After Kurt comes home from hazing Hunter, he's confronted by his own insecurities and self-doubt. So he asks for help from the one person who can help.
Marley.
Notes: So, here we have a little moment with Kurt and Marley. We get some of her back story, and how the two of them know one another, which diverts from canon a bit. Also a warning for mention of Blaine, and little Blaine unfriendliness.
Kurt doesn't realize how much the night has taken out of him until he gets back to his house. Christ! He'd only been gone about three hours, give or take, but he's more tapped out than if he'd spent the night at his club spanking every slave in the place … which he's done before, so he knows from whence he speaks. Maybe it's because, even though he'd enjoyed tormenting Hunter a lot, his escapades at Dalton were highly adrenaline fueled. He wasn't afraid he and Elliott were going to get caught. Not for one minute. On top of the fact that he knows Dalton pretty well inside and out, Jeff and his boyfriend Nick had helped them with the finer points. Breaking into the dorms without being seen, for one. Finding Hunter's room and picking the lock, for another. And the trickiest bit of all, breaking back out whilst carrying a whining, wriggling sack of shit over their shoulders.
But regardless of whatever obstacles they came across, good old Jeff had an out for each and every one. At one point, when a small pack of seniors walked by, he distracted them by making out with his boyfriend while Kurt and Elliott ducked into a recess. Jeff went so far as to shove his hand down Nick's pants, ensuring the boys would look away, and moaned to cover Hunter's desperate attempts to attract attention. The pack of boys, who weren't supposed to be up and about at that hour either, rolled their eyes, groaned, "Go back to your room if you're going to do that," and strolled off, none the wiser. Jeff and Nick went above and beyond, especially for two boys their age. Kurt should have guessed from the fact that Jeff is so nice and soft spoken that he'd have a touch of deviousness hidden up his sleeves.
In Kurt's experience, that's the way people usually work.
But he didn't expect the two of them to have the same sized balls that his Sebastian did.
God. What a different world they live in now.
Jeff and his boyfriend made a cute couple, and Kurt prayed they remain brave and strong in the years to come, after they graduate Dalton and venture out into the real world.
Where people meaner and more powerful than Hunter Clarington will try to break them.
He made a mental promise that, along with Sebastian, they needed to be protected at all costs.
Kurt had to admit that it was fun causing mischief at Dalton again. It reminded him of the good days he'd spent there during high school.
It made him feel like a teenager again.
Which is why crashing as soon as it was over succeeded so spectacularly in making him realize what a rickety old man he was fast becoming.
Not that Sebastian would agree. He would say that Kurt is young and handsome and athletic. But Sebastian sees their relationship through rosy-colored glasses. Although, what part of Kurt's life is actually reality? He lives in a dark wonderland where he reigns supreme, spends his nights presiding over a throng of adoring subjects, while a virile, wealthy young man showers him with trinkets and, at the snap of his fingers, worships him for hours. The only normal thing in his life is his relationship with Sebastian outside the D/s realm – the one where they lie around in bed talking about life, eating greasy cheeseburgers, and watching trash TV.
The relationship that Kurt swears up and down doesn't exist.
He unlocks his front door, the tumblers sliding together in smooth succession, barely making a click. It swings open, and he's immediately struck by how quiet and dimly lit everything seems, as if everyone inside decided to hit the hay. But there's a light on in the kitchen, and sounds of tea being served, so he knows that's not the case. He removes his boots, hangs up his jacket, and walks softly into his house. He needs a few seconds to defrag before he deals with any more people tonight – even though the only people here are one of his best friends, her slave, and Kurt's own beautiful boy, who he's been itching to get at, his hands opening and closing subconsciously around air at the thought of tying him down and fucking him unconscious.
But Kurt doesn't see his boy sitting at the table doing his homework the way he'd been told, and that irks Kurt a little.
No jumping to conclusions, Kurt, he tells himself. Marley may be sweet and fair-tempered, but there's no way she'd let Sebastian get away with disobeying one of Kurt's orders.
