Chapter 25 – For Those We Leave Behind
It had been about twelve hours since they returned to Bana, Jet reckoned.
He only reckoned that, rather than knew it, because he had spent most of that time unconscious, according to Yuna anyway. From her version of events, he and Alice had gotten out of the Bronco, and barely two minutes later, he had simply passed out.
The adrenaline must have finally worn off, he supposed. What that explanation didn't… well, explain, was why he found himself lying in a hospital bed in one of those horrible paper gowns… again.
He'd thought it was a nightmare the moment he woke up; a reminder of the last time he'd wound up in hospital after the "incident" as his family had called it, but he had quickly realised it was his reality, not his overactive imagination.
The next thing he asked was why his leg felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it. The explanation for that was simple too - the ejector seat hadn't quite been as smooth as it should have been, and one of the restraining straps had only detached because it snapped. Had it snapped any later, he'd have lost that leg, rather than it just being very badly bruised instead.
He didn't fancy going down the path of Douglas Bader, he had to admit. Not least because it wound up with a stint in a POW camp, and a subscription to Colonialism Weekly in later life…
Still, he could walk, but he wasn't going to be doing any flying any time soon, he reckoned - Yuna had explained that the Commander had Solitaire flight all rendered combat ineffective for a few days, in order to recover from everything.
He was probably being optimistic if he thought that would heal in only a few days, and he wasn't talking about his leg there either…
That had been roughly six hours ago, and in that time, the powers that be had decided that he was fit to be released, on condition that he rested up, and so, equipped with a walking stick for now, he found himself back in his chalet.
Sat idly on the sofa with his leg propped up, he was reminded of the last bickering between him and Sierra; over a damn sofa bed of all things.
It seemed so utterly insane now to imagine that they'd found time to argue over a naff bed of all things, but he supposed that had been their relationship in a nutshell - and it hurt to know that he'd never see the damn idiot again.
Despite the soreness though, and even the pain of loss, he was glad to be back, and he'd been told that Eugeo had returned - actually returning ahead of them somehow - and Alice was being treated properly for her wounds by the base's medical team. It was at the mention of surgery in his mind that his thoughts returned to Sierra, and how he'd found him; had he found him sooner, maybe he could have survived?
He wouldn't have survived for long like that, even if he had been alive, the more sensible part of his mind told him.
"Oh good, he's awake." Itsuki remarked walking in through the door, and for once, he couldn't detect even a shred of sarcasm in the remark.
"Welcome back to the land of the living!" Zeliska remarked cheerfully, and seemed to be blissfully unaware of how much that statement seemed to hit Kureha beside her.
He'd always known her to put on a smile to try and hide her feelings, and she was definitely the type or person to discover why that was a bad idea - they both were - but now? She wasn't even doing that much…
The mask hadn't slipped, so much as it had fallen to the floor and shattered into a thousand pieces.
"How'd you feel?"
"Rough. There's kids around so I won't actually say how bad…"
"Hey! I'm only a year younger than you, Captain!" Yuna remarked.
"Are you?" Itsuki asked, clearly as taken aback as he was there. "Perhaps I should return the birthday cake with "Happy 13th Birthday" on it then…" Okay, there was the sarcasm.
"I'm not that much of a kid, Itsuki!"
"You all look younger than you are…" He shrugged.
"Yeah, well… How old are you then, Itsuki?"
"There are some secrets that everyone must keep…" Itsuki answered evasively.
Finally, he found a chance to interject. "Everything about you, in other words."
"Were you never taught about stranger danger…" It was quite amusing to watch Itsuki of all people finding himself on the back foot for once, and if he was honest, the teasing was helping him to ignore the tap dancing elephant in the room that was talking to Kureha.
He knew he'd have to face that one at some point, and he couldn't help but feel that it would go absolutely horribly…
"Kureha, are you okay?"
"Huh, oh, I'm fine." She lied so transparently that her statement may as well have been a freshly installed window.
The bags under her eyes and the tears seemingly welling up in her eyes said otherwise though. "You sure on that?"
"You want to know what's my problem, huh?" She asked quietly, before she carried on. "You survived. Because of course you did." Kureha said bitterly, and he tried to be measured in his response, to not snap at her because she was in the same boat as he was and to show some kind of compassion… she clearly wasn't of the same opinion, and it felt more like she was trying to throw him overboard…
"And what do you mean by "of course you survived", huh?" He asked her pointedly as he stood up to get a drink.
She snorted. "You had to be the damn hero and you got Sierra killed because of it! My friend, the love of-" She stopped momentarily, but just long enough to scrunch his face up in discontent. "You got him killed." She said quietly, and he realised something…
"You really did never grow up, did you?" He asked her. "Because this isn't all about you! You don't want to accept that you aren't the only one suffering here!"
"Fuck you!"
"And she lashes out because she knows it's true! He was my friend too, and I think you don't care about that because you just want to wallow in your own misery! Newsflash, missy, we are all in this boat, not just you!"
"Say that again, and I will bring you down to size!" She stood as tall as she could manage, though it proved ineffective – she was nearly an entire foot shorter than he was, meaning it felt a little bit like being threatened by a chihuahua… only the dog's bite was worse than its bark.
Hers wasn't.
"Oh, I would like to see you try…" He snorted in derision, and he stood up to his full height too, regardless of his bad leg, now ready for the inevitable fight that would break out from this. He tried to forget his attitude towards Alice – she hadn't deserved it, and he'd lashed out then, but Kureha was clearly looking for a fight, and if she was looking, he would oblige her right now…
"What the hell has gotten into both of you?!" Before any violence could occur, he was pushed back by Zeliska, who was clearly fed up with the two of them and now trying to break them apart before they did anything they'd both regret… "You two are meant to be friends, and you're meant to be grieving the loss of your best friend, not trying to murder each other!"
"He would know all about murdering someone, wouldn't he?" She sniped at him, now quite sure he wasn't going to lamp her because of Zeliska…
"Oh fuck off, you childish cow." He snapped back. "Do you not think I'm not just as ate up as you about Sierra? He was my best mate too!"
"I knew him since we were children, it isn't even close!"
"Oh for-grow up, for fuck's sake! I get that you're angry, Kureha. I don't blame you for that! I'm angry that you are so engrossed in your own little world that you can't see that you aren't the only one struggling right now!"
"And what would you know about struggling with losing Sierra, you two spent most of your time squabbling!" She spat back at him, and something in him snapped; he found himself laughing to himself in response…
"What would I know about struggling, huh? What would I know? I have to live with the guilt that it was on my watch he never came back, whilst I did! I have to live with the fact that I saw his body lying there, mangled almost beyond recognition, and that I won't ever be able to think back to those days before without imagining that somewhere in my mind!" He spotted her grimacing, almost as if a part of her was slowly realising that she was wrong… "You loved him, and you'll have that burden to bear for the rest of your life, but don't you dare think I don't have mine too, Kureha!"
They all paused for a moment, taken aback by his outburst, and he had the most fragile hope that he'd gotten through to her in that moment, as she turned away from him. He hated that it had gotten this far, but he needed her right now; they both needed each other if they weren't going to just burn themselves out… what they didn't need was this stupid sniping at each other!
