1998
March 2nd
Mount Sinai Morgue
Olivia watched Melinda as she rolled down the sheet over her mother's body. She didn't need the formality of it, she knew it was Serena's body. Stiff and cold. But Melinda and Cragen would have it no other way.
She took one final look at her mother and turned away from it all, wishing that could be the last time she ever needed to think about her mom or her past again. "That's her," she whispered to Elliot.
"I'm so sorry, Liv," he tried to comfort her.
Cragen who stood on the other side of her also chimed in a ", Sorry for your loss, Liv."
She held back her hatred for the phrase 'sorry for your loss', and nodded. That was the kind of thing people say when they don't really know the deceased. And in the case of her mother, nobody in Olivia's life knew her, because Olivia kept it that way. She sometimes wondered what Serena would have been like if she had never been raped. Would she still have been the person to choose fear and worry over love and light? If only she could have found light after that dark pivot point of her life. Light in Olivia. Light in her own strength. Maybe then Olivia could feel something worth sympathy at a time like this. Maybe then Serena could have left Olivia something other than her dirty apartment and her trauma. And it wasn't her fault that she was left to deal with it, but it still hurt Olivia. All she wanted was to be able to smile and feel happiness on a night that should have ended with joy and love. And here she was again, beign robbed of it by her mother.
She couldn't sit in those thoughts. She refused to dwell on it all. She turned her mother's body over to the ME department and looked the other way, like it was any old case, and she was the detective assigned to it.
"Do we know how this happened," is all she said in return to Cragen's sympathies.
"We watched the security footage. She appears drunk. Ran down the subway stairs and fell halfway. Hit her head and neck."
Olivia nodded again, unsurprised. "20 blocks from Sully's…I don't know what she was thinking. And she was alone?"
"It appears that way, but we're still investigating," Cragen gently responded. "Liv, take as many days as you need. And...this Joe Hollister, I have Fin checking in on it, if we find any foul play, you'll be the first to know."
"Mm..I'm fine really. A nap and some coffee and I can be back at it," her tired voice cracked, and she yawned.
"You can't work this case, Liv. Go home for two days. That's an order. You too Elliot. We have this under control," Cragen put his foot down.
Elliot touched her shoulder. "Liv, he's right."
She looked down at her dress and back at his red eyes. They were both disheveled and in party clothes. A wreck after walking and driving the streets in heels and dress shoes, listening to her mother's voicemails on repeat for hours to try and figure out what direction she may have gone. The additional mental load of replaying her night with Joe Hollister in the midst of the search hit her like a wall when they got to her mother's apartment and the inside was dark, empty, and unclean in every way. Empty bottles and food garbage were piled around the entire kitchen. The roaches scurried when she turned the light on.
Elliot watched her whole body slump at the site of it.
"I knew it was bad, but…not this bad," she touched her throbbing exhausted head, and rubbed her eyes in frustration.
"Any chance she's at a friend's house or at another bar," Elliot made a feeble attempt to ignore the obvious answer wasn't as simple.
Olivia couldn't process what he was saying, she could only think about the meeting with Hollister over and over again. "Ehh…friend…no."
Her mother's rapist, right there in the same room with her. How her mother would have been beside herself if she'd known he was in the same room with her. She looked at the call times again on her phone. 5:25pm….5:40pm….6pm. Could she have run into him? The question burned into her thoughts.
"What are you thinking? Talk to me." Elliot could read her face.
"I can't help thinking something horrible happened….I called my biological father today. He was at the precinct…"
"Joe Hollister," he responded.
"That's the one."
"Okay," Elliot blinked half infuriated at her for doing that alone, and half surprised. "What…ah…what made you want to do that today?"
"The case…the details of that case were…"
"Very similar to Serena's, yep. I thought that too, but wish you would have talked it through with me before you just…did that," he finished, while sifting through mail. He pulled out a pizza ad from the pile. "So…that's a lot to take in. You want to tell me what happened?"
