Chapter 12 – Hope

Still submerged in the comforting waters of the bathtub, I contemplated my confession and what to do about it. It seemed so simple: I would just have to wait until those feelings dissolved themselves and then everything would be alright. But being with him all the time did not help much with that task and the worst of all was that I did not wish to loose my friend. Part of me did not want to give him up but… I would have to. If not now than eventually. I had to withdraw my closeness with him. No more touching hands, no more embraces, no more kisses. I would be a good person, I wouldn't do that to Edward.

But then… why did that feel so wrong? The simple thought of not being so close with him anymore broke me from the inside out. I felt shattered and conflicted. What should I do?

I emerged from the water, sighing deeply, deciding in those then that no matter what I felt at the moment that some distance would indeed be a positive thing, even if it was just so I could clear my mind. Yes, it would do me some good as I also needed to start focusing on finding Alice and Benjamin once more. It was time to leave Provence behind and if I was lucky also this feelings that complicated everything.

Two days passed since then, quite slowly, as I kept up with what I had planned to do. I spent most of my time alone in the library as I began to write a short story, more to dump in it all my feelings than anything else. That task had occupied most of my time but I also had time to search through the books in the library that mentioned the god Janus, thinking that perhaps we had missed something about him or were looking at the situation all wrong from the beginning.

It was now 2 am and I was just finishing my latest chapter when I heard footsteps coming from the door. I ignored them and kept on writing, preparing myself for another interaction where I would not have a clue how to act in order not to show everything that I was feeling.

I felt a pair of hands rest on my shoulders in a comforting manner, making me hold my breath as I bit my lip. I had to keep it together. Just for a few minutes. Yup, I could do that. Of course. Easy.

"What are you doing there?"

"Writing" I answered almost listlessly, not daring to look up.

"Can I read it?" He pressed, his voice playful as he placed his chin on top of my head, attempting to read the page I was working on. I turned it over in order for him not to take a single peek at my words, some of it was about him after all.

"No, I haven't finished it yet"

"I'm glad to hear you say those words because now you cannot question me about seeing my unfinished work either" He teased with a small chuckle.

"Touché, you caught me" I tried to say this words in playful manner but it came out sounding way too unenthusiastic to feel believable. He noticed it too of course and stood now by my side in order to look upon my features.

"Bella… is everything alright?" As he asked me this I could not keep my gaze away from him for much longer, he would then know for sure that something was indeed wrong. As I looked upon his features I saw so much worry that I could not help but to feel guilty about it. He didn't need any of this. I should be able to pretend better but somehow it was so difficult to lie to him. I just… couldn't seem to do it. Not in a convincing way anyway.

"Yes, yes, of course; why would you think that it isn't"

"Well… because you have been acting strange since that night; was it something that I did?" He questioned, his eyes gentle, compassionate, as he place his hand on top of mine, making it all so much more difficult for me. Although, I thought that opting to say at least half of the truth was my best bet in order to dismiss his concerns.

"No… you did nothing wrong… I just… realized something about myself and I'm trying to deal with it the best that I can"

"Anything that I can help with?" He asked, his gaze deep into mine, looking, searching for more information.

"No…; I'm sorry that I'm being so vague but… I don't feel like sharing it at the moment" I tried to explain, a vulnerability in my eyes that I could not disguise. I knew he understood that he was indeed getting nothing out of me at the moment as he fortunately decided to sigh and reassure me with the next words.

"Alright… but I will be here for you when you need me; you know that, don't you?"

"I do…"

Satisfied with my answer, he turned to leave the library but I heard him hesitate near the door. I stopped breathing, fearing what he was going to say next. Fearing that I would not be able to bare it.

"Isabella…" His voice was vulnerable, making me look in his direction "There is something I had been meaning to tell you…"He stated with a most serious expression on his features.

"Me too"

"You go first then" He said, seeming intrigued and slightly hopeful which confused me. But still, I uttered the words that I had wished to for two day now.

"I think we should go back to Denmark"

And in less than twenty-four hours, back there we were. I could not lie and pretend that I wouldn't miss Provence terribly. After all, it was the only place on this earth where I felt that I could be myself. But it broke me to know that I could not give all the credit to Provence and it's green fields, the warmth of the sun, the smell of lavender. I thought of his paintings, his touch on my skin, marble on marble, ice on ice, that affection I so craved engraved in my mind.

I would have to forget it all. It wasn't real; what I felt. The sooner I realized how fleeting one's feelings could be the better. And in due time, it would all be nothing more than a forgotten dream, as beautiful as it may be.

