Chapter 10

Christian

I swirl the brandy in my glass. For the first time I can recall since living here, I'm wallowing on the couch. Actually wallowing.

Ana is back at her own apartment for the first time since her car – pardon me, Wanda – left us among the living. To my surprise, and initially, delight, she did agree to let me buy her a car, and she's now the proud new owner of an Audi A5, if her smile on the test drive was any indication. But that means my excuse to have her stay here while she's still thinking about moving in is now void.

It was more than I originally thought she'd concede to. She now has a safe vehicle that I hand-selected for her. She doesn't seem too freaked out about it. And she's still holding up her end of the bargain, considering my proposition for cohabitation.

But all those supposed positives don't change the fact that this place feels lifeless without her. And so I wallow.

I wonder what she's doing. I wonder what we'd be doing if she was here right now. We saw each other earlier, and yes, I still had time in bed with her, but in a strange turn of events, I find I like the falling asleep together part just as much as the making her scream part. I've never slept next to someone in my life before her, now all of a sudden, I'm craving the domestic life.

But tonight, she's going out with Jose and Kate since she hasn't seen them for a while, and then going home. Not to me. To the place that's hers, without me.

I drain the glass, then my heart kicks into overdrive when I hear the elevator. Ana? Hope swells in my chest. Does she miss me?

"Hey! Anyone home? Well, that's a dumb fucking question, it's not like you do anything else." I groan at the sound of that voice that is definitely not Ana's.

"What the fuck do you want?" I call.

I hear footsteps and then Elliot comes into view, pointedly looking at the glass in my hand. "Well, our girlfriends ditched us for each other, and I hate to see my man drink alone." He flops down onto the couch next to me. Jesus. "What's your problem, anyway? You're acting like you got dumped. Wait, shit, you didn't—"

"Jesus, no, I didn't get dumped." Yet. But give me some time to fuck it up.

"Oh. Then why the long face?"

I sigh. "Ana's been staying here for a while and now she's back at her own place tonight."

He laughs and gets up, heading towards the kitchen. "That's why you're pouting? Jesus, dude. If you guys are so attached at the hip, just ask her to move in with you. It's not like you don't have the room."

He returns with two beers and hands me one. "I did ask her."

He's fumbling with the remote, but stops and looks at me when I answer. "Oh. And she said no?"

"She's still thinking about it."

"She said that?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's not a no."

"I know."

"Also, you guys have been together, what, two months?"

"Almost."

"And she was with that prick for, what, five years?"

"Yes," I say through my teeth.

"So, maybe she's not used to the idea of living with someone if she didn't for five years. Which is honestly wild. I mean, not that I'm looking, but that dude had to be blind or brain-dead because Ana is fucking hot."

"You fucking better not be looking," I growl.

He laughs. "What, you don't want her to take time and think about it?"

"No. I respect that she needs that." Even if I don't like it.

He settles on the Seahawks game, then shrugs and half-smiles. "Then I guess I don't really understand the issue, man."

"The issue is that I miss her. This place doesn't feel right without her anymore." It seems even more dark and cavernous in here than it usually does… and that used to be how I liked it. It's like the apartment misses her, too.

"Damn, that's the most human fucking thing you've ever said."

I roll my eyes and knock half my beer back. "Some of us actually love our girlfriends and want them around. Maybe you and Kate aren't all that serious, but with Ana—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean, not that serious?"

I scoff. "What, you're finally going to settle down?"

"Well… yeah, actually."

The seriousness in his tone throws me. "What?"

He laughs nervously. "Well… I'm planning to ask Kate to marry me."

What. The. Fuck. I stare him like he's fucking losing it, which he might be. "Marry? Kate? You?"

"Come on, dude, it can't be all that shocking."

"Uh, yes, it can."

He shrugs. "I love her. I've never felt like this with someone. I figure that's gotta be the sign, you know? Besides, you're not really one to talk. You already asked Ana to move in. You can't tell me you haven't thought about that, too?"

I blink in confusion. "About marriage?"

"Yeah."

"Yes, I can tell you I haven't thought about that."

"You're so full of shit, dude. Kate told me that you gave Ana a diamond necklace the size of her head for her birthday. You honestly haven't given any thought to any other kinds of diamonds?"

"No, I haven't."

"That's weird. You're just gonna live in sin your whole lives?"

"In case you haven't noticed, she doesn't live here." She won't even move in with me and I'm still trying to figure out the boyfriend thing.

"Dude. It's only a matter of time."

"We're not talking about me right now," I counter, exasperated. "You're actually going to propose?"

"Yeah."

"When?"

He shrugs. "Whenever it feels right."

"Do you have a ring?"

"Yeah, I bought one this week."

"And you think I'm moving fast by asking Ana to move in?" Does he not see the irony?

