So, I will start off by saying that I am not the biggest Harry Potter fan out there for a multitude of reasons, but I did enjoy Books 1 to 4 and then to me, things got strange. So, this is my AU beginning from the summer of fifth year onwards. There will be bashing of Dumbledore and Molly Weasley, so if you are a huge fan of those characters, this story may not be for you. There is slight Hermione bashing maybe for those who are die-hard fans of her, but I personally consider it in-character and a point for character development..

Trigger warning: semi-graphic descriptions of physical abuse, mentions of blood and implied PTSD though that is not described in gruesome detail. If I have not scared you away yet, yay! I respect J.K. Rowling as a person a lot, so I guess in some ways, this story is for her even if I don't agree with her writing choices due to personal preferences. Please read on and leave me your feedback.

1. Breaking Point

Harry Potter had not had a single peaceful year during his time at Hogwarts but even then, being with Ron and Hermione made life a lot easier. But his fourth year had been the hardest on him. Barty Crouch Jr. who had been disguised as Mad-Eye Moody had put his name into the Goblet of Fire and it had all been a trap to bring him to a graveyard where Lord Voldemort was resurrected. If he had known before, he would have taken the cup himself. Cedric needn't have died, just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Wormtail really proved to be a rat in the end. And it had been his fault even then, hadn't it? He had shown the filthy rat mercy by not allowing Sirius and Professor Lupin to kill him and it had led to loss after loss. That one act had led him to escape and Sirius to go back on the run. Lupin had lost his job – granted that may have still happened but maybe he could have prevented it had he changed that one action.

Harry wished that night had ended there in the graveyard – and it had, physically at least. But his mind kept reliving the moment when Cedric had been killed in front of him and all he had been able to do was watch it happen. This was another one of those nights. He twisted and turned in his bed, unable to find a comfortable position.

"Avada Kedavra!"

"No!" Harry sat up in bed, face paling in sweat as he looked around. Still the same room at the Dursleys, no graveyard, no spells going back and forth and no shouts of killing spells. Just his bed, him and the quiet of the night, well, at least it had been quiet before he had screamed so loudly.

"Keep the noise down!" Vernon bellowed at him from the next room and Harry flinched a small bit. Normally, his uncle yelling at him didn't bother him, but it reminded him of the laughter of the death eaters, of Voldemort bellowing that he finally had him where he wanted. He curled up in bed, trying to cover his ears and block out the voices. He heard Hedwig coo almost soothingly, but he didn't even look up at her. She couldn't make the voices go away – no one could because they were so loud in his head as if the events were repeating themselves right now. It was just another battle that Harry would have to face on his own, just like everything else that had happened so far.

He wasn't allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts or he would have put up silencing charms in his room. Maybe he could owl Hermione tomorrow to see if there could be an exception to the rule somehow – if she would even reply. They had promised they would write – they had promised they would give him information. Ron and Hermione had never been ones to follow the crowd – they didn't believe he was the heir of Slytherin and while Ron had initially thought he had put his name in the cup, he knew his friend believed him about Voldemort's return. Then why were they acting like everyone else? They had never been amongst the crowd. The ones who weren't exactly putting them in dangerous situations but not stopping them either.

Then, what had changed? Why had they joined everyone else? He could somehow understand why Sirius was staying put, it was too dangerous for him not to, and he didn't want his godfather to risk himself, being thrown back into Azkaban. But even he could still write, couldn't he? Something – anything – a small reassurance that they'd see each other soon, even. That would be enough.

His eyes closed and while his sleep kept on getting broken from the nightmare returning and reliving Cedric's last moments, somehow the night did pass. It did make it easier to wake up with Petunia's shrill shout early in the morning as he got up to make breakfast for the Dursleys. His gaze was a bit unfocused, mind on the nightmare that he had even as he tried to bring his focus onto making the omelette. This was easier said than done because the flash of green light kept on filling his vision. This was what led him to burn the omelette he was making, grip on the frying pan slipping as it fell to the ground, causing it to go flying everywhere, scattering across the floor.

Crap – no, he hadn't wanted that. He had not meant for this to happen.

"Boy!" Vernon barked causing Harry to flinch at even the smallest noise. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Sorry, I'll make it again," Harry said, moving to clean it but stumbled into a chair. He rubbed his eyes. He needed to wake up.

"What's the matter with you today?" Petunia asked him in a brisk voice. "You were up screaming all last night."

"Yeah, he really was," Dudley chimed in, grinning with an almost sick smile. "Don't kill Cedric, don't kill Cedric, whose Cedric, your boyfriend?"

Harry could have handled an insult to himself or his sanity because even he was beginning to question it at this point with how many nightmares, he was having but mentioning the thing that was keeping him up – he snapped and rounded on Dudley before he could think.

"Shut up!" Harry snapped. "You don't know anything, Dudley!"

"Oh yeah?" Dudley challenged him, having never known when to shut up or which buttons not to press. "With how mad you're getting, maybe he is your boyfriend. That's just gross anyway. Didn't know you were a faggot. What, did he dump you or something?"

He couldn't use magic to curse his cousin no matter how much he deserved it. Not only because it would get him expelled – but because that wasn't fair to use magic on a muggle. He couldn't. But that didn't mean he had to tolerate this either as he clenched his fist. If he was thinking clearly, he would have released it. If he was thinking clearly, he wouldn't have let everything get to him and make him snap. But he was not thinking clearly. Not anymore. The lack of sleep, the constant nightmares, and the lack of information he had about what was going on in the wizarding world was all hitting him at once, so he swung out at Dudley, punching him in the face.

