For the reader's enjoyment: The actors/actresses portraying as example models for my cast are on my profile page and can I say yum to the man, Francisco Randez, who did play Altaїr as a body model. You can click on the images showing them each and I hope I did each justice because I did my best by matching hair, eyes, skin, and facial structure (Maria took me forever to match). Also, Vivian's drooling in this chapter will be more obvious to those who see the actor model I've used for Ilias. And I added a soundtrack listing for the story (it's under my Avatar section for faster finding) so you guys can read about what places they'll be visiting and how Ubisoft's mythology theme will be incorporated into it.

The Paddling of The Swollen Ass

Vivian lethargically wandered the campground, located on the flat center of the hill they'd climbed to escape the crocodile during the night, and sported the classic sleep deprived zombie look on her beige face as she yawned loudly like a lazy lion. Hmm, she briefly wondered if they would encounter the king of the jungle when heading down to South Africa. She didn't have the energy to swat away buzzing insects that wandered too close for comfort as she gathered dry twigs scattered around the area to rebuild the dead fire that Malik had created during his shift. At the current moment, the dai was taking a quick nap to take the stress away from his shift so she and Altaїr would take care of the cooking before preparing to journey south on the Nile. The trip would be tediously long and they would travel on water from morning till sunset to make sure they didn't waste time.

The soup from last night had been eaten entirely so no leftovers could be swallowed quickly for a half decent breakfast by the weary traveling trio. They were saving their dried meat for further on in the trip since parts of southern Africa had yet to be on the Silk Road or Trans-Saharan trade routes. Vivian was slowly becoming accustomed to the meals on the road as she continuously ate hot soup with either too little salt, too much salt (Malik's finger slipped on that one), too thin a broth; hunted game that made Vivian shudder since it could've been carrying diseases; stale bread that hurt her teeth and found understanding with Altaїr when his own hidden blade didn't perforate the hard bread. She'd informed him that Ubisoft lacked to show the game of survival with the assassins they used since traveling distances was not easy but then again, the player took the master control from Desmond's hands and bypass all of that.

Send all those dumb reality show stars into the wild like this and let them learn something about life rather than their useless dramatics that clutter air on TV, she thought evilly to what television was becoming as every day more channels turned to it. Or maybe I was spared by being blasted here.

Across from her, the master assassin washed his face in a wooden bowl filled with river water to clear away the last remnants of sleep as the cold water made contact with the early morning air and goosebumps broke out over his skin in reaction. That was the kick he needed to liven up to begin a new day and dried his wet face free of clear droplets with a black cloth. He was already dressed in his assassin robes but had yet to sheath his sword to his belt or attach the hidden blade gauntlet to his forearm as he kneeled on the ground to wash up. Vivian simply slept with the robes she'd use on the next day to cut down on the time used to wrap on all those layers and it helped with the freezing desert nights since her tent couldn't keep out all of the cold. The elements were another enemy in an era without modern medicine and she had to be extremely careful not to become sick as she traveled. Mosquitoes were a force to be reckoned with near the water and she could only shudder at the illnesses like malaria, dengue fever, and the West Nile virus that they carried.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked softly as she kept her voice neutrally calm in case he was on one of his cranky days and decided to unexpectedly explode on her.

Altaїr definitely had his better days at Masyaf where he had the luxury of a warm bed but he was working on his cool manner of speaking since Vivian kept proving herself by answering his questions (he'd yet to see her in a fight but she had spirit, he had to give her that). That didn't automatically warrant her his trust, however. There were many responsibilities on his shoulders now as a Grand Master, the leader of the expedition, and a wielder of a weapon that no human was ready to have the possession of. It weighed a lot on his mind and part of him wanted his companions to understand, maybe help with his many ruminations, but he didn't want to be seen as anything but in control at the same time.

He gave a small nod, glancing in her direction to meet her sleepy gaze as she broke the twigs in half for better kindling, and admitted casually, "Yes, I never thought I'd wrestle a crocodile in my life but I can cross it off my list for deadliest encounters."

A grin spread over her oval face as his small joke lightened the sluggish mood of the cold morning and she suggested playfully, "Maybe you should write it in the Codex and list it as 'strangest encounters and how to avoid/win them' for future readers."

"I. . .I've actually thought about writing a separate book about our adventures" he pondered aloud as he threw the used water onto the dirt, sending wet splotches of dirt to pool around his booted feet, and walked over to where she was huddling her bundle of twigs. She'd yet to make a decent fire (despite Malik's continuous lessons) and didn't complain when he grabbed two sturdy sticks from her hand along with a flat piece of wood that had washed ashore to begin building a fire. She hadn't joked when she told him her survival rates were those of a child without the knowledge of his time and Altaїr found himself being her parent most of the time as he scolded and taught her.

She sat on the ground to watch as she draped the cowl of her brown robes closer to her neck for warmth and let him work at starting a fire. For a man missing his left ring finger, he had no problem with dexterity or strength as she watched him use that hand to create the perfect amount of friction while his right kept the vertical stick steady. His brow furrowed as he concentrated on creating a fire but he managed to speak his thoughts to the quiet woman alongside him, "I've yet to hear about these lands despite the drawn maps by cartographers but I am confident that our accounts can help our assassins scope out the land. If anything, I think it might increase our strength as an order when I disperse the assassins into smaller discreet sectors across the world. I need to keep my brothers safe from our enemies and I believe this will work to our advantage, whether we start with Europe, Asia, or Africa."

Tilting his head to the side as he took his eyes away from his furious twig scrubbing, he gazed at Vivian with an honest expression that lightened his sharp features and asked hesitantly, "Is that what I am supposed to do in the future? There is much the Apple has shown me. . .it is overwhelming at times."