Sadly, he was mistaken in his hope. "I wish you hadn't now." She told him quietly as she walked away, and with those five words, he felt something inside him completely shatter. Even externally, he recoiled slightly, almost as if those words had hit him physically…
He wasn't the only one, and even Itsuki had been caught off guard by the seeming sincerity in those words. "Harsh." He said quietly to himself, before Zeliska glared angrily at him. A single glare was all it took for him to fall silent again, and Zeliska placed a hand on his shoulder as Kureha left the room.
"She'll come around… eventually." She told him, trying to reassure him. If he wasn't holding back every emotion right now, he'd have told her she needed to work on sounding sincere, because she really didn't sound like she believed her own words…
"And so'll the heat death of the universe, and I'm pretty sure that'll come sooner." He said bitterly as sat down on a table.
"Jet, if you want, we can-"
"Zel, I love you as a friend, but right about now, I just need to be alone." He told her as bluntly as he could. Zeliska was one of the kindest people he knew, but she could occasionally get a bit smother-y, and he had no doubts this would be one of those times… and he didn't want to snap at her too.
Thankfully, she took the hint. "If you need anything, my door's always open." She told him with a sad smile, whilst Itsuki gave him a half-hearted salute as he left with her, a gesture he did himself and that had come to simply be a mutual greeting between members of the flight, rather than any show of respect.
The members of Idol Flight gave him a look of sympathy, and made themselves scarce before anything of note could be exchanged.
With the room now empty, and the pair some way away from the door, any barriers he still had collapsed completely, and he broke down. He did love Kureha – maybe not in the way she loved Sierra, but it was still a kind of love – but to hear her say that she wished he had died?
He was pretty sure that the shattering he had felt earlier was his heart, and given the tears in his eyes now, the world around him looked as if it had shattered with it. He wasn't sure how he must have looked to anyone else, had they been there to see all of this; a complete mess snivelling with tears running down his cheeks, hunched over a sink crying…
It was in that moment that, inside the raging whirlpool of emotions, rage overcame all others to approach the surface, and he lashed out at the nearest object which, in this case, was a mirror… his hand coming away from the encounter far worse than the mirror had.
The mirror had merely shattered into pieces of glass and silver, whilst his hand came away with small shards of the mirror still embedded in it…
In a sick and twisted way, he was glad he'd done that, purely because it meant the pain had forced him to think of that, rather than focusing on his former best friends; one dead, and the other dead to him.
In every other way though, he had regretted it instantly, the bloody mess of a hand showing that he had completely lost it, the blood, glass and shards of silver a testament to that. "Ahh, fuckkk…" He groaned in pain as he tried to wipe away the smaller shards, before moving onto the larger ones, and then onto bandaging his hand.
It was crude, but it'd do the trick as long as no one looked at it too hard. If they did, it might just fall off anyway…
Looking back at the destroyed mirror, and the horrific reflection of himself in what was left of it, he sat back on the edge of the bath and tried to calm himself down. "What the hell is wrong with me now?" He sighed as he asked himself that pressing question, but not expecting an answer.
He didn't receive one either.
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The mood around Bana was still upbeat - people found themselves drinking and cheering, whilst others had started to have a game of soccer off to one side of the airfield.
Eydis, whilst still extremely happy at the return of the three people she loved the most, wasn't so blind to miss the obvious suffering in the air, and normally, she'd have been the first to try and comfort others… but with the mood like that, she wasn't sure that cheerful would help anyone.
If anything, it might even come across more insulting.
Which was why she'd spent most of the afternoon by Alice's side - she'd agreed with Zeliska that they would go and keep Lover-boy company in his chalet, whilst she and Eugeo sat with the delirious Alice.
She'd had the surgery required to remove the remnants of the bullet in her head, and thankfully, they reckoned she would recover sooner rather than later, and there was a good chance that her eyesight would be just as good as it had been before, but there was something almost unspeakably awful about seeing her best friend lying there, moaning, grumbling and crying about things that simply weren't there - she'd been genuinely terrified by the alligators on her bed, crawling up to eat her… alligators that were, in fact, a green pattern section of the bed, with black zigzags on it.
It was like watching someone losing their mind, only with the assurance it was just a side effect of the morphine fading away in her system…
That really didn't make it much better, she thought.
"Alice, if you can hear me, I'll be back in a bit. I just need to get something to eat." Eydis told her, holding her best friend's hand tight in hers. "Don't you want something too?" She asked Eugeo.
"I'll be fine, besides, you know what she's been like. Someone needs to be here…" Eugeo told her, and she felt like dragging him off to get food - he'd been by her side for nearly seven hours now, and she couldn't say if he'd actually eaten since… Well, she really didn't know.
"I'll bring you something then." She told him as she walked out of the room, and out to the vending machine.
Most vending machines offered drinks, and maybe even small snacks if you were lucky. The ones at the hospital, on the other hand, apparently served their staff's lunches - and if she imagined MREs tasted awful (they did) then she was almost dreading what the "Chicken Dinner in a can" would taste like…
Still, it wasn't like they'd get anything better at the moment - the hospital was a bit strict about bringing in food from outside, so it was whatever was inside the can that would be sufficient for their lunch…
Even if she did imagine it was going to look and smell a bit like dog food.
She walked back into the room and handed Eugeo a can of dinner - and hoped she would never have to utter that sentence again in the process. "Food is served."
When even Eugeo was giving her a look of "are you sure that's human food", she knew it was bad, but it was apparently all the nutritional value that was needed, and even if she didn't need it desperately, she knew he would.
After a few seconds of reading the instructions on the tin, they had set their lunch down to "cook" (or more likely, just to heat up so it was actually somewhat edible), and their attention turned back to the past few days. "I thought I'd never see you all again." She said quietly, her head hanging low in sadness.
"You said it yourself, Edith, we're a lot tougher than we look." Eugeo told her reassuringly, slipping back into the habit of using her real name, rather than her game name. "And besides, you know what Alice is like - there's armies that'd think twice before trying to keep her hostage."
"I know that, but… we saw what they'd done to the pilots they'd captured." She said, her voice barely above a whisper. She'd done her damnedest not to watch any of the videos sent to the Osean commanders, but she had known it was bad.
Even Pitohui had looked shell shocked after she had walked out of the room, and rather than explain it to her, she had simply told her that she didn't want to know, and that she wished she had never known either…
"Yeah." Eugeo didn't say much there, but it was apparent that they had all seen what happened to the people held captive by the Jesters. "It's strange, I knew how bad of a situation I was in, but I never really thought I was going to die."
Before anything else could be said, a whistling noise permeated the room, and the smell of… something that almost resembled a chicken dinner actually. "Huh?"
"I don't know how to explain it - it felt like I wouldn't die, but whatever fate I did suffer, it'd be enough to make me wish I did." Eugeo grimaced, no doubt remembering whatever the Jesters had done to him during his time in captivity.
"Those marks on your neck…" She asked, almost wincing at the thought.
"They tried to interrogate me. Didn't get anything out of me. I got something out of them though."
