Clay
I sit with Ava on her bed and relive the past four years of my life quietly. I tell her everything. Everything because she's the first person I've ever met that I want to tell all of my secrets too.
Once I'm finish I look down at my hands, willing my tears away as her hand comes into view - her palm sliding into mine as I lift my eyes slowly. There's nothing but compassion on her beautiful face, laced with a ray of understanding as she's clasps my hand in hers tightly.
"You've got to think I'm crazy. Hell, I may be crazy Ava. I didn't ditch you because I don't like you - I'm trying to fucking spare you from this shit." I point to my fucked up head.
Ava places her other hand on my chest, just over my racing heart before sliding up - her fingers brushing the hair at the nape of my neck as I hold my breath and watch her.
"I'm sorry you went through that Clay but all I see is someone strong enough to endure it and keep going. That's all any of can do. It's easy to leave - it's hard to keep going."
If I'm blessed with a hundred years with this girl I'll never deserve her. It won't be enough.
My eyebrows crease as I watch her hand go to her cheek and quickly brush away a tear that betrays her then her soft laugh is filling the room to try and lighten the mood.
"So you've told me about Clay Jensen the troubled high school student but who is Clay Jensen future Brown University graduate?"
"You sound like my therapist." I say with a nervous laugh. This girl is never going to speak to me again after tonight. "Good, that means I picked the right major." Ava finally releases my hand and pushes herself from the bed, crossing the small dorm room to an even smaller fridge. It holds one large pizza box and inside only one piece is missing. "I can take it down the hall - I think 302 has a microwave in their room?"
I shake my head and take an offered slice, assuring her pizza's better cold. I don't know if that's my truth but the thought of her going anywhere right now sends an ache into the center of my chest so she sits back down and we eat cold pizza. I tell her about my engineering plans and my hopes to one day write an award winning sci-fi thriller - she tells me she doesn't like sci-fi and only eats banana popsicles for desert because they were her grandma's favorite. We talk until the sun filters through her blinds then I take her to get an iced matcha latte - insisting she let me pay.
X
By the end of my first semester at Brown Ava has tucked me safely away in the friend zone of her heart where I've lived most of my life anyway. She still touches me periodically - her palm against my chest when she laughs at something stupid I've said, her body brushing against mine as she scoots past me in a booth - she even kissed me once, sloppily on the cheek when we won against several snide teams at trivia night in the library.
She doesn't drink. Or party. She goes out with her friends for coffee twice a week and to art shows when she can, sometimes I tag along sometimes I meet up with a group of guys I met that enjoy sci-fi thrillers and comic books. Sometimes we sit in her room and don't even talk - she reads dark romance novels while I sketch or work on assignments. I've never once met her roommate.
I like that we don't have much in common. She's the most interesting person I've ever met and she's kind, and funny... and fucking beautiful. Sometimes I catch myself staring at her for to long - watching her shiny blonde hair fall past her shoulder before she gathers it in her hand and slides it away from her throat. Sometimes I think about kissing her throat or burying my face in the bend of her shoulder and inhaling as deep as I possibly can. Sometimes I just watch her and think about nothing. Ava gives me peace.
Tonight she's sitting with her legs crossed beneath her on her bed worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as she waits for a grade to be posted. Her hair is pulled up high on her head in what she calls a "messy bun" but it looks perfect to me and she's wearing those damn plain black glasses again instead of her contacts. I can still hear the groan that left me when she answered the door, still feel the heat that crept up my neck as I tried to play it off as a cough. The smile she gave me nearly sent me to my grave. Just being friends with her kills me a little more inside with each passing day.
Deciding I should keep some distance between us tonight I'm sitting at her roommates desk pretending to doodle a picture of a robot. "I helped you study for that test Ava, you're going to pass." I assure her quietly, turning my attention back to my drawing as her eyes lift to mine. "I know. I know. I'm just..., my dad's really counting on me."
"Ava, you're going to do amazing."
The look on her face nearly pulls me from my seat. If I wasn't such a coward I would stand up and go to her. I'd take away all of her self doubt somehow because she's the smartest person I know - there's no doubt in my mind she aced that test. I watch some of the worry leave her eyes as she nods and smiles, looking down as her phone pings in her hand. The next minute is painfully silent. All I hear is her soft breathing and the tiny gasp that sticks in her throat as her eyes fly back to mine. "I got an A!"
The next minute is painful. Ava leaps from her bed and wraps her arms around me, nearly straddling my lap as she thanks me for helping her study, burying her face in the bend of my neck as I take in a quick breath of vanilla and wrap my arms around her like she may disappear. I hold her to my chest, sinking a hand into her soft hair as she lifts her face slowly and meets my eyes. She's still almost in my lap - our faces close together and I swear I think she's going to kiss me because I can feel her breath on my lips.
"A-Ava."
There's a war waging in these icy blue eyes and when they fall to my mouth I lean forward making her breath catch in her throat as she nods her head at an unspoken question. Just as our lips meet my cellphone blares in my pocket pulling her away from me with wide eyes. I want to protest - I want to pull her back to me and kiss her until she's begging me to fuck her but the annoying sound distracts me and I pull the device from my pocket. My mom's smiling face is staring up at me and it's a FaceTime call.
