Chapter 7 – The Artist and the Lamb

"Let me take a look"

We had arrived at our hotel room at about four in the morning and thus decided to wait a few more hours before starting to look for the roman bust, giving me the perfect opportunity to claim my condition as my curiosity was killing me. Carlisle did not seem to like my insistence on the matter as he probably hoped that I would forget about it altogether but he should have known better. I was a vampire after all and dare I say it, even if I were human I would remember this particular thing for long while. So, unfortunately for him and very opportunely for me, he was out of luck on this one subject.

"Are you sure that you don't wish to change your requirement to something else? Something more… interesting, perhaps, than a few scribbles on a piece of paper" He attempted to persuade but to no avail. My mind was set on the matter.

"No, I really don't and besides you did promise to show me in the name of our friendship, so…" I pointed out, leaving him with absolutely no available options to run from the subject.

"I did promise didn't I…?" He proceeded to sigh very heavily in defeat as he extended his sketchbook towards me "Very well, you win"

I giggled from absolute joy, not only from winning but also because this was the perfect opportunity to put some of the aspects of our last conversation into practice. They say that flipping through an artist's sketchbook is like reading their diary and we both did agree to show our real selves to one another. And what a perfect opportunity this was for it. Although, to be perfectly honest, I was simply curious to see how Carlisle saw the world, seeing what he saw, the way he saw it.

"You artists are always so afraid to show your work to others but really you have nothing to fear, I'm sure your artistic skills are as perfect as your medical ones" Said I, taking the sketchbook into my own hands as I walked towards the big armchair next to the window "You do both things with the same set of hands after all" I completed with a small chuckle.

As I sat down he remained silent not reacting even to my playful remark. Before I opened the sketchbook, I glanced back at him. He seemed lost in thought and worried, really worried, so much so that I questioned for the first time if I was doing the right thing in making him do this. Maybe it was too soon, after all, only minutes ago we were having a very serious conversation, deciding the fate of our relationship and how to move forward. It could be all to much for one night.

But, I must admit, this hesitation was rather brief as my curiosity took over, after all, I had been waiting for this moment since our first day at the Amalienborg and that was well over a month ago. So, for about fifteen minutes I flipped, quite slowly, through the sketchbook. Inside it's pages I found drawings of various sculptures and busts present in the palace, as well as master-copies of several paintings that were on display. Beautiful sketches of the palace's walls and rooms in oil pastel decorated the pages, with such an enchanting, dreamlike quality to them that one could not avoid getting lost in those pictures, making complete justice to the rococo style it obviously followed. And, although what I just described would make anyone, vampire or not, sustain their breath in marvel of such beauty, those were not the reason my heart skipped a bit, or would have, rather.

On most pages various portraits of the same woman filled up the space. They were done in charcoal and something about them seemed quite intimate. The woman was always looking somewhere else, never seeming to notice the artist that appeared to admire her so. In most, her eyes looked dead, almost as if lost in thought, simultaneously being present and absent. Still, there was a truth to those portraits that was undeniable, as if the artist completely understood the stranger siting across the room from him and whether it was inside the Amalienborg, at the local coffee shop, in the library, in the hotel room, he always seemed to see her.

"It is rather curious that there are more sketches of me than of anything else" I commented, my mouth dry, without taking my eyes of the pages just yet. I was too nervous for that, after all, I was embarrassed. I could not believed he had observed me so much and not in the most flattering of positions and expressions, might I add. If I had known he was going to draw me, first of all that would never have happened but still, I would have at least sat better, looked better. But, perhaps, that was exactly what made them so intimate to look at. I wasn't pretending, I wasn't trying to be perfect. I was just being… myself. And that scared me.

"I suppose… I have been trying to understand you better" He admitted and although I did not look at him I still noticed the nervousness in his voice. So, this was why he didn't want to show me the sketchbook.

"Any luck with that?"

"So far, no, not really" He confessed with small chuckle. I turned to the next page to find more drawings of my face. I almost frowned. There should be at least a hundred me's in the whole of the sketchbook. How he did not get bored was beyond me "Bella… I'm sorry, I should have asked for your permission…"

"No, ah…" I tried to brush off, after all, it was not big deal, right? It was just a couple of innocent drawings "It's okay, I mean, it is how you see the world, is it not? I could never blame you for that" Getting up, I walked to the couch he was sitting and extended the sketchbook to him "Just promise me you will not make me your muse" I teased, attempting to lighten the mood. It seemed to have the desired effect because his shoulders relaxed for the first time in minutes as he chuckled once more, his lips forming a delightful smile.

