When Eiji woke up, it was already dark outside. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes while trying to figure out where he was. He looked around in confusion, blinded by the small lamp hanging from the ceiling, and wondered what had happened.
"Sleeping beauty is awake.", Ash teased him, grinning. Still, Eiji noticed how worried Ash was about him. It was reflected in every fiber of his being. In the way, his arm was protectively around his back, in his gaze that was filled with worry and a hint of fear, darkening his eyes to jade green, how he pretended to read a book but wasn't wearing his glasses and held the book upside down, how his whole body was tensing up when he stirred when slowly waking up. Eiji felt it because he practically lay on top of Ash. He wondered how he had ended up like that? Usually, Ash slept on his chest, but this time, it was the other way around...
How are you feeling?", Ash asked, all humor gone from his voice, replaced by genuine worry.
"I'm feeling better, thank you. But why exactly am I lying on your chest?"
"Since my stubborn soulmate - he exaggerated the pronunciation, stretching it endlessly - refused to go to bed and rest, as I asked him to, I at least managed to convince him to lay down on the couch instead.", he complained to him, feigning annoyance. Yet, Eiji saw the humor in his eyes but was quickly replaced by sadness.
"I didn't want to argue with you in your exhausted state. You were asleep while standing when we returned home. So, I just covered you with a blanket and watched over you. You fell asleep as soon as your head touched the couch.", Ash explained patiently. Eiji didn't remember much after getting home, to be honest.
"Even so, you slept restlessly, tossing and turning all the time, so I lay next to you and pulled you closer. When I put an arm around you, you turned towards me, your head dropping on my chest, and you finally slept soundly. I always sleep better when I feel your presence, so I thought feeling me next to you would help you somehow. I thought I could help you by being your safety blanket this time."
Eiji saw the shadows of doubt in his eyes. He looked as if he expected a confirmation from him, still doubting that his presence could calm him.
"Of course, you can comfort me, too, Ash. I've always felt safe next to you, even in New York. I slept really well in your arms. I'm sorry that I worried you so much. I'm still a bit sad, but I'm feeling better now." He still saw the uncertainty lingering in Ash's eyes, but the light slowly returned to them. He was afraid that Eiji hid his genuine emotions from him again, and Eiji was painfully aware that hiding his dad's death and his pain had caused that. It had been stupid, and he shouldn't have done that.
"Sleeping beauty, huh?" He looked up at him, trying to change the subject to cheer Ash up. "Then what are you? Prince Charming?"
"No, I'm the prince of darkness who reigns with terror and fear but tries to change his life when he meets the handsome and cheerful prince of the sun empire." Eiji smiled happily, noticing that Ash hadn't described himself as a monster but a prince of darkness. It meant he still thought he was a bad influence on him, but at least he saw himself as human now. It was a step in the right direction.
"Light and darkness are complete opposites but complete each other. They have contrasting qualities but can't exist without the other. Same as us."
Ash smiled when hearing that and leaned on his shoulder.
"What are you reading? Your gaze kept going back to the same page. Or should I say, what are you not reading, since you don't wear your glasses as you usually do? Can you even read like that?"
"No, not really. I couldn't find them. I might have misplaced them."
Eiji looked around for a moment, then grinned and reached for the top of his head. They had dropped to the back of his head when his head had dropped into his shoulder and were at risk of falling down.
"They're here, Your Highness."
"Oh!", Ash replied, blushing with embarrassment. It was so endearing. However, Eiji couldn't tell which one was more embarrassing for Ash, the respectful title for a prince or the glasses part. But he immediately felt better when seeing him like that.
Ash put his glasses on his nose again. "I love when you're wearing glasses.
You look like a college student. But since when do you read books upside down? Is that a new trend from the U.S.?" Eiji smirked at him, pointing to his book.
Ash just glared at him, then turned his book around, showing him the part he had always come back to.
~ ~ ~
The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.
It was a quote from one of Hemingway's short stories that Ash had shown him after he had woken up. Ash wasn't great at expressing his emotions, so quotes helped him to describe his feelings when he was at a loss for words or couldn't find the right ones in the situation. Eiji found it adorable. It fit his bookworm so well.
Ash had shown him that quote, telling him sternly that it fit perfectly because he always looked out for him, but it wasn't healthy never to think about his own well-being, too.
Although Ash had been really understanding, he still saw the disappointment in his green eyes, and that hurt more than any gunshot wound he had ever received.
He constantly wondered how he could make it up to Ash. Of course, he had apologized, yet, for someone like Ash, who had severe trust issues, to begin with, it had probably felt like a stab in the back, the worst form of betrayal from the only person he trusted.
