Happy birthday, Severus! How does it feel to be a quarter century old? -P

Much the same as always -S

Yes, that's what I thought, too, when I turned twenty-five, but my in-laws put a lot of emphasis on the round-number birthdays and anniversaries, so it felt wrong not to ask. I hope that owl got the blancmange to you intact? -P

It did. Much appreciated. -S

I have to tell you what the boys were doing today, it was so funny. I took them over to Arabella's to play with the cats while I ran errands. She let them out in her back yard, and they discovered one of the cats had a new litter of kittens underneath the stoop where it hides the crawl space. They thought it must be too cold under the house for the babies, plus they really wanted to play with them, but none of the kittens would come out.

Does this story involve them both getting absolutely covered in mud after creeping underneath Mrs. Figg's house in a daring kitten rescue? -S

No, actually. On the contrary, they knew I wouldn't approve of that, so instead they decided to lure the kittens out. But not with food. Instead, they went back inside and got into Arabella's bedroom, where they discovered her makeup case and a trunk of hats, mittens, and scarves. -P

...I have no idea where this is going, but it sounds promising. Please continue -S

They painted 'fur' and 'whiskers' on their faces, tied scarves around their waists, then went back down into the yard to kneel down at the base of the house and meowed at the mother cat and her kittens -P

Interesting. The logic of four-year-olds never ceases to amaze. Did Arabella happen to get pictures? -S

She did! She actually caught them while they were still putting their costumes together, but she decided it was funny enough she'd sacrifice the makeup she never uses anyway and a couple of older scarves to the cause. She gave me the films to develop sometime this week -P

Perfect -S

They never did get the kittens out. Probably scared the living daylights out of the mother cat, too. Did you have a good day? -P

Excepting the two hour session of counseling and detention with one of my seventh years, I suppose I did. -S

School's only been back for a week! How did he get detention so quickly? -P

I pulled him out of a drug den in London after he missed the train back to school -S

Petunia set down her pen for a moment. It was times like these when she questioned the wisdom of sending Harry to that school in a few years. She knew she had to, that he needed a magical education she could not provide, that he would probably love it as Lily did, and that Severus would look out for him. But Hogwarts still seemed like an extremely unsafe environment, all things considered. She picked up the pen again. That is not what I was expecting -P

Can't say I'd planned for it either -S

Sounds awful. Is there a lot of that at Hogwarts? Lily never mentioned it, but maybe she didn't know. -P

Dangerous substance use is not common at school, apart from 'study aids' during exam season, but it is certainly known in the wizarding world. Lily would have known about it (all potioneers do), but she never associated with any users that I knew of. I don't expect this student to successfully smuggle anything into school. This could even prove a one-off event for him, since it was his first time experimenting with anything but alcohol, but I am concerned about his future. -S

Do you want to talk about it? -P

I don't mind telling you about the situation with the boy. It's been a headache. We spent a long time talking about his home this evening, with little to show for it. I'm not really sure how to help him. His family does not lack financial resources exactly, but his father is useless, alcoholic, spendthrift, and neglectful, and his mother is in prison. His other close relatives are little better. He was fourteen when the war ended and threw all of his expectations for his future into disarray. For him, the end of the war was truly an awful thing, splitting his family apart and destroying any hope for a healthy, happy home. Of course, his parents were absent a lot even before then. Hogwarts is the only environment that has ever tried to enforce some discipline on him, but he disdains it. He's just not socially prepared to graduate, and yet was deluded that he would somehow coast into a Ministry job until his recent application was rejected without interview. If the war were still on, he'd surely be sucked into the Death Eaters by default for lack of other productive avenues. -S

Sounds like he's had a hard wakeup call. I think I know someone like that, actually -P

Who? -S

Rachel's ex-husband, Phillip. His family was pretty posh once upon a time, and he lived like a prince growing up. Married Rachel while he was still in university for a business degree, living on his parents' income. Then his father lost the family fortune in the stock market crash of 1973-74, and their company went under. Phillip was all set to take a vice-presidency job at the company at the time, with one term to go at uni and an infant at home. The family had to scramble like mad, and he was admitted to the hospital with a nervous breakdown for a few weeks because of it. He did eventually finish his degree and get a different job. Did pretty well for himself in the end, until he and Rachel split up of course. -P

Well, I managed to drag him back to school, so I suppose there's hope for him. I also started reading those books you gave me for Christmas, in case they offer any brilliant insights to help -S

With your iron grip steering him straight, I'm sure he'll pull through. How many detentions does he have? -P

Eight. One for every class he missed while recuperating -S

Are they all with you? -P

I'm a glutton for punishment, yes -S

And as sarcastic as ever. Sometimes, Petunia wondered if Severus was even able to fool himself that he didn't care about his job and his students when he so obviously did. No, you're trying to do right by him. I have little doubt those so-called detentions will function as more counseling time -P

Ah, my devious plot is uncovered -S

I know you, Sev, and don't forget I'm just as Slytherin as you! That Hat said so! It's a good thing you're doing. You said it already: he doesn't have a father worth mentioning and needs discipline. You can provide that -P

He's only six years younger than me, Petunia. I don't think I can persuade him to let me be a parent figure, even if I wanted to -S

Older brother, then. It amounts to the same thing. And don't underestimate yourself. You're always doing that, and it's annoying -P

Yes, mother -S

Petunia grinned. See? And I'm only two years older than you! It works! -P

I walked into that one -S

She snickered. Yes, you did. On the subject of parenthood, what do you think about baby names? We're wanting to stick with my family's flower naming scheme without reusing anything. So not Lily or Iris, and not Aster (my grandmother). I'd be interested in your thoughts. My mother-in-law suggested Sweetpea... Can you imagine that as a legal name, not just nickname? I do like Dorothy, hard not to, but that was too much, even from her -P

Her mother-in-law's tastes were just too saccharine. Everything in her house was cutesy, and most of it pink, except for her dour husband's scattered belongings. Petunia was sure that Severus' opinion, while potentially eccentric due to his innate wizardness, would be more carefully considered and subdued. Meanwhile, Vernon was stuck on Rose, which was... fine. Petunia wanted her daughter's name to speak to her, to mean something! Rose just didn't. The flower had so many associations, so many of them commercial, she just didn't like it much.