She bit back the smartass remark of asking whether he'd seen an apocalypse or two in there since Those Who Came Before had already shown the ability of foreseeing through time itself, possibly even shifting realities at the tips of their fingers.

"I can't tell you the future nor can I approve what you do for fear that I could ruin it but. . .I never heard of a second book, just that you sent the assassins into the shadows to protect them and increase their stabbing success" she informed lightly with a chuckle at the end to lighten the mood and encourage his spirit to keep fighting for what was right. His gaze flickered away from hers, becoming obscured by his white hood as he returned to his task, and she sighed mentally for having the answers he sought but unable to bestow them. The last thing she needed was for time itself to collapse under her for any slip of the tongue and for him to curse her for ruining the entire universe.

Regardless, she still wanted to provide him with something enlightening and suggested nonchalantly, "However, if you want to chronicle our trip, that might be nice. A written landscape of the lands can guide future generations and omitting information about the Pieces of Eden will keep any nosy Templars from butting in."

She grabbed Malik's pack to search for the falafel they saved to eat during mornings only, avoiding any personal belongings and underwear that would have her screaming in horror. However, with the dai being very organized (unlike Altaїr who stuffed everything inside without a care that it would wrinkle), she found the carefully wrapped packets of brown paper at the top of the pile and held them up in the air with success. Her expression wasn't ecstatic since they had nothing else to eat with the bread and she sighed listlessly to her companion, "I guess our meal is this. Yippee."

"I will hunt something" he stated simply since he needed meat to fill his stomach after the rough night he'd endured and leaned down to breathe gently against the lightly bristling smoke forming between the two pieces of wood. Vivian always worried he'd accidentally set his hood ablaze when he created fire but he'd yet to do so which had her logic nagging he'd be fine. With a tilt of the head to the right, he informed her easily with his quickly conceived plan, "There's a river full of fish right there-"

"No, a crocodile or a hippo can sneak up on you before you know it" she objected instantly with a shrill voice and a fervent shake of her head to that ridiculous idea. Did he not listen to her warnings about the river or did he intentionally want to charge head on into the mouth of danger without a care? Placing the packet of falafel on a nearby log that served as a bench for Malik earlier in the night, she made her disagreement quite clear as she argued firmly with a stern gaze, "I'm not about to pull out your mangled carcass to tell Malik you died at the paws of another man-eating crocodile. There's a lot of birds flying about already and small grazers come here to drink. . .probably."

Her lips thinned in a pout to the lack of decent game that wouldn't rip them into shreds and she mumbled under her breath, "We should've bought a fishing rod from the merchant since we're using the Nile to travel south and our canoe would've kept us safe while we fished."

"Who says we need to buy one?" he smirked mischievously with a scoff at having to throw his money away for something he could craft himself and she furrowed her brow to what he implied. Assassins were survivalists by nature due to their solitary lives outside of Masyaf and he remembered how he'd laughed aloud when she'd told him her people relied heavily on technology and money for survival. Even preparing food could be done by a machine rather than one's bare hands; it sounded so alien to him but he believed it on the first day when Vivian couldn't make a fire to boil water, he knew then and there that she'd never survive in his time.

He blew again on the tendrils of smoke leaving the flat piece of wood and knowingly explained, "The reeds at the bank are sturdy enough for a fishing rod, a piece of leather can be tied at the end for gripping, your sewing thread or my hunting twine can serve as the line, my blade can puncture a hole to tie it all together, and a hook. . ."

He paused in midword since they didn't have anything that they could shape into a hook at the current moment but she perked up when a thought popped into her head. Looking for her pack around the clearing, her hands fidgeted through the air as she suggested brightly, "I have an extra sewing needle-"

"We need them and you can patch up the whole in my robe after I. . .," he interjected as a new idea formed in his mind and he stopped making the fire they sorely needed to cook with. Vivian was torn between continuing it herself and possibly ruining it or letting it burn out but Altaїr paid her no mind as his fingers meticulously traced the lines of his robes to find a certain type of clasp. Vivian almost jumped when she saw him separate the last two layers of white fabric from his waist, his fingers fiddling with the interior of the layers to pull out a metal hook that pinned the two pieces together (which relieved her immediately since a peep show during a cold morning was not what she wanted. . .well, maybe the AC fangirl hidden inside her because he was still Altaїr, damn it!).

She was almost tempted to joke about nudity but that might drive him to forget the whole thing entirely and her starving stomach won over her sharp tongue today as she held back on her snarky self. Altaїr unclasped the newly torn hook by its binding tie as one would a safety pin and twisted the hook carefully between his fingertips until it formed into a perfect fishing equivalent. He smirked proudly as he held up his handmade creation, which took less than five minutes, and declared haughtily to his ingenuity, "A cheap but efficient alternative and the clasp will serve to hold the line around it."

Vivian clapped her hands excitedly at the possibility of eating fresh fish, her mouth watering at the delicious thought, and happily squealed, "Oh my. . .Perfect! Do we make the fire or go? I mean, I can't make it myself but I can try," she giggled gleefully with renewed energy like the Energizer bunny and rambled on nervously with an embarrassed smile, "Look at me, I'm rambling over fishing! Oh, but what if you get seasick? And Malik-"

"Malik!" he bellowed across the way and she flinched in her spot with embarrassed dismay since his voice probably woke all of the animals sleeping on the shore. So much for that patience he gained during his journey back to Master rank. Vivian could only bury her head in her hands to his lack of subtlety despite he was the number one enforcer of it during their trip.

