The next few months went by in a blur. Eivor lost many good friends not long after her return from Ireland during the battle of Chippenham, leaving her even more lost and questioning her life's decisions. She was used to death, but losing so many that she held so dear to her heart in such a short period of time was taking its toll. Even with all the loss she had dealt with in her short life, telling her friends that their lovers had been lost in battle was not something she would ever grow accustomed to. The pain in their eyes as they refused to believe the person that had stood beside them just moments ago had gone to the lush battlegrounds of Valhalla for eternity was something that would be burned into her memory until her last dying breath took her to fight alongside them.
She drew away from Randvi and Sigurd as she battled her inner demons. Her time was spent raiding and traversing around England, gathering riches that she had missed while aiding her allies in their conquests in years past to keep her racing thoughts at bay. She brought back food and fur and gold and silver galore. Trinkets filled her room, and those that did not were gifted to those around her. No matter the trip, even in the bitter cold and snow she had to trudge through, she was loaded down with things to bring back to her people.
She spent many nights away in what seemed like securing wealth for Ravensthorpe, and while she was, in reality, she was hiding. She had a hard time facing her people in her current state of mind. A strong warrior in front of all, but when left to her own devices, she was a shell of her old self. Her heart broke in many ways these last few months and no matter how much she willed it, it would not heal. Sadness overtook her mind and body while grief ate her will to go on. Thoughts she had never had before crippled her mind, only making her days spent away more frequent as she tried to bury what plagued her.
On the days she stayed in Ravensthorpe, she kept herself shut away, busy with tedious tasks unless she was called after for an urgent matter. It was getting harder to keep up with her duties as cement filled her chest; talks of her ability to still be the Jarl Ravensthorpe needed were not uncommon these days. She stopped visiting with the friends she had left and assigned others to do the tasks she had once taken on to get out of the longhouse. Letters poured in over the months, checking in on her, and urgent requests went unanswered.
Time was cruel to her, but she did not fight the punishment the Gods gave her. She deserved every ounce of pain and suffering that was thrust upon her. Time healed the wounds of others but made hers a large, gaping hole that never stopped weeping. It was nothing compared to how Randvi would feel if she found knew of her betrayal, nothing compared to the pain she had caused her friends that joined her in her fight and lost loved ones. She knew it was only a matter of time before everything that she had done caught up with her, but she had expected it to be in battle with an axe in hand. She did not know how to fight a battle that raged between her mind and her heart.
Minutes felt like hours as she tried to work on the backlog of letters that needed responding to and compiled inventory lists for new buildings. It had been a year since she left Ireland, eight months since so many of her friends had perished and who knows how long since she had last took in the warmth of the sun that now cast daggers into her eyes as it peered into her room like an annoying sibling. She knew she would need to leave again soon, this time with a crew to gather a heftier amount of supplies to make the needed upgrades to their home. She added extra notes to have Sigurd pick her out a formidable crew; Odin knew she was in no state to be doing so.
A light knock rapped at the door.
"Eivor?" Randvi poked her head in to see her slumped over her desk. She was afraid she was going to melt into the chair for how long she had been locking herself up these last few weeks. It was easier for everyone to ignore when she was just gone, but when she was here but not here, everyone started to worry, especially Randvi.
Randvi took in the state of her partner and her room. Only one sconce was lit and she had yet to re-braid her hair or dawn suitable clothing for the day. It was hard to see her like this, but words did not comfort her and she wished for nothing but to be alone.
"There is someone at the docks for you." Randvi crept into the musty room and over to her lover.
Eivor sighed and put her head in her hands and rubbed her eyes. She had dozed off while finishing up the plans for expanding the farmland, and had dropped her quill. Small splotches and lines of ink decorated the plans laid out in front of her; she was going to have to start over from scratch.
"Who is it?" Her eyes locked onto the wall as she waited for a response. Her sandpaper like voice taking herself off guard.
"Azar is back from Ireland. She seemed impressed by your ability to set up trade routes and wants to work with you. There seems to be trouble with some of the new routes, and she thought your expertise would be of help. She said she wrote to you some time ago and was worried that you had not written back, so she took you up on your offer to pay you a visit whenever she so chose."
Randvi gave her some time to get her bearings and to process the news. She pulled some fresh clothes from the trunk at the end of the bed and laid them out for Eivor. She was surprised to see that they were still clean; the smell in the room was making her think that there wasn't a single clean thing in it. After laying out the clothes, she took Eivor's comb from the bedside table and ran her hands through her tangled blonde hair to break up the knots before combing it through and starting on the braid that framed the raven tattoo on her head. She took note of the grease that coated her fingers and did her best to prep Eivor to leave the room.
"I see." Eivor let Randvi work on her braid as she mulled over what she said. Her eyes fell to the pile of letters once more; Azar's was in there somewhere, she was sure of it.
"Yes, it is important you talk to her soon. She plans to stay for a while and it would be nice if you could show her around and reintroduce her to our home. I have been so busy that I was not able to give her a proper show-around."