"Shit. It's my mom. I need to uh..." I look up at Ava who's breathing heavy and telling me to answer as she pulls her hair from his perfect bun and runs her fingers through the strands. I want to do that.
"Clay. You better answer."
I look back down at my phone and press the screen, bringing my mother to life. To my surprise dad is standing beside her and they're smiling and speaking to fast. All I can process is the feeling Ava has left in my chests. Like I'm on fire and she's pure gasoline. "Uh, hey guys. What are you uh..., doing?" I look beyond my parents and see they're in a familiar cemetery. "Where are you?"
"We came to put flowers on Justin's grave. I wanted you to see what we picked out."
A picture could have done that. An easily ignored picture that I could have looked at later - after I kissed Ava. She's still standing across from me, her fingers touching her soft lips as she listens to my parents talk about whatever it is they're saying. All I can do is stare at her mouth.
"Clay? Do you like them?"
I glance down to the device in my hand - looking at Justin's full name written in stone then to the blue and white carnations on his grave. The ache in my chest intensifies. "Y-yeah, mom. It looks great." I look up to Ava again, her soft lips pouting with a sympathetic frown.
"Is everything alright honey?" Mom's face is filling the screen with her own look of concern. "Yeah. Sorry. I was just hanging out with a friend." I watch Ava's blue eyes go wide and she's shaking her head no as I turn the screen so she can meet my mother, who lets out a little gasp of joy as Ava smoothes her hair with her hands and finds her bright smile.
"Oh! Hello! Sorry to interrupt..." My mother's voice trails off as Ava introduces herself with a nervous laugh, waving to my dad as I turn the screen back to me and tell them I need to go. "Yeah, of course! Text me later okay? Ava - it was so nice meeting you!" Mom mouths she's really beautiful before dropping the call so I can give the girl before me all my attention.
What the hell just happened?
"Ava..." I want to kiss you.
"Your parents seem so nice! Your mom is so pretty!" She says quickly - taking a step away from me as she rakes a hand through her hair and turns to her bed. A nervous energy has filled the small room.
"Ava." Please let me kiss you.
I stand up from the desk and take a step towards her as she turns her face back to mine and drops her hands to her sides letting her hair fall over her shoulders. I reach for her slowly, brushing a hand across her cheek as I push her hair away from her neck - my eyes falling to the small tattoo just below her ear.
It's a semi colon.
My fingers freeze in her hair as our eyes meet. "Do y-you know someone who...?" I can't bring myself to say the words, watching as she nods slightly and lets our gaze fall. "My best friend in middle school." Shit. Middle school? Somehow that's even more tragic. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry? That's never enough and it's too much at the same time. I let my thumb brush over the small tattoo and watch Ava shutter at my touch. "Why didn't you tell me? After I told you about Hannah... and Alex?"
After I told her everything.
"...because trauma doesn't heal trauma, Clay."
I don't ask her if I can kiss her and maybe that's wrong of me but I will literally split in half if I don't so pull her to me with the hand around her neck and kiss her hard, brushing my tongue against her soft lips as she opens them for me and grasps my shirt in her fingers. The soft whimper that passes between us brings my other hand into her hair as I savor every inch of her mouth, my heart nearly beating from my chest as she pulls me closer.
When I finally pull away to take in a needed breath Ava is looking up at me in wonder, a rush of soft pink filling her cheeks as her smile spreads and she buries her face in my chest with a quiet laugh. "We have the same tattoo." I whisper against the crown of her head as she looks up to me slowly. "You have a tattoo?"
I nod and lean back to show her my wrist. "I passed out in the middle of it - it was just a comma for a while. I had to get through some shit before I was able to get it finished."
Ava places her hand to her mouth to keep from laughing as I brush my fingers through her hair, assuring her she can laugh because I do when I think back on it. "I fell completely out of the chair on my face." Ava laughs and I decide in this moment it's a sound I never want to forget. "Do you have any other tattoos?" I ask to keep from kissing her again because I'm afraid if I do I won't stop this time. Ava nods, a sly grin crossing her face as she touches my chest.
"I do. Maybe one day I'll let you see it."
I groan at the thought and hope my parents bury me beside Justin.
X
Mom and dad visit Brown during Parents Weekend and instantly love Ava which doesn't surprise me because she's easy to love although I'm trying hard and failing not to. I've kissed her countless times in the three weeks that's passed since the initial one and every time has left me aching in places I didn't even know existed. I want her, god do I fucking want her but I don't want to lose her. So I try (and I fail) to not love her.
X
Ava
Clay Jensen isn't interested in you.
I try to remind myself of that often but some days are harder than others because right now - something of his is very interested in me. His hands slide up my body slowly, bringing my shirt with them as he clutches soft skin - finding my mouth again as I sink my body into his and kiss him like my life depends on it. The soft groans that fall from his lips work my hips faster, grinding against the hard length still trapped in his pants.
"...f-fuck Ava..."
His hands find my hair, fingers tightening in the soft strands as I moan softly against his lips and his eyes close tighter - breathing hard, his head falls back to my pillow with a groan.