A groggy snore from within their friend's tent, followed by a groaning cough, told Vivian that the dai was now awake to begin the day. Superior assassin hearing or not, Altaїr's voice could've woken the dead and Malik soon offered a sluggish 'what?' as he laid inside his tent. The dai was comfortably wrapped in his warm blankets as he decided whether or not to become alert to possible danger or stay lethargic for a few more minutes.

"Take care of camp, Vivian and I are heading out to the river" Altaїr called back to let him know of their whereabouts so he wasn't caught unaware by their leave or believe sudden intruders had taken them away. Altaїr was confident in his comrade's fighting skills but an overwhelming number could bring down a seasoned warrior if one wasn't careful.

"We're going hunting," Vivian had never seen a man so excited over finding fish as she stared at him awkwardly, surprised to the bright gleam in his light brown eyes as he'd declared it. He held the makeshift hook between his forefingers as if it were a piece of Eden that would bring him all the fish in the world just by the use of it. . .or maybe he was starving as badly as she was. If the river wasn't full of dangerous crocodiles, she would've been swimming in it already with a hunting knife clenched between her teeth.

"Fishing" she corrected matter-of-factly with half-lidded eyes set in a dry expression in an effort to calm any testosterone surges within him.

The master assassin simply scoffed to her need to constantly correct him (would she ever tire of pointing out her futuristic knowledge?) and stood up from the dusty ground to state cockily, "My way sounds better."

She proceeded to follow him as they abandoned making a fire and began the journey downhill towards the calm riverbank, her feet picking up dirt along the way while his footsteps created a light indent on the ground instead. The cold air of dawn flowed under her robes as they fluttered against the wind, causing goosebumps to break over her legs and toward her torso while Altaїr remained impenetrable to the elements. Jabbing a finger in his direction, she pointed out sarcastically as her teeth tried not to chatter, "Your way is wrong so go learn some decent vocabulary, eagle boy."

"Well, according to how I am perceived in your world, anything I do is nothing short of majestic and breathtaking because an assassin like me is never wrong" he justified smartly as he took a giant leap in advantage over their argument and she gaped like a fish to the flawless win. Her cold fists shook with disbelief to being knocked off her oracle pedestal by her own claims and Altaїr didn't hide the triumphant grin when he ordered uncaringly, "Now, be a loyal Assassin's Creed fan and follow me to hunt fish."

Her fists comically shook in the air as she declared with a catty hiss to being defeated, "D'oh! I should've just faked not knowing anything like a Sue character with amnesia and had all of you tend to me."

He shot her an awkward glance from up ahead to her strange words and she waved a hand at him in dismissal since he would never understand the vile Mary Sue creatures that delved in the realm of fiction. Instead, she frowned disappointedly to lacking humor in his era and muttered under her breath, "Don't worry, I would've killed you within hours because you're not meant to be lovey dovey. It would save you the humiliation."

. . . "Vivian, shut up."

After a breakfast consisting of freshly roasted barbus pumilus fish over an open fire, the trio were rowing upstream toward the capital of Cairo. . .two hours later than anticipated. Their fishing trip hadn't gotten off to a great start as Altaїr almost fell asleep while holding the fishing rod (due to his lack of sleep) and Vivian had yelled a few choice words at the submerged fish for having bad luck. Thankfully, they managed to catch two fat fishes to share between them and called it a morning because they were late as it was and she hated to see an animal put out of its misery.

Vivian had never eaten a fish straight out of the water, her father preferred to buy filleted fish from the market to simply throw on the frying pan to make it easier, so she enjoyed pulling the skeleton off the meat of the fish right before serving it. The crispy skin just added to the deliciousness of the herby meat (which Malik had happily supplied his cooking herbs for) as she picked at it with her bare fingers since forks were lacking. She'd expected a sharp reprimanding from Altaїr for being unladylike in the middle of nowhere but received no such scolding as the two men had the same grin on their faces as they'd devoured everything down like lions. The funniest part of the meal was seeing Altaїr use one of the skeleton's bony spines in place of a toothpick to pick his teeth clean as he relaxed against a log like a lazy cat laying on the porch on a hot summer day.

At the moment, they were using river's current flow that journeyed south near the left shoreline as Altaїr rowed by himself while the other two played lookout for any villages near the shore. They needed exact directions toward Cairo since Malik's map, their handy compass (made of a magnetized needle- which took some time to find in Jerusalem- and a spongy cork as both rested in a wooden bowl with water), and the sun's movements could only help the amateur explorers so far to travel almost 100 miles. Altaїr did not have the slightest inkling to get lost in a land unknown to him and his eyes slowly wandered to the bag of ginger root stored in one of the pockets of his leather belt. He definitely did not want to wander aimlessly over water because it was quickly becoming his nemesis on this expedition and a quick cure wasn't in sight yet.

"Vivian, give me the facts on Cairo" he ordered coolly as he tried to keep focused on his objective and not on the water driving the boat, hating not being in absolute control which is why he kept rowing in his own form of rebellion.

Vivian's gaze shifted away from watching the water current pass by because she was the complete opposite, calmly at peace over the river as the calls of birds soothed her worries. She sat up at attention as she remembered she was not in her time where trips like this were usually of the romantic type or for fun in advanced societies. His beckoning had completely burst her fantasy bubble of Altaїr praising her loyalty with a low silky voice that would swoon women in the millions while Malik kept to himself in the back as he smoked idly but fashionably alluring, throwing pink flower petals into the air to make it romantic. Altaїr failed to see her eyes clearing up from their dull glazed look from daydreaming and he remarked sardonically to gain her full attention, "Anytime would be nice, before we're old or thrown out of the canoe to be eaten alive by hungry crocodiles or heaven forbid, a fat hippopotamus."

