"Ash! Ash! No!"
Eiji's painful scream pierced the quiet and peaceful night. Ash was usually a sound sleeper if he wasn't suffering from nightmares. It took Eiji forever to wake him up, constantly complaining that he wasn't sleeping but more like in a comatose state. He often teased him about his low blood pressure and called him a frail little girl.
However, Eiji's desperate scream tore at his heartstrings and awoke him instantly. At first, panic shot through him, instinctively assuming that he was in danger. When his eyes had adjusted to the blinding light of the bedside lamp, however, he noticed that he was suffering from a nightmare. This time, his suffering was worse than ever before. He noticed not only because of the scream but also because he buried his face deep into his chest and trembled slightly.
Eiji had put his arms around him and had pulled him close. They often had their arms around each other or their legs intertwined while sleeping; that was nothing out of the ordinary. The way Eiji held onto him this time was different, though. Desperate. Frantic. His nails were digging into his back as he clung to him, holding onto him as tightly as possible.
Eiji's nightmares weren't like his own. Eiji was more the person who suffered on the inside, sobbing quietly and tightening his arms around him. He never shot up in panic or fear or hyperventilated, so Ash had hardly noticed them at the beginning. Yet, he had picked up on specific little details that were telltales that Eiji had a nightmare. Like the way he clung to him or the quiet sobs that broke the silence. He often drowned his face in the blanket or talked in his sleep.
He only noticed now that tears were streaming down his face while he quietly sobbed into his chest. He was so stunned for a moment that he just froze up and watched him for a moment before he put his arms, which hung loosely around Eiji's back, around him, hugging him tightly, so Eiji felt his presence and would calm down. He could comfort him, too, right? At least, Eiji had told him as much...
However, Eiji didn't react, probably too deeply immersed in his nightmare, so Ash realized that alone wouldn't be enough. Eiji still trembled and mumbled his name again and... one other name he hadn't heard in a while...
"Shorter..."
A single tear ran silently down his cheek as he heard Eiji murmuring that name.
He had tried to forget it. Not his best friend's memory, of course. Shorter had been the only friend and the only one he had trusted unconditionally in his cruel world. He had been the reason he had never lost his humanity and had never turned into the monster everyone had seen in him.
Meeting Shorter in jail had changed his life. He had taught him that friendship and good people still existed in this wicked world. Shorter had never feared him, even if he had immediately seen that he was deadly with his otherworldly looks and reflexes. Shorter had scolded him for playing with other people's feelings, insisting that only because he suffered himself didn't give him the right to treat others the same way. That if he did, he'd turn into the monster everyone believed him to be. He also taught him to win fights without killing people.
So, he had saved him in more ways than one. They had grown even closer when they had learned that they had been set up by the same person: Arthur. After getting out of jail, they had been inseparable and had always had each other's backs. Together, they had been invincible...
So, he had held the memories of Shorter close to his heart. He would always honor his memory and never forget his best friend for as long as he lived.
But he had indeed tried to forget or to suppress the memory of killing his best friend. Even after all this time, he couldn't forgive himself for doing that. He wished there would have been another way to save him. With his superior intellect, why hadn't he found another solution? Maybe an antidote for the Banana Fish drug? Anything...?
He still missed him so much. And, seeing Eiji's tears, he felt the same but had also shoved the memory of his death back into the darkest corner of his mind. They had obviously both forced the memory of that fateful day into oblivion only to realize now that it would eventually come back to haunt them.
Since Eiji was still trembling and suffering from a nightmare, he tried to shake him, to wake him up.
"Eiji! Eiji, wake up! Please."
Eiji just mumbled his name again and just clung to him more tightly.
Ash had never seen Eiji like that. He didn't like to admit that even to himself, yet usually, he was the clingy one. He slept with his arms around Eiji and his head resting on Eiji's chest. Feeling his presence reminded him that he wasn't alone. Eiji was his safety blanket and the reason why he finally slept through the night.
At that moment, he realized that his presence comforted Eiji, too. Eiji had told him as much a hundred times over, but Ash had never been entirely convinced. His hands had ended so many people's lives, were tainted with so much blood; how could they ever comfort someone? He had always been scared that his bloody and dark soul, his hands dripping with blood, would taint Eiji's pure soul and destroy his innocent smile.
After a while here in Japan, he had slowly learned that Eiji's smile and his warmth, his kindness never wavered. It had always felt as if Eiji's pure soul had cleansed his own from his committed sins, as if he purified him, giving him the opportunity for a new beginning.
In these last few months, he had learned to use some basic gestures and had seen in his sparkling eyes that Eiji loved them, instantly leaning into his touch. Even so, some doubts that his touch would hurt Eiji one day always remained behind. Eiji had explained to him multiple times that he was his safe haven. Even if he had seen the truth reflected on Eiji's face, he had never fully believed Eiji that his presence meant safety and comfort for him, too. Until right now, when he saw Eiji clinging to him as if his life depended on it...
When Eiji didn't wake up, panic surged through him, and his whole body tensed up while droplets of sweat ran down his face. As he pulled him even closer, he felt how his hand was trembling. When he watched Eiji, he felt so powerless and hated that his brilliant mind was utterly useless when it came to emotions. Tears pricked at his eyes when he realized he had no clue how to handle such a situation... It always looked so easy when Eiji did it...
Ash, you don't have to do anything. Your mere presence comforts me. Even if you don't find the right words, it's ok because your voice alone soothes me. Even if you don't know the right gestures or your movements are clumsy and full of hesitation, it's fine because your touch alone always comforts me.
Those words Eiji had often told him suddenly shot through Ash's mind like a flash of lightning, illuminating the right path in front of him and clearing his mind. It finally woke him up from his stupor and his self-pity.
He knew he wasn't good at comforting gestures, but he realized with a start that he had to try anyway, to do anything in his power to help Eiji. Even so, he needed a moment to think about what Eiji would do for him if their roles were reversed.
