Wide awake in the city that never sleeps. How fitting. But looking out of this hotel room's window, it felt as if New York was worlds away. Manhattan was always busy, crowded with people coming and going while you were drowning in deafeningly loud noises of every day life. At night it was calmer but never silent, as New York was swallowed up by an endless sea of blindingly bright lights that turned the night into day again, as if proving where the city got its nickname from.

But here at this hotel it was quite the opposite, like another world entirely. Here there were no skyscrapers and no bright lights. The pitch black darkness mixing in with the ghostly silence made it closely resemble Cape Cod. Without the damn wind. Only interrupted by the occasional airplane at night.

Max and Ibe had chosen a hotel near the airport for them, not only because it was close to the airport and therefore extra convenient, but also because Ash and Eiji had to lay low and couldn't risk running into anyone while waiting for their flight a few days later. And the hotel was a safe distance away from Manhattan, Harlem, Chinatown or any other area downtown where people would recognize them. Especially Ash who was kind of an urban legend around here. And thanks to Max's article, Ash's picture had been plastered all over the news for a while. Again. That didn't make it any easier. So they both had to be extra careful that no one recognized them now. All the hard work and endless efforts of Max and Sing to help Ash get out of the country would go up in smoke in the fraction of a second...

That had apparently also been the reason why Max had drilled it into Ash's stubborn head not to do anything stupid to ruin all his hard work and keep a low profile. Obviously, Max had just been worried, knowing his impulsive behavior at times. His "dad" also knew about his reckless and sometimes self-destructive behavior from spending so much time with him over the last few years.

But Ash would never blow his cover after everything Max had done for him. Especially not after Eiji had told him how many favors Max had needed to cash in and strings to pull to arrange his stay at the private hospital, the official death certificate and a new identity for him including flawless documents. Although Sing had helped a great deal with the last one. Max and Sing had really not wasted any time to help him. Ash owed them his life. If not for the old man's lightning fast reaction to Eiji's call he'd be dead by now for sure. He'd never forget how much he had done for him. Not that he'd ever tell him that. But if he was completely honest, it had still meant a lot to him. His "dad"could be a real pain in the ass sometimes. But he was one of the few people he could count on besides Eiji.

Ash was lying in bed, his green eyes staring absent-mindedly at the ceiling above him, endless bits and pieces of his last talk with Eiji dancing in front of his eyes, like an infinite loop, repeating certain details over and over again. His mind never got tired of questioning, doubting and reflecting parts of that conversation, torturing him endlessly, so that sleep was out of the question.

Ash wished he could find sleep as easily as Eiji who was always sleeping peacefully before his head had even touched the pillow. It was already midnight and he hadn't really slept well in days, not since the day of their departure was approaching. But his damn mind had no intention to shut down anytime soon. With that pitch black darkness overwhelming him and that deafening silence echoing eternally in his ears there was no fucking way he could distract himself. He had too many conflicting thoughts swirling around in his mind – hope, relief, gratitude, worry, guilt, fear, restlessness. He also had mixed feelings about going to Japan. Yeah, he wanted to go, but at the same time his inner voice kept telling him that a new and happier life will never work out. Not for someone like him...

And yet, Ash began to realize slowly that Eiji really meant what he had told him. That he was really serious about taking him to Japan. Of course, Ash had heard what Eiji had told him, but none of the people he had trusted had ever stayed. Not for long. They had all left him eventually. Apparently he hadn't been worth the trouble. So it was hard for him to believe that someone else would really stay. But he really wished that Eiji would stay and prove him wrong. He was more at ease when Eiji was around. His presence just radiated warmth and made him feel safe. Protected. For the first time in his pathetic life. And there was no need to explain all his doubts, fears and worries to Eiji. Because he somehow just knew. He could see the understanding and compassion reflected in his eyes sometimes. Eiji knew him so damn well that he always noticed the tiniest details about him. The tiniest changes in his behavior. So Ash didn't have to tell him how on edge he felt at times and that he still worried about endangering Eiji's life when going to Japan with him. That he was afraid that Eiji would leave him as well eventually. Eiji just knew all his fears and worries, as if one look at his face held all the answers. He had some kind of x-ray vision that could look through his supposedly impenetrable inner walls and right into his raw emotions. Even if he tried to hide them. Damn him! That scared the hell out of him sometimes. But he had to admit to himself that it simplified things for him. A lot. Because he was fucking bad at dealing with emotions. He had only learnt how to suppress them, not to allow them, to show them, let alone explain them...

