"It's… bad timing," Meredith's fingers rake down her face in defeat. Red rims the whites of her eyes. The pools of green he fell in love with ten plus years ago are now a stormy gray. When Derek sees Meredith in this moment she isn't the strong willed surgeon loving her life as an independent woman. Her shoulders sag, alluding that she's exhausted but more mentally exhausted if anything.

His stomach lurches because he has unknowingly fucked up her life, again. Yes, the sex was always consensual but it came at a time before she wanted to leave him. Before she knew about the brunette he kissed back in D.C, the final nail in their crumbling relationship's coffin.

"Meredith, I can't live without you," he whispered, tears flowing.

"I can live without you," she replied stoically. He couldn't read her at that moment because she wore a mask that was excellent at shielding any real emotion she could display. "And I think I need to."

They've spent the last two months navigating life apart. Living in the same house doesn't make their situation ideal. They're both at a crossroads over who should stay and who should go. While it was never a question in Derek's mind to pack his things, Meredith made it clear this land was his and always would be. The trailer was out of the question considering Owen was still occupying it. For now, they agreed living cordially together would be best for all parties until living arrangements were finalized.

They don't sleep together. Meredith occupies the main bedroom and he takes the couch. His back is crying uncle most nights. Majority of their interactions revolve around their children and anything beyond that spirals into a fight. They do their best to dance around one another to avoid tension in front of the kids. It was the single promise they came to an agreement on when separating became a very real thing.

And when she came to him just twenty minutes ago, a river of tears streaming down her face, the last thing he wanted to do was fight with her. The only instinct he had was to reach for her and hold her till whatever ate at her dissipated. He restrained himself as the nagging voice in his head warned him not to. Respect her boundaries.

He watches Meredith curl into herself. She appears so frail on the lip of the bathtub. There's about ten or so pregnancy tests lined up on the counter and every single one is a flashing reminder that the universe is against them. The thought of Meredith pregnant a year ago would have been the most perfect news he could have asked for. Especially when it came to her fertility issues. Having Bailey seemed far fetched but Meredith carrying another baby was just downright impossible. Except the stupid plastic tests were practically laughing at him with their plus signs and capital PREGNANT.

"I know," he finally breathes. His fingers curl around the bathroom counter.

"This is supposed to be impossible. I-I have a hostile uterus. Bailey was just a fluke, he had to be," she whispers. She doesn't meet his gaze, instead keeps her focus at his socked feet. Looking him in the eye makes it too real. He knows her.

In all fairness, they weren't careful or truly preventing this. They were married, of course they weren't using condoms. Meredith was definitely on birth control but between being a mother and surgeon, remembering to swallow a little pill at the end of everyday wasn't as easy as it sounds.

For a while they were making love without any form of contraception because they became okay with the idea Meredith wouldn't be able to carry a baby of their own. Then Bailey became a reality.

The worst part was that Derek couldn't even remember the last time they were carnal with one another. The last six months had become such an awful blur he swore his mind was purposely blacking it out. Any time they were having sex it was full of anger or they were both so fed up with arguing that the bedroom was the only way they knew how to communicate peacefully.

"Meredith, you carried a full term pregnancy. It makes sense that your body has changed because of that."

"Of course, because you know absolutely everything about a woman's body," she snarks back.

Derek can't help but roll his eyes. "That's not what- you're pregnant. That is the current situation we have to overcome."

She falls silent to that and the spark that seemed to have overcome her drains before his eyes. "I don't remember the last time we had sex," her voice soft. "We made a baby and I have no idea when it was conceived. And even worse I can't be happy about it because we aren't together."

Reality is a brutal thing. The giant elephant in the room is brought to light in screaming color. She's carrying his child but they aren't together. They sleep under the same roof. They share the same food and the same toiletries but they aren't doing it together.

"I don't want this baby to come into this world feeling unwanted. Ellis Grey was my mother. She made it known every single day that I was the biggest hindrance in her life. I refuse to let that happen to any child of mine," she whispers. There's anxiety in her tone and fear from what he gathers.

"No child of ours will ever be unloved, Meredith."

"How can you say that when we don't even love each other?"

Meredith's comment nearly knocks the wind out of him. She might've already made up her mind about her feelings toward him but Derek doesn't ever foresee a future where he doesn't love Meredith Grey. If life were fair they would be doing everything in their power to make their marriage work. The person he was five years ago would have fought tooth and nail. He's gotten tired though. It's difficult reaching for something that isn't there.

