"Ouch. What was that for?", Ash asked, annoyed as always at being interrupted while reading.
Eiji was looking through some photos while Ash was lying with his head on Eiji's lap, reading a book. Until Eiji had pinched his cheek.
When Ash was reading, he was in a completely different world and didn't notice anything around him anymore. Ash knew it was a good sign. It meant he felt safe enough to let his mind wander in other worlds and put his guard down. Eiji once told him that he loved how his features got that dreamy, unfocused look when he did that. But sometimes, Eiji had a hard time pulling him back to reality.
"Your phone is ringing, my little daydreamer. For the third time. I can't believe you haven't noticed. Answer it, ok?", he said with an amused look on his face.
"Oh, sorry." Ash grabbed his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and sat up.
"Hey, dad.", Ash greeted him cheerfully, stressing the last word more than necessary.
"Who the hell are you, and what did you do to my brooding and gloomy son?"
"Really funny, old man. "If you have to know, our semester is over, and we have some free time now. So I can finally sleep in.", Ash told him, a spark of happiness in his eyes. He shared a glance with Eiji, who rolled his eyes at him. He laid his phone on the table in front of him and put it on speaker mode.
"What Ash wanted to say was that you come visit us at a perfect time because classes are over for the both of us.", Eiji translated Ash's blunt explanation. "So, we have more free time and can show you around."
"I look forward to that."
"And Ash passed his exams. He was the best in his class, of course.", Eiji added happily. "Even in his oral exam. Thanks to a certain someone.", he said proudly, a smug look on his face.
"Yeah, your sister.", Ash smirked at him. Eiji smacked him lightly on the back of his head.
"Ouch.", Ash grimaced, and Eiji grinned at him in satisfaction.
"My sister lend him some books that were a huge help to my book worm. As long as there's a book about the topic, Ash can learn anything,", he said, grinning at him. Ash gave him a dirty look but didn't deny it.
"Still, I spoke only Japanese with him for three weeks, so that he'd also pass his oral exam. His writing and grammar were excellent, but his pronunciation was a disaster."
Ash glared at him. "Says the one whose little sister can speak English better than him.", Ash reminded him bluntly. Eiji shook his head and sighed a bit too dramatically.
"As you can see, living with a genius isn't always easy. Especially if he's also a smartass. Please teach your son some manners if you're here.", Eiji pleaded with Max.
"I think my stubborn son is unteachable. But I'll try my best."
"Anyway, when are you coming? You are still coming, right?", Ash asked, a trace of uncertainty resonating in his voice. Max had intended to come much earlier, but he had to finish a project he had worked on with Ibe first, which took longer than they had initially anticipated. So the thought had occurred to Ash that maybe he didn't really want to come. He wasn't his real dad, after all. He'd never understood why he cared so much. Max had obviously heard the uncertainty in his voice as well because he responded in a firm voice.
"Yes, of course, I'm coming, Ash. I'll arrive this Friday. I'm looking forward to seeing you again, Ash. You, too, Eiji."
"Then can you come visit us on Saturday for lunch?", Eiji asked him cheerfully.
"That sounds great, Eiji."
"Will Ibe visit us together with you?", Eiji asked curiously. "Of course, he'll also come. He wanted to call you in the next few days, Eiji. He's looking forward to seeing you. I'll stay with him while I'm here."
After Max had hung up, they both went to bed. But, unlike his habit, Ash didn't continue reading a book. Normally, Eiji fell asleep first, while Ash kept reading for a few hours. But today, Ash didn't do so and was just lying next to him, awfully quiet and just staring into space. The bedside lamp was still on, so Eiji could see his face. Ash was the one to switch it off if he had finished reading.
"You're awfully quiet all of a sudden. What's wrong?"
"Why do you think anything's wrong?", Ash asked, turning his face towards Eiji.
"You have that look. The look you always get when you're overthinking things." Eiji explained while he looked directly into his eyes. "Is this about Max? I thought you're happy he's coming."
"I am. Really. It's great that I'll see him again.", Ash admitted honestly.
"But?"
"I don't know… Maybe it's just stupid…" Ash put his head on Eiji's chest so he wouldn't see his face, afraid of the disappointed look on Eiji's face.
"What if he doesn't like what he sees? How I've changed?"
"You mean that you've changed into a normal teenager who tries hard to learn Japanese while having a part-time job?", Eiji asked with a hint of amusement while stroking his blonde hair.
