Chapter 7

Ana

The silence is deafening. I've never had this happen with him before. He was willing enough to have me come back to Escala, but holy shit, this is terrifying. The way he immediately cooled at dinner… I should have just told him. I should have known that he'd jump to conclusions and feel worse if he found out another way. What if he thinks I was going behind his back now? Well, you kind of were. But I was going to tell him when there was something to tell. Like having an interview?

Okay. This is bad.

The only thing to do now is just be honest about the changes that might be coming. But is it the change itself, or the fact that I didn't say anything? That, I don't know. Still… honesty is the best policy, right?

My hands are shaking by the time we pull into the garage. His expression has morphed from impassive to almost pensive. There's a little crease between his brows like he's thinking very hard about something. Like dumping you for keeping things from him. No, that's not what happened. That's not how this ends. Not yet, we haven't had any time.

I follow him out of the car like a lost puppy and things are still eerily silent in the elevator. He always holds my hand or pulls me against him or even slams me against the wall with his lips when we're in here. Tonight… nothing. By the time we reach the top, the only sounds are my heels on the floor and my heart hammering in my chest.

All he said was 'okay.' Are we talking tonight? Are we not? Are we sleeping in separate bedrooms? I mean, it's not your apartment, he just lets you hang out here sometimes. I hadn't bargained for that. I'm not sure I can handle sleeping here if I'm going to be sleeping alone.

I'm so wound up, I nearly jump out of my skin when he breaks the silence. "Do you want a glass of wine?" he asks. I realize I've followed him into the kitchen, and he's already poured himself one. Panic is making my throat dry, so I just nod. He pours another and slowly walks over to me, placing it in my hand, then he actually takes my other one in his and starts to lead me to the great room. The physical relief I feel just from that small bit of contact can't be normal, but I cling to it like a life raft.

We sit on the couch side by side, but with a fair amount of distance between us, and he looks at me expectantly. I realize this is the time to talk. Oh. We're talking. I guess I'd better think of something to say. "So… what Marty said…"

"Do you want to leave SIP?" he jumps in while I pause.

Right for the hard-hitting questions. "I… I've been considering it, yes."

His expression completely deflates. "Still?"

"Well, yes, but—"

"Even after this weekend? I thought we were happy, Ana. Weren't you happy?"

"What?" What the hell does this have to do with the weekend? We're talking about work. "Of course I was happy—"

"Then why do you want to distance yourself from me?"

Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Christian, oh my God, this is 100% not about you. Your buying the company isn't the reason I want to leave. You've done nothing wrong."

He looks at me dubiously. "Then why? You love your job."

"I…" Honesty! Actual honesty! I sigh heavily and drop my head in my hands. "It's a toxic work environment. Ever since everyone found out about us, they freeze me out. They haven't gotten over it. Well, I mean, the men have, and Maya was never mad, but it's mostly women that work there and they want nothing to do with me. It's unfair to you, but I'm afraid to even be seen with you because then it just ramps up again. I walk on eggshells every day and I'm tired of it. This isn't what I want."

He slides closer to me and wraps an arm around me, and I lift my head. His expression is concerned, but also hurt. "Ana… why the hell didn't you tell me? I thought everything had settled down once we released a statement, because you never said anything. I should have known, not only as your boyfriend, but as an executive. Jesus, if this level of unprofessionalism is being displayed every day at one of my companies, somebody needs to tell somebody on our end about it. Even if it wasn't you, one of your superiors should have told us. This is unacceptable."

Oh shit. I never thought of it like that. I mean, when you think about it… it is unprofessional. "I mean, I don't know if anyone above me even knows about it. It's pretty subtle, like dirty looks, not inviting me to things, passive aggressive comments, maybe only things I would notice. And… I know I should have told you, at least as my boyfriend, but you're not just my boyfriend. You hold a lot of power in this situation, and I don't want you to just fire everyone who wrongs me. In case this weekend didn't make it obvious enough, you're protective of me to extremes."

He sighs and smiles sheepishly. "I can't help it. I go a little crazy when it comes to you. But I've never been crazy about someone before, so maybe it just comes with the territory." And with that, I'm a puddle of mush on the floor. It's really not fair how he does that. "Ana…" He loosens his tie a bit. "I have to tell you something, too."

"Wait. Before you do, there's one more thing you should know." He presses his lips together, waiting for me to speak. "I have an interview at a publishing house next week."

His eyes widen slightly, and he stares at me for a moment. "And this… you didn't think to tell me either?" His voice is quiet, but I can hear the hurt in it.

"At first, I thought I would tell you if anything came of it. I just didn't want to waste your time with it, you have so many other things to think about. I might have thought better of that later, but I forgot about everything except us this weekend. I'm sorry."

He brushes my hair out of my face, stroking my cheek. "In case it still isn't clear, the main thing I think about is you. Everything to do with you is a relevant topic to me. I need you to feel like you can talk to me."

"I know… and I do… it's just… you are this powerful, magnetic, intoxicating force of a man and I'm just me and I don't want the fact that you're with someone now to completely disrupt your life. I don't want to… overstay my welcome. I want you to still have your life."

He looks at me with stunned confusion. "I have my life. It's you. Do you really not understand what you mean to me?" I shrug helplessly, feeling unbalanced at the gravity of his words. He looks at me for a moment, then I can see a kind of resolve come into his eyes. "Ana, I've been in the process of moving your offices into my building. I don't like being away from you so much. When I say I want you with me all the time, that's not an exaggeration. I'll take you any way I can get you."

All I can get out is a shallow gasp. And I'm the one with communication issues? "I… you… you didn't think to tell me this?"