"I suppose you're right." She mumbled as her hair was pulled tight.
"This will be a good opportunity for you as well, Eivor. Getting some sun and catching up with an old friend will do good for you."
Randvi was right, she needed to stop running from her problems. Azar was easy to talk to and entertaining to be around. Even if Eivor wasn't quite herself, Azar would understand. Hell, she would probably tell her to get the stick out of her ass and get back to being the Jarl her people deserved.
Once her hair was fixed, she pulled on her everyday wear and made her way outside of the longhouse for the first time in days. The tight braid irritated her scalp, and she felt suffocated in her clothes. Her feet wanted nothing more than to stay in place, but the hopeful look that Randvi gave her told her she needed to move; she had to get moving for not only her sake, but for the sake of those around her as well.
After basking in the sun in the main doorway and blinking away the sting of the sun, she found a walking path that was deliberately out of the to avoid being spotted by those who would want to stop and chat; it was going to take enough out of her to work with Azar and she didn't want to expend all of her energy before she even got the chance to speak with her old friend. She gave a soft smile and wave to those who noticed her walk by; she did not wish to wholly avoid her people, but kept to herself nonetheless as she made her way to the docks.
The empty docks pulled a sigh of relief from her chest; it looked as though everyone had left and found their way to their temporary dwellings without her, making her first journey out of the longhouse a breeze. She thanked Randvi in her heart for handling what she could not and walked along the sun-worn wood. While she would have preferred to stay locked away, even she had to admit that the sunshine and fresh air were doing her well.
Her lips twitched up at the corners involuntarily upon spotting Azar, who was locked in a conversation with one of her crew at the far end of the docks. Based on their arm movements, and the stack of wooden boxes they kept motioning to, they looked to be determining where the final location of their last few crates were to go. She gave a light wave to Azar when they made eye contact and made her way to the end of the fishing dock where her behind found comfort in the warm wood and her boots narrowly missed the water, as she dangled her legs over the edge in wait.
Minutes had passed before Azar placed herself beside Eivor where she was able to get a good look at her old friend. Her eyes were glazed and her attention was somewhere else entirely; it wasn't the Eivor she was used to. She was not the type of woman to be afraid of interrupting conversation when she had business to attend to and the confidence she normally oozed was subdued as her shoulders slumped forward; it was obvious something was not right to anyone who took enough time to really look at her. The grief she had written to Azar about in her last letter months ago did not measure up to how defeated she looked now; the time had passed but her heart had not realized it yet.
"What's on your mind, Eivor?" Azar was not one to beat around the bush.
Eivor startled and turned to her old friend with a forced smile. "Azar, I did not hear you approach."
"I am not surprised. You seemed off in your own little world." Her eyes bore into her with an intensity that Eivor had not felt in some time.
"Aye, I cannot say I have been myself." Her eyes found the glistening water as she pushed her emotions aside.
"Has the loss of Bàrid been so hard on you?" Azar turned her body to allow her focus to be fully on Eivor.
"Bàrid was one of many I lost in such a short time." Her voice was solemn as she remembered her friends, how they died; Ciara.
"I am sorry, Eivor. That cannot be easy. You have not written in so long. I was not aware that you had lost more. My condolences, even if they are late."
"I am doing my best to move past it, but it is taking time." The hole in her heart showed through as she sighed out her words.
"Loss is not something so easy to process, but I am confident you will be back to your old self in no time."
"Let us hope." Eivor doubted Azar's words, but appreciated them nonetheless. She lost count of the months she had spent wallowing in her own suffering. "So, why don't we get to know why you're really here? I am sure it is not to comfort me in my time of need."
Azar smiled. "While I wish that were true, it is unfortunately not the case. I have new contacts who want to make trade and I thought you may be able to help me secure the deal. You helped me tremendously in Ireland. It only makes sense that I ask for your counsel."
"I will gladly help, although you have been at this much longer."
"You tend to have a better way with words." She smiled wryly.
"So I've been told." Her raspy smile came back into view.
"I would, however, enjoy taking some time to settle before going over the details with you. Randvi said you may be willing to show me around some and introduce me to your settlement? I understand if you would prefer to take the time for yourself."
"I have taken enough time for myself." She said matter of factly. It was true. She had spent so much time worrying about herself that she had forgotten what it was like to worry about what someone else needed. It was time to stop pushing everything off on to someone else.
Azar smiled. She did envy how Eivor could pull herself from the ground when needed. "Before we go, you should know there were a few that tagged along that wished to visit England with me. They should not be too much trouble."
"The more the merrier. I wish we could have had a feast prepared, but it is too short of notice to gather everything we need. If you're going to be here for some time, I will have to treat you to one before you go."
"I think I will be able to stay long enough to take part."
0o0
Eivor and Azar took their time catching up and exploring the settlement before making their way to where Azar and those traveling with her would be staying during their surprise visit. The vacant cabin was now bustling with life as everyone moved in their rations and belongings. The smell of warm venison stew filled the air while it cooked outside; it was the first warm meal any of them had had in a while and many were eagerly waiting with their bowls in hand around the stew pot.