I'll think on it. I hope to do better than Sweetpea, at least -S

Did you do anything actually celebratory for your birthday? -P

The Sorting Hat woke me up with a song this morning. Does that count? -S

Depends. Did you enjoy it? -P

No -S

Then no. Get out and live a little, Sev! In fact, I demand you set aside some time next weekend to come out for a visit. It will be good for you -P

I'll see what I can do. One of my prefects is determined to fill my calendar with other duties, but I can stomp on her plans if necessary -S

Is that Gwenog? I thought you liked her -P

I do. She just has energy levels several standard deviations above the norm and believes everyone else does as well. We must all be grateful she expends so much time captaining a quidditch team -S

Sounds like a lively girl. So, do you remember any of the Hat's birthday song? -P

There was a long pause before his reply came. I wish you hadn't asked. I'm wearing the Hat at the moment, and it has insisted on repeating the entire thing, with revisions to see if I like this iteration better. No, Hat, I do not. It is still utterly trite and insipid, and I hate it... And now it's insisting I write it all down for you so you can judge for yourself. I'm really coming to hate this thing. Three more weeks, and then I'm rid of it for good. -S

Petunia snorted with laughter again. Severus' spat with the Hogwarts Sorting Hat was always amusing. Oh, go on, Sev. I want to see what it came up with -P

I doubt it. The Hat's poetry is of a taste that cannot be acquired -S

Now you're just insulting the poor thing -P

Yes, I am. I am thinking very vicious things at it indeed. And the revenge is sweet -S

That's mean. Come on, write it down! -P

No -S

You can't refuse my irrational demands - I'm pregnant! Please? -P

Oh, very well. I'll listen to it a third time and transcribe it, just for you:

"Oh, you've turned twenty-five today,

A quarter century older!"

- Egad, it's specifying the punctuation too. I hate everything. -

"People think you're still finding your way,

But truth is, you're an old soldier:

You fill your days with worry,

Always trying to stay sane,

While that sweet heart you bury

Breaking forth brings you dull pain.

Fear not, silly teacher,

You're a good one through and through:

You wear black and play the creature

Of the dungeons, but I know you:

You're good, and smart, and kind,

Really, really, deep far down."

- How flattering -

"And if you smile today you'll find,

It's way more pleasant than to frown.

I see you sit there, twenty-five,

Thinking that your path is set,

But you are alive!

Your life's no more decided than the teens I usually get.

You don't feel ready,

But you are.

You'll go steady,

You'll go far!

So happy birthday, Severus Snape.

Let a brave new world take shape

Around you and enfolding,

Molding now, and later holding.

You can stay the dungeon bat,

But only with the caveat,

You never hide your good true self

From true good friends, or from yourself."

Despicable, isn't it? -S

You would say that. In truth, Petunia rather liked the poem, insofar as it was a good read on Severus. She suspected he tolerated it more than he said as well, or else he'd never have given in to show it to her. It was the definition of cheesy, though, and she could imagine he would find it mortifying to be sung aloud to him. Hopefully, the Sorting Hat had enough sense not to sing it where anyone else might have heard. I hope you don't regret sharing it with me. And with Vernon -P

Merlin, I forgot he reads this sometimes -S

Don't worry, you've covered your bases well enough insulting the thing to maintain your manly reputation -P

I hate you -S

No, you don't. Funny, how many of their conversations included that little six-word backhanded endearment, though usually she was the one hating on Severus. Well, happy birthday, Sev. From me and from the boys -P

Thank you -S

"Mum! Come play with us!"

"In a moment, Diddy." Boys calling. Got to run -P "What are we playing?"

"Doctor! The baby has a cold." Harry solemnly presented their plastic baby doll, which opened its mouth to cough once.

Ugh, the moving doll again. Of course it "had a cold;" both the boys had runny noses and sore throats last week. Hopefully, Harry only made it cough, not produce snot or other gross substances. She definitely needed to ask Severus to keep Harry from animating it somehow. One more thing, Sev, is there a way for you to enchant toys so that Harry can't influence it with magic? It would be much appreciated. It's that doll I got them for Christmas. Harry keeps making it move and it's creepy -P

Hmm, he has a penchant for charms, it seems. Lily was good with them as well. There is not a good general anti-magicking charm, but I might be able to come up with something myself, either by tweaking a shield charm or designing a specialty potion that could resist at least some effects. I'll do some experimenting and let you know. Good night -S

Good night -P She tucked the journal away and turned to the boys. "Well, I suppose we must fix the baby some soup and give her some medicine then, eh?"

Dudley and Harry both smiled and nodded happily.

Author's note: of course the Hat would give Severus a birthday song. And of course, Severus would hate it, lol. Side note, it's kind of funny how much random poetry I end up writing for my various fanfictions, when I'm not usually inclined to poetry, either reading or writing. No offense to anyone who is named Rose or Sweetpea; I have nothing against those names, but they don't fit with my version of Petunia's character. Thanks all for the lovely reviews. I'll continue to update Fridays, although you may or may not get another bonus chapter in the interim...