Lyrics to Birthday by The Beatles (1968)

Frankie Velazquest was the resident mad scientist.

Yeah, corny, huh?

Genius kids were a TV trope that had seen time and again. Sure, you rarely ever meet an actual genius four year old in real life, so it's actually super rare, but it seemed like they were all over the place anyway. What made it even stranger in this case was the fact that Frankie wasn't the only pint sized Einstein in Royal Woods. Just across the street was Lisa Loud. She and Frankie were naturally an item, but let's hold off on getting into the convoluted and tangled web that was the Loud/Velazquest relationship tree. This one was dating that one, blah blah blah, you know, high school sitcom junk. Heck, even Sammy and Lily were dating. Their dates consisted of them watching Paw Patrol together and eating finger foods at the little plastic table in Lily's bedroom like Lady and the Tramp sucking spaghetti in a back alley.

Where was we? Oh, right, Frankie. Frankie, who with his shock of white hair, goggles, lab coat and high tech wheelchair looking like a bad guy in a Ratchet and Clank game, was an inventor. He loved tinkering with things and pumping out gadgets. He had even made hologram watches for all his siblings. If you wanted to call Leo, for instance, you pressed a button, said "Call Leo," and a tiny little hologram of Leo would appear. Johnny thought it was really ill and kids were wowing him over it. They all offered mad money for their own, but when Johnny brought Frankie the idea of producing more for profit, the little smarty pants turned him down. "I'm in this for the sheer love of inventing, and for the hopes of improving the lot of mankind," he said and solemnly placed his hand over his heart. "Not to turn a profit."

Boo. You suck. You'd think someone of such vast and superior intellect would realize that making a profit was necessary in life, but noooo, Frankie had "principles" and "ethics."

What a freaking lame-o.

Frankie sat at the table, pulled a plate from inside his lab coat, and sat it before himself. He took out a tiny bean from his pocket, sat it on the plate, and passed a heat wand over it. The bean turned into scrambled eggs, bacon, and sausage. He dug in while the others looked at him longingly. Leo cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. "I hope you brought enough for everyone," he said.

"No, in fact, this is my last one. Sorry."

He spoke in a blunt, cut and dried manner, but Leo knew he was telling the truth and that he was, in fact, sorry for not including everyone else. Unlike the stereotypical big brain in movies and TV who had no feelings, Frankie was very in touch with his emotions. He openly watched chick flicks and cried at weddings…and funerals…and school plays…and when his favorite wrestler lost a match…or won a match, for that matter.

"Next time just bring some for everyone, okay?" Leo asked.

"I dunno." Tommy said, "Maybe I'm old school, but I'm not too hot on eating fake food from a capsule dude."

Frankie swallowed a bite of eggs, "I assure you, this food is not fake. It is healthy, nutritious, and made from 100 percent real ingredients."

"It looks good." David said, "But still."

"Still what?" Frankie asked.

David shrugged, "It's just kind of weird, that's all."

"Change always seems weird to us." Frankie opined. "We must not let that deter us from carrying on and moving forward into the future."

The older siblings at the table looked at each other and shrugged. It was true. Change was always a little strange and uncomfortable at first. Once you've done something for so long, anything else seems alien, impossible, even. If Frankie was right and it was real food coming out of those tablets, then there really wasn't a problem. Delilah, for her part, thought they were fine…but wondered about the taste. There was no way you could prepare a meal the way Frankie just had and have it taste like anything but a freeze dried facsimile of the real thing. Certainly it wouldn't taste fresh, that was impossible. It might be "good" and good for you but yeah, she didn't think it could hold a candle to Johnny's cooking.

Most of the sibling were eating at this point, but Johnny was looking on his phone. Johnny plugged WHAT DO TWO YEAR OLD GIRLS LIKE into Google. Pictures of pink toys, clothes, and bedspreads popped up. Below was a list.

The Best Toys and Gifts For Any 2-Year-Old Girl

VTech Touch and Learn Activity Desk Deluxe, Pink.

Joystar Kids Balance Bike.

Star Light Rotating Projector with Timer.

Playz Princess Castle Play Tent.

The Wonderful Things You Will Be.

Baby Starters Plush Snuggle Buddy, Sugar N Spice Doll.

Step2 Fun with Friends Kitchen.

More items...