Ash still couldn't believe that Eiji had really come back for him, saving his life in the end. Despite being injured himself. He had only realized how much he had hurt Eiji with his final decision to bleed out when Eiji had completely broken down in front of him, an ocean of tears running down his face. He will never forget the unbearable amount of hurt reflected in his brown eyes.

Have you ever thought about me when doing that?

To be completely honest, he hadn't thought about Eiji at all. At least not in that way. He had only been relieved that Eiji would be finally safe back in Japan. Nothing else had really mattered to him back then. The possibility that Eiji would be completely devastated by his death had never even occurred to him. That realization was much more agonizing than any stab wound could ever be.

He had never foreseen the unlikely possibility of Eiji coming back for him. Saving him. And especially finding him like that...

I'm the the worst.

But even after all the pain Eiji had endured because of his reckless final decision, the simple fact remained that Eiji was still here. And he stubbornly refused to leave. Telling him over and over that he wouldn't leave him alone again. Wherever you are, I will follow. So simple, right?

Unfortunately his mind wasn't convinced so easily. He had already suffered through too much shit to accept so easily that people genuinely just wanted to help him. Without demanding anything from him in return. Just because they cared. That whole concept was new to him. But he slowly began to understand that Eiji just wanted him to have the peaceful normal life he had always longed for. Just because Eiji thought he deserved a better life. A second chance. As puzzling as that still was for him, Eiji wanted to stay by his side. Forever.

Starting a new life still sounded like a dream to Ash. A fresh start. A clean slate. Never in his life had he thought it would ever come true. He had never even thought he would have a future, realizing his way of life would surely lead to an early and probably violent death. But Ash slowly began to realize that this really was his once-in-a-lifetime chance. One that he shouldn't waste. And that he was really damn lucky to be alive at all. Thanks to three people who really cared about him and had saved his pathetic life. Again.

And yet he still worried what could happen to prevent that his wish came true at the last second, he couldn't really help thinking like that. Because finding a happy ending for himself on top of finding someone amazing like Eiji who really wanted to stay by his side was just too good to be true for his superior mind. Wishful thinking. Too easy.

But Eiji wasn't like that. He didn't have ulterior motives. Eiji was just a genuinely good and selfless person. Who just cared. And worried. A lot. He would never ask for any disgusting and twisted favor in return. No one had done so much for him. Ever. He still didn't understand entirely why Eiji did all of that, but he knew that a life without him would be empty and meaningless. Eiji was the only one who made his pathetic life worth living. Eiji didn't see the monster in him, but the broken human being who was still hurting and suffering greatly. With Eiji he could be a normal teenager. Eiji taught him to feel again. Trust again. Live again. Not just survive from one day to the next, but actually live for the first time in his life. And maybe even think about a possible future.

Eiji had told him that it wasn't selfish to wish for a better life. Maybe it was really ok to wish for that? And if Eiji wanted that for him as well ... Maybe it was really alright to grasp his dream of a peaceful life together with Eiji, the only one who made him a better person? Because for the first time in his life he desperately wished for something. He wanted to stay with Eiji no matter what. And Eiji wanted that, too. Eiji had told him that he wanted to spend his life only with him by his side. That his life would also be empty without him. So it was ok, right? Or was that asking too much? After all the heinous crimes he had committed...?

He had been wondering over and over if it was even possible to outrun his dark past. If Eiji was really safe with him by his side. If he was honest that had always been his greatest fear. That Eiji got hurt again because of him. That his mere presence in Japan put him in danger again. That his enemies would find him eventually. That he dragged Eiji down with him. He couldn't do that to him. Not again. He was so afraid of that, it sent shivers down his spine just thinking about the unlikely scenario.