He ignores her comment. "Whatever you want to do with this baby is what we will do, Mer. I won't sit back and say I don't want this child but this is a two way street," he replies. Derek drops to his knees. The harsh chill from the bathroom tiles seeps through his jeans and he clacks his teeth together at the feeling. He reaches for her hand. Her skin is so cold in the cradle of his palm.

"Don't do this," Meredith whispers through tears.

"Do what?"

She still won't look him in the eye. Meredith is an excellent avoider.

"Don't be McDreamy. Don't hold my hand and whisper my name quietly under your breath. It messes with my head and it makes my insides all hot and gooey. Stop."

But he doesn't let go because he knows her. He knows her the way he knows every page of his favorite novel. He knows her how he knows the inside of a brain. He just knows her. "I know you hate me, I'm not an idiot. But you don't have to sit with this news alone. This isn't the end of the world. We've survived worse. We have dealt worse. I'm here."

He hates that there have been times he wasn't there. D.C comes to mind and his stomach stirs all over again. She doesn't trust him anymore and he can't particularly blame her for it. Just when Meredith was learning to pull back the curtain he broke her trust with the most idiotic thing he could have done.

"You hurt me," she says. Her lip quivers in a way that tells him she doesn't want to cry. "We made vows to never break each other's trust. I can't trust you, Derek. And every time I think about you all I can think of is you touching that woman."

"I know," he gulps.

"But that's just it, you don't know," suddenly she's up and off the tub. "You only want what's shiny and new. She's the doe eyed intern worshiping the ground you walk on and you crave it. You always have."

"You don't even know the entire story," Derek growls.

Meredith chuckles bitterly. She crosses her arms defensively. She's openly making eye contact now. The gray clouds in her eyes earlier are storming now. "You told me everything I needed to know! Pushing her off of you and getting a flight back to Seattle doesn't make any of this better."

"I never felt a single attraction toward her because it was never even a thought in my mind. She came onto me," he argues. Derek feels a sudden tightness transforming behind his ribs. "I never picked up on the fact she was flirting with me or saw me in any way other than professional."

A beat of silence flows between them.

"Would you have come back?"

"What?"

Meredith breathes slowly into the air surrounding them. She's clearly exhausted by this conversation. "If she hadn't kissed you, would you have realized the kids and I were more important than your job?"

Derek's lack of response brims the silence in a screaming blur. "Knowing you kissed someone else is a knife to my back, Derek. Not knowing if you felt I was enough to drop everything is like a knife to my heart," she says. "I don't know if I can move past this. We separated for a reason and a baby can't be the reason to get back together." Meredith wipes at her eyes.

They don't speak for a long time. Just the sound of their breathing and wind whipping outside the window radiate between them. Meredith pulls her darker hair behind her ears, dissolves a heavy breath, and finally leaves Derek in his solitude without another word.


Meredith's eyes sting. Her throat is raw and there's bile burning on her tongue. She got lucky with Bailey. Little to no morning sickness. This baby is hellbent on torturing her relentlessly. They shouldn't call it morning sickness if she's puking all day. Everything nauseates her. So much that she can barely operate without the need to blow chunks into someone's open bowel.

Different things seem to trigger her, today coffee grounds are the culprit and the kitchen sink was the closest thing she could find before retching. It doesn't register that her hair is out of her face until she's coughing up nothing but mucus. A soothing hand strokes her spine from top to bottom. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to guess who's behind her.

"I'm fine," Meredith finally heaves. The hand on her back retracts almost immediately. She secretly hates the rejection. Glasses clink and water rushes from the dispenser in the fridge.

"Drink this," Derek murmurs.

She doesn't respond but she also doesn't deny his request. "I don't need you to be my knight in shining whatever," she grumbles into her glass. "I thought you had a surgery scheduled this morning?" Meredith asks in an attempt to sway the topic.

They've neglected one another throughout the last week since Meredith found out she was pregnant. He texted her late the night before insisting he could drop the kids off at school and daycare because of an early operation. It's her day off and with how unrelenting this pregnancy has been so far she doesn't have the strength to argue with him about it.

Derek's back is toward her. He's rummaging through the fridge as he answers, "I did but it got pushed and Amy said she could take over for me."

"And you let her?" She snorts at the revelation.