Ash lifted his head again, thinking he was teasing him. "I'm serious, Eiji."
Eiji just looked at him, his eyes showing pure honesty. "So am I. You've improved so much, Ash, ok? You don't flinch at every shadow anymore; you're so relaxed that you can forget your surroundings while reading, and your nightmares appear less often. You smile much more, and you're more cheerful. You're also more open and honest towards me and try to talk to me instead of suffering all alone.", Eiji honestly summed up the last six months.
"You really think so?" Ash looked at Eiji while turning to the side, so he was able to see his face.
"I know so. Max will see those changes in you as well. He'll be proud of you. All Max wants is that you're happy. He wants to see his son smile and recover. He wants to see you leading a normal life where you're safe and enjoy the peaceful and quiet life you've always wished for."
"I hope you're right."
"Of course, I'm right. Max travels across the world just to see you. That alone should clear up any remaining doubts you may have. I just wish you would be more honest with each other. You should take the chance and talk to him. Really talk to him. About everything you wanted to say to him or ask him.
Max will listen to you. He's the dad you deserve."
"I just wonder why he does all that for me. I'm not even related to him."
"Having a baby doesn't automatically turn you into a good father. You should know that better than anyone. A father is someone who is always there for you. Who is present in your life, protects you and worries about you. Who gets angry at you, fights with you, and comforts you if you need it. Who does anything for you because he loves you. A dad or a father figure doesn't necessarily have to be related to you; he just has to care for you. And Max loves you the same he does Michael. Like his own son. Such love is rare, you know? You should appreciate it more. And I can see that you love him as well. And if you're honest, you know that, too. And seeing how stubborn and impulsive you both are, everyone would instantly think you are related.", Eiji smirked at Ash.
"I'm nothing like that old man.", Ash said instantly. He crossed his arms and turned away from him in defiance.
An exasperated sigh escaped Eiji's mouth before leaning closer and putting his arms around him.
"Not true, you both couldn't be more alike. Like father and son.", Eiji argued. "It's a good thing. It's why you get along so well. Max will be proud of you, you'll see."
"You're probably right. As always.", he reluctantly admitted, half-smiling before turning around to him again.
Eiji let go of him for a moment and kissed him on his forehead. Ash loved it when Eiji did that. It made him feel protected and safe. It felt like home. Ash smiled and put his head on Eiji's chest again before putting his arms around him. He always slept better if he could feel Eiji's presence at night. The last thing he noticed was how Eiji pulled the blanket over them both, then put an arm around him as well before he was soundly asleep.
~~~
"So, what do you want me to cook?"
They were both having breakfast in the living room. Max would arrive the following Friday, and Eiji wanted to cook something for lunch the following day. Ash looked up from his book and looked at Eiji.
"What do you mean? We can just go to a restaurant or café with Max and Ibe. You don't have to put in that much effort."
Eiji's eyes burned brightly as his stubborn expression returned. He snatched the book out of his hand before Ash could stop him.
"Don't be ridiculous, Ash!", he exclaimed in an exasperated voice while his brown eyes were flashing dangerously. "After they've done so much for us, we should at least cook something for them to thank them genuinely. Everything else would be completely rude! And you owe Max your life. Don't you ever forget that!", Eiji exclaimed angrily, shoving his chopsticks into his face before putting them down and pouring himself some more coffee.
Then he pointed at him. "And you'll be the one who will do the cooking. Max saved your life, so you will cook something for him to thank him. Since you're too stubborn to thank him with words honestly."
Ash sighed dramatically. "I knew you would say that. If you're like that, you're scary; you know that?"
Eiji grinned at him. "The infamous gang leader and public enemy no.1, Ash Lynx, is scared of me? That's hilarious."
"I bet you could incapacitate someone with those chopsticks. Sometimes you're holding them like a weapon. Like two little swords about to strike. And has your mother never taught you that it's rude to point at people? Even I know that much."
Eiji glared at him. "She did teach me that.", he admitted. "But then I met a rude, blonde gang leader. Sometimes I have to use drastic measures on him to get my point across." Ash gave him an amused glance.
"But, Eiji, I can't cook. At least not as good as you do. I only know some basic dishes. Do you have an idea what I could make without setting the kitchen on fire?"
"No, I don't. That's why I asked my little genius here. Ibe is easy since he's Japanese. He knows all the Japanese food. But Max is American. He probably reacts the same as you did. Meaning he would say Japanese food stinks." Ash could picture that in his mind and grinned. He was like him. More the meat and fast food kind of guy.
