Chapter 41

Zuko's bladder woke him a couple hours later, and he did his best to be stealthy as he got up from the bed without waking Izara. Judging by how she didn't stir, she must have been too exhausted to be disturbed by his movements. Once he'd gone to the bathroom and relieved himself, he headed downstairs, intent on getting some work done while she rested. A decent pile of paperwork was on the coffee table, and he was still working through it. Hopefully, Izara would rest soundly while he got some things done. He sat down and got to work.

It took him through until the late afternoon, and Izara eventually came down from upstairs. He didn't move from his spot, just watching how she descended the stairs without much difficulty. She looked pale and a bit tired, but a hint of a shy smile on her face put him at ease. He sat back against the front of the lounge as he looked at her, his heart swelling with fondness and concern. He'd moved to sit on the floor a while ago, spreading some of his work into piles, sorted based on urgency to start from the most pressing and continue from there. She came over and sat beside him, her expression becoming a little sheepish. Her gaze was on the papers, purposely not looking at him as she rubbed the back of her neck.

"Um, I want to apologise." Her eyes darted around, only briefly landing on him before moving away.

Zuko relaxed, his shoulders dropping with his exhale. He picked up some papers and put them behind him to shuffle closer to her. Now that there wasn't a physical boundary between them, she dropped her eyes to the floor again. He rested his elbow on the lounge cushion, then his jaw on his hand to show she had his full attention.

"It's true that I did manipulate you to get the reaction I needed, but I just wanted to be seen as the bigger prize at that moment. If they took me, that means they wouldn't hurt or try to take you." She explained with trepidation in her voice.

He breathed slowly and nodded. "I can understand that. I can't say I appreciate the manipulation, but I know you were trying to protect me."

"I shouldn't have acted like that before. I know you saw right through me, but I apologise anyway." She faced him squarely, tucking her legs partly underneath her, but still didn't look at him.

"It's okay. It stung a little because you made it personal, but I understand."

"You understand?" She asked him with an eyebrow raised in question.

"You've been trying to push me away for a while." He answered, but her expression didn't change.

Zuko desired to tell her everything and put everything out in the open so she knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling. Before they moved forward together, he wanted to help her deal with the recent past. The reason it happened was because she was protecting himl. He shuffled a little closer and held out his hand, asking her to hold it. She gently put her hand in his but didn't look at him yet.

"So, I wanted to come here with you to take you away from everything for a few days. I hoped that maybe you would talk to me about what happened to you, but every time I try to bring it up, you brush it aside like it's nothing. I'm sure you're probably doing it to stop me worrying, but it's only making me worry more. It must have been worse than I could imagine if you won't tell me about it..." He started slowly, and her worry faded as she realised he was okay but concerned about her.

"I can't take your pain away. I just want to be able to share the burden, even if it's only one of knowledge. Before, when you told me about manipulating me, I knew it was because you were just trying to push me away. I-I can't handle it." As he finished, his eyes were on his lap, staring at their interlinked hands. He knew his eyes were glassy but tried to stave off the tears.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I was trying to stop you from worrying." She spoke in a whisper.

"I know you were. I saw your scars and bruises. You did it for me. How can I not feel partly responsible for what you went through?" His emotions made his voice tremble. "Please don't push me away; talk to me."

Taking hold of her other hand, he pleaded with her silently as he looked into her eyes. She blinked at him with an anguished expression, and her eyes were also glassy. Tilting her head back, she took a slow, controlled breath and let it out even slower. Zuko could hear that it was shaky as she held herself together, so he squeezed her hands to remind her he was there.

"Before I start, I should give some context…"

Zuko understood that he needed to be patient since she was mentally taking down the walls she had built, brick by brick. He waited silently until she was ready. It took her a minute to start, but she was fine once she started talking.

"I grew up in a colony in the Earth Kingdom. We were quite far south and away from any fighting. After my mum passed, I didn't have any family or friends that could take me in. We were pretty poor since Mum had been taking care of me with the money my Dad had left us, and there wasn't much left. She would babysit neighbours' kids sometimes for a bit of extra money. But I didn't have much to my name after she was gone. I had to resort to stealing and doing whatever I could to eat, and most street kids get pretty good at thieving and fighting." She said with a sardonic huff, but it held no humour.