"I mean, not really. I was just messing. I'm honestly surprised by your reaction. I figured you'd be right behind with Ana. You seem pretty serious about her, so I figured that's where your mind would be, too. I guess I was wrong." He says this casually, his eyes focused on the game on the screen, but his words unsettle me.

"I am serious about her. I just… never saw myself getting married," I say, almost to myself.

He scoffs. "And you think I did?"

"What makes you think you're ready?"

"What do you mean?"

I get up and start pacing. "It's not that I don't want to marry Ana. That would be…" The ultimate dream come true. "…amazing, if it could happen. But… I don't think I can be a husband worthy of her."

"Well, you're her boyfriend now, aren't you?"

"And I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I'm just winging it."

"What the fuck do you think the rest of us do? It's not like there was a course on it in high school and you just missed that day. You just do your best and try to show your girl that she's special. Some people are genuinely shit at it. You're not one of them."

"You don't think?"

"No, but it doesn't really matter what I think. What does Ana think? Does she tell you she loves you and she's happy?"

"Well, yes, but—"

"Then you're doing fine. It's not a competition over who's the most perfect or whatever. You both just try to make each other happy and love each other. I'd say you guys have that down, so there's no reason you couldn't get married if you wanted to." He takes a sip of his beer. "But it's also not a competition for which Grey brother gets married first, so you really don't have to think about it just because of what I'm doing. You guys are different, go at your own pace."

I suddenly laugh at the ridiculousness of this conversation. My love-them-and-leave-them brother giving me relationship advice. "You're an expert now, huh?"

"I'm just one player-turned-aspiring-fiancé. Hey, more beer?"

"Sure." He gets up and starts to head back to the kitchen. "Oh, and, Elliot?"

He turns around. "Yeah?"

"I'm happy for you, if that's what you want. I think you and Kate are great together."

He smiles. "It is. Thanks, bro. Hey, do you have any chicken wings?"

I snort a laugh. "Mrs. Jones keeps some in the freezer for you."

"Mrs. Jones coming in clutch! Yes!" He's a pain in the ass, but I have to say, he's a good distraction. And surprisingly wise tonight.

Elliot is long gone, and Ana has been home for a couple of hours, since last she texted that she was home and going to bed. I'm not exactly wallowing anymore… but I can't get any rest either.

Did this bed always feel so big and empty before her? No, of course it didn't. I didn't know what I was missing until she came along and filled up all the holes in my life. She's nowhere, but she's everywhere, because everywhere in this apartment has an empty space where she should be. It's like I'm being haunted by a ghost.

Get a fucking grip. She's across town. She's not dead.

I sigh and roll onto her side of the bed. Her pillow doesn't even smell like her, no matter how deeply I breathe. I shove it away and sit up. There's no point staying in here.

As soon as my feet touch the floor, I know where they're taking me. I sit at the piano and my hands start to play what easily became my favorite after that day over ten years ago. Over the years, the Gymnopédies kept me company when she couldn't.

After I play for a bit, my hands freeze in place as I recall the last time I played this. The first time she slept here… both of us awake in the middle of the night, when she touched my chest for the first time. Back then, I still wasn't sure she'd ever feel the same way that I did. We've come so far since then… but we still have so far to go.

Marriage… that's certainly a topic of conversation I never foresaw myself having with Elliot. But it's also not a prospect I thought I'd ever feel… intrigued by. Tempted by. Excited by?

Why the fuck are you thinking about this now? It's after three in the morning and I'm alone at the piano. Besides, I have no idea how Ana feels about marriage. She mentioned once that she and the prick used to talk about in their early days, but maybe she's soured on it now. We've certainly never talked about it ourselves.

Fuck, get over it. You can't be a husband. You've been a boyfriend for five fucking minutes and how's that going? Well, it's going that I'm at my piano, unable to sleep in my empty apartment.

I'm not even playing anymore, just sitting there enveloped by the silence, when something disturbs it. My phone starts buzzing on the top of the piano. I didn't even remember that I had grabbed it before coming out here. My heart stutters in surprise when I see that it's Ana calling. I answer immediately, unsettled by the hour. "Baby? Are you okay?"

She laughs quietly on the other end. "Yeah. I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

Relief floods through me. She sounds fine. She sounds… adorable. "No, I was up. But why are you awake?"

"Well… it probably sounds pretty pathetic, but… I'm actually having the worst time falling asleep without you. I just thought I'd see if you were awake. I just… miss you."

She misses me. She can't sleep either. I feel almost lightheaded with the delight. She feels the same way I do. "If it's pathetic, you're in good company. I can't sleep without you either."

She's quiet for a second, then giggles. "Are you at the piano?"

I smile widely. "Yes… how did you know?"

"I can just picture it," she sighs.

"Come here."

"What?"

I didn't even realize I'd said it out loud. "Come here. Come back to me."

