~ 13.5 k words
TW: panic attack
I'm sorry for updating so late. I always need more time to write emotional scenes. This one is hurt and comfort again, so I hope you're emotionally prepared. But there will be some cute and funny scenes as well.
I added two drawings I did with Procreate. I'll never be a great artist but I had fun drawing them.
Standing on the platform in Tokyo Main station, Eiji immediately noticed something was wrong.
The platform was as crowded as in New York in the afternoon; the infamous rush hour when people hurried home from work was the same in each world city. Endless people were coming and going in all directions. Even if people in Japan were more civilized, and didn't run, push or shove others to the side, the place was still buzzing with a hectic and endless stream of travelers. As soon as they had exited the train, Eiji had looked for a quieter spot to wait for Hana and Ash and to take a moment to read the signs to figure out which platform the Asakusa line, the subway they had to take, would start from.
Eiji had exited the train with Hana in front of him and Ash behind him, careful not to lose either of them and led them to a less crowded spot to study the signs and the subway map. He had assumed that Ash was right behind him but instinctively felt something was wrong when he didn't sense him behind him any longer. He immediately looked behind him, afraid they had lost each other in the crowd.
When he finally found him, he immediately saw Ash acting weird. Hana had noticed him, too, since her next question confirmed it.
"Eiji, what's wrong with Ash?"
Ash stood there a few feet away from them, pale as a sheet and frozen up in fear. Sweat ran down his face, and his right hand was trembling so hard that his bag fell to the ground with a loud thud. His eyes had widened but looked glazed over as he stared into nothingness. His other hand had gripped the necklace Eiji had given him, with the letter E as a pendant that dangled around his neck.
He always put a hand on it if he needed proof that he wasn't alone anymore. That his heart beat in the same rhythm as his own, and their souls were connected forever. The simple jewelry with their initials was nothing special, yet for Ash, who didn't believe in abstract things like soulmates or fate, it was solid proof of their love and happiness. And Ash cherished it and never took it off. Eiji thought it was cute.
That was one of the reasons why Eiji had given the necklace to him. First of all, it symbolized his love, of course. However, it was also a subtle reminder not to deal with everything on his own as he had always done back in the U.S. but to rely on him if something troubled him. The necklace was also a lifeline if darkness overwhelmed him. Now, Ash had one fist clenched so hard around the pendant that his knuckles had turned white. It was a silent cry for help.
"Hana, take our bags, stay here, and wait for me."
"But - " Hana began to complain. Eiji saw in her eyes that she was worried, too, and wanted to help. However, that wasn't possible right now.
"Listen to me. Please. I have to help Ash. It's an emergency!" he said in a voice that didn't take no for an answer. It wasn't an order but an urgent request to listen to him. Then, his voice softened, and he touched her shoulder. "I know you want to help, but you can't. Not right now."
He left his stunned little sister and ran towards Ash, still looking sideways at Hana. But she only stood a few feet away and was within his sight. Hana watched him intently but didn't come closer. She knew from his voice that now wasn't the time to argue.
He approached Ash and calmly spoke to him, but Ash didn't react. His eyes were utterly unfocused, dull, and lifeless while he looked through him instead of at him. Eiji immediately realized that he wouldn't hear a word he'd say. Still, he tried, hoping his voice would get through to him.
"Ash, you're safe." Ash didn't react, as expected, so he took Ash's trembling hand and his bag and slowly guided him to Hana through the crowd and leaned him on a wall under some stairs where no one lingered because it wasn't the way towards the platform nor the exit.
When feeling Eiji's hand in his, Ash's grip on the necklace had loosened, but he hadn't let go yet. Still, he moved along with him and allowed Eiji to lead him to a quieter platform zone. He always recognized Eiji's touch and instinctively trusted him to show him the path to safety back to his side.
Since he could barely stand, Eiji helped him sit down first. Ash crouched down, let go of the necklace, and put his knees up; then he placed his arms around his knees, his right arm gripping his left wrist so hard his knuckles turned white. Eiji knew by now that this was a position to protect himself from harm, his raised knees shielding his body from danger. It was also a way to make yourself small, an attempt to turn yourself invisible in the hopes that you'd be overlooked, hiding in a small corner in the darkness until the danger would pass. Ash had probably used that behavior often when he had been small and defenseless and instinctively remembered it, rooted deeply in his soul.
Even if this wasn't the first time he saw Ash reacting like that, it still brought tears to his eyes, and just for a moment, he froze up and stared at Ash, wondering if taking him to Tokyo had been too early. If this had been his fault... If this panic attack could have been avoided. Still, Ash and he had talked openly about the risks... And that they'd deal with it when the time came... Ash had improved a lot in the last few months, and he had hoped Ash would be fine...
Luckily, Hana's voice pulled him back to reality.
"What's happening to him?" Hana had come closer but still stood some feet away from them, watching how Eiji had crouched down in front of Ash. Eiji was relieved his back was towards his sister, so she didn't see the tears in his eyes. He quickly wiped them away before turning around to her.
"He has a panic attack." When he saw Hana's blank expression, he realized that he had to explain it in more detail to her. He took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. He didn't want to scare Hana and reassure her that he had the situation under control, which he did. Unfortunately, he had some experience in dealing with such a situation—more than he would have liked.
"Ash is scared of huge crowds, so he overreacted. For him, back in New York, huge crowds meant immediate danger. And the station here looks similar to New York. The narrow platform, the huge crowds of people coming and going, the hectic, the noise, people touching and pushing him forward. He was probably reminded of some horrible experience, and it overwhelmed him. That's why he panicked and froze up in fear. In such a situation, Ash's mind tries to protect himself and shuts down. He becomes numb to the outside world so he won't notice anything or anyone else around him."
"But doesn't that mean he won't recognize you, either?" Hana asked, her eyes turning from Ash to him. Eiji hugged her to calm her down.
"Don't worry, Hana. Everything's going to be fine. He always recognizes me even if he needs a moment to do so. I'll take care of Ash. He'll be fine soon. Please trust me. I know how to handle this situation." Eiji smiled at her to reassure her.
"How can you be so calm about it - oh."
Realization flickered in Hana's eyes. "This isn't the first time." Eiji just confirmed this with a slight nod.
"Please don't come closer. Ash won't recognize you in his current state."
Eiji looked at her again, his gaze lingering to ensure she'd listen to him. Hana still looked at Ash, pure worry on her face but then nodded and waited a few feet away. After seeing that she was within his sight, he turned to Ash again.
Eiji placed a hand on Ash's arm and calmly talked to him.
"Ash, can you hear me?"
Ash didn't react, not with words, but his trembling had lessened a little, so he had recognized his voice. Ash had told him once that he didn't hear or remember the words or phrases he said to him in that state, but he did recognize his comforting and soothing voice, which helped him calm down. His voice and gentle touch meant safety to him and slowly but steadily pulled him out of the darkness surrounding him.
Ash had added that, to him, he was like a shining star guiding him toward the light and a safe haven. Both of Eiji's attempts to reach him, meaning his soft and warm voice and his gentle touch, taught him that he wasn't alone, that he was by his side and tried to comfort him. That he didn't judge him but accepted his flaws and weaknesses, even his trauma, and stayed with him, guiding and helping him through this.
Eiji had been relieved that, according to Ash, his mere presence helped him. Of course, he believed his words, yet, at the same time, seeing those words confirmed on his features and in his reaction towards him when he suffered from a panic attack gave him the strength and courage not to give up trying.
He had learned that, to Ash, he was a warm light he saw as a reflection on the water's surface while he was stuck at the bottom of the ocean, surrounded by darkness. Its gentle glow chased away the darkness and encouraged him to move toward it, stretching out his hand. Finally, he felt a warm sensation, fingers caressing his hand, soft to the touch, like an embrace, then squeezing more firmly to guide him back home.