"What about those pan-fried dumplings we made together the other day? What were they called again? Gyoza? As an appetizer, I mean. "We can prepare those."
"You love dumplings, huh?", Eiji asked, smiling.
"Only if we make them together. That was fun.", Ash smiled at him while remembering that.
"Yes, it really was. Although there was more food on your shirt than in the gyoza.", he teased him.
"But I really loved cooking together with you. It was so much more fun. Everything is much more fun together with you.", he added, winking at him. Ash's cheeks flushed in embarrassment at that remark, and he stubbornly looked away.
Eiji had slowly talked Ash into cooking with him. When Ash was hesitant, Eiji had explained his reasoning to him.
"It will be a great way for you to learn that a knife can be used in other ways. That a knife can also create delicious food and beautiful things."
When Ash was still skeptical, Eiji told him to close his eyes. When Ash just stared at him with a blank face, Eiji pouted at him. "You think I'd hurt you? I thought you trusted me?", he said, crossing his arms and feigning annoyance.
"I do. Fine, whatever." Ash closed his eyes. Eiji cut something on a cutting board while humming to himself.
"Eiji?"
"Wait for a bit. I'm nearly done."
"Here you go.", he said, holding out a plate with cut apples out to him. He looked at them for a moment in confusion before his eyes lit up, and he moved closer. "Are those rabbits?", he asked quietly, picking one up and inspecting them from all sides.
"Yes, they're apple bunnies. Aren't they cute?", Eiji beamed at him in this innocent way he had. His eyes were shining a golden brown while he had that radiant and happy smile that Ash so loved. He was about to say some witty remark, as usual. It was already on the tip of his tongue. But when he saw Eiji's happiness and his overjoyed smile, he just couldn't do it.
He realized with a start that Eiji wanted to demonstrate to him that a knife can also create cute and beautiful things. That a knife wasn't necessarily evil in itself. It depended on how you used it.
And who was using it.
"Ok, I admit, that's cute. And teaching me something this way is so like you.", Ash said, smiling. "You mean to say that there are always two sides to every coin? Eiji stood there for a moment before understanding flashed in his eyes.
"Yes, exactly. A knife can kill, but it can also be used to create art or beautiful and delicious dishes. Like a gun can kill people but also protect people at the same time. Like you've always protected me."
"You're probably right.", Ash admitted slowly. "Thanks, Eiji."
"Can you – no, never mind – That's just stupid.", Ash cut himself off. He could never do it… create something beautiful with a knife. There was too much blood on his hands… Sometimes if he looked at his hands, he could still see the blood dripping off of them…
"No, say what you wanted to say.", Eiji insisted, looking into his eyes. "Ask me. It's not stupid.", he assured him. He smiled encouragingly at him.
"Can you – show me how you've done that?", he asked quietly, his voice barely a whisper. He looked down at the floor, avoiding Eiji's eyes.
Eiji took his hands into his. "Ash, you can also create beautiful things with your hands. Only because you've never tried doesn't mean you can't do it. He rubbed small circles into the back of his hands. "I thought you had understood my reasoning. Like a knife, your hands can hurt and kill people, but they can also be gentle, heal and save people. Like me." He took his hands and led them to his face so that his hands were cupping both of his cheeks. "Your hands have always helped me, protected me saved me.", he clarified further. "And they can also create beautiful things. Try it; I'll show you how."
Ash removed his hands from his face again, then nodded quietly and leaned onto his shoulder for a moment. Eiji stroked the back of his head affectionately. "You can do it, Ash. You can do anything. I believe in you." Ash looked up at him, a small smile on his lips before determination sparkled in his eyes.
"Show me."
Eiji showed it to him while Ash stood behind him, his arms around Eiji's waist. He was looking over his shoulder, watching his movements closely. Then he tried it himself. Eiji gave him some tips, but they seemed pretty good for the first time.
"Yours look better.", Ash stated matter-of-factly, but he still smiled. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For showing me each day that life is beautiful.", he whispered into his ear before kissing him.
While Ash had remembered that, Eiji had apparently talked to him because he had that stubborn look that he always got when he had drifted off to La-La Land again and had not heard a word Eiji had said.
"Sorry, I just remembered how much fun cooking with you was.", he apologized. That made Eiji's eyes light up, and his features softened.