He gets up and starts to pace. "Part of me thought it would be better to wait until the process was complete. You seem so… content to maintain all these degrees of separation between us. You don't sleep here that often, and when you do, you first assume that you'll be going home, you don't let me pick you up or drop you off at work, and now, it's clear that you don't tell me even half of what's going on in your head. I didn't want you to freak out and… try to leave." He runs his hands through his hair.

Holy shit. "Christian, like I said, if I leave the company, it has nothing to do with you. The fact that you're above me in the company doesn't inherently bother me because it was done before either of us knew we'd meet again and feel like this. And the separation? We've just barely started dating. I don't want to move too fast. It doesn't mean I don't want to be with you all the time, I do. You completely consume me, and you are the world to me. Honestly, don't you think that moving me into the building where you work is just going to ensure that neither of us ever gets anything done?"

He looks at blankly for a second and then abruptly laughs, making me jump. "You want to be with me all the time?"

His joy catches me off guard, and I laugh with him. "Of course I do. I love you. God, I think about you all the time, too. It's already a distraction at work. If you were in the same building as me, my productivity would be done for."

He joins me on the couch again, taking both my hands. "Why can't we just fuck the rules? Who cares how fast we move? We've waited a decade. If we want to be with each other all the time, why don't we?"

I'm sorry, WHAT? My heart breaks into a gallop. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, why don't you live here? Disrupt the way my so-called life was before you. Invade my space. Start and end each day with me. I want you to."

He says it so casually, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. I could choke on my fear. "Christian… I… I want that, someday. But I was just in a five-year relationship, and we never even got to that. I… I need some time to get used to the idea. I don't want us to mess this up by rushing. Can we just take some time to think about it? I mean, if someday you don't want to do this anymore—"

"Ana," he cuts me off. "I'm not going to change my mind about you. You're it. What is it going to take for you to see that?"

I sigh. I hear Marty in my head all over again. Self-sabotage. I always wonder how he doesn't understand what I feel for him, and yet, hypocritically, I'm guilty of the same. "It's not you. I know I need to get some therapy. I'm… going to, actually. I've done some research and I have a few names in mind." I just need to pull the trigger… but protecting what I have with him is a very good reason to.

He smiles widely. "You have? That's amazing. When do you think you'll start?"

"I was going to call tomorrow."

"I wholeheartedly approve, baby." He leans in and kisses me. I didn't realize how starving I was for it until our lips touch, drinking him in. Heaven. "So… where are we at? Are you staying?"

I blink in confusion. "The night?"

He chuckles. "Yes… but I meant at SIP."

Oh. Shit. "What happens now that you know?"

"We're going to have to take stock of the situation. It'll probably include staff audits and disciplinary action. But I won't rest until it results in a cohesive work environment for you, and for everyone."

"You can't give me special treatment."

"I will be objective to the best of my ability. In fact, Ros might be better to take the lead on this."

I take a glug from my thus-far neglected glass of wine. "I… I think I want to go to this interview. I don't think that means I leave. But… I think I need to see how it goes with another work environment knowing that you and I are public. If that… changes how I'm perceived."

His light expression cools a bit, but he nods after a moment. "When is the interview?"

"Wednesday."

"What time?"

"12:30. I asked for a long lunch for an appointment, and I'll work late."

He nods again. "Okay. It doesn't mean you're leaving for sure?"

I shake my head. "No, it doesn't mean that."

He closes his eyes as if in relief. "Okay. And you will think about moving in here?"

My heart skips a beat. The thought of me living here almost feels like a joke. The first time I came here, I was afraid to touch anything, and now I might be an occupant? "I love you. And living with you would make my heart explode every single day, more than you even know. But… I'm not sure I fit in here."

"Where? With me?"

"No, not exactly. More like in this very expensive, massive place. It just feels more like a museum to me than a home."

"We'll redecorate. Throw everything away and paint it neon pink if you want. You're the only thing I need in this place."

"Well, not only that, but my lease also has eight months left on it."

"Break it. I'll pay for it." I don't answer right away, chewing on my lip and looking down. He gently lifts my chin so I have to meet his gaze. "Please, Ana? Think about it?"

Those eyes. I have no chance. "Yes, yes, of course I'll think about it." I'll probably think about nothing else.

He smiles and pulls me onto his lap, leaning in to kiss me again. I can almost feel his wordless gratitude pass between us, and it simultaneously fills and breaks my heart. I wish I could just be someone who said yes without a care in the world, but I know that if I did right now, the experience would be ruined for me, for us, clouded by anxiety.

I need to get past this… Caleb has vanished into the ether, and yet the effects of spending most of our relationship feeling inadequate has left me completely fucked in the head. I know Christian couldn't be more different from him, but I have the same fears, and that's not fair to him. If we take that big of a step together, I have to be fully present. Maybe to some degree I'll always fear that Christian could leave me, just because I love him so much. But I know what I feel from him now, and nothing has ever felt more right.

As if to remind me, he starts to play with the necklace which I never plan to take off. "Do you have anything else you want to discuss tonight?"

"I don't think so. Do you?"

He shakes his head. "No. The main thing on my mind now is how I haven't had you in days, and I had this fantasy of making love to you while you wear this reminder that you own my heart."

And suddenly all of my blood rushes between my legs. "Well… I want to make all your dreams come true."

"Then I think it's time for bed, don't you?" he asks silkily.

"Bed… not sleep."

"No. Not sleep." He smiles wickedly and stands up, throwing me over his shoulder. I laugh loudly, the sound echoing through this cavernous space. Did I really come here thinking everything might be ruined? We're okay. We're more than okay.

A/N: I'm sorry, I would have loved to go further, but I simply cannot write a sex scene when my brain is like mashed potatoes and I haven't seen another human in three days. Don't get covid.

Thanks for reading. Hope you like, let me know. xo