Inspired By: Jesper Kyd- 'Istanbul'

When Disney Meets Altaïr

Their last view on Egyptian architecture came at the Valley of the Kings near the Thebes area after Vivian told Altaïr he'd be missing a piece of remarkable history that withstood the passage of time and he took the detour to shut her up. The woman had grown smart in her form of verbal attack as she used her valuable asset of screeching music into his ears when her words didn't make effect. He would be kicking himself mentally within the hour for agreeing with her . . . and for allowing himself to become captivated with the vast valley.

The trio had left their trusty canoe next to a debris field on the river, covering it with twigs and leaves to conceal it in case anybody passed by. Vivian highly doubted it but Altaïr left no leeway when it concerned possible theft since he worked hard for his purchases. The area was entirely deserted as civilization had faded away within the last two hours of their trip so they were on their own in the foreign land. The travelers stood on a large sand dune, the Valley of the Kings providing a beautiful scenic view in the background as Vivian smiled with disbelief to the historic site. This was a moment that no other student in her classes had witnessed but yearned to see in their lifetimes- it was a privilege to stand on the earth that ancient Egyptians had walked on. There were no words to describe what she felt as her passion for history had shifted into reality as she traveled alongside the assassin. She was sunburnt, thirsty, itchy, and probably a little stinky, but nobody in her time could say the same.

Turning to Altaïr, she spoke from the heart as her voice shook softly, "Thank you for bringing me here."

He nodded quietly as his actions spoke volumes and also, he didn't want her to become a leech on him again. She held no issues embracing others openly but he wasn't the type to initiate physical contact with anybody. There was a light breeze in the wind and he could see the heat distorting the view in the horizon as temperatures remained the same. He began descending the hill in the direction of the monuments that Ramesses II built which alerted Vivian and she asked quickly, "Wait, where are you going?"

"To see the tombs, we're already here" he explained nonchalantly as his white robes fluttered in the wind and Vivian scrambled after him down the hill, raising a veil of sand. Malik stayed on top for a moment to relish a small moment of peace but was dismayed that Altaïr chose this time to explore. Did he not realize how hot it was? He was pretty sure he saw a bird on fire on their way to the valley.

Vivian pulled up the hood of her robes to keep the sand away from entering her eyes and pointed out hastily, "This place is sacred during these times and their discoveries will come later. It's best to just look at it from afar and don't wander close- like Masyaf."

"I'm not wandering inside, just looking at the architecture" Altaïr stated matter-of-factly since he carried no fear on old deserted places and headed for the nearest tomb area. Vivian worried over every little thing when they ventured into historic sites but Altaïr could handle himself in those iffy situations. On the other hand, he could empathize with the woman since she carried none of his skills but he would prepare her to face the world. He pointed towards the great valley that stretched for miles as Vivian reached his side with tired pants and explained, "People that are centuries old lie dormant within those walls, it reminds me of our tombs. They're myths, of course, since nobody has found one but only the greatest of assassins have been buried in such a way similar to Egyptians."

"It's not a myth, there are many tombs that will be found by your descendants- oddly enough, all in Italy" Vivian enlightened with a curious tone at the end about that fact and Altaïr was all ears. She found it strange how so many assassins ended up in Italy itself and wondered if the Templars had spread to their lands to the point that it caused retreats by the assassin's order. Specks of sand tickled her lips as she walked through the sand and Vivian covered her mouth with her sleeve to state enthusiastically, "There's one that belongs to this country but she is long gone, the killer of Cleopatra. You will need these tombs to unlock a gift to your descendants on top of your own but alas, you pull a Houdini and your body isn't there- just a very fancy statue of you. You're even wearing that same frown on your lips, it's apparently eternal."

Malik laughed to her subtle joke as her voice carried over the silent landscape and asked with curiosity, "How would we even find all of them and hide them Italy?"

"I don't know- assassin magic?" she grinned impishly to the awesome gift of superpowers that would have her burned at the stake and received a whack to the head from Altaïr. That ought to bring her head out of the clouds and back to reality. She whined in resemblance to a kitten as she held her head protectively and complained with a humorous pout, "Hey, you promised not to hit me anymore. I have a very soft head, you know."

Altaïr simply pushed her along with a gentle hand to keep moving since her head was anything but soft. He remembered butting heads with her in Giza's inn and the crash had not been soft as she'd gone to sleep immediately while he nursed a small bump. She scuttled onwards as she hoped sand wouldn't enter her shoes to scratch at her skin and heard him mutter flatly, "You could've fooled me."

In retaliation, she poked him in the outer corner of his eye and he snarled fiercely, "Vivian!"

"My head's not made of stone like these guys" she pointed out with a frown as she flicked her thumb towards the limestone statues ahead of them and held her head comically to garner sympathy points. Altaïr didn't fall for her ploy as her gender, not to mention badger rage, allowed him to look past the witty historian that would retaliate if he softened. It was strange in a way as she encouraged him to stay strong but he'd never allow harm to befall the woman- he needed a jester, right?

"If it was, we could use you for breaking down doors and in a fight- two things you fail at" he stated sardonically since she was still squeamish in combat and would rather poke injured enemies with a stick or blind them with sand. Whenever she tried to practice stealth techniques, he'd easily overpower her and retrieve whatever item she'd tried to nab- most of the time, it was his hood.

This time, Malik witnessed Vivian chasing the assassin down the flat earth and wondered if the sun was starting to affect his friend's head. When had Altaïr ever allowed himself to be chased for fun? It was baffling! Their rabble echoed through the valley as he shot off reasons as to why she'd be a good human shield while she grabbed random pebbles to hurl at the assassin. The dai decided to leave them alone in their pointless chasing since the wasted energy would mean less sass from both of them upon returning to the canoe. Malik, after all, was a smart man- not a hotheaded one like Altaïr, who was imitating a chicken with its head cut off.

From up ahead, Altaïr halted immediately and grabbed Vivian by the shoulders to halt her running in one move. She objected to being grabbed like a rag doll since the man held incredible strength and he towered over her already by nine inches. A hissing rattle in front of them told Vivian they'd just avoided trampling over a dangerous snake. Vivian made the grievous error of glancing down to see a sandy hued horned viper and clutched the assassin around the sides for protection for the very first time. Did he happen to have experience assassinating snakes? The continuing rattle from the reptile told him to leave the area quickly and he ordered softly, "Back away slowly."

Vivian listened as they moved backwards in unison from the angry viper but she mumbled back, "Give me your shirt."

It was enough to break his concentration away from the dangerous snake and he hissed in resemblance to the animal, "What?!"

This caused the snake to hiss more to the rise in volume from the intruders upon its territory and Vivian told him in a calm voice, "Maybe I can shoo it away if it nears-"

"Or we could just continue walking away" he shot back in a low hiss and pulled her back alongside him with one arm before she decided to unclothe him in public. Knowing Vivian, it wouldn't be a farfetched idea for self-preservation but he wasn't about to be humiliated in such a way.

"What if it chases us? You have an animal magnetism they can't disobey" she whispered back in regards to his scuffles with wildlife but he shoved her back, moving away from the snake. It's rattling dissipated as they took a detour to head elsewhere in the valley, signaling for Malik to follow their direction. He avoided being bitten but he'd be strangled by Malik if his friend managed to get bitten by accident. Altaïr was not looking forward to being involved in a double homicide that left Vivian alone as a witness because she'd be killed a minute later by the wandering viper. That was a horrible way to end the day and since Vivian didn't want a mission failure either, she hissed in return to the fading snake, "Shoo, you can't have him. He's Templar food."