"How about we make Japanese curry? I love curry so Max will like it, too. And it's easy to make. Even I can do it. With your help, of course.", Ash suggested, winking at him. A faint red crossed Eiji's cheeks.
"That's a great idea. And you could do brownies for dessert."
"You just want to eat my brownies again. Just admit it."
"You're right. Your brownies are the best. Please?", he pleaded with him. "Can you resist this face?", he asked, giving him his most radiant smile.
"I can't, actually. And you know it." A mischievous look spread across Eiji's face, the one he always got when his bright and innocent smile had worked on Ash.
The following day, Max and Ibe arrived.
Ash opened the door, grinning mischievously. Max stood in front of him, a frustrated look on his face while Ibe just grinned.
"You weren't exaggerating about the difficulties of finding a Japanese address. Without Ibe, I would have never found it.", Max scoffed.
"Come in.", Eiji said, and they led them to their living room. Max and Ibe looked at all the photos.
They had decorated it with many photos of New York and their trips around Izumo. Their favorite picture was hanging on the wall on the right. It was a New York skyline with a sunset in the background turning the surroundings in a golden-orange light.
"Have you made all these? They're excellent. You have a great eye for detail.", Ibe praised him. "You've really improved in the last six months."
"Thank you. I hope I'll get even better if I'm working with you again."
Ash knew Ibe and Eiji wanted to talk about their work for a bit, so he led Max to his room.
Ibe and Eiji were already so immersed in their conversation that they didn't even notice.
"You're really the chaotic professor-type, huh?, Max asked, when entering Ash's room, looking at the towers of books everywhere. Across his desk, papers were strewn, and a computer was set up in the middle. In one corner was a bed and in another a shelf with so many books that every space had already been occupied.
"Why haven't you decorated your room?", Max asked. "It looks like your old hideout.
"Eiji told me the same. But decorate it with what exactly? You usually decorate a room with personal belongings. I didn't bring anything with me."
"Then I have something for you. Here.", he said, handing him a little package. "Open it."
Ash did so, unwrapping the present. There were two framed pictures inside. One was the picture he had been staring at in Griffin's and his little cottage back in Cape Cod. In the picture, they were both wearing baseball uniforms, and Ash was probably five or six years old. Griffin was kneeling next to him, so he was at the same height as him and had put an arm around his shoulder. Both were smiling into the camera.
The other one was a picture of a younger Max and Griffin, both in an Army uniform smiling and putting an arm around each other's shoulders while standing in some desert landscape in front of an army truck.
"Griff…",Ash just muttered while a single tear ran down his face. Max put an arm around his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Ash. I didn't want to make you feel sad, but I thought you'd like to have them."
Ash wiped his tear away and nodded. "Thank you. I don't have any photos of Griff at all."
"Open your hand.", Max said. A frown appeared on his face. "Why?"
"Just do it. Please.", Max said impatiently. Ash finally held out his hand. Max took something out of his bag and put it in Ash's hand. Ash stared at it. "Are those…?
"Griffin's dog tags. We switched them at one point, and I've found them again while I moved with Jessica to New York.", Max explained, smiling. "The photos are not the original; I had Ibe enlarge them."
"Thank you, Dad.", Ash said, smiling sadly at him. Then he hugged him. "I'm glad that you're here."
"Me, too. You two have a beautiful apartment. So, tell me what I missed –
That's when Eiji called that lunch was ready, and they should come back.
"We'll talk later. Come on."
Ash helped Eiji serving the food, and they sat down at their table in the living room.
Max looked at all of it with unhidden curiosity. "What's that? It smells delicious."
Eiji looked shyly at Ash. Ash just put an arm around his shoulder.
"Those are gyoza. They're pan-fried dumplings. It's just an appetizer."
Ash pointed at the chopsticks lying next to the table. "So, dad, will you use chopsticks, or will you use a fork like a barbarian? Max's eyes tightened, and he glared at him.
"Shut up. I bet you couldn't use chopsticks before coming here, either."
"That's where you're wrong. He could already use chopsticks back in New York. We sometimes ordered Japanese, and he could use them so well I once told him that he could live in Japan."
Ash looked smugly at him. "Damn genius. But just so you know, I can use chopsticks as well. But probably not as good as you. ", he admitted reluctantly. Ash had to admit, Max could handle chopsticks rather well for someone who preferred fast food.
"Probably Jessica's influence.", Ibe whispered to Eiji, who grinned.
