DISCLAIMER: Obviously I don't own any of the characters in Harry Potter or anything belonging to Harry Potter World, it belongs to the only and only creator J.K. Rowling.

~~AM~~

Entry Fifteen

January 15, 2001

The day went by quick! I had my check up with the healer, Healer Wright, Even Wright. I still have some burns that are healing internally. He said I was healing up nicely. Which is a good thing. When he was about done, I asked him if I was on any potions for psychosis or depression. He looked at me like I was crazy, but I told him to tell me because of how I was feeling or lack of feelings I have having. Finally he said that he had me put on a potion to numb the mind, so I wouldn't put to much strain on my brain and have another episode. I had asked who ordered it and he stated he said it was for my own good. I scuffed and told him I've been like a zombie for the past several days and I don't like it. I asked him to lower the dosage so I can actually have some emotions so I could feel like a human being again. He asked why I had to have my magic neutralized. I sighed and said I don't feel comfortable sharing that with him. He stood looking at me before he said he was going to lower the dosage of the potion starting this evening.

It already has taken effect, I can finally feel a little alive. It's funny how when you are in the thick of your own feelings and emotions, you wish it would all stop, that you couldn't feel anything, but when it finally happens, you don't know how to react to it. I think I am in that state, missing the craziness, being in the darkness and feeling the nothingness in it. As I reflect back on it, its like wearing a heavy black cloak, weighing down from your head down to your shoulder, and pulling your whole body down. This time, its not so much my head, but my shoulders feels the weight of it and pulling down on my body. There is a sense of normalcy, being in this dreary state. That is not normal at all. Am I ever going to be normal? Or has this become my normal?

I haven't hear anything from my husband, and I am beginning to worry about him. I hate that Theo is alone on this mission, having to cater to the Dark Lord. I haven't had the slightest clue about what they have been up too. I haven't been on a mission for over a year, and I don't ask Theo about what they have been doing or what his missions have been like. I don't want to know. My only concern is my husband and his safety. When I was able to use my magic, I always made sure he was safe, him and Draco. I know that he is very capable of taking care of himself, but I can't stop worrying about him. I've been wanting to go into muggle Londan and get cellphones, just to be able to text one another or even call to stay in touch, but everyone would lose their shit if I did that. I've been wanting to get something made so we can be in contact when he is gone. I guess this is the time to befriend Hermonie, so she can make it. It wouldn't hurt to ask, the worst that can happen is her saying no. What do I have to lose, other then not being able to stay in contact with my husband.

Tonight, I feel clear headed, wow. I only had contact with the house elves, Blaise and Pansy were busy with their business, and I was just in my room. I slept majority of the time, especially after my visit with the healer. I finally had solid food, some kind of steak and mash potatoes with gravy. It was good, and some pumpkin juice. I am moving around a lot more, but I get tired easily. How does that happen? I don't know, but I need to get my strength back up. For whatever reason, I have too. My potions have made their way to me, so I am going to end it right here.

XO,

Mrs. Nott