Several times already he had been this close to telling Eiji that he would stay here in New York. That he couldn't fly to Japan with him. That he'd only endanger Eiji's life again. That violence will surely follow him everywhere.

But he just couldn't do that to Eiji. Not after seeing how happy Eiji had been when he had finally agreed to go with him. His eyes had practically been glowing golden with pure happiness, beaming at him in that pure, innocent way Eiji had. Seeing that, Ash knew he would never be able to leave him. He was just defenseless against Eiji's sincere smile and his warm chocolate brown eyes. At the same time he had also remembered that if he stayed here, Eiji would, too.

Eiji had made that perfectly clear.

I'm not leaving you alone again. If you stay here, I'll stay, too.

Seeing the unbreakable determination in Eiji's brown eyes at that moment, Ash knew he had made up his mind a long time ago and nothing he'd do could ever change that. It was a lost battle. Eiji could be stubborn as hell, especially when it came to him.

So what the hell am I supposed to do now?

He just shifted from one side of the bed to the other but he just couldn't find any sleep. His superior mind wouldn't allow it. Sometimes he wished there was a switch off button for his damn mind. But it was a hopeless struggle. He knew he should sleep. His eyes were burning from lack of sleep and were probably tinged with red. Their flight was tomorrow. But like the night before he just couldn't relax. No matter what he tried. There were too many conflicting thoughts spinning around in his mind making it impossible for him to calm down. He covered his eyes with one hand, admitting defeat. Fuck.

He finally sat up, lowering his head in his hands, giving up on sleep entirely. He thought about distracting himself by reading one of his books. Anything to keep his mind busy. Or he'd go insane with all these confusing thoughts torturing his mind endlessly. But he would need to switch on the light to read. And then he'd wake Eiji up, so he couldn't do that... He'd only worry about nothing. And overdramatize everything...

Sometimes he wished he could think in such simple terms as Eiji did. Eiji had even been able to sleep when constantly surrounded by danger and violence. Although he hadn't been used to that way of life at all. When Ash had asked him about it, Eiji had simply told him that he had trusted Ash to keep him safe and had known he'd protect him. That was why he had been able to sleep so peacefully. So simple. Eiji's way of thinking and his ability to trust people so easily was just amazing. Of course, Ash would have been dead long ago with such a trusting personality. But right now his way of thinking would really come in handy. It would help him stop worrying so much and it would help him relax. And sleep. Maybe he should...

Suddenly sensing someone coming closer, he instantly awoke from his stupor. He reacted lightning-fast and instinctively twisted the arm and forcefully pinned the person down before he knew what he was doing.

"Ash, stop! That hurts!" Eiji called out desperately. "It's me, Eiji, ok?"

"Eiji? What the hell?", Ash exclaimed, freeing him instantly. Fuck, he had never even heard him coming over until he stood right in front of him...

"You should know better than to sneak up on me like that.", he complained in an annoyed tone. His lack of sleep didn't really help his bad mood.

"I didn't. I called your name like three times already. You apparently didn't hear me.", he defended himself, rubbing his arm. "You didn't even notice me switching on the light at my bedside table."

"Oh... Sorry, Eiji. I must have been totally lost in thought...", Ash replied silently. "I always end up hurting you ... ", he sighed guiltily, his voice flooded with regret, looking down at his hands. A killer's hands. Who had just harmed the only person...

"No, it's ok. Don't worry, Ash. I was just surprised. That's all.", Eiji replied, pulling him out of his guilt-trip in a soft voice. "I couldn't see your face in the semi-darkness so I assumed you'd heard me.", he reassured Ash, talking a bit too fast. Seeing him like that, Ash couldn't help but smile slightly.

"Why did you come over anyway? In the middle of the night?", he changed the topic.

"I wanted you to stop tormenting yourself.", Eiji explained honestly.