"Is that curry? It smells really good.", when they served the main dish.
"Eiji makes the best curry. It's amazing."
"But this time Ash has prepared the curry.", Eiji added proudly.
"You've done that?", Max asked in surprise. Then he looked at the curry more closely. "Is that safe to eat – Ouch!"
Ash had punched him in the shoulder. "Watch it, old man."
Then Eiji elbowed him. Ash sighed dramatically and looked at Ibe and Max.
"I wanted to thank you two for saving my life.", Ash admitted quietly. "Eiji suggested cooking something for you. But I can only cook simple things…"
"I'm sure it will taste great, Ash. Eiji's cooking is great, and I bet he's a great teacher.", Ibe said, smiling. Ash smiled gratefully at him.
After they had all taken curry and rice, Max tried it and touched Ash's shoulder gently. "It tastes delicious, Ash.", patting his head like a small child.
"Stop that, old man!", Ash exclaimed as his cheeks flushed in embarrassment, pulling back his head and looking away from him. Eiji and Ibe burst out laughing.
"Seeing you pout like that makes you look like a little kid."
Ash glared at him but couldn't hide the spark of happiness in his eyes.
Eiji and Ibe's eyes met, and they grinned. "You're father and son, alright.", Ibe teased them. "No paternity test necessary.", Eiji added with an amused look on his face.
After they had finished eating and were eating the brownies Ash had made, Eiji grew a bit nervous.
"Do you both have time tomorrow? My mom wanted to invite you for lunch as well. She wanted to thank you because we told her you've helped us a lot in New York. She knows Ibe, of course, but not Max.
"Ouch.", Max scoffed. "What did you tell her about me?"
"That you were in jail when Eiji and Ibe wanted to meet you. And that –
"You told her I've been in jail? Are you completely insane?", Max exclaimed furiously, slamming a hand on the table. Eiji actually flinched.
"Sorry, Max, it slipped my tongue before I knew it." Eiji looked down, a guilty look on his face.
"That's just great.", Max grumbled.
Ash went over to Eiji's side, putting his arm around him and glared at Max.
"Hey, don't blame Eiji, ok? Do you have any idea how much he has to keep secret from his family? Eiji is the most honest person I've ever met. It's hard on him, ok? On the both of us. We can't tell his mom the whole truth about what happened in New York, so we agreed on a rough version that she'd believe.
"He's right, Max. It's hard to keep things from your family. From people you love.", Ibe replied calmly while looking at Max.
"And you have only yourself to blame. You're too hot-headed sometimes.", Ash reminded him.
"Says the one who is as impulsive as me and ended up in jail himself. For first degree murder.", Max countered, giving him a dirty look.
"I was set up. What's your excuse?"
"Fine, I get it. You're right.", Max admitted reluctantly. Then he turned to Eiji. "I'm sorry, Eiji. I overreacted. It's not your fault. I'll explain the situation to your mom. And ask her to take care of my dumb son.
Then he looked at Ash, then Eiji.
"So, what exactly did you tell her?"
~~~
When Ash was leaving the apartment with Max to show him around Izumo, he realized suddenly that he had never really talked with his dad. Yes, he had spoken with Max when he had still been treated at the hospital. Even so, there had never been a time where they had been alone for long and had been able to talk about all the things that had happened. That was probably why Eiji had suggested that Ash showed Max around Izumo while they talked about photography and about Ibe's latest projects and when Eiji could start working with him again.
Now he suddenly realized that this was the perfect time for some questions he'd been dying to ask him. But he didn't know how to start. He hadn't seen Max for such a long time, and he sucked at small talk. And that was an understatement.
So he first led Max through the little streets in their neighborhood and showed him their favorite places. Like the café around the corner that had the best cakes in Izumo that Eiji loved or the place, they bought sushi if they were too lazy to cook. And of course, the book store that Ash loved and could spend hours in. The store where Eiji bought his camera lenses and other stuff for photography.
He walked through those little streets with him and noticed how he slowly relaxed while showing him around. Max looked at everything with interest and curiosity and listened intently to everything he told him. After a while, they turned right until they reached the river. The walked onto the bridge crossing the river until they stood in the middle and leaned on the railing. Ash showed him the University hospital on the left side and pointed to the slightly smaller grounds behind it, telling him that was the college campus where Eiji studied. Behind the campus was his language school, but you couldn't see it from the bridge since the University and the hospital grounds were blocking it.
