They arrived at NERV HQ.
Remembering how lost they got when she lead them around, Misato decided to bring a map today. Sure enough, they skipped over six hours of screwing around and managed to reach their intended destination. Several hallways from the testing range was the pilots' locker room, practically hidden in its own little corner.
There was usually a screened door within the locker room separating the men and women sections of the room. Misato trusted Shinji to respect the space once Rei came back to the fold.
"Here's your stop, Mr. Ikari. You're supposed to get changed in here."
Shinji nodded at this information. Supposedly he would find a plugsuit inside the room, which would help him connect him further to the Eva. The thought of being more connected to that monster made him shiver, even as he replied-
"I'll do it, Miss Misato."
Misato rubbed his shoulder affectionately. "Don't sweat it. Unit 01 is still in repairs. You'll mainly just be doing simulations. You're going be okay."
Her words did little to soothe Shinji feel better, but he nodded. At that moment, two technicians walked next to them.
"Yo, Katsuragi! Hi!"
A man with short hair and glasses waved at her. He was followed by a man with longer hair and a disinterested look. Misato recognized them at once from the bridge.
"Hyuuga! Aoba! Good to see you!" She pointed at her ward. "This is Shinji, the new pilot. Shinji, these guys are at the bridge helping you out. Makoto Hyuuga, Shigeru Aoba."
"I heard all about you, kid." Makoto smiled. "Pleased to meet you."
Shinji raised his hand to them. "Um, thanks. Pleased to meet you too, sir."
An awkward silence came between the group. Misato noticed how Shinji stilled upon meeting the two. She frowned, remembering he wasn't good with new people. She patted Shinji on the head.
"Well, I have to take care of some paperwork at my office. You be a good boy and listen to Ritsuko during target practice, okay?"
"R-Right." He responded, not sure what else to say. "Of course."
She turned and marched right down to her office. Makoto took another look at Shinji. His eyes seemed dimmer now, vacuous and disappointed without Misato. Makoto could relate. He figured he could at least give the kid some words of encouragement on his first day not being attacked by an Angel.
"We'll do our best to take care of you during missions. Relax! If you die, so will the rest of humanity!"
He immediately regretted his choice of words as Shinji began to cringe. Frustrated, Shinji opened the door to the locker room, and slammed the door shut.
"Looks like you messed that up, buddy." Shigeru patted Makoto's back. "Let's get some snacks before our shift begins."
Makoto just sighed in shame. He was hoping to get some points with the new pilot, maybe with Misato too, but it wasn't to be. Odd kid too. He seemed so shy, like he wasn't used to being around other people. Maybe the Commander's son was the quiet nerd in his school, like Makoto was.
He hoped Misato knew what she was doing with him.
"Position target in the center, pull the switch."
click
"Position target in the center, pull the switch."
click
"Position target in the center, pull the switch."
click
Misato rested her shoulder on the wall, frowning at Shinji's detached words heard over the speakers. Two weeks passed since he was recruited as a pilot. While Unit 01 was finishing repairs, they had Shinji perform tests using a simulation plug. So far, it was limited to basic sync tests and target practice.
For the past 40 minutes, he had been shooting at copies of the Angel with a thoroughly disinterested demeanor. His eyes were half-closed, his body sagged, the exhaustion clearly visible in his voice even as his fingers twitched on the trigger. Endlessly repeating the same phrase, more to keep himself focused rather than because he truly needed such a banal instruction burned into his skull.
She didn't like his attitude, that was certain. If a soldier couldn't muster the will to fight he'd be killed in an instant. Ayanami and Asuka trained their whole lives for this, but he was barely getting started. Shinji wasn't ready. What if an Angel attacked them while right this instant?
Evidently, Ritsuko didn't share her apprehension. She almost swooned at the results on the computer terminal.
"He's handling target practice fine enough." She said. "I'm surprised he adjusted so quickly. Every single shot hit the core."
