Chapter 1: Prologue

Choices

Jack frantically ripped one of the drawers out of his desk and threw the contents onto his bed, sifting so aggressively with his hands that safety pins and pens and batteries flung in all directions. 'I put it there. I know I did.' He thought to himself. He grabbed at what appeared to be the folded-up piece of paper that he was looking for, but it was only some scribbled notes for a recipe. He slammed his fist down on the bed in frustration and ran into the living room to locate the phone book.

There were many moments during those last few months that Jack could have chosen to say something. Something that would change the course of his life. Of their lives. He could have said something when the Phillip had first walked into that office and he saw Janet pause. It was subtle, but he noted the change in her demeanor when she first laid her eyes on him.

He might have turned Phillip away the moment he showed up at their apartment. When Vicky arrived, quite literally out of the air, he might have instead brushed her off as an unwelcome distraction instead of a welcome one. When he found out Janet was engaged, he could have chosen not to hold back his feelings, to let what was on his mind spill from his mouth and not worry that every word would be a fatal blow to whatever it was that they had become.

The problem was that it had all happened so fast. For over seven years he simply assumed that he'd had all the time in the world. He never actually allowed himself to believe that she'd actually leave one day. And it had worked. He was completely and utterly convinced. And then, of course, the façade shattered in an instant. He had worked so hard to craft it over weeks and months and years. A glass of cold water to the face, in the form of Janet's engagement to Phillip, reminded him of the fragility of their relationship.

Luckily no one was home – Janet and Terri had both left for work – or they'd have heard him swearing over the paper cut he gave himself as he roughly sifted through the yellow pages. Pratt. Prendergast. Prentice.

Prescott.

He ripped the page out of the book and picked up the phone. He had nothing to lose but his pride and even that had already flown straight out the window. What else could he do? What else did he have to lose besides everything?

Luckily Dr. Prescott had had a cancelation and was able to get him in later that day (Jack's begging and pleading may also have had something to do with it). It was a new office in a nicer part of town. He knew Prescott had probably considerably jacked his price in the last four years, but he was desperate. He had gone to therapy exactly twice in his life and both of those times had been with this man. Who else could he trust to take on...this?

"Come in." The voice called from the other side of the office door when Jack arrived.

He took in a deep breath and exhaled, then he opened the door to a spacious, sunny office with a view of the city below.

"Have a seat."

Jack hesitated.

Dr. Prescott looked up. He had lost the afro and was slightly grayer around the edges, but for the most part he looked the same. He chuckled when he noticed Jack remembering their little back and forth from his first visit. "By all means, Mr. Tripper, you're welcome to sit or stand. It makes no difference to me one way or the other."

Jack nodded and sauntered over to the chair, feigning a casual air. "I'm going to sit. Because I want to."

"Ah, good for you. It's clear you've retained what I've taught you."

Jack immediately put his head in his hands. "No I haven't."

"And why's that?"

Jack let his hands pull on his face as he looked back up. "There's a woman. Well...there are two women."

"Yes, I remember. You live with two girls."

"No. That's not - I mean I do...but it's only one of them. And someone else. You don't know her. I don't really know her either. I'm not really sure what's happening. I just know it's all happening way too fast," Jack blurted.

Dr. Prescott stared at him judgmentally. "Slow down, Mr. Tripper. Remember we're an elephant. Not a cheetah."

Jack ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I'm in love."

"And you're here because that's a problem?"

"Yes!"

"Why is it a problem?"

"Because she's getting married!"

"To you, presumably?"

"No, to someone else!"

"The new girl?"

"Janet!"

"Who?"

"My roommate!"

"You're in love with your roommate?"

"Yes!"

"And then there's also a second woman."

"Right."

"And she's marrying the roommate?!"

"What?! No!"

Jack was worked up by this point, but Dr. Prescott had walked over toward him. Knowing this man, perhaps the back and forth was all a part of his game. "Alright, Mr. Tripper. Mr. Tripper?"

Jack was breathing heavily.

"Mr. Tripper, breath slowly." Jack begrudgingly slowed his breathing in response. "In and out, that's it." Clearly we have some sort of tangled situation that needs to be pulled apart and sorted out. Let's take it from the top, shall we?"

Jack attempted a few more breaths in and out before speaking. "You remember Janet?"