When they stood on the bridge, Max looked at him while his intense blue eyes filled with worry bored into his, taking a closer look at him.
"So, how are you really doing, Ash? You look awfully pale as if you haven't slept in days. And please don't say you're fine, ok? I'm worried about you, you know?", he told him, putting a hand on his shoulder while they walked back, leaving the bridge the same way they had come, heading towards a small park close to the river.
"If you don't stop worrying so much, you'll turn gray before your time, old man."Ash teased him to cover up how nervous he was. Max didn't fall for it. Instead, he gave him a knowing look and flicked his forehead. "Don't push it, kid.", before messing up his hair.
Ash always complained when Max ruffled his hair and called him a kid. Even so, if he was truly honest with himself, he loved it when Max did that. Because it felt familiar, it reminded him of Griffin, who had always patted his head like that when he was small. He couldn't help but smile at the memory.
"I'm not a kid.", Ash protested half-heartedly again, but the soft glow in his eyes gave him away. "You came here all the way from the US to see me. The least I can do is tell you the truth."
"Which is?"
"I'm not fine. I'm aware of that. But I'm slowly getting there. I don't flinch at every shadow I see anymore. My nightmares appear less often, and they aren't as violent and terrifying as before. I'm slowly learning to trust people again. At least Eiji tells me that I'm improving. But it's still hard for me to believe that people like me for who I am. Without any ulterior motives.", he admitted, running a hand through his hair.
Max smiled at him. "Thanks, Ash, I think you've never been so honest with me before. Recovery takes time. But I can already see the change in you. You're much more relaxed, and your face reveals more emotions now. You don't have that stoic expression anymore that covers them up. I've always known that everything will work out as long as Eiji would be by your side. And you seem to enjoy your new life here. I can see in your eyes and the small smile playing on your lips that you've settled down here. And the way you talk about Izumo shows that you love it here. It feels like home to you."
Ash looked at him and gave him a shy smile.
"I enjoy living here. It's exactly as Eiji had described it to me. Quiet and peaceful. I've never seen any violence or a gun anywhere. People were wary of me and my foreign looks at first, but they soon got used to me. And most people here still know Eiji, and since he's just a nice guy, everyone accepted me as well. Izumo is very close to the town I've imagined when thinking about a normal life.", Ash agreed while his eyes sparkled when talking about his new hometown.
"I'm glad to hear that.", returning the smile. Then his eyes darkened a bit while he scrutinized Ash's face. "But that still doesn't explain why you look so exhausted. What happened?"
They had been walking through a little park close to the river for a while, so Max motioned to a bank where he sat down. Ash remained standing, a stubborn look on his face.
"That's your fault, old man. I didn't sleep because of you!", Ash suddenly blurted out.
"You've lost me. Why – "
"I was fucking nervous, ok?, Ash cried out. He finally sat down next to him, closing his eyes for a moment and taking a calming breath. "I thought you wouldn't like how much I've changed. That I've disappointed you… Or that…"
"That I'd abandon you eventually? And that I would change my mind to come visit you here?, Max finished for him, shaking his head in disbelief.
Ash just nodded and looked away from him. He just sat there, bent forward, his arms resting on his knees. His gaze was turned down toward the ground, and his blonde strands had fallen into his face, covering his eyes. After a moment, he felt a gentle touch on his right shoulder.
"Ash, why would I ever be disappointed in you?", he asked him honestly. Ash looked sadly at him, then leaned his head on his shoulder. Max froze up for a fraction of a second, entirely taken by surprise – Ash could feel it – then Max's arm around his shoulder tightened, pulling him a bit closer.
"You've improved so much, Ash. You didn't even flinch when I touched you just now. Although you didn't see it coming. You would have pinned me to the ground when I would have done that back in New York.", he said, grinning at him. "And you would have never leaned on my shoulder like that. It shows you slowly learn to trust people. That you trust me. That alone means much more to me than words could ever express. A small smile crossed Ash's lips when hearing that.
"You've built a new life here. You're learning Japanese, and you have the normal life you've always wanted. I'm so relieved that you're doing better and enjoy your life here."
"I've also found a job here. And maybe a friend."
"You have? That's great, Ash. You deserve to be happy. I'm so proud of you. This is the life Griffin would have wanted you to have. He'd be proud as well if he were able to see his little brother."
That made Ash look up at him in surprise. "You really think so?", he asked, a spark of happiness lighting up his green eyes.
