress. You better be better in a few days, or… I don't know what we'll do with you. The promise from your previous files is dissipating. Perhaps you really are meant to be a slave."
Terror raced through Gray's eyes. "No—please. I'll do better."
"I know you will." She hugged him close with one arm. "You just have to believe in yourself." She looked at Jason. "You'll get to see firsthand what it's like down here. It'll scare you straight if anything will. You'll get to feel what it's like to be a slave. Take Jason here. Zar used him for entertainment last week. Took about a week to recover. Isn't that right, Jason."
Jason's vision clouded; he felt as if the room were fading. Chills raced through him.
"Maybe you can tell him what it was like—so he knows what will happen to him if he can't make the cut." She pivoted, her ponytail jiggling, and strode jauntily toward the hall.
Gray watched her go, looking stunned. His shoulders sagged, his hair a little tousled, the injuries standing out in sharp relief against his pale skin.
"Are you alright?" said Jason.
Gray nodded slowly.
"Do you need any painkiller?"
"Wasn't that bad of a beating. Everyone gets it in the beginning."
"Something like that—shouldn't be normalized."
"I know it's not normal—but it's better than this." He looked around the room, a mixture of haughty resentment and horror in his eyes.
"At least you'll be back up soon."
"I'm…. not so sure that I will. I was hanging by a thread anyway… Down here…." He scoffed mirthlessly. "She said it'd remind me what the stakes are. As if I have to be reminded! As if I don't live in terror every day—every second—" He trembled. "I just couldn't do what she asked. I literally could not move. And down here—I'll be surrounded by it. I betrayed Tasha by choosing them—now I'm ending up as a slave anyway. I…always was destined to be a slave."
"No one is meant to be a slave. You're an agent—like me. Just not like them. You won't be a slave. There'll be a way out of this."
"I don't see one. You know how I reacted at the palace, on the mission… "
"Most of the time, we're left to our own devices. I will try to protect you from seeing…any of the worst. Do you have a place to stay?"
Gray shook his head.
"You could stay with me. I mean—if you want to."
"If you don't mind…. Even though you're a slave, you remind me of the outside. Of Tasha. It could ground me… I could forget… Maybe it'll help me get back on my feet…."
"I just wish there was an alternative to you being a Breaker."
"It will just be temporary. I….will try not to do anything to someone who doesn't deserve it. I could never—" he caught Jason's eyes— "do what was…done to me."
Jason looked at Alelu. Her as her little body shook as Elliot held her, her head buried against his chest. Jason wasn't sure she was crying or trembling in fear.
"It's alright," said Elliot in a soothing voice. "She's gone."
"That's right," said Sahara beside her. "We'll protect you."
Alelu stirred, looked up at Elliot, her cheeks tearstained. "She is gone?"
Elliot nodded. "I'll protect you every time she comes."
"She hurt you last time."
"I'm bigger than you. I'll stand in the way to keep you safe, no matter what."
"She won't take you away?"
Elliot shook his head. "She won't take you away either."
We can't always count on being there for her… but at least Tamara is protecting her. "Tamara punished Lila," said Jason. "She's more powerful, so she'll keep you safe."
"Why?" said Alelu. "She hardly ever talked to me."
"Well…because she loves you."
Alelu looked alarmed and shrank back against Elliot.
"Not like Lila. That's the furthest thing from love, no matter what she says. Tamara wants what's best for you—doesn't want you hurt."
"Why does she love me?" Her blue eyes were wide and perplexed.
"Because…anyone who's actually a decent person can't help but love you. And—all kids deserve love and protection. Not…." The horrors they face here. It's bad enough there are adults here. But kids—
"It is strange that Tamara is here in the first place," said Elliot. "She doesn't seem like the others."
"She seems to detach herself a bit," said Jason. "At least she has some remnant of humanity. Enough to protect one child, anyway…. If only she'd help the rest."
"But being an Admin," said Sahara, "that would be too much to expect." She eyed Gray, looking rather dubious.