"You're so beautiful." Clay whispers - his fingers brushing against the lace on my bra, eyes meeting as they continue down to my waist to grasp my rutting hips. I lean forward again and graze my lips against his jaw, earning another groan of pleasure as I whisper his name against his throat. Clay digs his fingers into my hips trying to still their torment. "...do you want to have sex?" I whisper because I really want to have sex with him.
Clay is a needy mess beneath me, his hands sliding under my skirt to grab my ass - grunting out the word yes as our lips meet again. I am so lost in his kiss I don't hear Mandy open the door, barely registering her clearing her throat as Clay sinks his hands into my hair again. There's so many emotions running through me in this moment - how much I care about Clay, how much I want him - how he makes me feel when we're together - the love I have for him nearly rushes from my lungs as Mandy says my name and jerks my head up to glare at her.
"Oh, shit."
My wayward roommate is smiling at us as Clay's head falls back to the pillow again and he runs a hand over his face to try and collect his own thoughts. "Sorry, Mandy. I didn't hear you." What the hell is she doing here? I grab my shirt discarded beside Clay and pull it on quickly - still straddling his lap with his hands resting on my thighs as I introduce her to the man beneath me and they exchange pleasantries. Mandy says she's going to run to the bathroom while we get situated and then Clay and I are alone again, laughing at the irony that right now is when she decides to show up.
X
By the time Mandy returns Clay is sitting at her desk again putting away his notebooks and it's obvious she's upset about something so he makes up an excuse to leave and doesn't kiss me goodbye, leaving a feeling of dread in my chest as I turn back to my roommate who has tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry I interrupted—-, Clay seems really nice."
"Yeah. He is." I smile at her as we sit across from each other on our beds and Mandy puts her head in her hands and sobs. "I'm pregnant." I try to contain my surprise, handing over the box of tissues on my nightstand as she thanks me and sobs some more. "John's wife caught us on his boat last week and then I found out Derek is cheating on me! Can you believe that?!"
I don't know Mandy well but she was nice to me at orientation and what's better than a roommate that's never home? I pat her knee and tell her how sorry I am as she explains John, the professor here at Brown is leaving his wife and going to marry her but she doesn't know if her unborn child belongs to him or Derek who also wants to keep hooking up. This is better than any soap opera I've ever seen.
I insist she let me take her out to lunch, sending Clay a quick text message apologizing again for the intrusion but he doesn't respond and the dread I feel sinks deeper into my bones.
X
Clay
I'm staring at the ceiling again as David clicks away at his computer, mentioning something about the melancholy in the room and how he's going to need to find a tutor for one of his classes soon. I ignore him and make a mental note to call student housing to see if there's been any openings on another dorm room. They've got me on a list.
My phone dings with a text from Ava.
I hope I didn't make things weird with us today.
My thumb hovers over the words - the thought of our time together in her dorm room flooding my chest with all the emotions I'm desperate not to feel. I close my eyes to will away the images of Ava on top of me - the feel of her perfect body in my hands and how fucking hard she makes me. I'm the one making things weird. My dick stirs in my sweatpants as I lift my eyes to David's back - his focus on the screen before him as I run a hand over my face.
I really like you Clay. I don't want to make things weird with us.
My heart is racing again with memories of her mouth on mine. Her lips are as soft as they look and they always taste like strawberry despite never seeing her apply any kind of lipgloss. I lay my hand in my lap trying to hide my erection from my roommate as I sit up quickly and glance around the room.
Is your roommate still there?
It's a desperate question and I hate ignoring her concerns but fuck I want to be inside of her - I'll deal with the shit show that's guaranteed to follow later. Maybe I'll be wrong this time. Maybe I won't fuck this up.
No, she's gone back to the professors house.
I grab my wallet from the nightstand, hesitating for a second before reaching inside to grab a condom, then another one. I run all the way to Ava's dorm.
X
When Ava answers her door I kiss her and sink my hands into her hair as I back her into the room and towards the bed. She doesn't stop me, in fact she pulls me down to her as her back hits the mattress then she's taking off her shirt - looking up at me with a flood of emotions in her ocean eyes.
I can't do this and not fall in love with her because I'm already in fucking love with her. "Ava..., I..." I hang my head beside hers and take in a needed breath. I want this. I want this so much but I can't. Ava has to be the one person I don't fuck up. "Clay it's okay. We don't have to." I run my hand down her side, gripping her waist as I sink into her further. "I want to." I whisper against the side of her face, watching with hooded eyes as she turns to me and brushes her fingers through my hair.
I close my eyes at her touch, my heart hammering so hard against my chest she has to be able to feel it against hers. "...but I can't."
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to lose you.
"O-okay." I push myself up on her bed and run a hand over my face. I've never been more conflicted in my life. It..., it makes no fucking sense - I don't want to hurt her? So I fucking hurt her? "Clay? It's okay." She can't hide the disappointment in her eyes as she grabs her shirt for the second time today and pulls it back over her head quickly.
"I..., I just want to focus on school... and..."
I don't even know what kind of bullshit I threw at her that night but somehow Ava sat there on her bed looking so fucking beautiful and she took it all like canon. She touched my chest and assured me we could just be friends - that she could be whatever I needed but somdhow she was so much more.
x
Ava
"When's your dad coming in?"
