A/N:Trigger warning, descriptions of a panic attack.
Sora was taken aback that Riku was being short with him about Tiffany. He was only curious because the woman was clearly into Riku. The simple fact that Riku hasn't made a move was bizarre. Thinking about it, Sora couldn't recall Riku ever dating…anyone.
Was it because he wanted to date Kairi but didn't because he knew Sora wanted to? Before their lives were turned upside down from the attack on their island. Riku challenged him to a race betting that the winner would get to share a Paopu fruit with Kairi. Riku did win their race but said that Sora could claim the prize at the time.
Then the attack happened. They were all scattered and all that mattered was finding his friends. Sora had encountered Riku a number of times before they eventually fought. In those interactions, Riku seemed consumed with "saving" Kairi. Determined to be the one to do it. Maybe he did have feelings for Kairi, it was clear when they were younger that they both did. Or maybe that was the Darkness talking and not actually Riku?
Even so, Sora couldn't believe that would stop Riku from dating other people. Returning home Riku encouraged Sora to date Kairi. Claiming he was not interested. Not interested. Seems to be a theme. Then who was he interested in?
Sora was pulled from his thoughts when Riku announced that lunch was ready. Sora was still somewhat full after breakfast, but he knew he couldn't say he wasn't hungry. Riku would be concerned about him and give him that look all day. Sora hated that look, the I-feel-guilty-that-I-can't-do-more-look. Which always turned into an I'm-worried-about-you-look. Sora didn't need that, he just wanted to be treated like normal.
It's one of the reasons why Sora wouldn't talk about his issues with Riku. The man didn't get it. The more Sora dwells on them the more he feels like he will never get better. Never return to the way things used to be. Then again, ignoring things hasn't worked either. Sora was at a real loss. He was just doing what was comfortable for him.
"So, this morning," Riku started, clearing his throat a little from what seemed like nerves. Sora looked up at Riku trying to think of where he was going with this. It took a moment, but his brain caught up with him. Their sleeping arrangement. "Did...was that awkward?" Riku asked vaguely.
"You mean, sharing a bed?" Sora asked bluntly. He wasn't sure why Riku was being weird about it. They used to sleep in the same bed all the time when they had sleepovers when they were kids.
Riku had a look of surprise at Sora's bluntness. Should Sora feel awkward about sleeping in the same bed as Riku? Was there something he was missing? Maybe it was because they were cuddling? Sora was a little weirded out by it at first, but that quickly went away when he noticed how comfortable he was. How safe he felt with Riku's arm over him.
"Uh, yeah. I just...I don't want to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable." Riku explained after a few moments of studying Sora's face.
"Oh," Sora nodded slowly, "Well, I wasn't uncomfortable at all." He admitted he was still not seeing what the big deal was. "It was the best sleep I had in years. So, if anything, I was very comfortable."
"O-Oh that's...that's good." Riku broke out in a big smile before quickly suppressing it by taking a large bite of his food. Even with food in his mouth, Sora could still see he was smiling. Why was Riku so happy? "Would you want to keep sleeping together?" Riku asked after swallowing. His face turned red and started rambling, "Not...not like that, but...you know sharing a bed. To sleep, just sleep."
Sora chuckled. It was nice to see Riku get frazzled over something for a change. It was kind of...cute. The thought surprised Sora, but he didn't regret it. It was cute. Riku wasn't immune to being embarrassed.
"Yeah, we can give it a try, see if it continues to help me sleep." Sora smiled, he thought about teasing Riku, but he was embarrassed enough. He'll let it go, this time. He returned his attention to his lunch and ate what he could, which wasn't much. He was nervous that Riku was going to fret over him.
"I'll save this for you," Was all he said as he cleared the table.
After lunch Sora went into Riku's room to unpack his things. Riku offered some closet space as well as a drawer. It felt a little odd to share a closet with Riku. It was something you did with a romantic partner, not a roommate. Although, Riku didn't really have another place for Sora to put his clothes. His other closet was small and was already full of coats and cleaning supplies.
Riku cleared a drawer for Sora in his dresser and returned to the living room to give Sora space. That's what it felt like at least. He hadn't spoken to Sora much since they returned from the grocery store. Not about anything serious, that is. Sora could tell that he wanted to talk about what happened. Maybe he should. So far talking with Riku has made him feel better. He never felt that way with Kairi.
She would try to understand, but there was a look she gave him. A look that told him he needed to just "get over it". There was concern on her face as well, but he knew she was growing tired of the non-stop issues with Sora. That was only a few months into their relationship. He didn't know how she managed to put up with him for so long. She must have felt trapped, being the only one that knew what Sora was dealing with. That she couldn't leave him when he was suffering so much. It must have been a relief for her to find another person to pawn him off to.