"You have my word"

"Good" There was a very awkward silence that followed for several minutes, neither of us knowing quite what to say next. I opted for the not so safe option of talking about something, anything, as long as it filled the unbearable silence we were experiencing "So… I see now that drawing was not just a cover story for our mission"

"No… I picked it up when I spent some time in Italy centuries ago" He explained as he put the sketchbook away "But I'm sure Edward filled you in on most of the details already"

"Hum… he mentioned that was when you meet the Volturi" I tried to recall when something difficult as I searched through my fuggy human memories "But not much more than that and beside I would like to hear the story from you directly"

"Well… there is not much more to tell in all honesty" He said as he looked at me searching, searching for any sign of genuine interest from my part and he must have found it because he ended up proceeding "Since I had turned I used up most of my available time to study and research most subjects, particularly the ones that had always picked my interest. By 1700 I had become a master in most subjects expect for art, so I decided what better way to learn about it than to travel to Italy and visit it's most emblematic artistic cities: Rome, Venice, Florence and learn from all their masters, such was the tradition at the time. After spending some time in the big cities, I ended up moving to Bergamo to study under the master Giacomo Adolfi as one of his apprentices. But I did not stay there very long, only about seven months I should say, for that was the time I meet the Volturi and was immediately intrigued by them. They were not nomads as all of my previous acquaintances with members of our kind, but civil and cultured, with as great of a respect for the arts as me. So, as you already know, I decided to stay with them. Although, I don't remember those times very fondly, I did learn a great deal about art and how to paint, draw and sculpt but as much as my artistic heart was satisfied I had to leave Volterra. Their way of life always disgusted me as well as the way they seemed to look at life as a mere chess game, playing with the lives of innocents to gain power and vassalage. That was and always has been their only goal, as you regrettably have come to understand quite well" His eyes seemed to darken with the memories those words evoked for both of us. I could still remember the smell of the snow just from thinking about the last time we had the pleasure of meeting the Volturi. Fortunately, he did not allow for those memories to linger around us for more than a few seconds as the darkness faded away from his features "But, as I was saying, in 1721 I moved to France, the ever rising new artistic country, to study again. After a few years working as local doctor, I ended up being accepted in the Royal Academy of Painting and Sculpture in Paris in 1734. I was delighted, after all, having the opportunity to learn under Boucher is still one of the highlights of my existence"

"You meet François Boucher?" I asked just to make sure, completely astonished.

"Don't be too excited" He said with a small chuckle, a hidden pain underneath his voice, like an old wound that never truly healed "He had a passionate hatred for all of my pieces"

"Passionate hatred? Are we talking about the same pieces? Because they seem quite amazing to me"

"You have seen only but a silly compilation of sketches not my real pieces and, believe me, Monsieur Boucher was right in the things he said. I am technically skilled, yes, but all of my pieces lack a soul, a true deep meaning and something like that is just not learned. That was the reason I got kicked out of the Academy" He explained resigned to the lies he had been told, as least I saw them as lies. I sat on the couch next to him as I looked at him directly in the eyes.

"You don't really believe that do you? I mean, I am no art expert but what you describe as silly sketches to me are some of the most intimate and deep portraits I have ever seen. And believe me, that is not easy for me to say because I'm the mysterious woman in your sketches and I would never have described myself that way. But that's just it, that is how you see me, how you see the world in your own unique way and that is certainly not soulless" I tried to explain as best as I could what I had felt when I gazed upon his work. My words were not the most poetic or truly did justice to what I felt but I still hoped he would understand, at least a little.

He smirked lightly, his eyes warm as his gaze fell towards my features, although, some surprise still lingered in them.

"You know… for someone that wishes to leave this world you still have a lot of passion left in you" He pointed out.

"I am passionate about the truth"

"Thank you… you are very kind" He expressed, touching my shoulder lightly, grateful for the support.

"What about your other pieces?"

"What pieces?"

