Chapter 18

Christian

I head into the publishing wing, not bothering to hide the burgeoning grin on my face. I do notice the heads turning, as they always do when I make an appearance here, but I don't give a fuck. They should really get used to it. As I reach my destination, I peek through the office window and tap lightly on the glass.

She's on the phone and startles a bit at the sound, but a smile curls on her lips when our eyes meet. My heart creates some stuttering sensation in my chest at the sight of her. It's been what, 3 hours? Fucking ages. She waves me inside. "I'm ready to see the start of book two when you're ready to give it up, Boyce. Alright, talk soon." She hangs up the phone and bounds out of her chair, throwing her arms around my neck. I feel like I'm not the only one who goes through withdrawal. "To what do I owe this surprise?" she asks, beaming up at me.

I tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear and rub my thumb across her cheekbone. "I just wanted to let you know that I have a prior commitment for lunch."

She laughs. "Yes, you did let me know. This morning."

"So I did," I reply, feigning recognition. "Perhaps I just wanted another excuse to see my favorite face."

Mischief dances in her eyes. "Mr. Grey, this is a business. Imagine if the boss knew you were running such an errand? No business, just pleasure? Unheard of."

"My pleasure is on my mind a lot more these days… and your pleasure." I slip my hand down her waist, across her lower belly, ducking under the hem of her skirt.

"Christian!" she whisper-yells, a tad breathless. "There's a window right there. And as you just reminded me, you have places to be."

Yeah, but this sounds better. "I could play hooky."

"I can't. I have a lot to do. Rain check until we get home. You know, the home we share together, where you have unfettered access to all sorts of body parts?"

It's fucking good to be me. "I believe that is ringing a bell." I lean down and kiss her, more roughly than I usually would in the office, given the turn in our conversation. "My desk will be missing you."

Her cheeks color at the memory. I'm not sure which memory exactly she's referencing. I've gotten her there a few times. "Go," she almost whines. "You should really think about the consequences of how irresistible you are."

"What consequences?"

She takes a step back. "I'll tell you later. I have to change my panties all of a sudden."

Those consequences. Perfect. "Laters, baby."

She laughs. "Laters, baby." She gives me a little salute as she sinks back into her chair.

Again ignoring the ogling bystanders, I head back to the elevator. It's been a few weeks of living together and Ana and I seem to be settling in together well. Well, more than well. For me, it's paradise. Still, I feel the prickling of my nerves as I climb into the waiting car and we begin towards the next stop on the agenda. I don't usually feel nervous for this, but I don't usually have such unfamiliar topics plaguing my mind as I have lately. Talking about them out loud is going to be strange, but ignoring them is starting to feel even more unmanageable.

I don't usually notice the weather much, but the gray November skies feel extra heavy today. The ride is a short venture to another office building downtown, and I'm not sure if I'm glad about that or not. I note the empty waiting room and walk right into his office, nerves be damned.

"Hello, Christian," Flynn says pleasantly. "What have you today?"

"Courtesy of Mrs. Jones." I hand him a paper bag and turn my own upside down onto the coffee table.

"That's always a treat. Please give her my thanks," he says as he unwraps his sandwich. "So, what's on your mind?"

I take a bite and chew thoughtfully. A lunch meeting was somewhat by design, so I could use the time spent eating thinking about what I actually wanted to divulge. "My brother is getting married."

"Yes, you've mentioned."

"He's been making these… comments."

He cocks his head to one side. "About?"

I swallow another bite. "Me and Ana."

"What kind of comments?"

"Like… 'when are you guys next?' kind of comments." My voice is low and somewhat grumbly.

"I see." He pauses and takes another bite, and I wonder if he's using that time to think too. "How do you feel about that?"

The ultimate shrink question. I sift through some adjectives before I land on one. "Uncomfortable."

"Say more."

"I… I…" Fuck, why is this so hard? I've told this man all manner of disturbing things. "I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I might want to be next."

"Ah. You see marriage on the horizon?"

"No. I can't be someone's fucking husband. So why the fuck do I feel like this?"

"Well, it's not about being someone's husband. It's about being Ana's. Does that change anything?"

