Clay

I just want to forget. About Hannah, Justin, Jeff. Fucking Monty and Bryce. All of it. I buried that shit back in Crestmont with Hannah's tapes and I'm starting over here at Brown. The world is my oyster or some shit so I'm not sure why I was rude to the girl sitting across of me in my economics lecture but when she finally found the nerve to speak to me I barely looked her way, mumbling a gruff hello before nodding to the professor who hadn't even started speaking yet.

I spent the rest of the day picturing her surprised blue eyes and the pout that fell to her soft lips, my harsh greeting leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I was taken back at how pretty she is - long blonde hair cascading past her shoulders in soft waves, blue eyes that almost looked gray - blunt white teeth sinking into her full bottom lip as she waited patiently for me to acknowledge her. Girls like her didn't talk to me.

Why was I such a dick to her though? She only said hello. College was about meeting new people - making new friends and I brushed her off like a complete asshole.

I fall in love with girls to fast and to hard and I don't want to make the same mistakes from high school here. I don't want to fall in love again - ever - you just open yourself up to more pain and suffering and I've had enough of that shit for a lifetime.

So why did I dream about gun metal blue eyes last night?

The next morning I'm silently willing her to turn around so I can apologize for yesterday - so I can see her eyes again. I study each shiny strand of her white blonde hair idly wondering if it's as soft as it looks then I push myself back in my chair with a quiet groan. To fast and to hard.

I'm pathetic.

I tap my pencil on the edge of my book desperate to get her attention, sitting up straighter when she finally glances behind herself and meets my panicked eyes. "Hi, um. I'm sorry about yesterday. I was rude." I'm completely fucked up. You need to run screaming in the opposite direction of me. I will ruin your fucking life. "I'm Clay. Jensen."

The smile that lights up her face pulls me forward as a rush of adrenaline fills my chest and forces me to glance away quickly. To hard and to fast.

"Hi Clay Jensen. I'm Ava. It's nice to meet you."

It won't be. Nothing nice will ever come from meeting me.

x

Clay

You really do have a thing for complicated girls.

Except Ava isn't complicated. She's not self-centered or seeking anyone's validation. She's cool in the simplest way. We've shared some notes after class a few times in the past two weeks but she doesn't linger - giving me all the rope I need to hang myself with. I wince at the analogy and glance up from my notebook - meeting blue gray eyes and a smile that could stop a train.

"Do you want to do something after class? Like go get food or coffee?"

The thought of spending time with her outside of this classroom sends a thrill through me that quickly turns to fear. First it's coffee, then a movie and then you're helplessly in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. Who's just looking to have fun in college. I push the thought of Heidi from my mind and force a smile. "Um, I actually have to uh. I've got to—-."

"Clay, you can just say no. It's fine." Ava assures me, her smile never wavering as she stands to gathers her things, brushing a strand of blonde hair from her face as our eyes meet again. There's no sign of disappointment on her pretty face, just understanding and acceptance - two things completely foreign to me. "Uh, no. I mean, yes. Shit. Can I get a rain check?"

A soft laugh rushes from her chest as she nods and turns to another classmate offering them the same invitation and my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach as they accept the offer with grace. Only an idiot would pass up the opportunity to spend time with her. What the fuck is wrong with me?

"See you later Clay."

I can't will my eyes to look away as she disappears out the door with a group of girls taking her amazing smile with her.

X

I thought I knew weird. Hell I thought I was weird but my college roommate is fucking weird. Like hiding dismembered stray cats under your bed weird. He mostly sits on his computer tapping away at some game that even looks to dorky for me - which is saying something since I was in a dungeons and dragons club my freshmen year at Liberty but he's nice enough and keeps his side of the room clean so what more could I ask for?

I close my biology book gently as to not disturb David's intense gaming and glance out the window where a group of students walk leisurely down a well manicured path to gather around a bench, familiar white blonde hair catching the fading sun as Ava takes a seat flashing her radiant smile.

I squint and then stand up from my bed too quickly, pulling David's attention away from his game with a grunt. "Where are you—-?" I'm already halfway out the door and jogging down the hallway. Ever since I blew Ava off that day her smiles have been fading, her greetings not as often and I've lost more sleep staring up at the ceiling in my dorm room than I'd care to admit.

"Clay!"

I'm so close to Ava she turns her attention towards me as Heidi calls my name, stopping me in my tracks. "Clay! How are you?" My eyes lock with Ava's who's watching me carefully as I turn to Heidi and smile, running a hand through my messy hair as she closes the space between us and hugs me. Shit.