Her romantic fantasy dream turned into instant tragedy when the scenery transformed into modern times where the canoe, now a pretty little white boat, was tipped over by a mob of angry ducks. A jean and leather jacket clad Altaїr fell headfirst into the cold water and failed to stay afloat when said gang of ducks began to peck him to death but his lack of swimming killed him instantaneously as Vivian watched on with both horror and intrigue.

Vivian slapped the back of her hand to her forehead as she slipped into the woeful girlfriend (despite she did nothing to help) and watched the last air bubbles of her dear assassin break the surface before wailing dramatically, "Oh no, my beloved Altaїr has fallen to a gang of ducks!"

"Technically, he drowned" the dry tone of Malik stated, who casually drank a Heineken despite his best friend had just drowned before his very eyes and did nothing to help either. He was dressed more fashionably with a black blazer and denim jeans as a pair of sunglasses covered his eyes from the daytime sun.

"I'm all alone now!" she sobbed dramatically with the 'fair lady in distress and in need of rescue' mode as her pink summer dress fluttered in the wind, giving off the Marilyn Monroe sensuality of innocence until it gave Malik a perfect view of her rear end. That got his sunglasses off faster than unleashing a hidden blade into a Templar's chest.

A hand shot out of the water as Altaїr stubbornly held off from dying and Vivian grabbed one of the paddles to smack it repeatedly as she admonished hysterically, "Bad Altaїr! Die! Why. . .won't. . .you. . .stay down?"

A few more hits finished off the assassin and the hand no longer resurfaced to try to latch onto the boat or show Vivian he was still alive. Malik nodded to himself as he took another sip of his beer and she brushed back tendrils of unkempt hair as she cheerfully stated, "Okay, now I'm completely alone."

Another paddle boat bumped hers and out of nowhere, Desmond valiantly jumped into theirs without making a single movement in the boat from the action. Kneeling down on one knee, the modern day assassin declared with a voice fit for Shakespeare drama or what men would dread in a theatre play they were unwillingly dragged to, "Oh, fair Vivian, what tragedy has befallen thy- I mean, thou! The beauty of it is that with these convenient modern times- which you somehow managed to create- I am completely available and willing to replace the cruel Altaїr."

"I'm the best friend, if anything, I have first dibs!" Malik suddenly argued as he chucked his beer at Desmond's head and like a Mary Sue's dream, Vivian's *ahem* tragedy turned into a brawl between assassins.

Vivian, the fan girl, wasted no time in taking advantage and she wrapped an arm around both their necks as she sang blissfully to their turn of events,

"Oh, boys, why must you be hardheaded?
Don't you know anything about the simplicity of the future?
We can all love each other. . .as long as no ring's involved!"

"Hurra-a-a-ah!" they cheered in song as they held the last note in soprano for a few seconds and their little boat traveled to the center of the lake by mysterious forces that nobody knew.

Shaun somehow managed to appear inside their cramped boat and the blond man asked with glittering puppy eyes full of hope in song, "May I join too?"

The record player came to an abrupt halt as it scratched horribly to end the happy vibe and Vivian aimed her thumb away from the lake as she flat out refused, "Go check another fangirl's dream. This one's full. . .but if Ezio's somewhere around here, he's more than invited. If anything, he has the all-access pass here."

"VIVIAN!"

Her dream world exploded in a blaze of imaginary fireworks as Altaїr turned to glare at her with one of his most enraged scowls and she swallowed nervously for lingering in her crazy realm of daydreams. Nonetheless, she was happy that fantasy Vivian drowned him in the most humiliating way; truly, she never would've thought sweet fluffy ducks could kill an assassin.

Still, why does every daydream have all of us breaking into song?, she thought curiously to what the deep recesses of her mind conjured when she was sleep deprived: Desmond becoming the new Niko Bellic of the grand theft auto franchise as he ran down Templars in a muscle car, Ezio comparing notes on seducing women with modern day Barney Stinson, and Altaїr performing Swan Lake in his white robes. Her best one was having Malik gathering and giving tips to other sidekicks from different realms like Tolkien's Samwise Gamgee, Sherlock Holmes' Dr. Watson, Star Wars' Chewbacca, Batman's Robin, Metal Gear's Otacon, and Mario's Luigi as they all sat at an interview table. Hmm, I need to stay hydrated before I end up daydreaming more than usual. Still, it was funny to have Ezio's uncle and Mario from Nintendo saying 'Ey, it's a me, Mar-io!'

The twitch in Altaїr's left eye demanded that she start before he gave her a hidden blade to the heart.

"As you know, Saladin rules Egypt entirely as its Sultan alongside the Ayyubid dynasty in accordance to the Fatimid Caliphate while he fights in the Third Crusade but that will soon end in the coming month in September- I follow the Roman calendar- as a truce is set forth," she quickly explained the rough facts of the era since she wasn't in the mood to go swimming with the crocodiles and tapped her forehead to see if it would get her mental juices flowing. As a history major, she was constantly perusing facts and reading in between the lines of her textbooks for any new knowledge so she wasn't entirely useless.

The scowl Altaїr kept directing straight at her got her neurons firing faster than a Stormtrooper on Luke Skywalker and she continued to inform him with a fast high-pitched voice, "Right now, his campaign is north so we will have no interference with military infantries unless we stay for more than a month but by March of next year, he will no longer be among the living or acting as Sultan. Military enforcement here is known to have contained foot soldiers, a light infantry, and foot archers to chase enemies on foot rather than fight an invasion because let's face it, their borders are pretty secure right now."