For a few more weeks things did remain just the same. Our old search routine resumed like we were never gone in the first place. I also made a point to keep my distance from him as I promised myself, though, I did not have much to show for my efforts. The feelings were still there and stronger than ever as I continued to not know what to do. I was becoming more and more impatient with myself and the only thing that seemed to help was writing. I had already filled half a notebook with my short, now very long, story, trying my best not to despair as I waited for my heart to change course. But it stubbornly did not seem to want to budge on the matter.

Unfortunately reader, I cannot say that our search was much better than the matters of the heart as we could not find the bust promised by Alice's clue many months ago. And by and by quitting became the most logical course of action. Both of us did not want to say it out loud but I knew it was on our minds. As such that made me consider the future. What would I do if we stopped the search altogether? Would I still wish for Carlisle to end my life? I did not know. With the way things were part of me thought that perhaps that would be the better option, at least, he could be free of me, of my sinful feelings. But another part of me wondered what it would be like if I just choose to move somewhere quiet, away from Forks, somewhere new and just… write and one day maybe publish my stories… my books? It seemed idyllic, like something that would be too good for someone like me. Did I deserve that? The second chance I had began to crave? Perhaps… perhaps not.

At present, I was writing a simple poem, actually I wouldn't call it a poem at all, it was more of my feelings scattered aimlessly on a piece of paper. It was then that he entered our suite and walked to where I was writing. Before I could stop him, he took the paper off my hands and started to read it. In panic I tried to take it way from him but without much success. I prayed and prayed he could not understand the meaning of my words as I became more and more nervous while he continued to read it. First with a playful smile on his lips but it was then that his smirk faded away, his expression becoming serious, so serious I thought, at the time, that he had figured it all out. What a disgrace! What was he to think of me?

He extended the piece of paper back to me gently and sat slowly at the end of the bed.

"Forgive me… I shouldn't have done that" There was torment on his features, try as he might to disguise it. He knew. And he hated me for it. I tried my best not to despair as I could not even sustain his gaze.

"No… you shouldn't have but since you did, I beg you not to think too badly of me…" Was my pathetic plead, my voice only a phantom of a whisper as I crumpled the piece of paper in my hands, cursing it.

"What reason would I have to do that? I could never judge you for still being in love with Edward"

Hearing his confusing words made me look up. His gaze remained on my direction, his confused expression mirroring my own. Oh, so that's how it was then. He did not know the poem was about him. I wondered if that was a good thing or not; letting him think it was about Edward. But, of course, it was, what was I thinking? Like that he would never know my true dark desires. Still, it was difficult to lie well when around him, so all I could manage to utter was a simple.

"I…"

"You don't have to explain yourself to me; it's quite alright to still be grieving" He said, dismissing any words I was about to say, reassuring me kindly, gently, that everything was alright. Only it really wasn't "Actually, it is normal"

"I suppose so…"I agreed, playing into my charade but not daring to look into his eyes. Although in those moments I really should have "But… ah…. you never ended up saying what you wished to tell me back in Provence" I reminded in an attempt to persuade him to focus his mind on another topic. Any topic.

"I think now is not quite the right time…" He expressed, slightly displeased by my choice of subject. Nevertheless, I pressed him on it. In part because I had been intrigued about it since he said those words and also due to the fact that no other topics of conversation came to mind at the moment.

"Perhaps it is the perfect time"

And to my surprise it seemed that I had indeed persuaded him on the matter because his expression changed. It appeared resolute, as if making a critical decision on those precious seconds, though, his features remained quite serious, making me question if pressing him on the matter was actually the best course of action. No matter the answer to that question, there was no turning back.

"You might be right…; I should finish what I started once and for all and then…"

"Then what?" I was able to murmurer when he did not finish.

"Then I will make my decision, though I think now it will not make much of a difference anyway" He stated, his eyes darkening, a brokenness to his features that I wished I never saw.

"Carlisle, you speak in riddles…"

"Ah, I beg your pardon once more; allow me to get straight to the point" He said without much emotion as he gestured for me to sit next to him. When I did, he breathed in deeply, closing his eyes for only but a second, before he began his confession "Do you remember what I told you at dawn in the day you first saw my paintings?"

Of course I did. I remembered everything. Every word. Every touch. But he did not need to know that. And the more I looked at his expression the more I knew this was serious, perhaps, the most serious conversation we would ever have.