He shook his head to her humorous quips as he led her away from the animal, hoping another one wasn't waiting in the wings. He'd often heard about the dangerous snakes dwelling in the desert and kept to flat land with short grass to avoid any dangerous encounters. Vivian pointed to the remaining temples nearby that were close in walking distance and the trio headed there to see the remnants of a once great people. Vivian smiled broadly to the ancient temple that withstood time and remarked with a perky smile, "Never did I imagine myself walking over the same earth of ancient Egyptians, top archaeologists, and historians of my times. There are no words to describe this and it makes all of the craziness I've endured worth it- even these agonizingly itchy mosquito bites."

Altaïr eyed her suspiciously since sincere joy usually brought forth a banshee's song and questioned shrewdly, "You're not going to dress up and reenact a tale, are you?"

"Not in this heat and wild animals about" she retorted with an upturned nose and trudged forwards with the sand crunching underneath her shoes as she walked.

The trio explored the popular sites Vivian remembered were accessible in this area of the valley but they couldn't dawdle behind schedule. They were already risking their skin by traveling down the Nile and the sun was at its highest at the current moment, forcing her to have a quick glimpse of ancient architecture. When Altaïr told her it was time to hightail it back, she didn't argue as her lack of a decent pencil and tracing paper were missing.

As he headed downhill to the main trail they followed, Vivian was struck with an old movie song that had filled her ears years ago as his robes fluttered in the wind like a cape as he treaded through the desert. If she had her sketch pad, she would've drawn him as well as the site was artist worthy (and ahem, fangirl worthy). She intentionally fell behind to walk in pace with Malik and shared her mischievous plan since he had become her brother in breaking Altaïr's stoic mask. What fan wouldn't love being his partner in humorous crime? The dai never hesitated to poke the assassin with innocent good-natured humor and with a Cheshire grin, she began a humorous song that broke the silence in the tranquil valley. . .

"Grand Master Alti! Fabulous he!
Altaïr Ibn La'Ahad
Genuflect, show some respect
Down on one knee!
Now, try your best to stay calm
Brush up your Sunday salaam
Then come and meet his spectacular coterie (Altaïr fought down a sigh when she pointed directly at him)

Grand Master Alti!
Mighty is he!
Altaïr Ibn La'Ahad
Strong as ten regular men, definitely!
He faced the Templar galloping hordes
A hundred bad guys with swords (she imitated fighting with an invisible sword)
Who sent those goons to their lords?"

Altaïr turned around swiftly with stunned bewilderment when Malik joined her tune, "Why, Grand Master Alti!"

Vivian waved her left hand through the air with a silly grin to sing, "He's got seventy-five Levant hawks."

Malik feigned shock, ignoring Altaïr's heated glare, and asked with a singing voice that could've won a Grammy, "Saker falcons?"

Vivian clapped her hands once as she squared her shoulders to stand straight and continued, "He's got fifty-three! When it comes to exotic-type stocks-"

Malik leaned over to nudge his higher shoulders with hers and intervened in the song in cue to ask, "Has he got a zoo?

Vivian clapped him on the back with delight as she drew him into a one-armed hug and sang, "I'm telling you, it's a world-class menageri-i-i-i-e."

Altaïr truly began to question the sanity of Malik since the man had never shared Vivian's awful singing and his own for standing there to hear it. Why did most of her songs involve him in humorous situations? When would they be about somebody else? If he wasn't so certain she lived to see his stoic mask break, he'd swear this was her way of saying she fancied him. Of course, the idea was preposterous and they lashed out whenever anything indecent arose (she'd exclaimed in horror when his trousers ended up in her washing bundle once). Vivian released the dai to skitter forward like a ballerina to match a dainty feminine woman and placed the back of her right hand over her forehead to continue with her song.

"Grand Master Alti!
Handsome is he, Altaïr Ibn La'Ahad
That physique! How can I speak? (She fanned herself with a hand)
Weak at the knee
Well, get on out in that square
Adjust your vein and prepare
To gawk and grovel and stare at Grand Master Alti! (She intertwined her hands to imitate a swoon)

There's no question this Alti's alluring
Never ordinary, never boring
Everything about the man just plain impresses
He's a winner, he's a whiz, a wonder!
He's about to pull my heart asunder!
And I absolutely love the way he dresses!"

Altaïr pointed at the clear blue sky with an outraged scowl for being the audience of their acting and dared angrily, "If you admire my work, I order you beings to strike me down with lightning at once. I refuse to hear this frivolous torture!"

Malik ignored his dramatic demands as they stood on higher ground and continued, "He's got ninety-five white Persian monkeys."

Vivian clapped her hands giddily as she ran in small circles around the dai to portray a happy observant and sang, "He's got the monkeys! Let's see the monkeys!"

He stopped her short run by grabbing her shoulder and patted Vivian on the head like a child to calm her dramatization. Altaïr wanted to rip his hood off and stomp over it in anger as they viewed him like a ghost to their spectacle. Vivian's green eyes were comically large as she hopped in place and Malik smiled broadly as he went on, "And to view them, he charges no fee."

Vivian pretended to swoon as she placed a hand to her forehead and sang dreamily, "He's generous, so generous."

Malik raised his arm in an arc over the horizon, over the scowling hooded man below them, and declared, "He's got assassins, he's got servants and flunkies."

Vivian faked a military salute as she continued the next verse,

"Proud to work for him
They bow to his whim (she brought her arms down to imitate praise)
Love serving him (she puckered her lips for emphasis)
They're just lousy with loyalty to Alti!"

Both the dai and Vivian sang the last verse together with glee to wrap up,

"Grand Master Alti!
Amorous he!
Altaïr Ibn La'Ahad
Heard your daughter was a sight lovely to see
And that, good people, is why he got dolled up and dropped by
So rejoice and enjoy his famous apple pie
With his deadly weapons and eminent forces
With his falcons and horses
A brass band and more
With his forty assassins, his rafiqs, his scholars
His birds that warble on key
Make way for Grand Master Alti!"

Vivian clapped her hands joyfully as the song turned out to be more fun than she originally expected and laughed, "That was fun. Now, let's try 'Perfect World'-"

Altaïr broke into a frantic run to head back to the canoe at a faster pace since he refused to hear any more of their shenanigans and Vivian called out indignantly, "Hey! You can't escape us, we're your team. . . and I have the maps!"

That didn't deter the assassin for a single second and she watched a dust cloud pick up from his hasty running. Well, that was a new escape route from her singing . . . but she couldn't help but admire his tenacity. She blinked in surprise when she saw him head over the sand dunes in an attempt to lose them and Malik scoffed under his breath, "Novice. Does he really think he can outsmart another assassin?"

"He is your Grand Master" she pointed out with a small pout for being left behind and watched him fade over the sand dunes like a phantom. Hmm, the man owned that sand dune like a boss. She pointed to where the small speck of an assassin disappeared and reappeared over another adjacent dune, grinning with amusement to laugh, "Damn, he's pretty fast. Look at him go!"