Marley peeks out from around the doorway before Kurt makes it to the kitchen. She motions him to the table with a cup in her hands, apparently meaning it for him. She sets it down, then goes back to the stove for a second cup. In a shadow by the door, Kurt eyes Marley's sub Jake kneeling, eyes focused straight ahead like the obedient pup he is, patiently waiting for his opportunity to serve.
"Hey, Marls." Kurt leans forward for a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks a ton for stopping by on such short notice. I really appreciate it."
"Anytime." She takes a seat in a chair perpendicular to Kurt's. With the kitchen light behind her, her auburn hair glows like a halo. Kurt chuckles to himself. That's probably what most people think when they first meet her, that she's this beautiful, innocent angel - kind, compassionate, empathetic to the pain of others. And she is those things. But like the rest of the company Kurt keeps, she has many other layers, including a sharp pair of horns hiding underneath that angelic glow. "He's such a good kid."
"Speaking of …" Kurt peeks around "… where is he?"
"He finished his homework hours ago, if that's what you're asking. When he heard you guys pull up, he asked for permission to go to his spot, wait for you properly."
"Excellent." Kurt relaxes into his chair with his cup of tea. He doesn't have to add cream and sugar. She's already done it for him. One of the benefits of having friends for decades is they know everything about you – from how you take your tea to where the bodies are buried.
He raises the cup to his lips. The tea is warm against his skin, comforting, creamy on his tongue, with the right amount of sweetness to make it feel like a treat. A perfect cup, just the way he likes it. As he sinks into it, letting the soothing properties of chamomile consume him, he's reminded of Sebastian's skin – light tan, warm to the touch, and so incredibly smooth. God, he wishes Sebastian was there right now, finishing up his Calculus assignment instead of kneeling at the foot of his bed. Not that Kurt is in the right headspace to do anything with him yet. He's actually looking forward to finishing his tea. But it would be nice to have him there, close enough to touch, dressed in his soft t-shirt and sweats, like Marley's sub kneeling in the corner. They wouldn't have to say a word to one another, not even acknowledge each other. Just being in Sebastian's presence after the evening he's had would be enough.
It's more vanilla a scenario than Kurt can stand and yet it sounds so perfect.
Marley clears her throat. The sound resembles a laugh. "Have I lost you there, Kurt? Are you falling asleep on me?"
"Not yet," Kurt says. "I have a long night ahead of me."
"Hmm. Sounds like fun."
"It will be."
When Kurt had made the decision to head to Dalton and enact revenge, he knew that bringing Sebastian along was a no go – not only because his sub could get into trouble for the kidnapping and hazing of Hunter, but because Kurt didn't want Sebastian to face the boy who'd orchestrated the attack on him.
Not yet. Sebastian isn't ready.
But he didn't want to leave his boy alone in his empty house with his thoughts for company. Kurt knows how dangerous that can be, especially after something traumatic. Sebastian has blown the attack off as if it were nothing, but Kurt sleeps next to him at night.
He hears Sebastian's whimpering.
He hears him pleading.
He hears Sebastian crying out his name, begging Kurt not to be angry with him.
Not to leave him.
For several nights, Kurt rescued Sebastian from his nightmares with his mouth or his hands.
No, he couldn't leave him alone.
When it came to sub sitters, the first person Kurt thought of was Marley. Among his group of close friends - people he's known since high school and trusts unconditionally - she's the most reliable, the most responsible.
The most like a mother.
She also has an uncanny ability to get people to open up to her, sometimes without saying a word. Kurt might have had that as a motive. Sebastian hasn't confided in any of Kurt's friends. He hasn't had want or permission to.
Was there a chance he could have opened up to Marley?
He's praying Sebastian did, even a little, because Kurt is confused. He's man enough to admit it. He's usually so sure about his feelings for people, but when it comes to Sebastian, he doesn't know.
Or maybe he does, he's just not willing to accept them.
Lord knows he's gotten an earful from other people about what they think of this relationship.