Since Amelia has taken over Derek's former job there's been a bit of frustration between the two. Meredith can't deny the tinge of satisfaction she felt when Derek was denied his position back after returning from D.C. Amelia was handling the department flawlessly in his absence and it didn't make sense to strip her of the title. They butt heads regularly over cases and patients, their blood relation only heightening the tension. It definitely raises eyebrows for Meredith though that he willingly let his sister take over a surgery he was scheduled for.

"It was a basic procedure. It's not worth the argument anymore, Meredith," Derek sighs.

Meredith crinkles her nose. It suddenly registers that he's still wearing a pair of navy scrubs, he hadn't even stopped to change before heading back home. "Are you home for the rest of the day?" she asks.

"I can leave if that's what you want me to do," he replies. His tone is curt and she can feel his annoyance almost vibrating against her skin. She's ready to swing back with a remark of her own. Although, as she looks up to find his eyes, she can physically placate the defeat swimming in circles around his irises.

He's hurting too. Regardless of her feelings toward him there's not a chance any of this has been a picnic for him. When she truly gets a good look at him for the first time in months, he's different than she remembers. It's not the dark circles underneath his eyes or the paleness of his skin that concerns her. There's something deeply unsettling stirring inside him that anyone else wouldn't place. But she knows him. She knows him the way she knows the back of her hand.

Derek doesn't let his demons out of the locked trunk inside his brain often. He's better at taming the twisted emotions he feels than she is. A lot of his emotion is disguised by anger rather than what he's genuinely feeling.

"I don't want you to leave," she counters. "This is your house too, I shouldn't be the one to dictate whether you're allowed to be here or not." Meredith fiddles with her fingers mindlessly.

Derek heaves a sigh. His right hand slips down his face. "I don't know how to make this better. I can't keep doing this with you, I feel like a yo-yo. One minute I think we might be making progress and the next you ice me out completely."

Meredith has to hold herself back from flinching. His words are a crushing weight on her chest. No matter how she feels about Derek or the current status of their relationship, he isn't wrong either. Reality has always been a hard one for Meredith Grey. Before Derek it was easy to pretend the scary parts of life didn't exist. As long as she was wasted off tequila it never mattered if life was bullshit. She can't ignore this though.

"I don't either," Meredith finally sighs, completely defeated. They stand inches away from one another but she couldn't feel any further than she does now.

"I um," Derek clears his throat. "I have to go back to D.C. at some point to get the rest of my stuff out of the apartment. I've been paying rent on a place I absolutely hate because I've been dreading going back. Maybe space is what we need."

Meredith picks at her fingers nervously. "You're going back?" She finds herself whispering. The lump inside her throat expands. The weight on her chest presses against her ribcage, threatening to bear down against her heart.

"I don't want to. I would have my things sent down if I could. I never want to go back there," he sighs.

"I don't know if space is going to fix our problems. I'm pregnant, Derek. The elephant in the room is unavoidable."

"Do you want to keep the baby?" He asks bluntly, shifting their conversation from his abandoned apartment. He crosses his arms protectively across his chest. His head tilts slightly.

He's stepped closer into her proximity too. She can faintly smell the scent of his aftershave. It's woodsy and fresh. Her nose tickles.

Meredith pulls at her bottom lip with her teeth. She doesn't respond immediately. "I don't think I have it in me to let this baby go," she finally croaks. Emotion swells in her tone. "We… tried so hard to have a baby. And Bailey came along and I felt like maybe the universe wasn't smacking me down for once. I don't know how on earth we'll make this work but I can't do it."

He nods and there is silence between them for a few passing beats. If they were together she imagines Derek pulling her into his warm arms and kissing her forehead soothingly. He would stroke her back and tell her everything would be okay somehow. And she would believe that it would.

"Okay then, it's settled," he says.

"Okay," she parrots.

And for the first time in a long time Meredith breathes a little easier.


It's late when Derek finds Meredith standing shyly by the threshold of his office.

He feels a bit cross eyed looking through scans Amelia offered him earlier. An insanely large tumor pressing against the temporal lobe of a fourteen year old girl. She's a gymnast, the best in her age division, at least that's what Amelia told him. If he resects the tumor she could die and if he does nothing she will die. These are the cases that hit him the hardest. Any logical surgeon would simply deny the removal and suggest radiation in hopes of shrinking a tumor of this proportion. But he's Derek freaking Shepherd and his aching need to prove he is able to save people's lives persists annoyingly.

"Hey," Meredith interrupts his internal struggle and trots into the space.

"Hey," he replies.