"Incredible…" Maya Ibuki, one of NERV's chief technicians and Ritsuko's mousy protege as far as Misato was concerned, brightened up at the new data set. "His sync ratio rose from 41% well into 90s in just two weeks! He's a natural!"
"That fast? Either he's born lucky or he doesn't keep a lot close to the chest."
Misato had to keep herself from laughing.
'Oh no, he definitely keeps shit close to the chest.' She thought with bitter amusement. 'Total opposite of Asuka in that regard. She pushes herself on others, he prefers retreating into himself over dealing with judgement.'
Admittedly, it made him easy to deal with. He didn't make things hard for her, or necessarily push her away when she wanted to spend time with him. It made him predictable, especially for teasing. He wasn't unenjoyable company.
But getting to know him was hard. Getting him interested was hard. It was a challenge to her, and she hated not having a plan of attack. She wished she knew what to do. Scratching her head, Misato elected to make her presence known to the people in the room.
She marched over to Ritsuko's side in order to watch Shinji up close.
"How's it looking there, Ritsuko?"
Her friend jumped in fear. Misato giggled as Ritsuko collected herself, flushing in frustration.
"Don't scare me like that, Misato!"
"Heh heh, sorry!" She waved her hands. "I figured you could use the wake up call. It was getting boring watching you just stand there."
Ritsuko rolled her eyes. "How professional of you, Captain."
"It's my job. So what's the situation with Shinji? Not giving you any problems?"
"Not at all, Captain. Your boy is perfectly healthy, even though he looks and acts like a zombie during testing. I've seen more enthusiasm on office drones than on him."
"That's what I'm trying to work on." Misato tried to smile. "Might as well let Shinji know I'm here."
She pressed a button on the terminal.
"Hey Shinji, you're doing great. Just a few more minutes and we'll get lunch after."
Shinji stopped what he was doing and looked through the camera. Misato did not expect the way his eyes lit up upon seeing her.
"Um, sure!" He said quickly, turning back to the target. "What was I doing, um, here we go! Switch!"
He gained a sense of composure that he hadn't shown the entire time she was watching him. He fired at the Angel with a touch more confidence. Misato couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at this action, as she removed her finger from the button.
"He didn't act like this before…"
"Hm, unusual." Ritsuko shrugged. "Maybe he was just sleepy before? Or he was recovering from one of your meals?"
"Hey!"
"It's a try and tested theory. I remember vomiting for a month because of your curry. Poisonous to human beings"
"Pen-Pen never had a problem with it."
"My point exactly, birds aren't people."
"You're not people."
"Now who's being immature?"
They heard a laugh. Misato turned to Maya, who couldn't help but beam with joy.
"You're overthinking it." She explained. "Shinji's just happy you're here to see him, Misato! He must really care about your opinion."
Misato scoffed. "He doesn't really."
"I'm just saying, you're his guardian." Maya shrugged. "He doesn't really talk to anyone but you. Seems believable enough he'd be looking for your approval."
"She's not wrong." Ritsuko wound up agreeing. "Whatever it is you're doing, keep at it. We need him motivated to fight the Angels."
"He's not a tool, Ritsuko." Misato narrowed her eyes. "He doesn't want to be here. I'm not going to push him any more than I have to."
"Okay, then don't push him. Just keep him happy so we all don't die. Better?"
Not really, but Misato kept her mouth shut. She tried to focus on the test, and only on the test. Shinji's lips curled ever so slightly upward as he shot another Angel down. Misato had to admit, she liked seeing a smile on him. She wished to see it around the apartment more.
He always seemed sad, which was quite odd to her. He's been to school and hardly talked about it besides homework. Not friends or classmates or a teacher he had a crush on or anything…
The realization hit Misato like a freight truck. She pretty much was the only one he talked to, wasn't she?