"She was 'Miss Perfect,' if I recall correctly."

Jack nodded and let out a breathy laugh at the memory. "Yeah, that's the one." He paused for a moment. "She's getting married. I thought I had more time."

"More time to tell her how you feel about her?"

Jack just stared ahead in response, which Dr. Prescott took as a yes. "I don't know what to do."

Dr. Prescott shifted from his position leaning against the front of his desk where he'd settled. "Have you ever tried to tell her before?"

It was Jack's turn to get up. He walked over to the window and rested his head against it, looking out over the streets below. "There were so many times where I wanted to." He paused. "A few times where I think I almost did." Another pause. "Lately I had this feeling I couldn't shake that things were changing. Like it was all becoming more urgent somehow, but I didn't know why. Maybe I'm, like, psychic or something."

"And, like, what did you see? In your premonition?"

Jack looked over at Dr. Prescott and grimaced. "I'm serious! She was acting so – there were so many times I could've done something. Could've said something."

"What's one example?"

He sighed and thought for a moment. "I'll give you four."

Incident number 1: The meeting

I could've said something when her fiancé Phillip walked into the lawyer's office and I saw the way Janet paused. When she saw him.

"Come on Janet, you know what the family must think about you being named in the will," I said, like an idiot.

"No, what?"

"Well, this Mr. Davis was an old and lonely guy and here you are young and attractive..."

She was offended that I would even suggest it. "Oh, Jack! You are the only person who would think a thing like that!"

"Janet..."

"You are the only one!"

That's when he walked in. I saw the change in her demeanor and alarm bells went off in my head. They shouted a warning at me, and I just told them to shut up. Just told them to go away. Like I always did.

"Oh hello," Phillip said. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Phillip Dawson."

She was swooning. I was sick to my stomach. "Hi I'm Janet Wood." Over this guy. This complete nerd.

"Oh, you're the one from the flower shop?" he asked.

"Uh huh," she replied.

"You're the one that Uncle Warren was..."

And I could smell it on him. This smarmy, cocky attitude. And I just let him assume that about her. Because I had been pushing the same stupid angle.

"Yes, yes, uh huh! He used to come and see me just about every day! Until..."

"Until his heart gave out. Excuse me," Phillip said and walked away. The implication of what he thought of her and his uncle hung heavy in the air. I hated him immediately, but I just told her to ignore him. If we just ignored him, he'd go away.

"Jack, he thinks that – "

"No, no, no, let's sit down. Let's just sit down. Forget about him, Janet. Shine them on. Just sit down," I said, hurrying her along. Forget him. Forget him!

I walked over to an attractive woman that was there. Because that's the sort of thing I always do. Forget him. Forget it all. And that's when I really leaned into making it all about the money. I needed somewhere to put this anxious energy I was quickly developing and in my mind that was the thing that made the most sense.

"What's it worth?" I asked about the vase once I'd learned Phillip was an art dealer.

"Jack!"

"Nothing," he replied.

"Nothing?" I said, ignoring her.

"Well maybe 20, 25 dollars. I hope you're not too disappointed."

Janet said she wasn't, so I asked about the box. The stupid box!

"Jack!" Janet stopped me. "Look, um, your uncle hardly knew me. He didn't have to leave me anything. I'm rather touched that he thought of me at all." I couldn't help but feel something for her in that moment. No matter how much of a jerk I'm being, it never fails to amaze me just how kind and warm she can be. Somehow it always snaps me right back to earth.

But that's also when I noticed Phillip's demeanor change. I saw the heart hearts forming. More alarm bells went off. Those are my heart eyes!

When we finally got up to leave, I grabbed the hanky that I'd unintentionally loaned to another unsavory guest. "This has cost us enough already," I said, picking it up. But I wasn't talking about the hanky or the vase.

Jack had backed away from the window as he finished his story and looked over at Dr. Prescott.

"And what did you say to her after that?"

Jack bit the inside of his lip and shrugged. "Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"What could I have said? That I didn't like the way she looked at that guy?" Jack gestured, throwing his hands out in frustration. "That-that I didn't like the way he looked at her? Besides, it's not like I had any idea what was going to happen next."

"Which was?"

"He came to the apartment. To ask her out. Can you believe the nerve of that guy?" He began to pace.