"You mentioned I have never seen your actual work but I have been in your study many times and those paintings are quite beautiful"

"They are not mine" He admitted, his eyes lowering with the confession.

"What? How come?"

"I don't show my work to other people, I haven't since that time"

"You can't be serious? Not even to your family?" I questioned doubting his words, after all, they had all lived together for more than a century, in my mind it would be impossible to keep such a thing hidden from those he loved most. But, it seemed I was wrong because in response to my question he lightly shook his head negatively. Even more surprised I could not help but to ask "Esme…?" He sighed heavenly, his answer remaining the same. I could not contain the surprise on my features. Why? I wondered. Why would he not tell them something so important about himself?

"I could never bring myself to do it, I didn't want them to think less of me" Was his explanation, though, I sensed that there was more to it that he was not comfortable sharing at the moment.

"They would never think less of you for that and you know it… perhaps you were just not ready to show that side of yourself to them, although, I cannot imagine why…" I ventured to remark and I seemed to have hit the nail on the head as he smirked softly, melancholy in his eyes and something more that I did not yet understand.

"Perhaps…" He admitted, seeming rather eager to change the subject and as such I did not press him for more information on the matter "But to answer your question; all of my work is stored in a chateau in Provence since I left the Academy. Many times I thought to just get rid of it but something always stopped me. Call it sentimentality, if you will"

"Maybe I will get to see it one day" I ventured once more, even more curious now knowing the location of the chateau. It promised to be a beauty to look at.

"Now, now, do not push your luck" He teased, half serious, half mischievous.

"The tides are changing Carlisle, you can always change your mind" I teased back, my smile playful.

"The same could be say about your decision but of that you do not wish to hear" He remarked, a seriousness returning to his features, thoughts of my departure plaguing his mind. If I were honest it seemed like such a long way to go for my ending that I hadn't given it much thought, but, now, I could see that me leaving would hurt him. I did not wish to think about it at the moment. Something for later, perhaps.

"It's not the same thing" I pointed out, my smile remaining on my features as I did not want the mood to change to a heaver one.

"Yes, it is"

"No, it is not"

"Yes, it is"

"Okay!" I agreed in defeat, raising both of my hands as I had an idea to put an end to that conversation, at least for a while. I did not wish for us to fight over this now "Let's do it like this; if you consider my request I will consider changing my mind" Was my proposition. He was quite intrigued by this, sitting up straight in his seat, searching my features for additional information that I was not providing.

"You are willing to gamble with your life for a bunch of paintings?"

"It is my life to gamble and do with it what I please" I replied firmly, my gaze never leaving his.

"But do you mean what you said?"He pressed, not convinced.

"In all honesty, I don't know…" I confessed, opting for the truth, after all, I did not wish to give him hope where there was none. Though, I knew that somehow it was exactly what I was going. He sighed.

"Alright, I will consider it and you can count on me to hold you to your word" He agreed, satisfied with my honesty. He extended his hand for a quick handshake.

"Remember, I said consider" I warned, placing my hand into his.

"And consider you shall; it is better than the alternative" He concluded as he shook my hand lightly, sealing our agreement.

We stayed like so for a few more seconds than normal, just looking at each other, our gazes lingering from our eyes to the hands that remained together, his grasp tightening ever so slightly. I wished to say something more but I could not find the right words, the right moment, so instead I allowed the silence to consume us. It was somehow both comfortable and uncomfortable, like placing a hand near a flame. One wrong move and one could get burned but if a balance was kept it was as sheltering as being home.

His lips opened slightly, as if about to say something but I was faster.

"The sun is rising" I stated, untangling my hand from his.

"Yes… we should get going" He agreed as if waking up from a dream.

And how i wished I could have kept dreaming but that would not be the case. A month did end up passing without any more leads and it was time to say goodbye to our partners. Zafrina and Seth were sweet enough to take a plane to Denmark to meet us for a short period. Zafrina was going back to the Amazon Forest and Embry was reluctantly coming back to the Reservation. As an Alpha it was his duty. He did apologize many, many times but I reassured him that everything was alright, that he should go back to living his own life. It was indeed the healthiest. And, after spending four days with us in Copenhagen they left for good. There were lots of tight hugs, well wishes and even tears, with me reminding Embry that we would see each other soon since Charlie's wedding was only about a month away.