"I can't even remember exactly how old I was, but I tried stealing from someone in the army. I didn't know since he was plain clothes, and he took me to his barracks so I could be punished. Luckily for me, I ended up sneaking away, but got caught just as I was climbing over a wall. The Captain of the barracks busted me, and he heard the whole story. I realise now, but he used me in a way that kids should never be used. He offered to pay me if I stole intel from Earth Kingdom forces. There was a castle fort about an hour away, and he wanted me to sneak in and steal whatever I could."

"Do you remember his name?" Zuko asked softly, reluctant to interrupt her.

"He just said to call him Captain. I would probably recognise him, but I don't know his name." she shrugged.

"I ended up getting into the barracks under the guise of begging for food, and since I was literally starving, that was just a bonus. I was able to steal a letter and a map. I couldn't read the letter since it was in code. I managed to get out and take it back to him. He paid me in all the food I could eat and whatever I could carry in my arms, as well as 5 silver pieces."

The air around them began heating up, and Izara smirked at Zuko's anger, declaring that he was not hiding very well. He muttered an apology, then took a breath before he suggested he make them some tea while they talked. She nodded, and they got up and moved to the kitchen.

"I know now that I was exploited. A few weeks later, one of his men found me and took me back. He offered to keep paying me in food and money if I kept helping him. I started by just trying to steal things and listening to conversations around the Earth Kingdom military. After a while, I could do more challenging things, like get in and out of a fortress without being seen, and I learned to fight properly. One of the 'Captains' men was nice and always helped me by letting me spar with him. I think he felt bad for me." She smiled faintly, and her gaze turned inward while Zuko kept silent.

"I just kept getting better. Eventually, I realised that if he would pay me, others might too. So, I created a…character. I got more work and expanded my skill set. I did reconnaissance, intel gathering, sabotage, and eventually, intimidation and jailbreaking. Later, I was given an assassination contract against an Earth Kingdom nobleman who had taken charge of the local military. The amount of money would allow me to afford a room and food for fucking months. So I accepted…and I did it." Her voice became shaky, and she was clearly blinking back tears.

"I'm sure that up to this point, I'd probably killed someone in self-defence, or they'd died from their wounds later on. But that was different. I did find a girl tied up in his house that he'd…sexually assaulted, so I didn't feel so guilty. It was just the fact that I was forced to kill someone unarmed to survive. He was no paragon, but still…"

"I tried to get out of the game after that and get a normal job doing literally anything. I think I was a bit too broken and inadvertently frightened people, so no one gave me a chance. So, I went back to it after being homeless for a few months. Before I knew it, years had gone by. I went to a Fire Nation army camp to get work, and it ended up being my Uncle in charge. He remembered me and told me enough about my family to put me at ease, and he looked like an older version of my Dad. Apparently, he'd tried to find me after getting word that my mother died, but I was long gone. He offered to let me stay with him, not realising what I'd been doing the past few years. It was my way out and likely the only one I would get. So I took it. You know the rest." She gestured a hand towards him and smiled wistfully.

"I'm sorry that someone manipulated you into such a life. You were a kid." Zuko was furious on her behalf but kept his voice quiet even though he wanted to scream.

"I did plenty of jailbreaks. They were something I got very good at. If Fire Nation soldiers got captured, I would go and break them out. I did it for a few Earth Kingdom soldiers, too. Whoever paid well. If I could get in, I could get out. I knew that if I got captured by the Supremacists, I could get out. Steal some intel, sabotage some weaponry, fuck some shit up." She raised her eyebrows suggestively, and he smirked.

"So..." she breathed, "When I got to their camp, Chujun, the guy that took me, asked me who I was since he knew I wasn't one of the Generals. He slapped me when I didn't answer him. I was just trying to figure out how far we'd travelled, if they'd drugged me, where we were, what time of day it was." She rattled off her thought process.

"I didn't feel like I had been drugged because I wasn't groggy, so I knew we couldn't be that far away from the capital. It had to be far enough that I was transported within a half a day since I doubted I could have been unconscious for more than 12 hours. Judging by the sunlight that came through the tent, it looked like it was still light out, but I wasn't sure. The first thing to do is always find your exits and know where they are, but since I couldn't move, I just had to acclimate to what I did know. Listen to the sounds around me, and get a view out of the tent whenever possible." she explained so that he knew what was going through her mind at the time.