"Sounds like he's a subscriber to the BARK philosophy, Jack." Dr. Prescott pushed himself up out of his chair and puffed out his chest.

"Oh god, please don't..." Jack groaned.

"Say them with me, Jack."

"No pl- "

"Be somebody. Jack?" He pointed at him.

"Act like somebody. React like somebody," Jack mumbled under his breath.

"And?"

"Kollect your rewards," Jack said through gritted teeth.

"Which is, I assume, what Phillip did and not you," said Dr. Prescott with an attitude of self-importance.

Jack stood up out of his chair, angry. "Are you here to help me or not?"

Dr. Prescott chuckled and urged Jack back down into his chair, "Yes, Mr. Tripper. Of course. Continue on with your story."

Jack relaxed his jaw slightly "So later that day this guy shows up at the apartment with roses. Like a complete jerk."

Incident number 2: He asks her out

"I hope you can forgive me for being so rude to you," he said. Jerkily.

"Oh, that's alright," Janet replied, swooning. Over roses! Like she doesn't see roses every day of her life!

"No, no, no it's not. It's not. You see, some of my relatives said certain things that led me to believe that...you and my uncle were..."

"Getting it on?" I interjected. I was being a rude smart ass completely on purpose.

"Jack!" Janet squealed in anger.

Phillip just completely ignored me. Like I wasn't even there. How did he know Janet and I weren't a thing? He had no clue! "But when I saw how you acted when you got that vase, I just had to come over here and apologize."

This is when the alarm bells went off for me again. "Wait a minute, you came all the way over here just to do that?" I couldn't help but ask. Did he like her that much?

I was trying to process everything at a mile a minute when my other roommate, Terri, interjected to flirt with this jackass (who clearly has a thing for Janet!) It was absolutely no help at all. Phillip still asked Janet out to lunch, which is my and Janet's thing. Everyone knows lunch is OUR thing! It always has been!

So, barely before he can finish asking her, I jumped in to cut them off. "She's busy!"

"No I'm not," Janet answered.

I backed off and tried to reassess what I was going to do. She couldn't go out with this guy.

"I know this great little place where none of my relatives ever go."

"Janet, Janet, Janet..." I attempted to cut in. Luckily my landlord barged in at that moment to complain about parking or something stupid. Once he left, I asked her how she could fall for this guy's phony charm.

"Phony charm?!" Terri asked, clueless about the morning's events.

"Well it wasn't there this morning!" I exclaimed.

"And he apologized for that!" Janet retorted.

"Oh, apologies are cheap, Janet, can't you see he's only after one thing!"

"Jack!" she yelled at me, assuming I meant her body.

"No, not that! Something valuable!" I lied. I meant her. All of her. Then she punched me in the arm, which I probably deserved. "I'm talking about the vase!" I lied. Again.

"Why would he want the vase?!" Terri asked.

"Because it's worth a fortune!" The scheme continued to brew inside me. Make it about the vase. Make it about the money. How else could I explain how I was acting?

I spent the rest of the day trying to convince her that his behavior toward her couldn't possibly really be about her. I was awful. I put her down. I told her that he couldn't have feelings for her because she has to grow on people first. All in some pathetic attempt to keep her without actually telling her why. I told Terri I didn't want to let her out of my sight. I forced them to have their stupid date right there in the apartment with me chaperoning them like a complete fool.

But then I convinced her. I told her we needed to talk. I was so close that time. The whole thing almost worked...

"And did you talk?" Dr. Prescott asked Jack.

He shook his head no. "It all fell apart. Janet realized I had been wrong about Phillip. He really was there for her, not some stupid vase."

"Why didn't you tell her the truth about how you were acting?" Dr. Prescott inquired.

Jack mulled the question over for a moment. The defeat was evident on his face. "I couldn't. I just...couldn't do it."

"Was there something specific holding you back?"

Jack thought for a moment. He never really did articulate to himself exactly what it was. Fear of the unknown? Fear she wouldn't feel the same way? Fear of some arbitrary 'rule' he had never been afraid to break in jest?

He ignored the question. "So...then I met someone."

Incident number 3: The other meeting

"Sir? Sir? Are you alright?" Vicky asked me when she noticed how extremely petrified I was on that plane.

"Me? Yeah sure, sure I-I'm alright. I'm fine. I-I'm fine." I was not fine. In more ways than one.