He had always told Ash their bond was mutual, and he had meant that. Eiji had wanted to teach him that in a healthy relationship, both people should be honest with each other and support each other. It shouldn't be one-sided but mutual.
Yet, without realizing it at all, he had done the complete opposite, had acted entirely selfish, hurting not only Ash but his family, too.
Ash had observed him since his breakdown, worried about his well-being and scared because he still saw his inner turmoil, his exhaustion, and wondered what he should do. He saw the confusion flickering in his eyes. They had dimmed and looked darker now, overwhelmed by doubts and worry.
Ash's eyes reflected the concern that he would keep his suffering or negative feelings from him, again, although he had promised to be more open with him from now on, especially if he was worried or not feeling well. He often saw Ash casting an anxious glance down at him, watching him intently.
Eiji wanted to be honest with Ash and tell him about his nightmares to prove he trusted him. He was still surprised that Ash had noticed his sufferings, although he should have known better. Ash always slept with his head on his chest, after all. If Ash felt Eiji's presence, he relaxed and slept more soundly because he meant safety for Ash.
So, of course, Ash would notice if his breathing changed or he sobbed quietly or was trembling. Ash had gotten better at reading Eiji's moods and often noticed little details about him. Eiji loved that Ash had learned to do that and always noticed even the tiniest changes in him.
What if he had destroyed their relationship, their bond, their love with his stupid behavior? He couldn't even imagine how discovering a secret that Eiji hadn't told him had to have felt to Ash. What if his stupid mistake had left a crack in their bond that would slowly increase over time until their bond would break apart and shatter in tiny little pieces, unable to be repaired again?
What if Ash would never trust him entirely again, always doubting that he was completely honest with him? What if Ash would always worry that he had more secrets that he kept from him, the seeds of doubt spreading like a disease?
However, while worrying about Ash, he had forgotten that he had also experienced many traumatic events. And he hadn't realized that he had wholly suppressed his dad's death and had never dealt with it in a healthy way. And there were other memories from New York he had tried to forget. He knew he should talk to Ash about them, too...
"You're special, too, Eiji. Don't forget that.", Ash pulled him out of his dark thoughts.
"I'm not special, Ash. Not like you. I'm not as smart or - "
"Of course, you're special!", Ash interrupted him harshly, clearly upset. His green eyes burnt dangerously while he glared at him. Then he took a deep breath to calm himself. When he spoke, again, his voice was softer.
"I wished you could see yourself through my eyes; then you'd see what an incredible person you are. You also possess a special skill, Eiji. It's because we are different that each of us is special. However, what makes you special is not visible at first glance. I didn't notice it, either, at first."
After a moment of silence, he grinned at him, eyes sparkling with a trace of mischief in them.
"You want to know what I thought of you when I first met you? I think I've never told you." He got up from the couch, took a glass of water from a table and handed it to him, then sat down again. Eiji smiled at him gratefully.
"Judging from your wicked grin, I don't think I'll like the answer.", he replied, hesitating slightly while sipping the water. However, his curiosity finally won out, and he nodded at him to continue. Ash had never talked about their first meeting before, after all.
"When I first saw you, I thought, What a freak." Ash smirked at him, enjoying himself immensely when he saw his sour expression.
"Great. Thanks.", Eiji replied, sulking at Ash's blunt remark and pouting. He immediately regretted that he had fallen for Ash's trap. Ash chuckled and ruffled his hair.
"My point is that I underestimated you at first. I thought you were weird, mainly because you looked like a grade-schooler - " When Eiji glared at him, he smirked, clearly amused.
"I'm not finished, Eiji. Because you surprised and impressed me with your next course of action." Eiji's eyes widened in surprise.
"I did?" Eiji tried to remember their first meeting but couldn't come up with anything that would have impressed anyone.
"Yes, you knew I was a dangerous gang leader, a criminal, a killer. Even so, you just approached me at once and talked to me in your awful English without the tiniest trace of fear in your eyes. You didn't hesitate or were on guard. You just started talking to me as if I was your neighbor next door. You treated me like a teenager, not a gang leader. Despite everything you had heard about me. That's what impressed me. It was refreshing and new."
"I've never been scared of you, Ash. Your gaze was incredibly intense, but I saw deep loneliness and pain in your eyes. I wanted to learn more about you." He smiled at him.