Jason introduced Gray to Sahara, Elliot, and Alelu.
Gray inclined his head, looking a little ashamed. "It's good to meet you."
"So you're one of them," said Sahara, sliding off of the edge of the fountain.
"They gave me a choice," said Gray. "I couldn't choose slavery."
"I suppose I can't blame you for that. I don't think I could choose this. I'm not that noble. Few people are." She looked at Jason, immense admiration in her eyes. Then she looked back at Gray. "What I can blame you for is if you participate in anything—that hurts any of us. I know that's walking a fine line, and it might not be possible, but even if they threaten slavery for not obeying such an order—I'd never forgive you for hurting anyone."
"Even if I could've before," said Gray, looking down, "I could never do it now. I'll have to become a slave if that's what they want me to do."
"You might not be able to avoid it, but… I wouldn't wish this existence on anyone." Her brow furrowed. "So if you haven't been a slave before, how do you…know?"
"I was a slave, in a way. Just not…here." Dark shadows haunted his eyes. "I did hurt others—those that didn't deserve it, like Jason."
Jason gave him a look of reassurance, devoid of any resentment. It was true; he couldn't blame Gray as he was—and how could you resent someone who no longer existed? But if he became what he'd been… perhaps he could still forgive him (if it wasn't the worst), but the abject fear would return with a vengeance. Even now he felt a little trepidation letting Gray stay with him….
"I hurt someone – and his partner took revenge on me in a…. twisted way." He shuddered.
"I'm sorry," said Sahara.
"If I stay down here… I might… fall back to how I was right after. I'll be—" He trembled, collapsing against the fountain.
"I'll help you," said Jason.
"If I can get back even a semblance of what I was," said Elliot, "you can too."
"I don't know," said Gray, without looking up. "If I'm capable of becoming this…. I'm not what I thought I was."
"I've had those same thoughts. Anyone can be broken. But what you were—it's still there. You can get it back again. Jason's helped me see that."
"In this environment? I don't think I'm strong enough. If they make me a slave again… I won't survive."
"Well… Yavesh isn't all-powerful," said Jason. "People are looking for us. Maybe…"
"If there's a glimmer of hope," said Gray bitterly, "It's a very small one."
Jason wanted to tell him about imminent freedom… perhaps he should. But he would have to be very careful.
The alarm sounded for rest time, and they headed back to their rooms. Jason couldn't help but feel a little discomfited; he had to organize the escape, and he couldn't do that with Gray there. Gray was too fragile. Even if he didn't want to cooperate, he would probably give up the info under pressure.
Do I even want to help him? He's on the side of the enemy. If I don't help him, he may collapse… and that will be one less enemy to worry about.
And I'll never have to worry about Gray becoming what he was. What they would solder him back into.
I should sabotage him.… leave him to his own devices and let him see what horrors go on around here. Let him get up close and personal, so that he shatters.
Then I would be able to escape without this unforeseen complication.
But. I can't. Can't leave someone in this state… when I know… at least a little bit, what it's like.
Trauma from torture—is awful.
Trauma from sexual assault—I would not wish that on my worst enemy.
Zar perhaps. And yet I could not do that in a million years….
To leave Gray would be in effect to make him a slave. If I don't do all I can to help him – he will be assaulted again and that I cannot accept.
The only other option is to… help him become what I hate….
Or… escape.
Not let him in the inner circle. Not tell him anything. Until we're about to leave…. Just give him just enough info to get out… leave a note if nothing else….
Jason got some food out of the fridge and the painkiller from the cupboard and insisted Gray take some.
"You're welcome to anything of mine as long as you're here."
"Why are you helping me?"
Jason sat at the table across from him. "Because I don't want you to go through… what you went through again."