Her lips widened into a smile as she handed him the best view point in Cairo by informing him confidently, "If you're looking for a building to climb with a sight to behold, I'd suggest Cairo's citadel as it is the newest stronghold and palace for its leader. Careful though, despite its not fortified by a wall yet, the ruling family will be inside and wherever there's royalty, there's security ready to hand your ass to you on a silver platter."

Her green eyes brightened as she added in perkily with her geeky nature to finish her facts, "Oh, and they make the unique lusterware which is made nowhere else. You know, it has a porcelain look with a metallic finish," she paused when she realized the assassins didn't seem the least bit interested and her shoulders slumped as she mumbled under her breath with defeat, "in case anybody wants souvenirs."

Altaїr scoffed to her peppy voice over artisan pottery of all things, especially since his time was supposed to be archaic by her standards, and asked derisively, "What can you afford at this point?"

Vivian reminded herself to conjure another daydream later on where the master assassin would once again meet a tragic cruel fate full of dark humor at her hands and decided crocodiles would be used this time.

"Not me, I can barely feed myself and I'm lost in your time so I highly doubt a time vortex will let me keep historic artifacts that will defy even more laws in my world" she shot back defensively but her smart-alecky words rang true on the matter and he shook his head to her sarcastic bite. Her world confused him greatly and the more he tried to learn, the more boggled his mind became.

Malik grabbed a wooden bowl to fill it with water from the river and splashed it over his face to combat the humidity that kept building up as the hours passed. He didn't bother to wipe the refreshing water away as it traveled down his warm neck to revitalize his parched skin and use his hand to dampen his short black hair to cool his scalp, leaning back against the canoe with an exasperated sigh from the heat, "So what's the plan?"

"You speak to the traders for information, pay a few peasants to talk, keep an eye out for Templars while I scope out the land and hopefully take out a few without raising alarm" he explained each of their roles carefully to make sure each understood as he kept his eyes on the shoreline off to his left as Cairo was located there whereas Giza was on right. Nonetheless, he would stop at the first settlement to make sure they were on the right track and find a trader to refill their canteens because each of them had guzzled down theirs hours ago.

He could feel Vivian's awaiting eyes boring holes into his back and he decided to give her a task this time rather than intentionally ignore her like he usually did which is what he loved doing best. Maybe it was time to upgrade her from the role of a pesky mosquito to a yipping loyal dog and he smirked evilly to the image of a green eyed puppy named Vivian that obeyed his every word. He decided to indulge her creativity and uncanny ability for causing mayhem at the most inopportune times and gave her his set of orders with a firm voice, "Vivian, you follow behind me and make sure I don't catch anybody's attention as I wander the crowds and climb onto the buildings. I don't know if I will be able to blend in seamlessly in this new land so I need you to keep a careful eye out. Use whatever means necessary to divert them and no, I don't mean lure them with your womanly charms to rob them blind."

"Hey! I'm not that stupid and stop insulting my femininity" she retorted defensively as he'd brightened up her day by giving her a responsibility for the first time rather than the usual 'go wait outside and count the clouds' but he popped her hope bubble with a hidden knife with the insulting words. She was tempted to retaliate by chucking his travel pack into the river in revenge but that might seal her death immediately and she liked living despite the shabby conditions. Instead, she let it slide for now (but added it to her mental list labeled 'Altaїr insults that need future retribution' as she bided her time) and began to mentally prepare her disguises as she agreed cheerfully, "But other than that, sure thing. Hmm, what shall I be? Peasant, random drunk, heretic, singing bard-"

"No, I wouldn't wish that one on civilians. . .only Templars" Altaїr interjected with a short dry laugh full of mockery toward her singing voice that could shatter glass with its horrible pitch. Vivian simply blew a strawberry in his direction since throwing him out of the boat would have the river stained in crimson blood within minutes. She wouldn't waste her energy using vulgar hand signals behind his back either since the humidity was bad enough as she wore her long robes (she hated the things with a passion) but laughed aloud when Malik to tried the odd action. Altaїr groaned aloud with misery to what his friend had been tempted by and reduced to at her hands and questioned exasperatedly, "Great, what did you teach him now?"

Malik laughed to his grouchy tone as he relaxed, watching the gently sloping water for any suspicious activity while he practiced his newly learned skill with a grin. His grin was infectious as she watched the dai sitting so casually at the back despite the danger assassins usually brought and Vivian informed easily with a smile, "It's called a raspberry. You use it to show boredom or friendly disagreement between friends, kids do it to their parents sometimes too- but never to superiors."

"Speaking of superiors, how do you think Ilias is doing with the new charge?" Malik spoke up with intrigue to their assassin business (as Vivian liked to call it in parody to the mafia) since with Altaїr leaving Masyaf and him following after, somebody needed to maintain control and keep the Grand Master alert to new information that arose.

Altaїr had debated for a long time on undertaking the journey around Africa but his brotherhood understood the necessity to keep an upper hand against the Templars. He might have scattered their organization when he killed their leaders in Acre, Jerusalem, Damascus, and Cyprus but they needed to be vanquished entirely. Vivian had told them they would gain an advantage over time as they infiltrated politics and business to dominate high society but he would put an end to that somehow. The first order was to reinforce Masyaf from future attacks and finish off leaderless Templars that lingered near their cities. The second was to begin creating new guilds in liaison to the bureaus to spread their Order into secrecy as Altaїr envisioned Europe and West Asia as the first to span over the world.