"Something about you being afraid that I saw you completely, as you are…"

"Well… I'm still afraid but, nevertheless, I need to tell you the whole truth, about myself, about who I really am"

To say that I was nervous was an understatement. I did not know what to expect, how to react, as I could not believe he was about to confide in me his deepest, darkest secret, the reason he felt that he could never truly show himself to anyone. And he decided to open up to me about it. A secret so dark he was afraid I was going to leave his side due to it. I felt privileged that he trusted me so much, honored even. I only wished I could see him as he saw me – as friend. If so I would not have a million thoughts plaguing my mind at the moment.

I had to focus. This was about Carlisle, not me.

As such, I decided to be what I truly was deep inside. A friend. And with a gentle smile, I encouraged him to proceed.

"Do you recall when I said I was desperate for love?" I nodded affirmatively "To get it I committed the ultimate sin, though, for many years I never saw it as such. I turned humans into vampires. And I know quite well that you are already familiar with the story of how my family came to be; everyone knew and nobody ever questioned it, not even me. But it should have been questioned, at least morally"

Of everything I expected him to say, that was the last thing on my mind. To know that he regretted turning his family. I did not make any sense to me but than again I knew very little and what I started to know about him made me realize that such a possibility was not that far fetched. Still, I could not help but to ask in a low whisper, looking deeply into his eyes.

"You turned people that were dying, Carlisle, is that really so grate of a sin?"

"For over a century I thought like you, that I wasn't a sin, that it was something noble even" He stated, irony melting from his voice as his gaze remained away from my own, unable to sustain it. Anger seemed to transpire from him, his whole body language told me that much and the only thing I wished to do was to hold him and tell him that everything would be alright. But I didn't; I couldn't "But I was wrong. It was the most horrid of sins and you know why that is? I took their choice way from them and the option I choose was deeply selfish. They were better dead than having to live this terrible life, always craving blood, never aging, doomed to live forever while their loved ones died, over and over again. I hate this life, what I became, and still I choose to give others the same fate? And for what? Because I was lonely? It was not their fault but still they payed the price. And I will never forgive myself for that. And before you say anything at all, must I remind you how tormented Edward was, how Rosalie hated every single day of her existence, wishing I had just left her to die instead. How Esme's pain never went way and only became more suffocating and difficult to bare year after year, turning to our family to fill the void that she felt, to fill the void that I could never fulfill.." His voice broke with last words, his eyes darkening, fists closed "And then you…" His gaze was now directed at me as I saw all the emotions present in eyes and they broke me, their intensity "You came into our lives and it was with you that I knew… I truly knew what I had done. After seeing you sacrifice everything to save Edward, to fill his void… I started to realize my part in all of this. It was never your job to fix what I broke. I should have left him to die in peace on that day, as a human, but instead I wanted him to fill the emptiness I felt inside of me. And for a while it worked, but now I ask, Isabella, at what cost…?" His voice broke again, waiting for me answer.

But I could not give it. My heart ached, deeply, painfully, as if was about to die all over again. Words refuse to form themselves. And I must admit to you, reader, that I would have cried if I could. There was nothing in this world that I wished to do more. To release the pain that felt, the strong feelings that haunted me in those moments. Because… he was right.

No amount to personal pain justified his actions, justified what the others suffered. But…, still, I understood him because in a way I was him. I had also done the unthinkable for love, in the pursuit of it. I had condemned most of my loved ones to die on that battlefield, for my own selfish reasons. But, I had also come to understand that perhaps I was worthy of a second chance. So… why not him also?

Seeing I did not answer, he proceeded, his voice hardening.

"Then, the last straw was on that snowy day nine months ago. After witnessing all that death around me, I knew then that the consequences of my mistakes were far deeper and greater than what I thought before. I realized I had never truly loved and had been loved for centuries because I have never shown who I am, I have never been truly myself…; deep down I always knew that what had done was wrong and selfish but I choose to ignore it and decided to just be everything to everyone that I turned, they were my responsibility and I had to be perfect as the life I choose for them was already an enormous burden to bare" He started to take something out of one of his pockets. In his hand laid now a chain with a golden wedding ring on it. I stopped breathing altogether when he showed it to me in the balm of his "After I buried them, I took my wedding ring off as a promise: that as long as lived I would never turn anyone ever again and bring more misery to us all. So, you see… I am not so much the kind man everyone thinks me to be"

"You are still that man, more so now than ever"

"Did you not hear anything I told you just now?" He questioned, anger and confusion filling his voice, his eyes never leaving the small golden ring.