"Yes, but I've lived with that man my entire life" Malik stated matter-of-factly as he lead the way towards a dune to the left and Vivian followed with hasty steps. He'd known the man for many years not to know his thought process since Altaïr dissected everything down to his teachings. He motioned to the landscape to their left that was covered in sand dunes and rocky hill to inform simply, "He always circles to the left to evade and heads to his target in a straight line once the path is clear. We'll get there faster by applying simple geometry to this area."

Vivian grinned with astonishment as his methods of a counterattack impressed her and she complimented, "Malik, my friend, you have toppled Altaïr as the best."

Altaïr's ears were pleased to hear the silence around him as the horrible music ceased after his leave. It was bad enough when she sang but now, she'd managed to snag a singing partner to follow her lead. If Malik decided to pursue this newest form of torture, Altaïr would have to tear linen strips to stuff into his ears for the entire day until nighttime from now on.

The canoe was within sight and it was a glorious thing to behold since he sought peace away from the bothersome badger. He'd allowed her to sing short songs to give her freedom as they traveled but anything longer than a minute were banned. She'd attempted a bribe by handing him a sweet cake she'd bought in one of the settlements but he'd eaten it and refused her request.

He leapt out of the way when Vivian popped out from behind with her hood drawn and was completely baffled as to how she arrived there. He'd just gotten there himself! Had she used sorcery she'd hidden for the last months? The historian merely grinned mischievously as she tucked the gray fabric close to her face to conceal her features and sang,

"I'm gonna be a mighty assassin
So enemies beware-"

Altaïr was dismayed and horrified- a feat for him- when Malik popped out from a trail behind her that connected to the main one that led to the canoe. How had they figured out how to beat him? Malik patted the top of her head as he moved to her side with a reprimanding stare and followed suit,

"Well, I've never seen a seeker of justice
With so much pompous flair."

"I wasn't that pompous" Altaïr intervened stiffly as his feathers were ruffled and he clenched his fists, sighing aloud when his hidden blade unsheathed. Honestly, he was one face palm away from stabbing himself in the leg or eye nowadays. He opened his left hand to sheathe the blade back in the gauntlet and grumbled inaudibly under his breath. Did they not see what ire they were causing? Or maybe they did and that was the entire goal. He approached the two with a firmly set glare on his face and demanded sharply, "And where did you come from?"

Vivian breached his personal space when she nudged her shoulder against his bicep and he shooed her away like a pesky bug. The woman, however, kept her off-key singing as she smiled widely to sway on the balls of her feet,

"I'm gonna be a master of renown
Like no assassin was before
I'm brushing up on looking down (she mimicked Altaïr's imposing posture and raised her nose)
I'm working on my leap of faith."

Malik shook his head in feigned disappointment, drawing Altaïr's gaze immediately, and sighed dismally to sing, "Thus far, a rather uninspiring attempt."

"Oh, I just can't wait to be an assassi-i-i-n" Vivian sang with a long drawl that almost led Altaïr to throwing her into the river to muffle her voice. Also, he would be chiding his friend about who could do the best leap of faith- which required two arms nowadays. It would be worth having his food overcooked but after bearing two songs in one day, the prize would be worth it.

Malik played the obstinate singer since he could relate to his old bitter role during his early months in 1190 as he scolded, "You've rather a long way to go, Altaïr, if you think-"

"No one will tell me, 'do this'" she intervened smugly with a catty smile as she prodded her finger at invisible people. Altair's eyes narrowed into slits when one of those pokes landed in his direction and she returned to Malik's side before he decided to butcher her like a poor hog. She remembered trying to approach a wild hare in camp that had wandered right outside of her tent once and Altaïr had pierced its neck with an arrow, leaving her horrified to the sweet moment that shifted to gore.

"That civilian died-" Malik continued their practiced song as he'd scribbled lines on a scrap of paper so he wouldn't forget them. Altaor stood straight with squared shoulders to the audacity that he'd ever let a civilian die on his watch- excluding the innocent man he'd killed. . .he really wanted to beat the living daylights out of his old self.

"No one will say, 'Be there'" she sang with a defiant frown and stomped her foot to portray the stubborn Altaïr from older days. Well, he was still hardheaded but he had become open-minded- he allowed her to travel with him rather than leaving her to rot in a street corner.

"And your target escaped-" Malik sighed with shame as he shook his head and Altaïr quickly intervened aloud that he never allowed that under his watch. Of course, the two were purposely ignoring him and he clenched his fists in anger once more to release his frustration. He sighed aloud with annoyance when his hidden blade unsheathed next to his leg and opened his hand to retract it once more.

Vivian waved a careless hand towards the dai as she declared, "No one saying, 'Stop that'."

Altaïr marched up to the woman but she scuttled off every time he approached and he intervened with a stern voice to order, "Get in the boat."

She remained defiant to the assassin since she had Malik on her side to protect her- otherwise, she'd be on her knees seeking to live. Hopping over a rock, she skittered down the trail away from the canoe to stand behind Malik and sang cheekily, "No one saying, 'See here'."

"Now see here, Vivian" Altaïr demanded sharply because he really wanted to get that shifty imp into the canoe but she scuttled off whenever he reached for her. Goodness, it was like chasing a chicken! In this case, he wasn't looking to hunt his supper but Vivian's singing came quite close as she kept out of his reach.

The rambunctious badger twirled once, her skirt sweeping in a graceful circle (for once), and she ran behind Malik to croon happily, "Free to run around all day-"

"That's not what an assassin does!" Altaïr snapped irately about that ridiculous idea because they were sent on missions to protect the innocent rather than dillydallied. It was why he was trying to tie her into the canoe in the first place! Vivian sighed mentally since the man lacked a sense of humor after months on the road and wished just a tiny dash of fairy dust would hit him in the face. Disney made everything look too easy.

Malik sidestepped into Altaïr's path to keep the assassin from his target as he sang innocently, "I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart to heart."

Vivian jumped onto a small boulder to sigh dramatically as she crossed her arms and continued stubbornly, "Masters don't need advice from petty cartographers for a start."

Malik wagged a finger and wrinkled his nose to carry on the next verse while Altaïr tried to sneak past him to catch the mastermind of the music. The dai, however, played a very good bodyguard as he kept the taller man at bay and his smile grew wider with each grumpy line forming on Altaïr's frown.

"If this is where the Order is headed,
Count me out,
Out of service,
Out of Syria,
I wouldn't hang about!
Altaïr is getting wildly out of wing."

"Oh, I just can't wait to be an assa- eek!" Vivian began to sing but Altaïr managed to trap her between a wall of rock of eroded sediment from the river. She wasn't fast enough to dodge him in a close distance and he grabbed her by the waist to lift her over his shoulder in one move. He wasn't taking any chances with the witty badger since it would take forever to catch her with Malik protecting her and he headed straight to the canoe. Vivian kicked him lightly in the hopes that it would irritate him somewhat and she frowned to mutter at the disappointing realization, "Nuts, my legs are too short to kick you in the crotch."

Just for that jab, he squeezed her midsection with the strength he used to render enemies unconscious as he carried her. Vivian felt her insides protest painfully as his arm constricted against her and she groaned with a painful squeak, "Gah! You're killing my kidneys! C'mon, I sang you a song!"

"Can you sing any that don't include me? Or none at all to please me?" he shot back and loosened his hold back to normal to allow her to breathe. He waved Malik away with the other since the dai was ready to warn him against injuring the woman but he wouldn't do such a thing. It took a lot for Altaïr to personally acknowledge that Vivian was becoming an annoyingly everyday part of his life but she kept him from going insane.