What had Eiji always done to comfort him? How had he reacted when he had suffered from a nightmare? Trying to stay calm, he closed his eyes for a moment and tried to remember how Eiji had always soothed him, what words he had used, what kind of voice, which movements or gestures...
After a moment, he opened his eyes again and tried what he had learned from Eiji. Ash kept talking to Eiji because Eiji's voice had always assured him that he wasn't alone. He noticed that it helped Eiji, too, because he got a bit calmer and his grip around him loosened a bit.
When he pulled back a bit and removed Eiji's arms around him, he tensed up again. However, when Ash grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers, he relaxed again. Eiji had always done that to show him he was by his side, letting him feel his presence. It had helped him immensely, and he hoped Eiji would calm down, too. With his other hand, he removed some damp strands from his sweating face and placed a soft kiss on his forehead while stroking his hair.
Ash breathed a sigh of relief when he saw a small smile dawning on his face. Eiji had always used a forehead kiss when Ash had suffered from a nightmare to assure him that he was safe and protected. All Ash could do was mimic his movements or other ways to spend comfort because he had never learned how to use gestures or words of affection, comfort or warmth. So, he tried to copy the ones he had already seen before because Eiji had used them on him.
Eiji instantly relaxed and finally stopped trembling. Ash was relieved that Eiji reacted like that. Even if he had seen and felt Eiji's soft gestures often enough, he had never tried them out on Eiji and wasn't sure if he could even comfort him.
When he had broken down the day before, it had been different. Back then, Eiji had been awake, so he saw the reaction on Eiji's face. When Eiji was sleeping, however, he didn't see if his actions even helped him and that scared him. He felt so useless because even if the whole world put a genius label on him, he was a complete newbie when it came to revealing emotions openly through gestures or words. He seriously failed at that.
Still, over time, he had noted that gestures were much easier for him than expressing his genuine emotions with words. Eiji, however, always read what was on his mind easily, so he was lucky in that regard. Words often weren't necessary between them. Eiji somehow always knew what he wanted to say, what he thought, what he needed. It was scary and incredible at the same time.
When Eiji had calmed down a bit, he let go of his hand and cupped his face, wiping the tears on both cheeks away with his thumbs.
"Eiji, open your eyes, ok? You're safe. It was just a bad dream.", he asked in a soft, soothing tone that Eiji had always used when he needed comfort.
After a moment, Eiji slowly opened his eyes. When he saw Ash, he smiled faintly and instantly hugged him.
"Eiji, calm down, ok? It was just a nightmare. You're safe, ok? Everything's fine now."
Eiji's grip loosened after a moment, and he pulled away a bit to look at his face.
"Ash, I ..."
"Shhh...everything's fine, ok? I'm here. You're not alone." Ash tried to calm him in a low voice, just like Eiji had always done for him. It seemed to work because Eiji's head dropped on his chest again, new tears streaming down his cheeks. Ash put his arms around him, waiting patiently for him until his tears had ebbed down, then wiped the rest of his tears away.
"Thank you, Ash. I'm feeling better now. I must have scared you when I even managed to wake up someone as comatose as you.", he said half-jokingly in an attempt to lighten up the mood.
"You screamed my name so desperately, my heart shattered at the sound.", Ash admitted honestly.
"I screamed your name? I'm so sorry, Ash." Eiji sat up and looked down at his hands, avoiding eye contact. He always did that when he was feeling guilty or regretted something he had done.
Ash raised himself to a sitting position as well, then cupped his chin, moving it upwards until they were at the same eye level. Then, he looked into his eyes. Ash was stunned by the intense sadness reflected in them. There was also a shadow of regret lingering, but his eyes slowly lit up again and changed to a soft golden brown the longer he looked into his eyes.
"It's fine, Eiji. I was just worried. You didn't hear your voice. It was desperate and terrifying. I've never heard you scream like that. It was chilling me to the bone. It - it scared me, ok?"
Ash couldn't stop a single tear from sliding down his face. Eiji moved closer, removed the tear, then caressed his cheek and placed a soft kiss on it.
"I'm so sorry I scared you, Ash. But your presence and your voice helped me. So did your touch. You always heal me. Save me. You're my dawn, the golden sunray that brightens and highlights each day for me."
Ash felt how a small smile dawned on his face. "I couldn't do much. I always feel so powerless when I want to help you. When you comfort me, it always seems so easy, so effortless..."
"Ash, you've never learned comforting gestures, and touch has always meant violence and pain for you. If you take that into account, you're doing great. Your touch is a bit clumsy and sometimes full of hesitation because you're still afraid to hurt me. Still, your touch is a soothing balm for my soul, ok? It heals me, and I feel loved. It brings me happiness. And I'm so grateful that you even try, ok? I know that even after six months, touching someone, even if it's me, isn't easy for you. So, you're doing great."
Ash slowly nodded and intertwined their fingers again. Then he scrutinized his face, which was still pale but had lit up with a faint smile.
"What happened, Eiji? What did you dream about? You didn't only mumble my name. You mentioned... Shorter's name, too."
Eiji's eyes widened in surprise, then he hesitated for a moment, looking away from him in embarrassment. However, when he looked into Ash's eyes again, Eiji had made up his mind. Ash saw determination in his eyes. Maybe he had remembered his promise to him...
No more secrets, I promise.
"I - I had a nightmare. It's about New York. About an event that still scares me."
Eiji shifted a bit to the side and leaned on his shoulder. "We've never talked about New York. About all the events still haunting us."
"That's true. I guess we should have done that sooner. We probably both avoided that topic on purpose.", Ash admitted honestly while leaning his head against his. They stayed like that for a moment, enjoying the silence, each of them probably wondering if now would be a good moment to address their memories from New York but figuring out how to start. Eiji broke the silence after some minutes.
"To be honest, when I saw my dad's photo album and broke down yesterday, I didn't only remember my dad's death and all of the memories of my dad and me from my childhood.", he continued quietly.