Blaine called Sebastian a boy. He said that eventually Sebastian will tire of him. And as much as Kurt hates Blaine, as much as he thinks he can take his opinion and shove it up his ass, he might be pointing out the obvious. And Elliott … well, Elliott has his own motivations. He wants Kurt. Kurt knows that. He's known that their entire relationship. But Elliott thinks Kurt and Sebastian don't add up either. Because he has selfish motivations doesn't necessarily mean he's wrong. Sebastian? He seems determined to find any way possible to stay with Kurt. But does he know what he wants? What he truly wants?
He's infatuated with Kurt, probably because, the way Sebastian tells it, in his previous relationships, he's been the take charge guy. Now he's found someone to take charge of him. That change of pace might be exciting, but how long can that excitement last?
At Sebastian's age, Kurt was infatuated with Blaine. All he wanted was Blaine. All he could see was Blaine. His world revolved around Blaine. Yes, he wanted New York and Broadway and Vogue, but only if Blaine was included in that equation.
But it went sour, and because of it, Kurt swore that his first love would be his last.
Out of preservation, Kurt has convinced himself that Sebastian wants to be with him because he's the shiny new (figuratively) toy. But what happens when Sebastian moves to New York and sees the shinier newer toys? Toys his age. Toys he has more in common with. Toys that might want Sebastian to be that take charge guy again?
A life of kneeling at Kurt's feet may not seem so desirable after that.
"Are you alright, Kurt?" Marley asks. "I can hear you thinking from over here. Did something go wrong tonight?"
"No, not at all. I was just … I was just wondering … did you and Sebastian … you know … talk … at all?"
"A bit," she says, smiling mischievously. Kurt's eyebrows shoot up. She shakes her head. "He didn't offer anything. I asked him a few questions, he gave brief but well thought out answers. He didn't go into detail, to protect you, I'm sure, but I got a pretty good impression of how he feels overall."
"Overall?"
"Mmm-hmm. About school and about life. About you," she finishes, diving back into her cup.
"And what was that impression, if you don't mind my asking."
Marley looks him in the eyes, chewing her lower lip. "Don't you know?"
"If I knew, would I be asking?"
"I don't know. Would you?"
"Don't play games with me, Marley!" Kurt snaps, pushing back in his chair. "It's been a long night."
"I'm not playing games, Kurt. I just find it amusing that you're so damned stubborn, you can't seem to see past the nose on your face."
"Or maybe you're seeing something I'm not seeing because I'm not the trained professional. You're the psychiatrist."
"Child psychiatrist," she corrects, taking the final sip of her tea. "I'm a child psychiatrist now."
"Is there a difference?"
"Yup. Children are way more rational with regards to their feelings. More mature, too."
"Well, Sebastian's a child so …"
"Oh no," she says emphatically, putting her cup down and folding her hands in front of her the way she used to during their sessions. It's her 'let's get down to business' pose. "No, he's not. That sub of yours may only be eighteen, but he's no child. He's a man. And …" Her sentence curls around her tongue as she traps it between her teeth.
Kurt leans forward in his chair. "And …?"
Marley stares at him, her mind sorting through the bullet points of her conversation with Sebastian. Technically, she's not obligated to keep anything he told her confidential. He's not one of her patients. And he didn't tell her anything she didn't already know. But there are shoulds and shouldn'ts in the real world - lines that aren't specifically drawn, but implied.
On the other hand, Kurt deserves to be happy.
"Jake," she says without turning to look at him, "go into the living room." Without a word, Marley's slave crawls across the floor, eyes lowered, and into the next room. She waits until he's gone, until the muted sounds of his finding a new spot in a far corner to resume his kneeling stop.
"He's in love with you, Kurt."
Kurt stares at her - not shocked, but tired. Too tired to handle this.
Then again, he's the one who asked.
"That's hella inconvenient seeing as he'll be leaving soon."
"And you're just going to let him?"
"Yes, I am. I'd be an asshole to stop him from going to college and living his life, wouldn't I?"
"Yes, you would. But why not go with him?"
"My life's here, Marley. You know that."
"Your club's here, not your life. There's a difference."
"And my father. Remember him? Burly guy, works on cars, has a mad tendency to have heart attacks?"