"Yes, and that's what makes you special, Eiji. Your talent is your empathy and sensibility towards people in trouble. You can sense their pain and see into the darkest depths of their souls. You immediately saw through my poker face. No one had ever been able to do that. Your talent is compassion, seeing when people are desperate, in a bad situation or need help. Only, it's invisible from the outside at first, but it glows as brightly as your kind and warm soul from the inside." Eiji leaned on his shoulder and felt how Ash put an arm around his shoulder.
"Where other people see monsters and killers, you see a hurting little boy. Where others see a ruthless and vicious gang-leader, you see a teenager with a broken soul, a bleeding heart. That is your innate talent, Eiji. It's an amazing skill that is rare in people. You always see the good in people no matter what. And even all the cruel events you witnessed in New York haven't changed that. It's what I admire about you the most. It was your empathy, your compassion and warmth that always saved me. It still does." Ash softly kissed his temple, then looked into his eyes to emphasize how serious he was, his intense green eyes piercing into his own.
"So, you're also special, Eiji. You have just never realized how amazing that skill is. How much you're helping the people around you with it. Whenever you are around, people are calmer. Your mere presence comforts them. It didn't only help me but everyone in my gang, too. However, I don't think you realize how much you help those around you. It's kind of cute but also a bit sad. Not every superhero wears a cape or a mask and stands in the spotlight, you know? Many heroes are invisible or stay in the background and don't draw attention to themselves. You're one of them, Eiji."
Eiji's mouth dropped open as he stared at him in disbelief. When Ash put it like that, it sounded like a fantastic superpower. He had never seen it from such a perspective before. For him, it was natural to look out for the people around him. Was it really so unique? In New York, it had always felt like his biggest weakness because you didn't live long in Ash's cruel world with such an honest face and compassion only made you vulnerable and therefore an easy target.
However, he had always seen in Ash's green eyes that his comfort and compassion had helped Ash immensely. That he had brought a little bit of normalcy into Ash's life. Before he had come into his life, Ash had merely existed or survived. Eiji had taught him to live again, to feel again. To love and cry. To admit weakness and reveal his true self.
He had often seen utter loneliness in his eyes and had hoped he could change that and had dreamed about taking him to Japan one day.
For Ash, the most crucial part was that Eiji had believed in him unconditionally and had trusted him blindly. Unlike most people who wanted to use him, possess him, control him, he hadn't judged him or had tried to change him but had instead accepted him just as he was and had stayed by his side. Eiji had always seen how much that had meant to Ash. That at the end of the day, he could return from his cold world to a cozy place, to a dazzling and bright light, to someone waiting for him. To home.
Ash confirmed this with his following words as if he had just read Eiji's mind.
"If I'm struggling with nightmares or just from one day to the next, wondering if I should give up or why I should even bother trying, I just need to look at you. When I look at your warm eyes and your bright smile, I know that it's worth it to keep fighting. You remind me each day what I'm fighting for. I do it for you. Always."
"Just for me?" Ash stared at him for a moment in confusion before his eyes lit up in understanding.
"For us?", he corrected himself. Eiji beamed at him and stroked his hair affectionately.
"Good boy. Please fight for yourself, too, Ash. For your own happiness. My life would be so empty without you. Please always remember that. You brighten my life, too. When I wake up, and the first thing I see is your golden blonde hair, I know that you're my dawn, my new beginning, and this is the life I've always dreamed of. It's perfect as long as you are by my side."
Ash smiled softly at him, and his eyes radiated honesty, warmth and love. Eiji saw it in the way Ash's eyes sparkled in that emerald green color that his eyes only got when he was smiling affectionately at him. Ash wasn't satisfied with his reaction because he added something else.
"You're special to me, idiot. The only person that matters. My reason to live, my happiness. But you're so selfless and always sensitive towards the feelings of others that you always put them before your own. You're hurting yourself by doing so. After all, if you take care of all the people around you, who takes care of you?", he asked quietly while his eyes never stopped looking at him, a trace of sadness overshadowing them.
"Eiji, I'm not as sensitive towards your emotions as you are towards mine, ok? I think I know you pretty well by now, but I'm not as considerate regarding emotions. Sometimes, I notice if you're hurting but not always. So, please tell me if you're suffering, ok? And please don't hide things from me. I know that I did the same to you, but that was in another life back in New York. I know I'm still healing, still, I'd like to be there for you, too. To support and help you if you need it."
"I'm sorry, Ash. By having secrets, I didn't only hurt myself but you as well. I've never wanted to hurt you. I did it to protect you, yet, I realize now that it was wrong. I promise that I won't hide anything from you again. I know that you can comfort me, too, Ash. I trust you unconditionally. So, next time, I'll come to you and talk to you about it. I promise."