"Hm. The plush buddy doll thingie was king of cute and the play tent looked like fun if you could fit in it." Johnny said and checked the prices and swooned, "Oh, lawd." Johnny however bit the bullet and bought both of them because he missed last year and, hey, you only turn two once, right?

Frankie noticed Johnny on his phone, "Is something the matter fifth oldest sibling?"

"I'm good brain box, I'm just getting Lily a gift and she is kinda hard to shop for." Johnny said.

Frankie understood his bro situation, Johnny was a sociable guy. He had many associates. Them being the Louds. Therefore, it seemed like every day was someone's birthday. Lana and Lola's in February, Lisa in March, Lori in April, Leni in May, Lynn and Lincoln in June, there were a lot.

Because he was a good guy, Johnny tried to get everybody a little something-something for their big day. Make no mistake, he wasn't a money-blowing simp about it, throwing away hundreds of dollars on each present, but he'd spend five, maybe ten bucks. If he came empty-handed, he'd feel guilty, so he had to get something. Curse of being a "nice guy" he supposed. Some people can roll up with nothing and be like oh sorry, but not him.

Not that spending ten bucks on a friend was a big deal. He and Lincoln had steady revenue from their many side businesses and always had a little spending money on hand; never much, but enough that he could bite the bullet and put down a few dollars for special occasions. Now Christmas was a different story because instead of buying for one person, you're buying for everyone. For Christmas, he set aside five dollars for each friend and family member and five dollars only. If he saw something he knew you'd love and it was twenty dollars, he might splurge and get it for your birthday, but not for Christmas. You'd get stationary, a discounted Funko POP, or some candy bars, no exceptions.

Frankie to keep from forgetting everyone's birthdays, he penciled each one into an datebook he found in the attic: It was for the calendar year 1991 and featured Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior on the cover, along with the old chrome WWF logo. He didn't have everyone's birthday committed to memory, but he could remember the month or season.

Then we had Lily.

Lily.

Shopping for girls was hard but manageable - when in doubt, get them make-up or bath products. Shopping for a two year old girl was something else entirely, though. What do they like? Lily was too young for all of the normal girly stuff like Barbie dolls and Easy Bake Ovens, but she was just a smidgen too old for baby toys. At least he thought she was. He rarely ever saw her with a toy. Every time he came over, she was either napping, toddling around, watching TV, or playing with a blanket.

Leo overheard this, "Yeah buying Lily stuff sounds like headache, but we don't wanna leave her hanging."

The others agreed even Sammy.

"You're tearing me apart!" Sammy yelled.

Johnny sighed, "Yeah I only managed to get gift now cause a week ago Papa Loud and I were baking brownies and brought up making a chocolate lava cake for Lily's birthday."

Delilah looked around, "Anyone need help getting a gift for her birthday?"

A couple of siblings rose their hands.

Frankie raised his hand as well, "I could use some assistance in acquiring a gift for the youngest Loud sibling." Frankie gave a nervous smile.

Delilah smiled, "Ok let's to go the mall later and look for gifts."

"Noice. Time to buy something sick for Lily." David said.

"Let's do this!" Larry yelled.

They clear the table and head to the mall.

At the mall

The siblings arrive and look around.

"Okay, where should we start?" Delilah asked.

They hear a gate opening, look over and see a store called 'Discount Menagerie', the clerk turns the lights on in the display windows, and the figurines glow in different colors.

"Ohhhh!" The siblings are amazed.

The siblings are awed by this and take a closer look.

"One of these would look rockin' hangin' from my rear view mirror! What should I get?" Tommy asked.

Leo grabbed Tommy, "Hang there dude we gotta get Lily a gift not yourself one."

"Leo's right guys, we need to keep looking." Johnny said.

All except Charlie leave.

Charlie whispers to the clerk, "How much for the unicorn?"

Leo returns and carries Charlie away under his arm.

"Wait Lola would love a unicorn!" Charlie yelled then gives a look filled with Disappointment.

The siblings continue through the mall, when Frankie sees a store.

A toy store.

"A toy store! Perhaps we can find a gift that fits Lily's taste?" Frankie suggested.

The group entered the toy store with a wooden sign hanging over the door and low, comfortable lighting in the front windows. Inside, tall wooden shelves loomed over narrow aisles. Toys of every description watched them approach. Frankie saw teddy bears, cars and airplanes made out of wood, dolls with creepy porcelain faces, and rusted metal tinker toys that probably hadn't been played with in years.