"Kurt" - She switches to a tone that reminds him of long lectures given by self-righteous high school teachers - "you moved away from Lima the second you graduated high school. And that was what? After your dad's first heart attack? And yes, you've always been close by, which is why moving to New York wasn't that big a deal. New York isn't that far away. Don't use your father as an excuse. You know he wouldn't appreciate that."
"I have roots."
"Roots can be dug up, trimmed, replanted. People do it all the time. He's moving to New York, Kurt! New York!"
"So?"
"New York was the dream! Remember?"
"And?" he asks, purposefully, and obnoxiously, nonchalant.
"And you can still make that happen - with him!" She smacks a hand flat on the table top, a blow that might have been meant for his face since she obviously thinks he's insane. "Are you honestly telling me that you'd rather stay here in cow country than jet off to the city of your dreams with a man who wants to spend the rest of his life worshipping you?"
"He's young. He's naïve. I don't think he's experienced enough of the world to settle down with anyone."
"So, are you saying he's too young to know his own mind?" Marley asks, a disapproving frown pulling down the corners of her mouth. "Because, if you are, that's a little hypocritical of you, all things considered."
"Maybe I'm protecting him from making my mistakes, did you ever think of that?"
"The mistake you made was trusting Blaine. And you're not Blaine, Kurt. You never could be."
Kurt looks into his cup to avoid her gaze, at the ghost of his reflection in the milky surface of his cooling tea. He doesn't like what he sees. Vulnerability. Self-doubt. Insecurity. They're a part of him, but he's worked so hard to hide them, he'd fooled himself into believing they didn't exist. But there they are, deepening the lines on his face. "What if … what if we get to New York, and he realizes that, you know, he made the wrong choice? Wanting me?"
"And you don't think you could recover from that?"
"I don't want to put myself in the position where I'd have to! I don't need to follow heartbreak where it leads. I've had plenty of it right here. And somehow, no matter what I do, no matter how I hide, it seems to find me."
"Now you're just feeling sorry for yourself."
"I'm playing it smart."
"You're playing it safe."
"What's the frickin' difference!?"
"Life requires risk! Without risk, you miss out on so much! You're a smart man, but giving up on the chance for something amazing to play it safe? That's not you, Kurt."
"Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do."
"Pfft! Of course, I do," she says, waving his ridiculousness away with her hand. "Besides, aren't you being a bit hard on yourself? Doesn't he want to be here? Doesn't he want to be with you?"
Kurt's eyes return to his cup, his fingertips sliding along the handle, following its path. "I guess. I mean, he says he does."
"Of course, he does," Marley says in a softer voice, suddenly aware of the possibility that Sebastian might be able to hear them from the bedroom. "You can tell. He wants to serve you and only you. And you deserve him. He's the best sub you've had in ages, admit it."
Kurt stares blankly at his remaining tea, his non-answer her answer. He can't admit it, not out loud, because it is true. The snarky, cocky, eighteen-year-old on his knees in the other room is, hands down, the absolute best submissive Kurt has ever had.
Better than Adam.
Better than Elliott.
Part of that is because, even though Sebastian wants what he wants, he doesn't impose those wants on Kurt. He's mentioned them once or twice, they've even fought about them, but he doesn't try to manipulate him.
And he backs down when he's told.
But mentioning that would be further proof that Kurt is being an ass with his constant denial.
"You're acting like hooking up with someone younger is completely unheard of. You seem to forget, Jake is younger than me."
"Yeah - ten years younger. By society's standards, that's an acceptable gap. Nobody looks at the two of you together and thinks it's creepy. I was a grown man when Sebastian was born."
Marley snickers. "I find it a little ironic that you, of all people, who own that giant, neon-covered middle finger downtown, are concerned with what society deems acceptable. You gave up on that a long time ago, the day you turned in your Vivienne Westwood suits and Alexander McQueen scarves for torn t-shirts and leather. And grown man? You were roughly Sebastian's age when Sebastian was born, and considering your attitude about his age, going by your logic, that didn't make you a grown man."
"Whatever. That doesn't mean I'm wrong."
