In the wake of Dudley's mildly disastrous birthday bash, all the adults breathed a collective sigh of relief when Harry asked for a day out at the park with cake, a selection of tapes to go with the Video Home System Dudley had received from his grandparents for his birthday, and a quiet family tea at home with no extra child guests. He even agreed to holding the party on the Sunday before his actual birthday so Severus and Vernon could be the official chaperones for the park trip: Petunia came along for picnic lunch but then retreated back to the house with Arabella to work on the evening meal in relative peace.

It was definitely easier on everyone. Severus only hoped Harry wouldn't feel the more muted preparations to be a let-down in comparison, wouldn't feel second-best, second-thought. That was a feeling Severus well-remembered from his own neglected childhood, watching other children with gnawing envy. Even Lily. Obviously, Lily's son was far from neglected. Harry was getting everything he had asked for. He just wasn't receiving the same level of extravagant gifts his cousin had from the Dursley grandparents and Marge. Severus knew from watching the Hogwarts students, though, that nuance was often entirely lost on children. Severus actually had to hold himself back from going out and buying Harry more and better presents to make up for the short fall, ones he knew were beyond his means, or at least beyond his means on a sensible budget.

(Eyeing a beautifully sculpted animated model of a Welsh Green dragon that would have matched Harry's eyes splendidly, Severus finally understood the impulse that led the rich purebloods to utterly spoil their children, something that endlessly irritated him when said children showed up at Hogwarts. He held firm and didn't buy it. Maybe next year, when Harry had been officially told about magic.)

(Except it might not be in the shop next year. Wizards didn't mass-produce such pieces the way muggles did... he ended up going back for it a week later, telling himself he would save it for a Christmas or birthday present in a few years. As if it knew its destined owner, the little thing curled up around Severus' stash of cards from Harry and Dudley and fell asleep clutching the precious "hoard." He resolutely did not wrap it up to bring to Little Whinging on the day of the party.)

Vernon set off to oversee the neighborhood children picking teams for a football game, with Harry positively glowing as one of the captains.

Severus settled into his usual park bench with the folder of the schoolwide potions and Slytherin student complete OWL and NEWT results for the year. They had just arrived this morning for staff review. This was one of the few summer administrative tasks he did have to address promptly so the Ministry could send official scores to students, particularly since the results were already late this year. Something to do with amendments to the usual rubric. At least it didn't take long to do. There were no glaring discrepancies in the potions scores to suspect cheating. He was pleased to see improvements in the OWLs compared to last year. NEWTs were the same. Hopefully, scores would continue to improve in the next couple years as the students came up through the revised curriculum. The Slytherin classes scored about the same as they usually did, except for some improvements in both potions and defense. He composed a rough report for Minerva on the piece of parchment he had hastily enchanted with the Protean charm this morning, a match for the otherwise blank note currently winging its way towards Hogwarts from his home in Cokeworth. It only occurred to him after he had sent it that the charmed note could work as a stealth weapon against Minerva if she ever really, really irritated him. He knew she kept all her official school administrative records in a large drawer in her office enchanted to be about twenty feet long and self-filing. He could set his copy on fire and burn down her whole desk. He made a mental note to ask Filius for even more details on the Protean charm and perhaps use it on every piece of correspondence with any Death Eaters still at large. Insurance.

His task done, he capped his fountain pen and stowed everything away again into a magically expanded inner pocket. He looked up just in time to see Dudley score a goal. The child trotted over excitedly to Vernon to bask in his achievement. Harry found Severus' eyes and waved happily. Severus nodded to him and sat back with crossed arms as the game recommenced.

Honestly, he might have helped introduce the boys to football, but he still rather found it boring to watch. He actually agreed with Vernon that boxing was the superior sport, just as dueling was more entertaining than quidditch. Quidditch had the edge over football, if only because it was three-dimensional and had bludgers.

Severus snorted as two five-year-olds collided with each other and went down in a heap. Fortunately, neither cried for more than a few startled seconds, merely scrambled up and started chasing after the ball again. Such incidents were by far the most entertaining part of these games.

Vernon called the end of the game after another quarter hour and escorted Dudley off to the park loos. Harry came to sit next to Severus, juice box in hand.

"Uncle Sev?"

"Hmm?"

"What's it like to be a poof?"

Severus blinked in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"I heard Uncle Vernon telling Auntie Petunia you must be a poof, 'cause Auntie Petunia's your best friend and Mummy was your best friend before that and Auntie Petunia didn't know if you had a girlfriend. Do you have a girlfriend? I'd like another auntie. And if you get married, I could be your best man 'cause Auntie Petunia said you don't have a lot of friends, you just like us because we're family, and so I figure I can be your best boy friend if Auntie Petunia gets to be your best girl friend but can't be your best man because she's a girl..."