Leo shoved his hands into the pockets of his surplus army jacket and moseyed up and down the board games aisle while the others peeped the girl toys. Leo scanned stacks of boxes with colorful artwork, stopping to pick up one with RISK across the spine in red. Leo liked Risk: The object of the game was to take over the whole world and there was nothing quite as fun as waging jihad against the entire globe. When he and Frankie played they had a blast.

This version of Risk included extra game pieces and all new shipping routes between countries, that way you could take your battle to the high seas. Huh. Pretty nifty. He looked for the price tag and cringed. Oh, come on, it's not worth that much.

Putting it back, he found Luis and Ronnie Anne looking at a teddy bear that talked when you squeezed its belly. "Hi, I'm Bucky, wanna play? I like being hugged. I'm your friend to the end he he he."

It's beady black glistened with malevolence and its frozen smile struck Ronnie as forced, as though Bucky was only pretending to be happy. The moment you turned your back, it would fall into a hateful glower. It would reach behind its back, pull out a knife, and get to its feet…

Shiver.

"That thing's creepy.." Ronnie Anne said.

"I know." Luis said and picked it up, "It's perfect."

"Lame-O, you're not getting that for Lily. It'll scare her." Ronnie Anne said putting her hands on her hips.

Luis shot her a deadpan look, "You told me you got your brother a package filled with soiled diapers."

Ronnie Anne looked away, "Yeah well."

"Another present was a gift when opened would splattered him with eggs." Luis continued.

Ronnie Anne started playing with her ponytail, "Yeah, but you see-"

"Let's not forget your brother's gift of your late pet Sergio attacking him while a camera deploys itself and takes a picture of the attack." Luis added.

"Heck last year you gave him a box filled with a huge amount of expired ketchup." Luis said.

"Ok ok what's your point?" Ronnie asked looking at Luis again.

"My point is with your record on birthday gifts. You're not the one to gatekeep birthday presents." Luis said.

Ronnie glared Luis, "I'm just trying to stop you from scaring a baby Lame-O." Reacting on instinct, Ronnie slapped the bear from Luis's hands, and it fell to the floor. "That wasn't very nice," it said.

"Yeah." Luis said, "You should apologies, Lamette."

"Shut up, Lame-O." Ronnie Anne said then pointed to bear, "That bear's evil. You're not buying it."

Luis glared back at Ronnie Anne, "Oh really? How are you gonna stop me?"

Ronnie Anne cocked her fist. Leo was gonna step in, but before she could throw it, the bear spoke. "Break his jaw, Ronnie."

They all looked down at the bear...then backed away slowly.

Frankie looked around he sees a toy red fox wearing a purple jacket holding a mic in it's hand.

"What is that?" Frankie asked.

"Fenton the Feel-Better Fox." Delilah said walking up to Frankie with Sammy in hand.

Sammy notices Fenton, "Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy."

"Fenton?" Frankie asked.

"It's a singing toy, I saw a picture of Lori holding it as a baby. Bet Lily would like it." Delilah said.

Frankie looked at the fox toy and smiled, "I think I found the perfect gift."

After leaving the store with gifts in hand, they split with Ronnie Anne, who walked off into the gathering gloom. When they got home, Johnny was pleasantly surprised to find two packages from Amazon waiting for him on the doorstep. "Sweet." he said and plucked them from the porch.

After getting their gifts together Johnny fetched a roll of wrapping paper from the closet and everyone wrapped their gifts for Lily.

Saturday afternoon, the Velazquest siblings walked over to the Loud house. On Friday, the weather turned nasty and six inches of wet, slushy snow fell over central Michigan, so the party was held inside. Lily was chilling in the middle of the living room floor when they rolled in, dressed in a white T-shirt and lavender shorts, and a yellow paper party hat with purple polka dots. The Fenton Fox Show was on and Lily slapped her bare feet and laughed at the silly antics of her favorite cartoon characters. Mr. Loud balanced on a kitchen chair and hung decorations, Lori directed him (a little to the left!), Luan was dressed like a clown and provided entertainment for Lana and Lola, and Luna jammed out on her guitar, singing off-key.

You say it's your birthday

It's my birthday too, yeah

They say it's your birthday

We're gonna have a good time

I'm glad it's your birthday

Happy birthday to you

Lynn and Lincoln were having a slapboxing match, Lucy, dressed like a witch, chased a screaming Leni up the stairs, and Lisa danced to the music with a lampshade on her head. "This special apple juice has removed inhibitions," she said and shook her butt. The smell of warm, baking cake seasoned the air and Johnny took a big whiff. Oh, yeah, he could not wait.