"… Hmmmm…"
Fun as it would be to keep him to herself, it just wouldn't do for a growing boy to have no friends. After the test, she had lunch with Shinji which confirmed her thought. It was another a quiet affair, him taking peeks at her occasionally. Cute though he was, she wanted to help the kid find himself.
A plan of attack came to Misato, finally.
If Maya is right, if he cared about her opinion…. Maybe she could use that.
Misato decided it was better to leave her idea for the next day. It was foolish of her, really.
She forgot how horrible it was to wake up early.
Shinji had school at 8:30 AM. Misato usually slept in until later, as her shift wouldn't begin until 10:00. Shinji would wake up earlier, around 6:30 AM to prepare himself and make breakfast for her. A nice gesture she was all too proud to take advantage of, otherwise she'd be hungry all day.
Today, though, she couldn't afford to stay in. If she wanted to put it forward, she had to talk to Shinji before he left. It was hell having to force her tired, sagged body out of bed just her ward, but Misato did it. She did not change out of her long-sleeved pajamas nor take a shower. At best, she allowed a few buttons opened around her chest to give Shinji a view. Service, it's what you get for living with her.
She sat around the table, thankful Pen-Pen was still in his room. He's probably having a better time than her right now.
'Wish it were me sleeping. Stupid bird, I give you lodging while I get nothing. Stupid, ugly piece of shit bird.'
Misato didn't really mean it. She was just grumpy, a feeling only lessened once Shinji came out of the shower dressed in his school uniform. He was startled to find Misato waiting for him.
"M-Miss Misato? You're up early."
"Yeah. Figured I could talk to you about something." She yawned. "Sorry, not fully there yet."
Nodding, Shinji went and made coffee for her. Having a roommate was the greatest thing that ever happened to her, Misato decided, as she took the hot cup from him and sniffed the aroma. In spite of herself, she was satisfied and awake.
"Yummy yummy in my tummy… Gosh, you're a miracle worker. The world's greatest butler, Shinji Ikari, heheheheh…"
"T-Thanks, Miss Misato…" He said with a shy smile. "I made it how you liked it."
He blushed again, which made Misato's heart skip a beat. He really was eager for her approval, wasn't he? Well, if that was what he wanted, she'd be sure to give it to him more often.
She made a show of gulping the coffee in one fell swoop, letting her chest rise high.
"I really do appreciate it, Shinji." Misato smiled. "Not as good as the morning beer, but I'll need this for now."
Shinji scratched his own chin, unable to respond due to shyness. Misato decided to ask:
"How's school coming along?"
"Oh, um… it's going well." Shinji said with a shrug. "No problems."
"You sure? No one giving me trouble? Know anyone?"
"Well, no one is…" Shinji stammered trying to sound good to his guardian. "Erm, giving me trouble I mean. I don't know anyone, really. The class-rep is nice to me, sometimes I mean. I think she's just a nice person really."
Misato tapped the coffee cup. "Just her then?"
"Y-yeah."
"Is she being friendly? Or maybe she's into you~"
"Misato!"
"Come on, girls should be all over a guy like you!"
No company besides her, hm. Misato noticed the SDAT Player hanging just outside of his pocket, all tucked in.
"Heeeeeey, whacha got there?"
Shinji noticed where she was pointing. Tentatively, he pulled the SDAT player out of his pocket.
"This? Um, it's a music player. I take this to school every day… most everywhere really. I like listening to music. It's not a problem, right?"
"Hmmm… no, no it's not Shinji." Misato carefully phrased. "Why don't you leave that here today, though?"
He was startled at the question. "But why?"
"I mean, you carry it every day. You probably shut people out while you do so. You do have a life outside of being a pilot, you know."
Not really, Shinji kept the thought to himself. He was mostly at the whims of what other people wanted him to do. It seems Misato wasn't going to be different in that regard.
"I'd like it if you tried talking to your classmates. Who knows, maybe you'll make friends right away with your special Shinji charm! Whadda ya say?"