"I haven't seen you in a while." Well, that's because I spent the entire summer with you - confessed my undying love for you after orientation then got my heart broke for my trouble. Again.

"Yeah, uh. Just busy with classes. How are you?"

You told me we could still be friends - still hookup if I wanted but I don't want that. I want something real. Something I've never had before. Something I'll probably never find.

"I'm good. My classes are so crazy. Environmental science is already kicking my ass."

I nod and have no idea what to say. "We should get together sometime and catch up."

"Yeah. Sure."

No way in hell that's happening. Heidi is here for the experience. Frat parties and all night keg stands - she's trying to soak it all in and that's something I'm not interested in. I've been to enough parties to last a lifetime. Trust me.

"Okay well you look determined to get somewhere. Sorry to keep you I just wanted to say hi." I nod again forcing a smile as her lips brush against my cheek and then she's gone as quickly as she appeared causing a deep blush to rush to my face. I turn my attention back to Ava but the bench is empty. Fuck.

X

Ava

Clay Jensen is not interested in you.

He's here to get an education - like I'm supposed to be doing - not smiling at boys and asking them out for coffee. Plus it's painfully obvious that girl from yesterday is more than just an acquaintance - he actually gave her his full attention and she kissed him goodbye. He's not into you Ava. I lean back in my chair and try to focus on the professors monotone voice and not Clay staring a hole in the back of my skull. I can feel his eyes on me like he's desperately trying to get my attention. He knows we're in college now, right? He can just speak to me like an adult - he doesn't have to ask permission.

I refuse to look at him though. A fool me twice kind of thing so I sit and map out a plan in my head on how I can avoid him for the rest of my life. I do not need any reminders of how alone I feel here at Brown University. The professor mentions a few chapters we should study for a test later in the week then the class starts to file out of the room quickly. I stay in my seat hoping to give Clay a head start to his next class to avoid anymore embarrassment. When I finally stand he's still sitting behind me looking down at his notebook lost in his thought.

"Clay?"

I watch his eyes lift to mine then around the thinning room. "Shit." Clay closes his book and tosses it in his bag, standing and turning to leave before turning back to me quickly. "I'm uh, sorry that I missed you yesterday. I saw you outside and wanted to ask you about that rain check for the coffee?"

"Oh." That's surprising. Clay's the first person I've met here that truly gave me the fuck off vibe but everyone else I meet just want to get drunk and party. I'm not here for that. I figure Clay has a psycho girlfriend who would kill us both if she caught him speaking to me or maybe he's just a woman hater in general but he actually wants to hang out? With me? I brush my hair from my eyes and smile at the thought of getting coffee with him.

"Y-yeah. That would be great."

"Want to go now or...?"

"Now's great."

For the first time since I've met him Clay Jensen actually smiles and it takes my breath away. He is so handsome, in an adorable kind of way. "You have a great smile." I assure him quietly because it's true - watching it spread across his face as he lifts his backpack to his shoulder and guides me to the door.

X

Clay

"My dad's working three jobs to help me here so I can't mess this up."

It's hard to pull my gaze from Ava's mouth, watching her swirl her iced coffee with her straw before taking a long drink. The way her eyes close like it's the best thing she's ever tasted makes my throat go dry. All I have is hot black coffee to try and wet it.

"Yeah, my parents expect a lot out of me here too so I'm trying to skip the party scene."

God her smile is like seeing the ocean for the first time. Mesmerizing and I really want to run my thumb along her bottom lip to test its softness - which is really fucking weird Clay - get your shit together. Ava giggles before taking another drink and we fall into a comfortable silence, glancing around the busy coffee shop as students come and go between classes.

"Do you have any siblings?"

It's an innocent question. Common among strangers trying to get to know one another better but the thought of Justin sends a surge of pain into my chest and I drop her gaze, staring into the dark cup.

"Um, no. Not really."

Ava waits for me to elaborate as I lift my eyes to hers again.

"My parents were going to adopt my best friend..., his name was Justin but he um, passed away right before graduation."

Her frown may be even more beautiful than her smile if that's possible. Her eyebrows pull together with concern and that mysterious bottom lip pouts out just enough to make me wish I could kiss her and take all of her pain away.

"Clay. I'm so sorry."

She doesn't ask me how Justin died and that floods me with relief as I nod and ask her about her own siblings. Or the lack there of seeing as she's an only child too and when I ask her about growing up her words come out to quiet. "It was pretty lonely."

...and I feel that in my soul.

X

"I think my roommates going to kill me."