I would like to say that things got better after that but I would be lying. Even Carlisle was starting to lose hope. We searched and searched for that godawful bust and had nothing to show for our efforts. I started to wonder if Zafrina was right, that it was all a deception from the Volturi. Doubt was springing into Carlisle's mind as well, he had mention it a few times by now and, to be honest, I did not know that to say. I did not want to be the one stating the obvious. Every day that passed by I thought to myself, one more day, just more today. But the today's turned into weeks and before I knew it we were two weeks away from Charlie's wedding which seemed now a good distraction from all our frustrations in Denmark. And I had to admit, I missed Forks. I missed my dad, for the most part.

At the present moment, it was a Wednesday and a little over 6 pm. I remained seated on a table at one of our favorite cafes near the waters the flowed around the city. An untouched Earl Grey tea with soy milk remained on the table as I read through the book that Carlisle had gifted me weeks prior as my danish had improved quite a bit. I had been so distracted that I did not notice the slight noise of pencil being applied to paper. I looked back and caught him, sketchbook in hand, gaze in my direction. He left the pencil fall and I took such opportunity to get up and walk rather fast to his table. I stood next to him, arms folded to express how angry I was.

"I told you not to make me your muse"

"You're not" He insisted, smirking softly as he quickly closed the sketchbook.

"So you keep telling me but then why do you need so many drawings of my face?" I pressed, still not amused.

"To remember" He clarified, his expression turning slightly serious.

"Remember what?" I asked my voice softer now as I sat down next to him.

"You, if… well, if you do not change your mind"

"Okay… but don't you think it is a little invasive?" I said playfully, understanding rather well what he meant. I still did not want to talk about the subject with him and only dared to wish that he would just drop it. So I did my best to take his mind off it "Imagine if I did this to you" Taking the camera that was around my neck and turning it on, I started taking multiple pictures of him on various angles and in ridiculous ways, calling out his name almost like a paparazzi would around a celebrity.

This made him laugh rather loudly, a type of laugh that was imperfect not like a vampire's but his own which in turn made me smile as well.

He ended up taking the camera off my hands gently and placed it around his neck.

"Fine, fine, I see your point" He said in defeat, a smile still lingering on his lips.

"Look, if it means that much, I will pose for you" I suggest as it probably would be best to actually leave something behind for him to remember me by, if it was not to painful.

"Do you even know what you are offering? It is hours upon hours of sitting still" He warned, surprised by my suggestion but I could see a genuine excitement in his features that he tried to hide.

"I'm a vampire, it shouldn't be too hard for me to sit still for a while and besides you can do it in vampire speed, can you not?"

"Yes but it would still take a while" He alerted once more.

"I don't mind that, as long as I know that you are not drawing my face when I least expect it, in the most unflattering of poses, I'm good" I assured him as he smirked in delight at my response, showing his true feelings.

"Okay then, you have been warned" And then suddenly his features darkened ever so slightly. Something was on his mind and I did not know if I wished to know what it was. But it mattered not what I wished "Listen, I have been meaning to ask since that night on the bridge but… it was never the right time" He tried to explain, gazing at my features for confirmation if he could proceed. I nodded affirmatively, after all, he had already started to form the question might as well finish it "You are not wearing your wedding rings"

It wasn't a question but a simple observation. But I could sense the actual question lingering around us. Why? Why wasn't I wearing them?

I had to admit, it wasn't a conversation that I particularly wanted to have but I had also promised him that I would be truthful. As such, I tried my best to be so.

"No… I threw both rings into the canal on that night" I admitted the obvious "It was time and I… realized something at the time"

"What?" He questioned, his eyes inquiring and worried as he voice lowered.

"That you were right. I am a fixer, all my life I tried to fix others as I saw no other purpose for my existence" I confessed, unable to sustain his gaze.

"Bella, please, I should never have said those things, they aren't the truth" He pressed, apprehensive now.

"Yes, they are and you know it. Don't deny it to make me feel better; it's okay" I tried to reassure him, placing my hand upon his, my gazing remain there "It gave me a chance to reflect on my life, my choices and on my mistakes. That was one of them" I explained the best that I could as it was not easy for me to have such conversations, especially one's that involved Edward.

"You regret getting married?" He questioned with caution, his voice even lower than before, surprise emanating from it.