Still, nothing she said was really unreasonable. He wasn't going to know anyone if he kept his earphones plugged in. He didn't want to let people in, mostly to avoid getting hurt. He would humor Misato for today, then tell her he didn't meet anyone. Shinji reluctantly complied with her demand, handing the SDAT player to Misato.
"I'll try, I guess."
"Don't worry, Shinji." Misato waved the player in her hand. "I'll make sure nothing bad happens to it. If you need anything, just call me like you usually do. And-"
"- if an Angel arrives, you'll call me." Shinji nodded. "Got it."
Misato ruffled the hair on top of Shinji's head, smiling. She found it rather enjoyable to mess with the hair, as if Shinji was letting her get close.
"I'll pick you up from school later. Bye bye, Shinji-kun!"
Shinji left the room, just a bit dour than before. Misato sighed, knowing he wasn't thrilled with her actions but chose to look at the bigger picture.
"It's like Ritsuko talked to me about the other day… the Hedgehog's Dilemma."
Two hedgehogs huddle together for warmth during winter, but the spines on their backs colliding and cause them to bleed in the effort. Misato was rather familiar with that concept, having metaphorically shed blood sharing herself with men. More often than not, she was left hurt and as lonely as she started.
Misato wondered if humans really were built for one another. The few times she truy reached out to people, all she ever seemed to do was hurt them. She wondered if Shinji felt the same way. Couldn't be. He was far too young to face complexities like that.
She was worried about Shinji being hurt, but it was necessary for him to take a step like this. If he doesn't make an effort to find friends his own age, he might retreat into a dark, empty void. Misato would never forgive herself if he went through the same thing she did. It was for the best, she decided.
"WAAAAAARK!"
Misato turned her head to the new arrival. Pen-Pen blinked at her.
"Oh, sorry Pen-Pen. Shinji went out already."
Glaring at her, the penguin shrieked and retreated back to his cave. Misato sighed.
"Yeah, yeah I know, you don't gotta rub it in ya jerk…"
Shinji walked to school alone, like he always did.
He arrived at school, surrounded by people but not a part of them, like he always did.
He sat by himself, holding a book in his hand, no one approaching him or sparing a glance. Just another student at school, sitting by the window, waiting for the day to end.
Like always.
The main difference being that today, Shinji didn't even have music to listen to. Ever since he received the SDAT player as a child, music has been his number one tool to escape from the real world. Music kept him stimulated during the long periods of nothing that were his life. Without it, Shinji felt number than usual.
It wasn't that he wanted to be alone all the time- or maybe he did, he was rather conflicted on that point. Friends would be nice to have, or a girlfriend like Misato teased him with, but actually approaching anyone was a nightmare. Shinji knew his true nature: a dishonest, hopeless coward who'd only hurt others. Spending just a few moments with him would make anyone see that. Everyone stayed away from him because they sensed something in him that was wrong.
Misato didn't seem to understand that for whatever reason. She was encouraging and supportive, to a point that made Shinji suspicious. He didn't believe she only saw him as a pilot, but there had to be some other reason she wanted this to happen. Why is she so concerned over him?
He shook his head, feeling an odd withdrawal coming over him. He looked around, finding the few students left in the class happy and talking to themselves. He frowned.
'Why can't it be that easy for me?'
Shinji regretted acquiescing to her odd request. Before, he could just ignore the chitter chatter of the students over sports teams or musicians he knew nothing about nor relate to. Now, he was actively reminded of his loneliness and it was difficult to ignore the void forming in his heart over his self-imposed isolation. He grabbed a book from his bag, opening to random pages.
"Brrrrrrrwooooooowwwww…"
It was a biology textbook. Shit. Shinji never understood the subject particularly well, even when his teacher tried to help with homework. He focused on the page about mitochondria.
"Pew pew pew, Bwoooooooosh! Tatatatatatata-"
Over 90 percent of the energy in cells come from the Mitochondria? They regulate the metabolic activity of the cell and romotes the growth of new cells and cell multiplication. Interesting, interesting…
"Byooooosh, hey Class-Rep! Look over here! I'm firing at the Angel from here!"
