Chapter 21
A golden ray of sunlight cascades from the window and dances across my eyelids.
I wake up feeling the most well-rested I had felt in months. Maybe even years.
I wake up in a fairytale. A world where everything is perfect. A world that greets me with open arms. The sunlight seeps through the curtains, soft and warm on my skin. The bed sheets envelop me like a cloud. Birds sing a happy tune outside of the window as the morning tide kisses the shore. It was as if the world had shifted overnight. Everything felt more vibrant and alive than the day before. More possible. Happier. And I suppose I was living a fairytale because after last night how could I not be? Conrad and I were getting our happy ending.
Not only were we planning on moving in together next year, but we were making other plans. We were talking about getting married.
Me and Conrad.
The first boy who ever taught me how to dance and swim. The boy who had nearly all of my firsts who would now have all of my lasts.
I still couldn't believe it. I couldn't stop smiling.
I replay the memory of last night over and over in my head the way you do with your favorite movie. The way you do with that one scene you never skip no matter how many times you've seen it because it never gets old. Because you don't want to miss or forget a single detail. I would give anything just to relive last night again for the first time. I didn't want to forget the way I had felt. The way I was feeling right now. I mean, how do you forget one of the most magical nights of your life? You don't. Your heart clings onto every word, every look, and every detail until the memory becomes a part of you. It becomes etched into your very soul. Last night was one of my new top moments with him. A night that set everything into motion. A night my heart would treasure forever. The way we had danced and laughed together in the sand. The words we had spoken only for each other on that moonlit beach. The way he had looked at me for the rest of the night after I had told him I wanted to marry him. I was on such a high. The high of knowing Conrad and I wanted the same things. We saw a future together and today felt like the start of that. The start to forever. A brand new chapter in our story and I had a feeling it was going to be our best chapter yet. And as the reality of the events from the night before sink in, I don't feel any regrets waking up this morning. I don't feel scared. I don't feel anxious. All I felt was peace. Belonging. Joy. Love. Like I had never known true happiness until last night.
I feel a hand lightly graze my back and I turn over on my side to look at him.
Conrad is sound asleep next to me. I was grateful he was sleeping in because he never got to. His arms are stretched out towards me, reaching for me in his sleep and it makes me smile. Lately we'd always wake up with an arm or leg touching even if we hadn't fallen asleep that way. It was like our bodies couldn't stand to be apart for any longer. They were making up for lost time. The corners of his mouth are turned up and I wonder what he is dreaming about. His expression looks calm. Relaxed. Happy. I scoot closer to him and I reach out to move some of the hair falling into his eyes, admiring him in the morning light.
Was this what I had to look forward to? Waking up to him like this forever? It felt like an impossible gift. A gift I would never take for granted. How could I ever throw such a gift away?
I snuggle closer to him and his warm arms wrap around me in his sleep. I smile with my eyes closed as I start to drift back to sleep too. Today was the last day of our weekend together and I was soaking in the last of these waking moments with him. I didn't want to start the day. Not yet. The sooner we started the day, the sooner we would have to say goodbye and how was I supposed to say goodbye to him after last night? After this weekend? Reality could wait. Everything could wait.
I wanted to stay here just a while longer in our little slice of heaven. In the arms of my favorite person. Basking in my golden sun. My future. My everything. My Conrad.
Conrad:
Everything feels right.
Her hand is in mine where it belongs. It's minutes before sunset. The beach is picture perfect. We had the entire beach to ourselves. I truly couldn't have planned it any better.
Belly is laughing about something I said and I'm laughing with her but my mind is elsewhere. My free hand toys with the velvet ring box in my pocket as I go over everything over and over again in my head. This wasn't something I wanted to mess up. No, I wanted this to go perfectly for her. For us. Belly gasps at something behind me in the distance but I don't take my eyes off of her. I was feeling every emotion there was. My heart was racing. Today was the day.
The day I would propose and she had absolutely no idea.
"No way." Belly smiles, walking past me. She points out at the ocean. "Conrad, look!"
Underneath the sunset forming in the sky are a group of dolphins swimming together in unison. They're not close to the shore but they could still be seen with the naked eye. Even so, my eyes remain fixed on her. My girl. My Belly. The only girl in this entire world for me. She looks back at me with windswept hair and the prettiest smile I had ever seen. And I swear she puts every sunset to shame with that smile. Her eyes shined brighter than a thousand suns. It took my breath away and I just smile at her with a familiar feeling in my chest. If love had a shape and a face and a name, it would be her. She was everything good in this world. Everything I could ever want or need. God, how did I ever get so lucky? She smiles then she turns back around to watch them swim away. And I know in my heart that this is it. This is the moment. It has to be.
I let out a shaky breath as I look up at the sky. Now that the moment was here, I was looking for some some sort of sign or something. Guidance from up above. From my mom.
"Did you know dolphins are a sign of good luck and protection?" Belly says all of a sudden.
