Chapter 9

Ana

Christian Grey is trouble.

Somehow, he's bamboozled me into a cheerful domestic life with him. We basically live together, we go to and from our respective offices together every day, we eat dinner together, we brush our teeth next to each other, and we go to bed together. How charming. All because Wanda ate it.

I have to say… I don't mind it. It's made him chill out a little. But I'm not sure if that's because I know I have an apartment waiting for me at the end of this. I'm considering just letting him buy me a car at this point just so he has at least one thing I've conceded. And then I can go back to contemplating the long-term security of a step like moving in together.

Yeah… more time overthinking everything. That's all you need.

Maybe that will be easier after today… I have my first therapy session after work. Christian has to work late, so Sawyer will be driving me there. I'm a little grateful for that. The time we've been spending together is wonderful, but… intense. Especially after the kind of relationship I was used to. Completely hands-off to completely hands-on. I love it, but I'm just not used to it, and it makes me anxious. I just feel like I can't get comfortable.

Maya walks in and closes the door. "The roaches are scattering," she stage-whispers.

"Is that a dig at our boss?"

"What? Oh. No. Poor choice of words. Let's say, the bitches are shaking in their boots."

Ah, yes. The community morale survey that went out. Very pointed questions about work environment, inclusivity, professionalism, and cohesiveness. AKA, it's very clear that somebody knows something isn't right. No one knows about the move yet, but it's a sign that something is coming. The next step is anonymous interviews based on the results. "I get that everyone is just doing their job, but I still feel weird that this is only happening because of something I said."

"That's not why. This is happening because people are salty that you bagged their midnight fantasy man, and they can't act right."

I laugh. She has such a way with words. "Okay, that's fair."

"Doing anything fun after work?"

I glance at the clock. Already time to leave. Time flies when you're nervous about your after-work engagement. "Not really. Christian is working late and I'm going to… a therapy appointment."

"Oh! That's great. Hell, I go, and I don't have half the shit you have to deal with."

"I used to go, but I haven't for a long time. I guess we'll see how it goes."

"Well, I hope it's everything you want it to be." She opens the door and pokes her head out. "At ease, soldier," she addresses Sawyer.

He smirks at her. "Miss Landry. Ready, Miss Steele?"

"Ready." As I'll ever be. "Hey, do you think we could just walk? It's a nice day." This therapist's office building is downtown, not far from work, and I could always use a little fresh air.

"Of course."

I drop my stuff off in the car – Christian's car, on loan – and we start to walk. "You know… you're allowed to call me Ana."

Sawyer glances at me. "Mr. Grey prefers formal terms, Miss Steele."

"Okay, how about just when Mr. Grey can't hear? I just feel weird being called that. You're not that much older than me."

He's quiet for a moment. "Well… if it would make you more comfortable."

"It would, thanks. Is Sawyer your first name?"

"No, it's Luke." He glances to the other side of the street. "Ana, get behind me."

"What?" I ask, but I do what he says.

"It's okay. Paparazzi."

I peek around his arm and sure enough, there are some people with cameras snapping away on the other side of the street. Really? Is this that interesting? I keep my head down, but when we turn the corner onto the street we're meant to be on, there's more.

"Hi, Anastasia, you look beautiful!"

"Anastasia, are you and Christian living together?"

"Anastasia, can we get a smile?"

Sawyer firmly takes my arm and shields me with his body from them. This is weird. How did they even know where I would be? Am I always being watched? Ew. Don't think about it.

We finally reach the building after a nice speed-walk. "Do you think you can go back and get the car so we don't have to do that again?"

"I'm not permitted to leave you."

"Well, you'll just be in the waiting room anyway."

"I'm not sure Mr. Grey would approve."

I sigh. "Well, let's find out." I pull out my phone to call him as we step into the elevator.

He answers in one ring. "Hi, baby. What's up?"

I smile. I know he's busy, but he's so cute. "Hello, you. I have a quick question."

"What's that?"

"So, since the weather is nice, Sawyer and I decided to walk to the other building, and we ran into a bunch of paparazzi on the way. I proposed that he walk back and get the car during my appointment when he'd just be sitting waiting for me anyway, but he wasn't sure you would be okay with that."

His tone loses a bit of its sweetness. "Those fucking vultures. You want him to leave you there?"

"Just for the time it takes to go get it. He wouldn't be actively watching me then, anyway."

"Ana, I—"

"Do you always bring Taylor to therapy with you? Is it that dangerous of an activity? I'd rather face one therapist alone than deal with all of that again. Please?"

He's silent for a few seconds, then sighs. "And you say I have a talent for arguing. Okay, I see your point. He can go, but he'd better walk fast."