"I know so. When we were abroad, Griffin often talked about you and kept staring at a picture of you he always kept in one of his pockets. It was the only thing that kept him going. Seeing you again. He loved you and constantly wrote letters to you."
"Yes, I remember them. They were pages long. Griffin talked about you in his letters as well. He told me you were his best friend and that you always looked out for him." Ash smiled when remembering that, a dreamy look on his face.
"I miss him, too, you know? He was the best friend I've ever had. But I'll never forgive myself for shooting him. You'll probably always hate me for that."
"Now who's the clueless idiot?", Ash smirked at him.
"Huh?" Max's eyes widened as he stared at him, a blank look on his face. Ash sat up again and removed some strands out of his face before meeting his gaze.
"I admit when we met in jail, I tried to hate you." With slumped shoulders, he looked down at his hands. "I just needed someone to hate. Someone, I could take out all my anger on. Someone to blame for everything. For Griffin's fate. And my own. And when I learned, you were Griff's best friend and the one who had shot him, all my memories of the time I spent with Griff came flooding back, overwhelming me.", Ash explained to him before rubbing the back of his neck and staring off into the distance.
"I sense a but coming?", Max asked hopefully.
Ash smiled softly at that, looking directly into Max's ice-blue eyes.
"But I could never hate you, dad, not after everything you've done for me. You saved my life. I think Griff would smile if he saw that his best friend looked after me when he couldn't do so anymore. He'd thank you that you saved his little, stubborn brother." A single tear slid across Max's cheek as he stared at Ash in surprise. Then, a smile spread across his face, and he looked up at the blue sky as if seeing Griffin smiling down at them. Ash followed his gaze. Eiji would believe in dumb stuff like that. He'd insist that his brother watched over him from above. The idea that Griff held a protective hand over him warmed him from the inside, and a small smile softened his features.
After a moment of comfortable silence, he turned to Max again.
"The time with Griff was the only time in my life, I was truly happy. It wasn't perfect, but we always had each other.", he admitted quietly, gripping Griffin's dog tags around his neck that Max had given to him like a lifeline while tears ran down his face.
Max stared at him wide-eyed, completely stunned. Then he pulled him closer and hugged him tightly.
"I miss him every day.", Ash sobbed into his shoulder.
"I know. I feel the same. Griffin was the best friend I had. Like you, he didn't deserve his fate. No one should go, though so many hardships like you two did. I just wish I would have met you sooner, Ash. Maybe I could have at least protected you. Or saved you."
"You're here now.", Ash pulled out of the hug, wiping his tears away. Max smiled at him.
That I am, kiddo. And I'll keep coming back here and checking up on you.", he promised.
"You're my real dad and the only one I accept in that role besides Griff. Eiji told me once that you're the dad I deserve. That a dad doesn't have to be related to you. He just has to be present in your life and care about you. And I think he's right. Eiji's always right when it comes to emotions."
"Thank you, Ash. It means a lot to me. I love you like my own son and would do anything for you. Please, always remember that." Then Max did something that Ash had never expected. He put an arm around him and kissed him on the top of his head. Ash's eyes widened in surprise before he relaxed and leaned on his shoulder again. He wondered if he had imagined the tears in Max's eyes…
"What was that for?
"To tell you I've missed you. And that I worry about you. Even if I live several thousand miles away from you, and even if you are still a rude and stubborn brat. You're my son, after all."
"I've missed you, too. Even if my dad is a real pain in the ass at times. But I'm glad you're here."
"Ash, I know you're still struggling every day, but you're on the right way. Just don't give up. Eiji needs you, too."
"Yes, I know. It's a mystery to me how he never gave up on me. There were some incidents where I overreacted. I panicked a few times when we were in crowded places, and people touched me out of nowhere. I twisted their arms or pinned them to the ground for no reason. I hated myself for reacting like that, but I just did so on instinct, like on autopilot. I hated that Eiji had to apologize on my behalf and had to offer to pay for their purchases as well. As compensation, so they didn't call the police.", Ash elaborated further.
"At the beginning, I thought Eiji would abandon me eventually, especially when I overreacted like that. But Eiji just assured me everything was fine and hugged me until I had calmed down. Then he helped me up and took my hand on the way home, explaining to me that my trauma wouldn't go away in a few days, and everything would be fine as long as we were together. I don't know what I would have done without him."
"How did Eiji explain your overreaction away?"