With her back to me, she proceeds to tell me a bedtime story my mom used to read to her as a kid and I feel a sense of calm wash over me. It was the only sign I needed. My mom was here. I could feel her now and I hadn't felt her presence that strongly in a very long time. I wouldn't be surprised if she had painted the colors in the sky just for the two of us. Just for this moment. I take the ring box out of my pocket, hoping and knowing that my mom would help me find the right words to say. My hands shake as I prepare myself for what I am about to do.
Shoot your shot.
She finishes her story and I yearn for her to turn around. I was ready now. More than ready. What I was feeling was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I had expected to feel nervous amongst other things but what I hadn't expected to feel was this calm. I felt like a different man than I had been a few minutes ago. I had never felt so certain or so sure about anything or anyone in my entire life. My past, my present, and my future was standing right in front of me. It was her. It had always been her and I couldn't wait to tell her that. To hold her hand and tell her everything.
Turn around, beautiful girl. My heart whispers to hers. Look at me.
Belly eventually does look back at me but I'm no longer standing in the sand. Instead, she finds me down on one knee holding out the velvet ring box and she slowly turns around.
"Conrad?" She blinks as her eyes land on the ring.
She wears all of her emotions on her face as she processes what is happening and I just smile.
"Isabel. Susannah. Conklin." I take her hand in mine.
I recite everything written on my heart. Everything that had been there since the beginning and Belly cries as I hold her hand through all of it but they're not sad tears. They're happy ones. She smiles as she cries and by the time I finish, we're both crying. Then I ask her the most important question of all questions a man could ever ask a woman. I lay it all out on the line.
"Belly." My heart can't hold back the words any longer. "Will you- will you marry me?"
The seconds felt like years for my heart as I waited for her to find her words.
"Are you kidding?" Belly cries harder but the smile doesn't leave her face. "Yes. Yes!!"
And it's the happiest moment of my entire life when we embrace.
It makes it to the top of the list. The list of our top moments. The moment my girl becomes my fiance. This was it. This was our start. Me and Belly. I close my eyes as I hold my entire world in my arms, knowing we would never have to be apart ever again. We had found our way back to each other just like my mom had said. I smile up at the sky to find the colors of the sunset more alive than ever before and I just knew in my heart my mom was there celebrating with us too.
But before I can slip the diamond ring on her darling little finger, that's when I wake up.
I wake up an hour and a half later with my head on his chest.
His arms are still wrapped around me and I never want to leave the warmth and safety of them but I also knew that if we didn't wake up now, we'd have even less time to spend together. It was time to wake up. Time to face reality. My heart sighs. Why were we always saying goodbye?
I decide to kiss him awake. I crawl on top of him and I straddle his lap then I lean down to kiss him. I start at his ear then I work my way up to his lips. As I trail kisses along his jawline, he starts to stir in his sleep and a few moans escape his lips. God, I would never get tired of this. The morning Conrad that only I got to see. His tan body wrapped up in white bed sheets. His messy hair. His raspy morning voice. I loved him. Every version. Every part. Always and forever.
When he finally opens his eyes, he almost looks distraught to wake up from his dream. Sad.
"Bad dream?" I stop kissing him and I place a hand on his cheek, worried.
"No." Conrad blinks. "It was a good dream." His eyes shine. "A really good dream."
His hands find my hips and he pulls me closer into him to pick up on where I had left off with the kissing. The way he kisses me makes me think the dream had been about us. It was a deliberate kind of kiss.
I smile under his lips. "Was it a dream about us?"
Conrad just kisses me deeper and I know the answer is yes. We're both smiling now.
I laugh, breathless. "Someone's in a good mood today."
"Mhm." He brushes his nose gently against mine. "How could I not be after last night?"
He kisses me again and my lips part for his without hesitation. When he pulls away, I admire him for what felt like the last time. I was already missing this. Missing him. Our mornings together. I knew that after last night, today was going to be one of our hardest goodbyes. The mere thought of waking up alone without him tomorrow was already starting to hit hard.
He reaches out to play with my hair, misinterpreting the sad expression on my face.
"Speaking of last night." He doesn't look at me when he asks me. "How are you feeling?"
I could tell he wasn't just asking me if I was hungover. He was checking to see if I still felt good about everything after last night. If I still felt good about us. It kills me that he even has to ask.
"Are you kidding?" I bite my lip, leaning forward. "I'm great." I kiss him to reassure him. "In fact, I've never been better."
His body relaxes under mine as my kiss and words melt away all of his doubts and fears. We exchange a moment of us just looking at each other after we kiss and he starts to play with my hair. Today our chemistry was on a whole other level. Pure fireworks. Straight electric jolts.
"How are you feeling?" I rest my chin on his chest as he plays with my hair. "After last night?"
Conrad flashes his signature smirk. "I hope you already know the answer to that."
We smile at each other, both of us feeling the exact same way. We were on such a high.
"Are you even real?" I just shake my head at him. "Is this even real?"
Conrad laughs, twisting my hair in between his fingers. "You tell me."
"How did we even get here?" I laugh in disbelief as I sit up on him. "I mean, six months ago we weren't even talking and now we're-" I trail off, talking with my hands in the air.
Conrad's hands find mine and his fingers interlace with mine in the air. He pulls me into him.