She clasped her hands to mimic a Disney princess and flashed a bright smile to declare sweetly, "But I sing out of love and this valley was marvelous."

He sighed exasperatedly because their ways of showing affection varied greatly and would've rather had his knives sharpened than a song. Her expression was utterly ridiculous as he glanced over his shoulder and squeezed her midsection when she started to prod his back innocently. She was trying to break his mask slowly as she tried to catch a glimpse of a normal man but he was a trained assassin and would never live that type of life. Vivian represented everything he wasn't: an average woman, optimistic, witty, and friendly. Despite all of that, their complementary personalities bonded them with the passage of time and he muttered wryly, "Woman, that voice could fell an army."

"Well, be sure to point me towards the Templars then" she chided in return with a peppy smile that brought laughter from Malik as she poked holes into Altaïr's comments. The assassin said nothing, imagining that outrageous scenario and allowed Malik to express what he couldn't.

She cried out when he dumped her unceremoniously into the canoe and ordered for her to stay put as he literally dragged the canoe into the water. Vivian quickly clung on as her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates to the man's strength and was glad she'd become fully protected under Malik's bodyguard service. Hmm, if only she could put that into a humorous business card. When Altaïr looked to Malik to follow Vivian's example of staying inside, the dai chose a passive-aggressive move by standing on the shore for more than two minutes without moving. While Vivian's eyes darted comically between the two assassins, Altaïr cursed his day to Hades (damn it, he was starting to use Vivian's jargon) as he dealt with another stubborn companion and mumbled, "Would you kindly enter the boat so we may carry on?"

"And?"

Altaïr scuffed his boot on the wet dirt since he could yell all he wanted towards Vivian but Malik wouldn't hesitate to put him in his place. The assassin hoped the two would cook a grand feast tonight after the torture he endured- still was- and muttered, "I apologize for leaving you behind-"

The dai raised his chin with defiance and decided to milk the moment by stressing, "And?"

"That's all you're getting" Altaïr stated stiffly because he wasn't going to be manipulated to be passive and nice like Vivian, preferring his indifference. Vivian sighed under her breath as she rested her forehead against the side of the canoe, wondering if the Apple could grant him a few socializing traits. When Malik began to whistle and walk towards the path they'd taken to the interior of the valley, the assassin relented quickly, "And for not appreciating your kindness through song."

Malik turned around as he managed to get what he wanted out of that exchange but shifted his gaze to Vivian, who held onto the boat with awe on her face to his uncanny ability. When would she be able to do that with the assassin? Altaïr looked to the petite historian as she smiled toothily at both of them and he shook his head immediately as he realized what Malik wanted. No, he would not-

"Her too."

Altaïr grit his teeth as his friend pushed his kindness to the limit that day and thinned his lips when Vivian leaned forward with an eager smile. With great reluctance, he swallowed his pride for the sake of the mission and stated tightly, "Thank you for your sentiments through song, Vivian."

"Aw, shucks" she giggled with a bashful blush and waved a dainty hand, huddling next to the canoe. Although it had been sugared to the max to please Malik and not for her benefit, Vivian was quite happy anyway. AC fans would fish for any little compliment and she was happy with the morsels.

The dai appeared pleased and entered the boat as Altaïr's shoulders slumped for the multiple favors he'd granted that day. What was he, a mother of three women and ready to give a dowry? He was not made to be soft and sweet, leaving that job for Vivian since she never hesitated to help. When he entered the canoe, she'd already grabbed a paddle to resume their travels and he softened- just a little- that Vivian could've been worse as a traveler. She wasn't high to maintain, rude, immature, annoyingly loud (well, the songs came from a good place in her heart), or prone to anger so he'd lucked out in a way.

Vivian happily paddled to begin rowing to show her appreciation for the side trip because he didn't have to do so but did. It was a kind gesture on his part and she would gladly work to repay him by rowing . . . maybe even cooking a stew since he liked them. The current fought against her strength as they flowed upstream to find camp further inland and she grinned broadly to sing, "Paddling on to adventure down the Nile! With Altaïr, the assassin, and Malik, the dai- c'mon, it adventure time!"

"Vivian" Altaïr warned with reprimand since he wasn't in the mood for anymore witty songs and raised his paddle to emphasize he wasn't above whacking her.

"There's no living human out here but us" Vivian pointed out cheekily to break apart his argument since they were in the empty wilderness and isolated from society. They could've taken trade routes with caravans to blend with traveling scholars or explorers but Altaïr chose the faster route of water. She smiled sincerely since they would be each other's company and stated easily, "Face it, we're all we have for the next . . . I don't know, year or so, and I'm sure Sudan won't be quick to cross over. I don't want to die of boredom before we get there, I like living."

"Maybe I'll learn how to tune you out" Altaïr stated flatly because he would have eternal relief at that point. . .that, or go completely deaf at the young age of twenty-six.

"Or adapt to my nonsensical ramblings and join me" she grinned goofily and wrinkled her nose as she leaned forward to laugh impishly.

"No, where will my entertainment go?" Malik teased playfully since their platonic antics brought him amusement unless they decided to roll throughout camp and cause damage to his tent. It would've been boring to travel with Altaïr since the brotherhood or those eerie items were all he spoke about so Vivian had been a welcome fresh face to their group. He could only imagine how lonely and tedious it would be if she truly departed at this 'Madagascar' while they'd head to the south alone.

"Exactly, we have to do this for Malik- who can say no to that face?" she nodded encouragingly with an innocent pucker of her lower lip and he growled at being manipulated. She raised the oar to point at the dai, who merely smiled mischievously at the change to rile Altaïr, and the assassin wondered if it was too late to find those caravans. Vivian continued rowing to maintain their speed and called over with a perky voice, "Don't be so glum, chum-"

"All right but no more rhyming" Altaïr ordered hastily as that little quirk of hers irked him the most when she sang or teased him. She was rambunctious during the mornings but by the evening, her energy was gone and her demeanor changed as she took interest in his hobbies. When he wrote his journal entries, they would converse about history or weapon maintenance- an entirely different variation of conversation that was currently took place.

Vivian blinked innocently and raised her paddle horizontally in the air to gasp dramatically, "Not even for your theme song? You actually like that one."

Well, maybe he could make one exception.

In Masyaf, Syria. . .

"I demand an audience with you, Ilias!" a sharp demanding voice called out from the entrance of the grand master's library where scholars wandered about.

The assassin currently in charge sighed between his lips and ran a hand through his hair underneath the white hood. Why hadn't he sent the man on a mission? It would've been better than having him prowling the grounds like a coyote ready to strike with any slander against their leader.

Abbas had quickly forgotten Altaïr's kindness at keeping him alive after pushing him off a hillside. Since Maria began living amongst them, the man kept trying to find the tiniest reason or opportunity to cast her out and prove Altaïr wrong for trusting her. Bashir kept an eye on her but she'd quickly seen through his tactics when he glanced away every time she caught him. After an apology, she and Bashir formed a friendship as the two were outsiders in a way since the young man preferred working in the quiet fortress rather than bustling cities for assassinations.

As for Maria herself, she stayed within Masyaf most of the time and often spent her time within the library where Ilias ran the brotherhood. Although pregnant, she didn't mind helping maintain weapons for recruits and teach them a few tricks she'd learned along the way. She had found safe refuge for her child and wasn't about to allow a zealous man ruin it for her with false accusations. She confided in Ilias about her worries since he allowed her stay and today was another as she'd been speaking to him when Abbas arrived.