Victory. "Thank you. That was all I wanted, I'll get out of your hair now."

"But I like you in my hair. I especially like when you pull on it while I'm—"

"Christian!" I laugh. "Not right now. Okay, I have to go. I love you."

"See you at home, my love."

I roll my eyes. "See you later." I end the call and look back at Sawyer. "Did you hear that?"

"Yes. Impressive. I'll wait until you're back there to leave."

We're the only two people in the fairly generic waiting room. There are a few colorful paintings and magazines like Psychology Today for reading material. Same old, same old. I picked this therapist because reading about her vaguely reminded me of the therapist I had throughout high school, and like Marty said, I was doing good then. After a few minutes, a woman around my age leaves the office, giving me a smile on her way out. Looks like I'm up.

Sure enough, a woman probably in her forties with braided black hair peeks her head out. "Anastasia Steele?"

I stand up. "Yes."

She smiles warmly. "Come on back." Her office is contemporary, but warm. It's painted a forest green color and there are several lamps lighting the space, along with a few potted plants. It's like a yoga studio meets office space. I take a seat on her brown couch, which appears to be velvet. "So, I'm Dr. Heather Knight, but I really prefer Heather. How should I call you?"

"Ana, please. I'm not a dead grand duchess."

She laughs. "Hey, allegedly dead. But noted." I laugh in relief. A therapist who jokes. Phew. "So, I like to begin my initial sessions with just a little bit of background about you. Have you ever done this kind of work before?"

"Yes, but it's been years."

"Do you mind telling me when and what that was like?"

"From the time I was thirteen until I was about… seventeen. So, most of my teen years. Um, it started out that I had an eating disorder. And then most of that time was kind of unpacking and processing the things that led to the eating disorder, even after I was recovered."

"So, initially you were receiving eating disorder treatment? Was this inpatient?"

"Yes… it was at a general treatment center for teens initially, and then I got moved when I had some medical problems."

"And after that?"

"It was all kind of tied together. My mother died when I was thirteen… well, she was killed by her new husband. The day before that happened, she had sent me back to live with my dad – well, technically, he was my stepdad, but I never knew my birth father, so he's my dad. So, I had a lot of feelings of guilt, and I channeled that into the eating disorder. But then, I got treatment and I got better. My dad adopted me officially, and then he met this wonderful woman named Marty who emotionally, if not legally, adopted me as well, and I have two loving parents. And… I thought I was fine for a while, but recently, those feelings have resurfaced."

"I'm delighted to hear that you have two loving parents, but I'm so sorry for your loss, Ana. What feelings are resurfacing? Disordered eating, or guilt?"

"No, no disordered eating. I couldn't go there again. Just… the guilt."

"Can you recognize any reason those feelings might be coming back up now?"

"Um… well, my mom was killed by her husband. And I just got out of a very bad relationship. The parallels, once I fully realized them, were pretty startling."

She nods. "I see. How long was the relationship?"

"Five and a half years."

"Well, that takes quite some courage to end, so I commend you for that. If you're comfortable, can you help me understand the parallels?"

"My mom… was a romantic. She couldn't sit still, and she was never really satisfied. So, obviously, she ended up with this man who was a terrible partner for her. I watched it happen, but then somehow, I did the same thing. I thought… I wasn't the same as her. I love her, don't get me wrong, but she made huge mistakes. So… I think in trying to not be like her, I held onto the wrong person for too long. Just because I was afraid of losing someone again, or of acknowledging the truth that I picked the wrong one, or… I don't know. But once it hit me that I'd allowed this to go on for so long, it was a really hard realization."

"When you say the wrong one… what does that mean?"

"He was never around for me. I couldn't count on him for one single thing. He chose others over me most of the time, his friends or parties or whatever was shiny and new. He cheated on me, which I maybe should have suspected for a while, but I didn't know about until the end. And… he dealt drugs. And did drugs. He's in jail now. I felt alone the majority of the time I was with him. He changed drastically from the time we met and I fell in love with someone I thought I knew to the time that things ended."

"And when did things end?"

"Not too long ago. Early August."

"So… you clearly know what's wrong for you. Have you started thinking about what's right for you? Is dating, finding a partner, on your mind at all?"

I feel the blood rush to my cheeks. "Um… well, it wasn't, but… in kind of a twist of fate, I have someone now."

"Oh?" She smiles. "Does this feel different? Right?"

"He's always been different. He's the complete opposite. Dependable, sweet, loving, faithful… my best friend. We actually met a long time ago, when I was first getting treatment for my eating disorder. We were at the same facility, and we became such good friends. We made all these plans to keep talking and see each other once we got out, but then he went home, and then we got separated. Recently, we found each other again. And… we just picked up where we left off, and to both of our surprises, I think, ended up falling in love."