Things have been somewhat better since their talk in the kitchen two weeks before. The baby topic is still a bit of a rough one but not so much anymore that they don't mention it at all. Meredith is nearing eleven weeks, she asked him if he wanted to come with her to her scan to hear the baby's heartbeat. Of course he accepted her offer regardless of their strange relationship status. Yes, they are still separated but neither of them have made any moves to legally part ways. He's silently been waiting for Meredith to make the first move.

But regardless he does find it strange she's in his office now. "What are you looking at?" She asks. Meredith may specialize in general surgery but he knows there is always that interest somewhere deep down in neuro.

"Oh, just these scans Amy asked me to take a look at earlier. A fourteen year old girl has a tumor the size of a pickle bearing down on her temporal lobe. She wanted my opinion on whether or not I think it's inoperable."

"You think every tumor is operable," she snorts.

Derek chuckles. "I'm a tumor junkie you know."

"Yeah the giant tumor hanging in our bedroom is a pretty big indication of that," she says.

Derek feels a sudden pang in his chest at the mention of 'their' bedroom. It hasn't been their room in a long time. It's more her room now than anything. "Yeah," he sighs quietly. "She's just a child, Meredith. It makes me think about our own kids and I just feel sick to my stomach. Cases with children have always been hard but ever since Zola came along they've been that much harder."

Meredith settles her palm protectively against her lower belly and Derek fights the urge to smile. "It never gets easier," she swallows.

"It really doesn't," he agrees softly. His chair creaks as he leans backwards. The scans lay forgotten on his desk. Derek doesn't know why Meredith is in his office but he makes no effort to pry. The amicable silence between them is rather nice. He doesn't want to start a war with her, he's waving the white flag.

"Um," Meredith squeaks after a few minutes. "I came here to ask you something," she nervously pulls at her scrub top.

"Okay," he says calmly.

"Are you still going back to D.C. this weekend?"

Derek nods. She knows the answer to her own question, he confirmed the details with her just last night over text. Ironically, she was only mere feet away in the bedroom while he uncomfortably tossed around on the couch. They do better with conversations that don't take place in person so he finds it a bit strange she's speaking to him face to face. What the hell does she have up her sleeve?

Meredith is sitting across from him now. Her palms rest flat against the wood of his desk. She's staring intensely into his eyes, a question looming in her pale green irises. "Maybe I could go with you?" she finally says.

He doesn't respond immediately. Silence is the only rebuttal for the following minutes. "Why?" Derek asks.

Meredith instantly retreats, stiffening herself in the chair. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," he backpedals. "I just don't know why you would want to come. D.C. was the demise of our marriage. Also it's rare for us to be in the same room for more than ten minutes without arguing," he chuckles awkwardly, blush crowding his cheeks.

"I think I need a distraction. The last few months have been awful and the months before that weren't too amazing either. Being in the hospital everyday surrounded by death and sadness and trauma is so much on top of what I'm already going through."

Derek sucks at his teeth. He's observing his estranged wife carefully, replaying her words inside his head. "You are an awful liar, Meredith Grey," he deadpans.

"What?" Meredith's brows cinch together at his comment.

"Not wanting to work doesn't sound like you. If anything, work is your distraction. What's really going on?"

Meredith rolls her eyes and sighs, "Okay so maybe I was told or demanded by Bailey to take the weekend off. I haven't taken a weekend in more than five months apparently. She says stress isn't good for the baby or whatever but I think she's just trying to push me out so she can get her hands on an awesome surgery!" She huffs with anger. She's actually rather adorable when she's annoyed, it's one of the many qualities that makes him love her.

Derek doesn't hold back on smiling this time. "Now that sounds more accurate to me," he chuckles. "I still don't know how having the weekend off correlates to coming with me to D.C. though, walk me through that," he says.

Meredith sags slightly. "Dr. Wyatt thinks to work toward forgiving you that I need to see your side," she says softly. "You told me a couple weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant that I didn't know the entire story. I am still so angry and hurt about not just the kiss but everything that's transpired over the last year. But we're having a baby. Another tiny little person that we made together. Our children deserve better than constant arguments and custody battles. I don't want to be my mother."

"You're seeing Dr. Wyatt?" Derek asks quietly.

Meredith nods and Derek suddenly feels a shooting pang in his heart. She's been going to therapy and he had not a clue. Granted, he lost the right to know anything about her life beyond their kids the second he kissed someone else. She wants to be whole and healed for their unborn child. It nauseates him to realize she even has to do that in the first place.

It's because of you his conscience roars. You've ruined her.