She began to walk off and I grabbed her "Don't leave me!" I yelled. At her, I think, but maybe I was talking to the universe, begging and pleading for someone I loved to stay. I don't think it was really for her, but I asked her out anyway. By that night I decided I was in love.

When she told me she was seeing someone else I got angry and threw a fit. I even made a stink about it for Janet and her fiance's little celebration the next day.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jack let me cut you off for a second," Dr. Prescott stopped him.

"But I didn't tell you about –"

"You said the next day?"

"Did I?" Jack replied self-consciously.

"You're telling me...that you were throwing a fit about Vicky having a date with a man she had presumably met before she'd even known you and you're so angry about it that you ruin Janet's celebration the next day?"

Jack sunk in his chair, suddenly feeling completely embarrassed. "Well when you put it like that..."

Dr. Prescott pointed at the door. "Get out of my office."

"I – I beg your pardon? I..." Jack stammered.

"The next day?"

"I – "

"What is this all really about, Jack?" Dr Prescott asked incredulously.

"I don't – I don't kn-"

"Are you in love with Janet? Or are you in love with Vicky?"

"I told you I –"

"Or is it that you are trying to fill a hole that has been unexpectedly ripped open with an entirely different person so that you don't have to face reality?"

Jack shrugged awkwardly. "I haven't even told you about incident number four..."

"It doesn't matter. I think I have a pretty clear idea about what's going on here. It's really not necess - "

Incident number 4: Janet tells me she's engaged

I was just about to tell Janet and Terri about Vicky but she managed to share her exciting news with me first. I pretended to be happy for her. It didn't dawn on me that it was really happening until she mentioned that her and Phillip were looking for a new place to live. She really was going to be gone forever. And I couldn't hold it in anymore I just...kind of broke down.

"When you said you're looking for a place to live it just...hit me. No more Janet," I said, my words fragmented.

"Oh, come on. I'm not moving to another planet. I'm gonna be living right here in the very same city," she said in her usual warm, reassuring tone.

"Yeah, but you won't be here, see, and I'm...kind of...used to you." It was all I could think of to say. Used to her? I need her. But my mouth wouldn't allow me to say it.

She told me that she could come over every night to teach her how to cook but I...I knew. I laughed it off, but I knew. It wasn't going to be like that.

"You're gonna be the happiest girl in the world," I assured her. Maybe I was assuring myself. If I could tell myself she was better off with this guy, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. But it was so hard.

I told her to make a pact with me: 'no more tears.' And she did.

Dr. Prescott handed Jack a tissue, who took it in dramatic fashion and blew into it with equal intensity before dabbing his eyes.

"And how's that pact working out for you?"

"Not so good!" Jack cried.

Dr. Prescott sighed. He'd seen a lot of stubborn cases in his time, but Jack really took the cake. "Jack let me ask you one more time. And think on this for a moment. What do you think this is really about? Why are you here?"

Jack threw the tissue and grabbed another one. He didn't have an exact answer. He certainly didn't want to put in any work to figure it out. He just...wanted someone to wave a wand and make this all go away.

"I just want to go back to the way things were," he admitted.

"But you know you can't do that."

Jack stared off for a moment before answering. "Yeah."

"And therefore, the only thing you can work with now is the present."

Jack huffed. "You sound like a shrink."

"I am a shrink."

"I knew that." Janet scoffed.

"Let me ask you this, Mr. Tripper. And I believe you've already answered this question. Are you in love with her?"

"I..."

"It's a simple yes or no, Jack. Are you in love with her?"

Jack whispered the quietest, most subtle 'yes.'

"What's that? I didn't hear you."

"I said yes."

Dr. Prescott raised his forefinger. "Ah-ah! What did we learn about asserting ourselves?"

Jack's voice grew louder. "Yes!"

Dr. Prescott gently grabbed Jack by the arm and lifted him up out of his chair. "WITH FEELING I KNOW YOU HAVE IT IN YOU, JACK!"

"YESSS!" Jack yelled so loudly that the people in the neighboring offices could hear him as he followed Dr. Prescott to the door.

Dr. Prescott opened the door. "Then go out there and tell her!"

Jack made a move for exit. "I'm gonna go out there and – what?" He stopped himself.

"It's now or never, isn't it?"

"Well yeah but I can't just..."

"Why not, Jack?"