"It is a lot. I can't even begin to go through it with you right now. Just…he left around 5:45…right when Alex showed up, and Sully's is only a block away and he would have had to have walked by it to get to Penn Station….I can't believe that I didn't even think about her when he left. It was foolish."
Elliot leaned on the table with a deep stare into her eyes.. He took up the whole area with his broad shoulders. "With everything that happened yesterday, you couldn't have forethought that. I'm just surprised you had the bastard in the precinct and you didn't cuff him or kill him?"
"Trust me I tried. But...No…and, I will," she said with a glazed-over stare.
"There she is. Just checking," he attempted to banter with her. "Cause if you don't…I will."
She flickered a soft gaze at him, and that was enough for him to know she was okay.
"Do you think she could have run into him," she asked, too tired and worn out to trust her gut, she needed his approval.
"Would she remember what he looked like?"
Olivia picked up the overflowing garbage can in her mother's kitchen as she thought. "Probably not… it's just that last voicemail…it worries me. She's just breathing…sounds like she's talking to someone or herself. I thought it was maybe someone at the bar…but she'd have been home by now. If something wasn't wrong she'd have been home by now…"
"Okay, breathe, we'll find her. Let's get the recording to IT, and in the meantime, I have 5 bars and restaurants from her mail we can check out. Maybe someone will know something. You okay," he asked as she closed her eyes and took in a stifled breath.
"Yeah…," She fiddled with the new ring on her finger. ", just really wish none of this was happening."
"Is it too big or loose," he asked noticing her fuss with it.
"No. no. Perfect. Just...not used to it."
He kissed her on the forehead. "Come on. Let's check these places."
On their way back to Midtown, Fin and Munch had found Serena at the 7th and 52nd subway station.
The 911 dispatch could be heard on their radio saying the woman had a head wound and wasn't breathing. Olivia knew in that moment she was gone.
Olivia's Apartment
Olivia reluctantly went home. They both undressed and fell under the sheets. Not a word more was spoken.
Elliot wrapped his arms around her and they lay entwined as they fell into a deep sleep. When Olivia opened her eyes it was growing dark outside. Dark was such an easy thing for Olivia to sit in.
She stayed comfortable in his embrace and traced the details of his chest. Thoughts of her mother and Hollister flashed around in her meditative state. Thoughts of putting Hollister behind bars meshed with how she was going to make burial plans and go through her mother's apartment, and write an obituary. How do you write an obituary about a woman you felt estranged from? 'Serena Benson English professor died because she wanted to ruin her daughter's engagement party by getting wasted beforehand.' or 'Serena Benson was brutally murdered by her rapist and her daughter's biological father. She leaves behind her daughter Olivia Benson, and an apartment full of roaches and empty vodka bottles. God rest her soul.' She wished so badly she could think of a good memory with her mom, but there was very little there.
"Morning," he softly broke the silence.
"Did I wake you, "she nuzzled into his side and stretched.
"I could hear you thinking. What time is it," he softly spoke. Sleep caught in his voice. His hand gently touched her hair with endearment.
"No idea. Has to be late afternoon," she now reached over his chest and slipped her fingers into his hand. His thumb played with the ring.
"You sleep okay," he kissed her head.
"Yeah," she kissed his chest and looked at the diamond. Even in the dark room, she could see it glimmer in the pale light peaking through the shades.
"Do you like it," he asked because he truly wasn't confident in his choice.
"Love it," she said with a throaty delightful sexiness, before she kissed his chest again and smiled.
They sat in a pause and lightly petted each other's bodies. He fingered the shape of her breast and she teased his lower abdomen. Olivia stopped abruptly.
"Penny for your thoughts," he asked.
"oh nothing. I was thinking about how wonderful you are," she pushed away the dark images in her mind.
"Lies."
"Hm," the sound of her holding back a light laugh vibrated against him. "I hate that you know me so well. I don't want to talk about what was on my mind right now. Is that okay?"
"Yeah."
"I'm not ready."