"And now we're getting married." He finishes my sentence for me as he holds my gaze.
He kisses me again and we both laugh from the thrill and magic of it all. Hearing him say those words out loud again made me realize this wasn't a fairytale. This was really happening. Me and Conrad. We weren't even engaged but it almost felt like we were from how giddy we both were. Today we were one step closer to that. A real engagement. A wedding. All of it.
I bury my face in his shoulder, laughing. "What are you doing to me? I can't stop smiling."
He laughs, hugging me. "Neither can I."
"Seriously, how did we get here?" I pull away to look at him again. "What is happening?"
"Well." Conrad reaches out to play with my hair. "It all started when you batted those pretty little chocolate eyes at me when I was like twelve and that was it." He looks at me. "I was in love."
"Right." I laugh. "Me and my braces and my pink glasses totally stole your heart."
"They were cute." Conrad shrugs with a smirk. "I never minded them."
I snort. "They were so not cute!"
"Pretty sure you don't get a say in what twelve year old me found attractive." He winks.
"Oh yeah?" I lean in closer, feeling playful. I look at his lips. "Then what do I get a say in?"
"Everything." He says, brushing his nose against mine. "Whatever you want."
"Oh, Is that right?" I start to trail kisses from his jawline to his lips.
"Mhm." He moans with his eyes closed.
I start to trail a hand down his chest as I look at him. "Whatever I want?"
He knew where this was going.
"Whatever you want." He repeats himself but he struggles to keep his breathing in check as my hand gets lower and lower down down his body.
It was nice to know we had the same effect on each other. I just smile as I kiss him deeper.
"How about you and me every morning?" I whisper against his lips. "Just like this forever?"
"Done." He says before his lips are crashing into mine.
Conrad:
I get dressed then I lean against the doorway as I watch her get ready in the bathroom mirror.
We had shared a bathroom every summer of our lives but there was something about watching her get ready that did always something to me. How she would brush through her long chocolate hair. How she would hum the same songs over and over again as she got ready. The concentrated face she would make as she did her mascara. How she smacked her lips together after applying her favorite lip balm. I wanted to kiss those perfect lips so bad right now. I had just spent all weekend kissing them but I would never get enough of them. Ever. I was forever smitten. Completely and utterly smitten by this perfect angel standing in front of me.
And as I watched her get ready, I still couldn't believe that this perfect angel had chosen me. She would never even begin to understand how much last night meant to me. How she had poured her heart out to me on the beach. How she had given me the green light. The go ahead. The reassurance that she wanted a future together just as bad as I did. I was on cloud nine. She wanted this. She wanted us. She wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry her. We were really doing this. Maybe birthday wishes and dreams really do come true after all, I smile to myself.
Belly sets down her straightener when she is done and she eyes me in the mirror.
"Are you going to tell me why you keep looking at me like that?" She teases me with a smile.
I come up from behind her and I move some of her hair to the side to trail kisses down her neck. She giggles as my arms wrap around her and I hug her closer than ever before. The way I had always dreamt of holding her for so many summers. We make eye contact in the mirror.
"What?" I breathe into her ear, hugging her from behind. "I can't admire my future fiance?"
I watch what my words do to her and she blushes then we just smile at each other in the mirror. We looked good together. Like one of those couples who truly belonged together.
"I can't believe your birthday weekend is almost over." She sighs at our reflection. "It went by so fast." She holds onto me tighter. "But I guess all good things must come to an end, right?"
"Not always." I hold her gaze as I rest my head on hers. "Not us. You and I are a forever thing."
She smiles at me in the mirror but the look in her eyes kills me. It was hard to think about the harsh truth that in a few hours we were going to have to say goodbye. She looks so much like younger Belly at that moment and I revert back to the younger boy who would do anything just to see her smile. The boy who would do anything to take it all away. I try to cheer her up.
"You and I." I smirk as I kiss her neck, searching for the right words. "You and I are immovable objects."
That gets a laugh out of her. "That sounds like something Susannah would say."
"Yeah, it kind of does." I laugh too.
Then we share a moment of us just looking at each other in the mirror, neither of us wanting to let go of this perfect weekend or each other.
"You're right though." She smiles at me in the mirror. "You and I are immovable objects."
God, I would do anything just to keep that smile on her face. Anything. And that's when my idea from last night comes back to me. An idea I had fallen asleep with. It couldn't have found me at a better time.
I nod at the door, "What do you say we get out of here?"
He drives and I don't ask him where we're going because it doesn't matter. I would follow Conrad Fisher anywhere.
He makes a stop in town first to grab us some muffins and coffee to-go for breakfast. I had always joked that muffins were the best hangover cure in Cousins and we had a lot to drink last night. He gets back into the car with the box of muffins and coffees. I thank him as I help him set them down but then I notice he has something behind his back. He brings it into view. It was a fresh bouquet of flowers. He looks almost shy as he hands them to me.
I smile, taking them. "What's this for?"
"No reason." He shrugs. "I wanted to get them for you."
