Friends and Lovers
Chapter Eight
Matt lingered in the hall outside her door and listened to the sounds of Sora settling into the bed. He felt the smile slowly fade from his face. Far too on edge to take himself to his own bed he stood alone in the shadows and raked his hand through his hair in frustration.
The night had taken a turn even he could not have anticipated and he wasn't sure yet how best to deal with it. When he'd set out for the cabin this morning he'd made a promise to himself that he would never make this mistake again. And yet here I am, he thought ruefully.
He sighed and quietly made his way back down stairs. He really needed to try to get some sleep, but he knew there was no chance in his current state. He'd already tossed and turned earlier until Taichi suggested he take a walk to clear his head. He'd been wound up even before coming across Sora on the side of the road. Then seeing her after so many years had been like a kick in the gut. Of course no one had warned him she would be coming after all. He'd prepared himself to see her at the wedding, because he knew there was no way she would miss that, but to just turn a corner in the road and see her? It had unsettled him more than he wanted to admit, even to himself.
He headed back outside in search of the clear head he'd lost earlier, the night air not quite chill enough to cool his heated skin. His stomach roiled at the prospect of tomorrow and he took a deep breath in a futile attempt to ease it. What happened, happened. He told himself firmly and pointedly turned away from the path he'd walked with Sora, choosing instead to continue along the lake shore in the opposite direction. He just needed to clear his head so he could think and decide on a plan for damage control. He shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked the rocks away as he walked, shaking his head at the situation he'd gotten himself in to. He knew better than to get involved with anyone from their tight group of friends, and yet here he was.
He cursed his weakness and while he was at it he cursed her too.
But Dammit he'd missed her. Just being with her again reminded him that she'd torn a hole in his life when she left. She always understood him in a way no one else did and to say he thought she would always be there under stated how important her friendship had been. The memory came to him in a painful flash, as it frequently did, just a grainy still frame of his father hunched on the floor, face in his hands. Yes he had taken very deliberate steps to ensure nothing threatened their friendship… but he'd underestimated the steps she would take for more. She'd hurt him when she left and the worst part was knowing she had no idea just how much.
No one did.
They blamed him for her leaving, and that had hurt too. Every invitation she turned down meant not so subtle comments implying maybe he was the one who should stay home. "She's the one who left!" he wanted to shout at them. "I'm still here." He hated her back then.
He never tried to explain the situation to anyone, they wouldn't have understood anyway. It was easier for them to think he'd done something so terrible, maybe even something unforgivable, than to try and justify himself.
Time had eased some of the anger he felt, but as that time passed it was more and more obvious she wanted nothing to do with him. He did his best to act as though he wanted nothing to do with her as well, unfortunately that hadn't turned out so well for him.
But that's done now, he reminded himself, relief washing over him. That he was finally free only reinforced what a mistake it had been to kiss Sora. The problem was that he had allowed himself to regret, and that had led to some terrible choices trying to fill the void in his life. He flinched away from those thoughts and assured himself again that at least he could put that behind him. He'd most likely be dealing with the consequences for some time to come, but he liked to think he was quite skilled in the art of living with his terrible choices at this point.
Speaking of terrible choices, Sora was going to be a problem. The vision of her standing thigh deep in the water came unbidden, arched in the moonlight like a Siren with her arms lifted to discard what little fabric covered her. He remembered how it felt to wrestle her to the ground, remembered the feel of her pinned to the ground beneath him. If he hadn't been so upset that would have been the end for him right then. Giving her his shirt had been pure self defense, though seeing her in his clothes had been unexpectedly visceral.
There really had been no winning the battle within himself. From the instant she'd appeared on the shore and shrugged out of her ridiculous excuse for a robe he knew the night wasn't going to end well for him. Hell, he'd known he was in trouble as soon as he saw her on the side of the road. To his credit he'd tried to drive her away. He had a wealth of bitterness to pull on when it came to Sora and he shamelessly tapped that source in self defense.
Unfortunately he hadn't been able to overcome his own weakness. He had a wealth of that when it came to Sora as well.
He came upon a point in the path where the shoreline was broken by large boulders looming like the bones of some great beast scattered out into the lake. The path he was following veered into the deeper shadows under the trees ringing the lake and he knew from T.K.'s hike earlier that the path circled back to the cabin from here, but he wasn't ready to head back quite yet. He braced his hands on one of the smaller boulders and pulled himself up, careful to keep his footing. He was thankful for the full moon shining bight above him as he clamored up and over to the larger boulders.
The boulders were large enough that falling could cause a serious injury so he focused on not falling. He acknowledged he was an idiot- he could hardly afford to break any bones rock jumping by moonlight- but physical exertion could always be counted on to bring him peace of mind if not clarity. He needed that peace now.
When he finally reached the farthest boulder in the lake he lowered himself and inched close enough to the edge that his legs danged out over the water. He took in the night and welcomed the stillness settling in him, calming the storm which had been brewing in his guts since he arrived.
Reluctantly he returned his thoughts to Sora.
He leaned back, arms crossed behind his head and the granite digging in to his skin as he contemplated the night sky. He thought back to when he first met Sora and smiled. She'd been such a bossy little girl, always trying to mother everyone like a responsible big sister. She'd been closest to Taichi then and since Matt had always clashed with him it was easy to think of her as siding against him at first. He didn't know when she'd become so important, but when he realized just how much he cared there had been a crisis within him.