So, Eiji continued talking to him calmly and softly while gently stroking his arm to assure him he was by his side as always. It wasn't easy because he was worried and a little scared. However, he tried his best to keep those emotions out of his voice for Ash's sake because he knew his soft voice soothed him. He touched his cheek with his other hand, pinching it lightly, and called his name again to wake him up from his dazed state. It would take some time, but in the end, Ash would come back to him. He always did in the end.
As expected, Ash's body relaxed a little, his hands around his knees loosening but not letting go. However, that was nothing new to Eiji. Since Ash wasn't his real name, he didn't recognize it in this state. So, if he didn't react to it, he usually tried his real name. Only his brother Griffin had called him Aslan. His brother had truly loved him, so he associated happy memories with that name. That's why hearing that name usually helped him to fight against the darkness and return to him.
"Aslan, can you hear me? You're safe, ok? No one will hurt you! I'll protect you, Aslan. Always."
When Eiji had called his real name several times on purpose, Ash slowly woke up from his stupor, and his eyelids began to flicker. It took a moment longer; then, his eyes gradually changed from dark jade green to the familiar emerald green color that Eiji so loved. After a few seconds, his eyes slowly gained focus. They turned from the dull and spiritless to a clear and attentive expression again, finally managing to focus on his face.
"Ei - ji..." he gasped, his voice cracking while tears ran down his face. His face looked awfully pale, and droplets of sweat were running down his forehead and his temples, but he had defeated the darkness and had returned to him. That was all that mattered.
Eiji smiled softly, relief washing over him. His hands reached for his face slowly, so Ash saw it coming, then wiped his tears away with his thumbs and placed a kiss on his sweaty forehead.
"I'm here. It's okay. You're safe now." He pulled a bit back to meet his gaze, to look into his eyes. He knew that his brown eyes and the pure warmth and honesty revealed in his look were familiar to Ash; it was one thing that helped him focus, a steady sign of hope and love to reassure him that everything was fine. Ash usually needed some time to recover, to realize his surroundings, and to remember what had happened before his panic attack. So, he held his gaze because it was helping him regain control over his body and mind.
He felt how Ash relaxed more and more. His arms let go of his knees, and they slid to the floor. Eiji took both of his hands in his and smiled encouragingly at him.
"Ash, everything is fine. You're safe," he repeated several times, like a mantra, until he saw that Ash had registered his words and nodded quietly.
"Can I hug you?" he asked, always ensuring he had his consent first in such a situation. When Ash nodded again, he kneeled across from him so he was at the same height, put his arms around him, and pulled him closer. He felt how all the tension left Ash's body, and his head dropped on his shoulder. He flung his arms around him, clinging to him, but his trembling slowly improved.
"Sorry... I overreacted... I thought I'd be fine. The huge crowd - I - it looked so similar. It felt as if... back in..." he stammered in a faint voice, needing several attempts because he couldn't stop the tears from running down his face.
"New York. Your memories of the city took you back when you saw the huge crowd, and you panicked, expecting immediate danger," Eiji finished for him, slowly pulling out of the hug, so he saw his face. Ash just nodded and looked down at his knees. His tears had turned into sobs, and little droplets still fell on his jeans, soaking them in a darker shade of blue. Even so, Ash was slowly calming down. Eiji recognized that his breathing was slower now, and his hands were still clasped together but remained still in his lap without shaking. Eiji slowly cupped Ash's chin and lifted his face, smiling encouragingly at him. Then, he wiped away his remaining tears.
"Ash, it's okay. We both knew this could happen. And we talked about what we'd do if such a situation arose. Do you remember what I promised you back then?" he asked to help him focus on their previous conversation instead of his self-loathing.
Ash needed a moment to answer, thinking about their talk from a week ago. Eiji could practically hear the cogs and wheels in his mind turning, his bright mind slowly starting up again, not working at full speed yet. Then, his green eyes lit up when he remembered Eiji's words.
"You told me that if anything happened or I overreacted, you'd be there for me, and we'd overcome everything together," Ash answered, his voice barely a whisper, his eyes finally brightening to their usual color, chasing the rest of the darkness away. Eiji beamed at him.
"Yes, that's right. We deal with everything together. As we've always done." Ash looked at him and finally smiled at him. It was faint and barely visible, but Eiji had seen it.
"Great. Your smile is back. I've missed it. All that matters is that you're feeling better now. So, cheer up, please. This is only the beginning of our trip."
Ash nodded, and a small smile danced on his lips again. Eiji ruffled his blonde hair, then kissed him on his cheek.
"But - All the people staring at us... Doesn't it bother you? What about Hana? I must have scared her."
That was when Eiji noticed Hana staring at them, confusion and relief visible in her eyes. Eiji felt guilty because when helping Ash to calm down, he had forgotten about his little sister for a moment.
Tears pricked at Hana's eyes while she glared at Ash. "You lied to me. You assured me you'd be fine!" Ash flinched and avoided her gaze. Eiji saw in his eyes that he felt guilty about that.
"Sorry – I..." Ash looked at Hana, trying to find the right words. Eiji got up and hugged his sister and stroked her back while she sobbed into his chest. She had never witnessed a panic attack and had probably never even heard of the term. So, she had been shocked to see Ash like that and scared because she had never seen this side of Ash, a vulnerable side that only he knew. Hana had felt powerless because all she could do was stand there and watch instead of being useful and helping Ash. Eiji pulled out of the hug and wiped away her tears before scrutinizing her face.
"Hana, panic attacks can come out of nowhere, so you can't always foresee them. The trigger can be anything: an image or scene, a sound, smell, or taste. Ash believed he'd be fine. However, Ash only left Izumo once, and Tokyo is his first huge city here in Japan. So, if he assumed he'd be fine, it wasn't a lie, right?"
"I guess so... But - " Hana wiped away her tears. She still didn't look at Ash or him but stared at the floor.
"Eiji told me that I couldn't hide in Izumo forever and that I should use my new freedom to see more of the world. He promised me I'd be fine as long as I was with him. I'm really sorry, Hana. I didn't want to worry you. I'll make up for it, ok? I promise."
Hana finally looked into Ash's eyes.
"I was so scared. I didn't know what was going on. Are you fine now?"
"I'm f- " Ash began before feeling Eiji's intense gaze on him that said, 'The truth, Ash.'
He looked at Hana again for a moment before answering.
"I'm better now," he answered honestly. "I'll be fine soon."
"Can you get up?" Eiji asked, scrutinizing his face. He still looked pale, but otherwise, he appeared much better now. Ash took his hand and got up, but still staggered a bit, so he directed him to a bank not far away. When Ash saw the crowds of people, Ash froze up again. Eiji immediately stepped in front of him, blocking his vision, and turned his face towards him.
"Ash, look at me, not at all the people here. You're safe with me. Take my hand, ok?"
"No, that's not - " Ash immediately refused, waving it off with one hand.
"Aslan Jade Callenreese, this isn't the time to argue with me! Take my hand," Eiji said in a low voice with a trace of a warning undertone while his eyes stared intensely into Ash's, not backing down. Ash stared at him for a moment longer; then his gaze dropped to the floor. "You're scary if you look like that."
Eiji's gaze softened, and he leaned closer.
"I'm just worried. Please do as I say. If you take my hand, you'll feel safer and realize you're not alone. That I'm here with you," Eiji whispered into his ear. Then, he added in a normal tone, "Stubborn idiot."
Ash glared at him for an instant but finally accepted his hand. Eiji directed him to an empty bank on the platform and motioned him to sit down. Ash wanted to contradict him again but wisely decided against it, his mouth closing again when he saw his piercing look.