"Since I didn't say anything, he left, and someone brought me some water a while later. Chujun returned and tried to take a friendly approach, saying he would treat my wounds and feed me if I gave him what he wanted. At this point, I just wanted to throw him off pace. He mentioned that you were upset when I got taken, and that's how he knew I was important." Her tone started off clinical and distant, but he could hear emotion more as she continued.

"I insulted him, and he responded by punching me in the gut, which I think was what cracked my ribs. The way I was tied up on the chair, I couldn't absorb the hit. He said he didn't want to kill me, but I kept pushing his buttons as much as possible so he would leave again. Eventually, he did, so I used the time to listen to everything and figure out what weapons they had, how many people they had, and if anyone revealed where we were."

Zuko continued holding her hands as she spoke, keeping silent as she occasionally breathed or spaced out for a moment. Rage was boiling inside him hearing about this. He couldn't interrupt her now that she'd finally begun to take down the walls around her and open up to him.

"Three people came in later, and one of them hit me. He pulled a knife and cut my arm," she gestured to the faint scar. "And my leg, then held his hand under it until my skin burned," she turned her leg so they could both see the scars that remained. They were pale and faded due to Katara's treatment.

"He hit me again in the stomach and in the face, and then they left because I didn't say anything. You know everything that happened after that." She finally finished and gave him a sad smile with pursed lips.

"I'm so sorry for making you worry. I didn't mean to, and I just didn't want you to feel more guilty for all of it. I chose to get captured to get information, and I knew what to expect. I don't want you to feel responsible since it was all of my own volition." Izara's voice became shakier as she tried to reassure him as if that was more concerning to her than relaying the details themselves.

"Give me a minute?" He asked softly, squeezing her hands and looking at her tenderly.

When she nodded, he gave her a smile, got up from the couch, and headed outside. He needed to get rid of some of the fury within him, and he was thankful that Izara was the only person around. No one would hear him with them being so far away.

A roar of explosive anger erupted from him, and flame came with it, dissipating into the darkening sky. He ran his hands through his hair, tugging on the roots until it was uncomfortable while he growled in anger. He thumped his fist against his chest to distract him from the pain he felt in his heart for her. He stared at the sky and let his tears fall down his face. It was only a few; he had cried enough during the time she was gone and in relief when she returned in one piece.

After wiping his face, he returned inside and sat on the couch beside her, feeling Izara's concerned gaze. Lifting his leg on the seat, he turned to face his body towards her and took a breath with his eyes closed to re-centre himself.

"Thank you for telling me. It can't have been easy to bring it all back up," Zuko said calmly as if he hadn't just blown up outside.

"I want you to know that I am okay. You know most of the dark parts of my past now. The things I've done are far worse than my capture," Izara said with shame, and her chin dropped to her chest.

"Izara, do you think I am a bad person?" he asked, wondering how she would react.

"No!" She looked offended. "Wh-no. You are a good person."

"Then why do you not see yourself as a good person? I've done horrible things in the past, too. Why am I different?" He questioned her cautiously, leaning his back against the armrest.

She opened her mouth to speak but didn't say anything. She scratched her head, and he watched silently as she repeatedly opened and closed her mouth as she tried to figure out what to say. Turning to one side, she let her head fall against the couch and stared at the ceiling.

"I suppose you're right." She said in barely a whisper.

"I think you spent so long with your Uncle as a strange way of punishing yourself. It's like you didn't want to give yourself a chance to live a happy life. You allowed yourself to be treated as badly as you felt you deserved. I wonder if you ever smiled or laughed while you were with him." Zuko put his elbow on the back of the couch, resting his cheek on his hand.

He waited momentarily while his statements settled with her, seeing her expressions changing as she mulled over what he'd said. Her only reply was a shrug, then tilted her head in a half-nod. Ever since he met her, it seemed that she always had such low self-esteem, and he desperately wanted her to let herself be happy.

As he watched her, seeing the soft skin of her neck and face on her side profile, his heart thumped in response to her being so close to him. He realised he probably needed to apologise for kissing her; even though it felt like it happened months ago, now was as good a time as any. She likely knew how he felt about her by now.