The memory flashed again and Matt braced himself for the pain it never failed to inflict. The door swinging open to a dark hall, calling out for his Mom as he entered. Turning to see his father slumped against the wall, sobbing in to his hands. "She's gone" his father whispered in a broken voice "She left us."
That moment had shaped him. Losing his Mom, his little brother, his safe and secure sense of family. The memory of his father a broken man on the floor. These had haunted him growing up. At first he held tightly to the things he loved until he drove them all away, even his little brother had resented him. He'd needed to learn to let go of what he loved back then.
It had been a lesson he learned well.
He laughed at his childish reasoning. He'd done what he thought needed to be done to keep Sora in his life. He knew she wanted more, but he also knew there would be no going back once they crossed that line and the thought of losing her friendship left him devastated.
Joke was on him- he'd lost her anyway.
He remembered spotting her coming to find him, the absolute horror that washed over him when he realized she was going to confess.
Why are you doing this? He'd thought wildly Why are you ruining everything! He'd been desperate enough that he'd tried to flee the building, hoping if she didn't find him she would lose her nerve.
That was when his newest ex girlfriend cornered him. He'd been frustrated at first, but then he was struck with what he thought then was a brilliant plan. If Sora saw he had a girlfriend she would never try to confess- she wasn't that kind of girl. That's how he kept her at a distance through most of High School and it had worked brilliantly up to then.
He knew it was a mistake as soon as he looked up and saw her in the doorway. He saw the pain in her face and knew he had caused it. When she turned and fled he understood it was the end. He knew if he let her leave she might be gone from his life forever, just as he'd always feared she would be.
He could have chased her, and in his mind he did. He imagined catching her and holding her close…that she would understand his reasons -understand him- and stay. Instead he'd stood unmoving as the memory of his father's voice echoed in his head "she's gone…she left us."
He didn't know how long he'd stood there letting the void swallow him, but it was Taichi who shook him out of it, demanding to know what he'd done. Matt had felt the tears coming then and lashed out, as he always did. He'd shoved Taichi away and tried to leave, but Taichi had come back up and tackled him. They'd both wound up on the floor in one of their worst scuffles until Joe and Izzy broke it up. That fight had only reinforced in everyone's mind that he'd done something awful to drive her away.
He didn't like to think about that time, but he forced himself to face it now. He remembered it had been incredibly lonely. Sora should have been his room mate in college and moving into his empty two bedroom apartment alone was hard. His furniture didn't arrive until the next day and he'd spent the night fully clothed on the floor of his living room. He knew if Sora had been there it would have been a completely different kind of night- she had that kind of energy- but he'd driven her away.
Once the semester began it was easy enough to find a room mate to share rent, but his friends weren't speaking to him and he was hardly in the head space at the time to make new friends. Once again he'd lost everything. He alternated between antisocial recluse and self destructive rock star.
Matt couldn't help smiling at the memories, it was a miracle he survived that first semester.
Really it had been his father who saved him. Maybe it was his parental senses tingling, or maybe it was because he'd been through the same- but his father seemed to know he needed healing. Matt remembered those days fondly. They'd finally opened up about the divorce and his father confessed his mother had not just left on a whim- there had been issues between them he wouldn't have understood as a child. His father cried for his own part and said he begged her not to take both his sons. They'd agreed the boys would go between houses every weekend. Matt had cried then too, because he'd always refused to see his mom because what if his dad thought he left too? Then as a teen it had been a matter of loyalty. His father encouraged him to visit his mother and for the first time since the divorce he'd willingly gone to see her.
Because Sora left him, he was finally able to forgive his mother for leaving him. The emptiness he'd lived with for years began to fill.
He'd done well enough since then he figured, until T.K.'s engagement. The news hit him in unexpected ways and there had been some hasty decisions he definitely should not have made. He snorted at the thought. And yet here I am he thought, amused that he was contemplating his life by moonlight continuing to make bad choices.
What made it a bad choice? He surprised himself by wondering, because of course it was bad. He'd only just escaped from a bad situation brought about by his twisted attempt at coping and here he was throwing himself back in. That it was Sora this time made things worse, not better.
He smiled though, thinking about the moment his control slipped. It was her temper that did it, he'd missed the way she got fired up. The kiss had been completely unplanned, something that felt like it couldn't not happen. That chaste peck had been nothing like he what he wanted it to be- it had barely been a kiss at all- but it had been dangerous to let his control slip even that much. He would have kissed her properly if Joe hadn't interrupted them.
Joe… another complication. Matt shook his head. In self disgust Joe had taken his place in Sora's life and Matt didn't like how that felt. He remembered the two of them snuggled together on the patio and frowned. He didn't like how that felt at all
Was he really going to try and walk away from whatever this? He wondered at his own reasoning. He'd intentionally tried to keep Sora as just a friend so he'd never lose her, but he'd lost her anyways. He thought he'd lost her forever.
Now she was back, and she didn't hate him. The wheels were already in motion, what happened if he put the breaks on now? The fears that plagued him as a child still clung to him, but he'd already lived without her... what was he really afraid of?
What could be worse than what he'd already lived through?
He shook his head at his own stupidity and climbed to his feet. With a decision made, he was suddenly desperate for sleep and a new day.
Out of the frying pan He thought, smiling as he started the careful climb back down, and in to the fire..