His eye twitched in annoyance. The mitochondria played an important role in apoptosis or programmed cell death, which result in the production of more cells-
"Bram, kapow, boooom! Could you hold the camera, maybe you can get some good shots.
Shinji dropped the book and its fascinating subjects, turning around in a fit of frustration. There was another boy his age, wearing round glasses, shaking a VTOL toy for his camera. The class-representative, a freckled girl with pigtails shook her head in disapproval.
"Aida, you're disrupting the class with your little play session!" She told him, speaking what was on Shinji's mind. "Did you even deliver the prints I gave you yesterday?"
"I did, I did!" The boy- Aida- put down the toy and the camera. "Cheer up, Hikari. Touji's going to be fine and dandy. I called him earlier and he seemed fine."
"Did he really?" She said, looking seriously. "You're not lying?"
Aida nodded."Positive. He said he wasn't injured or anything. Come on, I'm not annoying anyone in the class!"
"Y- You kind of were…"
Shinji hitched his breath as soon as both teens turned to him. Great, now he made himself a part of the conversation. They stared at him in curiosity.
"Hey! You're the new kid aren't you?" Aida pushed his glasses up, the glare from the sun blocking his eyes. "That's the first peep out of you I heard in weeks."
"… I don't like talking." Shinji scratched the back of his head. "Could you keep it down? I was trying to read."
"See, Aida! You were interrupting him!"
"Hey, it's either I play or I have to think about that giant robot- the Eva, I think. I love military crap, but the idea of people being dead…"
Shinji's eyes widened in fear. "P-People died?"
"Impossible!" Hikari shouted. "The news reports all said nobody was injured!"
"You saw how the explosion was didn't you?" Aida pointed out. "There were fighters scrambled from Iruma and Komatsu, and there were troops from Misawa and Kyushu. I'll bet at least 20 people were injured, and there had to be a few fatalities too."
The thought of those people being dead… Shinji grabbed a hold of the desk to keep himself steady.
"T-They're from the military attacking the Angel, right?" He had to ask, he needed an answer right now. "What about the Eva battle?"
"The Eva?" Aida blinked. "Well, that we know for sure. No one died. Strangest thing I heard was that the Eva was pretty brutal when it came to beating the Angel. There's a whole science team devoted to researching the dead body, really freaky shit. It's kind of awesome, actually."
Relief. Shinji breathed. He didn't kill anyone. Good. He didn't know what would happen if he did…
"I'm Kensuke by the way." Aida raised a hand to Shinji. "Class-Rep and I go way back. Your name?"
Shinji looked at the hand, and back to Kensuke. His eyes seem to shimmer in excitement, like he had a lot of questions he was holding back. Curiosity over him. Hikari smiled sympathetically.
"… Shinji Ikari." Shinji took the hand and shook it. "Pleased to meet you."
"Great! Since you're the new kid, I was wondering if you could confirm something for me-"
The doors slid open. Another student entered the room.
Kensuke and Hikari immediately recognized him. Shinji hadn't seen this boy at all since he came in. He didn't have the white shirt of the regular school uniform, rather he wore a black, white-striped exercise jacket. This student wore a scowl as he tossed a bag over his own seat.
"TOUJI!"
"Suzahara…"
The jock craned his neck to look at the three students worried over him.
"Kensuke, Hikari… where is everyone? Has our entire class disappeared or what?"
"They've all either evacuated or they transferred to others schools." Kensuke explained. "No one wants to stay here after that last battle inside the city."
Touji rolled his eyes, a growl entering his voice as he spoke.
"Finally satisfied your sick kicks, Ken? You finally happy to see a real war, now?"
Kensuke flinched at the tone. Hikari looked on in concern.
"Suzuhara, Aida didn't mean any harm! What's the matter? Why didn't you show up for two weeks?"