"Sit down. This time, I won't take no for an answer. You look exhausted, Ash. It would be best if you rested for a moment. A panic attack is no joke. Your body and your mind both need a break. The subway runs from here every few minutes. It doesn't matter if we reach our hotel a few minutes later." Eiji gently stroked the back of his hand and smiled at him before sitting down beside him.
"Here, drink this. You'll feel better." Hana was standing opposite them with their luggage and handed Ash a bottle of water. She still looked worried and wasn't sure how to handle such a situation. She was at a loss about what to say to Ash or how to react. Eiji saw it in her eyes. He'd explain everything in more detail to her at the hotel. A crowded station wasn't the right place to do so.
Ash didn't say anything but looked grateful, reaching for the bottle and taking some gulps. He looked like he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. Eiji knew that Ash hated that Hana had seen him like that. Eiji, however, thought that maybe there was a silver lining.
For his little sister, Ash was perfect. He was handsome, smart, and kind. Yet, no one was ever perfect. Some people could just hide their faults and weaknesses better than others. Ash had mastered this skill to perfection and only showed his vulnerable side and his flaws to him.
So, Eiji thought seeing another, more fragile or helpless side of Ash would help her see him like a person, not putting him on a pedestal and adding a label like supermodel or genius on him. Ash might be one of a kind with his superior looks, skills, and intellect. However, Ash's greatest wish was to lead a normal life without being treated differently or seen as extraordinary. Seeing Ash like that left some cracks in her perfect image of him, and she'd relax more around him. She was still a bit careful around him because she knew he had a dark past, and she still wondered who Ash really was, which sides he hid from her, and if he'd get her brother in trouble eventually.
"I'm sorry I destroyed your trip. I only cause trouble for you."
"That's not true!" he and Hana said simultaneously, grinning at each other when they realized it.
"Ash, this isn't your fault. Now, rest a moment, and then, we'll look for the right platform for the Asakusa line and take the subway to our hotel."
While riding the subway to Asakusa, Eiji showed them their hotel on the map and explained where the Sky Tree Tower was. It served two purposes. One was to distract Ash and his overthinking but exhausted mind from his negative thoughts of self-loathing. His green eyes were dark with shadows still lingering, a haunted look on his face, and he still looked pale. Another was to distract Hana, who still glanced at Ash anxiously to ensure he was fine.
Eiji never let go of Ash's hand because he saw how nervous Ash looked on the crowded train. Ash didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. The way his posture stiffened, how he kept quiet during their subway ride and how he tightened the hold on his hand when more people entered their subway car was enough.
The outside of the hotel looked nothing special. It was a skyscraper set in plain colors with countless rows of windows and too many floors to count. It was one of the highest buildings around here and reminded Eiji of the skyscrapers he had seen in New York. The hotel had an impressive and grand entrance, but it looked like one of the numerous hotel chains from the inside, bright and modern, but nothing that stood out.
Hana looked around with sparkling eyes, and he and Ash grinned while watching her. She had never been in such an enormous hotel before and couldn't hide her fascination at all. While Ash looked around with Hana, Eiji checked them in, and they each got a key card for their room. It was a twin room with one double bed and one single bed. It had a bathroom and enough cupboards and a wardrobe to stow away their clothes, a TV, free internet access, and a fantastic view. The hotel overlooked the Sumida river from one side or Asakusa's charming district from the other. Their room faced the river. But that wasn't all that could be seen from their window.
When you walked to the end of the room, passing the bathroom and the beds, you discovered a little table with three chairs arranged in front of a gigantic window that went from the top to the bottom of the room and offered a fantastic view of the river but also of the Sky Tree.
"Wow, that's amazing! You can see the Sky Tree from our window. I didn't know we'd see it from our room!" Ash exclaimed in astonishment while staring out of the window. His mood instantly brightened again, and he relaxed more and more, much to Eiji's relief.
"You're right! That's so cool! Eiji, take a look." Hana beamed at him and motioned with her hand to join them.
Eiji had to smile at their excited reactions. Ash looked as if he had never seen a skyscraper or a broadcasting tower in his life. He was basically pressing his nose to the window like a little kid while his eyes widened in surprise. Hana, of course, copied his behavior.
Since he had booked the hotel, he had known that their room offered a view of the Skytree. However, he had kept this little detail to himself because he wanted to see their surprised faces. Looking at their expressions now, it had been totally worth it.
"If you press your noses any harder against the window, you'll fall from the 20th floor," he chuckled, enjoying their excitement. "It looks even more amazing at night when the Sky Tree is illuminated. Unfortunately, we don't have a balcony, but the view makes up for it, right?"
Eiji put an arm around both of them and enjoyed the view.
"Yes, it does," Ash said, giving him one of those rare smiles that reached his eyes. He looked much better now. Color had returned to his cheeks, and the tension had left his features and his posture.
"Stay still; I'll take a photo of you two with the Sky Tree in the background. Ash, smile, ok?"
After that, Ash took one of him and Hana after he had taught him how to use his professional camera. When Ash had argued he could just take a photo with his phone, he had scowled at him. Ash was satisfied with taking simple snapshots; however, he, as a photography student, wanted to take high-quality and more professional photos. Maybe he could make a photo book out of their trip or give one of them to his mom. Or he could use some of them for college later on. And he wanted to show some of them to Ibe.
Ash sighed in defeat and used his camera. Hana, however, convinced him way too easily for his liking to take a selfie together, telling him that he should stop acting like an old man and keep up with modern times. Before Eiji had the chance to complain, she had dragged Eiji into the selfie and took one with her phone. Still distracted by looking at the photos on his camera's screen, he had been totally caught off guard when Hana had pulled him close with an arm around his waist. In the picture, he looked utterly surprised, with wide eyes and mouth dropping open.
"Delete that!"
"No, besides, I've already uploaded it to a cloud," she replied, shooting him a naughty look. "I'm a perfectly connected high-tech teen, you know? Not an old geezer like you. And I'm sure that Ash approves."
She showed the photo to Ash, and he nodded. "She's right. I do. You look cute. I mean, both of you." A slight blush crept up Hana's face when she heard that, but she quickly turned away. Not quickly enough for Eiji to notice it, though.
"And that's your usual reaction when you're surprised or taken off guard. It's funny. Your eyes look like one of the characters in your manga. You usually pose for the camera, so a photo with your spontaneous reaction is refreshing."
"I just don't like embarrassing photos of me. Unlike a certain someone, I don't look flawless and picture-perfect in every photo. It's so unfair. And shouldn't you be on my side?" Eiji complained, trying to shove his lower lip upwards into a pout.
Ash smirked at him in mock satisfaction. "You look even cuter when pouting. Especially if you're angry. And I'm always on your side. I just love spontaneous photos of you much better. They show your natural beauty. Even if you think you're not as handsome as I am, your pure soul outshines mine. You see it in your warm eyes and your smile that shines brighter than Tokyo's skyline. Besides, you and Hana looked great together. It would be a shame to delete it. You two really look alike and close in the photo. You should send it to your mom. She'll love it."
Eiji couldn't help but smile at him. He decided to send the photo to their mom. Then, he turned serious again and looked at Hana, feeling slightly uncomfortable, before asking her for a favor.
"Please keep Ash's reaction from mom when we call her, ok?"
Hana gave him a knowing look. "So, you want me to lie to her?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.
"No, that's not it. I - " Eiji stumbled over the words, his guilty conscience reminding him that telling his little sister to lie or hiding the truth hadn't been a good idea at all... He should serve as a good example, and such behavior was not admirable. Even worse, it was morally questionable... Then, Hana pulled him out of his guilt trip when she smiled at him in understanding and nodded.
"Don't worry; I was just kidding, Eiji. I'm not stupid. If I told mom about Ash's panic attack, she'd tell us to return home immediately. I want to spend time with you and Ash and enjoy this trip. I absolutely won't miss my chance to see Tokyo and go shopping here, no matter what!" Eiji was taken aback by the intense look of fierce determination in her eyes.