She turned her face to look at him. "Plus, I'd rather be thinking about you and us. You….my whole world. Truly, I have no one anymore. Not a single family member to call if I needed them, so I hope you're ready for this responsibility. I'm utterly alone in this world without you."
"Shhh," he held her tightly. "Don't say that. You have many friends that love you very much."
"Sorry...I'm whining. Life is so fleeting."
"It's okay to mourn her, Liv."
"I know. I will…in my own way. You worked so hard to create one of the most memorable nights of my life, and in true form, I messed it all up."
"You didn't mess anything up. It was perfect," he squeezed her.
"You're an even better liar than I am," she ran her hand around the side of his face.
"Would I have liked to have lifted you over the threshold of this tiny little bedroom and made love to my future wife last night? Sure. But just being here with you, knowing that you're safe, that's all I ever hope for."
"That would have been a really nice night," she ran her hand up his thigh.
"Hey..hey," he twitched. "We have our whole lives to make perfect nights. We can give last night to your mom. Who through all her transgressions managed to birth and raise an incredible daughter, and she deserved better."
"You're right."
"I'm still getting over that the incredible woman said yes to marriage to a balding detective with a crap paycheck and a nice ass."
She lifted her head and laughed. "Is an ass, more like it."
He chuckled. "That too."
She pulled her lips up to his and they nuzzled and kissed.
"How about… I show you," she kissed his neck. "what I have wanted to do to the most incredible man," she nuzzled his chest and he watched her body and breasts in the darkness inch their way around his body. "...a man who is sooo sure of himself," she grazed his hard-on with her hand. Teasing him.. ", that he invited over one hundred people to watch him propose to an ultra badass feminist anti-establishment girl like me."
"You forgot dirty."
She laughed and continued to tease him.
"yeah...I guess that takes some balls. Bold move on my part," he stifled his moan. "But I knew it would take something over the top to get you to say yes the first time. That or I would have begged," he half joked and watched her pull his underwear down.
"Was that your plan B...begging," She said sultry and playful. He loved when she took the lead.
"I have no shame. Oh...yes please do more of that," he seethed with pleasure.
"Aw….zaddy…you never need to beg. Of course, I was going to say yes," she then licked him and took him, and he shuddered like a little animal being hunted.
"You..are a…wild card…Benson," he gripped the sheets as she rolled her tongue around him.
Then when he was more than ready for her, she slowly lifted her hips on top. "I'm very wild," she whispered into his ear. "Unpredictable."
She sat up and rolled her hips slow. "Ehhhh….," she moaned and held his gaze. She loved watching him spin out of control.
He pulled himself together to hold out as long as he could, and then took his time with his hands as she enjoyed herself on top of him. Her legs were days long and he grabbed her thighs and pushed his hips into her.
"Uh-huh, I'm the boss," she playfully scolded him.
"Hmmm, you sure about that...," he could barely stand not taking her and releasing himself. His thumb made it's way to her most sensitive spot and worked like a charm. She melted and writhed. All of her bad thoughts went right out of her mind. He washed away all of her worries like a priest on sunday with holy water, and she released everything all over him.
"Mmm…nobody's ever had me like you, Elliot Stabler," she said catching her breath. "You have to promise you won't break my heart."
"I could never," he breathed heavy.
He knew she had more in her and he grabbed her hands and pulled her to the side. They locked fingers and eyes and he sat up and took control.
He pulled her arms around his neck and ran his hand slowly down her back and around her hips. He wanted every part of her all at once, while thumping slowly in and out of her. Unspoken rhythms both slow then fast, and intentional, until she stopped her breath and tensed up around him, while he kissed and sucked her perfect nipples. When she released this time a loud cry fell out of her throat and he pushed faster until he finished.
He let his head fall onto her chest and kissed the ring on her hand.
'Ah," he sighed. "I love you. Eh god you're so hot and amazing. I wanted to do that for days."
"Ha," she sighed back. "We really need to take more days off…and that's an order."