"I've been going for a while," she says sheepishly. "At first it was only because you were gone and I needed to vent to someone that wasn't your sister or Alex. Plus the entire secret sister thing was a lot to digest all at once."

"I didn't realize," and he truly hadn't.

"I know," she sighs.

"Meredith-"

"I don't need your McDreamy eyes gaping at me, making me feel like a beaten puppy. Please don't make this into something more than it is. I'm doing this for myself this time, not you, not anyone else."

The reality is that Derek doesn't see her as a woman who is seeking pity. She isn't crumbling at the seams. Meredith is standing strong and resilient before him. She's making the decision to get on with her life and to better herself so that her kids can thrive. He feels stuck in time.

In an interesting role reversal he is no longer the one waiting for her. She is no longer waiting for him. To be cognizant of that is soul crushing.

The walls inside his shoebox office start to feel suffocating. His neck is damp. He feels the beat of his heart racing. The sound of Meredith's pager dissolves their conversation entirely. An expression of relief slips down Meredith's face.

"Incoming trauma. Um, I have to go but Amelia already said she would be able to watch Zola and Bailey. We can talk more about the details tomorrow," She says hurriedly.

Derek doesn't get the chance to respond. Instead he receives his own page from Amelia, asking for an answer regarding the little girl with the tumor. He shoves his thoughts of Meredith and their baby and his fucked up life out of mind. He grabs his scans and leaves the tiny office vacant.


Meredith is really freaking nauseous. Yet no matter how many times she's tried to get her breakfast back up, nothing comes out. Derek is patiently waiting for her outside the women's restroom while she does nothing more than gag into a toilet. At some point she gives up completely because she's worried Derek might burst inside to make sure she hasn't died in the stall.

Seeing herself in the mirror comes a bit harsher than she was prepared for. The concealer she dabbed on in the morning has almost completely disappeared. She does her best to rake her fingers through her hair but ends up pulling it up into a ponytail after her hands got stuck in tangles for the third time. Upon exiting, Derek is leaning against the wall next to the restroom. He smiles gently when he notices her approaching.

"Feeling okay?" He asks.

"I'm fine, I'm just nauseous. I hate flying too, so I think that in combination with the baby hormones is just making me sick all at once," she groans in response.

Derek only murmurs, "Hmm," in response but nothing more. Normally he's a chatterbox when they're together. He used to be anyway. They trek through the entire airport without another word spoken.

He rolls both of their suitcases behind him, Meredith is secretly glad his hands are occupied. Normally, they would hold hands or link arms. Being with Derek but not being romantically with him has never worked. It's because she knows their intimate history and feelings won't allow it.

She loves him even when she hates him.

Post-it.

Right now she's sort of caught in between the two.

Derek brings her to a black Jeep outside the airport that she presumes is the rental. It's starting to drizzle while they load up their bags. Safely inside the car she feels a sudden compulsion that's been gnawing at her since he found out the president wanted him a year ago. "I want to see the lab," she blurts, hands shaking slightly as she fumbles with her seatbelt.

Derek doesn't say anything immediately and for a minute Meredith thinks he might not have heard her or is simply ignoring it all together. He pulls the wrangler into the weave of traffic carefully. It's not till they're minutes past the airport he responds to her.

"I don't want to go there," he says. His voice is… wrong. Something grim and twisted constricts behind his vocal cords.

"Why not?" She counters.

Derek's fingers tighten around the wheel. His knuckles are nearly solid white from the pressure. He switches lanes. "I don't want to ever see the place that ruined my marriage again. We're here to get the stuff out of my apartment."

Meredith wrinkles her brows together. "We're here because I need to understand why you did it. I need to know why that job was so important that you left for months and kissed someone else," she snaps back.

Derek pulls the Jeep over and turns on the hazards. Cars zip by and the rain starts to pick up, drumming against the windshield. "You told me to go. I know you're angry and you have every right to be. I know I fucked up but you aren't completely innocent. I tried to give up the job but you wouldn't let me. You never even came to D.C. You never gave up anything," he growls.

"Oh I never gave up anything? You promised to step back and be there with the children so that I could focus on work. You broke your promise and then try to make me out to be the bad guy. Don't play the martyr in this situation."

He chuckles bitterly. Suddenly Meredith feels like a complete moron for even suggesting to tag along. Maybe somewhere deep down she hoped there might be a path to reconciliation. Deny it all she may, Meredith never sees herself loving anyone the way she did Derek. Does love Derek. Now the horizon is all but gone, her hopes shattered along with it.

