Chapter 14

Christian

"I can't."

Those two words feel like they leave claw marks against my chest. "Ana… what are you saying?"

She shakes her head, avoiding my gaze. "This was a mistake."

"What was?"

She shrugs. "Us. We're not right, Christian."

I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. "Ana… what…? We love each other. We've always loved each other. How can you say that?"

"You really think that just because we met as two fucked-up kids, we had a chance at making it together? Let's not force it anymore, Christian. If this was meant to work, it would have worked by now."

The longer she speaks, the farther away she gets. Her voice fades in my ears, I find myself squinting to read her expression, but every part of her retreats. "Ana!"

Nothing.

"Ana!"

Silence.

"ANA!"

I shoot up in bed, my heart pounding, and the fruit for my night terrors is immediately evident. Ana's side of the bed is empty. I glance at the clock and it's nearly 4 AM.

I guess I thought that Ana moving in with me would ease some of the anxiety I have about our future, and some of the… okay, jealousy that I have towards Elliot and Kate. I understand the need to go at her pace. Hell, I was ecstatic that she was ready to move forward just a little. And maybe I would still feel that way if she had.

As it is, she still has her old apartment. Sure, she stays with me, but no permanent moves have been made. She hasn't even been back there in over a week. Oddly, it seems that she's throwing herself into work, though I don't know of any pressing projects that they have. But that's the excuse she keeps using for why she hasn't had time to go back and settle things at her old apartment. I'd rather just wash my hands of the whole thing and have someone else deal with the whole moving process, but she's insisted on doing it mostly herself. I don't know how I can argue without jeopardizing us entirely.

She's pulling away and I don't know why, but it's nightmare fuel. She's here but not here.

Her side of the bed isn't cold, so I get up to find her. I would have been notified by now if she'd left, so at least I know she's here somewhere. I peek into all her frequent spots. The bathroom, the library, the kitchen. It's too cold for the balcony. Finally, a flash of light catches my eye as I wander. She's sitting next to the piano, almost underneath it with how hunched over she is, and the light is coming from her phone. She hasn't noticed me, or if she has, she doesn't acknowledge it. I quietly walk closer, but stop when I see what she's looking at.

She's scrolling through photos of her and Caleb. One after the other. My chest suddenly feels like there's lead in it. I just stare as she flips through all those memories, and I'm not sure how long it is before she finally locks her phone and rests her chin on her knees pensively. I don't know what to do.

Does she miss him? Is she having second thoughts?

She turns her head slightly in the direction where I'm lurking, and something tells me I should move. Almost instinctively, I start back towards the kitchen and robotically open up the fridge, reaching for the water. "Christian?" she calls softly. Despite what I just saw, my heart still jumps at the sound of my name on her lips. I look up and she's walking towards me. "I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"

"No. Just had a dream." Which might be coming true.

"Oh, okay." She walks towards me and wraps her arms around my waist, snuggling into my side. "You feel a little clammy. Are you okay?" She reaches her hand up and feels my cheek and forehead.

"Just a… bad dream." Or bad reality.

She squeezes me a little tighter. "I'm sorry. I should have been there." She sounds regretful, probably more than the situation really calls for. Her touch feels just the same, her concern for me feels more than genuine… I'm so goddamn confused.

"Why are you up?" I hear myself asking.

"Oh… just couldn't sleep. I thought I'd stretch my legs." She gets up on her tiptoes and gently pulls my face down to hers, kissing me softly. "Let's go back to bed."

"Ana," I interject as she's turning away. She glances up at me, and I think her expression is guarded, but I'm not sure how well I can judge based on how shaken up I still am. "You would tell me if something wasn't right?"

Her eyes widen a fraction, and then I can almost see her put up a shield behind them. I know it this time. "If something really wasn't right, of course." I get the uneasy feeling that she's choosing her words carefully. "Let's go to bed. We'll both be tired."

I allow her to take my hand and lead me back down the hall, but I know sleep is lost to me.

Today has been a fucking nightmare, courtesy of my fucking nightmare and the scene I witnessed in the middle of the night. I didn't sleep a wink after that, and I'm battling a splitting headache. I have no idea what to make of any of this, and I called Flynn, but he was fully booked today. As such, I'm not sure there's anyone in the building who I haven't snapped at yet.

I nearly growl as my intercom comes to life. "What?"

"Mia Grey has arrived, Mr. Grey."

Oh, this is all I need. I completely forgot that I agreed to have lunch with her this week. It's not my usual style to schedule something with my family in the middle of a work day, but being with Ana has been loosening my work/life boundaries. I'm not sure I have the strength to deal with her today. "Tell her I'm busy."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Grey—"

"Are you kidding me?" Mia barges in and slams the door unceremoniously, casually walking towards me as though she weren't a human tornado. "No, I'm already here. And we all know you need to eat."