Ava's head jolts up from her book as she turns to me, those concerned eyebrows pulling together again. It's been over a month since we got coffee and now she sits beside me instead of in front of me in our economics lecture - her left arm pressed lightly against my right every morning. Sometimes we both rest our elbows at nearly the same time and our fingers almost touch. It sends a shock of electricity through my body every time but I never can will myself to glance her way to catch her reaction.

I fall for girls to hard and to fast.

"What?"

I look up at her trying to remember what I've just said. Oh, David. He's definitely weirder than me.

"You know that urban legend if your roommate commits suicide you automatically get a 4.0 for the semester?"

It's my turn for concern to wash over me as Ava's blue eyes go wide and her body goes rigid at my side. She's not even breathing now as she nods her head slightly, locking her gaze with mine. Shit. I shouldn't have mentioned it but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't freaking me out a little. David talks about some dark shit sometimes even if he does try to laugh it off afterwards. Now I lay awake staring at the dorm room ceiling for two reasons.

"David mentions that shit all the time. He's like obsessed with it."

Ava doesn't say anything at first, her eyes never leaving mine as she slowly allows air back into her lungs. "Thats really weird. You need to request a transfer to another dorm - you can come over to mine anytime you want. My roommate is never there. She's totally sleeping with one of her professors - she stays at his place most nights unless they're fighting or his wife's home then she just stays with another guy." I lift an eyebrow at her words, a nervous laugh rushing from my lungs at the thought as she finally smiles at me.

"I may take you up on that sometime. I need to study but it's hard to concentrate when he's there."

"I can imagine. Do you have your phone?"

My phone? "Y-Yeah." I pull it from my pocket and offer it to her - watching as she holds top of hers to the top of mine and name drops her info into my iPhone. I share my info to hers and meet her eyes again. "Call me if your roommate gets weird. I'll come over and tase him." A smile pulls at my lips as she turns to her bag quickly. "Actually. Just take this. I'll get another one. Zap the shit out of that asshole if he tries to fuck with you." She hands over a small device no bigger than my palm, quickly showing me how to use it.

"T-thanks." This may come in handy if David's grades start slipping before I can find another dorm. Ava just smiles and turns her attention back to the professor - her arm falling back into place beside mine.

X

"Come on Clay! You're literally on the Dean's list - you can come to one party. Everyone's going to be there."

How I keep running into Heidi is beyond me. I just want to get through this semester and not get murdered by my weird roommate. (I check his grades more than I check my own - thankfully he's still got a 3.8 average.) I don't want to go to a frat house party tonight. I don't want to get drunk and hook up with Heidi. I need to study for an exam next week which is damn near impossible with David's constant clicking on his computer all night.

"I appreciate the invite Heidi but I'm uh, studying later with a group."

Clay, you can just say no. It's fine.

"Are you dating that blonde girl I always see you with?" I lift my eyes to Heidi's before they narrow. "I'm not dating anyone." As if it's any of her business. She just wants to be friends anyway - wants to explore all her options in college. Why does she care if I date someone else?

"Oh. It just seems like you're together when I see you."

Ava and I ran into Heidi outside of my dorm room last week. I guess to the outside world maybe we look like we're together. We were walking close together, she smells like vanilla all the time and it draws me to her like bees to honey. She was showing me some dumb video on her phone - we were laughing and I touched the small of her back to guide her around some jerk taking up too much room on the sidewalk. Heidi was walking behind the jerk and when our eyes met briefly I idly slid my hand around Ava's waist to pull her closer to me.

I introduced them both as a friend and we parted ways quickly. How she got we were dating from a thirty second meeting is beyond me. Now Heidi and I stand in awkward silence for a minute before I make up some more bullshit about having to go - stalking off from her quickly. It's not her fault I don't know how to be casual friends with someone. I don't know how to just hook-up with one girl and move on to the next. My brain isn't wired that way. I make connections. I fall in love to fast. To hard. Heidi and I spent the summer together - coffee and movies. She kissed me when I dropped her off one night not long after graduation - sinking her hands into my hair as she pushed me into the door of her parent's house whispering how they weren't home and that she really wanted me but it turns out she just wanted to have sex. Maybe with as many people as possible in the next four years - no judgement here - but while she was hooking up I was falling in love with her, just like I had with every girl that showed me an ounce of attention before her.

So no, Ava isn't my girlfriend. She's a girl that's a friend. I don't want to ruin what we have with that shit even if I do think about what it would be like to be with her every waking minute of my existence. She's here to get an education. Just like me.