"I asked him once, and he told me that he had explained to the people that I was a survivor of war." Ash smiled sadly. "Well, he isn't wrong. I am a survivor of war in a way."
"Definitely. I'm glad that Eiji took such good care of you. So how are things between the two of you? You two seem pretty happy together."
"We are. Eiji is the best thing ever happening to me. He's always there for me, even when I break down and cry or if I'm terrified from one of my nightmares.", he smiled softly, but there was a hint of darkness flickering in his eyes.
"But?"
"Don't get me wrong. I know by now that Eiji loves me. And that he won't leave me. I see it in his eyes, in his too open and honest face and every fiber of his being. But it's still hard for me to understand how Eiji can love someone like me. How can he so easily forgive all the evil things I've done when I can't even forgive myself?", Ash asked, biting his lip and avoiding Max's gaze.
Max gripped both of his shoulders gently but firmly and looked at him. That made Ash look up in surprise.
"That's the point, Ash. You have to let go, come to terms with your past. And most, of all, you have to forgive yourself. Only then you'll be truly happy with Eiji. The only one standing between that happiness is yourself.", Max explained seriously. Ash sat there with slumped shoulders and looked at his hands as if he could still see blood on them.
"I don't think I can ever forgive myself for killing so many people. And all the people dying just because they were close to me."
"Ash, I know you don't want to hear this. But I'm going to say it anyway even if you get angry. Because I worry about you. You have to think about therapy eventually. It would help you – "
"No! I don't need another shrink who wants to turn me into a guinea pig. All the psychologists, psychiatrists, and doctors wanted to experiment on me. I don't trust any of them ever again. And I don't want to talk to a random stranger about my abusive past when that person only knows abuse from textbooks and TV."
"There are different kinds of therapies – "
"Drop it, Max, ok? For now, I have Eiji. That's all I need!"
"Ash, Eiji is not a psychologist. All I want to suggest is that you think about it. Please. Promise me."
When Ash didn't react, he gripped his shoulders again, more firmly this time. "Promise me, Ash!"
"Fine, whatever. I promise to think about it. Can we talk about something else now?", he asked stubbornly. He knew he had to face the topic one day, but for now, he wanted to use the time to ask Max some questions that he had never had the time to ask.
"Yeah, like what?"
"Why do you care so much about me? Is it only because I'm Griff's little brother? Because I look like him? Because I remind you of him?"
"What? No!", Max exclaimed a bit too harshly. Then he took a deep breath, calming himself.
"Ok, I admit, at the beginning, it was also because you were Griff's little brother. But when I learned what you've gone through, I just wanted to protect you. Save you. I felt –
"Pity?"
"Ash, you should know me better!", Max exclaimed furiously. "There's a difference between pity and compassion, you know?"
"That's the point. I didn't know. In my world, there was no place for compassion, only for negative emotions like pity. When I accused Eiji to pity me once in New York, Eiji got mad at me and then explained the difference to me. It made me feel like an idiot. I may be a genius, but when it comes to emotions, I'm completely clueless. It took me months to realize that what I was feeling for Eiji was love. And even longer to find out that he returned my feelings.
"Please tell me you've told him that?, Ash?"
"Actually, Eiji confessed to me first because I'm a dumbass and would have never realized Eiji's feelings on my own. But I told him that I loved him as well, yes."
"Well, finally. It was about time.", Max grinned at him. "So, after you confessed what happened, then?"
"We kissed. Like in jail.", Ash smiled wickedly.
"Thanks. I don't think I need to know more. At least you're both happy. I'm relieved. You really look much happier and much more healthy. But what changed is your smile. It's not fake anymore. It's genuine and even reaches your eyes and makes them light up. I'm really glad I was able to save you.", Max confessed, a tear rolling down his face. This time, Ash put an arm around his shoulder.
"Me, too. I know I'm still struggling, but for the first time in my life, I'm glad to be alive. That's probably a good thing. Eiji shows me new reasons to live every day. He enjoys so many small things in life I've never even noticed. I'm sure I'm gonna be fine as long as I'm by his side. I still think I had to go through hell to deserve someone as pure and good as Eiji in the end."
"That's a good way to see it.", Max agreed.
"Eiji thinks it was fate that we met. His sister gave him a charm that said Good Marriage, and he's convinced that's why he met me. He even dragged me to the damn temple to pray for our happiness together."
"That sounds like Eiji alright.", Max grinned. So did Ash.
"Come on, dad. "I'll show you the rest of Izumo."