Note:
I'm sorry that I updated so late.
The scenario for this chapter was entirely the idea of one of my Wattpad readers.
It's bittersweet, but I loved her idea so much that I asked her if I could turn it into one of my chapters.
When they had finished lunch, they all helped clean the table and did the dishes while Hana excused herself and went back to her room to finish her homework and study for an upcoming test next week.
After they had cleaned the table and put all the dishes away, Eiji showed Ibe and his mom some photos. Some were from New York, some from Izumo. Eiji often took pictures when they were on little trips around Izumo. At the moment, they didn't have the time or the money to plan more extensive trips around Japan. So, they usually visited places that were close to Izumo. Like the temple, the white lighthouse or the beach. They both dreamed of making a long trip eventually. So, Eiji always took photos of those little trips and turned them into a photo book for him later, insisting those were replacing Ash's awful memories with new and happy ones.
After a while, Ibe and Eiji left the room to discuss something about a new job in his mom's study while his mom went to a small café next door to buy some cake.
While he had watched Eiji, Max had started talking to him because his ice-blue eyes were staring at him as if waiting for an answer.
"Huh? Did you say anything, old man?"
"Damn brat. At least pretend that you're listening to me.", Max scoffed, a bit irritated. Then his eyebrows furrowed, and his eyes softened while he looked at him intensely, as if he wanted to ask him something else. Today was their last day together because he'd fly back to the US the following day. If he was sincere, he was a bit sad about it, but Max had promised him to come back.
For a moment, Max just watched him while remaining quiet. It drove Ash mad. First, patience wasn't his strong suit, and second, it made him feel uncomfortable. Just when he wanted to demand to spit it out, he finally continued talking.
"Ash, what about your living expenses? Eiji and you both only have a part-time job, right? I know you still have the money from Dino you stole. But knowing you, it's probably untouched, right?"
"You're half right. I paid Eiji's college fees with it. But I didn't touch it otherwise. It's dirty money. I wanted to donate it at a later point."
Max's intense blue eyes bored into him, making him feel flustered. He wasn't used to people worrying about him. But as far as he was concerned, Max was his real dad, and by now, he was aware that he was just looking out for him. Still, that didn't mean he'd accept what Max would be offering in the next few minutes.
"We're fine.", Ash replied stubbornly. "And I'm not taking your money!" Ash crossed his arms in defiance and glared at him. "Spend your money on Michael, not me." Max rolled his eyes at him.
"I didn't want to offer you money, Ash. I know you wouldn't take it anyway. You're too stubborn."
Ash stared at him for a moment in surprise, speechless for once. Then, he smirked at him. He should have known better. He had underestimated his dad again. Sometimes, it was scary how well he knew him. And yet, he still wondered what Max had meant by that? What else could he offer him? They lived on different continents, after all.
Ash remained quiet for a moment while he tried to come up with the correct answer. Then, Max began speaking again, pulling him out of his thoughts
"What if I could offer you a job?", Max asked him curiously. Ash stared at him in utter bewilderment, eyes widening.
"You do realize I live in Japan, right? How could you offer me a job, then?
"A journalist's work isn't limited to a country. As a journalist, you can work globally. Especially if you're a freelancer, you could live anywhere. I could get you a job as a foreign correspondent if you're interested in Japanese politics, economics or culture. You could write articles about current events taking place in Japan.", he elaborated further. "Nothing dangerous, of course."
"My Japanese isn't skilled enough for that.", Ash reminded him. "And I don't have graduated from any school, really. Who would even hire me?
"Ask Eiji or Ibe for help regarding Japanese. Ash, I've read the essays you wrote when you were younger. They were brilliant even if you wrote them with 13 or 14—all of them. I found them when investigating Dino's mansion for an article about Golzine's death and his crime syndicate. I showed them to Newsweek's chief editor, and he was deeply impressed. He'd hire you on the spot." Ash looked doubtfully at Max, wondering if that was a good idea. He didn't want anyone to know he was still alive. It would place Eiji's family and Eiji in grave danger...
"I don't want my name in the papers. You know best why.", he explained his hesitation to Max, eyes downcast to the floor."
"So, use an alias. Like Christopher Winston." Max smirked at him, enjoying himself immensely. The mentioning of that name made Ash look up again and smile at Max. "Like old times."
He had used that name pretending to be a rich boy from a private school once in New York while Max had acted as his wealthy dad. Only Max knew that name. It was their little secret.
"Besides, no one knows the essays you wrote. You've never published anything before, right?"
Ash nodded at him.
"So, no one would recognize your writing style. It's perfectly safe. I told my boss that you're the son of my deceased best friend, and I'd like to help you out.
Ash thought about it for a moment. Something like that would probably pay well. And it would keep his overthinking, smart mind busy. He was good at researching and investigating, and it would help his Japanese, too. And above all, it would improve Eiji's and his financial situation...
"Ash, you're brilliant, and you'd be a great journalist if you only tried.", he said encouragingly, smiling at him. "So, why don't you use that skill to earn some money? Besides, aren't you bored not using that smart mind of yours?