"What do you mean?" Ash lifted his head again so that he could look into Eiji's eyes.
"I also remembered all the other memories I tried to forget. Most of them are from New York. Of people that died. Like Skip, Shorter or your brother Griffin. Memories where you shot people to protect me, or I shot people to protect you. Or at least tried to. Memories of you getting hurt or injured. Or..." Eiji's voice cracked, failing him.
"Raped?", Ash finished in a low voice. Eiji nodded. "They all came back at once, overwhelming me. That's probably why my nightmare tonight was worse and more vivid than before. I wanted to tell you about them, but yesterday, I was so exhausted..."
"It's fine; I could see that you were drained from your breakdown earlier. What did you dream about, Eiji? Please tell me now?", Ash asked, trying to encourage him to continue.
"My nightmare was about Shorter. I was afraid to tell you about it because you've just gotten used to a peaceful life here, and I didn't want to bring up some cruel memories."
"I can understand that, but please tell me now, ok?" Ash noted that he was repeating himself, yet he assumed it would finally convince Eiji to tell him what his nightmares were about.
"Yes, I had two reoccurring nightmares. One is about you dying and leaving me all alone. I often had it in New York when you didn't return to my side for days. Yet, since we moved to Japan, it hasn't reappeared. Probably because I felt your presence next to me and knew we were both safe."
Ash just nodded, waiting patiently for him to continue.
"The other one is much worse. It's about... Shorter... dying..." He choked out the last word while tears streamed down his face.
"You mean me killing him..." Ash still saw the moment in slow motion before his eyes, like a movie scene. How he had picked up the gun and shot Shorter before he had gotten the chance to kill Eiji. One shot fired into his back, penetrating his heart.
He'd never forget Eiji's face, his eyes widening in shock before Shorter had fallen on top of him. It still shocked him even today that he had really done that. Shooting his best friend. Even if Shorter had been controlled by the drug. Even if he had attacked Eiji...
"No, Ash. You freed him. Saved him. However, that doesn't make it any less painful... Especially for you... I'm sorry for bringing it up..." Eiji apologized, his voice trembling while he stared down at his hands. Ash placed a hand gently on Eiji's and smiled sadly at him while he felt tears pricking at his eyes, too.
"No, thank you, Eiji. For telling me the truth. Even if the memory is painful, I'm glad that you don't hide your suffering anymore. Please tell me if you're in pain. I want to know and be there for you. Always." Ash really meant that. Even if the memory hurt, he was relieved that Eiji had opened up about it and had confided in him.
"I'm sorry, Eiji. I've never wanted you to witness that. You only got into this situation because you met me..." Tears welled up in his eyes. I know that what we have is unique, Eiji, but I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if you hadn't met me. I brought you so much pain and suffering..."
"Ash, please don't say something like that, ok? None of this was your fault, ok? Shorter would feel the same. Like me, he remained by your side because he believed in you. He wanted you to have a better life. If he saw us now, he'd probably smile because he'd see that you escaped from your cruel fate. He'd be happy for you." Eiji leaned his forehead against his and put his arms around his shoulders while they both sobbed quietly.
"I just wish I could have saved him... You always tell me how smart and amazing I am but back then, why couldn't I save my best friend? Why didn't I notice that he acted weirdly? On our trip to L.A., I mean? That he hid something from me? That he lied to me? Maybe if I had noticed earlier - "
Ash's voice broke while tears ran down his face. Tears he had never been allowed to shed in New York for his best friend. He had never mourned Shorter's death, had never found the time. Maybe now that he was safe, he could do so together with Eiji. Eiji pulled him closer while tears streamed down his face, too.
For him, that memory was so painful because he hadn't only seen him die but had shot his best friend himself. Even if Shorter had begged him to do so, that didn't make it any less horrible. He didn't want to do it, yet he had seen the tremendous amount of pain reflected in Shorter's eyes. That's when he had known that Shorter was beyond saving, that his fate was sealed. That it was too late to save him. And still, it felt as if he had sacrificed him for Eiji...
Eiji was still sobbing but softly wiped his tears away and looked at him.
"See, that's why I didn't want to tell you. Because it would make you cry. And me, too. I brought you to Japan to see your smile more often, not your tears. Even so, my breakdown made me realize that we should talk about the events and memories of New York that still haunt us."
Ash just nodded and wiped Eiji's tears away, too. "I miss him, Eiji. Every day. And I'd never forgive myself for killing him..." Eiji gripped his shoulders while his intense gaze burned into him.
"You didn't kill him, Ash! You set him free like he asked you to." Eiji replied quietly.
"You've seen how much pain he had been in, how much he had suffered. He even recognized you despite being drugged. That proves what a close bond you two had. If Shorter still lived or could speak to you somehow, he'd thank you for giving him a quick and nearly painless death. You saved his soul, and now he's free and happy. I steadfastly believe in that!"
Eiji smiled at him through his tears, and Ash wondered if he was right. If Shorter had lived, he had led a pathetic life like his brother Griffin. He probably wouldn't have recognized him, Eiji or even Nadia. It was probably a good thing that Nadia had never seen her brother like that...
Eiji pulled him out of his thoughts by hugging him while tears ran down his face. "I miss him, too—every day. Like you, I wished I could have done something to save him. Anything. But we can't change the past, Ash. We should continue to live for Shorter, too, and always hold our memories with him close to our heart.", Eiji explained to him.
"My dream is about Shorter attacking me... and you... About your painful scream when he attacked me... the desperate cry from Shorter when doing so... The sound of the deafeningly loud gunshot... Eiji's voice broke while he tried to choke back his tears. Yet, it didn't work, and they streamed endlessly down his face. He sat there with slumped shoulders, unable to go on. Ash put an arm around his shoulders while he couldn't hold back his tears, either. He gently stroked the back of his head in circular motions, trying to soothe Eiji's pain. And maybe his own, too.