"I regret everything Carlisle, everything. If I knew what I know today about the world, about myself, I would never have done the things I did, I would never have stayed with Edward, I would never have chosen to become a vampire"

I could not believe I had just admitted those things out loud and in front of him, I did not wish to hurt him with my words but they were the truth, they were what I felt deep inside of me.

"Carlisle, I'm sorry, I did not mean to-"

I felt his arms around me, his scent invading me. I did not expect it, this sudden comfort but I also did not mind it. I needed it. As such, I wrapped my arms around him as well, my head resting on his chest, the calming smell of jasmine consuming me as I closed my eyes.

"I'm the one that is sorry, Bella" He apologized, his words crashing softly against my forehead, surprising me.

"It's not your fault" I insisted, still in his arms, puzzled by his apology. It did not make sense.

"Oh, but it is" He insisted, his voice hard now "If only I had acted and did what was right your life would have been much different but I was too blinded by my selfish fantasies to act"

Upon hearing his surprising words the pieces of the puzzle started to align as I finally understood some of his action. It all made so much sense now. The way he felt responsible for me, his enigmatic words, his guilt, his wish to not attend the wedding. I did not understand his reasoning for feeling this way, after all, he could not control the actions of two people, but at least I could see his thought process, whether I agreed with it or not.

"Wait… is that why you didn't want to come to the wedding?"

As I asked this, the arms that entangled my body disappeared gently as he stepped away in order to look at me. His eyes darken, consumed with guilt as he nodded affirmatively, a burden so heavy as an entire city resting upon his features.

"How can I look at your father, knowing what I did"

"You did nothing" I tried to reassure him, as I place a comforting hand on his face.

"Exactly, you're right" He softly took me hand from his cheek, placing it in my lap before responding, his eyes seeming to darken even more which was not my intent "I did nothing and because of that I ruined your life so much so that you do not wish to live in this world anymore" I shuddered slightly hearing his words, the guilt in them. He felt responsible for it all "I will live forever with the guilt of the life my son took"

"You don't mean that…" I could not help but to say, shocked by his words.

"I do" He confirmed, his eyes gentle now as he understood what was going on inside my mind. He stood now closer, his faces mere inches from mine "Bella, you wanted the truth and this is it, raw and naked"

I could not find the words to answer his statement for I knew he spoke the truth and there was nothing I could say to make it better, to make him feel better. So, I just remained there, frozen, unable to say or do anything at all.

"But I'm making it all about myself again when this is about you" He said, withdrawing his proximity and the intensity that came with it "Have you felt better since you took the rings off?"

"Yes… freer and a bit more like myself" I managed to admit, still unable to think quite clearly due to his proximity moments ago.

"Good… good, I'm glad" He congratulated, a shadow of smile growing on his lips.

"You have also taken yours" I pointed out without thinking as I just wished to take the attention off of myself. He seemed surprised my words and took a few seconds to respond.

"Yes… I took it off two months after the battle"

"Wow, I wish I was as wise as you to understand my emotions that fast and grieve properly. It would have spared a lot of trouble for many people" I commented with a small chuckle, truly impressed by how quickly he grieved.

"It had nothing to do with wisdom" His voice was so sad, so melancholic, that I had to lift my gaze to look upon his features.

"Then, with what? You loved Esme so much, you spend almost a century together" I said trying to understand, to decipher the pain and regret in his eyes.

"The decision to take it off was about so much more than Esme, it was also about me and my old life, my old self"

Before he could finish was he was saying my phone started ringing. I was about to turn it off when his hand stopped me.

"Pick it up, it's your father; we can finish this conversation later" He insisted as I looked at him not convinced. He probably was just trying to run away from the topic of conversation. Understanding my distrustful expression, he smiled gently "I promise"

As I picked up the call, I realized very shortly after that our time in Denmark had come to an end as my father needed my help with some last minute wedding preparations. Apparently, things were so chaotic on his end of things that he managed to set his tuxedo on fire. So, it seemed that it was time to say goodbye to Copenhagen for a while and hello to Forks, Washington.

Author's note: Dear readers, thank you so very much for reading chapter 7, one of my favorites till date to write! Thank you once more for the lovely reviews, favorites and follows! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I will see you on the next one!