"I told you to shut up! You don't know anything of what happened!" Harry snapped, his whole body shaking, and he had to pull all his weight to keep himself standing because his legs wanted to cave in on him. This was really not the time.

"How dare you?" Vernon snapped, eyes widening so much that Harry felt they would pop out of his skull and cut through him. His uncle lunged forward and struck Harry down causing him to stumble now. He didn't have the time to gain bearing of his surroundings or get back up before he was kicked repeatedly in the ribs. Without magic, Uncle Vernon's larger figure towered over Harry and at this moment, he felt more powerful like Voldemort. He was bigger than him and that gave him an advantage. He couldn't defend himself magically without his wand – but he could try without resorting to magic, right? He raised his fists to try and punch but with how quickly Vernon's punches and kicks attacked his body, he really did not get the chance to even try as he fell back down on the ground. He curled himself into a ball to try and block out as many of the hits as he could, but he could still feel each punch, each kick, burning into his body and it stung.

A gasp escaped his mouth as he tried to back away but slammed into the table, wincing as it collided with his head.

"S-stop it," Harry managed to get out. "Please." He coughed as he barely managed to get these words out.

"Vernon!" Petunia cried out. "Vernon, you have to stop, he'll die."

Harry wished just this once his aunt had chosen to stay silent because her standing up for him seemed to make Vernon's face redden even more. He had to fight but how was it possible? This year had been terrible already. With the nightmares and only his friends believing him about Voldemort, he didn't want this to be an added factor to making it worse.

Vernon grabbed him by the neck and Harry squirmed, feeling his breath getting weary the more he spoke. Was he going to die here? Was Vernon going to do the one thing that Voldemort had failed at no matter how hard he tried? Surely, he couldn't be punished for attacking Vernon now…for using magic to protect himself from being killed. There had to be some kind of magical law around this. He didn't want to die. Not without seeing Ron and Hermione one last time. Not without telling Sirius how much he loved him and how much he wished they had gotten the chance to live together.

"Daddy, stop, please stop!" Harry could vaguely hear Dudley shouting and the next thing he knew, the grip was gone, and he gasped for air, coughing as he tried to get his breath back as he scrambled back. He ignored that each movement caused him pain from the beating that had come prior to this – the instinct to get back, to survive similar to what he had felt in the graveyard. It didn't matter that his whole body ached – he needed to hold on until he got away. He could feel the blood that had trickled from the back of his head seeping into his shirt as he stared at Dudley, who looked so pale that he thought his cousin might faint. Had he really never realised it before? His cousin was not that dense.

"Harry, go!" Petunia snapped at him. "Get out of here! Don't cause any more trouble!"

Harry didn't need to be told twice. He stumbled to his feet, grabbing his Invisibility Cloak from his room and nothing else. He did not even bother to grab Hedwig and ran out the door. He kept falling, legs badly bruised but he forced himself back up. Uncle Vernon could still follow him. He could still finish what he had started. It hurt to walk but there was one place where he knew he would be safe. The place where he had first seen Sirius in dog form so reaching the place in the grass, he curled up on it, disappearing under the invisibility cloak. He was tired - it didn't matter what happened next, he just wanted it all to stop if only for a moment.

Everything hurt and Harry didn't know any healing spells. He was no healer, after all, and he was sure the cold air would make the wounds worse, but he had no place to go anymore. He no longer wanted to burden the Weasleys after what had happened because he knew the nightmares would be worse now than they were before. Sirius had his own struggles. He knew his godfather would do anything to protect him - but that was an odd feeling in and of itself. It felt…undeserved almost. Ron said it was what family did, but he was different. Hermione was different too.

They understood the feeling of being protected - of being coddled even but he didn't know – he had never seen it. He didn't really understand what the word 'meant'. Before Sirius came into his life, the only family he had were the Dursleys and to him, it had meant being left behind. Being made to starve for the smallest mistake or having something taken away because someone else needed it more. Dudley needed new clothes so Harry would only get them after they had been used. Dudley needed tons of presents for his birthday to be not only remembered but celebrated with enthusiasm.

Even now, it was the same, wasn't it? He didn't want Sirius to come and rescue him but some reassurance that things would be okay - that he wasn't alone would have been nice. Even if Sirius couldn't give him information – he could be there. He could just be a presence, but things had changed. Ever since Voldemort had come back, everything was different, and he did not just mean the situation. Sirius had changed too. From everything he had heard about his godfather, he was never a stickler for the rules but now…he was following everything Dumbledore asked, even if it meant not supporting him? People did change, after all, and in the end, he really didn't have a family.

But Dumbledore needed Sirius, Hermione had said - Dumbledore, the person who had left him in the dark needed Sirius more, so nothing had really changed. The faces, the names and the places had but it was the same song repeating inside his head. He couldn't be selfish because those who were selfish were punished. His needs had never mattered before, and they did not matter now. He didn't know how long he lay there but it didn't matter anymore. Anywhere was better than the Dursleys, even the graveyard so lying here, he knew one thing. Vernon would have killed him anyway so at least here, on the ground without food or water, even if no one found him, at least his last few moments would be those of peace. I'm sorry, everyone. I want to believe in you, Sirius, more than anyone. But it'll make it hurt less if I don't.