"I'll never forget how Shorter froze up for a moment, standing over me, and tears ran down his face before... before he fell forward, landing limply on top of me..."
He covered his face with both hands, then let go and instead crossed his arms and held onto his shoulders, trembling. Ash noticed he was shaking, too, but he still tightened the arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer, and softly kissed his temple to calm him down. It seemed to work since Eiji's trembling slowly stopped, and he managed to tell him the rest.
"And your scream when they dragged his... him... and me away... I'll never forget the deafeningly loud scream from you. I - I never want to see you like that again. Or hear that excruciatingly painful voice from you... Those sounds broke my heart."
"When I shot Shorter, I couldn't believe what I had just done, freezing up and shocked at my own actions. It was as if the world had stopped turning, and nothing mattered anymore. Even so, your voice woke me up and reminded me that this wasn't only about me. I involved you in this mess. And Max and Ibe, too. So, I hoped that I could at least save you before I'd die...", Ash admitted honestly." Eiji leaned on his shoulder. "I'm glad you didn't die. And that Ibe and Max were saved as well."
"I probably screamed your name because the last moment I see in the dream is your devastatingly sad face while I get dragged away from you. All I want at that moment is to stay by your side, to tell you it's not your fault. You didn't see your face, Ash; it looked to me as if you lost the last spark of hope, and I had lost you forever..."
"Yes, that's what it felt like to me.", Ash admitted while wiping the remaining tears away. Then, he looked at Eiji again.
"I loved Shorter, but it was a different kind of love than the one towards you. He was my best friend and the only one I could trust in our world ruled by darkness. Still, it feels to me like I chose you over him. As if I sacrificed his life to save yours. I've never regretted saving you, not once, Eiji. And I know that Shorter was suffering and beyond saving at this point. Still, sometimes, I wonder if I could have saved him. With time, I could have found an antidote or something... But I've never found out which plant was the basic component of Banana Fish... Some genius I am..."
"Ash, stop, ok? You can't do that to yourself. You saw how much pain he was in. And you saw the state your brother was in. I wanted to save Shorter, too, but..." He turned towards him, then hugged him and sobbed into his chest.
Ash put his arms around Eiji, too, still trembling slightly. "I'm sorry. I just wished I could have saved both of you. I - I miss him so much... My brother, too."
"I miss him, too. And I wished I could have met your brother. Before he was drugged, I mean. His death is my fault..."
"No, Eiji, please don't. That wasn't your fault. You didn't belong in this world and didn't know anything about it. I've never blamed you for that.", Ash assured him while kissing the top of his head. "And maybe death was a relief to my brother. He was probably suffering and in pain as well. Like Shorter..."
"But I'm sure wherever they are now, they're both happier. Maybe they're watching over us." Ash smiled sadly at him, nodding.
"I like the idea of that."
"You've changed, Ash. Six months ago, you would have told me how ridiculous that is."
"Yes, you're right. I'll never believe in religion. God or whatever entity there is has never helped me. Not even as a child. Children are supposed to be innocent and pure. I don't want to believe in a God who sees children get raped and murdered but who doesn't intervene.", Ash answered a bit too harshly, his tone cold as ice and his eyes glowing dangerously.
After a moment, he looked at Eiji again, warmth returning to his features again.
"However, I admire that you didn't lose your faith after all you've gone through, Eiji. And I like the idea that people we were close to hold a protective hand over us. Is that weird?"
"No, it isn't. I think it's a great way to look at it." Eiji beamed at him in that innocent way he had, and Ash immediately felt better, returning the smile.
Then, he pointed to a stack of photos lying on Eiji's desk.
"Do - do you have a photo of Shorter? Of Skip, too? Or of all of us together?
Maybe we could hang one in our living room?"
"Yes, of course. I'll look for some tomorrow. I'm sure that Ibe can help me to enlarge it and frame it."
"Are you feeling better? Do you think you can sleep again?"
Eiji nodded and looked gratefully at him. Ash gave him a small smile, then went to the kitchen and returned with two glasses of water, handing one to Eiji.
After that, they tried to sleep again. Ash waited until Eiji's breathing evened out, and he slept soundly, his head resting on his chest, holding him close. Ash loved how peacefully Eiji was sleeping now on his chest. He loved to watch him and that small smile resting on his face, relieved and happy that he was the reason that Eiji slept so soundly. It was the first time he didn't feel completely useless.
He still felt like an idiot, yet he had somehow managed to comfort Eiji enough that he had fallen asleep again. He loved listening to Eiji's rhythmic breathing; it was like a lullaby that made him relax. The heaving and falling of his chest and his breathing pattern always calmed him down and lulled him into a peaceful sleep, too.
However, this night, he couldn't sleep at once. His smart mind was busy processing all the events of this night, and he thought back to the moment when he had shot Shorter for a long time. He'd probably never forgive himself for shooting his best friend. However, talking with Eiji about that event in their lives made him feel so much better. He hoped that one day he could come to terms with that memory and accept it as a sad part of his past life. The idea that Eiji would always be there to share his pain with him put him at ease before he drifted off to sleep, too.
~ ~ ~
The following day, Eiji woke up from a delicious smell. When he sat up, Ash just came into the room with a tray in hand. On it was a very American breakfast: scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, coffee and orange juice. Looking at him sheepishly, who usually prepared a healthier breakfast, he added something.
"Sorry, I thought I'd set the kitchen on fire if I made a Japanese breakfast without your supervision." Eiji grinned. Ash's cooking skills had improved, but when it came to Japanese meals, he was still a beginner.
"Breakfast in bed?", Eiji asked while Ash successfully balanced the tray with one hand while slipping under the covers next to him. Eiji grinned at him. "Perfectly balanced out. Well done. That's my barista." A faint red streak appeared on Ash's face. Ash still wasn't used to compliments; being praised always made his cheeks flush bright red. It was so endearing.
