(Eddie)
The sun painted the sky in shades of sherbet orange and pink, chasing the remnants of the night away. Up on the roof Eddie watched as the city began to blossom to life. He looked out over the expanse of black top, steel, concrete, and glass wondering where within all of that was Buck. Was he in the basement of some long forgotten house ready to be razed by the city? Bound and gagged on the top floor of a mostly empty office building? The more he questioned it the more disturbing the scenarios his brain cooked up and eventually he turned his back to the city closed his eyes.
"Everything okay, Eddie?"
He opened his eyes to find Bobby standing there. "Sure. Fine and dandy," he lied.
"You really think I'm gonna believe that? I assume you feel as torn up inside as I do. Desperate to do something and yet there is nothing to do but wait and ponder, let the guilt gnaw away at us every passing second."
As he spoke Bobby's voice took on a tone that sounded alarm bells. While he'd spoken to Bobby briefly before and knew how Cap was beating himself up over Buck's disappearance, Eddie found himself truly studying Bobby for the first time in days. What he saw standing before him was a man on the edge, a man tormented by ghosts that refused to let him go, to let him be, a man who cared so deeply for his friends and family that he was slowly losing his grip. Bobby's eyes were tired, his usual commanding presence somewhat diminished. As soon as the idea crossed his mind, Eddie closed the distance between them and gathered Bobby in a hug, as much for himself as for Bobby.
Neither of them spoke for a few breaths.
Eddie meant the gesture to offer strength to a man who'd been there for him many times, instead, he felt himself break and fall apart. Tears he'd held back since seeing the blood in the Jeep sprang forth, racing down his cheeks, and without Bobby having hold of him he'd have fallen, his knees suddenly weak.
"I fucked up. I fucked up so bad."
Eddie clung to Bobby, fingers curled into the back of his friend's shirt. All the hurt, the heartache, it broke free of the dam he locked it behind, sweeping through him. Even the strong could only hold it together for so long. On shift he did everything within his power to remain focused on the job, to keep the others from seeing the pain inside. And after work, when Christopher asked about Buck, if they'd found him yet, he shoved the pain aside again, downplaying the severity of the situation.
It was only a matter of time until the cracks became canyons and the grief ran free.
Eventually, Bobby managed to get him seated in a chair, pulling one up right across from him, and a fresh wave of guilt rolled over him. Here I am saddling him with yet another problem. One more person to be concerned about. I wanted to make him feel better. Eddie mentally kicked himself.
Bobby put a hand on his knee. "At this point I think it's safe to say we're all trying to figure out the parts we played, and you know what? In the end, none of us are to blame. This man targeted Buck. I honestly believe none of us could have stopped it."
The agony in his eyes betrayed him. Eddie swiped a hand over his face, recalling a time in his childhood when he sat in tears being soothed by his mom. "It's not entirely that."
"Oh?"
"I never should have sent him away that night."
"You did the right thing by calling me."
Eddie shook his head. The last few nights he'd barely slept, checking his phone nearly every hour to see if he might have missed a text, a call. He became overly acquainted with the sounds of his house, the surrounding neighborhood , and the rhythm of his own breathing. All while his thoughts tumble over each other in effort to sort themselves out. The truth lay buried, ducking behind this memory or that one, elusive and fleeting, but eventually he grasped hold of it. He played it over and over, examined it from every angle and the conclusion was always the same.
"Bobby…" He looked his captain, his mentor in the eye. "I think I love him."
XxXxXxXxX
(Bobby)
He lied.
To each and every one of them.
His whole team.
After a string of calls, one in which he made a poor judgement call which thankfully was caught by Hen, he pulled Hen aside and announced she was in charge the rest of the shift, he wasn't feeling good. To some degree I suppose it's the truth. Without a word to anyone else he ducked out and left, getting in his truck and driving. At one point he realized he'd driven to the spot of Buck's Jeep—wonder where it is now—and parked along the curb, trying to imagine how Buck must have felt when the attack happened.
From there Bobby made his way to the bench Athena told him about, the one Lawrence Ray sat on to take his life. Settling on the wood, looking out over the expanse of city, he tried to put himself in Lawrence's shoes and failed. He'd done questionable things in his life, one of which led to the ruining of Lawrence's life—and how we have come full circle in that regard—but kidnapping someone? Holding them hostage?
When his phone rang, a call from Athena, he sent it to voice-mail.
From there he drove around more, tormented by worries and concerns, guilt and grief, and degree of self-loathing.
"Should you be sitting here?"
Bobby blinked, tearing his gaze from the empty shot glass on the bar in front of him in time to watch as Karen took the stool next to him. "Karen."
"Yep, it's me."
"What are you doing here?"
"I should be asking you that."
"Hm."
"Bobby, should I call someone?"
And pile the guilt on another? "No."
"Then please tell me why you're here." He saw her gaze darted to the empty glass.
Why I'm here? Because, to paraphrase Eddie, I fucked up. I keep bouncing back and forth between I'm not to blame and this is all on me. A man who looked up to me could possibly be dying or even dead at this point and what am I doing to help find him? I'm barely holding myself together, never mind tending those who rely on me. And today Eddie poured his heart out to me, breaking down in tears and confessing he may share the same feelings Buck does, but will he ever get a chance to tell him? To figure out if they're real? How does he talk to his son about any of this? Hell, what does he tell Christopher if we fail to find Buck in time? Is everyone looking at me like I should be doing more? Is it all in my head? Why am I being cursed to yet again lose a son? When will the universe stop punishing me and those I love?
"What am I doing here?" He echoed her question.
Much in the way he attempted to offer comfort to Eddie, Karen placed a hand on his wrist. With her other she snatched up the shot glass and placed it out of his reach. "You all go through the worst days of other people's lives. You've all experienced more hurts than any of you deserve. You're good people. You're a family. You're always there for each other, and I'm blessed to be part of it, even if mostly on the fringes.
"Hen told me about how Buck pushed you, how he made you mad, and broke you in a way none of them could before," she continued. "It doesn't surprise me in the least that his disappearance is breaking you all over again."
That's one way of putting it.
"But this is never the answer. Think about Buck."
"All I do is think about Buck," snapped, slamming his palm against the bar. "He should be here."
"Should he? Because you shouldn't be and I believe he'd be disappointed that you are."