"While we're on the subject of apologies, I never really got to say sorry for my actions before..." he said awkwardly, unable to say it eloquently. "I shouldn't have kissed you like that before. I had a bad day, and I just misinterpreted your kindness. I'm sorry." He dropped his head but felt her gaze on him and looked at her.

She didn't look angry or annoyed at him. She looked sad and shook her head to tell him it was okay.

"Are there any rules about who the Fire Lord can be with?" Her abruptly curious tone didn't give away her thoughts.

Zuko raised an eyebrow, wondering where she was going with this. "No, no rules. Arranged marriages were popular in the past, but I'm unaware of any restrictions. Why do you ask?" He answered her.

"Then I suppose I owe you yet another apology." She stared into her lap ashamedly, her fingers fiddling with each other. "I shouldn't have run away or pushed you away. I freaked out because of the difference in our positions…." She trailed off, and Zuko's jaw dropped in response to her statement.

"You were worried because I'm the Fire Lord? Not because…" He wanted to ensure he had it right before he allowed himself to hope.

"Yeah. It's part of why I never refer to you by name. I guess it's my way of distancing myself, so I remember I'm a nobody. All I could think about was that you could do so much better than me and that I didn't deserve you. If I ever allowed myself to accept that it could happen, I figured that I would somehow ruin everything and hurt you." Her shoulders were slumped forward in shame.

"Wait, wait, wait. That's why you don't call me by my name?" Zuko asked with wide eyes, his heart racing faster and faster in his chest.

"Uhh, yeah." She admitted embarrassedly. "It's probably just another way I was punishing myself, I guess."

Zuko huffed in a mix of shock and joy. He hadn't misunderstood her flirting as kindness, compliments and confidence boosts. He hadn't misinterpreted anything. The feelings he had for her weren't one-sided or unrequited. Izara worked for him; she was his friend, but that wasn't all they were to each other. He had beaten himself up for weeks after she had run away after their kiss, thinking that he had managed to look through rose-coloured glasses and that he was wrong.

"I have been tearing my hair out, feeling so bad about thinking that I had misunderstood you being nice to me as flirting with me. I was terrified that the last interaction I had with you before you got taken was one I would regret, and I might never get to apologise. I thought I'd never see you again…." He said as his heart thudded louder and louder.

She shifted to face him but kept her head down. "I'm a nobody with a bloody past. How could I ever consider the possibility you would have feelings for me?"

"Izara, I…I want you in every sense of the word. I thought I'd been in love before, but I've never felt like this. You are all I think about all day, every day. I just want to be with you. I want you to be happy."

She stared at him in complete disbelief, mouth open. He watched intently as her breath hitched in her throat and her eyes welled up with tears. Cautiously, he held out his hand to her in a gesture that she would accept him if she took it. It was different than before. Before, it was an offer of comfort.

This was an offer to give her all that he was and would be.

"I-I...I don't know how this all works. I'm worried I'll do everything wrong." Her hand twitched as if she wanted to reach out, but he didn't want to lie.

"I can't say that everything will be perfect," Zuko said, still holding his hand out but afraid she wouldn't take it.

"Are you sure?"

He knew she was asking if he wanted to be with her, probably based on her minimal self-belief. He smiled at her, pleased that he wouldn't end up utterly heartbroken after developing feelings for someone who didn't return them.

"All I want to do is make you happy and be happy with you. Give us a chance." He answered her, still smiling.

Izara finally nodded after what seemed like an hour of waiting, although it was likely a few seconds. She put her hand in his, and he tugged her forward into his arms with zeal. He held her tightly, and she giggled sweetly as she returned his embrace with as much enthusiasm.

Since their first kiss hadn't ended positively, he wanted to let Izara set the pace for when she felt comfortable with physical intimacy. Still, he would hug her as often as possible since she seemed okay with that. He nuzzled his nose into the crook of her neck and shoulder and just breathed her in, wondering for a moment if he was dreaming. He enjoyed it for a minute before pulling back, not wanting to overwhelm her.

"Let's make something to eat." Zuko offered with a grin and stood up first, helping her up.

They walked into the kitchen, and Zuko cheekily couldn't resist the urge to put his head on her shoulder with his arms around her waist while they prepped a snack with some fresh fruit. The colour on her cheeks suggested she was pleased with his closeness despite her bashfulness.

Once they'd made their snacks, they sat back on the couch and stayed close for the rest of the afternoon...