"Indeed I did and you're right, I cannot sit here and deny that your actions were the best, that it wasn't a mistake to turn everyone, especially after hearing the whole story as I know better than anyone how horrid this life truly is. So, I do understand what you are saying quite clearly and yes, they did not deserve the fate that they got. But neither did you" I tried to reason with him, making him understand my truth. He could not help but to look at me now. There was a pain in his eyes but also something more, something intense and stronger that was not there before.

"Didn't I?"

"No, you did not. You did not choose this life either, that choice was also taken away from you"

"Doesn't mean it was right to do same thing to others" He stated, his eyes darkening once more.

"No, it doesn't. But, as you say, even as vampires we are flawed and human in nature and you made a mistake, a mistake anyone in your position would have made"

"Isabella…" He whispered my name, his voice broken as he stroke my face gently, lovingly "You are indeed too kind or too blind not to see the monster that stands right in front of you"

Forgetting my promise, I placed my hand on top his for comfort, for reassurance; a determination in my gaze, the voice that uttered the next words stronger than before. I had to make him understand.

"You are no such thing and shall never be, at least to me. You should know that one does unspeakable things for love, for any kind of affection. You did what you thought best in an unimaginable situation; believe me, I know the feeling well, I have felt it for most of my life and I have also made my share of mistakes in order to fill such a void. The pain is so unbearable that you feel like you would rather die and be rid of it than to live all of the ages of this world in agony, longing for something you feel is unreachable to you and only you. So… I know of the pain you speak of and I haven't felt it for centuries like you but still it nearly destroyed me and almost everyone that I love. I cannot even imagine feeling that way for so long and not go completely mad. So, you see… you and I are the same"

He took his hand away from me swiftly, his gaze onto the floor unable to sustain my own. His voice vexed, a slight disgust coming from it.

"Do not even compare yourself to me"

On impulse, I took once more his hand into my own, my voice hardening, daring him to look once more into my features.

"And why shouldn't I? We both feel the same things, our hearts long to feel the love we so crave but we are also learning that sometimes love as to come from within and that making mistakes in the pursuit of love is just another part of being human" My voice became gentler as we locked eyes once more, his surprise apparent to me "You are allowed forgiveness, Carlisle, just like I was… you have shown me that much… don't take it all back now"

As I pleaded for the final time I wondered if my words had been enough as I could not decipher what was going through his mind at the moment. But it seemed I had broken at least a little bit of his walls as he took the hand I still held into his lips and kissed it, his voice vulnerable but also much gentler than before.

"I won't… I only wonder what I did to deserve you"

"You loved me, unconditionally; you deserve the same kindness back"

"No… it's not just that. You get me… like no one else, it's almost like… were are made from two sides of the same coin" I bit my lip trying not to show how his words made me feel as he tightened the grasp on my hand one final time before letting me go, leaving me burning for more "I don't know how to thank you for your words, for your friendship"

"Thank me by being free of this burden, this guilt, that shadows your life" I said with a gentle smile, meaning every word as I ignored everything else that I felt. Now was not the time for it.

He smiled back.

"I can try"

"Good…"

We remained like so for a few seconds, just looking into each others eyes while I wished for everything I knew I could never have. I had to give up. But how? How could I when he looked at me like that?

"You know…" Said he, breaking the silence "I never thought you truly listened when I talked to you about your struggles"

"I will always listen to you" I stated, a seriousness to my eyes that I did not intend to show "Even when I wish not to"

"And why would you wish not to?" He questioned in a whisper, intrigued.

"Because you make me question everything that I know, everything that was set in stone in my life. At the beginning it was an inconvenience but now I see that I am a better person because of it"

He looked away for a few seconds, a melancholic smirk growing on his lips as he sighed.

"You are giving me too much credit"

"And you are not giving yourself enough"

"Touché" He said as we both chuckled lightly as we exchanged the same words from the night he first painted my portrait. How things had changed since then "I only wish I could do more"

"More? Have you any idea what you already done?" I questioned with a frown. Had his compassion no limits?

"It does not matter… because I wonder, sometimes, if the void you have inside of you for Edward will ever heal. I wish I could make that pain go away, but I can't" He stated, his voice more broken than before. I started to question if I did the right thing in letting him think that I still loved Edward but what was the alternative? I could not tell him the truth. As such, I continued to go along with my lies as guilty as that made me feel. It was the best for everyone.

"It's not your place… nor your responsibility; it is mine and mine alone" I said with a soft smile, my eyes determined "Okay?" He sighed deeply.