Eydis laughed to herself a little bit, before she poured out her lunch into the dish in front of her. It really did look like dog food, she thought to herself - a light brown and watery gravy, with chunks of chicken, potato and vegetables floating in it... "Oh, that really doesn't look good." She said to no answer…
Mainly as Eugeo was too busy eating his, seemingly without a care in the world for how much like dog food it looked. So busy was he eating it that a realisation popped into her mind…"Did… did they even feed you guys?"
"Hm?" He looked up, realising what she'd asked. "Yeah, but it was just chunks of bread. Nothing substantial though…"
Alice groaned from the bed beside them, and in what felt like the first return to the Alice she knew and loved… turned away to avoid the smell of the food. "Away from me… get it away from me… not a dog…" She grumbled.
She turned to Eugeo with a grin, before she placed a hand on Alice's head and started patting her head gently. "Who's a good girl, huh? Who?" She gave her best impression of a doting dog mom…
"Eydis…" Alice groaned, this time in a rather more growling tone - actually sounding a little bit like a dog, if she thought about it really hard…
Even Eugeo couldn't help himself from laughing a little bit, the first genuine smile on his face since they'd returned… "It's a good job she's not fully conscious yet."
"Yup, otherwise her hands would be wrapped around me, I know." Eydis grinned at the innuendo. "More I think about it, that wouldn't be all too bad, would it?" She smirked, teasing him.
"You're incorrigible."
"Thank you!" She said smugly, despite not knowing what he meant in the slightest. "I wouldn't change either of you either."
"Eydis, you know I've got this now, right? Alice would be telling you to go and check on Jet, rather than her right now - I'm here for her, and I'd be surprised if he doesn't need someone there for him right now."
Eydis had done her best to bury her head in the sand regarding news about them, for fear of it being bad news at first, but Fanatio had quickly told her off about that, and it hadn't been long before they'd confirmed that Sierra was dead after that.
It was weird, she thought, as she'd never really known him too well; a friend of her boyfriend, but definitely not the type of person she chose to hang around with… and yet, it felt a little different without him around already…
"Okay." She agreed, and pulled Eugeo into a gentler hug than normal. He was still a bit weakened from his time on Adamas, so she was going a little more kindly on him for now.
For now anyway.
"Now, where do we reckon he'll be?"
"If he has any sense, he'll be taking it easy and resting in his room." Eugeo said, speaking as the voice of reason amongst the madness. "But it's Jet, so he could be anywhere but there."
"I'll try the bar. Call it a hunch."
"Tell him that Alice will kill him if he drowns himself in alcohol before she's had a chance to say thank you." Eugeo joked. "No idea if it's true or not, but it does sound like something she'd say."
"Heard… that…" Alice grumbled from beside them, and Eydis did her best not to laugh at the coincidence as she left the lovebirds together.
/-/
For once, her hunch was spot on.
Which was unfortunate, because it was the one time she'd hoped she was completely and utterly wrong.
In her experience, Jet was relatively straight-laced: he didn't drink, didn't smoke, and the only drug he knowingly consumed was caffeine, but he'd admitted that was purely down to it being a form of pragmatism.
Everyone else around him drank copiously, so he was left to pick up the pieces… usually when things had exploded or broken into a thousand pieces.
Tonight though, it looked like the thing broken into a thousand pieces was him, and she had absolutely no idea what to do.
In the end, she'd managed to blunder her way through a brief conversation with him before he had left for somewhere, leaving her to ruminate on everything…
"If I'm lucky, tonight'll be the night my sleep apnoea kills me…" He had said as he left, and for the first time in a long time, Eydis was left scrambling to think of something.
She was rash, bold, impulsive… and for once, none of that helped. Nothing came to mind to stop him from walking away and out the door. Her head sagged, feeling heavy on her shoulders, and she almost lay down on her folded arms on the bar, in defeat. "What do I even do, how do you even get through to someone in that state?" She asked no one in particular, not expecting a response.
"Well, I am far from an expert in relationships, but I imagine that moping in a bar is probably not the solution you are looking for."
It failed to click in Eydis' mind who was talking for a second, but when it did, she found herself sitting bolt upright, hand on her forehead in a salute. "Ma'am!"
"At ease, Eydis." The captain rolled her eyes as she took a seat next to her. "I take it that your reunion has not been the most seamless of experiences then?"
"Jet's shut off from everyone, and I'm worried he might do something really dumb; Alice is still somewhere between delirious and unconscious, and Eugeo is… well, actually, he seems to be doing surprisingly okay, all things considered." Eydis explained, before putting her head back into her arms in frustration. "I don't know how to help any of them!" She shouted, though her voice was muffled by the hardwood of the bar and her arms covering her face.
"Head up high, soldier." The captain ordered, and she begrudgingly agreed. "Eydis, I have lost people dear to me before. My son will never know his father, and it took a lot longer than I am proud of to come to terms with that, and I know that is not the same as this situation, but I can sympathise with Captain Edmondson losing his best friend. If you wish to help him though, this is what I wish I had when I was going through similar – you need to show him that you are there to help when he needs it, but make it clear you cannot help him without him wanting to help himself."
Eydis found herself processing what Fanatio had just told her – including telling her stuff about her personal life, something she had never heard the captain tell anyone before – but she agreed with her on it. She wasn't going to be able to pull him out of this death spiral single handedly; he needed to come to terms with everything himself, and that wasn't something she could do for him.
"When it comes to the other two though… I honestly don't know what to tell you, Eydis. Alice is a strong young woman, I do not doubt she will pull through, even if she has not done so yet."
"Ma'am, permission to hug you?" She asked.
"Granted?" Fanatio asked in complete confusion, before she pulled her commanding officer into the most grateful hug that she could manage… "Ack! Revoked! Permission revoked!" She spluttered, as Eydis let go of her. "Good lord, that boy's bones must be made of steel…"
"Ma'am, you can have my drink… I'm going to go and save my friends from themselves!" She said, a glimmer of hope relit in her eyes by Fanatio's advice.
She rushed off with a shout of "good luck" following her, and she began to formulate a plan in her head.
She wondered what it said about all of them that Eugeo, despite having been tortured, seemed to be the most upbeat and level headed of all four of them currently, but that was a question for another time, she supposed…
As it stood currently, her plan was rather bare bones, but at least that way, it meant that there was far less to go wrong, she had decided as she walked out into the bracing breeze across the airfield!
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Walking into Jet's room felt like an assault on the senses, compared to its usual neat state.
Objects were scattered about haphazardly, clothing lying across the place; even hanging off the curtain rails somehow, as if it had been thrown around in anger and frustration, and there was an uncomfortable smell – one she faintly recognised but couldn't place. A strange, iron-like smell… oh no.
"Lover-boy, you here?" She asked nervously, fearing the worst. She knew he was already in a bad place, but he wasn't in that bad of a place, was he? She couldn't help but check her own pulse to make sure she wasn't about to hyperventilate as she inched closer to the bathroom, and to the source of the smell…
She stopped at the closed door, and tried to rub the images that her runaway imagination had conjured up away – those of him laid out, unresponsive in a pool of his own blood, or worse, sat there as he stared off into space…
She wasn't sure she could handle that; she wasn't really sure anyone could handle that, not really.
