"Dad?" Ollie asked as he walked out to the pier and sat down next to Tommy. Tommy sat with his head in his hands, having surrendered to the hurt and pain as soon as he made it out here. There was one person in the world that could hurt him like this and normally she didn't. But normal was lost right now and it had been so long since this had happened that he was truly struggling with it. "Dad, you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I will be," Tommy croaked as he looked up at Ollie and saw him holding out a glass of water. He silently took it and gulped it down. He wanted something stronger, but he needed to keep his head on straight. With everything that was going on, they could not afford for him to also go on a bender. "I'm sorry you had to see that. Look, I'll be in, in another five minutes."
"You dated Kat?" Ollie asked and Tommy just nodded. The look of disgust on Ollie's face spoke volumes to how sure he was that their kids had never thought of them with anyone else. "That feels so wrong."
"I came to the same conclusion a long time ago. I'm going to have to take a weekend away. I'll get someone to come help Kim out, but I…" Tommy trailed off as Ollie just nodded and he let out a sigh. He wasn't going to ask Ollie to take care of his siblings while he took some time to figure out how he wanted to handle things now. What he had been doing obviously wasn't working, but he didn't want to make things worse than they were. "I will come back Ollie, I'm not running away from our family because this is hard, but I do need to regroup."
"Thanks for saying that," Ollie said as he gave him a hug and Tommy clung to him. He wanted his son to not worry about their stability, but he was struggling to hold it together. "Mom's not doing good either."
"Yeah, I figured as much," Tommy muttered as he stood up and nodded for Ollie to head back towards the house and he fell in step next to him. "I just needed to calm down."
"I know, you taught all of us to take space when we need it. Mom just doesn't remember it," Ollie said and Tommy let out a sigh. He hated that Ollie felt like he needed to be in the middle of this, but for some reason Kim talked with him much more easily. "Landon and Sean are working on their homework; Opal just passed out on the couch."
"Thank you, Ollie. Thank you," Tommy said as he looked towards his bedroom door and Ollie gently shoved him towards it.
"Don't come out until the two of you are at least talking to each other again. Really talking to each other," Ollie emphasized and Tommy shook his head. That had taken months to build before and he wasn't sure how a showdown in their living room would move things along.
"Knock knock," Tommy said as he peeked into their bedroom and Kim looked up from hastily packing a suitcase. He could see her confusion that he had actually come back like he promised and he let out a sigh as he sank down in front of the door, blocking her way out. He was going to force her to face this and he hoped it was the right thing to do. "Running away isn't going to fix things."
"That's exactly what you did!" Kim yelled and he let out a sigh. He could see how it looked like running away to her, but he had desperately needed the space. "I said I was sorry and you walked out."
"I walked out because a long time ago we agreed that it was better to take a half hour to calm down than it was to barrel into a fight because one of us was hurt. I can't walk you through all the things that we've figured out…things that have changed as we've grown if you won't let me in. And you aren't willing to let me in- so we're at an impasse until that changes," Tommy explained, calmly, as she played with the hem of his sweatshirt. It was not lost on him that she must have come in here and went straight for his clothes. As much as she wanted to run, she wanted him too. He just needed her to show him something, anything, that he could grasp on to. "Did you not want me to give you space?"
"No. Yes. Oh, I don't know," Kim muttered as she sat down on the bed and he kept his gaze down, but was just able to see her out of the corner of his eyes. He knew her sighs and what they meant by heart and she was frustrated, but she was hurt too.
"What were you feeling?" Tommy asked as he looked up and he caught the complete and utter surprise on her face. She was used to a version of him that didn't delve into her feelings, but it had long become the first question he asked when they had fights. "I can guess, but it's better if you tell me."
"Hurt, jealousy, anger," Kim said as she swung her feet but avoided his gaze. He watched her sink in on herself and he gripped the door to keep from going to her. He had learned that if he comforted her when she was like this, he never said how he felt and that had nearly pulled them apart more than once.
"So you decided to attack before you lost your nerve to confront me?" Tommy asked and she just nodded her head. "I get it and I walked out because I was hurt too. And as many promises that you don't remember, I do remember all of them, and I'm trying my best to keep them. Because one day, you will remember again and you'll remember all of this too. I will not go back to who I was because you are back to who you were."
"Why were you hurt?" Kim asked as his mouth dropped open and he stared at her. She couldn't figure out why this would hurt so badly? "I should know, but I…I don't know…I don't get why…I…"
"It's a lot of stuff right now, with the biggest one being that you don't trust me. After all the things I've tried to do to show you that you can still trust me, you don't. You trust Jason more than you trust me right now. And I haven't been jealous of Jason in years and I wanted to be him this morning. I wanted you to look at me and…and really see me, see me the way that you did two weeks ago before this last fucking surgery. I've had a partner for the last ten years and going back to where you don't trust me is really hard," Tommy said as he watched her and he could see the wheels spinning in her mind. He knew he needed to deal directly with the Katherine accusation, but he wanted to avoid it. "And bringing up me cheating…I…what made you think that?"