"If you can't move on from this Meredith then we need to be realistic about the future."

"This trip wasn't so that we could get back together, Derek. We're having another baby, I'm here so that we can co-parent without things getting ugly in the future. I'm terrified that if I don't understand why the last year and half occurred that I'll resent this child for the rest of my life," she responds firmly. Her hand instinctively moves to caress her stomach. Derek doesn't turn to look at her. He sits quietly staring through the blurry windshield.

They don't utter a single word.

"Is this how the rest of our lives are going to be?" He finally speaks. His back slumps into the seat. Defeat etches his expression. "Hating you is exhausting," he whispers, a mirror of something she uttered ages before.

"I don't know," Meredith sighs truthfully. Derek wordlessly pulls the car back onto the road.

"I need to get out," she breathes after an eternity of uncomfortable silence.

Rain beats down and cars swish past. "I'm not letting you leave in the middle of downtown traffic," he says.

Meredith shakes her head suddenly. "No, I need to get out now. Pull over."

"Meredith-"

"I have to puke, stop the car!" The brakes barely bring the vehicle to a halt before Meredith opens the passenger door and loses her breakfast all over the road. Her body shakes as she empties her stomach. She's drenched from the downpour too. Her burgundy sweater is sopping against her spine. Tears fill her ducts.

Time moves slowly. Warm, assuring hands press against her head. It's Derek that pulls her wet hair away from her face. He must've gotten out of the car at some point. He's kneeling in front of the passenger side completely drenched from the rain. "I've got you," his voice is calm. It soothes her down to the bone.

A car honks and Meredith can vaguely hear a man shouting. Likely about the two of them parked in the middle of an intersection during a rainstorm.

"My wife is pregnant!" Derek shouts back. "Fucking asshole," he mutters beneath his breath.

"I think I'm okay," she whispers. The bright side is she no longer feels nauseated to her core. On the other hand she's soaking wet and she needs a breath mint.

Derek's lips press against the top of her head. He hasn't done something so intimate since before their split. Maybe even before D.C. "There's vomit on my shoes," Derek whispers but he follows it with a snort.

"Oh my god, I'm mortified," Meredith squeaks.

"I never really liked these shoes anyways."

He stays crouched in front of her until she is certain there's nothing left to throw up. He kisses her forehead and retreats back to the driver's side after a few minutes. Meredith's teeth chatter. Derek reaches for the dial to up the heat. They're silent but this silence isn't nearly as heavy as before.

"If going to the lab and seeing the work I was doing would make you feel better, then I will take you," he says softly.

Meredith turns her head. He's dripping wet into the leather seat. She reaches to grab his arm. "I want to feel better. Hating you is exhausting," she replies. She gives his lower arm a squeeze and they quietly move through traffic.


"This is brilliant," Meredith's back is to Derek. Her fingers stroke the equipment. The NIH closes early on Friday's, normally neither of them would be able to get into the building on a regular basis. Derek still has his keycard and the work issued cellphone because he hadn't been back since everything blew up. Using the excuse of returning those items got them inside the building.

He feels weird standing in this lab with his estranged wife. A year ago he would have been so proud to bring Meredith here and show off the work he was doing. Now it just feels bone chilling to even step foot into the space. His palms are clammy to the touch. sweat gathers against his neck. Physically he isn't doing anything wrong. Everything is out in the open with Meredith and he still feels a bit like a kid with their hand stuck in the cookie jar. This environment that he once was dying to work in is now the bane of his existence.

"Yeah," he says, reaching to scratch his neck. "The work was exhilarating. I was like a kid in a candy store."

"You did all of this research by yourself?" Meredith turns to face him. There's awe sparkling in her eyes. She strides closer.

"Not alone, no. There was… help."

She stiffens slightly. They both know who he's referring to. "Does she still work here?" She asks him, folding her arms across her chest.

He sighs deeply at her question. He felt like maybe they made some sort of progress back in the car. He knew bringing her here was going to stir up feelings and thoughts neither wanted to share. He is so exhausted by everything that is brain mapping he could just pull his hair out strand by strand.

"I don't know, Meredith. Since I resigned three months ago I haven't kept up with the staff or who took my place. My only concern has been you and the kids. I don't want to think about that woman. I don't think about her. I am going to regret that moment for the rest of my life because it cost me you. I want you to find closure but I can't find closure if she's constantly brought up."