Pushing against the door gently, it prized open as she felt her heart enter her mouth, a sense of pure terror at the scene of horror she might find in there…
Thankfully for her, her worst fears weren't realised. The room was empty, saved for a tatter of towel and scattered clothes, though she instantly recognised where the source of the bloody smell was coming from – the mirror above the sink was shattered, as if someone had punched it so hard that it shattered. Easily enough force to draw blood, especially if he'd hit a shard of glass as he pulled his fist back…
And it had been long enough ago that the blood had dried onto the shards of glass, which explained the strength of the smell… but that also meant that…
"Oh, lover-boy, I am so sorry…" She apologised for not noticing this a lot sooner and realising that this was going to be a far harder task than she thought. "I should have caught this a lot sooner…"
That left one question though: where was he?
He wasn't here, he wasn't with any of Solitaire, and he sure as heck wouldn't have been in Sierra's old room either, so that didn't really leave many places he could go for solitude, except…
Ah ha!
The cabin in the woods that they'd found! It was far enough from the base that no one would spot it immediately, but close enough that they had been able to run an extension cord to it, so they had light, heat and power…
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There was something eerie about walking through the forest next to the base at night, Eydis had decided, and she could absolutely see why it was such a cliché in horror movies now. She felt as if something could come from any direction, and she would be none the wiser if it did…
Of course, the only things out here were squirrels, birds and the occasional badger, plus Pina, the base's cat, hunting dormice, so it wasn't like she was too likely to encounter… say, a bear or worse, but that didn't help that sense of unease. She supposed that her guilt at how all of this had unfolded wasn't helping either; just how had she not noticed how bad of a state her own boyfriend was in? It wasn't like she hadn't been around him!
Not even mentioning the part of her mind that was trying to apportion blame – did he blame her for not intervening sooner? Did he blame her for not noticing, for being too engrossed in her own happiness to have them back? For being so selfish?
Despite this, she spent the next few minutes fumbling amongst the leaves and dirt in the dark, trying to find the extension cord that they had partially buried, so as she wasn't just walking around the forest in the dark, and actually had some kind of idea as to where she was going…
"Ah hah!" She exclaimed, striking the plastic sheathing on the cable. "I really did a good job on that, didn't I?" She asked the thin air around her, not expecting a response, before she followed the cable away from the base.
What felt like an eternity for her, as she remembered the time they'd spent out here, away from prying eyes, and then the few times they had had others around, usually for a campfire or barbecue, was in reality only two minutes, but the realisation that, no matter what she did, things probably wouldn't ever be the same again; Jet was spiralling deeper, to the point she wasn't sure how close to out-of-control he actually was, whilst Kureha had simply disappeared, hidden from anyone that wasn't herself. Zeliska and Itsuki seemed to be handling things a little bit better, but how people came across outwardly, and what they really thought, were two very different things…
She had plenty of experience on that front after all.
Still, her own insecurities could wait for now, and she peered in through the window. The light was definitely on, if slightly dimmed down, and she could see blankets huddled around the place, but no sign of Jet. That being said, she remembered that there were parts of the cabin that couldn't be seen from the outside anyway, and he knew that as well as she did, so it wasn't an unreasonable assumption to think he was in one of them.
"Anyone here?" She called as she opened the door and looked around. The cabin wasn't huge, it was only really built for two or three people to stop comfortably in, and maybe four at a maximum, with no real division of rooms, but it was still large enough that bits of "rooms" could be hidden at certain angles.
Like the bed, where a grunt came from Jet, who was currently lying on his front with his face buried into a pillow. The pillow was clearly taking the brunt of his emotional outbursts; tear stains across the white pillowcase that was only half on the pillow itself, having clearly been thrashed about the place…
Despite her nerves telling her that she would just make things worse, that she always just made things worse, she sat on the bed beside him. "I'm sorry I didn't notice all of this earlier. I was just happy to have you all back, and I guess I missed how awful it had been for all of you."
Just another grunt in response.
She leaned over and began to rub his back to reassure him. "Umm, I know I'm not the best at this, but I just want you to know I'm here for you now, and I just want you to be okay."
"It should've been me." He mumbled into the pillow.
"Huh?"
"It should've been me!" He shouted and she recoiled. "It's not fair! Why did he have to die, and I didn't!"
"No, it isn't fair, you're right. You both should've gotten out." She told him, though she knew he knew that deep down. Grief wasn't rational though - she knew that better than most people, it made you act in ways you'd never dare to if you were fully in control of yourself…
"I just… I want to just leave." He said quietly. "When I saw him like that, I wanted to go and kill every last one of the bastards… I knew it was a suicide mission, and I still wanted to."
"I won't let you kill yourself." She told him defiantly. "I won't let you out of my arms, if I have to. You saved me from myself, Jet, so let me return the favour." She wrapped her arms around him. "I know how hard it is to accept stuff like this, stuff you can't control like that. I told you about Shirley, didn't I?"
"The girl at the orphanage?"
"I wish I could go back, and just stop myself from being friends with her. Just so she'd live… but I've come to realise that I had no control over that. Just like you and Sierra's seat." She admitted, a realisation that she had finally come to terms with that as she did. "I know you're in a bad way, Lover-boy, but I want you to promise me something?"
"Like what?"
"That you'll try not to blame yourself for this. I know there'll still be moments that you do, I know I still do sometimes, but I want you to remember what I've said to you then. Don't hurt yourself over it, not again. Please, for me?" She pleaded with him, knowing that she couldn't take it if he was actually hurting himself again over his guilt. Just seeing that shattered mirror had been too much to take as it was…
"I won't promise you that I won't blame myself, Eydis." She deflated a little. She knew she wasn't as good at speeches as he was, but she'd thought it was at least a little convincing… "But I promise you I won't go attacking any more mirrors. I, uhh, I learned my lesson on that one pretty much instantly." He looked down at his hand, badly bandaged and held together with what looked like masking tape.
"Glad to hear." She smiled. "C'mere, and let Nurse Eydis bandage that up properly, will you?" She looked in her inventory for the first aid kit, and made a note to refill it after this, whilst he sat up and let her tend to his hand.
He really had done a number on it; it was cut badly around his knuckles and the back of his hand, and he clearly hadn't bothered to do anything other than bandage it with the tatters of a clean towel… "What's that phrase you use when someone messed something up? Dog's bollocks?"
"Dog's breakfast. Ghh! Uhh, that one means something's good." He answered, as she sprayed anti-septic onto the cuts.
"What's good about a dog's balls anyway?" She asked, wiping over the wounds with a clean wipe, just to be on the safe side.
"No idea, that saying never made much sense to me either." He admitted, as she took the bandages out of the plastic wrap. "Sorry I caused all of this…"
"Put your hand out flat, please." She told him, and he did, allowing her to wrap his hand up properly. "You're grieving. If anyone should be sorry, it's me for being so caught up in my own little world I missed the real world…"
"It isn't your fault I went and picked a fight with a mirror… and lost." He added quietly as she used the provided tape to make sure the bandages stayed in place. If she was honest, it wasn't the greatest of jobs, but it was a heck of a lot better than his makeshift bandaging at least… "I just… I wanted to be left alone, and I guess my anger got the better of me. I still do, I think."