Altaїr trusted Ilias Al-Farik since he was five years his senior, a close friend just as Malik now was, and had followed him loyally like Rauf when he first took on the rank of Grand Master of the Assassin's Order. Like Malik, he was calm under pressure and exceptionally knowledgeable in field of science as he spent his free time in Masyaf's library to increase his knowledge of the world and those of the past. Ilias had been the only one he'd explained Vivian's true origins about because he couldn't find a logical explanation himself and sought his friend's input on the matter. Unfortunately, Ilias had been completely confounded as well to the predicament since nothing could cause such a thing and incidents that had occurred were myths relating to the arrival of gods. Obviously, Vivian was not one of them. It was his advise to keep her close under watch that allowed Altaїr not to follow through with the idea of prolonged torture or simply executing her to prevent her capture by Templars.

"You mean the guy with the handsomely rugged features and gorgeous mane of black hair?" Vivian sighed blissfully with romanticism gleaming in her green eyes to the attractive dark-haired man she'd seen wandering the castle and meeting Altaїr throughout her day there. Actually, for the strangest reasons, it seemed most of Altaїr's companions were ogle worthy for any AC fan and wondered whether they should change their name to the 'Order of Extraordinary Handsome Assassins' to suit them better. Even Ezio's little group lacked grotesquely ugly assassins, if anything, they became better looking! Altaїr chose to ignore her lewd comment as he awkwardly watched her hug herself with delightful glee out of the corner of his eye. The woman truly boggled the mind sometimes.

"I'm sure he will be fine. . .although I hope he remembers to feed my Rafiki" Altaїr commented casually about his beloved Eurasian hobby falcon, which he'd trained himself in falconry to carry communication between himself and a select group of his most trusted assassins. Rafiki was his most treasured animal companion, more than his stallion, and Altaїr hoped he was being taken care of very well at home. He'd cared for the falcon since it had been an egg seven years ago when he found solace among aviaries of Masyaf and he'd become intrigued by the three little eggs the mother had been caring for. He'd chosen Rafiki for himself when the falcon had left his mother's care and practically treated the bird like his own son because there were times Malik almost gagged when he saw Altaїr feeding his falcon a small dead bird. Altaїr could've chosen a larger falcon like the peregrine or the lanner but there was a subtle elegance in the smaller falcon and being inconspicuous during flight was best done by a graceful hobby.

Vivian suddenly burst into loud laughter and it almost frightened both assassins as she went into hysterics, holding her aching sides as she rolled onto her back on the floor of the canoe. Tears threatened her tear ducts to the name the assassin had chosen for his pet falcon and a full minute passed by before she could gain control of her mouth and lungs to ask giddily, "Rafiki? Am I correct in knowing you call him that?"

Altaїr didn't find the humor in her laughter because nobody insulted his avian friend and coldly asked between clenched teeth, "Yes, what of it?"

"You've got to be kidding me, gaming gods!" she exclaimed as she broke into more uncontrollable laughter and Altaїr was tempted to knock her over the head with one of his paddles to shut her up. Seconds later, he reconsidered the idea and approved wholeheartedly when her laughter hurt his ears. He pulled out the right paddle out of the water without making a sound and swiftly turned around to smack her right in the kneecap with the wooden object. She yelped to the sudden hit to her knee and turned to the side in an attempt to sit up in the rolling canoe. That fateful move granted Altaїr another hit as her rear end flashed in his direction while she tried to balance herself and whack!

"OW!"

Malik struggled not to laugh from his spot as the resounding smack of a wet oar striking a clothed butt echoed with her shout gave him the entertainment he solely needed on this trip. Vivian's flushed face of embarrassment brought a pleased smirk to Altaїr's face as he watched her rub her throbbing butt and kept a vigilant eye on her because she was liable to be turbulently violent when angered. Instead, she blew into a rage of a whole other language entirely and he was ready to knock her out for real this time as he yelled with unbridled threat to overlap her voice in volume, "If you dare to put some kind of curse on me, I'll knock you into whatever afterlife you believe in far before I end up in mine!"

Malik decided to intervene on this one before they broke into a serious brawl over water and stated flatly with sarcasm lacing his voice, "She's speaking Castilian."

. . . "Oh."

Altaїr regained his cool composure from the slip since he rarely exploded verbally on anyone like that and snapped in her direction with a scowl, "Well, tell her to speak in our language before I accidentally end her life prematurely."

"Stop talking like I'm deaf, I'm right here" she cut in curtly to being ignored like a petulant child on a time out and tried not to groan from her aching body parts as her nerves throbbed painfully. She couldn't believe he'd struck her butt with a paddle without a care and rubbed her sore butt in an attempt to alleviate the burning pain. Her white teeth bared at him with the fury of a badger and she shouted indignantly to his heinous action, "How dare you spank me? Ever thought of using your hand instead? What kind of sane person uses a paddle, you psychopath?"

"I'd rather not contaminate my hand, thank you" Altaїr replied sardonically with a sneer because he was damn proud of what he'd done and didn't allow the insignificant glare she shot his way affect him. He raised the wooden oar into the air again with a menacing motion that silently implied he wouldn't hold back on swelling her ass even further until it was as red as a tomato.

Vivian instantly took cover against the side of the canoe, huddling against it with a quiver to protect her tender bum from another spanking but yelled out scornfully, "I can't believe you're this much of a jerk! I like digital Altaїr better because he gave no sass and it was all eye ogling," a pitiful groan left her lips as she held her butt, "Oh god, my ass is on fire!"

Malik burst into laughter to her bold words, guilt striking his conscience despite the guffaws leaving his mouth as Vivian rocked herself to alleviate the pain since sitting on a canoe was not going to make it easier whereas walking would have. Altaїr didn't share any of his friend's laughter (well, inwardly, he was rolling in his amusement with a laughing fit) and kept a straight face as he ruthlessly scolded her, "Keep insulting me and you're going to literally spew fire from it by the time I finish."