"You can be my best friend, Harry," Severus interrupted. "What exactly do you think is a 'poof'?"

Harry brightened. "I don't know. I guess it's a boy whose best friend is a girl, but I was thinking like you said words that sound the same have similar meanings or words have multiple meanings, and 'poof' is like 'puff,' and 'puff' is like this," he took a deep breath and blew loudly, "so maybe..." he paused dramatically, "A poof is a boy whose best friend is a girl and because of that can fly!" He grinned broadly, clearly very proud of his logic. Severus had no idea how to respond. When Severus said nothing, Harry seemed to take that as confirmation. "I would like to be a poof, too. I can tell Robin she's my best friend, and then you and me can go flying together!"

Severus snorted and shook his head. "I thought you wanted to be my best friend?"

"You can have multiple best friends."

"That's not how superlatives work."

"Both you and Robin are super."

"A superlative is an adjective ending in -est, indicating the most extreme state."

"What's an agitative?"

"A word that describes things. The point is only one thing or one person can be the best in a given category."

"Oh. Well. You can be my best boy friend, and Robin can be my best girl friend, just like Auntie Petunia is your best girl friend. Can you teach me to fly?"

"Maybe when you're older. That has nothing to do with who your friends are, though. In fact the word 'poof' as your uncle used it has nothing to do with who your friends are."

"Oh. Then why did he say you're a poof because Auntie Petunia's your best friend?"

Severus closed his eyes for a moment, debating internally how to handle this. Deflect? Distract? Define, which would throw Vernon under the bus? Although Vernon did deserve it, truth be told. He decided to explain a little, just enough to satisfy the boy so he wouldn't try bringing it up with someone else who might take real offense, or worse, spread it around to the rest of the children and thereby upset all Petunia's neighbors. "What Uncle Vernon meant with that word was a man who is interested in other men romantically, not just as friends. The better word for it is 'gay.' And I don't want you to go around talking about other people possibly being gay. You don't want to assume things like that."

Harry considered this for a moment, looking vaguely disappointed. "Okay. That's not very interesting. It sounded much more exciting when Uncle Vernon and Auntie Petunia were talking about it. Auntie got all red."

Severus barely contained the urge to facepalm.

"You can fly, though?"

"What?"

"You said maybe you'd teach me to fly when I'm older."

He had, hadn't he? Trust a small child to latch onto that detail rather than the difficult-for-adults social topic. He donned a smirk that would do Lucius Malfoy proud. "Everyone can fly, Harry. That's what airplanes are for."

Harry gasped. "You can fly airplanes?!"

"Er... Oh, look. Dudley's coming back. What game did you want to play next?"

Mercifully, Harry cheerfully forgot about that whole conversation, or at least didn't bring it back up again the rest of the afternoon. He squealed with delight whilst opening up all his presents and told Petunia the treacle tart she had made in addition to his birthday cake was the "best thing I've ever eaten in my life."

By the end of the evening, Severus couldn't help himself. He'd kept his eyes on Vernon on and off, and the man had squirmed under his gaze, face tinging purple as it only did when he was either quite upset or quite uncomfortable. As Arabella cleared up in the kitchen, Petunia sat down to nurse Dahlia, and the boys settled in to watch a cartoon before bed, Severus confronted Vernon in the hall, quietly.

"Did you intend to introduce Harry to derogatory terms for the homosexual population quite so young?" he said silkily. "I'd have thought we could wait on that at least until we've informed him about the whole magic thing."

Vernon's flush deepened. "I- what are you on about?"

"Harry told me an amusing story about a conversation you and Petunia had about me. I had to explain to him what a 'poof' was. Care to elaborate?"

"And you told him?"

"The bare minimum, and not to repeat that word to others. Sounded like you were the gossipmonger, by the way."

"That wasn't supposed to get back to you."

"Clearly, but you failed to tell Harry to keep it a secret. Though he's still rubbish at keeping secrets anyway, so you'd have been better served keeping quiet."

Vernon glared at him. "Look, I can see you're offended. I would be, too, I suppose. But it's, er, well, you were the one acting strange."

Severus arched an eyebrow at him. The purple deepened to puce.

"It's no business of yours what I talk about with my wife," Vernon muttered.

"I suppose not, in general. But by the same token, I should think my private life is none of your business."

Vernon's chest puffed up defensively. "It's ruddy well my business what sort of grown man wants to spend hours, every day, hanging around my wife and children!"

