Chapter 11 Introspection
As we head towards this seemingly endless trek on the third trek I realize how coddled I've been and ironically how ungrateful and shitty a child I ended up becoming my first life, how trying to be good for itachi and father's sake led to my downfall the second life, and how not being treated like an Uchiha princess led me unprepared for this trek in this life.
The solitude of the icy corriders and the cracks in the reflection toward myself along with introspection make sure to it that I've been a dog piece of shit. In my first life, my parents gave everything to me, and with my "innocence", I slapped it away. I turned my back against the father who did so much for me. And I caused him so much pain by essentially being ungrateful. And when people ask my father why I am the way I am, he's embarrassed and can't open his mouth. Quite honestly, my apology doesn't even do anything for him. I can only try to be my best from now on, for it feels like the gap has just grown too Large between us with regard to how Life is "viewed" between us.
The burden of relationships is generally too much too bear. For "love" is just Attachment. That's why ironically cutting ties and keeping distance isn't what's just best for me. It's what best for them too.
For even Mikoto...is just an Attachment. I can't save her if she wants to go down with clan as a loyal husband to Fugaku. She might be in...far too deep...
In this seemingly meaningless existence, why do I keep reincarnating? Do others go through a similar process? Is it because they have no choice? They are Insincere? Or just too Trapped by what they're trapped by? I don't know why they don't Seek a way out either? Perhaps the Illusion is too strong? Perhaps other Gods look after them in their own way. Perhaps they decide what happens if they are truly sincere. How much they will suffer with account to their children. To their learning? Their devotion to them as Gods to be respected?
To what extent are some of these Gods fiction? Which ones are Real? How sincere does it matter You Are? We are just monkeys who just guess and pray and wish for the best.
To what extent do we pray to gods for ourselves rather than genuinely get moved to devote themselves to the God of their choosing. Jesus being the example, and how truly few actually care about church they just show up for the sake of it. The same with Indian satsangs and how the people there chant: "All is love, love is all" but are really just there to get a dose of slight happiness and pretend like everything is fine in life. It feels like No One is Sincere, or a very small portion of the population is.
Perhaps that's why I am the petty woman I am. Because I sincerely grew up a spoiled bitch. And expect things to be handed to me. Rather than having to Work for it.
There you have it folks. I won't deny the misunderstandings rose-tinted-glasses had in both lives I had so far in which I wanted to See the world a different way. The lashings out and terrible person it made me. But holding up these mirrors in this ice cold path makes me realize:
the damage I've caused, the people I hurt, the pain I inflicted, the way I shirked,
not duty, nor responsibility, but be a decent person to the people around me, in this mirrored way of destiny, mind creates a prison of hurt