"Jet, you're about one minor mess up away from a full-on meltdown. I can see that, you can tell that, and… just let it out. I'm here for you, come hell or high water, right?"
"I'm not… I don't want you to see me like this."
"Tough. We're in this together, right? That's just what a relationship is, it isn't just the good moments, the time we spend together… it's those bad times too, it's being there to help the other person when they need it most." She told him as she looked up at him from closing up the first aid bag. "And you know something, I'd say you need that help now, more so than ever!"
With the bag away, she found herself humming a song her parents listened to, and whilst her English wasn't great – she made a note to ask lover-boy to help her learn a bit more when he was in a better mindset – she knew enough to know what the lyrics meant…
"~Stop, stop, being so hard on yourself… it's not good for your health. I know that you can change, so clear your head and come round!~" She sang softly, and he closed his eyes with a gentle smile on his face, as if he was lost in her voice…
"~Just open your eyes, you might just get a big surprise! And it might feel good, and you might want to smile, smile, smile… Oh don't you let your demons pull you down, 'cause you can have it all… you can have it all…~" She carried on, and noticed him lip syncing along to the song too.
"So come on, so come on! Get it on, I don't know what you're waiting for; your time is comin', don't be late, hey hey!" His lip syncing had become more apparent, and he seemed, if not cheerful, then a little happier as he mimed along with her…
"So come on, so come on, see the light on your face; let it shine, just let it shi-ine!~" Both of them now sang, with her arm wrapped around his shoulder as she pulled him into her chest. "Hey! Let me know ya…"
"Let me know ya." He sang, though with considerably less enthusiasm. Understandably so, given his state, but it was better than nothing, she supposed…
"~You're all that matters to me…~" She sang her feelings to him, as she hugged him tightly to her chest and stroked his head.
It wasn't long before she could feel the tears in his eyes coming out, and she softly kissed the top of his head as she encouraged him to let it all out. "Shh, shh." She hummed, remembering how their mom had comforted her when she was at her lowest.
The embrace would last far longer than any they had previously had, lasting even as they both drifted off to sleep that night…
/-/
The cabin was an oddly calming place to find oneself in the early morning, Jet thought as he stirred against the bedsheets and Eydis.
The sun beaming through the windows onto the wooden floor, and basking both of them in a soothing glow, it all made him feel a little better as he remembered why he was out here in the first place – the loss of his best friend, and what felt like the complete collapse of his friend group to the infighting that came from that.
Feeling his face, he could tell just how vulnerable he had been last night – streaks from where he'd openly wept into his girlfriend's shirt were still obvious, and yet, she'd been there to keep him from doing any more damage to himself…
"Morning…" Eydis yawned in surprise, not expecting him to be awake yet. "How do you feel?"
"Like someone took an angle grinder to my vocal cords." He admitted.
"I forgot to say this last night, but… I want you to go talk to Strea about all this. Not right now, obviously, but when you feel like you can talk again. And, y'know, when we get back."
That scared him more than any fight, if he really thought about it. Not Strea, she seemed nice enough from what he'd seen of her, but the idea of talking about his personal problems to a complete stranger again. The last time had ended up with him just being prescribed antidepressants, and that clearly hadn't worked, had it?
But at the same time, he knew Eydis was right to want him to go and get his head in order. He was already going to be grounded for a while, and he had no doubts that would screw with him whilst he tried to find a way to broach any conversation with Kureha…
It hadn't been just him who had lost their best friend, but she had as well… and given how their last "conversation" had played out…
"Yeah." He told her, trying to keep his sentences as short as possible so his throat didn't hurt as much…
"I know you don't want to do this, and it's going to take a lot of persuasion for you to-wait, did you just say yes?"
He nodded, and for once, he saw Eydis speechless… "Heh, so it is possible to get through to you then!" She said with a gleeful glint in her eyes, before she pulled him into a hug. "Maybe we should get up though, as I think people are going to be wondering where the heck we are?"
Looking through his inventory, he retrieved a bottle of water and took a swig. It wasn't a perfect cure, but he did at least feel as if he could talk again now… "Yeah, probably a good idea, before either of us get accused of going AWOL."
"Nah, no chance of that!" Eydis told him proudly as she stood up. "Fanatio already knows I was looking for you."
He supposed that was something at least, that they weren't going to get done for having gone AWOL - even with everything going on, he couldn't exactly defend himself on that one, and the last thing he wanted was to drag Eydis into his misery…
She didn't deserve that.
/-/
The walk back to Bana was oddly serene, Jet thought to himself.
In the past few days and weeks, you could barely move without the roar of jets, turboprops and helicopters overhead, shattering any sense of calmness that they might have felt outside the base.
Today though, it was quiet. There was still the occasional roar of aircraft, but nowhere near the same numbers as there had been, something he attributed to the peace they now found themselves in down here.
Even the base seemed calm - no longer were people running around like headless chickens, preparing all kinds of weaponry and fuels for the myriad of aircraft they'd found based there, but rather only a few were moving at more than a walking pace, and fewer still were in war time mode…
Or it had been that way, until Sortiliena had told them that they were wanted in the briefing room.
He sighed - there really was no rest for the wicked, was there?
Luckily, the briefing was not one of war… but rather something even more anxiety inducing. "Well, I'm glad that everyone is in such high spirits this morning, because the Mayor of Bana wants to give you all a reward for your actions above the city." Bercouli explained to the gathered pilots, most of whom looked a state of some kind.
That state being pissed.
About the only ones who could conceivably be said to not look like they'd been dragged backwards through a hedge were Black Blade Flight, who instead just looked tired - happy and tired in the case of Kirito and Asuna, but tired nonetheless.
"Which means ya'll wanna sober yourselves up before tomorrow." Bercouli carried on. "The Mayor's giving you all the Freedom of the City, which is one hell of an award for… well, anyone really! Especially for guys and gals as young as yourselves…"
Rather than cheering, the reaction was more muted - partially down to the aforementioned hangovers, and partially because he reckoned no one had a clue what the "Freedom of the City" actually was. He only knew it by name, not by what it actually was, other than something that was bestowed on important people and military units… and didn't have to apply to cities either, given nearby Weston-super-Mare (definitely not a city) had bestowed it at some point…
"Err sir, one question." Asuna was the first person to speak up. "What actually is the Freedom of the City?"
"It's an honour bestowed on the freemen of the city. Allows us to parade through the city if we want… and drive cattle through the city." That confusion soon became more apparent, as multiple hands went up at the same time… "And no, we don't intend to use that last part."
Multiple hands then went down.
"Your dress uniforms have been retrieved from Canaveral, and are being delivered here as we speak, and for those of you who don't have them, a tailor has been sent to have uniforms fitted to you." Fanatio added. "Which means you will have today off, in order to prepare yourselves."
/-/
Preparations had been something more involved than almost any procedure that it was possible to conceive of in an aircraft, but eventually they had been completed, and the next day had rolled around.