"Excuse me? I didn't even say anything. How - ?" Ash asked in confusion, frowning at him.

"You didn't have to. I could hear your thoughts loud and clear. You were overthinking things again. And you didn't sleep at all. Your eyes were open the whole time and you were shifting from one side to the other from the start. Don't think I didn't notice."

Shit.

"I have never told you that but... I always wait until you are asleep. I only go to sleep after that.", Eiji admitted, his cheeks flushed a bit with embarrassment.

"Why... why would you do such a thing...?", Ash asked dumbfounded. "I've never even noticed that...", he admitted reluctantly.

"I can sleep more soundly if I know you're fine. That you're not having nightmares or are suffering." Ash just stared at him, his green eyes widening in disbelief, at a loss for words. Eiji never failed to impress him. How he deserved such an amazing and selfless person was beyond him.

"So tell me what's bothering you. You seem... restless."

Eiji Okumura, king of understatement.

Ash sighed in frustration. "Eiji, are you still sure you want to take me to Japan? Maybe you'll regret that. Not now, but later on?", Ash asked quietly, expecting Eiji to get mad at him. He had asked that question too many times by now. But at the same time he needed the reassurance, even if Eiji had given him the answer over and over again. Eiji seemed to notice that, too.

"Ash, of course, I'm sure. I wouldn't have asked you otherwise. And I won't regret spending my life with such an amazing and smart person as you are. I would never leave you just because you have some nightmares. Or because you are suffering. I would never do that to you, Ash. You know that, right?", Eiji asked, a concerned frown on his face.

Ash didn't reply. He needed to hear that, but he still couldn't believe Eiji's words, not entirely. There were always doubts lingering behind in his mind.

All other people have left me eventually. So why not Eiji as well? I'm not worth it.

Eiji took Ash's hand and looked into his eyes filling with doubt, questioning his motives again.

"Ash, just tell me one thing. Do you want to come to Japan with me? Is this what you truly want?"

"I...I do, but..."

"Ok, then please stop overthinking things. Nothing bad will happen. You deserve a new life more than anyone else. And you're not alone. I'm here with you. Always. So stop worrying so much and just try to relax."

Ash smiled sadly at him. "I'm just worried. I just don't want to put you in any more danger, Eiji. I want you to finally be safe.", he explained himself, looking down at his hands. He had started shivering, the mere thought of losing Eiji scared him to death. A single tear ran silently down his face.

Seeing that, Eiji slowly moved a bit closer and put a hand around Ash's shoulders. "Everything will be ok. We will both be safe in Japan. I promise. No one will hurt you ever again. Or me." Ash flinched a tiny bit at the touch, but didn't pull back. Instead he stopped shivering and instantly relaxed, warmth spreading throughout his body. He immediately felt safe. Protected. Eiji tightened his grip a bit when he felt Ash relax and Ash's head dropped onto his shoulder, all the tension finally leaving his body.

"I'm sorry, Eiji. I just keep seeing obstacles and enemies at every corner. I just do that automatically. I can't help it. It's basic instinct of survival for me.", Ash tried to explain.

" It's ok, Ash. I don't blame you for doing that. And I know you can't just stop that from one day to the other. That will take time. I only ask you to trust me. To believe me when I say that we'll both be safe and we will deal with any difficulties when they arise, ok? And that I won't leave you, even if we encounter any problems along the way."

We. Eiji always said we. Not I or you. We. Us. As if it would be the most natural thing for them to always be together. Inseparable. It made him smile and look at him again. "Our bond is stronger than that. As long as we're together we will pull through anything, ok?", Eiji promised him, ruffling his hair.

Ash just stared at him in complete shock. After a moment of silence he nodded, but a hint of a doubt was still lingering in his jade green eyes. Of course, Eiji saw that, too.

"Ash, would you abandon me here in New York? Leave me here, alone and unprotected in your cruel world?", Eiji suddenly asked frustrated, taking him totally off guard.