"I wish I could," she almost whines. "I think I'm still a little tipsy, so I wouldn't drive. I'm just in bed, drunk-dialing my super hot boyfriend."

I groan. I need her next to me. "I'll have Taylor come and get you."

"No, you will not! You let that man sleep!"

Fuck. No, I can't wake him up now. That would be shitty. But this place feels all wrong without her… oh, fuck it. "I'll come to you."

"No, Christian, it would be too much to drive here and then drive all the way back—"

"I won't drive back. I'll sleep there."

I grow tense as the silence stretches out on the other end. "Really? You want to?" she finally says, quiet excitement in her voice.

"I really, really want to. I'll leave right now and see you in fifteen."

She giggles. "I'll scooch over for you."

"See you soon, my love." I head straight for the elevator, sending Taylor a text on the way down telling him where I'll be when he wakes up. Traffic is dead at this hour and I'm so giddy that speed limits aren't exactly the first thing on my mind, so I actually make it there in ten. The doorman isn't there right now, so she buzzes me in.

I forego the elevator to bound up the stairs, and she's already waiting with her apartment door open, a huge, breathtaking smile on her face. I wrap her in my arms, and she jumps on me. I can tell that she is indeed tipsy from the giggling and from the lack of coordination in her limbs. She squeals with excitement. "Oh my God, you smell so good. I missed you so much," she pouts.

As soon as she pulls back and looks at me, I kiss her. Has it really only been hours since I've tasted her? Toothpaste, alcohol, Ana. "I missed you, baby. Come on, let's get some rest." I feel like I'm finally relaxing now that I'm touching her. She instantly calms me.

She closes the door behind us, then subtly pushes me up against it, snaking her arms around my neck. "Can we… not get some rest first?"

As much as I would ordinarily love this plan, she yawns right after she says this. I chuckle. "I'm afraid it might wound my ego if you fall asleep in the middle, baby." I start to lead her over to the bed. It's a short journey. Maybe they're onto something with studio apartments.

I pull back her covers and she climbs in. I slide in next to her and she immediately rolls on top of me, pulling me as tightly against her as she can in her sleepy, inebriated state. I laugh and kiss her forehead. I like tipsy Ana. Well… I love every Ana. "Thank you for coming," she mumbles. "I love you so much. You're my fucking favorite boyfriend."

I laugh again. The slight slurring in her words, the profanity, the cuddling. It's so… cute and normal. "You think I'm doing okay?"

She lifts her head, giving me an almost indignant look. "I wish you could see you from my point of view. Nobody's ever loved me like you do. You say everything I need to hear, you're everything I never knew to ask for… even with all of my stupid baggage. I'm getting used to just being happy, and trying to get used to not being scared, and it's all because of you. Honestly. I'm pathetically, hopelessly in love with you."

Speechless and stunned by the joy that has my heart in a vice grip, I roll us over onto our sides and kiss her deeply, cradling her face with one hand and her body against me with the other. I'm not sure how much of this is fueled by alcohol, but it makes me feel ten feet tall anyway. "I'm just as pathetic and hopeless. Can't you see that? I'm happier than I've ever been because of you. You've become my entire world." She looks at me with doe eyes, blinking away tears after a moment. I stroke her cheek. "Don't you worry about baggage, baby. Do you recall the circumstances that brought us together?" She laughs, conceding me that.

"Okay, I guess we both have baggage. And I guess we are pathetic… sleepless after one night apart," she agrees.

"Not anymore. Close your eyes, baby. I love you and I'll see you when you wake up."

She closes her eyes and nestles into me. I hold her and rub her back as she drifts off to sleep, starting to feel a bit heavy-eyed myself. Her warmth against me and my nose full of her scent is the perfect cocktail for relaxation.

So, we're not living together yet… but we're still drawn to each other. That has to mean something, doesn't it? Maybe she just needs time. She went through hell with that piece of shit, and she needs to see that she's safe with me. I know how it feels to be haunted by the past even when in the present, everything should be okay. And she just started therapy… I take a deep breath of her hair and close my eyes. Maybe we just need time to adjust to the feelings that we have for each other. Both of us.

It's much easier to think logically when she's asleep against me. Trusting me, wanting me, loving me. Self-doubt is at bay in these moments. There's just us.

A change in the light distracts me as I'm starting to drift off. I open my eyes to see that her phone lit up with some inconsequential notification. But what catches my eye is her Spotify icon that's still open… and paused on Satie's Trois Gymnopédies.

I hug her a little closer, feeling lighter than I have all day. Maybe we're more in sync than we think.

A/N: This is the last update of my quarantine, so show it some love if you can. I'm about to be busy as fuck again. :( Anyone who's had covid before, did your fever take forever to go away? I feel fine now but I constantly have a fever. It's very weird.