Amusingly for the heroes of the day, Jet thought to himself, they had been given an old bus to be transferred from Bana City to the National Memorial Arboretum, some distance outside Bana, in the fields just off the main H38 highway, and the reactions were as… mixed, as he'd imagined.
Much more so when they were moving, and could barely hear themselves think as the bus flew down the H38…
Eventually though - and after a little bit of deafness - they had arrived at the arboretum, and been escorted through the place as things were being set up. Chairs had been set up in the monument, no doubt for dignitaries and other important people, whilst they got their first real sense of scale as to how big this simmering conflict had been; the monument was enormous, Jet thought.
Easily three or four times taller than them, and built on an already fairly large hill, the grey stone walls surrounded them in a circle, one with only two exits directly opposing each other. On each and every wall, the names of the dead had been written on them; every single person who had died in the conflict with Belka since 1905, 64 years prior.
An entire lifetime ago, nearly.
He wondered if the crew of the Harrier were on there by now, and all the people who had died at the Battle of the Bay; that had been months ago now after all, and he made a note to have a look once this was over.
The least they could do was put some flowers down to remember everyone by, he supposed.
"I thought this was supposed to be a big honour, so why does it feel so much like a funeral?" Klein asked, still standing at attention. Hell, they all were, despite the lack of dignitaries or any reason to do so…
"It's the context around it." Philia answered. "It just feels… wrong."
He couldn't help but agree with her there, everything just felt… wrong about this - like they were being rewarded for failure, if anything.
"Ya know, yer the first lot of pilots I've seen who ain't happen at gettin' awarded…" Bercouli laughed. "But yeah, these kinds of things aren't much fun for anyone. Holding it at a memorial don't help either…"
"Ah, good morning!" A smaller man, probably around 5ft 6, appeared at the top of the stairs leading to the memorial. "I take it you are all of the pilots? Either that, or there has been a monumental administrative cock up?"
"Yes sir, Commander Bercouli Heirlentz, CO of the 1st Eagle Wing here."
"Ah, excellent." The man said, rubbing his hands together. "Then we shall begin as soon as you are ready?"
"Everyone good to go?" A chorus of yes sirs and nods echoed around the stone walls, reflecting the sounds almost like they were standing in a microphone.
"Then let us begin." The Mayor took up his position on the podium in front of them and began a speech.
A speech that went on a bit, he reckoned from the… less than impressed looks of everyone there. Especially the poor sods filming the thing, who probably now wished they'd bought a tripod or a trolley of some kind, rather than just using their shoulders…
Still, the speech wasn't a bad one - thanking them for their service, and reading out a number of letters they'd received about their actions that day, before going on about how it is in the darkest times that the brightest light shines…
He wasn't so sure about that one, all things considered, but it wasn't really his place to speak out right now, so he kept quiet.
Eventually though, the speech ended, and the mayor retrieved a box from beside him. An ornately decorated box, with white and gold trim atop the blue package. "To the 1st Eagle Wing, it is my honour to award them this; the Key to the City of Bana. For services to the city and its occupants, and for shining brighter than even the darkest days, I humbly request one of you from each squadron to take the key."
The decision of who to send up was a pretty short one, settled by looking around at each other for about two seconds, before Asuna walked forward (or got nudged forward, he couldn't quite tell…) to take the boxed key from the mayor for the 303rd, Fanatio very much getting nominated to take it for the 301st… and before he could make any gesture of "don't you dare!" to the rest of his squadron, he found himself "volunteering" to do so for the 302nd.
"If you would like to give a brief introduction of yourselves for the audiences, we will continue."
The three of them looked at each other, before Fanatio went first. "I am Captain Fanatio, commanding officer of the 301st Fighter Squadron. Thank you for this honour."
"I'm Captain Jet Edmondson, commanding officer of the 302nd Fighter Squadron, and formerly of the Osean Navy. Umm, it's an honour to be up here, and umm…" Oh trust it to be now that he couldn't find any of the words to say!
"I'm Captain Asuna Yuuki, second in command of the 303rd Fighter Squadron." Asuna bailed him out, thankfully, by starting her own introduction. "Our CO was a bit shy, so I stepped in here." There was a small laugh from the audience. "But I'm thankful for the appreciation of our services to the people of Osea!"
There was a brief round of applause before the key was handed to them, along with a small medal pinned to each of their breast pockets as they turned to head back to their group. "As said earlier, the people of Osea all thank you for your service, and for your sacrifices to ensure those who cannot defend themselves have a defender up in the skies - the Guardian Eagles."
Oh that was not a good nickname, and the slight deflation of everyone gathered showed just how little they thought of the nickname, even if the sentiment behind it was very good…
The rest of the ceremony was much of a muchness, more speaking and more of his leg giving him grief about standing up stock still for nearly an hour straight, and eventually it would come to an end after the minute's silence for those that had been lost in the past months…
"Your leg's hurting, I take it?" Unusually, it was Itsuki who spoke up first. "Your leg is wobbling slightly." He told him, preempting his next question.
"It's nothing. Just standing up a bit too long, that's all."
"Sir, mind if we take a look around?"
"Sure, just remember; the bus back is at 4pm. See ya then." Bercouli told them before he wandered off.
"Is it just me, or do we get treated more like school kids than soldiers?" Tiese asked blithely, and found agreement from almost everyone gathered in the memorial.
An unfamiliar voice gave a gruff laugh from another part of the memorial. The man was clearly older, probably in his fifties at least, and wore the uniform of a Group Commander, a stark contrast to his tanned skin; skin that had clearly seen the wars, with a scar running past his eye… "That's just Bercouli for you. He's never understood how to command a unit."
"Sorry, umm, who are you, sir?"
"Oh, I was his CO all those years ago." The man explained, a story that checked out. "I should introduce myself, at least. Group Commander Vixur el Shasta, at your service."
The sound of many hands hitting heads in salute could probably be faintly heard around the arboretum at that one. "At ease, boys and girls. I've never been one for the stupid formalities either."
"How many names do you reckon are here, sir?"
"I couldn't even begin to guess, son. All I know is that it is far, far too many. Many of them the finest young men and women I ever met." Shasta sighed. "And now, a new generation suffers the same fate." He pointed to a familiar name on the memorial:
Flight Lt. Sierra Edmondson
It really was everyone on here then.
He wasn't sure why that felt so much worse to know. Maybe it was the sense of finality to it all - he knew that Sierra was dead, he'd seen and confirmed that with his own eyes after all, but to have it literally carved in stone…
Before they could really have any kind of discussion, the Group Commander started to walk away. "Well, it has been a pleasure to meet the students of my student, and I hope to meet you all again someday. Keep yourselves safe, would you?"
"We'll do our best, sir." Kirito gave him a salute as he walked off. "We'll do our best." He repeated quietly, a sense of frustration at something. Whatever it was though, Asuna seemed to be handling things with him, and the group had mostly left by this point, leaving him standing there, just reading the names of the dead…
"Captain, an aside, if you would?" Fanatio asked him, and he followed her out of the memorial and down to a nearby bench…
The arboretum was a quiet place, he thought as he sat down - the silent air of the countryside punctuated only by the rustling trees, a single bird in the trees above them... and the occasional rumble of a passing train off in the distance.