I glance up from my notebook slowly, forcing a smile to Clay as I sit my pen down and take a breath. Since we decided to just be friends - which is going great by the way things have only gotten more confusing with us. My mind wanders to last night, the look on Clay's face and the desperate words spoke between us.
I know what I said... Ava, I'm so fucked up... I want you—-, I fucking...
He brushed away my tears. Tears that he caused - that his stupid phone caused then he showed me how true that statement was. Was it a mistake? Probably - not one I haven't made before but I have no regrets. Clays the first guy I've ever truly cared about.
"Ava?" I meet Clay's eyes again realizing I haven't answered him. "Your dad?"
"Oh, he can't come. Something about work. I'm not sure."
Clay's leaving for California in the morning to start his winter break with his parents and I'm so grateful he has two parents who love and support him. Matt and Lainie - that's what they insist I call them whenever they FaceTime and I'm around (my dad would never allow Clay to call him anything but Mr. White), but Clay's parents are as wonderful as he is.
I smile over at him now trying to hide the sadness of not seeing my dad at Christmas and then he's kissing me goodbye for an hour and assuring me he'll text me every day to check in. I tell him I'll send him dirty Snapchat's and he awards me with a bright pink blush creeping up his neck. I tell him goodbye and think about him as I fall asleep. I know it will send him running but I wish I would have told him I love him.
Four days later my dad shows up for Christmas.
X
Clay
So much shit happened the night before I left for winter break yet I'm nowhere near getting my shit together. I love her - more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I loved Hannah. That night started with a text message on Ava's phone - her dad wasn't going to be able to come visit her for Christmas. Not enough money for a ticket sweetie. Ava played it off the best she could but after a minute she excused herself to go to the bathroom leaving her phone beside me on the bed.
So I did something that someone in love would do. I shared her dad's contact info with my phone and called him on my way to the airport two days later. The FaceTime call didn't start out well, I hurt his pride by offering to buy his ticket to come see Ava but when I explained to him that I wasn't doing it for him - that I was doing it for his daughter, who I loved - it softened his tone and he thanked me - three times before assuring me he'd repay me as soon as he got his Christmas bonus.
All I cared about was Ava's happiness.
When she came back to her room with tears in her eyes I opened my arms to her and let her climb into my embrace where I held her close, stroking her hair as her breathing slowed. I wanted to tell her it would be alright - that I would fix this but I couldn't get the words out. They didn't sound right in my head so we sat in silence for a long time until she finally turned on her back and laid her head on my shoulder asking if we could watch videos to take her mind off it.
Six videos later a text from Heidi pops up on my phone and I feel Ava's body go rigid beside me but she says nothing and I open it because I want to assure her I don't talk to Heidi regularly. I haven't spoke to her since seeing her outside my dorm months ago.
I unfortunately remember too late the kind of text messages Heidi sends. The first one is just of her face, a pouting frown as she tells me she misses hanging out with me. Then another taken at a weird angle that makes her look distorted followed by words that break Ava's heart.
Maybe you're right - maybe we do belong together Clay. Come see me - bring condoms.
The next text is a picture of her body - barely covered and on full display. I drop my phone and turn to Ava with wide eyes as she pushes away from me and sits up on the bed - sobbing into her hands. "Ava—-, that was before I met you. Before school started - she's the reason I can't... I don't want to..." Fuck. I'm saying all the wrong things, watching Ava crawl into herself as heavy sobs rack her body. "Ava, please look at me. I don't want her - I want you..., I want you so fucking much..."
"No you don't! You make it painfully fucking obvious you don't want me Clay!"
I sit up beside her placing my hands on her shoulders to try and bring her to me but she jerks away glaring with tears in her ocean eyes.
"Is it because I don't send you pictures like that? Is that what it takes?!"
"No!" Fuck! Why didn't I block her number? "Ava, please..." She covers her face again and turns away from me, sobbing out for me to leave as I touch her back and promise her Heidi is just a girl I used to know. "I want you Ava. I fucking—-."
I fucking love you just like I loved Heidi and Hannah - the only difference is when Ava turns her watery eyes back to me I see it on her face. The difference between her and every other girl I've known is Ava loves me back.
"You should go Clay. You don't have to explain yourself to me—-, you're not my boyfriend."
"Please don't send me away." I whisper brushing my thumb against her cheek to wipe away the tears pouring down her face. I look between us on the bed and grab my phone, typing out a reply that assures Heidi I've moved on in the nicest way possible then I delete the text and toss the phone across the room to Mandy's unused bed before sinking my hands into Ava's hair.
"Let me show you how much I want you?"
Ava kisses me first, pulling me towards her as I lay her back on the bed and graze my teeth against her jaw - placing my lips to her semi colon tattoo before kissing a line to her collar bone. The sounds that fall from her parted lips are like nothing I've ever heard before and I silently pray to any god who will listen that I don't cum in my fucking pants. I push myself up to help her pull off her shirt - removing mine in the process and then she's working the buttons loose on her jeans - the air rushing from my lungs as I stare down at her beautiful body.
I rub my thumb over the small butterfly tattoo on her hip bone and ask her if she has any more tattoos to which she shakes her head no sheepishly as I kiss the delicate ink before moving my lips down her thigh. I close my eyes tightly from the sound of my name leaving her throat while her fingers rake into my hair. I rub my nose along her panties, placing soft kisses to the damp material as she raises her hips to me.