"Because I..." Jack slowly made his way toward the chair and slumped down, remembering the defeated feeling that had been following him around all week. "Because if I do then she might get mad and then she'd hate me for the rest of her life."

"Ah. And there it is. You're afraid of the consequences of the choices you might make. But what about the other way around, Jack? What about the consequences of the choices you don't make?"

Jack took in his words but didn't respond. He'd never thought of it that way.

"Life is all about choices, Jack. We can't take them back once we've made them, but as long as we're alive we can continue to make new ones. What they are is up to you."

Jack nibbled on his thumb. "There's one more thing that I didn't mention."

Dr. Prescott was clearly ready for this session to be over with, but he gestured for Jack to continue.

"She thinks I'm in love with Vicky. She thinks...she told me that I was in love. I was ranting and raving about Vicky and she had no clue that it was really all about her. And I – " he stopped, finding it difficult to utter the next words. "I think she's just...ready to move on. I think...she just doesn't need me anymore."

After wrapping things up, and assurances for Jack to trust his own judgement, Jack left the office. His mind ran over a mix of Dr. Prescott's words and his own fears – the consequences of the choices he made or didn't make. If he were to do something, it was now or never. And yet he couldn't help but feel as though it was already too late.

It was months later before incident number five.

Jack sulked for much of the morning of Janet's wedding. He'd convinced Vicky to follow her dreams or some other such nonsense. Like with the vase, it was easy to play his feelings off as being all about Vicky. She was the perfect cover. The perfect excuse. No one would be the wiser.

Because the truth was, he still hadn't been able to convince himself to say anything to Janet or to anyone about how he was feeling. He simply couldn't shake the feeling that Janet was happy and he wasn't going to be the one to ruin that for her.

The decorations were up. He'd absentmindedly hung pink, frilly streamers under the direction of Terri. Terri, who was usually able to call anyone out on their bullshit but who seemed well beyond her limits at this point. Maybe she knew. Maybe she didn't. Either way, she played along and called Jack out on him moping over "some girl."

"This is Janet's wedding day!" She scolded Jack.

"You're right," he relented. He couldn't possibly tell himself he was doing this all for Janet and then proceed to ruin everything for her at the same time. "On a day as important as this, I'm not gonna let some girl make me miserable. I'm in pain." The hammer he was holding, and gesturing with, hit him right in the chest. And it may as well have.

It was only a few hours later that Janet's wedding began. He gave the organist directions about cues as his mind ran a mile a minute. He figured if he couldn't control what was happening, he could at least control the small details.

But he couldn't help but let his mind wander a little bit. He gives the woman the signal. The organ begins...

...he pulls Janet toward him. He begs her not to marry that man, not to leave. He tells her with everything that he has inside him that he loves her and that the two of them spending the rest of their lives together is the only thing that makes sense and the only thing that has ever made sense.

Instead, he found himself arm in arm with her, walking down a makeshift aisle in their little apartment, a woman he barely knows in the last row, and a man Janet barely knows standing before them. He kissed her hand and took a step back. Because somewhere in between those cues and his thoughts, Janet had assured Jack that she was happy. And Vicky had assured Jack that she was willing to give things a real try. And none of it made any sense. And he had convinced himself that nothing would make sense ever again.

The priest – some guy they'd found in the same yellow pages he'd torn up not too long ago – began his speech, but Jack didn't hear a single word. Later he would recall snapshots of the people around him: an expression on Mr. Furley's face that he'd never seen before; Terri, smiling at him through tears; the profile of Janet's face as she focused on the priest but not on Phillip. He saw her heavy breathing, panting for air like a fish out of water. Was she really, actually happy? Was it wishful thinking?

"Do you, Phillip, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love honor and cherish, for richer or poorer, so long as you both shall live?"

It was then when he felt the words building up in his chest and moving up through his throat, to his tongue.

"I do."

He jerked his chin up, as if a bolt of electricity were coursing through his body.

"And do you, Janet, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love honor and cherish, for richer or poorer, so long as you shall live?"

He took in a breath and parted his lips.

"I do."

He let out a sigh, and the words died on his breath.

There were many moments during those last few months that Jack could have chosen to say something. Something that would change the course of his life. Of their lives. But he didn't.

It would be years before he was finally forced to face the question that would linger in the back of his mind:

What if he had?