They were bright yellow sunflowers with a few white roses added to the bunch. A callback to when he had taken me to Michaels all those years ago and he had arranged a similar bouquet. I had laughed at him then and I couldn't help but laugh now. I wondered if he had asked the lady to add a few white roses to the bouqet. It was like an inside joke between us at this point.
"They're perfect. Thank you." I laugh, admiring them then I look at him. "But shouldn't this I be the one spoiling you? It's still your birthday weekend, you know."
"Oh trust me, you've spoiled me rotten." Conrad laughs as he starts the engine. "You went all out yesterday, remember?"
I laugh with him. "I'm glad you think so."
"Besides." Conrad reaches over to trace my cheek. "You deserve flowers every day, not just on special occasions."
Then he starts to back out of the parking spot like he hadn't just said one of the most romantic things ever to me and I just smile at him in awe from the passenger seat. Today was off to a great start.
We go on a drive through some fall foliage and we play some music then we arrive at the abandoned lighthouse a couple miles down the coast. I had never been to the lighthouse before mainly because I never had a reason to go but my family had driven past it countless times. Every summer, I would watch the lighthouse fade into the distance from the backseat and that's how I would know summer was officially over when I couldn't see the lighthouse or the waves of Cousins Beach anymore.
As we walk up to it, it looks just like your typical lighthouse. A landmark built during a different time. It was weathered with a red roof but it had a mysterious charm to it. Stories within its walls. We enter through a back door where the lock had been broken by someone else before us.
Conrad lays out a blanket for us then we drink our coffees and eat our muffins at the very top. We exchange comfortable silence as we enjoy breakfast. We watch all of the sailboats bob in the distance. It wasn't a bad view but the the view he had shown me at the Cliffs yesterday was better. We smile at each other as we take it all in. It was windy but we were dressed for it.
"So." I nibble on a corner of my muffin. "What's the story with this place?"
Conrad smirks as he sips his coffee. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
I laugh, tucking my windswept hair behind my ear. "Try me."
Then suddenly it hits me. Was there a reason he had taken me here after last night? Was is that obvious? I put on a hand on his shoulder and he looks at me.
"Wait." I think out loud. "Are you trying to tell me you want to get married here?"
I feel stupid as soon as the question leaves my mouth. What was wrong with me? We weren't even engaged. We hadn't even talked about venues yet. But Conrad just laughs at me like I'm the most adorable thing in the world.
"It's pretty windy up here, Belly." He laughs. "I don't think you or your dress would like that."
"Yeah." I laugh, relieved we were on the same page. "I don't think our families would like the hike up the stairs either."
Conrad laughs as he drinks his coffee then he says, "You'll never guess who did get married up here though."
I look at him, wondering who it could be.
"I'll give you a hint." Conrad smirks. "He really likes peanuts and cigarettes."
"No way." I laugh, genuinely surprised. "Ernie?"
Conrad nods. "He used to be the official lighthouse keeper of Cousins way back in the day."
"Wow." I laugh as I warm my hands with my coffee. "That man has lived quite the life."
"He really has." Conrad nods as he looks out at the water. "You wouldn't believe half of the stories he has told me. They did so much together." He looks back at me. "Him and Elizabeth."
I smile at him. I loved the way Conrad spoke so highly about them. It warmed my heart.
"So what made them want to get married up here?"
"It just made sense for them. This is where it all began. This is where they met." Then he adds. "That and the fact that they were dirt poor in Ernie's words so they couldn't really afford anything else."
We share a laugh as we eat our muffins.
"They never regretted it though." Conrad smiles. "Ernie always called Elizabeth his lighthouse."
"His lighthouse?" I look at him.
Conrad nods. "Lighthouses are typically seen as symbols of strength. Hope. Guidance. He said that from the moment he laid eyes on her that was it. His heart had found its way back home."
"That's sweet." I look out at the water. "Who knew Ernie was such a romantic?"
"When you know, you know." Conrad laughs.
A smile forms on my lips as I nod. "When you know, you know."
When I look back at him, he is looking at me the same way he had looked at me on the beach last night. The way he had looked at me our whole lives. The same way we had always looked at each other. With respect. With admiration. With love.
"So what happened next?" I place my hand on his on the ground. "What made him start the seafood restaraunt?"
"He figured it would be a great business opportunity because he already knew all of the local fishermen from running this place but he mostly did it to give Elizabeth a better quality of life. A nicer house, a bigger yard for the kids to play in, a grand piano. All of it."
"And he did it." I nod. "He gave her that and so much more."
"Yeah he did." Conrad pauses. "It's just a shame that their time together was cut short."
My heart starts to ache for Ernie and what he had lost. Who he had lost. Conrad had told me Elizabeth had died from cancer years ago and they had caught it in the later stages when it was too late. I guess Conrad and Ernie had more in common than I had previously thought.
"He loved her so much." I shake my head as I look out at the view. "He told me that sometimes he still hears her play. I can't imagine having to go on after you've lost your favorite person."
"I know the feeling." Conrad says in a low voice.
I look back at him with a familiar ache in my chest. At first, I thought he was talking about Susannah because that's who I was thinking about but then I realized he was actually talking about me which only makes the pain in my heart sharper.