"Goodness. That sounds like quite a ride. How did you end up meeting again?"

"Well… he actually bought the company that I work for."

Her eyebrows raise. "Oh. So, it sounds like he's fairly successful then."

"Yeah… you could say that. Um… have you heard of Christian Grey?"

Her eyes widen, then she smirks. "I do live here. I have."

"Well… that's the one."

"Oh. My goodness. I can imagine that would be quite an experience."

"There are a lot of… unexpected challenges. But he's worth it. And I want to move forward so I can just be happy with him. I need to clear out all the clutter in my mind before I can do that, though."

"What kinds of challenges?"

"For one, we come from such different worlds. Everything about him is larger than life and I find my head spinning trying to fit myself into it. Honestly, back when we were just friends and I knew I was falling in love with him, I never thought it was even a remote possibility that he'd feel the same way. But for some reason, he does, and he's trying so hard to fit me into it, and I feel like I'm not reciprocating like I want to. Plus, I'm having problems at work because I'm dating him, and a lot of women have a crush on him. But he's also the boss, so I'm trying not to stir the pot too much, because he's… very protective of me, and I don't want him to make any rash decisions. But I think I could deal with all of that if I could just get out of my own head. I know he loves me, and I love him more than I can even say, but I'm just… stuck. I'm afraid to get comfortable with him, and I want to get to the bottom of that."

"So, can you explain to me what your goals are in working with me? It seems like you've given it some thought."

"To heal from the past so I can focus on the future."

She smiles and nods, writing something in her notebook. "Can you tell me what kind of roadblocks you're experiencing now that you think are related to the past?"

"He asked me to move in with him, and I just… can't say yes."

"Did you live with your former partner?"

"No. I think that's part of it. I didn't in five years, and now in just over a month, he claims he's ready for that. It just seems too good to be true, or like it's premature, but… I hate saying no to him."

"Well, you're allowed to feel hesitant. If the pace is too fast for you, that's okay. Have you told him this?"

"I told him I'd think about it, and I am. He's laid off a little because we're staying together temporarily right now. That's a whole other thing… my car just broke down for the last time and he wants to buy me a brand-new one. I'm not totally comfortable with it. I just feel strange when he buys all these extravagant things for me. I feel like it makes the relationship so uneven."

"Do you share these feelings with him?"

"Yes. I know he takes that into consideration, but I don't think he really understands. In his mind, he loves me and this is part of how he shows me. He just always says it's nothing to him."

"But you're just generally worried that the partnership is uneven? That, and other factors related to your past, you feel are keeping you from moving forward with him in ways that you want to?"

"Yes. Exactly."

"Well, I'm confident that we can start to sift through this together and give you some perspective that will help you navigate these life decisions. I'd love to take you on as a client if you're willing."

I get a good vibe from her… it was surprisingly easy to revisit all of this. And I really need the help. "Yes, I'd like that."

"Great. We can schedule for next week, and in the meantime, call if anything else comes up?"

I nod. "Okay. Thank you."

"Thank you, Ana. Have a lovely weekend."

I walk out and find Sawyer waiting like he never left, except he playfully holds up the car keys. Thank God. "Home?" he asks.

"Uh… Escala, yes." But I don't live there. I sigh to myself.

Once I'm safely behind tinted windows, I take my phone off of airplane mode. Maybe Christian is onto something. It's definitely more convenient to live in an ivory tower and have a fancy car with bulletproof glass when people are so absurdly interested in your life. And I know he worries about my safety to an extreme degree… maybe moving in would just be easier.

But… I don't want to do it just because it's more convenient. I want to do it because it's right. Because we want to, because we're ready to take a step forward together. Right now… I do and I don't. In a perfect world, I'd say yes in a heartbeat, but I fear complications. Mainly, there's no going back to life without Christian if he changes his mind about me someday. I'm not sure how I'd survive. The more integrated into my life he becomes… the greater the danger.

There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions come from fear. Okay, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross… then why do they blend together so seamlessly for me? I'm in love and I'm afraid.

I look down at my phone and see that a text from Christian arrived about an hour ago, when my session was starting.

That phone call was so quick, I forgot to tell you how proud I am of you. I hope it goes well and I'm counting the minutes until I see you again. Until then, my lavender rose. x

A tear actually trickles down my cheek and splashes onto the screen. At least I know I chose the right one this time. It's just a matter of choosing love without fear. I'm trying. For you.

A/N: I'm curious what you thought of this. I don't see this story being incredibly therapy-heavy, but I feel like I need to include some of it to show growth. Thanks for the reads and reviews. xo