Despite Sora's reluctance for Riku to know about his struggles, he was really helping. Sora was surprised to say the least. Riku never was the comforting type. He used humor to defuse situations and was aloof most of the time. Sora didn't think Riku would want to be there for Sora in the way he needed. Or believed he needed.
However, so far things with Riku have been going well. He finally slept through the night. Riku provided affection when he asked and even when he didn't. Like at the store. He took Sora's hand without a word. Sora was so grateful, feeling more grounded holding Riku's hand. A level of security he hasn't felt since coming home.
After leaving the store, however, he felt unsure. Not because of anything Riku did. It was Sora's own insecurities and nerves that got to him. Convincing himself that Riku wouldn't want to continue holding hands with his male best friend. What would people think? Sora didn't want Riku to be embarrassed, so he let go once they were outside again. The fresh air did help him a lot, but he would be lying if he didn't miss the feeling of Riku's hand in his.
Maybe it would be better to try talking to him about everything. Expressing his feelings instead of suppressing them like he's been doing. Sora was nervous of course. When he explained his feelings and nightmares to Kairi, they seemed to make things worse. He didn't understand why. Not that it matters, it happened. The nightmares turned into night terrors and things only got better once Riku was involved.
That was a fact. Riku was able to get him back to sleep with ease. He prevented another night terror from manifesting last night. Somehow Riku had the ability to just know what to do without much effort on his part. All in a very short amount of time. Sora took a deep breath, making up his mind. He would talk with Riku. He would open up to him. Even if it's difficult, he'll do it.
Unpacking didn't take long at all. Sora didn't accumulate a lot over the last two years. He was worried that he would be transported to another world. Or wake up and find out that this was all a dream. It never felt right to put down roots and collect memories or things for the sake of having them. That could be why he never felt at home.
Sora made his way out to the living room to head to the bathroom. He just had his toiletries left to unpack. Riku was on the couch watching the weather channel. He glanced up at Sora as he walked by giving him a small smile. Sora returned it before entering the bathroom.
He didn't have much, once again. He finished with his shower items and completed putting away his counter items when he added his toothbrush to Riku's stand. It was official. He was moved in.
"…next week there will be tropical storms coming. Those near the water should take the necessary precautions and…" The meteorologist reported before Riku muted the T.V., when Sora returned to the living room.
He adjusted himself to face Sora as he sat down next to him. There was anticipation in the air. Riku wanted to talk. Doesn't look like Sora was going to have much of a choice. Although, he had already decided to talk with Riku. Just didn't think it would be now.
"Finished already?" Riku started. He was going to ease into it then.
"Yup, didn't have a lot really." Sora shrugged, "Thank you for making space for me." He added. Riku was doing a lot for Sora.
"Well, I want you to feel at home as much as possible." he said lightly. Sora only nodded, right this was going to be his home. Taking up space in Riku's place. Offering Sora so much. Too much. "We haven't…I want to give you space. I just…I…" Riku groaned unable to get his thoughts out. "Are you feeling better?" he finally asked. Sora knew that wasn't what he wanted to ask, but considered the question, nonetheless.
Sora thought for a moment. Not really acknowledging before how he was feeling. Checking in with his feelings was something he's been avoiding for a while now. When he did it was always negative. He was sad a lot, angry even and most of the time just numb. He didn't know what to make of the last one, so he ignored it. In doing so he ignored most of his emotions, just to make it through the day.
At the moment he felt anxious. Not because of Riku's questioning. It was remnants from his earlier panic in the store. He just couldn't shake the feeling off. So again, he ignored it until now. There was a lot of energy going through him. Energy that he didn't know what to do with. It wasn't the type he could burn off with working out. It left him feeling tired but too awake to sleep. It was exhausting.
"I am, I guess."
"You guess?"
Sora sighed, not from annoyance but to release some of the tension from his body. "I'm glad to be somewhere quiet but I still feel…wound up." He admitted.
"Okay, well we could go for a walk. That might help?" Riku suggested, but Sora just shook his head no. Leaving the apartment didn't feel like the best idea. It made him more anxious at the thought. "Alright, we can stay here. I got movies and video games. We can just hang out, like old time." Riku smiled. Sora's hands started to fidget catching Riku's attention. "Would some affection help? Like at the store earlier. When I…held your hand?"