"Losing you was-" Conrad lets out a breath as he keeps his eyes ahead. "I don't think I can really put it into words. I mean, I didn't give up. I kept going. I applied myself in school. I kept myself busy. I made new friends. Tried to build a new life for myself." He looks back at me. "But you were always there in the back of my mind, Belly. Like a fire that never burns out. You kept the light on in my heart." He tears up. "Even when you weren't mine, you were always my lighthouse. My heart's one and only home."
I struggle to find the right words to say back to him. I wasn't sure if there was anything I could say. His words hit me hard and I tear up as I listen to him.
"Oh, Conrad." I keep my hand over his. "I'm so sorry-"
"Don't be. It was a long time ago." He looks back out at the view. "Everything worked out the way it was supposed to."
We exchange a moment of silence, remembering a time where we weren't in each other's lives. It was painful.
"You were always mine too, you know." I say and he looks back at me. "I never once stopped thinking about you. Wondering about you. You were always there in the back of my mind. Guiding my heart back home to where it truly belonged. Here. With you."
We share a moment of us just looking at each other. We both had tears in our eyes.
"I'm just sorry that it took me so long to listen to my heart this time." I squeeze his hand. "You were always my lighthouse too, Conrad."
Conrad smiles at me and his hand squeezes mine back.
Then he says, "Stand up."
I blink. "What?"
"Stand up." He smirks.
I obey him and he helps me get to my feet.
"Are we stretching our sea legs?" I tease him.
"Something like that." He says as he holds my hands in his.
Then he drops down on one knee and my heart stops.
I knew he wasn't proposing. It was too early for that but it still felt unreal to watch him get down on one knee right in front of me like this in real time. He holds my hands in his as he looks up at me through his windswept hair and I began to shiver not just form the cold but from the excitement of whatever he was about to say.
"Belly." He says my name and it has never sounded better. "From the moment we kissed on the beach, I knew you were it for me. You have always been it for me and that has never ever changed. I don't think it ever will."
He shakes his head. "I can't even begin to tell you how much this weekend has meant to me. How much you mean to me. How much it meant to me to hear you say the words out loud that you want to marry me." He squeezes my hands in his. "And I want you to know that I meant every word I said to you last night too. That I'm going to give you everything you've ever wanted. Everything you've ever dreamed about." He starts to tear up. "I promise you that if you just give me a few more months, everything will get easier. Just give me a few more months until I graduate and we will never have to do long distance again." He brings my hands to his lips. "That's a promise."
Then he starts to take something out of his pocket. A small silver band.
"This was my mom's." He speaks softly. "It's not your exact ring size but I want you to have it. I want you to think of it as a promise ring." He starts to slip Susannah's ring on my ring finger. "I want you to remember the promise that I made to you last night. The promise that I'm making you right now. That no matter what, we are infinite." He looks back up at me. "That no matter what, you are it for me. My heart will always come back to you, Isabel. You're my lighthouse. My Venus Star. My compass. I promise you we will get through this. I know it sucks right now but it will be worth the wait. Together we can do anything. I promise."
It was a silver band adorned with blue gemstones. It was a pretty ring on its own but it was so much more beautiful and special to me because it had once belonged to the one person who we had so much love for. Susannah. I look into his eyes, at a loss for words. I couldn't believe he had just given me a promise ring. That he had just given me one of Susannah's ring. I knew how protective he was about her stuff. It really touched me. My heart was melting.
"Belly-" Conrad starts again but this time I just pull him back up to me.
We stand there hugging each other, savoring the moment. He didn't need to say anything else. He had said enough. He had said everything and more to make my heart soar. He had said enough to make me wish we were engaged right now. I would marry him right now if I could just like Ernie and Elizabeth had exchanged vows in this very spot where we were standing. Didn't he know that for him I would wait forever? He didn't even have to ask. Didn't he know that I would travel endlessly around this entire world and always come back to him? My Conrad. My lighthouse. My lifeline. My future husband.
"Can we stay like this forever?" I echo what I had said to him when we were stargazing on the bench Friday. "I never want to leave this spot."
"We can stay as long as you want." Conrad echoes what he had said back to me that night as he hugs me tighter. "We have all of the time in the world. Infinity."
But we didn't have all the time in the world. Our perfect little weekend together was coming to an end. Our time together was running out and we both knew it. The sun was already setting behind us over the water. A cruel reminder that we would have to say goodbye soon. But if there was anything that long distance had taught us it was that you had to focus on the now rather than the later. And right now, Conrad Fisher had just given me a promise ring. Not just any ring but one of Susannah's ring. A ring I would surely never take off. A promise both of us would keep this time.
A promise that no matter how far apart we drifted, we'd always come back to each other. Always.
Conrad:
I try to make our last few hours together as romantic as possible.
I turn on an old classic movie and I make us hot cocoa in our favorite mugs. I sit down next to her on the couch and we cuddle as we watch the movie. I watch her admire the ring, glowing from the flickering lights of the fireplace and it makes me so happy. I could tell it had meant a lot to her and I was so glad that I had given it to her. We don't end up watching the movie for very long though. She looks up at me with those doe eyes and one thing leads to another.