Meredith sniffles. The room is so still that time suddenly feels frozen. They are the only two people left on earth. "Why did you do it?" she asks him.

This time when the question slips from her lips he doesn't feel the angry bite that follows. She's genuinely asking him not just why he kissed that woman but why any of this happened to begin with. Their entire marriage fell apart because of one stupid mistake on his behalf.

"Because I am a fucking idiot. I'm stubborn and I get cocky about my job and what I do. I think I'm God's gift to this earth. Saving people's lives should be enough. It is enough and I took my gift for granted to pump up my ego," he says. "Kissing Renee meant nothing to me. What you and I have will never be the same as what happened with Addison. I love you so intensely that it's painful. You aren't some intern I fell in love with to fill a void in my life. I love you."

Derek reaches to hold her cheek in his palm. Her skin is cold to the touch. He half expects her to pull away but for the first time in a long time she stays in his grasp.

Hating you is exhausting.

I love you and I'm never going to stop loving you.

You're everything.

Time ticks by. He's laid everything out on the table. He loves her and he will never stop. "Thank you," she sighs softly and then she does the unthinkable, she reaches for his face and kisses him.

It doesn't register for Derek at first. He hasn't kissed her in so long that the taste of her mouth against his is nearly foreign. But she doesn't release him. Instead he relaxes his shoulders and melts into her touch. His hands reach for her hips to bring her in closer. A place that harbored such a painful memory was now being replaced by a new one. A reconciliation of sorts. They were far from healed, a mountain still ahead of them to climb.

They are sloppy and messy once they make it through Derek's apartment door. The door slams behind them but they refuse to unlink long enough to care about the neighbor complaining about it in the hallway. Derek walks her backward through the tiny living room to the back bedroom.

"Your lips are blue," he murmurs. They got rained on again during the dash from the parking lot to the building. Both are soaked and there's nothing more Derek aches to do than get her out of those clothes for more reasons than one.

She shivers in his hold. "Warm me up," she whispers against his lips.

They dance from frantic to slow. Derek pulls her clothes off like she's a present and he's insistent on saving the pretty wrapping paper. His lips start at her neck. Her skin is salty against his tongue. He guides her back to the bed and they both collapse in a heap of limbs. Derek takes his time reacquainting himself with her body. With her sweater and jeans stripped away he can visibly see the changes she's undergone since becoming pregnant. Her breasts have swollen, she can barely fit her bra without spilling out. As he scans her abdomen the tiniest of swells captures his attention. Emotion swirls all around him.

"You are so beautiful, Meredith Grey," he says and without another word spoken Derek makes love to her.

Meredith moans like she hurts but Derek knows her well enough to realize her cries are far from painful. He strips her of the black panties she was wearing. His mouth makes its way down her sternum until he's positioned right where she wants him most. He pulls her thigh up and over his shoulder to keep her hips grounded where he wants them in order to send her into the stratosphere. He opens his gift with his tongue, purring against her sensitive flesh. Meredith lets out a growl of satisfaction followed by a chorus of sighs.

Her fingers clutch fistfuls of his wet salt and pepper hair. She tugs so hard he thinks she might rip them right out of his head but it's the least of his worries. His only priority is to make Meredith feel cherished. He's missed her more than words will ever describe.

"Oh my god," she groans. He doesn't know if it's the sexual drought or the influx of hormones from the pregnancy but Meredith comes undone almost instantly. Her spine arches off the mattress. Her thigh trembles against his collarbone. Derek gently squeezes and holds her in place to keep her from flying out of orbit.

His hand finds its way to her belly. He strokes his thumb over and across her belly button while he waits for her to ride it out. Their baby is inside of there. Nestled safe and warm inside of his wife's body. He feels proud to have made another tiny human being with her. Meredith sets her hand on top of his as though she's able to read his mind.

Derek strips out of his clothes and together they fall into a rhythm. Their bodies mingle, twisting and rolling all over the bed linens. Meredith ends up on top in the end. She unclasps her black bra and tosses it somewhere across the bedroom. She is so effortlessly beautiful sitting on top of him. Her hips circle against his groin and it's difficult to keep his composure after going so long without.

"This is going to be embarrassing," he moans, stretching his neck back.

Meredith's hands wander his body in soothing motions. He mirrors her actions until his hands fall seamlessly at her hips. They fit physically and spiritually like they always have. He never had this sort of intimacy with Addison. Sex with Addison was just that, sex. With Meredith it's always been more intense. Even after the first few times of fooling around he knew he'd fallen head over heels in love with her. When they're together it's an experience like nothing else.