"I guess, working at a café has taught me at least how to balance a tray.", he said, shrugging it off in that nonchalant way he had.
"Wow, that looks amazing. You even made apple bunnies and a little salad. I think I have to break down more often."
Ash frowned at him, and his eyes flared up, glowing dangerously. "That's not funny, Eiji!"
"Yes, I know. I'm sorry, Ash. It's just such a lovely idea. I've never had breakfast in bed before!" Eiji gave him his most innocent smile that was Ash's weakness, and Ash's gaze softened instantly, followed by a small smile.
"How are you feeling?" I thought the apple bunnies would cheer you up.", he explained while his cheeks glowed in a faint pink color again. It was adorable.
"I'm fine, thanks to you. You switched off the alarm." Eiji gave him a scolding glance before trying the salad.
"Of course, I did. You needed rest, so I wanted you to sleep in."
"Thanks, but you probably needed the rest as well after our talk last night."
Ash didn't reply but gave him a slight nod. They had breakfast in comfortable silence, enjoying the food for a while.
While eating, Eiji thought back to the events of the previous day, especially about his breakdown. After he had talked to Ash and his mom and Hana in his parents' house the day before, Eiji had tried to assure Max and Ibe that he was fine. Of course, they had looked through that at once with his honest face and had told Eiji to return home and get some rest. Eiji had stubbornly protested, but Ash had cut him off, something he usually didn't do and had announced they would go home and would see them tomorrow afternoon. Eiji had sighed in frustration but hadn't complained further, realizing Ash had been right.
"Eiji, what's wrong? You have that look that you always get when you're worried about something.", Ash asked while sipping his coffee.
Eiji sighed. "You're right. Yesterday, I didn't have time to explain the situation to my mom and Hana in more detail. We had guests, after all, and I was exhausted. My mom and Hana looked so worried. I have to give them a full explanation, especially about the situation in New York during my dad's death. Especially Hana doesn't know much about my experiences in New York."
"Then, just do that. I don't see the problem in that?", he asked curiously.
"The problem is that you forgot what day of the week we have today." Eiji sipped on the orange juice and watched his face intently, trying to find out if Ash had forgotten about Max leaving.
Eiji felt slightly guilty because Ash always looked so utterly shocked every time he mentioned he forgot something. Ash was used to having a great memory thanks to his superior intelligence. After a moment of torturing Ash, he continued. Judging by his facial expression, Ash still hadn't figured out what he was referring to.
"You forgot that your dad is leaving today."
"Fuck! I did forget that!", Ash exclaimed, nearly spilling his coffee when looking at his watch in a panic. Max was only leaving in the evening, though, so Ash relaxed again when he saw it was only noon.
"Although I don't understand why that is a problem? We just split up. You'll talk to your family while I'll see Max off at the airport."
"No way, I want to see Max off, too!", Eiji stubbornly complained.
"Eiji, you can see Max and say goodbye to him when we meet later at your family's house. You remember that he'll come by later to say goodbye to your mom and Hana."
"But -, "Eiji tried to argue but was softly interrupted by Ash.
"Eiji, your family is more important now." When Eiji didn't reply for a moment, thinking about Ash's words, Ash added something that made him reconsider at once.
"You made Hana cry, you know?"
"Huh? What do you mean?" Eiji stopped eating while looking at him in surprise.
"After you had broken down, she stood in front of your room, watching you through a peek at the door while tears were streaming down her face. When I came upstairs, she clung to me, begging me to help you. According to her, you didn't talk or react to her at all. She explained to me that you looked the same way after your pole vaulting accident. You really scared her, Eiji."
Eiji flinched and covered his face with his free hand in frustration. He felt guilty at once for worrying his little sister. That had been the last thing he had intended to do.
"Shit. I didn't realize that she saw me like that. And I don't remember much from the time after my pole-vaulting accident, either. I was completely numb emotionally and didn't notice anything around me anymore.", he explained his depressed state back then to Ash.
"I didn't think she'd react like that or that she'd even remember me in that state. She was so young back then. I didn't think about her at all during my breakdown. Or about hurting her or my mom. I'm the worst."
Eiji's hand around his coffee cup tightened while he looked at his empty plate, feeling guilty and selfish that he had scared his little sister so much.
Ash put an arm around him to calm him down.
"No, you aren't. Sometimes, your own well-being is more important, Eiji. But you need to explain the situation to her. To your mom, too. We might have explained some things about New York to your mom, but Hana and your mom need to hear the rest from you. That's important. I wanted to hear the truth about your dad from you, too, and not from your mom."
The way Ash said it, it wasn't a complaint; he was stating the truth. Ash had to have seen the guilt returning to his face because he quickly changed the topic again.
"Why don't you go to your dad's grave with them? Maybe talking to your dad or at least seeing his grave and leaving some flowers and some kind words would give you closure.", he advised him."
Eiji was so shocked that such a suggestion had come from Ash of all people, the most logical person he knew, that he nearly dropped his glass of orange juice while staring at him in disbelief. He was at a loss for words and needed a moment to recover.
"B - but you don't believe in religion.", he exclaimed, stumbling over every syllable. "Or that dead people can hear your words, thoughts or feelings.", Eiji reminded him when he had gotten over his initial shock.
"No, I don't.", Ash had answered as bluntly as ever. "But that doesn't matter because you do believe in it, right?" Eiji nodded and smiled at him.
"Yes, I do. Thanks. That's a great idea. You're the best!"
He placed a soft kiss on his cheek. Eiji loved praising Ash because every time he did, a faint blush spread over his cheeks, and he looked like the little boy he wished to see more often. He asked Ash to hand him his smartphone and called his mom.
~ ~ ~
A few hours later, Eiji went to his dad's grave and left some flowers with his family while Ash brought Max to the airport. When he stood in front of his grave, he couldn't hold back his tears any longer. His mom didn't say much but put his arms around him and patted his head. He felt like a little kid again, but when he had stopped sobbing, he felt better.