"If it is about Maria, she has been here the whole time" Ilias stated calmly as he stood from his desk to meet the irritated assassin and Abbas glared heatedly at Maria. The woman merely crossed her arms and took fascination with Rafiki's stand as the falcon flew somewhere around Masyaf.

He waved an indignant hand towards her since he didn't hesitate to hide his distaste for the enemy and accused, "Two of our shipments have been delayed! How do I know she hasn't been sending messages outside Masyaf?"

"As if my current condition isn't enough, need I mention the fact I am escorted everywhere when I wander the village below?" Maria replied tightly since the man tested her patience and the flux of hormones further incensed the pregnant woman. Did he really think she'd be stupid to return to the Templars? Honestly! She shook her head to his irrational accusations and stated sarcastically, "Well, since you're so eager to slander me without proof, what else will you say? I've sneaked out to beat down the elderly, sprouted wings to plague the dreams of the assassins, or tainted the water supply which I also use?"

Abbas resembled the shade of a pomegranate and Ilias stood between the two to say calmly, "Delays happen in the road and this isn't the first time. Until there is proof to any of your accusations, I will launch an investigation. We have acquired a new ally, Abbas, and it would be wise to see it through that perspective."

Basically, Maria won this round.

Abbas grit his teeth in fury as he was denied casting the woman outside their walls and stomped off to return to his duties. He would show his order that they held an enemy in their midst because Templars never changed. Maria simply uncrossed her arms as relief flickered over her porcelain face and nodded to Ilias in gratitude for siding with her. He didn't have to since the other man knew him longer but he had.

"He infuriates me, acting above his station when Altaïr left you in charge" Maria stated quietly with a curt tone since deflecting the man's accusations had become her newest pastime. Yes, she understood the assassin's initial mistrust of her for being an ex-Templar but she wasn't with them anymore. She was fighting for the right cause now and being a mother doubled her resolve, preparing for the future of her child is what came first. The fight against the Templars would always be in her mind but the assassin's order could take care of it and in her state, she'd more than likely hinder them. A waddling fighter with swollen feet would bring laughter from her enemies rather than striking fear.

Ilias understood her viewpoint but pointed out simply as he returned to his desk, "We are all of equal rank when we're master assassins but Abbas. . .his changing demeanor troubles me at times."

"I won't bring harm to your order but all I can offer you is my world and life" Maria insisted earnestly with all that she had tied to her name and couldn't help but feel like a worn out book. She'd said it so much that it became embedded in her mind. She didn't interact much with the assassins, keeping to the areas where women informants were allowed but their interests didn't match hers. Where could she find a female friend that shared the same wanderlust for adventure and wouldn't bend under the thumb of a man?

So far, her only real friends were Ilias and Bashir but she was thankful for them nonetheless. Bashir reminded her of older times when she'd had a brother to tag along beside her and she didn't hesitate to visit the inventor in his solitary room. It took her about an hour to get up there with frequent breaks due to her child but it was worth the trip. As for Ilias, he kept trying to break her out of her defensive shell but in an entirely different approach than Altaïr. While the grand master had repeatedly insisted she could trust him and proved himself, Ilias didn't do anything at all! Instead, he offered conversation whenever they met or when she felt comfortable in approaching him. He'd given her the space she needed to gather her bearings and she was slowly seeking him out with any questions she had- no matter how trivial. Altaïr always tended to prod for answers but Ilias was quietly contemplative.

"Don't add extra worry to yourself, he will adjust and I trust you" he assured calmly about his opinion on the matter and she nodded quietly, glad that he didn't see her as an outsider anymore. It brought the faintest smile on her round face, smoothing her features since it had been a while that anything besides a frown or glare appeared.

"Do you think he could pose a problem one day?" she asked tentatively since it was strictly assassin business but if her mind worried, then she was going to be open with it. She wanted a safe place to live and would provide peace on her part but she wasn't about to endanger her child.

"As long as he completes his missions and follows the creed, I will not pry into his business" Ilias remarked softly since everyone carried their demons but lashing out at their brotherhood wouldn't help anyone. If it did and he broke their tenets, Abbas would be cast out and Ilias would explain everything to Altaïr. His leader had been the better man in allowing his stay inside Masyaf but if he continued on a path to oust Altaïr, and now Maria, he would do what was best for their order.

Maria wasn't convinced that Abbas would turn tame like a butterfly and pointed out, "His underlying anger could jeopardize his cover."

"You worry too much, upcoming motherhood requires relaxation" he mused with a small smile and pointed to the outside gardens located to the west but she frowned. Yes, she enjoyed the calming peace nowadays but that didn't mean it had to relate to her pregnancy. Truly, did men think women would turn hysterical at any moment?

"My pregnancy hasn't lessened my vigilance" she stated firmly and leaned over to grab the books she'd borrowed for the week. A solitary area would allow Abbas' scathing words to roll off her back and her child tended to kick at this hour of the day as they decided to dance for fun with her insides. It reinforced the idea that motherhood was imminent but she didn't know where Altaïr would fit in the overall picture. He was a good man and had the potential to be a father (despite their turbulent times) but she wouldn't be hitching to be married simply to avoid social shame. Nobody knew her outside of Masyaf and she could simply fake being a widow to begin a new life. She began descending the steps that led to Ilias' desk but stopped on the second to turn around and inform, "That reminds me, you're almost out of eggs. The hens haven't been laying any for the past two days."

"You've been checking on the hens?" he asked amusingly since recruits but mostly children tended to livestock that they kept inside Masyaf.

A pink hue crossed her pale cheeks as she was caught spending time with animals and she deflected hastily, "Only because their noise made me believe they were being attacked, that is all. I am not becoming anchored to a home."

"I didn't say you were" he stated with a smile on his lips that unnerved her to the implication because she didn't want to tend to a home for the rest of her life. She wanted to show her child the world and prepare them for survival in case she couldn't be there for them one day. She didn't know if she could ever provide them with a stable home but she would try her best. Ilias understood that she was struggling with her identity as a new role surfaced in her life and he advised gently, "There are always two sides to a coin, Maria. A home doesn't necessarily mean a prison."

How did he . . .?

She excused herself quickly to avoid further analyzing as she left Ilias behind with an amused expression on his face. He could see why Altaïr had quite the tough time convincing her to their side but she had a warrior's spirit and a good heart- it simply didn't want to have vulnerabilities. Maria, however, couldn't believe he'd seen right through her defense and wondered just how perceptive the man was. After all, Altaïr did leave him in charge for a reason and the grand master was wise in his own right. Ilias' serene demeanor was a change from what she'd experienced with others and she felt that glass house around her heart slowly growing a hairline fracture that needed to be remedied. Those hens would just have to find another person to . . . no, she couldn't do that to them and cursed herself for growing attached to livestock of all things! Maria's flustered face softened as she descended the stairs but a smile popped onto her face when she witnessed. . .

"Go away, you blasted bird!" Abbas screeched madly as Rafiki had decided to claw at his eyes for the day. The man had dared to shoo him away from the balcony stand that oversaw the training grounds and that was a humongous insult in his avian book. The bird's furious screeching echoed through the entrance as the man batted the falcon away but Rafiki was agile enough to bypass the swats.