The Velazquest siblings took their presents into the dining room and sat them on the table. They went into the living room and sat on either side of Lily. "Happy Birthday, Lily!" The Velazquest siblings yelled.

"Goo, gah, poo-poo," Lily said and blew a spit bubble.

Mrs. Loud came in with a tray of snacks, and the moment it touched the coffee table, everyone dog-piled it. The Velazquest kids got a couple crackers and a slice of cheese and a stack of summer sausage cut into thick, ragged pieces. Next, Mrs. Loud brought out a bowl of punch with sherbet in it. It had half melt and turned the liquid a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. Johnny ladled some into a plastic cup and downed it at draught, "Man, that's good," he said and smacked his lips.

Lynn finished with her match with Lincoln and challenged David and Johnny to a slapboxing match. "I bet both of you together couldn't take me." she said.

"Give me a second!" Johnny yelled and held up his hand. He stuff his snacks and finished off his punch, "Ok ready."

Leaning over, Lynn slapped him so hard his head whipped to one side.

Johnny popped his jacket off, "Alright, c'mon!"

She charged him, and he got two good slaps in before she hit him with a flurry of stinging smacks to the chest and belly. "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU TWO!" Mr. Loud called from the kitchen. "I do not allow bloodsports in my home!"

Johnny and Lynn groaned they looked at each other, chuckled. They spent the rest of the party talking to each other.

"Gah gah pooooo." Lily said to the TV. Fenton Fox and his little woodland friends danced and sang a song about love and friendship.

Shortly, a knock came at the door and Mr. Loud answered it. A man holding a stack of pizza boxes so big that Frankie couldn't see his face was there, and Mr. Loud dug out his wallet. Frankie had never wondered how many pizzas it took to feed the Loud family, but that day he found out: Fifteen. He and family had four slices of pepperoni each, so if you took that into account, almost fifteen, though he was sure 13 people could find room for leftover slices.

After pizza, everyone gathered in the dining room for cake and ice cream. Lily sat at the head of the table in a booster seat, her face glowing in the soft candlelight. She clapped her hands as everyone sang Happy Birthday and then blew out the candles with a little help from her siblings. Johnny was eyeing that cake. The cake looked really good.

"Three layers of chocolate with white frosty, sprinkles, and…" Johnny said and started drooling Homer Simpson style.

Frankie sat between Luna and Luan. Luan had changed out of her clown costume and was now painted up like a mime, complete with black and white striped shirt and black beret. She put her hands up and felt along the air like she was trapped in a box. Milton was sitting besides her, "Stop it." he said and slapped her gently.

Luan hung her head in dejection and pulled out a sign that read, "OW."

The room was silent as everyone ate, so silent that everyone was able to hear Lily when she spoke. Slapping her empty plate, face coated in chocolate crumbs, she cried, "Wake!"

Everyone looked at her. "Did Lily just say a new word?" Lori asked.

"It sounded like she said cake." Leni said.

Lily nodded, "Wake! Weni! Wake!"

Leni's face lit up, "She said my name!"

"Can you say my name?" Lucy asked.

"Wucy!" Lily yelled.

Everyone started talking over one another, each one asking Lily to say their name or some other word. Lily looked pleased but overwhelmed by the attention. She repeated everything that was hurled at her. "Wori! Wynn! Wincoln! Wammy! Birfday! Wampire!"

Lori glared at Lucy and Lucy bristled, "Don't judge me."

When everyone tired of the game, Lily opened her presents. Of all the expensive things she got - and she got a lot of expensive things - what she went for first was the Fenton the Feel-Better Fox Frankie got her. She hugged it to her chest like it was a favorite doll and rocked from side to side. She was still holding it an hour later when she came down from her sugar high from cake and crashed on the living room floor. She thrust her butt into the air, jammed her thumb into her mouth, and slept like a little angel. Aww, she's so cute. Yes she is.

"Alright, everybody," Mr. Loud called, "Time to pitch in and clean up."

Everyone started cleaning up.

"Looks like Lily really loves your gift, Frankie." Lynn said as she picked up the teared gift wrapping.

Frankie smiled, "I'm happy Lily is happy."

The End