I've never done this before so it's probably going to suck but for the life of me I want to fucking drown myself in her so I pull her panties down her toned thighs and bury my tongue inside of her like I've seen on porn. The gasp that fills the room pushes me forward as I lap up Ava's desire like a man parched, gripping her hips tightly as I fucking moan into her. She holds my head in place as I bring my hand up and slip two fingers inside of her, cussing against her clit as her hands tighten in my hair. I continue what I'm doing because it sounds like she's enjoying it and only when her body stops shaking do I pull away in wonder.
I hope that was good for now because I'm going to fucking cum if I don't stop, our eyes meet and she brings me up to her quickly, demanding my tongue with hers as another deep moan rattles in my chest.
"W-was that okay?" I whisper as her fingers card into my hair, pulling gently as she nods and says it was perfect against my lips before I'm kissing her again and unclasping my belt. I watch her hands take over - undoing my jeans and pulling them down my hips before taking my painfully hard dick in her grasp and stroking gently. "A-Ava..." I warn as she lays her head back on her pillow, her hair a halo of gold around her beautiful face. I take out a strategically placed condom from my front pocket and toss my jeans to the floor. "A-are you sure this is something you want to do?" I told you I was fucked up. I may ruin your fucking life.
I watch Ava nod - her blue eyes never leaving mine as her chest rises and falls in rhythm and I slide the condom on quickly before I sink back down to her and kiss her again. The soft sounds she makes nearly send me over the edge and I'm not even inside her yet - grasping my dick to hold it at her soaked center as her nails dig into my shoulders and I push inside of her. The air leaves my lungs in a rush of pleasure - the feel of her almost too much as I bury my head in the bend of her shoulder and groan.
"...f-fuck Ava..." I try to move - to push deeper into her but it feels to fucking good and I want this to last. I thought I was over that minute-man shit but she feels like the first time all over again. "...you feel so good...Ava." I breathe against her jaw as she clings to me - those soft little sounds stirring something deep in my chest. The only thing she says is my name that pulls another groan from me and I finally begin to move, meeting her hooded eyes as her back arches and her hand moves to my neck - holding my gaze as I thrust into her deeply.
"Y-you're so beautiful." I whisper as she grasps my forearm with a quiet moan, fingers tangling with mine as I move faster - causing a soft cry to rush from her throat. "Fuccck, so fucking good." Her eyes pop open as another perfect sound leaves her then they close tightly, her thighs squeezing my hips as a shutter of pleasure washes over me and I lean in closer to her - sliding an arm under her hips to bring her body to mine so I can go deeper. "Ah—-, fuck." A rush of dopamine fills my brain and I come with a groan, sinking my fingers into her hair as our chests meet and I kiss her parted lips.
"Ava..., I... that was amazing."
"Yeah it was." She whispers as our eyes meet and all I see is devotion staring back at me.
X
"Your Christmas present should hopefully get there by noon today." I say as Ava smiles at me through the screen of my phone. Sleeping with her was a mistake. No—-, sleeping with her then leaving the fucking state was a mistake. Having three thousand miles between us is torture but it's best I'm safe in California when her dad gets there. I won't be able to keep my hands off her and he'll probably kick my ass.
No, he'll definitely kick my ass.
"Have you opened yours yet?"
"No. I was waiting for you."
"What are you doing up so early anyway?" I'm still on Rhode Island time and I can't sleep for thinking about her. I tell her as much and watch her bright smile light up my phone. "You're really beautiful." I assure her because it's true and I love the way her cheeks tint pink at my words. "You're not so bad yourself, Clay Jensen—- now open your gift!"
I reach for the gift she sent with me to California and rip at the simple black wrapping paper, turning the contents over in my hand.
"The Fear of Winter?"
"It's supposed to be a good sci-fi thriller. At least that's what the girl at the book store told me. Look inside."
I flip through the book and stop where two tickets stare back at me, plucking them from between the pages and looking them over. "Holy shit!" Two tickets to a robotics expo coming to Rhode Island in the spring. I had vaguely mentioned getting tickets for it to her and here they are. "That's awesome, Ava. Thank you."
"You're welcome—- now tell me what you got me! I hope it's a large iced matcha latte."
I smile at the thought and send a quick text messages as my mom steps into the kitchen waving to Ava. "Hi Mrs. uh, Lainie!" Mom laughs and points a finger to Ava. "You got tickets to that expo you were telling me about?" I glance up at her from over my shoulder and grin. "Yeah, Ava got them for me."
"That's a very thoughtful gift Ava. Clay loves that kind of thing." Of course she already knows that. "Alright I've got to go before she tells you anything else about me—-, enjoy your gift when it comes okay?" I stare at her bright blue eyes three thousand miles away. I want to tell her I love her because I really do but I just say goodbye and pray her dad has a safe flight.
X
There's a knock at my door at 11:53AM, pushing me from the bed to dart across the room and jerk the door open. It could be anything - a pizza, coffee delivery - a pony. Clay wouldn't even give me a hint but as I open the door and lift my eyes I'm staring into familiar eyes the same color as mine.