Ash looked suspiciously at him, then cupped his chin and looked into his eyes in that intense way he had, his emerald green eyes diving directly into the depth of his soul. Or so it felt like to him. He felt his cheeks heat up but held his gaze to assure Ash he had meant it. When Ash relaxed, and his eyes softened, he caressed his cheek and kissed him softly. Ash returned the kiss, then leaned his forehead against his while cupping his face.
"Fine, I trust you, Eiji."
"Even after what I've done?", Eiji asked, still feeling guilty about it. Ash moved back a little to look into his eyes and took his hands in his.
"Eiji, you're too hard on yourself. You just wanted to protect me. It was wrong, but the one you hurt the most was yourself, not me. And you apologized. Case closed. We all make mistakes. Let's just forget it and move on, ok?"
Eiji smiled softly at him, then hugged him. Ash's warmth always soothed him, especially when he pulled him into a tight embrace like that. Tears filled his eyes again.
When their embrace ended, Ash gently wiped his tears away.
"Why are you crying?", he asked, frowning at him in confusion. "Have I said something wrong?"
"No, of course not. I'm sorry, Ash. I'm just so happy that you forgave me. I was scared that this secret I had would change something between us. That you wouldn't trust me anymore. I thought you'd be annoyed or mad with me because I wasn't honest with you. I would have deserved it."
Ash's eyes lit up again. "I was disappointed, Eiji, not mad. But next time you're suffering, please come and talk to me, ok? Promise me. You know you can trust me, too, right?" Ash's worries became apparent when he asked about the promise twice, afraid that he'd still hide his true feelings from him.
"Yes, I've always trusted you unconditionally, Ash. Nothing will ever change that. So, I promise you—no more secrets. And I'll tell you about my bad memories and my nightmares, too. I'll never hide things from you again." Ash's face softened at once, and a small smile dawned on his lips.
"Yes, I'd like that. I also have bad memories of New York. If we talked about them together and shared the pain, we'd probably both feel better."
"Yes. I agree."
"Eiji, are you sure you're fine? You look pale as a sheet, and you're still exhausted from your breakdown. It's reflected in your eyes. Please go to sleep even if it's early, ok? You'll need it. But before you do, wait a moment. I'll make something for you."
Eiji wondered what he meant by that when Ash went to the kitchen for a moment, and he heard him rummaging in the cupboards and opened the refrigerator. A few minutes later, he returned with two cups, then handed him one.
"What's that?"
"Liquid happiness."
Eiji tasted it and beamed at him. "This is delicious, Ash! I can't believe you kept your amazing hot chocolate from me all this time. You have some incredible skills that I haven't discovered yet.", he exclaimed, looking playfully at him.
"It's just hot chocolate, Eiji.", Ash said, blushing faintly. "Griff always made it for me when I wasn't feeling well."
"Thank you; I feel better now." He moved closer and kissed him on his cheek, with his chocolate mouth.
"Stop that, Eiji. Now I have chocolate all over my face!", Ash complained, but his sparkling eyes betrayed him.
"Yes, that was my intention. He quickly grabbed his phone from the table nearby and took a photo before Ash had time to react or could wipe the chocolate away. Ash placed the empty cups on the table, then tried to grab his phone.
"Delete that!"
"No way, that's my new screensaver. Just look at your face. It's so adorable."
He showed the photo to him. Ash wore a stunned look on his face with widened green eyes and a dark brown chocolate kiss on his left cheek. It looked so cute and was a perfect contrast to his blonde hair. Ash looked at the photo as if he seriously doubted that person in the photo was him.
Eiji tried his brightest smile on Ash; the one Ash was powerless against.
"That's not fair, Eiji. Not that innocent smile. You always use it when you want to get your way.", Ash complained, crossing his arms and feigning annoyance.
"Did it work?"
"Fine, I surrender. But only because you're looking better now. I'm so relieved. Don't make me worry so much."
"I'm sorry, Ash." Then he moved closer and whispered something into his ear.
"I love you."
When he looked at him, surprise flashed in Ash's eyes, which usually was Ash's initial reaction when he told him that. He loved that Ash was still stunned by those three words for a moment before his eyes softened and a smile danced across his lips.
"I love you, too, Eiji. You're still exhausted. Let's go to bed, ok?"
"Yes, you're right. Thank you for everything today, Ash. I'm only feeling better because you've been there for me. I'm so glad you're here with me."
"I'll always be by your side, Eiji. Forever.", Ash replied softly, pulled him closer and placed a quick kiss on his head. Eiji leaned on his shoulder and smiled.
"Don't worry, I'll be okay and you, too. Like you said...
My soul is always with you."