Before he attempted to shamefully spank her like a child again, she decided to explain why she'd laughed in the first place since it apparently caused him to fly into a mad diabolical rage, "I was laughing because in my time, that name is associated with a illustrated baboon that was used in a children's story by a company named Disney. He's a very sarcastic and sharply witty animal but extremely wise in getting the true ruler of the African savanna, a lion named Simba, back in his rightful place as king instead of his evil conniving uncle who killed the awesome older king to steal the throne. Also, my sister, Penelope, loved that baboon and his walking staff."

Altaїr failed to see the humor since he and Vivian ran on two different wavelengths in that genre and she insisted with a big smile before he decided to unexpectedly spank her again, "He was funny! You can't blame me for laughing over something as simple as a name."

"Can and will" the master assassin stated coldly and returned to rowing the canoe without further word. What kind of people named a baboon after his precious falcon? How dare they mar a name like that?. . .although, a wise baboon was interesting- no, he would not fall for childish tales.

Vivian narrowed her eyes into slits for his rude mannerisms at carrying on a conversation and wondered if the interrogator ever faded away to reveal the sociable part of him. With the tense ambiance constantly casting a dark cloud over them, she doubted there was a kind or friendly side to the man and the question was whether it was due to his natural instinct as an assassin or he flat out hated her by default like water and oil.

"Tell me this story about the lion king and Rafiki" Malik spoke up curiously because he wanted to hear the fictional tales from her time to gauge the difference between their eras despite his friend seemed less than excited to hear about a baboon with his falcon's name. The dai had never been fickle and enjoyed many things in life, tales being the most riveting as cultures defined what made them worthy of storytelling.

Her frown turned upside down immediately as she grinned excitedly to tell her favorite Disney movie and she began the tale, "Well, it begins with a song-"

Altaїr's brown eyes widened to their fullest as he realized fate was coming back to bite him on his ass for the spanking and he shouted with rarely heard desperation in his voice, "Oh heavens, NO!"

"From the day we arrive on the planet. . . ."

Elsewhere at Masyaf. . .

Ilias stared at the pile of paper with specific commands left by his leader and despite he'd been working on it for more hours than he slept, it still didn't seem to downsize. He almost speculated that a spell was at work to renew each page that had been finished. As usual, the dark-haired man found silence in the first floor library underneath the Grand Master's study where missions were assigned and the noise of the birds (whether eagles, pigeons, falcons, hawks, or sparrows) used for communication between assassins rarely bothered him. Today though, a certain Hobby falcon and a young scientist were biting on his last strand of patience as one screeched in protest and the latter kept whimpering.

Bronze hands gently placed an inked feather on the wooden desk but Ilias was nothing short of calm when he turned to the left to demand wearily with a heated glare, "Bashir, would you feed that falcon already and stop making it screech?"

The younger assassin could only withdraw his fingers from the powerful falcon's beak before they were ripped off like the fragile limbs of other smaller birds. He absolutely abhorred having to be the one entrusted to feed Altaїr's falcon (despite the honor that it was) because the creature was absolutely finicky over who neared his vicinity. Five feet of range would automatically hand you its cold-blooded predatory gaze, three feet would have Rafiki's wings extending in a classic domineering pose that imitated his master's aura, and one foot would have him ripping a gaping hole into you whether by his talons or beak. Oh, how he missed being in his lab where only he could hurt himself and hated coming down to feed the little fiend, clenching his fists as he turned around to exclaim firmly, "It keeps trying to bite me!"

"I don't know why Altaїr decided to keep a private falcon for himself" Ilias sighed exasperatedly to his friend's choice and knew he should've said something when he first started keeping the animal in his quarters but he had to admit, the falcon had a natural uncanny ability in alluring favor from everyone. It happened to him four years ago when he'd been eating outside Masyaf to enjoy the peaceful scenic view of the Orontes Valley when the falcon had landed directly on his leg and began to eat the food on his wooden plate. He'd been ready to shoo him away but his onyx eyes, the brown markings on its head, the soft- almost innocent- beak, and a little tilt of its round head broke his resolve and Ilias allowed him to have the meat portion. Altaїr had laughed when he came back to inform him but it had been cut short when his friend stole his and ran off with the last laugh.

The new assassin-in-charge left the desk in a brisk stride, white robes billowing behind him as he approached the falcon stand with his tall physique and the brown falcon simply met his gaze like the calculating creature that he was. Ilias wore an expression fit for lecturing a toddler who didn't want to eat his carrots and he crossed his arms to speak clearly and directly, "Listen here, Rafiki, you need to eat and I need to help Altaїr protect the Order. Do this for me and I will grant you freedom throughout Masyaf for a week."

The falcon tilted his head to the side as all birds of prey did when curious but the next second, he leaned down to preen his feathers as he rejected the proposition. Bashir quietly glanced between both the man and bird as Ilias tapped his chin in thought to try another negotiation offer.

"All right, I will grant you the first flight to deliver Altaїr my message. . .to the bureau in Jerusalem because you are not fit to fly the distance that your master has traveled already" the assassin put forth to reach compromise and watched the falcon vigilantly for signs of acceptance or refusal.

The falcon tilted his head to the side again, forgetting his sudden interest with cleaning himself and Bashir blinked unsurely to what was happening in front of him. He was a scientist of weaponry, not of the mind, but this puzzled his mind by its sheer bizarreness. Scratching the side of his cloaked head, he skeptically asked his superior without fear of chastisement, "Are you. . .talking to a bird?"

"Birds of prey are highly intelligent creatures, spotting their prey safely from afar and formulating their plan just as an assassin does" Ilias explained quietly with a small smile in regards to the species as he slowly circled the bird stand and Bashir like a lioness analyzing its target, "Planning strategy and tactics to take down their prey, who is oblivious to the danger hovering above until at the very last second-"

"Gih!"