Fields went off in every direction from their location, and if you'd told him he was sat in the dead centre, he'd have believed it. It felt as if it went on forever - almost a metaphor for the eternal nature of war.
Many jobs would be rendered obsolete by the advance of technology; but soldier wasn't one of them. It merely evolved - a soldier of a hundred years ago might have had completely different equipment and training to a soldier of his time… but their job was always the same.
Go over there and kill or be killed.
As long as human nature stayed in play, that would be the way it always was. Lions led by donkeys, as someone had once said… and he hated that he found himself agreeing with that more than ever before.
"I suppose you're wondering why I bought you aside, Captain." He could guess why - to see that he wasn't alone in losing people in a sort of tough love way. Fanatio wasn't someone fond of sentiment, he imagined, and so that was the most plausible answer.
"I can take a guess."
"You imagine this is my way of telling you to man up, don't you?"
"Uhh…"
"It is not, I assure you." She laughed a little. "I am not that heartless. No, I wanted to remind you that, even in war, those we lose are not forgotten."
"Ma'am, it's not quite that simple. As much as losing Sierra hurts, I could handle that. It's a war, people die… as bleak as that sounds. I keep replaying that night in my head, and wondering if I could've done anything different… and the worst bit is, anything I did differently would've caused us to fail. Those missiles would've launched, and who knows where they were aimed?"
"The dilemma of a commander, Captain. Which do you prioritise: the mission or your people?"
"I'd rather I didn't have to make that choice."
"Perhaps. But if not you, then someone would have to make it, wouldn't they? Or at least, that is what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night…" Fanatio sighed, and it became apparent she was talking about herself in that comment.
He'd always wondered if the stone faced facade was her way of coping with that, or whether she was actually like that… but now?
He didn't.
"You tell yourself it was all for some greater good, and that those children died as the righteous… as if that would not be a kick in the teeth to their families. "Yes, your child died, but at least they were in the right…", I only know I would be apoplectic if I were told that about my son…"
Her son?
He supposed that made a little sense out of why he could feel an awkward sense of motherly responsibility coming from Fanatio sometimes, rather than as their superior officer…
"I hate being in charge Ma'am, I always have. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to shirk off any responsibilities, but…"
"Captain, how old are you?"
"Umm, 18 next month?" He answered, quickly doing the maths to calculate his actual age in his head - they had entered ACES in November, but it had started in October, so… "Yeah, next month, I think."
"You are still a child, burdened with the responsibilities of those that train for years. For what it is worth, I never wanted to be in charge either, and I am almost a decade your elder… just remember something I have learned the hard way. You are not alone, and delegating things does not make you a bad leader."
"Ma'am, it's easy to say that when my issue isn't so much being in charge, but being in charge as my squadron implodes."
His interpretation of what Fanatio had said earlier about being a mother was confirmed as she gave him a motherly smile, and one that he could almost detect a bit of wistfulness to… "Jet, if that were true, I doubt that most of your flight would be so eaten up about this. A squabble between friends like this is normal, especially at your ages, and definitely as your emotions run high."
Perhaps she was right, that he was making it sound more like a disaster in his head, rather than the squabble between aggrieved friends that it really was…
/-/
Walking around, Jet found himself pausing to sit down and rest. The arboretum was as massive as it was quiet, and he took note of the memorial he had sat opposite - a memorial from the Showman's Guild of Osea, an organisation he could honestly say he had never even once heard of.
He supposed it made sense though - showmen had to have existed, and so, a showman's guild was an obvious next step. Still, it really did hammer something home to him, something he also never really thought about whenever he'd been around war cemeteries before:
Every single one of these people had a life that they had lost.
He wasn't stupid or callous enough to believe they were just a statistic, but it was hard to really imagine what these people had been like in life - were they nice, were they kind, were they a joker or were they comically serious? What had they achieved before they died, and what had they been doing before they came here?
In the case of the showman's memorial, that realisation had hit him like a tonne of bricks - these people had spent their lives entertaining others, bringing joy to people… and their lives had ended in absolute horror, fighting a war over a piece of land that probably felt like some kind of forever war.
If there's some kind of justice in the world, it had a fucking strange way of showing it's existence, he thought bitterly.
"Guess there's a way to shut you up after all, huh?" His bitter anger at the universe was interrupted by the psychopath standing at the entrance of the shelter. "Wondered when you'd finally realise all this."
Realise what, he thought to himself. He'd almost wish Pitohui would be as blunt as usual and just spit out what she meant…
"Huh, so this is how far I've fallen - being lectured by the resident psycho." He mumbled to himself.
"You lot might think I'm a psycho, but tell me this - any of the people I've killed… were any of them innocent? Would they have come back again if I hadn't killed 'em?"
He paused to think about it.
As far as they were aware, her list of murders were all confined to the enemy, and as bad as it sounded… She was probably the ideal soldier to some commanders; tearing through the enemy like a hot knife through butter.
That didn't absolve her of actual murder though, and she could rationalise it all she liked, it didn't change that fact.
"Like it or not, we're fighting a war out here, and I don't intend to end up like this lot. A name on a stone somewhere. If that means I have to take other lives to keep my own… then yeah, I'm a psycho. Think that one over."
And so she left him to do exactly that, walking off out into the fields.
He'd have almost believed her - and he did believe that she believed all of that - but that justification only went so far. Pitohui enjoyed the fight, and perhaps she was motivated by survival… but that didn't explain that she enjoyed the bloodshed brought about in her path; that she wore every murder like a badge of honour.
He wondered if she even knew she thought that though, or was she just as deluded as anyone who thought this honourable?
"Oh, it's just you." Before he could even finish thinking about the rest of his rant about Pitohui's dubious morality, he was interrupted by her partner. "You haven't seen Pito have you? I turned around and she was gone…"
"She went that way." He pointed in the direction she'd ran off with his stick.
17 years of age, and he already felt like his grandfather… yay, he thought bitterly, almost anticipating the back pains.
"I'll let her wear herself out a bit. Makes chasing after her a little easier." LLENN sighed, and took a seat next to him. "It's a lot more grim out here when you feel like someone you know's out there, huh?"
"You lost someone too?"
"Yeah, before we joined up with Bercouli's lot. We used to be a flight of four - myself, Pito, Fuka and M. Belkans ambushed us one evening as we were returning from an interception… we didn't stand a chance."
"Sorry for your loss."
"It's weird we always say that, even if we don't have any fault, right?" He always forgot that LLENN was actually an adult - when you were only just about tall enough to see out the cockpit without a booster seat, he supposed that was commonplace. "But yeah, thanks. Sorry for yours too. Losing someone you trust sucks."
"Tell me about it." He snorted. "Worst bit is, I know he'd be telling me to pull my head out of my arse and get on with what needs to be done. I just can't though…"
LLENN didn't say anything in response, and he imagined that she was thinking that he needed to grow up a little - wouldn't be the first time someone thought that about him anyway.