"A bit, yeah.", Ash admitted honestly.
"It's just an offer, Ash. Think about it. That's all I'm asking."
"Thanks for the offer, dad. I will.", he promised him before he noticed Eiji entering the room.
"Hey, am I interrupting you?", he asked, placing a tray with plates and coffee cups on the table
"No, it's fine.", Max replied, grinning at him. "Eiji, please help me out, ok? Do you think Ash could work as a freelance journalist? For Newsweek, I mean. I've just offered him a job."
"Of course. Ash can do anything!" Eiji beamed at both of them in that innocent way he had, his eyes sparkling with delight. "You should accept, Ash.", he added, still smiling. "You're following in your dad's footsteps. That's amazing!"
Ash couldn't hide his smile any longer. He had assumed that's what Eiji would say.
"Fine, then, I'll accept, dad. It sounds like a great idea. Thank you for helping me out.
"Yes!", Max cheered while putting an arm around his shoulder. I'm already excited to see your articles!
"Let go of me, old man! That's enough!", Ash exclaimed while trying to wriggle out of Max's grip.
Eiji started laughing. "This is so cute. Look how embarrassed Ash looks. You even made him blush! It's adorable.
Ash finally escaped from Max's grip and turned away from both of them. "Damn, Eiji. Don't point out unnecessary things!" Even so, he still saw out of the corner of his eyes how Max grinned mischievously at Eiji before they both burst out laughing again. Damn them!
"Don't be mad, ok?", Eiji asked, giving him one of those angelic smiles he knew he couldn't resist before giving him a quick peck on his cheek.
He tried and miserably failed to feign annoyance, feeling how a small smile escaped his lips nonetheless. Eiji grinned triumphantly at him, knowing perfectly well he had won.
"My mom asked me to lay the table. She bought some cakes from the café next door and made some coffee while I showed Ibe my latest photo project.
"Sounds great, Eiji. We'll help you."
"Be careful.", Ash warned him with a smirk. "Eiji has an extra stomach just for cakes. Once he can reach them, there'll be nothing left for you."
"That's mean.", Eiji pouted before pounding his fist against his chest. "And that's entirely your fault because you always bring cakes back from the café you work at."
"That's because your eyes sparkle brightly each time you see them. You look like a character from one of your mangas.", Ash grinned as they helped Eiji setting the table.
~ ~ ~
"Ash, would you like to see some photos of Eiji as a child? I found some old photo albums. Eiji can show them to you while I clean the table."
They had just finished their coffee and the cakes. Max had told Eiji's mom of his son Michael and had shown her some photos of him and Jessica. That's when his mom had remembered the photo albums she had of her kids, much to Eiji's dismay. Of course, Max and Ibe offered to help and went to the kitchen with Eri. Hana had gone back to her room to study when she had seen the photo books, rolling her eyes and escaping as fast as she could.
"You really want to see them? You don't have to. My mom loves showing visitors old pictures of her family, especially of Hana and me.", Eiji asked him. "They're so embarrassing."
"I'd love to see how you looked like as a child. You should cherish them, Eiji. I don't have any pictures of me as a child anymore." Eiji flinched at that, his eyes darkening with regret.
"I'm sorry, Ash, that was insensitive of me. I forgot that the only picture you have of Griffin and you is the one that Max gave you." Ash sat down on the couch beside him and waved it off.
"It's fine. Show them to me. I'd love to see what you looked like as a kid."
Eiji opened the photo book and showed him some photos, explaining some details to him.
At the beginning, the album had many photos of Eiji as a baby and a toddler, sleeping, learning how to walk and playing with some toys.
"You looked cute. You still have the same warm smile and golden eyes you had back then. It's amazing, Eiji. You never lost that cheerful attitude. Most people do when they grow up. That's what makes you special. What I love about you."
Eiji blushed and looked away. Ash grinned at him. "That was payback for mocking me earlier.", he added with some amusement. Eiji gave him a dirty look.
Then, the album moved on to where Eiji was about 4 or 5. They showed Eiji mostly playing, running around and learning new things. There were pictures where he baked cakes and pancakes with his mom, how he tried to learn to use a kid's scooter and was crying when he fell. Eiji holding the scooter with scraped knees, hands and some scratches on his cheeks, a determined expression overpowering his face. Ash had to laugh when seeing them.
"Don't laugh at me."
"Sorry, but you were already stubborn as a child. Look at all those injuries. But you still kept going and had the same stubborn look on your face that you still have now if you set your mind to something. As if no one in this world could change your mind. Or stop you. It's adorable."
Eiji smiled. "If you say it like that, it has a nice ring to it. It makes me look less clumsy."
"All small kids are clumsy, Eiji. They learn the hard way by trial and error. It's only natural. When Griffin taught me how to ride a bike, I was pretty good at first, but then I forgot how to brake and drove into a wall. He needed forever to calm me down again. But the next day, I tried again. After Griffin repaired my bike."
"I'm happy you had such a kind brother. Griffin was always there for you."