After my last class I head to the library to study physics alone but as I step into the large building I spot Ava at a desk, her white blonde hair falling around her in soft waves. She looks so fucking beautiful it causes me physical pain, bringing my hand to my chest to massage the tight feeling just below my heart. I stand just inside the library watching her - the way her eyes move along the pages of the book she's reading, how her oversized gray sweat shirt hangs past her shoulder exposing smooth skin and when her tongue moves across her bottom lip my heart seizes in my chest - moving me forward.

X

Ava

I glance up as someone flops down in the chair across from me, eyes going wide as I realize it's Clay - his smile warming me from the inside out as I say hello. I try to hide my excitement. I try to play it cool around him but this boy makes my heart skip beats whenever he's around. I try not to fall for him every single day. He's not here for that. Neither am I.

"Do you want to go get something to eat?"

I blink at his words and close my book. Absolutely yes. "Um, sure." Whatever. I shrug my exposed shoulder but my smile gives it all away making his spread and light up his perfect blue eyes. Fifteen minutes later we're sitting together on the Little Bear fountain sharing French Fries as I quiz him on physics. He's going to get an A of course but I ask him a few questions twice just to keep him with me a while longer.

X

Clay

Ava sinks into the seat beside me sending the delicious smell of vanilla into my lungs as she hands me a disposable cup of coffee, the smile on her face bringing a surge of pleasure to my chest. "I brought you some old man coffee." She says with a laugh, looking up at me through her dark lashes. "Thanks. You didn't have to—-."

"I wanted to."

I smile and thank her again as she brings her own drink to her lips. It's some kind of creamy green concoction that looks disgusting.

"What is that?"

"Iced matcha latte." She offers it to me with her perfect smile and the thought of putting my lips on something that she's had her lips on makes my heart beat harder as I take a quick pull from the straw. Yep, disgusting. I try not to make a face and obviously fail as Ava's soft laugh fills my head. "Sorry. It's definitely not for everyone."

"No, it's good—-." We stare at each other seriously for a minute then laugh loud enough for a few students to turn around and glare at us, which only makes us laugh harder. "You're a terrible liar."

"Yeah. I really am. I try not to do it but... I wanted to impress you."

Her smile falls and that seriousness returns, her eyes searching mine. Suddenly we're not in economics anymore - where nowhere, surrounded by nothing and there's just Ava. Her eyes fall to my lips or maybe I imagine it because in the next moment the professor is asking me a question that awards me a grin from my company.

X

Ava's still sipping on her green drink when I see her again standing in the hallway talking to a group of girls but when she sees me she gives me her full attention. Another thing foreign to me. I don't turn girls heads.

"Hey, gramps." She nods to my own coffee cup, nearly empty but for reasons I can't explain still grasped tightly in my right hand. "Hey." I say with a smile as she tells her friends bye and closes the space between us quicky.

"How was the physics exam?"

"Definitely aced it - thanks to you."

Ava laughs and to my utter amazement she reaches out to touch my stomach, her fingertips grazing my abs as she pulls the material of my shirt between her fingers.

"All I did was read some flash cards - that A is all yours."

I look between us where her thumb brushes against my dark blue shirt then watch as her hand falls to her side quickly. If I was anyone else - if I had an ounce of coursge I would kiss her, right here in the mathematics hallway. I would sink my hands into her sun kissed hair and kiss her like my very life depends on it but courage isn't my strong suit and kissing girls only leads to disaster.

"I've got to get to class but um, if you want to come over and watch a movie tonight my roommates still in Fiji with her other more age appropriate boyfriend."

Her smile is still radiant but I can't seem to find mine. "Uh..., yeah. Maybe." I watch her bottom lip pout out slightly as she nods and turns to go to class, reaching out to grasp her wrist gently. "Hey. I'll come after my last lecture, okay? I'll bring pizza."

Her smile returns and she's nods, pulling her arm from my grasp as she disappears down the hallway.

X

I've made a lot of mistakes over the years. I wasn't there for Hannah like a friend should have been. I couldn't make sense of Sky's struggles with depression or how Ani could find the good in someone like Bryce Walker. Trying to do right by all of them with Heidi. All of the terrible things I've done and my biggest regret is standing Ava up.

I couldn't bring myself to go watch a movie with her tonight. No good would come from it. Somehow I'd fuck it up - do something wrong, say something wrong and that would be the end of us. Of her. Like Heidi and all the ones that came before her.

X

Ava

I'm staring at myself in the reflection of my laptop when there's a knock at the door - lifting my head quickly and leaping from the bed. I brush my fingers through my perfectly styled hair and smooth my palms down my shirt as I take a deep needed breath and open the door with my best smile.