Bashir flinched with alarm when Ilias wrapped an arm around his neck and dug the thumb of his other hand into his back where the heart was located, lightly pressing against the spinal vertebrae protecting it. The young assassin tried to hide the twinge of fear from his face before Ilias warned him that assassins were fearless but the other man said nothing. The assassin in charge released him with a friendly laugh to ease the young man's sudden discomfort at being caught off guard and finished proudly with a smile, "And death comes in the form of a shadow from above. Remember that the next time you mock a bird, Bashir. . .especially this one, he finds you in the unlikeliest of places."

The young scientist was no longer frightened of only the dangerous falcon sitting on the bird stand and he raised his left eyebrow in curiosity to ask his older comrade, "You have an affinity for birds?"

"I have a natural curiosity of all living things" Ilias replied with a hearty laugh to his addiction to learning, especially by reading, since every assassin needed high attributes of both physical and mental conditioning. Rafiki called out to the men to finally accept its food for the day and Ilias grabbed the bag Bashir had been nervously holding to empty out the contents in the wooden bowl Altaїr had carved for it. He watched the falcon eat his meal for the day and raised a hand towards Rafiki in admiration to emphasize his point to Bashir, "You see? Mutual understanding will grant respect."

Frankly, Bashir had had enough of the devil bird to last a lifetime after taking care of it for the last two weeks since Altaїr left Masyaf. He was rather fond of keeping his fingers intact, especially for his type of profession, and flatly told his superior in all honesty, "Here's a thought: you keep the bird."

A/N: The title came from the Simpsons 'Homer The Great' episode where he undertook a series of Stonecutter initiation tests and one was called the Leap of Faith where he fell through five stories inside a building despite he was never supposed to do so. Anyway, this chapter ended up being long so I split it in half since a near 100 mile trip takes a while so Cairo will be in the next chapter where Altaїr fights a hippo and Vivian sings her modern age parody songs. I'm loving having to write this story (I like the shortness of the chapters- 15 pgs is short to me, don't know why) as we explore the humorous side of the AC world but keep it as factual as we can so it's not shredded into a travesty of a fanfic but I have you guys to keep an eye out for me.

I appreciate all of the new story/fav alerts which I'm completely happy for and I appreciate your feedback because it helps me better the story as a writer so thanks, my lovely reviewers:

Kookie-douwh: I'll try not to make the chapter's too lengthy to avoid having my readers zone out, I'm so used to writing 30+ pages for one of my stories and 20+ for another but having this AC story be shorter in length will hopefully have me posting them faster. I actually had to edit the outline because I totally left out Madagascar so that means more Altaїr time and we know Vivian's going to do something with lemurs. I'm so glad you liked the 'fresh prince' parody, I don't like having any of my characters sing songs from artists at all in stories so Vivian's actually my first but she parodies everything she screeches about (I also hate having my characters have the Mary Sue voice of an angel).

Flyingcrispi: Thank you so much, there's no way living near battle areas in the Crusades or venturing into the unknown during the 1190s would be anything but safe. There's always danger and with Vivian being a newborn baby in there, we go along for the ride because as modern day people, we'd probably be lost too (I'd be crying over the lack of decent toothbrushes).

Hollownature: You're welcome, thanks for liking it!

Morgause Lady of Avalon: I know, my semester drained the life out of me since that last update in march and I slept for two weeks straight until my energy came back. Vivian will undoubtedly keep him in check (by having him treat people politely) and embarrass him beyond anything (her crazy impersonations) but they'll grow on each other as time passes. So far, everything with Cyprus finished so they're in August of 1192 here, and Maria's traveling on her own to find answers but she'll return to Masyaf soon (she's pregnant, after all). I didn't see why she had to be a hardcore Templar either (but better that than Chalice girl, which I really don't understand as a writer or to its mythology), although I did like her boldness at avoiding her gender role, but the creators gave her a crappy death so I'm gonna avoid all that.

IpiRayan: Unpredictability is what she does best, especially with enemies. I already have her singing a song to Templars about why they should let her join while Altaїr sneaks in to kill them. It's parodied from the Simpsons 'Stonecutters' song as it starts, 'Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the Assassin's Order down?'.

Jake the Dog: Ah, I love your reviewer name! It's still a bit early for them to show any romance since they're at three weeks on the road but the tight knit friendship- which is a great starter in any romance- is on its way. I will use the 'baby song' ('Baby, I know what you need, You need your little assassin socks') since there was an Adventure marathon before the new season popped up and the song parodies came to me. I just finished making the one for 'Billy' ('Who's the greatest assassin ever? A hero of renown!') because Altaїr is a perfect match! Apparently, there was a reference to AC when LSP was transformed into a cyborg in that episode and she had the two hidden knives on her hands- or so, the wiki says.

What-I-Got: Thank you so much for spotting that problem, I corrected it as quickly as I saw it. I can't believe I let that one slip by my eye.

AdorethatFaith: Thanks a bunches, I hope you enjoy this chapter too!

Next time:

"All the assassins at Masyaf say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian
Walk like an Egyptian- ow!"

A resounding wet splat echoed the strike of Altaїr's paddle on her behind but the hit held no real strength, just a warning thump to tell her to be quiet before he did spank her like he'd done the first time. He'd repeatedly hit her every time she grinded his nerves and from his spot at the bow of the canoe, he justified with an irritated voice, "You've been singing that song nonstop for the last. . ."

Briefly glancing at the clear blue sky above, he pinpointed the sun's location and flatly stated, "Two hours. You need to stop before I drown you and grant the Egyptian people a favor."