Siara was getting rather used to the rain by this point. Night had long since fallen, and dark clouds had rolled in a couple of hours ago. Not long after, droplets of water were released from them. The sound of rain on the roof was rather calming, but still not enough to help Siara get to sleep. There was too much going on in her head, though she doubted she'd have been able to sleep even if her mind was quiet. Her body simply wasn't used to getting multiple nights of sleep in a row. Instead, she allowed the thoughts to swim around in her head as she stared out into the night and the rain. Thoughts about what Mia had been talking to her about, or her brother, or Anders, and sometimes even what her future had in store for her. She pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders, despite not feeling cold.
Yup. Her life was a mess, she decided, and she wasn't sure where to even begin sorting it out. There wasn't any one good place to start. The grief she had around losing her brother was still heavy, but it was, in general, falling to the back of her mind more. She knew from when Mara had died, the pain would never fully go away, but distractions would come. They had already come, and with them, guilt. Guilt that she got to carry on with her life when she had watched both her siblings die, especially so soon after Jacen had died.
"You're up late."
She looked over her shoulder as Cullen walked towards her, his shirt untucked and hair a little messed. She shot him a quick smile before going back to staring out at the rain.
"You're one to talk."
"I've managed to get some sleep," he stopped in the doorway beside her, leaning against the frame as he looked at her. "Somehow I doubt you have."
"I've slept recently."
"As recently as last night?"
Siara didn't reply, knowing that Cullen would take that as all the answer he needed. He shook his head, scoffing slightly as he shifted his attention to the rain.
"So what woke you up?" Siara asked him, mildly concerned for his health. She didn't want him to spend more time away from Skyhold than was absolutely necessary, though she was certain he deserved the break. If he spent too much time awake, it could mean he'd have more withdrawals. That would definitely slow down his return to Skyhold.
"Nightmare," he explained, shrugging. That got Siara's attention, almost more than if it had been withdrawals.
"About what happened at the Circle?"
"Among other things."
"Are you all right?"
Now it was Cullen's turn to go quiet, but Siara wasn't going to push him. If he was going to answer, then he would in his own time. She didn't like it when people pushed her into giving them answers, she wasn't about to do it to Cullen. She looked around at him, studying his face closely.
He looked sad, almost haunted. It made her heart ache a little.
"I know I once said that you didn't need to tell me about what happened," she said, speaking slowly, "but if you ever need someone to listen, I'm happy to."
Cullen didn't reply, just stood there, silently staring out at the rain.
"You already know that the Circle was taken over by abominations," he started, his voice wary. "The templars - my friends - were slaughtered. I was… well. I was tortured. They tried to break my mind. The things that they showed me…" he shook his head, as though he was trying to clear his head of images he was shown a long time ago. He probably was.
"I can't imagine."
"You don't want to," he scoffed, running a hand through his hair. A strand of his fringe fell back, almost falling in his eye. "Even after everything that happened there, I still wanted to serve. I was sent to Kirkwall, and… well. You know what happened there as well as I do."
"I wasn't in the middle of it like you were."
"I… I'm ashamed of the man I was."
"That's probably a good thing. Better than being proud of it, at least."
Silence fell between them, the sound of rain pattering on the ground echoing around them. It didn't seem like there was anything more for either of them to say, and Siara was content to stand with Cullen and simply watch the rain. It took her by surprise when he spoke again only a couple of moments later.
"Do you think I could be forgiven?" he asked, his words hardly more than a whisper. Siara looked at him, her eyes slightly wide as she regarded him in mild surprise. He stayed staring out at the rain a bit longer, then met her eyes. He looked almost worried about what answer she might give him.
"I would say so," she managed to get out eventually, then shrugged apologetically, "but I'm not exactly the right person to ask. I'm not a mage. I can say that you're not the same as you were back then, though. You've changed. You're not… not so filled with hate."
Cullen scoffed slightly, a small, sad smile dancing across his lips, his scar quirking up a bit at the movement. Siara idly wondered how he'd gotten it, but didn't feel it was the right time to ask him.
"What about you?" he asked, once again taking Siara by surprise.
"What about me?"
"What's the worst thing you've done?"
"Oh, Maker," Siara laughed, breaking eye contact. "That's a doozy of a question, isn't it?"
"You don't have to answer," Cullen said hurriedly, and Siara could see out of the corner of her eye that he was rubbing his neck. "I don't even know why I asked."
"It's okay," she reassured him. "With my background, it's a pretty valid question." She let her eyes unfocus as she thought about the question, though she knew there was only one answer. Images of a young girl swam before her eyes, and a deep sigh escaped her before she could stop it.
"I couldn't have been much older than fifteen, maybe sixteen. Jacen and I were visiting a small town and we got hired by a family to find their daughter. It didn't take us too long to find her, unfortunately."
"Why is that unfortunate? Wouldn't finding her be a good thing?"
"Depends on your point of view, I suppose," Siara pulled her braid over her shoulder and started idly untying it, running her fingers through the end of her hair as she allowed memories she'd suppressed long ago to come to the surface. "We found her in a rather ramshackle, abandoned hunters hut about an hour outside of town. She really was just a kid, about eight. She seemed terrified, begging us to help her, sobbing as she asked us to please take her home. And we were going to, but something just seemed… off. Turned out she'd been possessed by a demon. We managed to get her subdued, but Jacen wanted to find a way to help her. I didn't want to take the chance and when he went off to find someone who could maybe help her, I untied her."
Cullen frowned, but he didn't say anything. Siara didn't say anything, either, once again gathering her thoughts and taking a deep breath.
"I wanted it to look like the demon had broken the restraints and attacked me. I did a pretty good job of it, too. The demon certainly played its part, and as soon as the restraints were removed, it attacked me. I killed it, and the little girl whose body it was inhabiting, without a second thought. Never told Jacen the truth about it. I killed that girl in cold blood."
"She was an abomination. You had no choice."
"You didn't have to tell her parents what had happened. I lied to them as easily as I lied to Jacen. Gave them a bullshit line about her being freed from a lifetime of slavery. It didn't help. We should have at least tried to free her from the demon."
"It's not always possible."
"I know. But trying is better than just murdering a young girl," Siara shook her head, now once more tying her hair in its usual braid. "Doesn't really matter, anyway. I never killed a kid again. Straight up refuse to."
"Kildarn's son?"
"Wasn't exactly a kid anymore. And besides, I tried to save him, in case you've forgotten," she shot Cullen a mock warning look, fastening off her braid and shaking her head. "You should try to get some more sleep."
"So should you. We have a pretty long ride ahead of us."
"What?"
"Did I forget to mention? A bird came with a letter from the Inquisitor just before I headed to bed. Corypheus is on the move."
Siara groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Well, shit."
That brought a light chuckle from Cullen, and Siara rolled her eyes at him.
"What?"
"Varric really did raise you, didn't he?"
"Oh, shut up," she retorted, lightly smacking Cullen on the upper arm before tugging him back inside. "If we're travelling all the way back to Skyhold, then we definitely need a good rest. I don't want to punch Jacquelyn as soon as I get back."
Cullen didn't have a reply to that, and he quietly shut the door behind them as they headed back to their respective rooms.