We end up on the floor, tangled up in blankets.
Her soft body arching under mine with her hair sprawled out on the blanket, giving me flashbacks to our first time. We don't bother turning off the movie. It simply fades into the background. All of my attention and focus is on her and vice versa. We don't say much. We let our bodies do the talking. I look into her eyes for nearly all of it, trying to give her something to hold onto. Trying to erase the pain of me leaving with every kiss and every touch. Trying to show her that she was the center of my world because she was. She really was. She was the focal point. We savor every moment as we lose ourselves in each other by the fireplace. This time was different between us. We had never been this close to heaven. It was slow. It was passionate. It was all-consuming. It was love.
Constellations by Jade LeMac plays in the background:
Lights are turned off
Music is on
Minds are unlocked
This feeling is amazing
Hands on your waist
Liquor is all that we taste
Your freckles lead the way
I trace your constellations
"You're really quiet." I say to her after as we lay on our sides, just looking at each other.
We still hadn't left the tangled mess of blankets on the floor. She looks sad and I'm sure I did too. We had been here before. I had to leave soon. But if I had it my way, I would never leave. I would stay here forever. I would choose her. Always. Everytime.
"There's a lot to think about." She whispers as she messes with the promise ring on her finger.
Both of our eyes reflect the same pain and sadness. The same longing for one another. The same heartbreak.
"Belly." I reach out to brush some of the hair out of her face. "I hope you know that if it was up to me I would never leave. If I could graduate early and move here tomorrow, I would. I really would."
"I know." Belly nods with tears in her eyes. "I know. It just never gets easier, does it?"
"No." I swallow as I look at the most precious thing to me in this entire world. "It doesn't."
"I'm sorry." She starts to cry. "I'm not trying to make things harder than they already are. Everything is just hitting me hard right now." She covers her face and the promise ring glows in the dark. "I'm sorry. I'm just really going to miss you."
"Shh, it's okay." I pull her towards me. "You're not making things harder. I'm going to miss you too. Come here."
I hold her as she cries and I squeeze my eyes shut as I try to memorize this moment. The feeling of holding her in my arms. Her smell. Her hair. Her voice. Her touch. Her her her. I kiss her hair and a single tear falls down my cheek as I hold her close. God, letting her go would be the death of me. I think I would always have an ache in my heart whenever I left her. It was just something I had learned to live with by now and I hated that. I resented that.
"It won't always feel like this." I whisper to her but also to myself. "One day we won't always be saying goodbye. That's something to look forward to. Hold onto that, baby."
She doesn't say anything as she cries and I try to be the strong one but she was my weakness. I could feel more tears forming behind my eyes as I listened to her cry.
"Thank you for this weekend, Belly." I tell her one last time. "I mean it. Thank you so much. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. Every moment spent with you is well worth the pain of every goodbye."
Belly pulls away to look at me and I dry her tears with my thumbs, cradling her face in my hands. Even when she cried, she was still so beautiful. So unbelievably fragile and precious and perfect. I just wanted to take care of her forever. I hated that she was crying because of me.
"Look at us." She tries to laugh through her tears. "We're a mess. How did we ever spend so many years apart?"
"I wish I knew." I say through my own tears.
Then she reaches out to touch my face like it was her last time doing it for awhile. It kills me. I lean into her touch as she leans into mine.
"I love you." She looks into my eyes. "I love you so much, Conrad. Thank you for giving me the best weekend too. I'll never forget it." She leans forward to press her forehead against mine. "Ever."
"Neither will I." I brush my nose against hers. "I love you more."
"Trust me." She shakes her head. "I've always loved you more. And for longer."
Oh, if only she knew. If only she could feel what I felt for her. What I had always felt for her.
I pull her back into me and she rests her head on my chest as her tears start to die down.
Then I whisper, "Imagine how much you love me and times that by infinity." My hand travels up and down her back to soothe her. "Now that." I hold her to me. "That is how much I love you, Belly."
When it comes time to say goodbye, I help him carry all of his birthday gifts to his car.
I take my time with each one, hoping to prolong each passing minute but there was nothing that could stop this from happening. Conrad couldn't stay. He had to go back to medical school and his life in the city. My heart had to accept that even though it felt like I was dying. He sets his bag down in the trunk with one final plop then he shuts the trunk and that was it. It was time to do what we had both dreaded all day. It was time to say goodbye.
"So I guess that's it." I think out loud.
We couldn't delay it any longer. It was time for him to go.
"Yeah." Conrad looks just as sad as I am, if not sadder. "That should be everything."
We both look at each other, memorizing the last time we would see each other for a few weeks. It was only a few weeks but after this weekend it felt like torture to even spend one day apart. That's when he wraps his arms around me like he had done so many times before. Only this time he holds me so tight that I almost can't breathe but I don't tell him that. It was nice to know he was feeling the exact same way. Our hearts were holding on for dear life. I try to stay strong but the tears are already rolling down my face as I memorize the smell and feel of him.
"Will you let me know when you get home safe?" I bury my face in his shoulder.
"Of course." He replies. "I'll call you, okay?"