"He was. He was only fifteen when I was born. He was still a child, too. But he still raised me well. Can you picture Hana raising a child? It had to be hard on him. It robbed him of his childhood. Still, he never blamed me and created a cheerful home for me. He influenced my love for books. He always read books to me and even wrote himself."
"That's great, Ash. That you have some good memories as well, you should cherish them."
Eiji turned to the next page and suddenly tensed up. Ash instantly felt how a dark atmosphere surrounded him. His eyes darkened significantly, and he began to shiver.
"Eiji, what's wrong? Tell me.", he asked him, reaching for his hand. Eiji didn't move or reacted to Ash's touch. He just sat there in a daze while tears streamed down his face, dropping on the photos of the opened photo album. Ash moved closer, wishing to comfort him. When he wanted to hug him, Eiji abruptly got up, stormed out and ran up the stairs.
"Eiji?", Ash called after him. "What the - " Ash stood there, his eyes drifting from the door to the photo book, and wondered what the fuck had just happened? He picked up the photo book that had fallen to the floor when Eiji had suddenly gotten up. It was still opened on the page they had last looked at together. Ash took a look at the pictures. Maybe a bad memory had flashed through his mind when seeing them? Yet, they were all innocent, at least to him.
In the photos, Eiji's dad taught a probably 5-year old Eiji how to ride a bike; on another one, he gave Eiji a piggyback ride and on another, they played soccer together. Both of them were smiling brightly and were enjoying themselves.
Just as he wanted to run after him, Eiji's mom and Max stood in the doorway with Ibe behind them.
"Ash, what happened?", his mom asked with concern while entering the room.
"How the hell should I know?", Ash snapped at her in frustration, clenching his fists. Eiji's mom just stared at him with wide eyes, speechless at his outburst.
Max stood next to her and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Please let me handle that, Eri." She just nodded at him and moved to the side so he could enter
Max hugged him, putting an arm around his shoulders. Only then did he notice he was trembling, and tears were running down his face. Still, Max's touch made him relax a bit, and he wiped his tears away. When Max noticed that, he let go of him, just placing a hand loosely on his arm.
"It's fine, Ash. Tell us what happened, ok?"
"I told you, I don't know!", he replied in frustration, glaring at him. Max held his gaze, utterly unimpressed by his outburst
"Ash, calm down, ok? You can't help Eiji when you're like that." That phrase cooled him down instantly.
"I'm sorry, Eri, for shouting. I scared you.", he apologized to her.
"It's fine. And, Ash, I wasn't scared of you. I was taken aback by the look in your eyes. They looked so..."
"Cold?"
She shook her head. "No, quite the opposite. They looked hurt and confused. You clearly had no idea what had just happened."
"You're right. We were just looking at some photos from Eiji's childhood when he suddenly froze up, started crying and ran out. I just can't figure out the reason why.", Ash admitted honestly.
"Show me where you left off. In the photo book, I mean." Ash just nodded and handed her the photo book, opening the book on the last page they had looked at.
"What's wrong, Eri?", Max asked while putting a hand on her shoulder. Ibe had joined them as well. They all took a look at the photos. Her gaze was overwhelmed by sadness before she looked at Ash.
"Eiji began crying because his dad is in those pictures.", she patiently explained to them. Then, she looked at Ash, giving him a curious glance.
"Ash, has Eiji ever told you about his dad? What happened to him?", she asked Ash while her brown eyes dimmed a little.
"No, he's never mentioned him. I found it a bit strange, but I assumed he had his reasons why he didn't want to talk about him. So, I didn't ask.", he admitted honestly.
"Eiji's dad had a liver disease. I don't want to get into too much detail, but the short version is that he had been in the hospital for years, and we all knew he wouldn't get out of the hospital again. His condition was discovered pretty late and eventually led to liver failure. Of course, we talked to Eiji and Hana about it in detail and explained the situation to them. Eiji, however, secretly hoped that he'd still recover and didn't want to hear that his dad would die.
"My condolences, Eri.", Max said while pure sadness overwhelmed their faces. "That must have been hard for all of you." Ibe just looked sadly at her. He was the only one who had already known that. His eyes reflected no surprise, just regret and immense sadness. Ash wondered what that was about while watching him before turning to Eiji's mom.
"I'm also really sorry. I didn't know that.", Ash said. "Eiji has never told me."
"It's fine. His death wasn't a surprise, so at least we could mentally prepare for it. Only Eiji couldn't.", she said while tears pricked her eyes.
"Why?", Ash asked in confusion, feeling lost. He looked at Max, who just shrugged and was as confused as him.
"Because Eiji was in New York at the time.", Ibe explained with a serious face.
She nodded. "I tried to reach Eiji because I wanted to inform him about his dad's deteriorating health and ask him to return. Only, I couldn't reach him. So, in the end, I called Ibe instead.", she said, glancing at him from the side.
Ibe nodded and gave her a compassionate look. "I'm still sorry that I couldn't reach Eiji in time..." Then, he looked sadly at Ash before elaborating further.