I sigh. She changes everything. "When they all went dress shopping with Kate, Mia sort of took charge and made everyone try one on and I got a picture of Ana in one. It made me…" I get up and start pacing, running my hands through my hair. It'll be a state when I get back to the office, but that's the least of my concerns. "I can just see it. Me being the one at the altar, watching her walk down to some romantic music. All our friends and family there. Planning a honeymoon that she would say is over the top, and I'd sure as hell make sure that it was because I want to hand her the world. A life together, bonded in every way. It just feels right."

He observes my pacing for a beat. "That's very profound, Christian. You articulate your feelings with such conviction. I'm failing to see the issue."

"I just couldn't stomach letting her down."

He chuckles lightly. "Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but welcome to marriage. Hell, welcome to all human relations. You will let her down at some point. She'll let you down too. Any other concerns?"

Are you fucking kidding me? "So that's it? We're just doomed no matter what?"

He shrugs. "If you choose that path, I suppose. It's true, ruptures are inevitable, but it's about how you choose to repair them. But I feel like you're avoiding the heart of it. Do you see yourself being Ana's husband? Is that something you want?"

I feel myself get lightheaded at what I can no longer really deny. "Yes," I gulp.

"Have you two talked about that?"

"What? No." Ridiculous.

"Is that so ridiculous?"

Oh, so he's a shrink and a psychic now? "It's never come up. I don't see why it would."

"You're living together. That might imply future next steps. And if Elliot is making these comments to you, is it possible Ana is getting the same treatment from the bridal entourage?"

The thought makes my heart rate noticeably spike. "I don't know."

"Do you feel comfortable with Ana?"

"I always have." The answer is automatic. In my deep dark soul, I know I'm at my best around Ana.

"So… why not have a discussion with her? It could be casual. Something about how that photo of her made you have ideas, just to get a feel for how she responds. Ana is no stranger to a long-term relationship, it's likely something she's thought about before. But we're not here to speculate on what Ana is thinking. For you, it sounds like this is completely uncharted."

"Of course it is. I've never been in love. I've never even really felt a crush. I've never wanted to be around someone beyond in a platonic way or familial way or a physical attraction way, and none of that ever came close to the pull I feel to her. Marriage has never once crossed my mind, and suddenly it's all I fucking think about. We're together nearly all the time now, and I feel like just that will never be enough."

"We've established that you feel comfortable with Ana. What's so different about this conversation?"

What a dumb question. "Because what if she's not interested?" Then my life might be over. The thought strikes me as dramatic, but it feels true.

"Well… now, I know I said that we're not here to guess what Ana is thinking, but it doesn't make sense that she would uproot her independent life and move in with you if she wasn't at least willing to consider a future with more than that. Ana seems like a sensible girl, doesn't she? I wonder how it would feel for you to look at the facts of what has already happened and trust the connection that you know you share."

"So that's the solution? I talk to her?"

He laughs, probably at the petulant undercurrent in my tone. "I'm short on magic wands, unfortunately, so you'll have to do the dirty work. Can you think of another solution?"

I shrug. "I could try to let this go."

"Do you want to do that?" He waits while I stare at the carpet, knowing that we both know the answer. "And do you think you'd have any hair left by Christmas?"

I take my hand out of my now very unruly locks, not realizing how hard I was gripping. "Talking it is, then." Ana has made mention of liking my hair. I can't lose it this early.

He nods with a small, almost satisfied smile on his face. "I'll be waiting to hear that goes."

Me too. Anxiously.

"Do you think she minds it?"

My muddled thoughts are interrupted by Ana's soft voice. I look up and she's looking off in the direction that Mrs. Jones just went. "Minds what, baby?"

She starts picking at her pasta. Linguini granchio, looking positively mouthwatering. Maybe more so if my appetite wasn't off kilter from the nerves surrounding what I know the upcoming conversation topic will be. "I mean, one of the worst things about living alone is having to figure out dinner all the time after work. That's basically her job. I wonder if it gets old."

My mind has been stewing over how I'm going to broach this deeply unfamiliar but, suddenly, deeply consequential topic with her. Those clouds lift a bit at the casual curiosity in her voice, and I chuckle. "It is her job. Which I pay her handsomely for. Besides, I think she enjoys cooking. The real cross she has to bear is dealing with me on a daily basis."