"Besides, forgetting to mention a little detail of our trip isn't exactly lying, right?" she asked, with a spark of mischief in her eyes.
Eiji grinned at her in amusement. She could be as blunt and straightforward as Ash, sometimes. It's probably why they got along so well.
"I think we have a bad influence on you. I don't want to hide anything from mom. I'll tell her the truth when we're back," he promised her. Hana just nodded. "Fine with me."
"Hana, about what you've just said. Do you even know what a panic attack is?" Ash asked her quietly, sitting down on one of the beds. Hana looked down, avoiding his gaze, then shook her head. "I don't. I just heard Eiji call it that."
"Maybe you could try to explain it to her? Even if it's not easy? Hana was really scared and is still worried about you." Eiji looked at him, waiting for his reaction, and put an arm around his waist for comfort.
"I'd do it for you, but I've never experienced anything like that, either. I've just learned to recognize the tells when you have one." They sat on the bed next to him, he on his left and Hana on his right.
"I felt so powerless because there wasn't anything I could do... I was no help at all..." Hana stared down at her clenched hands, avoiding his gaze. Ash put an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer.
"Hana, to be honest, I'm glad that you haven't experienced anything like that. It means you have led a peaceful and carefree life up to now. Even if you think your life is a bit boring at times, you should appreciate that more. You had parents that loved you and always protected you. That's the greatest gift, you know? I'm really sorry you had to see that side of me. I wished I could rewind time and delete that moment. I didn't want to scare you. I probably wouldn't have recognized you even if you had tried to help me. It also took me a while until I recognized Eiji. I'll try to explain it to you."
Ash's hand trembled a bit while he bent forward and buried his face in his other hand, his elbow resting on one of his knees, lost in thought. Eiji knew he was trying to come up with a simple explanation that would help Hana. Explaining something like that wasn't easy, and Eiji wouldn't have asked him to do so. However, Ash himself had approached the subject first by asking Hana if she knew what the term panic attack meant. He had probably addressed the difficult topic because he had seen how Hana had looked at him, overseeing his every move since entering this room.
Hana placed her hand on top of his and looked into his eyes.
"Ash, you don't have to do it if it's too hard." She looked at Eiji for confirmation. "Maybe it's too early to talk about it? I'd like to know more about it, but I don't want to pressure him..."
Eiji gently put a hand on his shoulder. "Hana's right, Ash. Only do it if you're fine with it."
Ash nodded, then placed his head on his shoulder. Eiji gently ran a hand through his hair, feeling how Ash relaxed again.
"Give me a moment to think. It's hard to describe to people who've never experienced this." Ash lifted his head again, then took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again.
"A panic attack is a feeling of sudden and intense anxiety. Or raw fear so intense you freeze up and stop whatever you are doing. Panic attacks can be triggered by anything, a sudden smell, a touch, a sound, or any other sensation that reminds you of a terrifying moment in your life. It can have physical symptoms like shaking, disorientation, nausea, an irregular and rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, breathlessness, sweating, and dizziness."
Eiji intertwined their fingers and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. When Ash spoke like that, he suffered in silence and hid behind facts and figures to shield himself from the pain. Then, his description sounded like a dictionary entry he had memorized, and his voice turned monotone and robotic, devoid of emotion. Ash looked up at him in surprise. When meeting his gaze, As's features immediately softened, and his stiff posture loosened up. He nodded at him in understanding, then smiled gratefully at him.
After taking a deep breath, he turned to Hana again, who looked at him with some concern.
"It varies from person to person and their individual experiences. It paralyzes you, and you lose control over your body and mind. It's as if you're thrown back into the most terrifying memory you desperately wanted to forget with no way to escape."
"That sounds horrible. So your trigger is huge crowds?"
"Yes, you could say that. Back in NYC, people aiming to kill me often hid in huge crowds. It's the easiest and most efficient way. It happened on a regular basis. So, huge crowds mean immediate danger to me. It's hard to shake off such a feeling when you grew up with it. And, as you've probably noticed, I fear touch. Until I met Eiji, touch meant pain and suffering to me, so it wasn't anything positive. And I've never known what safety felt like until I met Eiji." Hana glanced at Eiji, who smiled at her.
"Not everyone leads peaceful lives as we do. Ash had a hard life full of suffering and pain. I desperately wanted to get him out of that world and show him that Japan is a peaceful place where no one will harm him and where he can feel safe and have a new beginning."
"I've learned that Japan is a peaceful country, and I feel safe here. However, If people bump into me or touch me out of nowhere, I usually still overreact and instinctively defend myself. Or I freeze up and panic. Seeing the crowd, raw fear shot through me, and everything around me turned into pitch-black darkness. I just froze up and didn't notice anything around me anymore. Not even you or Eiji. It felt as if I was falling into a dark pit and drowning in a sea of eternal darkness. I couldn't breathe or move. Many images flashed through my mind of memories that I desperately wanted to forget. It felt like I was tied up with shackles fixing me to that darkness, and I was all alone, unable to fight back and save myself."
Hana shivered and clenched her fist. "That must be a terrifying experience. But to me, it just looked like you froze up. I didn't know a panic attack could look like that." Hana looked at Eiji, a thousand questions reflected in her eyes.
"That's because Ash had a silent panic attack, Eiji explained patiently to her.
"Silent?" she asked in confusion. "What does that mean?"
"It means that Ash doesn't show obvious signs like crying or hyperventilating. He usually suffers in silence and on the inside, without any visible symptoms that are easy to spot. I usually only recognize it because I know him really well and know what to look for. Ash's eyes are usually unfocused and look into the void. He looks through me instead of at me. He freezes up, and his body trembles slightly. And he always clutches the pendant of the necklace I gave him and doesn't notice anything around him."
"However, I always recognize Eiji's voice even if it's faint and coming from far away at first." Ash looked at him, smiling sadly; however, Eiji saw the gratitude in his green eyes. "I don't hear what he's saying, but his tone of voice calms me down. Same with his touch."
"That's why I talked to Ash nonstop, so he knew I was by his side and he wasn't alone. Ash always calms down slowly when he recognizes my voice and touch."
"I'm sorry, Ash, that you experienced something like that. Still, Eiji knew exactly what to do and how to handle that. Before going to New York, he would have panicked when confronted with such a situation. And he would have cared about other people's reactions, always trying to please everyone. Yet, this time, he remained perfectly calm and immediately took action. He didn't care what people thought or that they were staring at him, either. He only focused on you. I like that confident side of you, Eiji. That was a moment where you seriously impressed me. I didn't know you could be brimming with confidence and give out orders like that. It looked like you had done that all your life. Giving commands and taking the lead."
"Hana..." Eiji replied, at a loss for words. That was unexpected and had caught him by surprise. Ash chuckled softly, amused by Hana's description.
"You didn't see Eiji ordering my gang around if I wasn't there. It was fascinating. He ordered them around like it was his second nature."
"Ash! Stop that! You're overdramatizing everything!" Eiji said, feeling how his cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. "It wasn't like that."
"That's not what I saw." Ash laughed at him, amused by his flustered state.
"Eiji, you've hidden some interesting sides from me. One last question, Ash. Why did Eiji call you Aslan?"
Ash turned around to Eiji, stunned. "You did? Why?"
"I think I've never told you that, but during a panic attack, you don't react to Ash, probably because it isn't your real name. So, I tried using Aslan because that usually gets a reaction from you."
"Oh, I didn't know. Makes sense, though. Aslan is a name from happier times."
"My real name is Aslan Jade Callenreese. The last name is Irish. But I prefer Ash for now. Maybe I'll change it again into my real name one day," he explained, turning in Hana's direction.