"Okay…"

I got up quickly, having an idea to hopefully make him feel better about everything he had just told me.

"Now, come on" I said, gesturing for him to get up. He frowned, confused.

"Where are we going?"

"You will see; and take the ring with you"

Minutes later we were passing through the gardens near the Amalienborg. I lead him through them, only stopping when we reached the river that flowed right in front of the palace. For a while we only looked at the sunset that was painted on the water all around us, a gentle breeze comforting our souls. When he gazed once again at me he had already realized what my intention was coming there.

"Do you really think that it is going to work?" He questioned, taking a chain from his pocket and looking at it as sunlight reflected on the gold.

"It's not a magical cure but it does mark a start to it" I said remembering my own experience, although I was not inside of him to know for sure what he was feeling. As such, I added "You need not do this if you don't wish it"

He took my hand into his own.

"No, I want to… it is the right thing to do… to start letting my guilt go for the first time; thank you…"

He looked one last time at the chain and than threw it into the waters of Denmark. We watched it go in silence, staying there for a long, long time. He never let go of my hand, his grasp tightening more and more as the minutes passed.

"And now they will sleep together for all eternity under the stars" He stated, referring to our rings.

"It is our hope…"

"It is…"

I turned my back on the water and it was then, in those precious moments, when I was feeling hope for our salvation for the first time, that I saw it. In the fountain ahead of us, now that the water games were not working, it could be read in its interior edges the names of various roman gods. And one of them was Janus. I gasped. Could it really be?

Without much explanation, I took his hand into my own and lead him to the fountain. I pointed to the name and he looked at me in surprise, hope filling his features. We got back to the hotel immediately and made preparations as we had to wait for the cover of the night not to alert the humans. When we came back at about 4 am, we busied ourselves analyzing the writing and then when I touched it for the first time, looking for clues, a hidden staircase reviled itself, daring us to follow it under the foundations of the fountain.

We looked at each other. There was hope in our eyes but also fear. What would we find? And who?

Taking a deep breath, I started to walk down the stairs with Carlisle right behind me. The passage closed behind us, trapping us inside wherever we were. Not good. We now had no choice but to find another way out.

We continued to walk slowly through those tight and dark underground corridors, listening to every single sound around us, even the smallest ones. Our vampire vision helped us move about but it wasn't quite enough in such darkness, only the light of our flashlights illuminating the path. For hours we wondered through those dark corridors without finding much until we reach a clearing. It was illuminated by torchlight and vampires with the Volturi guard attire remained there guarding something. As I looked around I could see that in circle were various cells that held no prisoners. But then I realized that they were indeed holding something.

Body parts. Of vampires. They were held by iron chains against the wall, the various parts separated from each other so the vampires could not regenerate themselves as only fire truly killed us. I felt sick. It was the most horrifying way of torture. They felt everything and they could not speak or move from were they stood. I dared to think that death was better than what they had to endure.

I looked at Carlisle and he seemed as horrified as I was. But we had to keep our heads cool. We came there for a reason and it was to find more ways to reach Alice and Benjamin. I wondered if they were there, amongst the others, suffering the unimaginable. Although something told me that they weren't. Aro like Alice too much to keep her in such a state; he had plans for her.

Fortunately, for us there were only five guards in there and although we were less in number I had Carlisle at my side, an experienced fighter, and my gift to protect us both if this vampires had any gifts. We counted to three and in a split second we were on top of them, the element of surprise working in our favor. In less than two minutes it was all over, their bodies burning around us. We were lucky. There was no gifted vampires amongst them but that only made me fear that there were more of the Volturi somewhere around, which meant we had to be quick.

We debated if we should release all of the prisoners but we did not have the time to do so. Sooner our later more Volturi would come and we needed to find the next clue left by Alice. We started by looking at the walls that surrounded us for any kind of writing or code but found nothing. We moved to the cells, looking for more writing. I could barely look at the state of the bodies but there was nothing I could do; I had to keep looking.

And it was then, entering the last remaining cell that my heart fell to my feet. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I could not say a single word. He was there… there alive… and broken, in agony. For the first time since the beginning of our search I understood Alice perfectly. Of course she had sent us there. Of course she had...

Because, there amongst the horror in the darkness laid her life.

Jasper.

Author's note: Dear readers, thank so much for reading chapter 12! I had been keeping this little secret to myself since the beggining of the story and I'm so glad that I was finally able to share it, eheh. Thank you so much for the lovely review, follows, and favorites! I do hope you enjoyed this chapter and I will see on the next one!