The pizza delivery guy is taken back and stumbles over his words.

"Clay uh, Ginseng?"

"Um." I don't know how to answer that.

"Oh, there's a note. Uh, Clay Ginseng says he hopes you like pepperoni and he's sorry he can't make it tonight. He'll bring you a matcha latte in the morning."

I stare at the delivery guy blinking away the tears that threaten to fall from my watering eyes. "Okay. T-thank you." He hands me the pizza and mumbles something about hanging out after his shift but I close the door behind me without another word. Clay tries to call me a hour later then sends three text messages apologizing but I manage to ignore him and the pizza all night.

Clay Jensen is not interested in you.

X

The next morning my hair still looks amazing so I wear it back and take my time doing my makeup, blue eyes popping like sapphires. I eat cold pizza for breakfast and put on jeans that make my ass look great then I head to Economics with a promise to myself that I won't let Clay Jensen break my heart.

X

Clay

Ava's already in class when I get there her icy green drink freezing my fingers as she turns her face up to mine and smiles. She's still in the seat beside me but there's someone beside her, a vaguely familiar girl from class who giggles at her side before turning her attention to the front of the room.

"Thanks Clay."

"Y-yeah. Of course. I um. I'm sorry I didn't make it last night - class went over and then I uh..."

I watch her take a sip of her drink and I'm definitely staring at her lips again - a pain filling my chest because for the first time since I met her - her smile doesn't reach her eyes.

"It's cool. Don't worry about it." I take my seat beside her and notice her arm it tucked tightly at her side - not touching mine. "Ava. I'm really sorry." She looks up at me slowly, still smiling that fake smile as she reaches into her pocket - pulling a neatly folded twenty out and handing it over to me.

I stare at it confused.

"For the pizza..., and the matcha."

"Ava..."

She presses the money into my palm and turns back to the professor. She doesn't look at me again for the rest of the class.

X

"Can we go grab some food?"

"I've got class."

"After?"

"I'm not really hungry Clay. I had a whole pizza to myself last night."

I stop in my tracks at her words. Ava's still smiling but not really smiling as she moves down the hallway without me.

X

What are you afraid of?

Dr. Ellman's voice fills my head as I lay back on my bed and try to drown out David's constant clicking and the look on Ava's face. It's cool. Don't worry about it. She doesn't know me very well. I worry about everything.

What are you afraid of?

My phone dings beside me - reminding me of the text message I'm ignoring.

I miss you Clay followed by a photo of Heidi lying in her bed, all of her best parts exposed to me and barely covered with red silk. I run a hand over my face and close my eyes at the thought of her. Kissing her. Touching her. I tried to have fun with her - tried to be what she needed but I couldn't. I can't.

I glance at my phone one last time before deleting the message and pushing myself to my feet. "Hey. You alright? Feeling sad?" David asks with a laugh that I ignore and head into the hallway - I don't stop until I'm standing outside of someone else's dorm room.

X

Ava

There's a soft knock at my door surprising me because I'm not expecting company or any late night pizza deliveries. What's even more surprising is seeing Clay standing in the hallway with a look I've never quite seen on a guys face. It's a mix between desire and fear and it makes his eyes bluer somehow.

"Clay?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you."

An ache fills my chest at the thought of hurting him. I was mad that he stood me up last night but I never thought he'd feel so much guilt over it.

"Clay..., I..."

"The first girl I ever loved killed herself and now I think I'm fucking cursed or something. I've fucked up every relationship I've ever had after her and I don't want to fuck this up."

I touch his arm and pull him into my room, closing the door behind us gently. "...and I swear my roommates going to murder me."

A nervous laugh escapes me at his smile. "Well the last thing anyone needs to see is you having a mental breakdown in the hallway. It will just help his case." I nod to Mandy's unused bed surprised when Clay takes his seat across from me on my bed instead. "I'm sorry if I hurt you by not coming over yesterday. I don't want to ever hurt you." I watch Clay hang his head as he runs a hand over his face and looks up to me again.

"Clay."

I don't know what to say to him. The emotion swirling in his eyes and caught in his throat is almost too much to bear so I take his hand in mine and squeeze. "I was angry with you for bailing on me but I really like you - you're smart and funny and adorably sexy. I'm just having a hard time realizing that you don't have the same feelings as I do and that's okay. I promise I'll—-."

"Ava—- I do. You just have no idea what kind of person I am. The shit that I've done... the shit I've been through..."

"Then tell me and let me make up my own mind."

That night I learn everything about who Clay Jensen was but nothing of who he is.

x