"Thanks for explaining it to me, Ash. I could see that it was hard for you, but I understand it better now." She smiled gratefully at him.
"That's great. I'm relieved because you don't look at me with that worried look anymore."
"You still look a bit pale. Rest a bit while we call home. That will take longer anyway, knowing my mom, Eiji said, his face falling and his eyes darkening.
"Eiji's right. She'll probably give us a never-ending lecture about the crimes of a big city, stranger danger, bad districts, and dark alleys." Hana rolled her eyes at that.
Ash hesitated and was about to complain when Eiji took his hand and looked into his eyes.
"Please, Ash. You're better now, but you still look pale. Or do you want to faint on the Sky Tree? It doesn't have to be for long, but it would help you recover, ok? A panic attack exhausts you. I can see the fatigue in your eyes. Please listen to me and lie down for a bit."
Ash cast him a dirty look but eventually obeyed and lay down on the bed with a book. "Whatever."
After only a few minutes, Ash had fallen asleep. Eiji cast a worried glance at Ash. He wondered if he'd be okay with a bit of rest. He'd love to show Ash the Sky Tree at sunset. Even if Ash had never been as romantic as him, he had always loved sunrises and sunsets back in New York. So, he wanted to show him a perfect sunset in Tokyo. The weather today was perfect. Yet, when he glanced at Ash's pale complexion, he wondered if a little rest would be enough... From experience, he had learned that Ash was exhausted after one of his panic attacks. Would a little rest be enough...?
Hana gently touched his shoulder and pulled him out of his thoughts.
"I'll call mom. I can handle her lectures about Tokyo and her warnings about the endless dangers we'll face on my own. You take care of Ash. I can see that you're worried about him. Stay with him until he wakes up."
Eiji assumed that his surprised look had given him away because Hana wore a smug look on her face for a moment, proud she had hit the mark. Then, she turned serious again as she looked directly into his eyes.
"Besides, you must be exhausted as well, Eiji. You helped Ash through his panic attack, which probably took a lot of effort. Get some rest, too, ok? I wanted to call my best friend Ayumi anyway to tell her about our plans here. She wanted to recommend a few fashion shops to me."
"When did you become so responsible? I feel like the little brother here, although I'm older than you."
"You've always been my little, innocent brother, even if you're older. I've always wanted to protect you because you're too selfless and kind-hearted for this world. I've always been worried about you getting hurt because you always comfort others and help them out, but you never think of yourself."
Eiji was a bit shocked because her words were so similar to the ones he had used in his farewell letter to Ash.
You're way bigger, smarter, and stronger than me, but even so, I always felt like I had to protect you.
He smiled softly at her, then hugged her, glad she didn't see the tears pricking at his eyes.
"Hana... Thank you." Eiji only realized now how tired he was, confirming this with a yawn.
"It's fine. You have no poker face at all. You're as easy to read as an open book. You're honest, and when dad's condition got worse, you always managed to distract me and cheer me up. However, it had been hard on you, too. You practically ran the household all by yourself because mom had to work again to support us. And I was too young to help you. Now it's my time to pay you back. You felt that Ash is suffering, right? He probably has nightmares from his – how did you call it – panic attack?"
"Yes, but how did you – "
Hana crossed her arms in defiance and glared at him.
"First, I'm your sister and grew up with you. And second, you have the most open face I've ever seen. Even the tiniest emotion is written on your face. You're an open book. Reading your face is way too easy."
"So, people keep telling me... " Eiji muttered.
"Go help Ash, dummy. He needs you more than I do. Ash is harder to read, but after being confronted with bad memories, I can't imagine a good rest will be easy for him. I mean, I wouldn't be able to sleep after facing such bad memories. The memories will probably haunt him, right?"
"Yes, you're right. I didn't know you were this perceptive. You can see through his poker face, too."
"Not as well as you do, but I'm trying. But I'm your sister, so we share some talents."
Eiji smiled and put an arm around her, pulling her closer. "Thanks for looking out for me. Sometimes, I'm so focused on Ash that I forget to care for myself. I'll listen to you and get some rest."
When approaching the bed, Eiji had to grin at Ash's nerdy look. His glasses were shoved up his head at risk of falling at any second, and an open book covered his face. Eiji carefully disentangled Ash's glasses from his hair and put them on a bedside table next to him. He also removed the book from his face and lay it on the same table.
Only then did he lay down next to Ash and slide under the covers. Even if Ash had fallen asleep, he immediately snuggled closer to him, feeling his warmth. Eiji put an arm around him and pulled him closer.
Meanwhile, Hana went to the window with the view of the Sky Tree, called their mom, and sent her some of the pictures. He heard some snippets of the conversation. While he slowly drifted to sleep, their mom wanted to know every detail, and from his sister's answers and continuous eye rolls, he could conclude that their mom gave her lectures on what to do and what to avoid, how dangerous a world metropole was, and so on.
Ash shifted and mumbled his name before pulling him closer and placing his head on his chest. However, he didn't wake up. Eiji ruffled his blonde hair, noticing how Ash slept more soundly now. His breathing was slower and deeper now, a sign that he was sleeping peacefully now.
After half an hour, he woke up again and felt much better. When he asked about the call to their mom, Hana rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.
"Mom gave me a neverending lecture about Tokyo, as expected. You owe me for that. Oh, and she also said I should look out for you," she whispered, winking at him.
"It's not like I've lived in NYC for two years," Eiji muttered.
"I don't think mom sees you as a good example. You've been kidnapped AND shot while in New York. And you brought an infamous bad boy back with you."
Hana looked at Ash, who was sleeping peacefully next to him now, oblivious to their conversation. It showed how exhausted he was but also that he felt safe. Or he wouldn't sleep through this.
"Eiji, was Ash really a gang leader? I mean, look at him. He looks nothing like the person in those photos I found online. In those photos, he had a dangerous and piercing glint in his eyes, and his look was ice-cold and devoid of emotion. They called him a killing machine and a devil. It's hard to believe that this sleepyhead is the same person."
Eiji grinned at her.
"I know what you mean. Ash always wore a poker face back in New York that gave nothing away. It was a protective shield to survive in his cruel world. I'm happy his poker face has melted away, and he can be himself here."
"He looks better now. Some color has returned to his face. Do we wake him up?"
"No, not yet. Let him rest a bit while we unpack our things. He can do it later."
He slowly stood up, careful not to wake Ash up. He put the covers over him and placed a peck on his forehead. Ash smiled faintly but kept sleeping. Then, they quietly unpacked their luggage and placed it on different shelves.
After that, they rested a bit. Ash needed a little break even if he insisted that he was fine, that stubborn idiot. While Ash was still sleeping, Eiji read a guidebook about Tokyo next to him and studied the map surrounding their hotel while Hana texted or chatted with some of her friends.
After another thirty minutes, Eiji woke Ash up. Or tried to. At first, he got no reaction, as always. Ash just turned away from him and buried his face in the pillow. Eiji just smirked and removed the pillow from under his head with a quick move of his hand. That got a reaction all right.
Ash shot up, his green eyes glaring wildly at Eiji, his burning gaze boring into him, a firestorm raging in his eyes. Eiji was used to it, so he wasn't fazed by it at all. Hana, however, dropped her phone to the floor in surprise and stared at Ash in shock, gaping at him.
"We're in Tokyo, remember? Please wake up, ok?" He gently ruffled his blonde hair. "If you can glare at me like that, you're probably fine."
As soon as Ash saw his face, his gaze softened. Even so, he still grumbled in a bad mood, "That was not a nice wake-up call, removing my pillow like that. I'll file a complaint at the information desk." He grabbed the pillow and threw it at him, but Eiji ducked in time, smiling victoriously.
"Whatever. I don't work here anyway. And waking you up is a real challenge, your royal grumpiness. You should rather thank me that I saved your glasses." Eiji pointed at the bedside table where he had placed the book and his glasses.