I rub my eyes and lean back in my chair. "It's not a good time."

"What's wrong? Jeez, you haven't been in a mood like this since before Ana." Her eyes widen, then narrow suspiciously. "Is there something you need to share with the class?"

"No," I snap.

"Christian!"

"Mia, I don't—"

"Christian." She folds her arms over her chest and gives me a patented I'm-the-youngest-and-that-means-I-get-whatever-I-want-and-there's-no-use-fighting-me stare. "You know that if there's something going on, you should talk about it. It's not good to let things simmer. And judging from the look on your face when I mentioned Ana, I feel like I was onto something."

Jesus Christ. I want Flynn, I get a pushy sibling. "We're still together," I hedge.

"And why wouldn't you be?" she counters.

"I…" I sigh and run my hands through my hair. "I saw her looking at pictures on her phone in the middle of the night. Pictures of her and… her fucking disgusting ex."

"She was looking at photos of them together?" I nod. "What kinds of photos?"

"I couldn't really tell. It just looked like various selfies together."

"Wait, why were you spying?"

"I woke up and she wasn't in bed, so I went to go find her."

"So… what? You think that means she's pining for him?"

"Why else would she be going through their pictures?"

"Well… whatever you think it means, I feel pretty safe to say that it doesn't. I just saw Ana this week."

"When did you see her?" I barely see her.

"I stopped by her office for lunch. That's the thing about you workaholics, if I want to see you, I have to ambush you. Anyway, the subject of he-who-shall-not-be-named did come up, and she wasn't complimentary. Especially when comparing him to you. Oh, incidentally, she did mention wanting to talk to you about something. She didn't say what, she just said she was worried it would upset you."

I feel a touch of hope, but it's not enough to dispel the anxiety that's been building up for the last 12 hours. "Then why does she still have those pictures? And what could she want to talk to me about?" Maybe she wants to dump you. Well, there goes my appetite.

"I don't know. Maybe you could just ask. I doubt she's doing anything shady. Besides, he's in jail. It's not like she could be that invested anymore even if she did have feelings for him. So, can we eat now?"

I blink a few times, processing what she just said. Maybe I am… overreacting. Why would Ana be missing him anyway? She hardly enjoyed his company even when they were together. No. He's out, you're in. But what does she want to talk about? "Where do you want to go?"

She smiles. "Canlis sounds good."

I roll my eyes. "Because I'm paying?"

"If you're a gentleman."

Depends who you ask. "Fine."

I stand up and she smiles, knowing she'll get her way. "Just relax. You guys are perfect together. She wouldn't be moving in with you if she wasn't sure."

And yet she still has an apartment to herself…

Mia's chattering ended up serving as a slight distraction to my worries, but as soon as I was alone again, it all crept back in. I ended up working late simply because I lost track of time. On autopilot, I turn the corner into the kitchen expecting to be greeted by Mrs. Jones, but instead I come across a pacing Ana. "Christian! God, didn't you get my texts?"

I realize that I haven't checked my phone in hours. Jesus, you really are in a fog. "I didn't check, baby. I'm sorry. Where's Gail?"

"I gave her the night off. I, uh… thought I'd cook for you."

That seems like behavior unlike that of someone about to dump their significant other. I'm pleasantly surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah. I know you like mac and cheese… uh, I was practicing it since you told me it was your favorite."

A wide smile spreads across my face. "You were? For me?"

She smiles back. "Of course, silly. Always for you, only for you." In an instant, she's in my arms as I dart across the kitchen, the small distance between us suddenly cavernous. "Wait!" she laughs. "I'm right in the middle of the cheese sauce and I can't fuck this up. Go relax, it'll be ready in about twenty minutes."

For the first time today, I feel like relaxation might be humanly possible. I head to the – our – bedroom to change and once I've freshened up, I notice a bag of miscellaneous things on Ana's side of the bed. It looks like she went back to her apartment today and brought another load of her things over, and my spirits lighten even more.

I take a peek inside, and it looks like a few of her picture frames, knick-knacks, and books. I pick up one of the piles of books and flip through, a smile coming to my lips when I notice Jane Eyre. The first book I ever saw her read. I almost wonder if it's the same copy. I open it to check the year it was printed, and an envelope falls out. It's addressed to Ana at her current address, and a glimpse at the sender's name makes my heart stop.

Why on God's green earth is Caleb writing Ana letters from fucking prison?