"No, I'd never do that to you.", Ash exclaimed furiously, his green eyes suddenly flaring up with anger, glowing dangerously. "Why would you even ask that? You should know better!" Eiji touched his shoulder gently, answering in a soft voice:

"Calm down. Of course, I know that, Ash. But that's the point. Then how can YOU think I could ever do something like that to you?", he asked sadly, the hurt and disappointment evident in his brown eyes.

"In theory I know you would never do that.", Ash tried to make him understand his train of thought. Then he looked down at his hands, ashamed of himself, for even considering that... "But all the people before you did, you know? They all left me eventually.", he admitted sadly. "Persons I trusted as well. So I sometimes worry you'll leave me, too. One day. If I'm too much trouble.", he admitted, finally looking up at him uncertainly.

"Ash, you aren't trouble. Or a burden. Not to me.", Eiji explained patiently, gripping his shoulder, while his face radiated determination. "You are an incredible and amazing person who had just experienced a lot of horrifying and disgusting things I can't even begin to imagine, ok? So you're worth it. Always.", Eiji replied compassionately.

"But—", Ash began. Eiji interrupted him softly.

"I really want to see the moment when you notice what a wonderful and brilliant person you truly are. Not the bad person you see right now, but the kind and warm-hearted one I see every day."

"That won't be happening...", Ash replied sadly, looking down. "I'll never see myself that way..."

Eiji turned his head upwards again. "No, it will definitely happen. Not now, but eventually. I'll make sure it does." Looking at his radiant and warm smile Ash nearly believed him. "I won't tell you that it will always be easy, especially at the beginning.", Eiji told him honestly. "But we'll figure it out together." Ash nodded, feeling relieved that Eiji had realized as well that it wouldn't be easy at the beginning. That his nightmares and his suffering will probably get worse before they were finally getting better.

"Eiji, what am I going to do in Japan?", Ash asked, suddenly curious. They hadn't even talked about the details yet. He didn't even know where they would live or if Eiji's parents knew about him.

"You mean what are we going to do?", he corrected him gently.

"Uhm...yeah. Where do we live? Are we going to live with your parents? What are we going to do for money? What about your college? Please tell me you have a detailed plan or a strategy of some kind."

Hearing that, Eiji suddenly burst out laughing, tears steaming down his face, as if that had been the most hilarious thing he had ever heard. Ash just stared at him wide-eyed. He could practically feel the faint blush spreading across his cheeks, completely flustered at Eiji's unexpected outburst. He had no fucking idea how to react to that. Seeing his face made Eiji only laugh harder while Ash looked away stubbornly, pouting.

"Ash,", Eiji finally said after wiping his tears away, "I'm not you. So I don't always have a perfect plan for everything and several alternative options." Eiji must have seen Ash's shocked face because he continued in a more serious tone. "But don't worry. I rented a small apartment for us. Ibe helped me with that. It's close to my parents' home. And to college. It's small and only partly furnished so we have to buy some furniture and other things but that's it. We can move right in. But for now I just want to wake up to your jade green eyes and golden hair each morning. Listen to your heartbeat. Know you're still alive. And safe. We figure everything else out when we are in Japan. Maybe I can continue my studies and finish college. And you can start by learning Japanese.", he said smiling, ruffling his blonde hair before putting an arm around his shoulders again.

What the hell am I supposed to reply to that?

How could Eiji say such embarrassing and cheesy things with a straight face like that? That wasn't fair. But he had to say something. Anything. But how was he supposed to do that when his mind just went blank? Fuck. But not answering was out of the question because Eiji's eyes were still filled with concern.

"I ... thank you? For everything. For being here with me.", he answered slowly, a trace of hesitation in his voice. "I'm feeling better now. I think I'm trying to sleep now." Apparently it was enough, since Eiji smiled at him, relief flooding his eyes.

"Good. You look much more relaxed now. Then let's lie down again and sleep, ok? Or you'll be exhausted before our flight even begins." Ash just nodded, lying down with him, a slight smile running away from his face.

Eiji pulled the blanket over them both and put his arms around him.

That was the last thing Ash noticed before drifting to a sound sleep in Eiji's arms.