Sora's hands stopped abruptly. His panic spiked unexpectedly. Riku was asking him, but did he mean it? Did he want to provide Sora with affection? Or was he just asking to be nice? The panic tainted his thoughts. They raced from one unreasonable thought to another. The simple request suddenly felt like too much. He needed too much. He was too much. The consent reassurance, attention, affection that he needed. It was going to overwhelm Riku, just like Kairi. Riku wouldn't put up with Sora as long as Kairi did. Nor should he. It wasn't fair to Riku. Surely, he was going to grow tired of Sora. He was going to see that he wasn't going to get better. The nightmares weren't going to stop. He was fooling himself. That's what he was, a fool. A pathic fool. No wonder Kairi broke up with him. Cheated on him. Pawned him off to Riku once she saw her out. Riku was going to do the same. He was going to kick Sora out. It was only a matter of time. Not if, but when. What would he do then? Where would he go? He didn't want to be alone. He couldn't be alone. That's what was going to happen. He knew it. He was a burden after all. A work in progress that was never going to progress. Riku would see soon enough. He would know that all this effort wasn't going to be worth it. He would disappear from his life. Sora would be left with no one. Alone. And it was all his fault.
He couldn't breathe.
Suddenly he was in Riku's arms in a tight hug. He could feel Riku taking deep breaths using their contact to have Sora feel them. Knowing he would start to mimic the action in time. A few deep breaths later Sora slowly started following suit. Sora's body was shaking, his hands going to Riku's chest. Gripping Riku's shirt so tightly his knuckles were white. Riku rubbed circles on Sora's back as he continued with deep breaths.
"It's okay, you're okay Sora." he said softly. Repeating the words over and over for Sora to focus on.
They stayed like that for what felt like hours but was truly only about two minutes. Sora's grip on Riku's shirt loosened and his body stopped shaking. He was calming down, his negative thoughts retreating to the back of his mind. He was okay, he was okay.
Sora pulled away slightly but stayed in Riku's arms. It was just enough so he could see Riku's face. The man was concerned but relieved that Sora was calmer now. Riku moved one of his arms away from Sora but made sure to continue rubbing circles on the younger man's back. He took his free hand and gently brushed the tears away from Sora's cheeks with his thumb. Sora didn't even realize he was crying.
"It's okay, you're okay Sora." Riku repeated, giving him a gentle smile.
"I…I'm sorry." Sora whispered, his voice breaking from the tears. He felt embarrassed, but didn't look away from Riku. Riku's expression flickered with some confusion for a second before returning to his gentle smile.
"Nothing for you to be sorry about. I'm sorry I grabbed you like that. I tried to talk to you, but you didn't seem to hear me. Do you want me to let go?" Riku kept his voice soft. No trance of anger, annoyance or judgement. Sora was finding it hard to speak. He felt drained and didn't have the energy to speak again. He just continued taking deep breaths and focusing on Riku.
When Sora didn't answer Riku started to remove himself from Sora. Another spike of panic hit Sora feeling Riku leave.
"No!" He practically shouted as fresh tears ran down his face. His death grip on Riku's shirt returned, pulling on it so Riku couldn't move. Riku froze a bit surprised by Sora shouting. He corrected his face to one of calm.
Returning his hands back to their places. One on his back and one on his cheek, "Okay, I'm right here Sora." He assured him, he wiped the fresh tears from his cheeks. Sora leaned into the touch. Enjoying how Riku's callous thumb felt against his skin. Even with the roughness of his skin he managed to be so gentle with his touch.
"Thank you." Sora whispered. Closing his eyes for a moment as he relaxed into Riku's touch. His cheek ended up in Riku's palm. He liked the feeling of Riku's big hands. They were warm and felt strong. He never realized before how comforting that thought was. He calmed down again. The earlier panic washing away from his system.
"I hope I didn't upset you before, with my question." Riku whispered, matching Sora's tone. Sora's eyes opened, wanting to look at Riku before answering. He needed to feel strong and Riku made him feel that way.
"No, you didn't upset me. I upset me." Sora assured him, his voice still low, above a whisper but not by much. The effort to project his voice was more than he could handle. Removing one of his hands from Riku's shirt to grab his hand that was on his cheek. He pulled it from his face and interlaced their fingers, giving a gentle squeeze. He stared down at their hands, feeling he needed to change his focus. "You were right, I did want affection. I just…I spiraled."
"About what?"
"I…" Sora took a deep breath, releasing a small "woo" as he released it. "I need too much. I am going to be a burden to you, like I was to Kairi…and I'll end up alone." Sora managed to say. Leaving out most not wanting to relive it.
"I don't feel that way about you Sora. You're my best friend. I want to help." Riku assured him.
"You do now." Sora retorted, snapping his attention back to Riku's face. Again, there were no signs of judgment from the older man. His expression remained calm as he listened to Sora. "Now it's easy. What if it gets as bad as before?"
"Was finding me easy?" Riku shot back. Sora's eyes widened slightly. He didn't think of that. His search for Riku was long, difficult on many fronts. It wasn't easy, but he did it anyway.
"…No."
"Exactly, you didn't give up on me. I'm not going to give up on you."