"Back then, we had just escaped from Dino's mansion and had been forced to separate. So, I didn't know where Eiji was. You took Eiji to one of your hideouts that could have been anywhere, and I couldn't reach Eiji on his phone. Probably because his phone had been taken away from him before he was kidnapped. When I finally learned of your whereabouts and saw Eiji again, his dad had already died. So, I told him about it and convinced him to go home for the funeral, at least. To be there for his family. Eiji agreed to do so. But, Ash, as you know, Eiji never got the chance to fly back.
"Damn, why didn't Eiji tell me?", he muttered more to himself although he immediately knew the answer. Eiji had done so to protect him. Eiji had known that he had been busy just surviving and hadn't wanted to bother him with his problems. That idiot! He had probably suffered a lot and had still always greeted him with a smile on his face. Sometimes, he wanted to punch himself for not noticing such tiny details...
"I should have noticed Eiji's inner turmoil. I was so busy I barely saw him at the time that I didn't. I'm sorry.", he admitted while a tear ran down his face.
"It's not your fault, Ash.", Ibe said. "I also feel guilty about that. Even so, we were all in an exceptional situation back then."
"Ibe's right, Ash. You can't change the past. Me and Eiji's dad both agreed eventually to send Eiji to New York. He was depressed and had lost all hope after his accident. He had lost the bright light in his eyes and had given up. Nothing mattered to him anymore. When Ibe invited him to go to New York with him, the light in Eiji's eyes returned a little, and he begged us to allow him to go. It was the first time he woke up from his daze and was looking forward to something again. We thought it was a good sign and that a change in scenery would be good for him." Ash nodded at her in understanding.
"Ash, you can be there for him now. Eiji needs you, ok? Go to him. I'll check on him later."
Ash smiled at Eiji's mom gratefully. "Thank you. I'll do that."
He got up and walked to the door. Then, he turned around to Eiji's mom and added something that she should know.
"Thank you for telling me about it. I'm sorry for your loss. If I had known that, I would have sent Eiji home immediately."
"I know you would have. I know it's not your or Eiji's fault. After what you told me about New York this morning, I told Eiji that I don't blame him. Not anymore. I was angry at him for abandoning his family initially, though, when I didn't understand the situation you were in. Even so, I saw in his eyes that he blames himself the most."
Ash went to the second floor where Eiji's old room was and met Hana there, who had been eavesdropping from above. Ash couldn't blame her after all the commotion.
"He won't talk to me. What happened? Is that about dad? I heard you mention a photo album.", she asked sadly while still watching Eiji through a gap in the door.
"Eiji always thinks of others first before thinking of himself. He's used to being the strong one. I'm sure he was the one holding everything together when your dad was hospitalized, right?"
"Yeah, my mom had to work again to make ends meet. Eiji did everything else necessary. He ran the household, cooked and helped me with my homework. Until his pole-vaulting accident..."
Hana gripped Ash's sweater. "Now, Eiji looks exactly the same as he did after his accident. Back then, he withdrew into himself and shut everyone out. The only difference was that he didn't even cry as he does now. I don't want to see Eiji like that again. Please, Ash, do something. I'm sure he'll talk to you."
Ash hugged Hana and patted her head. "That's why I'm here. Don't worry; he'll be fine. He has never talked with anyone about your dad's death. Not even with me. Or you. He always suffered alone. I'll talk to him. He'll feel better soon, I promise. So, stop crying, ok? Go join your mom; she's worried as well."
Hana wiped her tears away, nodded quietly, then walked down the stairs to the others. Ash watched her for a moment longer, then opened the door.
~ ~ ~
"Eiji, I'm coming in."
He entered Eiji's old room and saw Eiji sitting on his bed, hiding in the darkest corner. He had pulled up his knees, and his arms lay on top of them, protectively hugging himself while his head was buried in his arms, hiding his face from view. While he was quietly sobbing, he looked as if he wanted to make himself as small as possible and wished to disappear or make himself invisible. Seeing Eiji like that broke his heart.
Ash walked to the bed and sat down next to him.
"Talk to me, ok? Please, Eiji."
Eiji remained silent except for the quiet sobbing, so he moved closer and put an arm around him. Eiji didn't react, but he didn't reject his touch, either. When Ash touched him, he noticed that he was trembling badly.
"This is my fault. I was so overwhelmed by my own trauma that I failed to see that you were hurting as well. After all your experiences in New York and what happened to your dad, you needed me, too. When you saw how difficult the start in Japan was for me and how much I suffered, you were unable to ask for my help, though. I failed you..." Eiji still didn't say anything, but his trembling had lessened a bit.
"I'm sorry about your dad, Eiji. I get why you didn't tell me in New York with all that shit going down while we were fighting for our lives every single day. You thought that your own suffering was insignificant compared to my cruel life situation. It was wrong, but I can understand why you didn't tell me back then."
Eiji still didn't say anything, but Ash felt how he relaxed a bit and listened intently to his words. He stopped hugging his knees and extended his legs on the bed but still looked down at his hands, avoiding eye contact.
