You were never here in the first place
Standing in front of Shepard's office, her hands suddenly felt clammy. A sick feeling settled heavy in her stomach. He was going to kick her off the Normandy as soon as she entered, she was sure of it. The thought literally made her feel sick as she realized she didn't want to leave.
Not now, not like this. It would be Earth all over again. A failure, everyone would think 'crazy' was all there was to her. The things she fixed and upgraded didn't matter. Her inventions on Earth hadn't mattered in the end. Then why was she trying so very hard to prove herself here?
Easy question though, wasn't it?
She knew, being sent away to a different place where she could fit in had nothing to do with her well fare and everything to do with wanting to be rid of her. Dani had experience with that enough times by now. She really didn't want to get discarded again. Put aside like dirty rags. Unworthy, unwanted.
She licked her dry lips with her tongue. It didn't help much, the inside of her mouth was just as dry. Was it really so much to ask to want someone to see past her awkwardness? She thought at least the Torques understood her to some level. Or at least Alex. In the end, even they had sent her away. For one more person to discard her like . . . She shook her head furiously. Don't go there!
". . . Nobody will find you. You were never here in the first place."
"You're not really here," she whispered. "You're just a ghost."
She quickly rapped her knuckles against the door before she lost her nerve.
"Come in," she heard him say. When the door swished open she nearly tripped inside. His gaze settled on her from his work and she found she couldn't read him. Instead of coming forward with what she'd been working on, like she had planned to, all she could do was stare at him with all the words stuck somewhere in her throat. Frozen to the spot, she merely awaited her fate.
"Dani," Shepard finally said, sounding mildly surprised. "What can I do for you. How are you feeling?"
She felt her jaw go slack, felt her carefully constructed mask falter on her face. She had prepared herself for everything. Anger, disappointment, accusation. Just not compassion.
"I- I can't," she stammered while that sick feeling slowly came crawling up from her stomach.
"I just. . . I can't . . . " Hell, she was gonna hurl!
She turned on her heels and fled the office. Outside she bumped into some technician and the force sent her tumbling to the floor. Right there she lost the battle. She gagged, her stomach lurched and she purged its contents all over the floor, her slender frame heaving in the process.
"The rest room is right around the corner, you moron!" Ashley's indignant shout seemed to come from very far away.
"Williams, I swear . . . One more insult coming from you and I will have you court-martialled for insubordination!"
Dear God, he followed me? Why?
When she could finally see through the blurry haze again and saw her handiwork on the floor, she moaned in despair. She struggled to get herself under control but it was so damn hard!
"It's okay Dani, don't get yourself worked up and don't mind Ashley. No harm done."
She felt like she should recognize the concerned voice, but she couldn't. Comforting arms on both sides helped her get up. The janitor was already busy cleaning up the mess by chucking a few disposable towels at it.
It was Tali and Liara who gently tried to lead her away but Dani braced herself and refused to take a single step. She knew what had to be done. Their kindness would only give birth to a sliver of hope and that would just make it all the harder. This time it would be on her terms.
"Don't," she begged. "I have to go."
When they released their hold on her, she quickly marched to her bunk. She didn't dare look back for fear what she might read on their faces. It was futile to resist or claim anything else. . .
It was time to go. If the Commander hadn't already considered it, he would by now. Or at least he should. She just wanted the dignity to leave by her own choice. Just once. When tears started to blur her vision she pushed them back. Not now. When she was on a shuttle, on her way to someplace else she might better fit in, then she could shatter.
First she needed to complete her little project. A small token of gratitude for Shepard taking this long shot with her. Even though she knew Anderson was probably the one who forced him into it.
For the so maniest time she gathered her few belongings, then gathered her sketches and equations pertaining to her little gift and bound them neatly in a file. Now she just had to summon up enough courage to face Commander Shepard. Again.