"You're sure you did that for my benefit or your own?" Ash asked, leaning closer with a devilish grin on his face. Eiji felt his cheeks burning as always if Ash leaned so close and gave him that flirty, playful look.
"Fine, I admit that I also did it for my sake. If they break and you can't read anymore, you're like a kid who wants to be entertained non-stop and gets bored easily. As long as you have books and can learn something new, you're much easier to handle."
Ash just shot him an annoyed look and yawned again. "Is this a nice way of saying I'm a pain in the ass?"
"No, it's a nice way of saying that living together with a genius is a challenge sometimes. But it also has its advantages. I don't need to make a grocery or shopping list because my smart boyfriend saves it in his personal cloud and remembers everything perfectly. And you can uncover every detail of old memories like it was yesterday. I could ask you which manga I read on September 23, 2019, and you'd tell me not only the manga title and the author but the page I started reading and the page I finished. And its contents. It's fascinating."
Ash's look had softened at that, but he still yawned and rubbed at his eyes.
"Is Ash always like that when waking up? I nearly fell from my bed when seeing that death glare. If looks could kill, you'd be dead now, Eiji."
"No, that was just the light version since Ash only slept for an hour. Usually, it's much worse. I guess you'll see for yourself tomorrow morning." Eiji declared with some amusement, chuckling softly.
"I hope I'll survive that," Hana muttered in a low voice. Ash yawned and leaned on him, still sleepy.
"Ash, don't fall asleep again, ok? Are you feeling better?" Eiji asked, and Ash nodded.
"Then make yourself presentable."
"Huh? Why?" Ash looked at him in confusion, and Hana burst out laughing.
Ash's hair was messy, and blonde strands were sticking out on his head and sides, basically from everywhere. Eiji wondered how Ash had managed that within 60 minutes. It looked ridiculous but also so domestic and adorable that he couldn't hide his smile.
"Wow, Ash gives the term bed head or out-of-bed-style an entirely new meaning," she giggled. "It's kind of cute." Ash shot her a dirty look.
"Don't use your death glare on my sister, Ash. Hana's right. Change your shirt and smooth down your hair a bit."
"Whatever." He looked through his clothes for a new shirt before going to the bathroom, moving on autopilot like a robot. Eiji just shook his head and grinned. Hopefully, he'd find the bathroom in that dazed state without colliding with the door.
When he returned, he wore a new shirt, and his hair looked less messy. Eiji didn't like the look on his face, though. However, he hadn't time to ask him because that's when his cell phone rang. Eiji saw on the display that it was Ibe. He picked it up and put it on speaker mode, so they all could listen to it.
"Hey, everyone. Have you arrived at the hotel yet?"
"No, we accidentally took the wrong train, and now we're in Kyoto," Ash answered, sarcasm dripping off his words, shaking his head incredulously. Eiji elbowed him in the ribs and gave him a dirty look while Hana giggled.
"Don't worry; Ash was kidding. Everything's fine. We're here."
"Great. Did you get your surprise? And my letter?"
"Yes, I did. And I should be mad that you conspired against me..." Eiji complained, feigning annoyance.
"Your cheerful voice betrays you, Ei-chan. I'm looking forward to seeing you. Look, I left some info about the exhibition at your hotel for you. The university is not hard to find, but the exhibition has many participants, so it's not easy to find my location. Check with the reception, ok?"
"Ok, thanks. I will. I'm looking forward to it."
"I'm sorry, Eiji, I have to go. Oh, and Ash, I have a surprise for you. See you on Saturday." click.
"A surprise for me? Not you?" Ash asked curiously, glancing at him. Eiji shrugged his shoulders and slowly shook his head.
"I don't know anything about that."
"Why did he leave it at the reception? That's so old school. Why not just send a PDF file by e-mail? Or a link to a cloud?" Hana asked curiously.
"Hana's right," Ash agreed. "Why didn't he send a telegram like in the 50s or carve it into stone like in the middle ages? Ash shook his head in disbelief. "I know Max and Ibe aren't geniuses regarding computers, but that's a bit... beyond old school..."
"Ibe is up to date when it concerns his profession, but otherwise, he's not the kind of guy who likes to use digital means or social media."
"Sounds strangely familiar," Ash teased him. Yes, he admitted, he was someone who preferred physical copies of his photos as well. Digital images often lacked in quality and got lost over time. And who knew if you could still access those photos in 50 years, given the quickly changing technology, equipment, and software? Physical copies would also be available in the future. It was a safer way of storage. Ash, being a bookworm who despised digital books, should understand that.
"Hey, I might prefer physical photos, but I also have several social media accounts, just so you know!" he exclaimed stubbornly.
"You do?" Hana and Ash asked, gaping at him in surprise. Eiji smirked at them. He loved their shocked reactions and grinned smugly at them.
"Yes, and if you're nice, I'll let you take a peak eventually. You can respect traditional techniques and still take advantage of new and more advanced methods. They're not mutually exclusive."
"So, can I go to the reception and pick up the envelope?" Hana asked cheerfully, giving him her most angelic smile. Eiji knew she wanted to look around the hotel, and this was her best chance. It was her first stay at a hotel, and she was dying to explore it.
Ash was about to say no, but Eiji stopped him by putting a hand on his arm and shaking his head.
"Yes, you can go. But please take your smartphone and a key card with you. And remember our floor and the room number."
Hana looked at him, completely baffled. "Really? I assumed you'd say no, given mom's strict instructions never to leave my side."
"Well, first, mom's not here, and I see things more relaxed. And second, you're responsible, smart, and, above all else, I trust you. Please be back in 30 minutes. Or we're going to miss the sunset I've promised you."
"Great! Thanks, Ei!" Hana ran out of the room before he could change his mind.
Ash grinned. "She only calls you Ei if she wants something from you. Or if you gave her what she wanted to achieve."
"You do the same, only you stretch my name endlessly and raise our voice's intonation like at the end of a question. Or you call me oniichan.
"Well, I can't argue against that. But is that really ok?"
"Ash, this is a big hotel chain in a good part of the city. So, many kids her age stay here with their families. It's important to give her some freedom. I thought you'd understand that best. I know you're worried, but this is not New York. And Hana is cautious and smart. I trust her unconditionally."
Ash smiled sadly and nodded.
"And now tell me why you looked so sad before Ibe called. Your eyes had darkened, and you clutched the hem of your shirt so hard your hand trembled.
"Oh, that. That was nothing. Never mind." He stubbornly stood up and turned away from him.
"Ash?" Eiji gripped his arm and pulled Ash towards him. Ash stumbled but wouldn't look at him. Eiji lifted his head and looked into his eyes. "Tell me what's wrong."
That's when a single tear slid down his right cheek. Eiji pulled him closer and hugged him.
"I'm sorry, Eiji. I lost it. I've never taken it off. How could I lose it?" he sobbed quietly, letting his head fall onto his chest.
"What are you talking about?" Eiji wanted to pull away so he could look into his eyes, but Ash didn't let go of him, and he felt that his arms around him were trembling.
"The necklace you gave me. It's not around my neck any longer. I must have lost it."
Ash finally let go of him but didn't meet his gaze, staring at the floor instead.
Eiji cupped his chin and looked into his eyes. The storm raging in them nearly caused him to flinch. Ash looked so devastatingly sad that it broke his heart. Another tear ran silently down his cheek.
To Ash, that necklace had been the first gift after he had confessed his feelings to him, and they had moved on from friends to a romantic relationship. It was a physical symbol of his love. A definitive proof he could look at when the darkness returned, and he started having doubts again, wondering if he was worthy of his love. That was why Eiji had engraved a little forever in each other's initials.