Severus gaped at him. That was not the turn he was expecting, but everything about the situation suddenly snapped into focus. While he might understand the sordid logic, Severus had no sympathy. In fact, he was livid. "Exactly what kind of man do you take me for?" he hissed.

"I-" Vernon quailed and didn't answer him. He didn't have to. Severus could see every doubt and suspicious thought swirling in his mind: the possibility that Severus was homosexual was the least of it. The best option, in fact. For all that Severus and Vernon got on quite well despite their differences, in his darker moments, Vernon still saw a strange man, confirmed spy and killer and wizard with unknown powers, wheedling his way into his home. Always present for the past month. More present in the lives of his children than he was. More present for his wife than he was, to the extent that it was after talking to Severus that Petunia decided to call her doctor about the baby blues.

Worse: Severus the would-be wife-stealer. Severus the schoolteacher with an unhealthy interest in other people's children.

Of course. As always happened in Severus' experience with pretty much everyone Severus had ever even slightly relaxed around with the possible exception of Lily, Vernon turned his insecurities outwards and onto him.

"You disgust me."

"Don't talk down to me in my own house, you freak!"

Severus waved a wandless muffling charm around them. He stepped closer and sneered as Vernon's purple face blanched white. "Relax. I didn't think you'd want to upset the women and children with this little argument. Now, let me set the record straight. I am not pursuing your wife. Nor am I a child molester. You should apologize for insinuating otherwise."

"I didn't really think you were," Vernon said quickly.

"Of course not," Severus said smoothly. "You should also probably apologize to your wife for not trusting her."

"I never-!"

"Shouldn't you trust her to handle herself and bring any concerns about me to you?"

Vernon seemed to gather some of his courage again. "Damnit, man, you're a magician. I don't know what kind of mental mumbo jumbo you could do!"

Severus' righteous anger flared again. "And that would be assault or rape. I repeat, what kind of man do you think I am?"

"I'm sorry." Don't hurt me. Don't hurt my family.

Severus blinked as Vernon's terrified thoughts bled into his mind. The man had backed up flush against the wall, eyes wide. "I'm not going to hurt you," he said impatiently. "Christ, that's my whole point."

"What on earth are you... what's this buzzing?" Petunia's voice broke in. Severus jerked and looked at her, standing in the doorway to the living room and twisting a finger in her ear.

He hastily canceled the muffling charm.

Petunia frowned and eyed the two of them. "The two of you look like Harry and Dudley when I've caught them with hands in the candy jar. Vernon?"

Vernon's frightened eyes flicked to Severus. He cleared his throat. "It's nothing, dear. Just, er, clarifying some things with Sev. Nothing to worry about."

Severus scoffed. Petunia's lips pursed.

"Er, it's my fault. Apparently Harry overheard what we were talking about the other day and repeated it."

Petunia rolled her eyes. "For the last time, Vernon, Severus is just weird. It doesn't mean he's gay, and he's certainly not been flirting with me."

Severus almost choked on his tongue.

"And don't you start. You are strange, Sev. I tell you that all the time. You're abnormally intense at times and reserved at others, but as far as I recall, you've always been that way, even when I was watching you interact with Lily before you went off to Hogwarts. And Vernon's speculation isn't unfounded. You've never told us about a girlfriend or talked about that side of your life in general, and it is a little odd for an unmarried man your age to spend so much time with an unrelated married couple. You'd have all the local gossips talking if they didn't think you were my brother. And we don't care that you're strange, so get over it."

Severus' eyes flicked to Vernon again. Petunia might be content to put him in a "weird" little box, but he didn't think her husband was quite on board with the idea, not after what he'd seen in the man's mind in his moment of panic.

"I'm sorry," Vernon muttered. He looked more afraid than apologetic, which Severus was somewhat chagrined to see. While intimidating a man like Vernon Dursley could be enormously satisfying in a moment of anger, he knew it was ultimately counterproductive to his goals here. He nodded sharply and stepped away from Vernon again.

"Apology accepted. I'll say goodnight to the boys, and then I'll be going." Petunia nodded and allowed him to slide past her.

Author's note: Harry is now old enough for the interminable run-on sentences of childhood, in addition to incredible child logic and repeating embarrassing things. And while I think we can all agree our three main adult characters are worlds better than the people they were in the book, they're still far from perfect. I don't remember if the Dursleys were canonically homophobic, but such would certainly fit with their characterizations in general. To be clear, I am not and absolutely and unreservedly support the LGBTQ community. Thanks for the reviews as always, and updates will continue to be sporadic.