"Dad?"
He's holding a large iced matcha latte up for me with a smile that sends an ache through my chest as I throw my arms around him and demand how he's here right now. The construction company he works for - his main source of income had to hold their Christmas bonuses back two weeks.
"Clay Jensen called and offered to buy my tickets. That man really cares about you Ava."
I place my hand on my heart and hug him again. "Oh dad, I'm so happy to see you. I really care about him too—- I know I said I wasn't going to get caught up in all that here, that I was going to focus on school but... there's something about him, dad." My dad smiles at me, a glint of hope in his knowing blue eyes.
"Sometimes we find the best things when we aren't even looking sweetie, now take this nasty green drink it's freezing my hand."
I smile up at him and usher him inside my room, picking my phone up from the bed quickly. There's a text from Clay.
Merry Christmas
I sent him back a red heart and tell him that he's the most amazing person I've ever met.
x
Clay
I glance up to dad as he places his hand on my shoulder and kneels beside Justin's grave with me, hanging his head for a moment before lifting his eyes to mine.
"I miss him." I mutter because I know he misses him too. Justin Foley wasn't perfect but he was my brother when it mattered. He was my family and I will always miss him. "Me too, son."
We stay that way until dad's knees can't take it anymore then we walk to a bench and take a seat, staring off into the void for another few minutes before he clears his throat and speaks.
"Your mom told me what you did for Ava. Paying her dad's way so they could be together at Christmas."
I nod, assuring him it was nothing.
"To Ava it was everything, son. I'm proud of the man you're becoming."
I smile over to my dad and lean back on the bench, shoving my hands in the pockets of my hoody.
"I think I love her dad. I mean—-, of course I love her - I fall in love with girls easy but for the first time I think this one loves me back."
My dad smiles - looking out through the cemetery as he leans back beside me.
"...what if I fuck it up dad? What if I freak her out with all my shit? What if we aren't meant to be together?"
Dad glances over to me, searching my face for a moment before he answers. "...no way of knowing son..., but what if you are?"
X
I go back to Brown a week early because I can't stand the thought of being away from Ava any longer. I need to feel her in my arms in the worst kind of way. My parents smile and hug me at the airport, my dad slaps my shoulder and wishes me luck - assuring me I don't have to figure out my entire life at nineteen years old.
I think about Ava on the flight. I hope she had a good visit with her dad. I hope she's happy to see me when I get there. I hope she's kisses me until she's begging me to be inside of her. I hope she'll marry me one day.
I don't stop thinking about her until I'm standing at her door with a weird green drink in one hand and a small bundle of roses in the other. Tears well up in Ava's eyes as she puts her arms around my shoulders and brings me to her chest in a tight hug. "W-what are you doing here?"
"You aren't happy to see me?" I ask with a smile, brushing tears from her face as she takes my gifts and sits them down beside her bed. When she turns around she shows me how much she's missed me with a deep kiss that causes a groan to rumble in my chest as I slide my hands up her back and hold her to me. "Clay..., I can never repay you for helping my dad get here this week—-, thank you."
I meet her blue eyes as she slides her fingers into the back of my hair, her smile so genuine and gaze full of unspoken emotions. I brush her hair from her face and lean into her kiss again. "You never have to thank me Ava." This time she doesn't pull away, tightening her fingers in my hair as I wrap an arm around her and start walking her backward to her bed. She turns so I can sit down on the edge and then to my utter amazement she sinks to her knees and begins undoing my belt. Several different thoughts are running through my mind as I watch her with hooded eyes and she pulls my dick free from my jeans wrapping her hand around it tightly - my head falling back with a moan as she swirls her tongue around the head.
"Ah—-, fuck..."
When she lifts her blue eyes up to mine I'm done for - grabbing a handful of her hair in my fist as she swirls her tongue over every inch of me then takes me deeper, a soft choking noise vibrating around me - filling my soul with pleasure as my eyes close tightly and I whisper her name, pleading with her to slow down before I come down her throat.
Ava doesn't stop, in fact she goes faster and tries to take me deeper - gripping my thighs as I cradle her head in my hands and cry out, coming undone a second later as I watch her swallow every drop - eyes wide and not breathing I pull her to my face quickly and kiss her like my life depends on it, searching her beautiful eyes as her smile spreads across her face and she reaches for her drink - taking a quick pull of matcha.
"Was that okay?"
I'm still staring at her in wonder, brushing her hair from her face as I kiss her again - nodding as I pull her to my chest and turn us on the bed so I'm hovering over her, pulling her shirt over her head then unhooking her bra before I kiss a wet trail to her breasts, licking and sucking each hard nipple as her soft cries stirs my dick again quickly. Fuck, I never want this to stop. I want her to be the only woman I ever look at for as long as I live and then I want to find her in death and spend eternity loving her.
Ava's fingers trail down my back as I kiss her ribs and then her stomach as I help her shimmy's out of her jeans - gripping her hips when I find her butterfly tattoo and place my lips to it softly. Her fingers card through my hair as I move to the other hip and then between her thighs - taking my time kissing everywhere but where she wants me too, running my thumb over her slit and coating my fingers with her slick desire. "F-fuck Ava... you're so wet..."