Eiji was also painfully aware of the fact that this was the first gift he had ever received without any strings attached or any twisted favors in return. So, this little silver necklace they both possessed with a small pendant of each other's initials wasn't anything special, but, to Ash, it was his most-priced possession and invaluable. He knew that little piece of jewelry meant the world to him. It was a symbol of love and hope, a new beginning. A pendant that held an unwritten message, an everlasting promise—that they'd be together forever.
Eiji also wore his necklace every day, but he took it off at night or when running in the mornings. Ash, on the other hand, always wore it, even while sleeping at night. Eiji had never seen him take it off. It was Ash's silent way of telling him without words how much he appreciated this gift and especially his unwavering love.
So, of course, Eiji had noticed at once when it had dropped to the floor at the station, and he had picked it up for him. He had just forgotten to return it to him. He gently stroked Ash's blonde hair to calm him down, then took the necklace out of his jeans pocket.
"Ash, please relax, ok? I have the necklace here. You dropped it at the station. But you clung to it so hard with your fist that the clasp broke."
Eiji held it out to him and placed it in his right palm. Ash looked at it, and Eiji saw the relief on his face and his eyes sparkling with happiness. Then, he confirmed that he really couldn't put it around his neck anymore by trying to put it on.
"Damn! Can it be repaired?"Ash asked, staring at the broken closing mechanism and trying to fix it, but his attempts were futile. A part had broken off, so the only way was to replace it.
"Probably. Or we could buy a new one."
"Definitely not!" Ash exclaimed a bit too harshly, glaring at him angrily. Eiji just smiled knowingly at him. He had expected that reaction from him. He loved how much he treasured this simple piece of jewelry. And he only got this angry and such an intense spark in his eyes because it was irreplaceable to him.
He gently stroked Ash's hair, and Ash leaned on his shoulder.
"Sorry, Eiji. This was your first gift to me after you confessed your feelings to me. I have many precious memories connected to that necklace."
"I think I just walked into the film set of a Korean drama," Hana replied, closing the door. Yet, her voice was brimming with amusement. Eiji had frozen up for a moment. He hadn't even heard her unlock the door and immediately felt guilty. Before he could reply, Hana grinned at him.
"Don't worry; it's cute how you're there for each other. I hope I'll find someone one day who loves me like that. "What's with the necklace in your hand, Ash? Isn't that the one you always wear? Is it broken?"
Ash just nodded. "Let me see the necklace, Ash. Maybe I can fix it."
"How?" Ash wondered aloud, looking curiously at her but hesitating for a moment, the necklace still in his hand.
"I thought you trusted me, too?" she pouted before holding out a hand to him.
"Sorry, I do." He placed the necklace in her hand, and Hana inspected it from all sides. Then, her eyes widened and lit up. A small smile dawned on her face.
"The closing mechanism is broken, not the necklace or the pendant. I can easily replace that."
"You can? How?" Eiji asked in amazement.
Hana rolled her eyes at them. "I'm a girl."
"Meaning what exactly?" Ash asked in confusion, casting a glance at him, who was as lost and just shrugged.
"Meaning that I wear more jewelry than you guys and know how to replace parts of it since I can't afford to buy a new one each time something breaks." She sat down on one of the beds.
"Here, look more closely. This is a regular lobster clasp." She showed him the broken clasp to prove her point. Eiji sat down next to her and leaned closer to see it, too.
He and Ash looked at each other, and Eiji was relieved to see a blank expression on his face. Usually, Ash knew more than him, but this time, he stared at Hana questioningly.
"Lobster what?" they asked in unison.
Hana burst out laughing. "Your faces. Priceless. "Sorry, I forgot for a moment that I'm the only girl here," she added, still grinning and giving them an amused look. "But let me enjoy this triumph for a moment. Makes me feel way smarter and superior for once." She smirked in mock satisfaction at them.
"Haaanaa..." Eiji stretched out her name and left it hanging in the air for a moment before rolling his eyes at her. Ash chuckled at them. Their bickering had lit up Ash's mood, and he had cheered up again, so Eiji was relieved.
"The clasp is a lobster claw clasp, obviously because it resembles a lobster's claw. It's a pretty regular clasp. I'm sure I can replace it. Wait for a moment, ok? I'll be right back."
After a moment, Hana returned with her cosmetic bag, rummaged around for a moment, and triumphantly held up a similar clasp and attached it to Ash's necklace with some nail scissors like a pro within seconds.
"Here you go. At home, I have more professional equipment to fix something like that. The color doesn't match your silver necklace, though. It's not perfect, but for now, it will do. I'm sure you'll find a store here that will replace it."
"It's fine; I like it the way it is."
"But don't you want it repaired by a professional? At a jewelry shop?" She looked at Eiji for help.
"Ash doesn't want to repair it because he appreciates your help and wants to show you how grateful he is. In his past, people always requested a twisted favor or payback. But you did it without asking for anything in return. That kind of generosity is still new to Ash." Ash nodded in confirmation.
"Eiji is much better at explaining it with words. But he's right. Most people doing favors have ulterior motives. I'm still learning that people here do favors because they're friends or just want to cheer up someone. Without any strings attached. They just have a good heart overflowing with kindness. Like you and Eiji."
While Hana stared at him in shock, Ash was utterly oblivious to her reaction because he was busy checking the necklace for other weak spots. He inspected the necklace from all sides, then beamed at her, holding it up for a moment.
"It looks great. And now I can wear it again. Thank you. You're the best!" He rewarded her with his rare but radiant smile that only a selected few people had ever seen. A warm and bright smile that could change the universe or light up the whole city. Hana's cheeks flushed bright red, and she immediately looked away. Eiji grinned when seeing that.
Ash had rarely smiled before coming to Japan, and while he had learned how to use his superior looks to his advantage, he still had no idea what kind of effect his pure and warm smile had on people. Himself included. It was kind of adorable.
When Ash fumbled around with the clasp for a moment, Hana turned to him again.
"You – you want me to put it on for you?"
Ash stared at her in surprise, then smiled and nodded. Ash turned around so Hana could sit behind him, and she put the necklace around his neck and closed it.
"Thanks," he said, turning around again.
"So, an IQ of 180 is great for academics but not necessarily for putting on jewelry. That's fascinating."
Ash glared at her, and Hana grinned.
"I'm a girl, so I have an endless amount of jewelry, even if most of it is cheap fashion jewelry and not worth anything. I often fix broken parts for my friends and me. I saw your face when you noticed that it was broken. You looked like the world had ended. The necklace must be special to you. During your panic attack, you gripped it so hard that your hand was shaking. Like a lifeline you desperately needed to survive. It was a present from Eiji, right?"
Ash smiled sadly and touched the pendant, slowly moving it from left to right on the chain and back again while nodding.
"Yes, Eiji gave it to me when he confessed his feelings to me, and we started dating. It reminds me that I'm not alone anymore. That I found happiness. Something I've never thought possible..."
Hana chuckled. "You mean you flew across the world to a country utterly foreign to you, moved in together, and only then you finally started dating? Maybe no one has ever told you that, but the usual dating etiquette is that you date first to get to know each other and then move in together as the second step. And only as a third step, you fly across the world to another continent with the one you love. There are rules, you know?"
"Says the one with the most dating experience," Eiji countered with a smirk, and Hana smacked him on the back of his head.
"Ouch!"
"I must have copied the lack of dating experience from my brother. The only thing you loved with 14 was pole vaulting."
"That sounds like Eiji," Ash commented with a smirk, earning a dirty look from him in return.
"And we've already lived together back in New York."
"Along with your troop of monkeys," Eiji chuckled.
"Wait, you didn't live alone?" Hana asked curiously.
"No, we shared an apartment with my gang. So, it wasn't nearly as romantic as you think."