"However, you should have told me when we arrived in Japan. At least after we had settled down and I was feeling better. You had six months, Eiji. You told me that our bond is mutual, yet you expect me to tell you about my suffering while you do the complete opposite and hide your pain from me. I thought you trusted me... I want to help you, too." A single tear slid down his cheek, and even he had heard his voice cracking at the end.
"I do trust you! Always!", Eiji exclaimed and finally met his eyes. His eyes were still filled with tears, but the intensity in his burning gaze astonished him. Then he looked away again.
"I didn't tell you because you'd blame yourself again. You'd think it's your fault and feel guilty. And I didn't want to cause you even more sadness and pain now that you're slowly healing..."
Eiji sniffled and wiped his tears away.
Ash turned his face towards him and looked at him, at the red-rimmed eyes and his puffy face.
"You're an idiot!" He smiled sadly at him. "Eiji, sometimes, you're so selfless that it hurts, you know that? You can't sacrifice your health and sanity for my happiness. That's not what I want! I don't want you to become like me back in New York, suppressing and hiding your true emotions. If you're hurting, please come to me and get it off your chest by talking to me. You'd feel better." His arm around him tightened, and he pulled him closer. He felt Eiji's initial surprise before he leaned closer, and his head dropped onto his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Ash. I just wanted to protect you. I decided to tell you when we were in Japan, I really did. But at the beginning, I tried to focus entirely on you. I wanted to create a real home for you where you'd feel safe. So, I forgot to tell you about my dad. And the longer I waited, the harder it was for me to tell you...", he admitted honestly while avoiding his gaze. "I didn't know how to approach the subject..."
"I understand, Eiji. The situation with your dad had to be hard on you. I'm sorry I didn't notice that you were suffering, too. I'm always here for you, no matter what happens. Please tell me the truth next time, ok? I've learned to read your moods and facial expressions better, and I often see if you're down or having a bad day. Still, I'm not good with complex emotions, and there are still things that slip past me and that I don't get unless you open up to me. Please accept my help as well. Our bond is mutual, remember? So, I want you to rely on me, too."
When Eiji quietly started sobbing, he repositioned himself a bit, moving sideways to pull him into a hug. Eiji's head fell onto his chest as he was quietly weeping. Even so, Ash felt how he was still holding back his true amount of pain. He had always been the strong one of both of them, at least mentally. He had always been a pillar of strength for him, taking care of him and comforting him.
He was probably scared to break down because Eiji wished to be strong for him, stubbornly clinging to the role of being his silver lining breaking through the clouds hanging over him. How could he get Eiji to open up to him? To see that despite his traumatic experiences, he could still offer him a shoulder to lean on?
"Eiji, I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to see your pain and suffering all this time. This is my fault. My trauma and healing process forced you into the role of the mentally stable and strong one. You had no choice but to be strong for me because I really needed you at the time. And I love that about you. That you've been considering my trauma and suffering and have been there for me in the last six months.
I needed your comfort, compassion, your unconditional trust and love. I appreciate all you've done for me. I have only started to heal because you have always been by my side and helped me through my paranoia, my terrifying nightmares and my pain. I'm eternally grateful to you, Eiji. I would never have improved so much without your constant support and faith in me."
Ash pulled out of the hug because he wanted to see Eiji's face. He looked into Eiji's eyes, which had still unshed tears brimming in them.
"Thank you, Eiji, for always taking care of me. For selflessly placing my suffering before your own. For never giving up on me, even if I overreacted and put you in uncomfortable situations. You always gave me the feeling that I was special, that I was worth saving. The last six months have been the happiest in my life. I want you to know that." Eiji's features softened, and he was rewarded with a small smile. It was a start, at least.
"I loved taking care of you, Ash. You deserved it after all you've gone through. I've never considered you a burden. You're the key to my happiness, Ash. But I'm still worried - "
"That's the point, Eiji. You're worried about me and want me to feel safe, right?", asked him, ignoring the fact that he had cut him off mid-sentence.
Eiji nodded at him. "Yes, but - "
"What you don't understand, Eiji, is that I want to do the same for you. I'm worried about you, too. Especially if you look like you do now, as if you desperately want to set your pain free, release your tears, but something is still holding you back. You don't have to be strong all the time. It's ok to break down and cry. It's what makes us human. Let me hold you and take care of you for a change. You deserve comfort and compassion, too. I wish I could make you feel safe, too. Safe enough to accept my help."
Ash gently intertwined their fingers and smiled sadly at him while a single tear ran down his face. Eiji's eyes widened in disbelief as he stared at him, completely stunned for a moment. Then, he wiped Ash's tear away and leaned his forehead against his.
"I'm sorry, Ash. I've hurt you by having secrets and hiding my pain from you. That wasn't my intention. I just didn't want to cause you any trouble. I thought I could handle this on my own.
My sadness felt so pathetic and weak compared to all your horrible experiences. You've lost so many people close to you, and I just lost my dad. One person. It felt as if it wasn't even worth mentioning compared to your suffering." His eyes were still filled with tears, too, but his eyes had brightened a little when he looked up at him."