Up ahead, Bashir covered the huge grin on his face at realizing Rafiki had now found his newest scratching post.

In Esna, Egypt. . .

Altaïr stared at the Ankh that he'd recovered from Giza as he'd been meditating with the item to gauge its power in comparison to the Apple. Both were strong in their own right as Vivian stated they subdued humankind into slavery without much effort and Altaïr wondered what made them do so. If he could hold it so easily without crying out in pain while others like Abbas could die. . .how would it benefit the Templars? If his bloodline carried the blood of those ancient beings, wouldn't his enemies need individuals of his descent to wield them? The idea of having grandchildren that could be converted into the Templar cause was frightening.

Whenever he glimpsed into the Apple, he could see brief flashes of memories of the past and the technology of cities matched those similar to Vivian. If those beings had been highly advanced to surpass even Vivian's time, what could his descendants do to stop a catastrophic event? Within the Ankh, he felt a similar protective aura but while the Apple carried destructive power . . . this one varied. He didn't understand it quite yet but he would continue his meditations since the newest item failed to draw his energy in comparison to the apple. If anything, he almost felt . . . invigorated.

The strange item bathed his camp in a golden glow as he'd decided to tinker with it after dinner since food and the quiet of night brought tranquility. His two companions sat across at a safe distance as they ate a healthy salad they'd picked from bushes in the nearest fertile area they'd passed that day. It wasn't a good feeling to harvest food that had been cultivated but others but Vivian reminded them it was for a good cause to save the world. If they were rich Templars, sure, they'd buy their food every time they stumbled into a village. . .but they weren't and were piss poor.

Altaïr opened his eyes to find his friends chewing quietly while looking over a map splayed over a log bench and he asked incredulously, "You're eating more without me?"

"We were bored and I made you one, don't worry" Vivian reassured with an amused smile as she'd added extra cucumbers into his since he fancied the vegetable. She pointed towards a wooden plate on the log that lay covered with a cloth napkin to protect it from pesky bugs. She nodded towards the glowing item in his hand as its brightness hurt her eyes and she informed quickly, "You can have it as soon as you put that away. Man, I can totally see why people thought those beings were holy- geez, that is bright!"

Altaïr found that interesting because although he saw the light bright as well, the intensity lacked in irritating his vision. While Malik and Vivian felt as if they were staring straight into the sun, Altaïr wasn't affected in the slightest as he merely saw the shift in lighting as natural as normal daylight.

"Well, if you ever need a quick getaway, shining it into people's eyes will help" Vivian joked with a soft laugh since the light was incredibly brilliant from her own end across camp. She glanced away from her companion as her eyes stung and tears threatened to form, leading her to cover her eyes. Malik simply used his sleeve to block out the light but it only increased in magnitude when Altaïr stood up to walk towards a boulder across from them. Vivian squeezed her eyes shut and raised one hand to comment with irritancy, "Jeez, that is hurting my corneas! If this is how they made mankind submit, I believe it."

Malik agreed with a hasty nod to stop Altaïr from moving closer and raised his hand to request, "Please put it away, it is literally blinding me by the second!"

Altaïr smirked to their complaints (again, he felt nothing) but heeded their words as he placed the Ankh back inside the cloth bag for safekeeping. He was always a strict man on order and honor but his time with Vivian was slowly becoming infectious to the outer layers of his personality. Both she and Malik groaned in protest when he showed a small portion of the artifact before shutting it away completely. He'd never been a humorous man but maybe. . .it was time to incorporate a few pieces here and there into his life.

"Ow!"

"It was not done by me but through me" Malik stated simply after smacking the man upside the head for his little joke since he wasn't particularly fond of temporary blindness. Altaïr rubbed the top of his head like a scolded child as the dai returned to studying his map of Egypt while trying to blink away the starbursts inside his vision. If he started seeing double, he'd topple Altaïr's tent on top of him and make him sleep outside for the night.

Altaïr was ready to stomp his boot over the dai's for being reprimanded for his first joke when Vivian rubbed the top of his hooded head to soothe his newest boo-boo. Right, he'd forgotten she boasted about having caretaking skills and she coddled almost anything that needed help. He wanted to shoo her away for daring to break his personal space but torn because . . . well, it felt nice to be fussed over. Immediately, he frowned to that newest thought popping into his 'independent Altaïr' frame of mind and mumbled flatly, "I wonder if the items can conjure new partners for this adventure."

"We've kept you alive as much as you have us" Vivian insisted in regards to her usefulness and removed her hand from his head to return to Malik's side on the floor. Altaïr waved a dismissive hand as he headed for his tent to remove his leather belt to remove some of the weight on his body. The robes already felt heavy with the growing humidity and hoped his weapons wouldn't rust faster with the moisture in the air. He narrowed his eyes at Vivian since she'd boldly peeked into the tent since he failed to close the flap and she smiled impishly with that crafty glitter in her green eyes.

For the first time, he felt the slightest inkling that he was being watched by a predator as she peeked over the wooden log like a cheetah. She tilted her head to the side as he exited the tent to sit next Malik (it felt safer) and Vivian stated matter-of-factly, "You're stuck with us whether you like it or not because we're seeing this through to the end, buddy," she paused for a moment and corrected herself, "Well, Desmond will see it through so make sure to give good cryptic notes but not to the extreme like these beings. I feel like I'm trying to put together a Sudoku in another language based in another time period!"

She raised her index finger into the air as her neurons farted a humorous fact and declared wittily with a wide grin, "Besides, could any new follower do this?"

"If you sing, I swear-" he began swiftly because her singing hours were during daytime when it was most bearable and forbidden after sundown. If she dared, he'd gag her with a cloth and throw her in her tent to be rid of her for the night.

"No, dingus, I meant this" she shot back sarcastically and stood up to perform the popular moonwalk dance move that awed masses in the 1980s. Malik showed interest to the new maneuver while Altaïr returned a deadpan stare because he was no importance or entertainment in it. How would that help him on missions? As always, the historian improvised her suggestion to draw the audience's eye with a few more moves that did nothing to sway his response. She shook her hands and body in ways Altaïr had never seen (not that he'd seen many women dancers in his time) and she declared aloud for feedback, "How about the Monkey? The Running Man?"

"Dancing is more liable to kill you, Vivian" the assassin stated flatly since he'd ban dancing in his group if he could because he saw no interest in it. Vivian balked at his horrible comment since dancing was quite healthy for the body and wondered if he was as lousy a dancer as he was a swimmer. With Altaïr, anything was possible. He pointed to the log bench to keep her rooted to the floor, away from any further shenanigans, and ordered swiftly, "And secondly, sit down before I call sorcery on that."

She shook her hands in fists to show her objection but obeyed, tired from her small show after walking all day. Her leather shoes would have to last the entire trip to Sudan so she'd best take care of them well, wishing she had nice boots like Altaïr and Malik. Why couldn't women have nice boots without being hassled about propriety? She leaned against the wooden log with a mischievous smirk, the glowing crackling campfire brightening her eyes as she pointed towards his nose and declared madly, "A-hah! What followers could fake sorcery to gullible enemies? Come Malik, I will teach you the basics and then you'll reteach me the basics because I'm liable to forget."

Altaïr was ready to face palm into both hands to her horrible suggestion because enemies would not fear cheap sorcery skills. He could only wonder how the rest of her family was like if Vivian was a perky puppy that failed to lose energy. Vivian yelped in horror and grasped his left hand with worry before he could bury his face into it to chastise firmly, "Are you insane? That gauntlet is still on, you're about to assassinate yourself!"