"Christian." My head snaps up and Ana is standing in the doorway, her face white as a ghost. "I was calling you."

"Ana…"

"Read it. Look at whatever you want. I have nothing to hide." She's still pale, but her voice is steady. "I was going to give it to you to look at tonight. That's why I brought it. I received it last week when I went to my apartment, it disgusted and horrified me, and then I left it there and came home to you." I'm still looking at her, frozen in place as I digest this, and she walks forward and takes the envelope out of my hand. She pulls the letter out of it, unfolds it, and hands it to me. "Here."

I can feel my expression twist in disgust as my eyes scan down. By the time I'm finished, the edges of the paper underneath my hands are crumpled from how hard I'm holding it. For his empty words, for his sick attempt at amends, for even thinking of the woman I love in this fashion, I could kill him. "Why didn't you tell me this?"

She sighs and slumps down to sit on the edge of the bed. "My first instinct was to not say anything because I knew it would stress you out. I hate that the past keeps coming back to haunt me like this, and I just don't want him anywhere near you. But clearly bottling it up and just avoiding my apartment wasn't working, and honestly, the best solution to this is probably just to go ahead and move as soon as possible so he doesn't know my address anymore. If you still want me, anyway…" Her voice trails off.

I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my forehead, suddenly developing a headache. "Why were you looking at photos of him?"

"What?" She sounds genuinely confused.

"Last night. I saw you scrolling through your phone, those pictures of you together."

"Oh… well, actually, I wasn't looking at him. I was looking at me."

Now it's my turn to be confused. "What?"

"Sometimes… it's like he still haunts me in the middle of the night. If I look at old photos of us, you can see it in my eyes, in chronological order, just how miserable I became. Sometimes I almost forget that that's not my life anymore, and then I just need reminding, so I look at photos of him and I, and then photos of us." She pulls her phone out of her back pocket, opening up her camera roll, then shows me the screen, covering one half of it with her hand. "Look."

The uncovered part shows her, with a small half smile that doesn't touch her eyes. She looks tired and… sad. "Ana…"

She takes the phone away and then shows it to me again a moment later. This time it's a photo of us, both smiling widely. Her eyes are sparkling, and her mouth is slightly ajar like she's in the middle of a laugh. The difference is striking. "You gave me back that smile. Didn't you see me look at these ones?"

"I walked away. I was… confused."

She half smiles and shakes her head. "Well, let's make sure this never happens again." She selects a series of photos and presses the trash can icon in the corner. "I don't want to see them. If I need reminding, I'll just stare at you while you sleep like a total creep."

I find myself smiling. "You know, you're the only person in the entire world who could say that to me without receiving a restraining order tomorrow."

She giggles. "I sure hope that's true. I haven't noticed any other bedmates." We're interrupted by my stomach growling. "Your dinner is ready. Are we… okay?"

Her voice is hesitant, and I realize that I've not said much since she spilled all the beans. Honestly, I was distracted by her gorgeous smile. The one I put there… I pull her to me and bring her head against my chest, resting my chin on top of her head. "Of course we are. As for that fucking loser…"

"It won't be a problem if I move."

"If? No ifs. When you live here, yes, the security is much better."

I feel rather than see her smile. "I know. It's like Alcatraz up here."

"You know I'm informing the legal team. This prick needs an official restraining order against him. He shouldn't be contacting his fucking slander and emotional abuse victim."

"Okay, but please, don't give him a second thought beyond that. H

He doesn't deserve the brain space."

"No, that he doesn't." I kiss the top of her head and inhale, smelling the aroma traveling from the kitchen. "Fuck, that smells incredible."

She leaps out of my grasp and takes my hand. "Taste! I need notes. I want to get it down perfectly for you."

She sits me down at the breakfast bar while she dishes out two bowls and watches me like a hawk while I take a bite. "Whoa… is that Gruyere? How did you know?"

Her cheeks pink. "Well, I talked to your mom and she gave me some tips."

"It's perfect. Seriously." I take another greedy bite. "God, I might have to marry you just so I can keep the mac and cheese supply fresh." She laughs and takes a bite of hers. I think she thinks I was kidding. More and more each day, I don't think I was.

A/N: Hello friends! Once again, I am so sorry for the delay in updating. The truth is, managing my mental health along with all of my responsibilities has been all I've really had the space for lately. I've been depressed and having a break for the holidays was really nice, so I just took full advantage of it. But I do miss this and it's definitely a goal to be better at prioritizing it, for you and for me.

Also, on last chapter, to any of my fellow All Too Well (10 minute version) listeners... yep, that was for us. Thanks for your patience, and I'm excited to hear from you again!