Ash smiled and removed some damp strands out of his pale face.
"Eiji, you're never trouble to me, ok? You're the best thing ever happening to me. So, now, it's my turn to give you something back, Eiji. To return the favor. I'm not saying that I'm fine because I'm not. However, I'm better now and can also lend you strength and a strong shoulder to cry on. Please, Eiji, let me guide you through all this pain. I can do the same for you!" When Eiji remained silent, Ash gripped his shoulder, making Eiji look up in surprise.
"Eiji, I want to know all sides of you, not just the cheerful one, especially not if it's an act. Let's share everything, the rough and the smooth, together. Remember when we fought in New York, and you came to the public library to apologize?
'Being friends is about saying what you really feel, even if it's painful.'
"That's what you told me."
"You still remember that?", Eiji asked in surprise. "Seems like a lifetime ago..."
"Of course. And you were right. So, I want you to come to me if you're worried, scared or in pain. I've always loved your honesty and openness, and I don't want that to change, Eiji. You know I'm not good at social cues, emotions and reading between the lines. If you don't talk to me, I'll be worried all the time that your happiness is just an act."
"My happiness wasn't an act! You are my happiness. But I admit that I mainly focused on your well-being at the beginning."
"I know, and I'm really grateful. When arriving here, I had a hard time battling my inner demons, my nightmares and my painful memories that came back full force. I desperately needed your support. At the time, I was oblivious to your suffering and pain because..."
Eiji gently took his trembling hand and finished his sentence. "Because you were at war with yourself. You were fighting from one day to the other. I could see the struggle in your eyes at times. Of course, you couldn't focus on me. You suffered from severe trauma, Ash, and you moved across the world. To a world with a foreign language, culture and customs. A world where you knew no one except for me. That's why I watched you carefully and never left your side. I knew you'd have a rough start. That things would get worse before they got better."
"And you were right about that. At the beginning, I couldn't be there for you, Eiji. It wasn't fair, but I wasn't capable of helping you. To see the pain in your eyes. I'm sorry about that. I left you alone with your pain..."
"That's not...", Eiji began, but he interrupted him softly. Again.
"Eiji, be honest with me, ok? You have experienced a lot of horrible events in New York, too. That had to leave emotional scars on you as well. You were kidnapped, injured, shot. You saw people die. Like Shorter." A small tear ran down his face. He wanted to wipe it away, but then he saw the same tears in Eiji's eyes, too. It reminded him that they both had lost people they loved. He smiled sadly at him.
"You picked up a gun for me and shot people, Eiji. All of that had to affect you, too. You weren't used to any of that. By meeting me, you were thrown into a cruel world you weren't familiar with. A battlefield, a war zone, a living hell on earth. You had to be scared because you were practically defenseless. But you still stayed with me all the time regardless. That doesn't make you weak. In my eyes, that makes you the strongest and bravest person I've ever known."
"I've always felt safe by your side, Ash. We needed each other. Even if you were bigger, stronger and smarter than me, I've always wanted to protect you. I still do."
"But all of that did leave scars on you as well. After a few months, when we began sleeping next to each other, I noticed that you had nightmares, too. You don't have violent nightmares that make you hyperventilate as I do. Yours are quieter, but I heard you waking up and sobbing several times. I'm sorry I didn't tell you or talked to you. I assumed you needed some time to tell me about it. Maybe I should have said something, but it was important to me that you would confide in me. Yet, you never did..." Ash remained quiet for a moment, avoiding Eiji's gaze. For a moment, both of them remained quiet. Then, Ash found the right words to continue.
"Eiji, we balance each other out. I know I couldn't take care of you and soothe you at the beginning, even if you needed that, too. I'm sorry. However, I can be there for you now.
When seeing you like that, I want to wipe your tears away and hold you until you've calmed down and feel better. I'd do anything for you."
"Even if I look pathetic and like a crying mess? I'm sure I look awful right now." He looked down at his hands, evading eye contact.
Ash touched his chin and lifted it up, then scrutinized Eiji's face. It was puffy and red from all the crying. Ash cupped his face and smiled at him encouragingly. "You're the only one that matters to me, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you. I'll even take you with puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. Because behind that face is the purest soul I've ever met. I'd do anything to protect you and make you feel better."
"I feel the same.", Eiji sobbed while tears pricked at his eyes again. But - I've kept something from you for so long. How can you forgive me so easily? Why aren't you mad at me? I wished you'd shout at me for lying to you. Or punch me."
"You haven't lied to me. You've hidden something from me, that's true." Eiji flinched at those words. "But I've done the same thing to you in New York. I've kept so many things from you because I wanted to protect you, to keep you away from my cruel and harsh reality. Still, you've always trusted me and believed in me."
Eiji nodded quietly and wiped his tears away.
"You've done just the same. And for the same reasons. You wanted to protect me. And at the beginning, I desperately needed that protection, even though I hate to admit that, so I understand your reasoning. But please promise me you won't hide anything from me from now on."