I'm answered with a soft moan as I slip two fingers inside of her gently and rub my thumb against her clit - tightening her fingers in my hair as I dive into her soaked pussy with a groan, pulling her squirming body down to my mouth as her back arches to me. Fuck, my dick is already hard again from the taste of her - holding her to my mouth to replace my thumb with my tongue and listen to her cry out, sucking gently on the sensitive nub as I work my fingers inside of her - losing myself in her moans as her thighs tighten around my head. She's going to suffocate me and all I can think about is how amazing this death will be.
Another minute with my tongue buried inside her I have to pull away and take in a deep breath, groaning against her thigh as she looks down at me with a glazed over look on her perfect face. It sends a surge of my love for her to my chest as I tell her how good she tastes. Ava beckons me to come to her but I shake my head and return to her throbbing clit, rolling my tongue against her as she gasps out again and I feel her pussy tighten around my fingers. "...fuck that's it Ava, come for me..." I feel like I'm having an out of body experience - like I'm looking down on myself buried between her thighs with my dick in my hand trying not to fucking come before I can fuck her.
I lap up her desire, flicking my tongue against her clit one last time as she begs for me to kiss her - that she can't take anymore and I finally pull away from her and look up at the goddess lying before me. Her hand is over her mouth, eyes closed tightly and chest heaving as I wipe my mouth and climb over her - finding her parted lips to lose myself in her kiss, feeling my dick slide against her soaked slit with a deep groan. I want to feel her on me - her tight pussy clamped around me while I fuck her.
I know she's on birth control - I watch her take a pill every night at 9PM. Fuck I want to feel her.
"Can I fuck you without a condom?" I whisper against her jaw, trying to steady my breathing as she nods and lifts her hips making my dick slip inside her further as my arms give out and I bury my face in the bend of her neck. "F-fuck..., you're so wet..." I groan, feeling her arms around me as she ruts her hips against mine and I slip further. I'm gonna come. "Ava—-, I..." Her mouth finds mine as I bottom out inside of her and swallow her moans, pulling out slightly to thrust back into her again. "F-fuck. I'm... I can't..."
I manage a few more thrusts before I rest my forehead against hers and whisper she's going to make me come. "W-where..., ahh—-fuck, Ava... where—-." Her tongue is in my mouth and I'm seeing fucking stars, a deep grunt escaping me as she whispers for me to come inside of her against my panting lips. I couldn't pull of her even if I wanted too - my release ripping through me with a strangled cry - filling her deeply as she brings my chest to hers and nuzzles her face against my cheek.
It seems like forever passes before I can breathe again, lifting my head slowly as her fingers card through my hair. The look on her face surprises me - contentment flooding from her cock drunk gaze and I find her mouth to kiss her slowly. Thankfully her stomach growls, distracting me from getting hard again as I pull away from her and smile. "Wanna go get burgers?"
Her stomach answers for her as she buries her face in my chest and nods while her cheeks glow pink.
X
It takes everything I have not to tell Ava I love her. I don't want to freak her out. I don't want to ruin what we have or hear her tell me she just wants to keep hooking up. I don't tell her I love her but I do slip my hand in hers as we walk to Harry's Bar and Burger, her comforting weight sinking into my side as she smiles up at me.
"Do you want to be my roommate?"
I look up from my burger, curiosity filling my eyes as I watch her pick at her fries before taking a drink of her milkshake. "Would that be weird? Us living together?" She continues before I can answer her. "I mean—-, I'll be on my best behavior. I promise I won't ruin your life."
I lean across the table and take her hand, realizing it's shaking as I look up into her blue eyes. "You could never ruin my life, Ava. You're—-" The best thing that's ever happened to me. "Where's Mandy?" I say instead - knowing it'll be a wild story no doubt.
"Moving back home to raise her baby. Turns out the professor isn't going to leave his wife and kids."
"Shit."
I watch her pull her hand away from mine and pick up another fry. "Yeah, it's messed up. I just thought you could get away from David now." The thought is tempting but all my other fears come rushing to the surface. "What if you get tired of me? Being with me that much? I don't want to ruin your life either."
The smile she gives me lights my soul on fire. "You could never ruin my life Clay. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." I smile at her words and nod, silently assuring her I feel the same way. "Alright, yeah. I would love to move in with you." David's grades were slipping by the end of the semester. My days maybe numbered. "I promise we won't have sex every day and I'll give you plenty of alone time to do your own thing."
My eyes go wide. "Wait—-." Her laugh is even better than her smile.
X
Ava
I told Clay I loved him one random day in February. In my defense it just came out - rushing from my lungs as he fucked up into me roughly, his hands gripping my hips as I fall to his chest and kiss the side of his face. My heart is hammering, breathing erratic as his hands move up my back slowly - one gripping the back of my neck as he whispers he loves me too and I lift my face to his.
"Y-yeah?"
"Yeah."
Clay kisses me slowly, tightening his fingers in the back of my hair as I move my hips against his - whimpering against his lips as my insides coil tightly and he holds me closer. "I love you so fucking much Ava." He whispers against my jaw before kissing just below my semi colon tattoo. I close my eyes at his words - seeing stars as he grips my hips roughly and groans into my throat - his orgasm chasing mine.