"You aren't the only one to feel like that. We never had time to grieve, not really. I think that made it a little easier, if I'm honest. I've not got any answers really, but I think you just have to keep going - live for those who can't live anymore. That's my way of looking at it." The smaller girl in the pink flight suit kicked off the bench to stand up. "Well, I'd better go make sure Pito doesn't do something too stupid when she's unsupervised…"
"Thanks." He gave a half hearted smile.
"We're all in this sinking ship together, aren't we?" LLENN told him as she left, and he was left to look out at the memorial for another few minutes. Even with his eyes closed, he could still vividly picture those last few seconds on Adamas - bullets whizzing past him, explosions in the distance and the orange hue of the night sky, lit up by the inferno in the distance…
He grimaced and opened his eyes. "Well, if I wasn't an insomniac before, I am now…" He grumbled to himself.
"Oh." His bitter anger at the universe was interrupted by Kureha pausing at the entrance to the shelter he was sitting in. She looked startled to see him there, and seemed as if she wanted the world to swallow her whole for the awkward encounter. "Umm, sorry, I can come back when you've gone."
"Kureha…"
There was a telling silence between them as she turned away, and he could see her shaking slightly. Was she still angry? Was she upset at him not immediately lamping her for what she'd said? "I hate all this." She spoke quietly. "I don't want it to be like this."
Despite his sadness at what she'd said; a sadness that had soon morphed into anger and pain at the fact she wished he hadn't come back, he hated seeing her like this too.
She was one of his best friends, damn it, and here she was in this state. Hell, they were both right states at the moment - even with Eydis fixing up his hand, the bandage was a reminder of his anger…
"Same here." He admitted.
"What I said the other day… I didn't mean it. I said and then, I just thought "why the hell did I say that, I don't think that at all!", and… thank you for not just trying to beat me senseless for that."
"Did… did you actually think I would?" He asked, looking down at his bandaged fist, a reminder that perhaps it wasn't such a ridiculous thought that he might have snapped at her instead of a mirror…
"I wasn't sure. I was scared that I was pushing it too far, and you'd just snap. Or that I would just snap, and…"
"Fucking hell, we screwed this up, didn't we?"
Kureha nodded sadly as she sat beside him on the concrete bench. "Guess Cody was the only reason we never fell apart like this before, huh?"
"I think it was more trauma on our parts." He thought aloud. "Momiji, I know we're gonna struggle a bit, but I'd rather we struggle together, than struggle against each other, y'know?"
"I know, and what I said about you being a murderer… I-I-"
"I forgive you." He told her, and remembered something. "Umm, I know this isn't much, but…" He pulled the picture that he'd recovered off Sierra from his pocket and handed it to her.
"That was our first mission, right?"
"I think so, yeah. Excalibur didn't have any of its markings on yet, so it must've been pretty much day one then."
Kureha sniggered slightly. "I can't believe you called it that. Or that we let you call it that."
"Yeah, well…" He thought about it, and realised that name had dropped away very quickly. Although naming your aircraft was a time honoured tradition, naming it after a sacred sword was usually an excellent way to get the piss taken out of you.
"So… we're friends again, right?"
"Yeah." He held a hand out to her, and only then realised it was his bad hand.
A hand Kureha hadn't noticed until now. "Wait, what the hell happened to your hand?!"
"Boxing match with a mirror."
"You lost, I assume."
"Neither of us walked away from it unscathed, let's just say that." He undersold that it was more a loss for him than it was the inanimate object, and moved on. "I kinda see why we got brought here."
"It's hard to process all of this. I get this is every single war Osea's been in for… what, a century, but… this place is huge. It's bigger than Bana is, and this isn't even the graves, just the memorials."
"I don't even want to imagine how big the cemetery would be. This place is already bigger than the village next door…" He'd been paying attention as they drove here, and he'd realised the sheer scale of the place when compared to the nearby village - the arboretum dwarfed it.
"Umm, Jet, I know I'm going to regret asking this, but… was it at least quick?" Kureha asked, looking away with her teeth meshing together, and he almost immediately understood the true nature of her question:
Had Sierra suffered?
"Our seats failed. Mine nearly took my leg off, but his…" He grimaced at the thought, but found a morbid solace in knowing that his best friend hadn't been in agony for hours after hitting the ground - he'd almost certainly died on impact. "He didn't suffer, 'Reha. It was quick, yeah."
"When I said you were a murderer…"
"I thought this was water under the bridge?"
"Shut up a sec and let me speak." She told him, and he shut up. "I know it's horrible, but I thought you'd been captured, and… well, Cody had tried to defend you. That's why I called you a murderer; I was so angry I…"
He shook his head. "He was gone long before I found him."
Kureha snorted, and he didn't have to be telepathic to know she was blaming herself for this entire conflict - she always did. "I made up a situation and got angry at you for something that never happened. What the hell is wrong with me?" She said bitterly.
"You lost your best friend and got next to no info about what was happening. I'm not happy about you deciding I was the cause of it-" He watched her wince at the frank admission there. "-but, it wasn't unreasonable to assume I screwed things up. Wouldn't be the first time."
To his surprise, she laughed a little under her breath. Not much, but enough that it confused him massively. "What's funny? Did I say a funny thing?"
"No, just thinking… Maybe we dodged a bullet with dating. If we're this bad at communicating as friends…"
He shuddered at the thought - their relationship status would've been a revolving door, wouldn't it?
"You might have a point there." He admitted. "For what it's worth though, I love you. Same way I love Zel, and hell, even Itsuki and the same way I loved Cody. I wouldn't trade you lot for the world…"
Kureha, ever the tsundere type, he'd long since realised, went bright red in embarrassment. "Sheesh, imagine if Eydis heard you saying that to me!"
"She'd be happy I'm not half as stuck up about this sort of stuff as I was when we met." He rebuked. "Hell, she was the one telling me not to hold anything against you, because we're both in the same mess."
"I never stood a chance, did I?" Kureha sighed with a little laugh.
"How'd you mean?"
"You'll get it one day, Michael." Kureha smiled, and shook her head. "I suppose all of this helped put things in perspective a little."
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…"
"Please don't turn into Itsuki. One tortured poetry geek is enough, thanks." Kureha sighed, and he snorted in amusement.
As utterly miserable as the last few days had been, there was something nice about being able to sit around and joke about stuff as friends again, especially after all of the stuff they had both said…
It'd never be the same again, he knew that much, but considering that "the same" had led to this, maybe a bit of change was not such a bad idea.
Sometimes.
{Author's Comments}
This was a long one to write - admittedly not helped by me having only nailed down an actual plan for the last three chapters of this arc whilst I was writing them - as it's been on the board since at least June 2024.
The Arboretum mentioned is based off a real place - the National Memorial Arboretum in Staffordshire, just off the A38/A513 at Alrewas. It's certainly worth a visit if you ever find yourselves in the area.
I'll now be taking a break for January 2025, so the next chapter will be up in early February, ready for a new arc of the story, and a considerably more cheerful arc too. If you want to give me feedback, ask questions or even just talk about stuff, I have a Discord server for this story: https: double slash discord dot gg / NVZMbuKG38 (replace the words with the respective characters)
I wish all of my readers a safe and happy New Year, and I'll be back in early February with chapter 26!
Signing off for the final time of 2024,
Midland 2541