Shadows stirred in his eyes. "I thought it was working. That they were building strength back into me. Lila was helpful… and so was beating the guards. But I reverted as soon as I stepped into that room and— I just… couldn't take seeing… that. Everything just—flooded back and I was there and it—" He leaned his head in his hand. "Then…" he whispered, "when they punished me—I was back in that cell… I knew he was going to rip into me and I could do nothing… I hardly even felt any pain. I just knew the worst pain I'd ever known would attack me and I'd be a wreck again, everything I thought I was torn to shreds… All that pain was still coming but I couldn't stand the impossible pressure of waiting for it and so I—when I was back in my room—"
He unwound the bandage from his wrist to reveal bright slashes down his forearm. Half-dried blood caked on the bandage.
"Oh Gray…" Sorrow seized his voice.
"I can't even control myself when it comes to my own actions. I should end this—" His eyes sparked as if with sudden realization. "That would be the solution."
"No—that's no solution at all!"
"It is though." His voice had a sudden calm. "I would not have to become one of them. Even if I wanted to become as hard as they are, I would never want to be part of any organization. I want to be free. This might be the only way I can be free." An unsettling light burned in his eyes.
"No—there has to be another way."
Gray slammed his fist on the table. "I will not be a slave." He tilted his head. "And being among them—it is slavery, really. They'll mold me in their image; even if I become an agent again—I'll be one of them and so I won't be myself anymore. Maybe someday I could escape. But they would still follow me. I know them enough now to know that. By then it might be too late— my real self would be stripped away completely and I'd come crawling back to them."
"Please—don't do anything drastic."
"I can't guarantee anything."
"Just—talk to me first. There might be another way."
"Like what?" He looked skeptical.
"I don't know yet…."
"You have less agency than I do."
Jason winced. "Maybe so. But I'm also not giving up."
"I'm sorry. You are trying to help. I'm just… at the end of my rope."
"There is always hope as long as there's life."
"It's easy to say that when you've had a relatively easy time of it."
"You're right, I…might consider…that… if I were in your situation. I just—I don't want to give up on you. Not after all of our… history together."
Gray smiled wryly. "If you're willing to give me a chance… maybe… I do have a shot."
"Maybe you could just stay in here the whole time."
"I'd probably be punished."
"Maybe if you do the minimum required and stay here the rest of the time…."
"I do need rest…." He looked infinitely weary. "Do you mind if I lay down?"
"Take the couch or the bed, whatever you'd like."
"Are you sleeping too?"
"I think I might just watch TV. If that won't bother you."
"Nothing wakes me except nightmares." He sauntered over to the bed and was snoring within minutes.
Jason watched fifteen minutes of one of the inane shows, then he did a quiet workout, careful not to strain his shoulder too much. That would always be a weakness… so would his half-numb hand.
Next he sat at the kitchen table and tried to think of a solution to their dilemma. But they still needed more information to determine that, he realized. For one thing, they needed a viable exit. And the other monitors needed to be neutralized somehow….
Time is running out.
At supper, Jason sat across from Kara and Zakhar. Gray sat tentatively beside him.
"Hi," said Kara, holding out her hand. "I'm Kara."
Gray took her hand and shook it lightly. "You can call me Gray."
Kara smiled, her eyes sparkling.
Zakhar held out his hand. "Hi, I'm Zakhar."
Gray lifted his hand, then hesitated.
Zakhar withdrew his hand quickly. "I'm sorry."
"My fault," said Kara. "I'm…almost thinking I'm…." She surreptitiously signed an informal code for the outside.
"It's easier to do that now," said Jason, "almost as if it's fading…." His heart skipped a beat; Gray might deduce something from their omissions.
"I'm the one who…shouldn't be so…sensitive," said Gray.
"I understand," said Zakhar. "It took a while before I could let Kara patch me up without me freaking out."
"I should be strong enough."
"Doesn't matter how strong you are, it's…beyond anyone's ability to bear."
Jason still held onto the idea that if he were strong enough, if the worst happened, he could beat it… become himself again… but he wasn't about to stick around and find out if it was just wishful thinking.
"So…you just got here?" said Kara.
"A few weeks ago," said Gray.
"I haven't seen you around."
"I was upstairs."
"Oh."
Gray glanced at Jason. "I was one of them. I don't want you to be under any illusions."