"It would be a better solution than hearing this entire meaningless dribble!" he shot back as his brows furrowed with embarrassment for the accidental slip and scowled at the woman. It wasn't her fault directly but there were times he wanted to bury his head into the sand.

"On second thought, have at it" she muttered wryly to his fussiness but helped him remove the gauntlet for the night, ignoring his inaudible grumbling. She wanted her leader to live to nag another day and carefully loosened the lowest strap on the gauntlet over his forearm. After months of travel, she'd become accustomed to watching him remove the dangerous weapon and maintain it in perfect condition.

Malik watched the two fiddle with the gauntlet to remove it, finding their verbal tug-of-war amusing and drawled with amusement, "If you two are done bickering-"

"We're not bickering" Altaïr defended quickly with thinned lips and gently swatted her hands away so he could finish the rest. If he truly was bickering, Vivian would be furious and he'd be searching for a decent apology. When he traveled with Maria, she tended to beat him down to vent her anger and carried on fresh as a flower afterwards as she protected her emotions. Vivian, however, was the complete opposite as she held her emotions on her sleeve and her respect for him (not to mention weak striking strength) kept her from lashing out.

He liked Vivian as a traveling companion, not that he'd ever admit it, since she sought easy compromises to accommodate any arising conflicts. Also, she tended to coddle over him in the oddest of ways but he attributed it to her care over her younger siblings. Case in point. . .

"Eat your salad or you'll have a stomach ache when you go to sleep" she chastised gently to get him moving since he'd been studying the POE for over an hour. Altaïr flicked the top of her forehead with his middle finger and she balked for a few moments before grinning with amusement to his action. He grabbed the wooden plate to dig into the fresh food they'd found and picked off all of the cucumbers first before eating the rest.

A/N: I would love to write a laughing Altaïr one day- not a low chuckle but a boisterous laugh that would knock the socks off both Malik and Vivian. Dancing Vivian seems even more hilarious to me since she uses outdated moves of our time to impress the assassins and fails horribly. Somehow, I can imagine Altaïr banning dancing from the brotherhood. The trio finally reaches Sudan in the next chapter as they live out in the wild, hunting food as Altaïr plays Survivorman and nagging her when they have to get haircuts. They'll reach a settlement also as they find leads on the Templars and as Vivian puts it 'Templars and brothels will scar your mind'. Aside from my current AC story, I decided to make a Connor/OC fic focused on Davenport Homestead since colonial and prairie life interests me with its wild frontier. As always, I've been researching the time frame and am slowly finding myself loving my new revolution era character but Vivian always takes the cake with her humor.

Thank you for the endless support on my story, I love hearing from my readers after every chapter (and old chapters):

WhatTheCensoredXD: The game has always been quite serious and I thought using a humorous Vivian in the tale would lighten it better than a serious one. That's not to say she won't have her own character development as the story flows but yes, she's quite something.

ShizukaRen-Hime: True, you'd think Altaïr would be flexible to go with the flow but I see him as unyielding with new things and totally respect his honesty. Altaïr can handle one minute songs at the most from Vivian but anything past that has him ready to face palm himself into assassination. I claim success when I can make readers sing the parody lyrics aloud and hope you enjoyed the two. I can't wait to use Perfect World:

He's the sovereign mentor of the Assassin nation
He's the sternest dude in creation
He's a hep cat in the grand master's new clothes
Years of such selective breeding
Generations of Adam have been leading
To this miracle of life that we all know

What's his name?
Altaïr, Altaïr, Altaïr...

TurtleFeathers: I'm glad I could help you with this between studies.

Sachikothepeacock: I hope the entire Disney songs in this chapter didn't make you pop your sides. Lol

ihas no clue: Poor Vivian does deserve a sweet treat after everything she endures and dishes out. Altaïr, however, was not amused in the slightest and pretty much dragged her into the canoe. Maybe one day he'll carry her in the princess style instead of the fireman way. lol

KrnYong: I'm glad I could make you laugh for finals, we all need some of that. The time frame and her boldness clash but she knows how to use it to make him flustered. For some reason, I imagine him using the scientific method to uncover 'love'. He's slowly melting like an iceberg with Vivian as they continue interacting and yes, he'll be fussy when she does teach him to swim- mostly because Malik will be there swimming circles around him.

Next Time: Vivian's 5 Lessons For Adventurers

"I'm sure there won't be many Templars, you're acting like it's infested by zombies" Vivian chuckled amusingly to his suspicion since it was already on high alert and they'd yet to reach the settlement. She'd keep her eyes open, of course, but she expected traders to be the majority of visitors since it lay in the path of the Silk Road. After the asskicking they received in Giza, she doubted great numbers could be at their distance already since Amon and the assassins would keep them at bay at Giza.

"Zoom-bees?" he asked with confusion to her strange jargon and she sighed morosely as they hit another time roadblock. No, his mind had been denied the knowledge of fearsome zombies and hilarious films like Zombieland or the Walking Dead comics. Her shoulders slumped since fearsome zombies would always be a fear for her but it had quickly been replaced as number one by evil Templars bent on killing her and her friends.

"Fictional creatures of my realm that eat humans since they're dead humans themselves" she explained casually and watched his face contort to horror to what she was telling him. Even Malik faltered for a moment in his steps since the idea was terrifying and wished she hadn't said that!

"What kind of foul things go on in your time?" he blurted with disgust and she laughed to his shocked expression. She found herself torn between smiling and frowning as his jabs about her time but agreed towards where society headed. For a moment, she was glad to be in 1190s where she didn't have to worry about terrorism, death by gun wielding maniacs (stab wounds were survivable at least), or being run over by a car.

"Just for that, I will create a horrid Mary Sue story with you" she declared airily as she feigned insult and cleared her throat to begin her tale. Altaïr often heard her talking to Malik about stories she'd read through the years that focused on him but nowadays, most flocked towards his Italian descendant. She had gushed about several that maintained good historical accuracy but there were others that caused her to curl into a ball. She had deemed the latter 'Mary Sue's that we boo' and Altaïr wasn't eager to hear one, walking faster when she began dramatically, "The modern day teenage girl was sucked from her Assassin's Creed game into the game itself-"

"That's your story" he preened with a smirk to tease her about her arrival and she hissed like a kitten for being pinned with that.

"I got bonked on the head and fell unconscious, I didn't get sucked in through a magical wormhole!" she corrected indignantly since she was thankful the television hadn't crushed her when she'd fallen and he laughed to the pink on her cheeks. There was no way she would tell him what bonked her on the head to avoid that awkward topic. Malik couldn't help but laugh besides her since her entryway to their world matched her curious personality and hoped nothing else fell on her as she continued down the road for home. She wagged a finger towards Altaïr to further explain her arrival as she added in matter-of-factly, "And I landed months after your mission ended and I'm still in the dark about the science behind it. Stuff like this shouldn't happen- it defies the laws of science!"