"I promise."
"Eiji, we're equals and share a special and rare connection. But I want to create a world with you where we both support each other and accept each other's faults and weaknesses, talents and strengths. As you said, we complete each other; both of our lost and incomplete souls create one perfect soul that brings out the best in each other and shows us the path to true happiness. Together."
"Ash...", Eiji started to say. "That was the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me."
"I have my moments. You must be rubbing off on me." He grinned at him. "Our bond is mutual. So, please let me help you as well. Give me the chance to comfort you, to heal you, to make you feel better when you need it. Let me dry your tears and hold you when you break down. I know I'm not as good as you, and I probably won't always find the right words but let me try, ok?"
When Eiji nodded and began to tremble, Ash pulled him closer and placed a soft kiss on his forehead as Eiji had done so many times for him. It had always made him feel safe and protected. Hopefully, it would help Eiji as well. Suddenly, all the tension fell off of Eiji, and he fell towards him, sobbing again. Ash caught him, put his arms around him, and pulled him closer. That's when Eiji finally broke down crying, desperately clinging to his back.
Endless tears flowed in rivers down his cheeks as he began crying uncontrollably. While all the emotions he had bottled up for so long poured out of him at once, his whole body was trembling. His hands gripped his back so hard; his fingernails would probably leave traces on his skin later, holding onto him like a lifeline.
Ash didn't care in the least; all that mattered to him was that Eiji finally trusted him enough to show him his true pain and suffering and had finally accepted his help. That meant more to him than he could ever express with words. He noticed how a small smile dawned on his face because he had finally convinced Eiji to share everything with him. Now, their bond was perfect because they had learned to confide in each other and wouldn't have any secrets.
No big ones, at least.
Eiji would probably still steal cake from the fridge in the middle of the night, pretending the next day he had eaten it for breakfast. And he would still accidentally switch off the alarm clock when he had finished reading, so he could sleep in together with Eiji and then convince Eiji the next day that he'd forgotten to set the alarm. Those were little white lies that made life more exciting.
Ash didn't say anything, just stroked his hair, waiting patiently until Eiji calmed down. He rubbed soothing circles into his back and whispered some comforting words into his ear. That's what Eiji had always done for him. He had never learned how to comfort someone, so the only thing he could do was copy Eiji's comforting gestures he had always used on him. He hoped it would be enough.
After a while, Eiji's crying slowed down, turning into sobbing eventually. Then, he slowly let go of him. Ash turned to the side to reach the nightstand where he had put a glass of water earlier and handed it to Eiji.
Eiji didn't say anything but smiled gratefully at him, drinking the water.
"Thank you, Ash. I'm sorry that I've hurt you by hiding the truth from you."
"It's fine. You hurt yourself much more than me.", he told him sternly.
Eiji just nodded. He drank the rest of the water and handed the glass back to Ash, who placed it on the small table again. Then he observed Eiji and scrutinized his face again.
"Lie down for a bit. You still look awfully pale. You must be exhausted."
"We have visitors - ", Eiji reminded him.
"Eiji, it's great that you always take care of all the people around you. It's what I love about you. However, you have to learn that there are times, like now, when self-care is more important. So, please rest for a bit. You can apologize and explain the situation later. And you'd scare everyone to death with your red eyes.", he teased him to lighten up the mood. "You look like a vampire with your pale face and your red eyes."
Eiji glared at him but lay down anyway.
"If you can glare at me like that, you're feeling better.", he grinned, lying down next to him.
"You wanna talk about it? About your dad, I mean? Maybe you'd feel better. What was he like?"
Eiji moved closer to him and placed his head on his chest. Ash was a bit surprised but realized that he had completely relaxed. He ran a hand through his brown strands and felt how Eiji's features softened. They lay like that for a while in comfortable silence. Ash didn't want to pressure him, so he waited for Eiji to start talking if he wanted.
"My dad and I were pretty different. We didn't have much in common. He was more of a realist, thinking logically like you. However, we both shared a passion for sports. When I was young, he taught me any kinds of sports and often took me to matches or watched them on TV with me. It was what brought us together, what we bonded over. I started pole-vaulting because he had excelled at the sport as well when he was younger."
"You followed in his footsteps.", Ash said. "That's great."
Eiji smiled. "Yeah, and it turned out I was pretty good at it. I'll never forget the feeling when my body lifted off the ground. I was only two seconds in the air, but it felt like pure freedom. Like anything would be possible. My dad was proud of me and came to my pole-vaulting matches and cheered for me. He was even prouder when I began to take part in the nationals and even received a scholarship for college.
At that time, we were really close. I think we annoyed my mom and Hana while talking about kickoff power, handgrip width and bypassed width and other technical terms the whole time over dinner." Eiji smiled more and more while narrating the story to Ash.
"What's a bypassed width?", Ash asked him curiously.
Eiji lifted his head and grinned at him. "There's something Ash Lynx doesn't know? I'm seriously shocked."