He's missed her so much.


Meredith is warm and safe in Derek Shepherd's loving arms. Warm water falls in a rhythmic pattern all around them. It's sometime between two and three in the morning but they're running on west coast time. A grey washcloth traces the contours of her body.

"I can shower by myself you know," Meredith smirks. The washcloth slips down from her chest to thighs, leaving a soapy trail in its path. Derek presses his lips to her shoulder and rests like that for a few passing moments.

"How would you get to those hard to reach places then?" Derek asks. Meredith's back is to his chest but she doesn't need to see his face to know he's wearing a delicious smirk.

"I can't go again, my body is crying uncle," she deadpans.

"You could just lie there like a slug," he suggests against her neck.

"You're insatiable," she says and turns in his grasp. She kisses him and the smile that follows is uncontrollable. She's happy. For the first time in so long Meredith is happy.

They kiss and he touches her intimately but nothing more. They've both silently agreed going again might kill them if they tried. "Dr. Wyatt is gonna have a field day when I tell her about my trip down here," Meredith sighs.

She half expects Derek to pull away and question why she feels the need to continue with therapy if they've silently agreed to a truce. For many years he didn't understand a lot of why she did the things she did but it wasn't completely his fault. He grew up with a family that loved him while she spent her youth eating Frosted Flakes with whatever nanny was taking care of her that week. He's gotten better at accepting the stranger parts of her mind but she worries things are still too fragile to bring up something as trivial as therapy.

"I want to come with you," he surprises her instead. There's no malice lingering in his gaze. In fact he seems the most relaxed he's been in a long time.

"I thought you hated shrinks," she wraps her arms around his waist.

Derek sighs and moves his palms to cup her face. "I want to make this work with you, Meredith Grey. I promised myself that if I was lucky enough to get you back that I would do just about anything to make it work. I made a lot of mistakes this past year. I'm willing to do the work," he says. No anger or sarcasm fills his tone. Only love and support for her and their fractured relationship.

"It wasn't just you who made mistakes. In the car when you said I pushed you, you were right. I was being stubborn because I couldn't move past the fact I was just angry. We never talked, we only accused each other of being the bad guy. I'm sorry."

Derek strokes her cheekbone softly. "I'm sorry. No job will ever be more important than what I have with you. You and our children are what mean the most. Saving lives is enough, I don't need to change the world."

Now it's Meredith's turn to reveal her own truths. "Remember when I said this trip was never about reconciling?"

Derek's answers with a "Hmm."

"I lied. I thought leaving you would be easier but it just proved to be that much harder. I came here to confirm that you are the man I know you always have been. When you stopped the car and got out to hold my hair back in the middle of oncoming traffic just to let me puke all over your shoes I knew you cared even when we hated each other. You care and I shouldn't have pushed you away."

"Of course I care. I will always care about you if we are together or not. I love you, Meredith Grey and I plan on spending the rest of my life with you," he says smiling like an idiot. He uttered those exact words almost a decade before. At the time she wasn't sure if he was true to his word. Now, standing in this cramped shower, pregnant with two beautiful children back in Seattle, she believes him without fail.

"I love you too," she replies without missing a beat.

They stand intertwined underneath the spray till their skin is pruned. When he leads her back to the bed and falls asleep wrapped around her, skin to bare skin, she finds a photo of them sitting on his nightstand. It's an older one, captured before they were even married. Derek is kissing her cheek and she's presumably holding the digital camera backwards to capture the shot. She was so young and in love back then. Back before she even knew how to process love or be loved by anyone.

Derek never gave up on her, even during her lowest lows. She doesn't want to give up on him either. Not ever.

With that thought swimming around in her brain she snuggles back underneath the covers with Derek and they start their new beginning.

Together.


Hello, anybody here? Yes I am still writing fanfiction about these two in the year of 2025. I just find that 11 seasons or I guess 12 if you count beach MerDer leaves room for infinite inspiration. I love to write and I just find that writing about these two never gets old. It's just a one shot I am not good at comitting to multi chapter stories.

I have something else in the works but I don't know when it will be done. Watch this space over the next couple of weeks. Divorce MerDer will never not hit. I know that if the show decided to go that route they would find their way back to each other regardless.

If you liked this leave a review, I appreciate your support. For any updates you can find me on twitter @PATRlCKDEMPSY the i in Patrick is just a lowercase L!