"Oh, Mr. Grey," Mrs. Jones says, almost scoldingly. Ana laughs at her quiet return as she sets down a small bowl of parmesan cheese. "Hardly. And yes, I do enjoy cooking, Miss Steele, I always have. I think I have it quite nice here." She smiles warmly.

I feel a corner of my mouth tug upwards. My staff has always been strangely kind to me, despite the fact that I know I'm a pain in the ass. "Thank you, Gail. The rest of the night is yours."

"Not that I'm complaining, Mrs. Jones," Ana quickly adds, gesturing at her food with her fork. "I can't say I was whipping up dishes like this in my studio apartment. I think one of your seasonings must be pixie dust, because this is outstanding."

A hint of a blush colors her cheeks. "Oh, thank you, Miss Steele. I'm so glad you're enjoying it. Have a good evening, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele." She nods politely and makes her exit.

I think about how she phrased her last statement and rub my hand over hers. "And how is the change treating you?"

"Which change?" she asks between forkfuls. Knowing her as I first knew her, it's never lost on me how good it is to see her nourishing herself.

"You don't live alone anymore." And you're definitely not in a studio.

She smiles playfully. "No, I don't. And I would highly recommend you as a roommate. Do you want to list me as a reference?"

I snort. "I'm really not interested in taking on any other roommates. But… you're happy here?" I need to hear her say it.

Her expression turns more serious. "Oh, Christian." She takes my hand lingering next to her in both of hers. "Ridiculously happy. The happiest I've ever been, truly. Can't you tell? I feel like my whole body is screaming it. Life with you just couldn't be more of a dream."

I don't think I ever knew how it felt to blush before her. Maybe that's why my tongue jumps before my head can plan it. "Have you heard anything else about wedding planning? I know you've been inundated with it."

"Well, the wedding is on New Year's Eve, and we're in November. What do you think?" She shakes her head, grinning indulgently. "Luckily, it's mostly not my circus, not my monkeys. As you know, I don't have much to say about every minute detail that Kate is obsessing over, and I think she's figured that out. How is Elliot feeling?"

I want to laugh at how well my brother is feeling. "He's in seventh heaven. Who would've thunk?"

"Kate is the same. I never would have guessed she would marry so young. But I guess when you know, you know?" She shrugs. "They're amazing together. It'll be a beautiful wedding." She smiles peacefully as she twirls her fork around.

I gulp. Casual. "Elliot keeps joking that you and I must be next."

Her fork freezes and her eyes widen with what I think is alarm, but she quickly laughs. "Yeah, Kate too. Pretty silly."

She keeps her gaze on her plate while her reaction to this burns my already frayed nerves. "Silly?" I question, my voice impassive.

She finally looks up, and I feel that her expression is more guarded than it was before. Not in a way that would likely be obvious to anyone else, but it is to me. Something is different. A wall is up. "Oh… don't worry about that, Christian. We don't have to think about that."

Her reaction is not what I was expecting. My mind had prepared me for a vehement denial or an excited agreement. This… caginess. This is different for her. I notice that it reminds me of when she was young. In our conversations back then, I always felt like she was giving me an edited version of herself. The same feelings strike me now, and it leaves me tongue-tied. "I suppose… we don't have to."

I think I notice her stiffen, but she again recovers quickly. "If we're happy with how things are now, why would we change it?" Her tone is strange, like she's almost trying to convince herself. Or maybe that's wishful thinking… "I should have asked you, too. Are you happy that I'm here?"

For a bright woman, she can still be so obtuse. "Understatement, Ana. It's like night and day, and you're the sun."

Her eyes soften and she smiles bashfully. "For me, too. You have no idea. See? What we have now is perfect." Her eyes give nothing away, but her tone lacks something. Conviction.

I choose my words carefully. "This is… enough." And maybe it is. But it's not perfect. That's the issue. And I fear it never will be.

A/N: I don't know where time goes. I'm sorry it's been over a month! It felt like a week to me. I was stewing over this one for a while, starting and stopping. Don't worry, this isn't the end of the story (or the world). And we don't know what Ana is really thinking. Have faith!