Pure relief was reflected in his mom's eyes, probably because he had always been a crybaby who showed all of his emotions openly. Still, she had felt that there was a distance or a barrier between them after his return. Seeing his tears was a sign that her son was recovering and didn't hide his true feelings anymore.
A moment later, Eiji was gently hugging Hana as well, who was also sobbing, and promised her he'd explain his reasons for not returning home for his dad's death later.
He closed his eyes and spoke a silent prayer and some kind words, convinced that if he tried hard enough, his sincere emotions would surely reach his dad. Maybe believing in something like that was naive, but even in this world, miracles did happen.
He had found a lost angel with the kindest and purest soul in the middle of a warzone, a hell on earth, after all. His golden blonde hair, his captivating green eyes and his intense aura illuminated the darkness while surrounded by bloodshed, monsters and mercenaries. What were the odds of them meeting under such extraordinary circumstances?
Their chance encounter in the underworld changed both of their lives forever. That's why Eiji was convinced they were soulmates and had been destined to meet, to complete each other.
Two lost souls, one shared fate.
So, his dad would indeed feel his genuine emotions, too. They also shared a deep bond, a bond formed by sharing many happy memories, by sharing their love for athletics and their family. Eiji was sure that his dad would be happy if he saw him now because he had found a new purpose in life, had rediscovered his fighting spirit and, above all, he had recovered from his depression. His dad would still watch over him and his family. Eiji steadfastly believed in that.
After that, he had invited them over for dinner to their new apartment, and they had cooked his dad's favorite food together. Eiji had also prepared natto, much to his mom's and Hana's dismay. Unlike Eiji and his dad, Hana and his mom couldn't stand natto, and the way they wrinkled their noses made Eiji laugh wholeheartedly for the first time after his breakdown.
They had often cooked before he had gone to New York and Eiji noticed how much he had missed it. He had really enjoyed the time with his family, and it had felt as if he had never left as if they had slowly closed the gap between them and had grown closer together. He promised his mom to spend time with them more often from now on.
His mom admired the photos in his apartment and was impressed that they had all been taken by him, praising him that he had a good eye for little details. The only exception was the picture that Ibe had given Ash for his birthday. It hung in their living room, and his mom looked at it for a while.
"You look really happy together. I'm glad you found someone who loves you so much. It's obvious in Ash's eyes. You look like darkness and light, sun and moon. You have dark looks but a bright heart and soul. Ash has bright looks with his blonde hair and pale complexion, but his soul is surrounded by shadows, desperately looking for a way towards the light. That light is you."
"That's a beautiful description. I hope we can all grow closer together."
His mom nodded and ruffled his hair.
"Let's eat, ok?"
So, in the end, while enjoying their meal, he had patiently explained to both of them why he hadn't been able to return home for his dad's funeral and had sincerely apologized to both of them, especially to Hana, who had still been disgruntled about leaving her and his mom all alone and hadn't forgiven him yet.
Eiji had also told Hana about his dangerous life in New York and had been surprised that she hadn't been as shocked as he had imagined. However, he should have known better. Hana had noticed that they had only fed her half-truths and had probably done some research on her own.
Hana had just reminded him that even after all the events in New York, he still had no poker face, so she had known that her brother had left out some essential details. And that she wasn't a kid anymore and learned how to research things online.
He was relieved that his mom had relaxed after visiting his dad's grave and their conversation and saw that he was feeling better. After several attempts to convince their mom, she eventually agreed to allow Hana to go with him to Tokyo. After Eiji's breakdown, she hadn't been so sure anymore if that had been such a good idea.
Eiji had told his mom that he'd love to spend more time with Hana and her from now on, and Hana had argued that it was her chance to get to know Ash better. Luckily, his mom had allowed Hana to go, whose eyes had sparkled with happiness. She had never been to Tokyo before, but all her friends had, so she always wanted to go. However, her mom wouldn't let her go on her own. Tokyo was nearly 400 miles away and a huge city with 14 million inhabitants. So Eiji had had the idea to take her with him and Ash since he had to go to Tokyo anyway to buy some photo equipment you couldn't buy in Izumo.
This trip that he had been planning for weeks was significant to Eiji because he saw it as an opportunity to grow closer to Hana again. When he had left for New York, she had been twelve, and she had grown up a lot since then, and Eiji wished to spend more time with her as siblings. They had always been close, and Eiji didn't want that to change. And it was also an excellent opportunity for Hana and Ash to learn more about each other. For him, his family and Ash needed to get along well because he loved both of them.
Hana was clever, so she had noticed that Ash had evaded some of her questions, and he knew Hana hoped she'd get some answers while traveling with both of them. She had asked him about Ash, but he had just told her that she should ask Ash, not him and that she had to accept that there were moments in his life he preferred not to talk about. However, he also promised her that they'd tell her more about New York on the trip.
He had asked her to think about the places she wanted to visit, and Hana was excited and had already made lists of places, stores, sights and things to buy, many of them involving anime. Hana always teased Eiji about his manga obsession, but she read them herself. She just preferred anime to manga; that was her real obsession. She usually chose normal books like Ash.
Eiji promised both of them that he'd organize the trip and would find a hotel and a train connection, subway tickets, and would make an appointment at the photoshop he needed to visit for some equipment. Ash had read all the books he could get his hands on, and they had started making plans for some of the sights they could visit. He looked forward to planning their trip and the trip itself. He had only been to Tokyo for pole vaulting matches, but he had never seen much of the city itself.
He wondered if Ash would be alright when going to Tokyo. Tokyo was huge, and Ash still wasn't comfortable with big crowds. His paranoia and panic attacks had gotten better, and he was more relaxed now, but he wasn't sure about a major city like Tokyo...
Still, Ash had reminded him that he had been fine in Akita and that he'd be careful. Ash was convinced that as long as he was by his side, everything would work out. Eiji believed in that, too, but he couldn't help but worry a bit.