"It doesn't mean you're right."
Marley watches Kurt settle into his chair, arms crossed, chin pinned to his chest, gluing his eyes to his feet. She watches him fold into his discomfort and sighs to herself. She's one of the few people who can get away with talking to him like this. Marley and Kurt have a unique relationship, which is saying a lot considering his lifestyle. Back in high school, she battled long and hard with anorexia. Kurt was one of the few people (not trying to get in her pants) who helped her out. Her journey to health and acceptance prompted her to go into psychiatric medicine, and he was one of her most ardent supporters. She felt a lot of pressure to pursue the arts after high school, but she feared that could turn out to be a toxic atmosphere for her. Kurt stood up for her choices. He didn't let anyone belittle her for choosing medicine over music (as backwards as that sounds).
As much as she loved singing, she wanted to practice medicine more. Kurt understood how important it was to her, how personal her passions. He'd battled depression in high school, stopped eating, even contemplated suicide. He didn't see a therapist, never told a soul, but he managed to pull himself through.
He knew of one or two other McKinley students who weren't as lucky.
He saw Marley's decision as one of the most noble, and he was so proud of her.
To fight your own battle is one thing. To make the choice to then help others fight theirs is a whole other.
She had the vocal chops to become famous, but that future wasn't guaranteed.
And nothing said it would make her happy.
She graduated a semester early and went to Yale. She swore she would someday repay Kurt's unwavering support.
After Kurt was abused by Blaine – years after, as he was struggling to recover - Kurt became Marley's first – and last – adult client. No one in their inner circle could understand why a man who seemed so sweet, so charming, who seemed to love Kurt so much, could become the man who abused him. They knew Blaine had been bullied, knew he had a distant father, an egotistical brother, but it was still a mystery.
Marley couldn't unravel that mystery for Kurt. She couldn't travel back in time and find a way to undo what Blaine had done. But she could work to stop other children from becoming what Blaine became.
"Has he talked about his plans for the future?" she asks. "What he wants to do after high school?"
"Career wise he's undecided," Kurt mumbles, "but I think he's planning on going into whatever his dad does. Finance? Business? I don't know. I know he deals in real estate."
"And does Sebastian want you to be a part of those plans?"
"He says he does."
"But you don't want to be."
"I … I didn't say that."
"Could you see yourself going with him? Could you see yourself being happy in New York?"
"I … I don't … yes?"
"So what's the issue?"
"It's just … I can't … it's impossible, alright!?" He runs a frustrated hand down his face and keeps it there, hiding behind it. He thought talking to Marley would clear things up, but it's just backed him in a corner. A corner of his own creation. "It's too complicated."
Marley plants both hands on the table and pushes herself to her feet. She walks over to his chair and takes a seat on his leg. Kurt scoots upright immediately and rests his forehead on her shoulder. He wraps his arms around her waist and hugs her tight.
"I don't know what's right anymore, Marls. Okay? When I'm around him, I think that this is the way things are supposed to be. This is what happy feels like. But Sebastian? He hasn't even had a chance to make half the mistakes I have. I don't want to be one. I don't want to turn out … to be poison for him. Do you understand?"
"Yeah. I understand." Marley hates seeing Kurt like this. She thought telling him Sebastian loved him would make things better. Every time they talk, Kurt never sounds sure. It seemed like not knowing was the thing holding him back, but it's not.
It's him.
Kurt.
He's standing in his own way.
And it breaks her heart, the same way it broke her heart to see Kurt walk into her office that first afternoon years ago. He sat the exact same way in her leather office chair, as if the weight of his life was too much for him to bear.
"But think about it, Kurt," she whispers into his hair. "I know that you have your club, and that it's making a name for itself. I know you have your father, but he loves and supports you. He wants you to succeed and be happy, even if that takes you away from him. There's something better for you than Ohio. You know it, I know it …" She gestures down the hall towards Kurt's bedroom "… and he knows it." Kurt peeks up at her, his eyes shimmering in the dim light. "We all have faith for you, Kurt. Now you need to have faith for yourself."