X
Clay
Thursdays are my least favorite day of the week now because that's the day Ava has forbidden us to have any type of sex. Thursday's are for working on assignments, studying for tests and spending time with other people. Except there's no other person I want to spend my time with so I'm lying on my bed pretending to read a comic that I've read a million times before, stealing glances over at Ava who's pretending to work on homework I know she finished an hour ago.
Thankfully she only abides by the no sex rule every third Thursday and only 60% of the time. A shy smile spreads across her face as I toss the comic book aside and slink across the narrow room to her bed, taking her pen and notebook - tossing them to my bed before sinking a hand into her hair and kissing her slowly.
Ava scoots back on the bed as I sink my body into hers, kissing down her throat as her hips arch to mine. When I think back to every girl before Ava I realize what I felt for them were strong intense emotions but it wasn't love. I didn't love them, not like I love her.
Ava's eyes flutter open as I gaze down at her, brushing my thumb against her cheek as that perfect pink warms her face. Loving her is simple. "I love you." I assure her as her smile brightens and she nods. "I love you too."
Her voice is whisper quiet as I search her eyes - nothing but the truth staring back at me. There's no secrets hiding behind these eyes - no drama. "What is it?" She asks me brushing her fingers through my hair as I focus on her fully. "I love you." I say again listening to her soft laugh as she pulls me to her lips.
"...like really fucking love you Ava."
She lifts her face to mine, placing a quick kiss to my lips. "I really fucking love you too Clay."
"Will you marry me? One day—-, not like now... but after, or... before, maybe." I tighten my grip on Ava's waist, afraid she will run screaming from this room. Why the fuck did I say that? "Ask me again when we graduate, with honors." She says softly, smiling up at me as I laugh at the thought of ever graduating Brown with honors. "Okay. I will." Because I have no doubt in my mind that Ava is the girl I'm going to marry.
X
Do you know Ava and I didn't go to one party while we attended Brown University? To this day I've never regretted it once. While our classmates were getting the full experience we were studying in our dorm room and having amazing sex on no sex Thursday's. I never wrote an award winning novel but I did continue to write mediocre fan fiction in my down time. We shared our hopes and our dreams, she told me about Katie - her best friend since birth who couldn't accept the life she'd been dealt at such a young age. She was the reason Ava would become an amazing social worker one day - she wouldn't fail kids the way the system had failed her friend. I realized my heart didn't ache for Hannah anymore and when I looked at Ava I only saw her. We juggled school and two different pregnancy scares. We argued about talks of abortion or adoption, we celebrated her late period with a supermarket cake. I wiped her tears in the dark and assured her one day we'll have a huge house full of sullen teenagers that will drive us crazy. I never once slept in Mandy's old bed.
We graduated with honors - somehow - and our parents were so proud, they all had tears in their eyes as they celebrated us walking across that stage. Tyler came to the ceremony with his wife and their infant son and Tony with his husband. They helped me find Ava the perfect engagement ring. I asked for her dad's blessing to which he slapped my shoulder roughly and laughed, telling me it took long enough when he knew I was meant for his daughter the first time he spoke to me. He never did pay me back for those tickets. I refuse his money at least once a month to this day.
X
Ava
Brown University has a decade long tradition called the Campus Dance. A huge outdoor celebration for the graduating seniors and their families where students and alumni light lanterns and dance into the night. Clay talked me into wearing a dress, only because his mother insisted he wear a tie and he didn't want to be the only person over dressed. When we got there we were painfully underdressed by most. One man wore a top hat.
As long as I live I will never forget that night. Clay's dad taught me how to waltz and I laughed with his mom and friends from high school. I held Tyler's adorable baby and nearly made his wife cry when I mentioned he was a carbon copy of his father. Tony told me amazingly embarrassing stories of Clay growing up and we all toasted our non-alcoholic drinks to the people who couldn't be there to celebrate with us.
I kissed Clay under the stars and told him how proud I am of him and how thankful I am to have him in my life then at midnight we took our places on the steps of Sayles Hall and lip sang the Alma Mater with the rest of our graduation class. Once that off key nightmare was over I moved to flee the scene of the vocal crime that has been committed only to have Clay grab my hand to kiss me again. He kissed me until the steps were empty and then he looked down at our feet and pulled a black box from his pocket, sinking to his knee before me.
I'd like to say that I wasn't that cliché girl that gasped into her palm with tears in her eyes but I did just that, gazing at this beautiful man as he poured his heart out to me on those steps and asked me to be his wife.
We got married on a Tuesday and a few years later, after seeing the world - and three different Comic-Con's - to my dismay, Clay eventually kept his promise and filled our home with two unruly boys who grew up into sullen teenagers then respectable young men. When they sat at our messy kitchen table with their heads in their hands like the world was falling apart around them we were right there to assure them it gets better.
x
Epilogue
Clay
My life isn't divided into Hannah and after Hannah anymore. It hasn't been for a long time. There's only Ava now and our boys and they breathe new life into my soul every single day. I wish I could go back and assure my younger self that things would turn out alright for me but every kid has to go through it and find their own path. I thank God every day that Ava was my path and I thank all the people before her who got me this far because I wouldn't be the man I am today without them.