Kara looked at him sharply. Horror dawned in Zakhar's eyes.
"I was going to be one of them. Now—it's not likely I'll become one of them at all, so you don't have to worry."
Kara and Zakhar exchanged uncertain looks.
Jason stabbed a potato square and slid it into his mouth. He had to admit they were one of the few foods he looked forward to here. They reminded him of eating canned stew on camping trips… salt-soaked peas and potato cubes…. Just need some chunky gravy…
He wrapped the peas and cubes in his piece of bread and imagined he could taste the real thing.
"Interesting concoction," said Sahara, stirring her Jello into a mangled mess of glistening green mixed with chopped brown bananas.
"You should try it."
She raised an eyebrow. "Maybe next time."
"There may not be one…"
She admonished him with her gaze—he had implied too much in Gray's presence— but hope smoldered in her dark eyes too.
The alarm sounded for break two minutes later. Jason led Gray to the lighter thicket on the right side and he sat on the bench absently. After a moment he reached up and tore off the orange from the tree nearest him.
Jason flinched—but Gray wasn't shocked for disobeying the rule. Gray didn't have a monitor, apparently. Or it was turned off for the forbidden fruit.
Gray peeled the orange and divided it into sections, then laid it on the bench and ate each piece slowly. Eventually he looked at Jason as if realizing he was there.
"You're wasting your time on me," said Gray, chewing the last orange section.
"Don't say that."
"I will be a slave—then I'll be a complete wreck and they'll discard me. That's why I should just… get what I can out of what's left of my life. Before…." His eyes strayed, unfocused.
"Every inch of beauty is worth staying alive for."
"You wouldn't say that if your mind was taken over by them—mere stolen moments are all I have… I forget only a few minutes a day."
Pain twisted in his heart. "I don't know what that's like." None of us could survive here long… we would become like those who have been here a year, shells of their former selves. He hated to describe them that way, but he doubted they could heal enough to get beyond self-preserving numbness unless they had years of intensive therapy.
Which they may have if – when—we escape.
A shadow fell across them.
Jason's heart dropped.
"Long time no see," said Kell, his smug face looking down at Jason.
Jason slid back on the bench, feeling trapped.
Kell stepped inside, wrested the last ripe orange off the tree. As he peeled it, his eyes fell to the orange peels on the bench. "What's this?" He stepped forward.
Gray froze with terror.
Kell chuckled. "Don't worry. You're not the one I'm here for. It was you, I take it, who ate the orange?"
Gray nodded slowly.
"You're allowed that. Jason on the other hand… You didn't share, did you?"
Gray shook his head.
"If so, I would've had to punish both of you. As it is, I'm just here to deliver a message."
"What," said Jason, sharper than he intended, his voice trying to override his fear.
A slice of a smile slid across Kell's face. "You're going to want to shave. Get a haircut." He reached over and before Jason realized what he was doing, tousled his hair. Jason jerked away.
"What for."
"What else? Elena wants her slaves presentable. And since you're her crowning gem—although I can't quite see why… you need to be extra polished. Especially since she's returning soon."
A fist seized Jason's throat. "When," he barely managed to say.
Kell shrugged. "Soon. So you better get yourself in order. Prep according to the guidelines—and read between the lines, too." Without warning, grabbed Jason's jaw and wrested it upwards. "I think you know what I mean. Be accommodating. Make yourself ready for anything she asks of you." He looked him up and down.
Jason tried to pull away, but his muscles were seized by weakness. He could only rest his chin on the man's hand, the back of his neck aching, his heart thundering in his ears.
Kell's brown eyes struck his, and the sheer brutality of them made him shudder.
Those were the eyes that Elliot had seen as—
Zar loomed over him, his face shadowed against the strobing light. Dim glitter like snowflake shadows. Hands seizing him, ripping him apart—whitehot burns—shame such as he had never known—
The hand withdrew.
He was petrified like a mummy left after a volcanic explosion.
His heart crumbled to ash.