"That's so boring. I thought I'd hear a romantic story about how you two met. Or at least how you lived together. Especially because Eiji believes in soulmates and fate and all that... I mean, you two are polar opposites and came from different worlds. Usually, you'd never meet. Your life paths should never cross."
"Unless it was fate that brought us together," Eiji reminded her with a smile.
"So, are you going to tell me or not? How did you two ever meet?"
"Our first meeting was in a shady underground bar in the worst part of the city. That wasn't romantic at all."
Eiji nodded in agreement. "Getting kidnapped on your first day in NYC isn't romantic, either."
"But there had to be a moment you realized you loved each other," Hana insisted stubbornly.
"She's definitely your sister, Eiji. If she sets your mind on something, she'll never give up."
"She probably watched too many BL series."
Ash was about to ask something but then decided against it. He saw in his eyes that he had no idea what BL meant. But at this point, it felt like it was too late to ask. Eiji cast an amused glance from the side at him. He'd probably learn more about it in Akihabara when they would drag him into endless anime and manga stores.
"You're one to talk. You're the textbook protagonists for any BL manga or anime. The easygoing and cheerful one with the radiant smile loved by all and the bad boy with a dangerous reputation feared by everyone who keeps everyone at a distance. Polar opposites who notice they have more in common than visible at first glance."
"Well, that sounds a bit like us, I must admit. At first, I was just impressed that Eiji talked to me at all. He knew my reputation and that I was a cold-blooded gang leader, yet, he approached me as if I were a classmate or next-door neighbor. Everyone feared me, but Eiji never did. My poker face or my intense death glare never worked on him."
"It's because I saw the pain and deep-rooted loneliness in your eyes. Your soul screamed out in pain, and I wondered what you'd been through that your eyes looked so empty and lifeless. They looked as if you'd seen too much. I immediately wished to protect you." Ash smiled softly at him.
"But when did we fall in love? I've always thought that no one could love a criminal like me, so I've never noticed that Eiji returned my feelings. I convinced myself that Eiji deserved someone better than me and a peaceful life. So, I only noticed his true feelings in Japan."
"There's a but coming; I can feel it," Hana said excitedly while her eyes sparkled.
"But I probably fell in love when Eiji jumped over a wall with only a rusty pipe to save me. No one had ever bothered to do something like that for me. I've always protected people around me, but no one had ever protected me, especially not without any demands in return. And back then, Eiji barely knew me. He had no reason to help me. He promised to call for help, and he did. I doubted that he'd help me. I assumed that he would escape and leave me to die. That a killer like me wasn't worth saving."
"Eiji would never do that. Just saving himself and abandoning his friends, I mean."
"Yes, I know that now. Back then, we were strangers, after all. However, Eiji really did call for help. I had misjudged him. And while effortlessly flying through the air like that, he showed me what pure freedom looked like. And he showed me what real strength and courage were. His jump was a message not to give up so easily. That one day, I could get rid of my shackles binding me to NYC and this cruel world, escape my fate and experience true freedom for the first time."
"Ash..." Eiji whispered in a low voice. He had told him about his feelings at that moment once before, but it still amazed him how much that jump had meant to him.
"You pole-vaulted across a wall with a rusty pipe? Are you insane?" Hana exclaimed incredulously, giving him a scolding look.
"Why do people always keep asking me that? It was a choice between potential death and definite death. I just thought if I died anyway, I could at least die trying to escape and save my friends."
"Well, that makes sense, I guess. And it sounds like something you'd do. It was still reckless. But you get some points for coolness and bravery. I didn't know my innocent brother could be that badass." She chuckled softly, then flicked his forehead.
"Ouch! What was that for?" Eiji asked, rubbing his forehead.
"Being an idiot. Have you ever thought about me learning of your death in New York? You were just lucky you survived. Next time, use your brain and think about the people you leave behind."
He immediately felt guilty because his family hadn't been on his mind in that situation. He just wanted to find a way to escape and save his friends. As a pole vaulter, jumping across the wall had been a spontaneous idea, and given the high walls surrounding them, his best option.
"Yes, Eiji can be full of surprises. He'd do the same for you, so be careful not to get yourself in any dangerous situations."
"What about you, Eiji?" Hana asked, and Ash looked at him with widened eyes, suddenly curious. He saw in his eyes that he really loved to know. Ash never asked him questions about love or romance himself, so Eiji had never told him, either, when he had fallen in love with him.
"Probably when you had that terrifying nightmare and broke down crying while telling me about your past. I mean, I've probably already loved you before that, but that was the moment when I realized my feelings for you. At that moment, I knew I had to stay by your side and that I was the only one who knew your true self, your suffering, and broken soul—the only person who believed in you no matter what and would never give up on you. I realized then that I'd do anything for you. Even if the whole world turned against you."
"Eiji..."
"Wow, that's so cute. What about your first kiss?"
"No, we're not talking about that!" He and Ash exclaimed simultaneously, glaring at Hana.
"Wow, talk about a death glare. Scary. But why? I want to know!" Hana insisted. "You're acting really suspicious. I guess that's a secret I have yet to uncover." She dared to smirk at them.
"That's a story for another time. When you're much older. 60 or so," Ash replied honestly.
"I agree with Ash."
"Of course you do. Fine, I'll let this one slide. For now. But only because I learned more about Ash. And about you, Eiji."
"Great, you learned I break down and have panic attacks," Ash said sarcastically. "That was a side of me I desperately wanted to hide from you."
"That's not what I meant, stupid! I learned some other interesting things. They might be small and insignificant to you but give me hints to solve the mystery behind Ash Lynx. For example, you're a hopeless sleepyhead and grumpy when waking up. Definitely not a morning person. And that you're wearing glasses while reading. You look even better with glasses. That's so not fair! And I think that seeing you panic changed my image of you. You always look picture perfect and flawless, but you always put a barrier between you and everyone else, except for Eiji, so when seeing you scared and vulnerable, I felt closer to you. I realized that you have weaknesses, too, like me and everyone else. I also learned your real name and that you're part Irish. That's a lot for a few hours. And I saw new sides of my brother, too."
"You did? Like what?" he asked her, suddenly curious.
"You looked really fierce and commanding when Ash broke down. You brimmed with confidence, stayed calm, and grasped the situation within seconds. You immediately acted and helped him while still having an eye on me. That was a completely new Eiji I've never seen before."
"Am I that different now?"
"Yes, you are. Before going to New York, it was important to you what people thought of you, and you always tried to please everyone. You were also more obedient and always listened to mom, but now you question her warnings and instructions and decide for yourself when to ignore them."
She turned to Ash, meeting his gaze.
"Now, at the station, Eiji wasn't fazed by all the stares of passing people. He didn't care what people would think of him and focused on you entirely. That's a side of Eiji I loved seeing. And that's your influence, Ash."
"I didn't do anything."
"You don't have to. Your mere presence inspired Eiji to change."
"She's right, Ash," he confirmed, nodding at him, then turned to Hana."I'm glad that even if I changed, nothing changed between us. You're more grown up now and livelier than when I left. However, I don't know yet if I like how you two always tease me and conspire against me. But I'm happy you two get along so well. I'm just sorry that I wasn't there for you for so long, Hana. Our lives weren't easy back then. And I left you alone."
"It's fine. It's what you needed back then, given your severe depression. You had to focus on yourself. You usually always put other people first, so I was glad you decided to put yourself first that time. It was what you needed back then. So, I'm glad Ibe didn't give up and convinced mom and dad to let you go. He saw that a change in scenery would help you. However, meeting Ash probably helped you more. I knew the charm would work. But I'm happy you're back."
"Me, too. We'll spend more time together from now on. I promise."
Ash just pointed at his watch. "I love how the two of you already grew closer during this trip but you should postpone the rest of your sibling bonding time if we still want to see the sunset."
Eiji stared at his watch. "It's that late already?"