~ ~ ~
"Have you been crying?"
"You're imagining things. Let's go, or we'll be late."
Ash had just returned home from the airport, where he had said goodbye to Max. He pretended everything was fine; however, Eiji wasn't fooled in the least. The way Ash avoided eye contact and his eerily calm answer told Eiji that he was lying. Ash sometimes fell back into an old routine and lied to him to protect him or because he didn't want him to worry. Old habits died hard, after all. Eiji noticed that he didn't do it on purpose but more instinctively, like on autopilot. It was like small talk where your answer to How are you? automatically would be I'm fine even if you weren't fine.
Eiji saw the truth in his posture, he was tense, and his hands trembled slightly. His shoulders were slumped, and he looked paler than usual.
When Ash wanted to walk away, he gripped his wrist to stop him, gently forcing him to turn around. He softly put a hand on his cheek and scrutinized his face. His green eyes were fairly red-rimmed, and there were some red blotches on his face from crying. Eiji gave him a peck on his nose, then got on his tiptoes, put his hand around his shoulders, and hugged him. Ash immediately relaxed and put his arms around him, too. They stayed like that for a moment.
"No more secrets, Ash. We promised, remember?", he whispered into Ash's ear.
He could feel how Ash flinched after hearing those words; then, his head dropped on his shoulder.
"Sorry, Eiji. I'm just sad Max is gone. It feels as if my family abandoned me again. I know that's not what Max did, that he'll come back. But it was great to have him here. Max was listening to my problems like a real dad. No one else has ever listened to me before. Except for you."
Eiji stroked the back of his head, running a hand through his blonde strands to calm him down.
"Ash, your dad would never abandon you. He'll come back. But he also has a job and a family in the US. Michael misses him, too. He's still a kid and needs him."
"I know. It's just that... I miss him." A single tear ran down his cheek.
Eiji pulled out of the embrace and looked into his eyes for a moment before wiping it away.
"Are you sure you're fine? We can postpone your surprise."
"No, we can't! It has to be tonight. Don't worry, Eiji. I'm feeling better. You always know what to do to cheer me up. Thank you." He smiled softly at him before kissing him.
Eiji was curious what the surprise would be that Ash had mentioned this morning. Ash had even borrowed Ibe's car for a while longer and had smoothed down his hair, so now he looked like a supermodel. He also wore the sweater with the red and black stripes that he so loved. He looked like Kurt Cobain in it. When they had been in a music shop, he'd seen a poster of him in a sweater like that. Ash had often listened to Nirvana back in New York, and Eiji has started to love it, too. Kurt Cobain's voice was so sad it always reminded him of Ash. It had become his comfort music while he had waited for Ash to come home.
Ash drove the car to a restaurant next to the Hinomisaki Lighthouse with a beautiful terrace outside with a fantastic view of the cliffs, the sea and the sunset.
"Ash, that restaurant is too expensive..."
Eiji, I assure you that today, we can afford it, ok? Order anything you like and don't worry about money this evening, ok? It's a special occasion." He put an arm around his shoulders and smiled mysteriously.
"Ash had reserved a table on the terrace. They sat down and enjoyed the view and the soft evening breeze of one of the last late summer nights.
Eiji still wondered which momentous occasion he had forgotten that Ash would remember. Ash never remembered essential dates. Of course, he remembered his birthday or Christmas, but he was terrible at remembering anniversaries or romantic occasions like Valentine's day. Eiji didn't mind since he had expected that behavior from someone as rational and unromantic as Ash. That's why he was so puzzled about what special occasion Ash would remember but that he hadn't figured out yet. It drove him crazy. Ash cast him a knowing glance, then finally decided to put him out of his misery.
"Do you know on which day we arrived here in Japan?", Ash asked him after they had ordered some sparkling wine.
Eiji had to think back and then gasped in surprise, finally remembering why today was a special occasion. Ash grinned mischievously, his eyes sparkling with amusement when seeing his reaction.
"We arrived here exactly six months ago! I'm sorry, Ash, I..."
"It's fine, Eiji. You can thank Hana for that. I wouldn't have remembered that, either, if she hadn't asked me when we arrived here in Izumo. So, enjoy this evening with me, ok?"
Eiji smiled brightly at him and nodded. "Thank you, Ash. That was a sweet idea."
They celebrated with some sparkling wine and enjoyed a great dinner. Ash only drank water after the sparkling wine since he had to drive home. The restaurant was famous for its seafood, so the dinner was delicious. After eating their dessert, Ash grew a bit nervous, which was rare, and Eiji guessed that Ash still had an ace up his sleeve that he hadn't revealed yet. While a faint blush spread across his cheeks, he handed Eiji a little wooden box. It looked ancient, and the name Callenreese was engraved on the top.
Eiji looked at Ash, who grinned like the Cheshire Cat, and watched him curiously.
He opened the box and took the contents out of the box. It was an old silver necklace with a heart-shaped emerald set into it.
"It's a family heirloom. It belonged to my grandparents, who, unlike my disgrace of a father, were kind and warm-hearted but died when I was small. They were proud of their Irish heritage and gave Griffin and me each a necklace that had been in their family for generations.
"Wait a moment? You're Irish?", Eiji gasped out in surprise.
"Oh, yes. I think I've never told you. My dad was a second-generation Irish immigrant."
"That explains a lot."
"How so?", Ash asked curiously.
"I don't know much about Ireland, only what I learned in school. But judging from their history, Irish people are survivors like you. It's where your fighting spirit and your iron will to live comes from. And you're green eyes, probably."
Surprise flashed in Ash's green eyes; then he smiled softly.
"You could be right about that..."
Eiji noticed how Ash looked at the sea before him, a dreamy look on his face. The sun was just about to set, the last rays turning both the sky and the sea into a rainbow of colors from amber to cherry blossom pink to purple to sky blue. In New York, Ash had told him that the sunrise and the sunset were the only things worth seeing in his dark world, and sometimes, he had caught Ash watching the sunset for a long time. Like the last glimmer of hope.