"Okay." My breath shakes as I force myself to let go of him. "Good."
Conrad sees that I'm crying again and he pulls me back into him in an instant. Suddenly we're hugging again and I bury my face back into his shoulder. I knew this was hard for him too and I wasn't trying to make it harder on him by crying but there was only so much I could do. The tears just kept coming. My heart couldn't help it. I loved him so much it hurts. We stand there in the driveway hugging each other just like we had at the top of the lighthouse.
He sighs. "I have to be at the hospital really early tomorrow. I should go."
I swallow hard. "Yeah, you probably should."
But neither of us let each other go. If anything, we just hold on tighter.
Then he says, "Maybe if you close your eyes, it'll hurt less."
I look at him and he looks at me. We share our last moment of looking at each other with our foreheads pressed together. I understood what he was saying but it was still hard to do it.
"I love you, Belly." He looks into my eyes. "So much."
"I love you too." I try to find my inner strength as I squeeze my eyes shut.
Then I say, "It's okay. You can let me go now."
Conrad just hugs me tighter in response. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Okay." I hug him back.
Then he lets go of me but he doesn't leave right away. I can still feel his presence towering over me and that's when he presses his lips to my forehead. He was crying too even though he was trying to be quiet. I could hear his muffled tears and breath which only makes me cry harder.
"I love you." He says to me as he starts to back away in the dark.
He doesn't let go of my hand until the very last second. Until he has to. And I immediately feel the loss of him. My hand and heart had never felt so empty.
Distance and time force us apart once again, taking our hearts as prisoners. I'm tempted to open my eyes to get one last look at him but I know that it's just going to make things harder. He was right. It was better this way. I had watched him leave so many times and each time hurt worse than the last. I hear him get into his car and shut the door. He takes his time starting the car then he starts to pull out of the driveway.
When I finally open my eyes, I'm alone in the driveway and I sink to the ground holding my promise ring to my heart.
Conrad:
I take one last look at her when I get in my car.
She kept her eyes closed just like I had told her to and it fucking killed me to leave her like that. But I knew it would be easier this way. We would have never let go if I hadn't said that. Half of the pain for her was watching me leave and I just couldn't put her through that. Not again. Not anymore. I start to back out of the driveway and I look at her one last time in the rearview mirror before I turn onto the street and I say goodbye to my home. My girl. To Cousins.
I always shed a tear everytime I left Belly but I don't think I had ever cried like that. I let it all out. Everything I had been holding in when I had held her at the fireplace. If she knew how much it really pained me to leave, it would just make her cry harder so I had held it all in. I knew it hurt her to be the one who was always being left but it wasn't fun for me to be the one who was always leaving. I was in agony everytime I left her like my heart had been torn in half. Everything felt pointless without her but I also knew this pain was temporary. We just had to wait it out. We just had to get through these next few months then we would be living together, just like I had told her at the lighthouse. We would never have to do long distance again. We would put it in the past behind us, where it belongs. Mark my words.
I call Laurel on my way home to distract myself but also to share the good news.
"Connie." Laurel picks up on the first ring. "Happy belated Birthday. I hope it was a good one."
"Conrad!" I hear Cleveland say in the background. "Happy Birthday!"
"Thanks guys. It was the best. I'm not sure it can be beat." I turn my attention to Laurel. "Hey Laura, did you get the picture I sent you?"
"Oh sorry, you're on speaker. We've been cooking dinner." Laurel picks up her phone. "Let me check."
Laurel is quiet on the other end when she sees the picture I had sent to her. It was a picture of the ring. The diamond ring I had sent to myself from Belly's phone when she had shown me her Pinterest board. The ring I would have custom made for Belly.
"Oh, Connie." Laurel's breath catches. "It's even more perfect than I could have ever imagined."
"It'll look pretty close to that. I'm going to add a few personal touches but that's the general idea."
Laurel shows Cleveland the ring and he nods in approval. Then I let the cat out of the bag. I couldn't hold in the good news for any longer. It was a rush actually telling her because it made it all real.
"It's really happening, Laura." I let out a breath. "Belly told me that she wants to get married this weekend. We had a really good talk last night. This is real. This is really happening." I start to tear up. "Me and Belly."
Laurel sounds the happiest I'd heard in years.
"I never doubted it for a second." She says matter of a fact. "Congrats, Connie! I knew she would come around. I know my daughter and I know you. You two are meant to be."
"I didn't even have to convince her was the thing." I shake my head, unable to wrap my head around it all. "She just laid it all out there. It was the best night of my life, Laura. I love her so much. Have I ever told you that? How much I love your daughter?"
"Once or twice." Laurel jokes. "But I'm not surprised, Connie. You've always known what makes her happy. You two deserve to get your happy ending." She starts to tear up again. "I only wish Beck could see this right now."
"Thanks, Laura. That means a lot." Then I look up at the stars, twinkling in the sky. I knew my mom was here. I couldn't see her but I could feel her.
"Keep me updated, okay?" Laurel sounds excited and she wasn't one to typically get excited about this sort of thing. "Tell me everything and I mean everything, kid."