"You hugged her and you walked her to her car and…" Kim trailed off as he grabbed the bag of costumes and tossed them towards the bed. She opened the bag and started pulling out princess dresses, aprons, hats, and other various things. "This was why you leaned in towards her and…"
"Yeah. Look, I can see why you'd be looking for it. I can understand you even being suspicious when you saw us together, but if you just blow up every time you get confused about something now- this is going to be really hard on the kids and me until you get your memories back. I need you to understand what the rest of my night is going to be like. I now get to go make sure our kids understand that Mommy and Daddy are okay. That it was a misunderstanding and that Mommy was feeling big feelings and had a hard time handling it. I get to answer questions about how Daddy did used to date Aunt Kat before she married Uncle Billy and that the time Mommy remembers is when I was dating her and that's just with Sean and Opal. Landon will probably ask what cheating is and I get to explain that. Ollie 100% knows what I meant when I said that I cheated on Katherine with you, so I get to explain to him how even though I knew it was wrong- I made a decision that that relationship was not nearly as important to me as one more chance with you. I have had talks like this every night since you've been home- from explaining why Mommy doesn't remember a favorite color to dealing with the harder questions of if you'll ever remember everything again. I am tired, Kim and I'm trying my best to reconnect with you where you are, but I don't know if you want that right now. And it's okay if you don't, but I need you to tell me, because I can't keep guessing. I can't keep pouring in to everyone in our family right now without taking care of myself. I've got to take care of myself now too."
He studied his hands as he finished. He knew that this may have been too much to put out in the open, but he couldn't hold it back. If there was even a chance that they might find a way to be right now, he had to stop taking everything on himself. He had seen the times when Kim had done this and she had sat him down like this more than once at the beginning to explain that they both had to be all in. He had learned how to have this talk from her and it had been so long since either of them had felt the need to have a talk like this that he hoped he had done this right. He hoped that she could hear what he was saying and not just throw it back at him. He felt her slide down next to him and her head gently settled on his shoulder.
"The Tommy I remember would have never…I don't remember you ever sitting down with me to talk about our problems like this. And I don't know what I want. In my head- none of this exists. I just quit the Pan Global team to have a baby and I'm hiding that that baby exists from you. It's like I've been dropped into a fast-forwarded dream where I have the life that I always wanted, but I have none of the skills to live it with you. So I'm hiding, because it's easier than trying to relearn all the things that I have, apparently, learned in the past 18 years. It's easier than seeing the disappointment on your face when I duck under your arm instead of giving you a hug or whatever it is I would normally do. It's easier than seeing the sadness in our kids' eyes when I don't know something, again. Even though I know they've told me a dozen times and it's just not sticking. I don't know how to rebuild all of it at once, so I guess I'm just hoping that the memories will magically appear and I'll just go back to being me. The me that has obviously grown a lot and learned a lot and loved a lot and…" Kim trailed off as he put an arm around her and then pulled her into his chest. For the first time in weeks, he felt her release and relax into him. She had needed to get this off her chest as much as, if not more than, him.
"So- let's work on it one thing at a time," Tommy whispered and she pulled back enough to be able to look at him. He reached up a hand and stopped, but this time she grabbed it and placed it on her cheek and he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "What do you want to work on first?"
"Us. I…I've known for awhile that it was all too much and…I need us to be good," Kim whispered as he rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes as the relief flooded him. "And you need that too."
"Yeah. I do, but I also need some time to decompress from everything. Can you give me the weekend?" Tommy asked, not opening his eyes. He didn't want to see her reaction, he just wanted her to give him this and he knew it might be too much. He knew that she might see it as something else, but he desperately needed a weekend where he could sleep and not be on duty. He was surprised when her lips met his and he gently kissed her back, not wanting to scare her away with the emotions he wanted to put into this kiss. He felt her exploring and he moved his hands to her back, pulling her into his lap where she would have easier access to him. He knew her so well and she had no idea what he was like now. He had to give her time to discover him again.
"Mom! Dad! Opal's not sharing!" Sean said as he beat on the door and Tommy let out a groan as he broke the kiss. Kim glared at the door handle as an amused smile spread across his face.
"I'll be out in a minute, Sean," Tommy responded and her eyes snapped to him. He purposefully kissed her again as he lifted her out of his lap. He heard her whine as he moved her away and shook his head. "He's just going to keep at it until I go play referee. I can come back later."
"I'll be out in a bit," Kim said as he rose to his feet and he then pulled her to her feet. He heard a scream and then the sounds of sobs, sure that Sean had now taken whatever Opal was not sharing. "And Tommy- take the weekend. You've had a lot on you and I'm going to try to remember that from now on too."