Eivor made sure they all had proper bedding and were comfortable before saying her goodbyes and heading back to the longhouse. It was a small cabin for the amount of people Azar had brought with her, but they all seemed content with their dwellings. Most would be setting out in the morning to see more of England, to do some trading of their own or to find a new home, so the lack of space they had for tonight was only temporary.
The stream behind the longhouse that had cured her hangover so long ago was the next thing on her mind. The sun had started to set, and she was excited to wash away the happenings of a long day in the cool waters. She enjoyed a meal with Randvi and Sigurd first, who were happy to see Eivor with a smile on her face for the first time in months as she filled them in on the day's events, before stripping down to her skivvies and heading behind the longhouse.
By the time she made it, the red sunset had turned to black, and moonlight lit the world around her. With the full moon overhead, she could see well enough to make her way with little difficulty. Only the sounds of the stream and distant animal calls remained as she stripped the rest of the way and submerged her bare body into a small pool of water. Air brushed past her teeth as the icy waters sent a shock through her body. Small bumps, like that of the skin of a chicken, appeared all over her body as she settled.
Once soaked for long enough, Eivor began to scrub away the dirt she had gathered since her last bathing. She was glad for the darkness, for she did not wish to know how dark the water was turning as she exfoliated her skin and scrubbed her scalp. Her stomach sank as she thought of Randvi detangling and braiding her hair earlier that day when she felt how bad it had gotten. Globs of old hair tangled around her fingers as she scrubbed, only stopping once the suds readily formed in her strands, telling her it was time to give them a final rinse.
For the first time in a while, she felt good. Her skin was clean and her head felt clear. The weight in her chest was lifted with every scrub and followed the stream on its path away from her heart. She had a hard time believing Azar travelled all this way to discuss trade when she was so well versed in the subject, but was not going to question if the doing was for her sake or not. She could not deny that the arrival of Azar was beneficial and was glad for her company, no matter her suspicions.
The cold, hard rock at the edge of the pool found itself being used as a pillow as she sunk deeper into the water. Her aching body had gotten used to the cold water, and now that she was clean, it was time to relax. Her firm breasts and scarred knees were all that peaked out of the water as she lay back. There was a gentle breeze that blew over, but the chill it brought was of no match for her need for sleep.
She was used to the voices and screams that plagued her very night, but as her world grew quiet, this night she was greeted with a voice she had not heard since she suffered the loss of so many more. Ethereal music echoed through the trees, carrying a voice she used to know well. She could not recognize the words, but she knew the strums of the chords and the pitch of the voice that lulled her even deeper into her slumber.
She thought the memories had faded, the face and voice forgotten as she filled herself with more loss than she could handle. Seeing Azar must have triggered something in her mind to cause her subconscious to torture her once more. Locks of red danced behind her eyelids as she sunk deeper into the madness. She drank in flashes of pale, wet skin and tasted the deep pink lips that sang her name.
A long breath signalled the opening of her eyes and the breaking of her trance; Ciara was gone, and the time to let go had long passed. She could not keep allowing herself to fall into her memories. Her eyes drifted to the faint stars above her that peeked through the rustling leaves as she blinked away the sleep in her eyes. How could a song sound so real when it came from her mind?
Eivor ran her hands through her wet hair and sat up. The splashing from her sudden movement blocked the siren's song for only a moment, but the still of the night made passage for the song; soft strums of music still called her from the forest. The voice could not be playing from her memories when it flowed from the depths of the woods before her. She splashed the crisp water on her face to ensure she was wide awake and pulled herself from the water. Her hair found itself in a sloppy bun atop her head and her clothes, not so easily, slid on over her wet skin. Her feet narrowly squeaked into her deer skin shoes as she tugged them on without a second thought and took off into the darkness.
Streams of cold water dripped down her back as she tiptoed through the forest, chasing the song that came from lips once kissed. Her heart raced as the music grew stronger and the accent she had almost forgotten filled her ears and fluttered her heart. Could it be? She could hear the strings of the Lyre being plucked and the breaths of the singer as she sang her song, each timed so the music never stopped flowing.
Could Azar have been so busy that she let something like this slip her mind? She knew they were close, and with her suffering so much loss, finding one that she had lost would have been a blessing. Her excitement and confusion sent her heart into a frenzy. Her footsteps grew uncoordinated and her movements clumsy; all but the sounds of the forest ceased when a stick snapped under her foot. Eivor's heart was in her ears as she froze; she was so close. Her squinted eyes attempted to spot movement in the darkness, but the cover was dense in this area of the wood.
"Ciara?" The name barely escaped her lips. She felt crazy saying it and even crazier when there was no response. A heavy silence fell over the wood; she heard no breath, no footsteps, no song. After some time, she leaned her body against a tree and put her head in her hands. "I've gone insane." She whispered to herself. Her eyes grew wet as the excitement, fear and embarrassment flooded together. "How could I think she was here?"