"You know I always leave out the sports section of the newspaper. So, educate me. Unless it makes you sad..."
"No, it's fine. The handgrip width is the point where you're holding the pole. It was 4 meters in my case, but my jumping constant was 5 meters. So, that difference of one meter is the bypassed width. Since I wasn't that tall, I had to increase the bypassed width as much as I could to win.", Eiji explained patiently to him.
Eiji's expression had softened, and he had relaxed more and more when talking about his father and pole vaulting. But now, Ash sensed how he tensed up again. The happy part was probably over. He ran a hand through his hair to put him at ease.
"I somehow get the feeling that the story will take a turn for the worse from here."
"You're right about that. When I had my pole-vaulting accident, my dad was already hospitalized. I visited him shortly after that accident. Back then, I was depressed and frustrated and had lost my purpose in life. I had basically given up altogether. My dad just told me to stop whining, being so overly dramatic and pathetic, and to find a new sport or hobby.
When I told him how much I loved this sport, he told me I was too emotional, and I would never succeed in life with that attitude. That I was nearly an adult now, and I should grow up and face reality. For him, it was just a sport or a hobby—a way to get a scholarship. For me, however, it was so much more than that. It was a way to escape, to fly away from reality and feel what ultimate freedom feels like."
"The same way I tried escaping into the fictional worlds of books.", Ash said quietly. Eiji smiled at him in agreement.
"There was not the least bit of sympathy there. Sometimes, I wonder if he even loved me. As a person, I mean. As his son. Not as an athlete." He wiped a tear that ran down his face.
"I'm sure your dad loved you. He was probably just someone who wasn't showing his emotions openly. Even if you had different personalities, that doesn't mean he didn't love you. On the pictures, it was obvious he loved you. It was in the way he looked at you and in his smile. You were lucky, Eiji. You had parents who loved you." Eiji nodded quietly.
"You're probably right. I just wished I could take back the words I said to him that day. It was the last time I saw him. Only, back then, I hadn't realized that. But I was mad at him. I just assumed he would understand why I loved pole-vaulting so much. But he didn't. So, he didn't understand why I was depressed, either. I was so frustrated and hurt that I lashed out at him and then abruptly left.
"What did you say to him?" Eiji trembled and tightened his grip on him.
"That I was glad I was going to New York and wouldn't see him for a while." He started sobbing again. "I can't believe that those were my last words to him. Ash pulled him closer and stroked his back to calm him down.
"That was not the nicest thing to say, but I'm sure your dad would forgive you for that.", he assured him softly.
"I'm so sorry, Eiji. I feel so guilty because I constantly talked to you about my relationship with Max when you lost your own dad. That probably caused you a tremendous amount of pain. I constantly reminded you of your dad's death by doing so..."
Eiji lifted his head and looked into his eyes with an intensity that stunned him.
"That's not true, Ash! I've been really happy that you and Max developed such a close bond."
"But - ", Ash began, but Eiji interrupted him softly.
"I was relieved that despite your stubborn personalities, you got along so well and that you've finally found the dad you deserved. I feel so happy for you because you need a father figure like Max in your life. I love watching you two together. It's wholesome and makes me feel good. You don't need to feel bad about that at all.", he insisted, smiling brightly. Ash was speechless for a moment, but he saw the truth reflected in Eiji's golden-brown eyes. They only turned golden like that if he was genuinely happy about something.
"There's your bright smile again. I missed it, you know?", he replied, returning the smile.
"You're the reason it's back again.", Eiji simply said. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. For comforting me and listening to me."
"I'll always be here, Eiji, if you need me. But are you feeling better?", he asked, still a bit worried.
"Yes, I'm much better. And I really meant what I said about you and Max. And Ibe's always there for me, too. He's too young to be my dad, but he still feels like family to me. Probably because I've known him for a pretty long time. He's always looking out for me. Like a big brother."
"Ibe is a great guy. He loves you and worries about you. I'm sure he feels the same way. That you're family for him, too."
"Thank you, Ash. For everything. No more secrets, I promise."
Ash just nodded at him. "You look better, Eiji.", Ash breathed a sigh of relief before pulling him closer. "Don't make me worry so much, idiot." Eiji removed some blonde strands out of his face before kissing his cheek.
"I'm sorry for scaring you. I'm fine now, thanks to you." Eiji sat up on the bed, and Ash joined him. When Eiji moved closer, gently touching his cheek with a loving expression on his face, he stopped him and whispered something into his ear, casting a side glance towards the door.
"Before you kiss me, you should know that Hana has been watching us through the gap in the door for the last five minutes. And your mom has just joined her."
That's when they heard a knock on the door. When Eiji heard that, his eyes widened, looking from the door back to Ash, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
Ash grinned, feeling a tiny bit guilty for enjoying his flustered state a bit too much, then gave him a quick peck on his cheek before telling them to come in.
Please leave a comment if you've enjoyed reading it. The promised chapter in Tokyo will be the next one. I added the anime SkThe Infinity in my next chapter to make you curious
I hope you'll read the next one, too!