To Ash, it had always been captivating and breathtakingly beautiful, and he looked at it like in a trance, probably while thinking about his last words, before he turned to him again.
Meanwhile, Eiji had taken a closer look at the necklace, inspecting it in detail. It was an Irish symbol from the 17th century. Eiji had seen it before because the symbol was often seen on rings as well.
The necklace was formed by two hands, one on each side, forming a circle. The hands on each side held a heart between their fingers. On the top of the heart sat a crown.
People often got married with them, but depending on which finger you wore it and in which direction the heart was directed, it told other people your relationship status - single, taken, engaged, married.
Yet, Eiji knew that Ash had given the necklace to him not to propose but as a reaction to his breakdown, to show him how much he loved him. Ash wasn't good at love confessions, so he looked for other ways to show him how much he meant to him. By giving him little presents, or inviting him to this restaurant.
A proposal was too early for both of them. Ash hadn't realized yet that Eiji was even thinking about marrying him. And he planned to get engaged or marry when both of them had completed their studies and had a good job as well as a regular income to enjoy their life together. At the moment, both were healing and were just happy together, and that was enough.
"It's so beautiful, Ash. But I can't accept such an ancient necklace from you, Ash. That's too much. And it's a family heirloom..."
"Well, I certainly can't keep it. In my family, we traditionally give it to the person we love. Griff told me to take good care of it and give it to the person I love one day. I thought I'd lost it, but when we visited my old house in Cape Cod, I found it again. I don't know why I pocketed it, maybe because it reminded me of my grandparents..." Ash said, a dreamy look on his face for a moment as if thinking back to his childhood in Cape Cod. Eiji was relieved that Ash's grandparents had been warm-hearted people, at least.
"It's a promise to you, Eiji. Look at the symbols. The heart in the center means love, of course. The crown means loyalty, or, in our times, it's a symbol of trust. And the hands around the heart holding the heart mean friendship. It symbolizes that a perfect relationship is based on love, friendship and trust. I thought you'd love that."
"I do. But can I really accept that?"
"Yes, of course. Eiji, when you broke down and when you had that nightmare, you scared me, ok? Usually, you're cheerful and smiling. I live for that warm and bright smile. But if you need a shoulder to cry on and are suffering, please tell me. I'm always here. It's amazing how you always take care of the people around you and notice when they need help or are in trouble. I admire that in you; it's an incredible talent.
However, you're terrible when you need help, and it's about your own well-being. So, please lean on me if you're not feeling well. The necklace is supposed to remind you that you're not alone and that I'm always there if you need me. Please rely on me as well, ok?"
Ash placed his hand on Eiji's and smiled softly at him. After a moment, his eyes dimmed a little while his eyes were downcast at their hands.
"I know we had a rocky start, and I'm so grateful you've never given up on me. We both suffer from nightmares about the events we experienced in New York and need some time to recover. That necklace is a promise that I'll always stay by your side. I don't know why you want to spend your days with an idiot like me. You deserve someone better than me..."
"Aaaash...", Eiji interrupted him softly, a mild warning resonating in his tone of voice.
"But even if it's a mystery to me why you chose me, I see in your eyes each day that you love me. And I feel the same way. So, it's a promise that no matter what happens in the future, we'll deal with it together. We'll always have each other."
"Forever.", Eiji simply replied, smiling while intertwining their fingers on the table. Ash nodded.
"Thank you, Ash. That is such a sweet idea. How did you even find that restaurant?"
"I have my ways.", Ash said enigmatically, winking at him.
"I feel bad that I don't have anything to give you." Eiji couldn't believe he hadn't remembered this anniversary and felt guilty about it. He avoided Ash's gaze and stared down at the table.
"You have already given me what I wanted."
"Huh? What do you mean?" Eiji immediately looked up again, meeting Ash's eyes.
"Your bright smile is back. That smile that shines brighter than any dawn lighting up my whole world. I've missed it. That's all I need. I want to wake up next to you and see that smile each day. That's all."
Eiji smirked. "So, you'll get up at 7 a.m. with me from now on?"
Ash's face fell, then pure horror was reflected in his widening eyes. Eiji burst out laughing when he saw his panicked face.
"I think I'll rephrase that. I meant the last thing I want to see before going to sleep is your smile." Eiji grinned mischievously. "I love your smile, too, you know. I love how you smile more often now and how it often reaches your eyes. I promise to come to you if I'm not feeling well. And I accept your beautiful present."
He let go of his hand and instead carefully put the necklace into his palm.
"Can you put it on for me?", he asked.
"Yes." Ash stood up, took the necklace and put it around his neck.
"I knew it. It looks great on you." Eiji could feel his cheeks heat up when he saw the genuinely happy smile that he lived for on Ash's face.
The terrace wasn't crowded because the wind blew more strongly tonight, reminding them that fall would soon follow in the last footsteps of summer, so most people preferred to eat inside. After finishing their meal, they went to the end of the terrace. They watched as the sun kissed the ocean, both dancing in all shades of orange, gold and pink before the sun went to sleep in the sea's calm arms, both entities joint in a tight embrace, two powerful forces and sources of life, needing each other to exist.
The last streams of color painted by the sunset danced across Ash, his blonde strands dancing wildly around his face in the evening breeze, gleaming with golden highlights while his eye color changed to emerald green. At the same time, he had his arm around him, looking content with a pleased smile appearing on his lips. For him, Ash was the sunshine coming out of the clouds and warming his soul.
When he stood in the last rays of the sunlight, Eiji wanted to protect that carefree and happy smile on his face for the rest of his life, until the last sunset he would see together with him.
When seeing him like that, Eiji had to think of a phrase he had read in one of Ash's books. Since he wasn't a bookworm like Ash, he couldn't remember the author or the book anymore, but the phrase had stuck with him.
You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.