"Will do." I laugh. "You'll be the first one I call with updates, I promise."
Laurel smiles. "You two are still coming up this way for Thanksgiving right? You can stay here if you'd like."
"Yeah, we'll be there." I smile. "Plan on it."
"Great! Cleveland and I will give you your birthday present then."
"Laurel." I shake my head. "You already gave me the greatest gift of all which was the blessing to marry your daughter. Trust me, I don't need any more gifts. I've been spoiled by you Conklins."
"Nice try but you're not getting out of this one." Laurel laughs. "You'll understand it when we give it to you. I think you'll like it."
I just laugh at her, shaking my head. "Whatever you say."
Then she adds. "I really am so happy to hear this news, Connie. It was always going to be you two. Beck and I never doubted it for a second." She smiles to herself. "Get home safe, okay? We'll see you in a few weeks."
"See you in a few weeks."
"Sure love you kid."
"Love you too."
Laurel hesitates before she hangs up. "And let us know if you need anything. We're here to help. Happy to help."
"Yeah, put us to work!" Cleveland chimes in. "Let's make this the most epic proposal yet!"
"What he said." Laurel laughs. "Night, Connie."
"Night, Laura." I laugh before we hang up.
Then I drive into the darkness with an excitement that has been sparked inside of my heart.
The next few months were going to be a wild ride but I was ready for it. I was ready for all of it. Then I realize there is one more person I want to call. Someone who also deserved to hear from me. Someone who also shared the last name Conklin.
Steven.
It was time to tell him about my plans which also meant it was time to tell Taylor. They were a package deal. I knew he wouldn't be able to keep this from her but I didn't mind. I would need both of their help to pull this one off.
"What's up, best man?" Steven greets me. "How was your birthday?"
"Hey Steve." I pull up to a redlight. "It was pretty great. No complaints here."
"Happy to hear it." Steven nods. "I'm sorry we couldn't make it down. We wanted to. It's just been busy over here with work and wedding planning and what not. We were there in spirit though!"
"Oh, it's all good." I smirk. "I have a way you can make it up to me actually."
Steven just laughs. "Alright. Hit me."
"I have a new plan I want to run by you."
"A new plan?" Steven asks, confused.
"Yeah." I was having fun with this. "A new plan Belly."
It was an inside joke between us. Steven had come up with the term 'Plan Belly' himself years ago. He starts to laugh as he catches on.
"Alright, Fisher." Steven grins, leaning forward on the phone. "I'm listening."
I can't hide the excitement in my voice any longer.
"What if I told you Taylor isn't the only one who will have a ring on her finger next year?"
"What?" Him and Taylor shout at the exact same time.
"You heard me." I smirk.
Then Taylor practically pries the phone out of his hands like I knew she would. She was always around listneing. Steven just laughs at her.
"No fucking way!" Taylor gasps into the phone. "TELL ME EVERYTHING, CONRAD FISHER!"
And I just smile as I look down at the book on the passenger seat next to me. The book that Belly had made for my birthday full of our pictures and memories. Our story. I couldn't wait to fill in the rest of the pages with the rest of our story. Pictures from the proposal. From our wedding day. All of it. I could see it all as clear as day. I look back up and the stoplight turns green.
"Well, I have a few ideas." I press on the gas. It was go time. "But I could really use your help."
I fall asleep later that night with my phone in my hand, waiting for his call.
The next morning I wake up to the sweetest voicemail from him. It makes me cry the first time I listen to it. It was one of my favorite voicemails Conrad Fisher had ever left me. I save it on my phone so I can listen to it when I'm missing him. So I can listen to it on repeat forever.
Conrad's Voicemail:
Hi, baby. I guess you fell asleep before I could hear your beautiful voice one last time. I can't really give you a hard time for falling asleep since we had a lot of late nights together this weekend. A lot of late nights.
Conrad laughs, reminiscing on the weekend.
I just wanted to let you know I made it back to the city safe. I'm a few blocks away from my apartment. I'm already missing Cousins though.
Conrad pauses.
Belly, thank you again for this weekend. You make me so happy. So so incredibly happy. That was the best birthday I've had in years. Honestly. Ever since my mom died, birthdays and holidays have never quite felt the same but with you they feel just like they used to. Maybe even better and I have you to thank for that. Seriously. Thank you for everything.
Conrad shakes his head as he lets out a breath.
God, I already miss you. I always think this will get easier but it never does. I always miss you the second I leave that damn house.
Belly. You really are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much this weekend meant to me. I can't wait for the day where I will be driving home to you rather than away from you. I can't wait for all of it but I will wait. I will wait as long as it takes for you. Just a few more months. We got this. Just a few more months.
Conrad smiles to himself as he drives.
Goodnight, Belly. Sweet dreams. Or should I say future fiance?
He laughs almost shyly.
Alright, alright. I'll really let you go now. Sweet dreams. I love you. I love you so so much, you beautiful amazing perfect girl. Never forget it, ok? Never forget how much I love you. How much I've always loved you. That promise ring is just a tinky speck of what I'm going to give you. Just so we're clear. Okay. Call me tomorrow.
Goodnight, beautiful.