Shaking her hand to dismiss her small rant, Altaïr snorted in amusement and she continued with a cheesy smile, "Anyway, Peggy Sue Suzuki was a beauty of renown but yet she thought herself simple as all men mysteriously fell in love with her quickly. Everyone hated her but she didn't know why since she was the gentlest soul in the world. She landed in the same city as Altaïr as he underwent a mission and was fatefully rescued from evil Templars by the heroic man-"

He directed another knowing look at the last comment and she pointed out, "Hey, I took refuge in a smelly bale of hay to avoid guards. Besides, you weren't dashing and awe-inspiring at all when you shook me like a rag doll- people die from that, you know. I was still under the impression it was all fake from that hit to the head at home but I didn't blow into your life story nor was I super kawaii happy to be with you. This is how most of the stories happen, okay? Don't blame me, blame your awesomeness."

Malik snickered behind his hand as he took pity on the man for being groveled over in written format and Vivian went on with her dramatic voice, "Where he took her to the bureau and she proceeded to tell him the entire storyline, telling herself that she wasn't changing anything, but was doing by telling him in the first place! Altaïr forced her along on his missions despite she knew nothing of fighting but yet, to his astonishment, the modern day girl managed to learn in mere weeks what he had in years. It was mind numbingly astonishing!"

Altaïr shot her another knowing look that were starting to poke her in the wrong way and Vivian defended with a flustered face, "I pleaded to go with you so I wouldn't die out here and I haven't learned how to fight at all. . .but I can crush bugs."

"Vivian, that's not a skill" Malik stated gently with dismay to the pride in her voice since she was as innocent as people came. The historian had clearly told them she had no desire to learn free running for fear of cracking her skull open or becoming paste on a street. For the time being, Vivian, would be a defensive fighter rather than an offensive like he and Altaïr. He patted the top of her head like a sympathetic father that had eaten a sour piece of bread but wanted to encourage his child onwards.

Altaïr, however, smirked with amusement and trapped a chuckle in his throat that actually threatened to break free. Vivian's lower lip puckered in a pout since there were some pretty big bugs around and resumed her tale, "Even Peggy Sue's free running surprised him and he had no choice but to induct her into the assassin's order without having her go through the tiers. Of course, nobody complained because Peggy Sue was loved by all despite her constant saying that everyone hated her. Altaïr couldn't believe his luck in finding the girl and although her personality contradicted itself multiple times, he found himself falling into those purple eyes that made no sense biologically and wanted to run his fingers in her outlandish pink hair that would have anyone calling her a sorceress but no- Peggy Sue ensnared them all, even Malik."

"Wait, what?!" he demanded with shock to the story because he didn't want to be in those types of stories at all and she laughed aloud to his horrified expression. Altaïr was just about ready to turn green from the invisible lemon he'd eaten and could never imagine doing such a thing. Why would he ever induct a person into the order without years of preparation?

"Oh yes, Peggy Sue managed to make Malik love her and couldn't bear the thought of choosing between the two men so she kept both despite the law and stigma" Vivian continued with a longing voice because there were crazy stories out there that she'd found or her sister screamed about and curled into a ball. Altaïr and Malik eyed each other uncomfortably since they'd never fight over the same woman after overcoming the conflict of the aftermath in Solomon's Temple. They'd rather take a peaceful compromise but they wouldn't share a woman; it was preposterous! Vivian placed a hand over her forehead to sigh with yearning and declared aloud with feigned woe, "Poor brave Maria stood no chance against the flawless Peggy Sue as she'd continuously called the Templar evil and refused to let Altaïr work with her. She blocked all chances for the two to form a relationship but what could Maria do against this foul temptress that defied time? The woman had somehow become a Master already and was advising Altaïr on his decisions! Peggy Sue insisted that Altaïr's life would be fine without her and she'd become the new mother to his spawn but wait!"

Altaïr resisted sighing when she spread her arms dramatically to resemble a bird and resisted from pushing her over. Her story was killing him on the inside to the outlandish characterization of his personality and Vivian lowered her voice to continue, "Somehow, she managed to get hold of a POE and without warning, she was blasted into Ezio's time where she mourned the loss of her beloved Altaïr. Why, oh, why was she taken away from her beloved-"

"I'm going to be sick" the assassin groaned to the horrible idea of falling in love with someone whose sole purpose was to bed him. Malik nodded in agreement and ran a hand through his hair to settle the awful taste in his mouth because he wanted a humble woman- not one that would fly at his friend to have carnal relations.

"Oh, how she cried beautiful rivers of tears . . . but yet she managed to become Ezio's sidekick when she told him of her plight" Vivian feigned crocodile tears as she pretended to wipe them and struggled not to laugh at her shoddy acting. Altaïr hoped the sun would induce unconsciousness as they walked while Vivian set her lips in a firm pout and went on, "It was mandatory for her to treat him badly and call him 'baka, you bastardo' because somehow, she'd learned Italian and Japanese in her old life- not to mention Arabic! All at the age of five because she was smarter than the average bear! In the end, she cast aside Altaïr and became Ezio's girlfriend when they could no longer deny this incredible ardent love that defied the ages . . . which sprouted within two days."

Altaïr decided to pick up the pace because the woman she'd conjured was horrible in all aspects and he'd never condone cheating. Vivian, a pesky little imp as always, hastened her steps as her voice echoed through the clearing, "That's right, two days. When she finally managed to return to the 1190s, Peggy Sue was happy to find Altaïr in Malik's arms and told them it was all for the best. Apparently, this was her plan all along- despite Altaïr had NO heir now because of her! With her magic POE, she somehow landed in Abstergo's Templar clutches and was conveniently rescued when Desmond made his escape with Lucy. Who knows how Desmond managed to exist because Altaïr died childless since men can't procreate in that era! Of course, she didn't like this Lucy right away because she simply talked to the man and taught Desmond herself with her arsenal of powers-"

Altaïr made true on his word and ran to the nearest bush to cough up their breakfast, just like many fans that had read really really bad fan fiction. Vivian winced since she'd never expected it to have that effect and wished she had a computer to make a gif to email faithfully accurate AC fans. She scuttled over to her leader and gently ran circles over his back to help his stomach settle, informing helpfully, "If it helps, it's mostly teenage girls and a small percentage of the overall fanbase."

Malik wanted to douse his head with cold water for that awful story and laughed when Altaïr seized Vivian by the head, parting her hair to demand madly, "Is your hair naturally black? How old are you? What year are you from? Have you ever met anyone from my family line? For the sake of science, tell me!"

"Yes, 21, 2009, and no" she answered calmly with an amused expression and rubbed his back to quiet the turbulence she caused in his stomach. It turned out that he did bottle up his emotions until they exploded to the surface in similarity to a volcano. She hushed his fretting over what existed in her time since he'd been spared a lot and soothed gently, "There, there, and I still haven't told you about Mary Sue the vampire shape-shifting girl with wings that has a human form and an animal. . . . weird mythological creature form. Or Betty Sue, the girl who's actually from your time but her family was killed by Templars for no logical reason since they weren't even related to assassins. Yet, she was able to survive to carry out revenge and somehow finds you so you can train her to avenge her family. She becomes a master fantastically fast within two weeks despite having no previous training and falls in love with you because you're too bombastically awesome."

"I'm. . .you're not allowed to talk anymore" he ordered sharply to silence the illogical words leaving her mouth and jabbed a warning finger in her direction. She made a zipping motion over her mouth and nodded quietly to prevent another barfing session.

Thank you for reading and please drop a review for poor Altaïr who is probably partially deaf now. And if you're interested in a new Connor/OC fic focusing on Homestead, check out my new story 'Color The Sky'. :)