Touji twitched at her voice. Shinji could see his body shaking in a boiling pit of frustration.
"My little sister… Sakura was crushed under a pile of debris. We managed to bring her in alive but…"
Tears formed under Touji's eyes. He was utterly broken before his friends.
"They couldn't save her… she's dead. Sakura is dead! I should have kept an eye on her, shouldn't have let her leave… My dad and grandad are working at the lab and there's no way they can leave their post so I'm alone at home… They can't even mourn her."
"Touji…"
Hikari whispered his name quietly as she placed a hand over his shoulder. Touji cried into her arm, allowing himself to show his blistering emotions to the group. Kensuke reached over and hugged his friend from the side.
Shinji did nothing. He was frozen, unable to accept what he had just heard.
"I'm… sorry to hear about her…"
Touji didn't hear those pathetic words. Hatred began to burn within him.
"When I get my hands on that robot pilot I'M GOING TO KILL HIM! Our city was destroyed and my sister's gone! What'd that stupid idiot think he was doing?! HE WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS IF IT'S THE LAST THING I FUCKING DO!"
"You can't just say those things Touji!" Hikari tried to soothe him. "Calm down, you're scaring the others!"
At that the boy stopped. He couldn't help but sigh. "You're right… sorry… I'm so fucking pissed right now. The pilot is… is…"
Shinji flinched at the scene in front of him. His fault… someone's sister was killed and it was his fault that it happened. If he were truly a noble person, he'd confess right this moment and take whatever punishment awaited him. Instead, he kept it to himself. Shinji said:
"He must be a monster… I hope he dies…"
Touji blinked, finally realizing there was a newcomer. "Who are the hell you?!"
"S-Shinji Ikari…" Shinji said, trying to fight his own tears. "I am so sorry about your sister."
The other boy said nothing. Touji stared at Shinji, searching for something in him. Before it could escalate, the teacher- an older man with a receding gray hairline and large glasses- arrived to interrupt the tense moment.
"Class will begin now. Horaki?"
"Right." Hikari stood up. "Rise, bow, sit!"
The class went like nothing happened. The teacher gave a lecture on Second Impact, a topic that was increasingly exhausting to the small handful of students if they were even still interested in learning. They began to ignore the teacher in favor of using the school's chat system for conversations. Shinji was put into those groups by default, meaning he received messages on his laptop during clsss
He chose to ignore them, electing to remove himself from those groups. He didn't want to talk to anyone, not after what he had heard.
'I'm a coward… dishonest, sneaky and weak…' Shinji thought. 'I hate myself, I don't deserve anything.'
ding
A text message, a question. Shinji heard giggling from girls behind him.
Are you a pilot?
Y/N?
Shinji stared at the message for a solid minute. He clicked his answer.
No
Disappointed groans and sighs filled his ears. Shinji ignored them. He brought a hand to his eyes and began to cry.
Misato was wrong. He didn't do an admirable thing, he killed someone. He took a sister away from her brother. He was utterly useless.
Author's Notes:
A bit of my hand has been revealed. My aim is to write the darkest MisaShin fic I can come up with. I hope not to disappoint.
I thought of showing a bit of the Fourth Angel battle, but this felt like a good place to leave the chapter. Reviews:
engel17white: Rest assured, Gendo and Miss Iscariot are not going to end up together or anything. Aside from MisaShin, I don't have other pairings planned yet so we'll see.
Calborghete: You... came to the wrong place for AsuShin. Granted, I do have plans for Asuka and her relationship with Shinji will be better than the anime, but this is a MisaShin fic through and through.
QUICKM33MZ2005: I didn't expect you to be reading this fic, so thanks for taking the time to read it. To be honest, I was inspired by reading Language of Masoch to write this story so I want to thank you for writing Masoch and being an inspiration. Looking forward to your thoughts!
Next time we'll find out how things played out in this new timeline.