Authors note: Poor Sesshomaru. So tormented, and he must stay unaware as to why. Even though we all already know. It's okay. He will know eventually. Growth is painful. ]

Chapter 33 - Struggle

In an attempt to quell the sensation of being out of control, Sesshomaru tried to identify the specific singular emotions he was battling. Perhaps identifying what plagued him, would enable him to be rid of them permanently.

Rage, was foremost. Not an entirely unfamiliar sensation to him. He'd felt rage at many beings. InuYasha being the most common. Toga, also. Who had left, betrayed and then condescended his goals in life, of the path of supreme conquest. Inkimi would be another, though he'd always kept his rage concealed in her presence. Getting angry or showing emotion only seemed to satisfy her, as if it was some sort of strange game.

But why would he be feeling rage?

Am I angry at Rin?

He discarded the thought as soon as it touched his mind.

No.

Not angry with her… perhaps angry about her. Which was similar, yet distinctly different.

But… why?

Unable to come to a resolve, he shifted to the next emotion to try to process, and hopefully permanently eject it from his thoughts. There were several heartbeats of silence, as he struggled. The emotions which were not focused around anger, turned out to be much more difficult for him to identify. Likely since he had so little experience with them.

Finally, one cleared, standing out from the rest. Pain. Sesshomaru's eyes opened, unseeing as he focused on the word.

Pain?

There was no reason for him to be feeling such an emotion. Pain was weak. He'd barely acknowledged pain when InuYasha had severed his left arm. Certainly, he had no reason to acknowledge it now. But yet, this was not the same type of pain. This was an internal, shapeless pain, that seemed to permeate from somewhere deep. With disgust, he ascertained that it was not physical pain. It was emotional.

Have I grown so weak, as to feel such pathetic human emotions?

Why should he feel pain, thinking that Rin would one day leave? She was a human. At best, her occupation in his life was only temporary.

A few decades will pass in the blink of an eye, and she will be dead.

The sensation of pain intensified. The image of Rin's broken body, torn apart by the wolves, rose to his mind. Sesshomaru closed his eyes, trying to also close the image from his thoughts. Without trying to further assess the pain, he shoved it far from his mind.

There was an undercurrent of something else. Another emotion which Sesshomaru struggled to identify. It wasn't the same as the others… it was a type of burning. But burning wasn't the right word to describe it either. It was like being thirsty, but no drink could quench the need for water. It was something… beyond.

Frustrated that his time spent, had not truly helped him come to any conclusions, Sesshomaru turned and began to head back toward the shack. His clothing was thoroughly saturated, dripping from every corner and hem. It only soured his mood more. He couldn't be certain how long he had been away, standing on the precipice and lost in his own mind. The rain was growing stronger again, as darkness began to gather.

Have I been gone all day?

With his own invisible storm cloud overhead, he stepped up the stairs and walked into the hut. Within, it was dark, no fire was lit.

"My Lord Sesshomaru!" Cried Jaken, scrambling to meet his master. "I cannot stand it when you leave me behind my Lord! Why did you take Rin with you and not me?! I should be very cross with you."

Simmering in his own anger, he popped Jaken once solidly on the head.

"I do not answer to you Jaken." He reminded the imp, his tone dangerous. Then, processing what his vassal had said, his eyebrows drew together. "Rin did not accompany me."

Jaken's blubbering instantly stopped, as a hush fell over the cabin. "Euhhh… she… isn't… with you?" Fear made the imp's voice shake. "I thought surely… she ran out of the hut this morning. I never thought she would go out alone."

Alarm shot through Sesshomaru, he turned and looked out the door. Had she tried to follow him through the rain?

"If something has happened to Rin, your life is forfeit." He said. Words calm, belaying the fresh wave of emotions he battled under the surface. No further words were spoken, the only sound was the swoosh as he flew out the door, the bamboo mat quaking in his wake.

It was a lie. He wouldn't kill Jaken. The fault was his own. Rin followed him everywhere, and he'd left without instructing her to stay… he should have known better. This anger, was at himself.

There was no trail to follow, the rain and mud had swallowed all of the lilac scent that cling to her skin. Any footprints were long since flushed away by the rain. Sesshomaru started first in one direction, then, retraced his steps and went instead in the direction he had walked that morning. She would have followed him, where she believed he had gone.

Where are you Rin?

She had to be here. Somewhere. A sound drew his attention, a sound which was dissonant of the natural sounds of the rain. Honing in on the sound, he moved closer, hovering above the ground.

"I swear, there's a human girl just a little farther this way. Come on—- hurry. I'm starving for some fresh meat."

Fury blazed in Sesshomaru's chest, hot as a flame. Before he realized what had happened, the two ogre demons, lay dead at his feet. Slashed into pieces from his claws. Efficient, but perhaps with more brutally than necessary.

Rin. She has to be close.

His body cut through the air, golden eyes searching the sloshy landscape below. Finally— there. A small dark object amidst the greenery. He landed behind her, a swelling sensation of relief whooshing out of him as he realized that she was unharmed.

"Oh! Lord Sesshomaru!" She turned to him with a smile. "I was trying to find you, and I got a bit turned around. But I found these flowers! I thought they would help cheer you up. You looked so gloomy this morning." Smiling still, she held up a handful of flowers to him.

Lost in the woods, about to be eaten by demons… and she was collecting flowers, for me?

He knelt down in the mud beside her, eyes sweeping her overall, ensuring again that she was safe. Then he inhaled the rain muted scent of lilacs. Slowly, he reached out and grasped the bunch of wildflowers she offered him, before standing again.

"Let's go, Rin."