Hey guys, I don't know how many people read this, so I'll keep it brief. Financial trouble has been really bringing down my Vibes, so I swallowed my pride and stomped down on my morals: I started a P4TR3ON under the same username as the one here and on Ao3: Bonesboy15
Of the two Tiers I have presently, the lowest is set at a minimum of One (1) U.S. dollar. Included in that tier are specific shout outs, and maybe if more decide to join it, I'll add another perk.
Thanks for all those that read my two paragraph long dribble, and major thanks to anyone who goes in on helping me keep the lights on.
Now for Part Deux!
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Hazbin Hotel, Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
Certified D.O.G.
Dashing Overindulging Gummy-Bear (II)
Bee chewed her lip as she squirmed on her Gummy Bear's lap and tried really hard to ignore her favorite phallic protrusion as she felt it start to poke her in the ass. She couldn't help herself, though. Even though they only started openly saying it a few days ago, whenever Bee heard Naruto say those damnable three words or speak with an inflection of the Vibe that he let off whenever he did say them, it gave her one of the best highs she's ever had the pleasure to ride. She knew that for a fact, it was right up there with the HPVs. It was one thing for her to hear him get all mushy and sweet in the sanctuary of her home, usually during some high quality cuddle time or early in a non-party night morning, but doing so with a flex of his very restricted power, in spite of her friends' – or associates, in Mammon's case – presence?
Queen Bee had never craved indulging in another demon's presence more than she did right now with her boyfriend.
I could just pull his red rocket out right now and slip it in...she thought. And yes, Bee actually considered doing just that. It was Hell, no one would blink an eye if she did, none of the Sins would actually give a shit. Fuck's sake, Lucifer would probably even pull a camera out and provide commentary about how he planned for her to do it just to fuel his Pride!
The only thing that kept her from whipping her boyfriend's dick out and riding it in full view of the Goetic Court was Naruto himself. Not physically, like, maybe he could if he really fucking wanted to... Bee never really thought about where they stood in the hierarchy of power compared to each other; her Gummy Bear was strong, sure, she knew that he and Lucifer had come to blows, but she didn't think about what that meant. Not that she ever would, Bee would make better use of her time than make Drago M-Ball power level charts or whatever the fuck Snickerdoodle had tried to explain to her that one time they got really baked on that stash of Belle's best kush. What was she thinking about again?
"You can stop squirming any time, Bae-Bee." Naruto grumbled into her ear as he wrapped his left arm around her turbo tummy and scratched at a sensitive spot just above her hip. Not only did that put her thoughts back on track about pulling his dick out and taking a public ride, but it reminded her why that was a bad idea: Gummy Bear didn't like public sex. It was the most baffling aspect of his personality.
Drinking, doping up, getting high or streaking through the Rings with a raging erection in order to win a bet and get a free bowl of his favorite food that he was absolutely addicted to? He's done that eight times in the past two months.
Orgies with her and his 'brothers' and/or himself pretending to be other demons – some female, some trans and some unidentifiable by the mortal mind's limitations – in one of her many guest rooms or in the hall if a midday craving hit her? Not a problem, barely an inconvenience.
Whipping it out to drill her in front of an audience of absolute strangers for bragging rights so she can get a bite of those delicious thirsty and jealous Vibes? Don't even think about it! Gummy Bear had a reputation to protect!
It was annoyingly and simultaneously adorably – shit, what's the word? Starts with an 'N'... noble! That's it! – 'noble' of him, but it was a firm stance he took about their hookups, and a point of conduct he personally enforced at her parties. If a pair of Hounds were grinding near nude on the dance floor he didn't bat an eye, but the second a zipper got undone or a skirt got shifted so they could start 'humping' in the corner, that pair of party bitches would get shoved into a closet so fast there might be friction burns. Crazily, that only increased the Good Vibes at parties.
That totally threw the Sin of Gluttony for a loop; apparently, there were a bunch of shy pups trying to get their freak on at her parties and couldn't because of the audience. A few came up to thank Gummy Bear's 'brothers' during the now near ritualistic mid-morning after clean up. She'd made plans to build another wing or something for that group, maybe put a tab on it or something to compensate for the vibes she'd miss out on, or make a reservation list or something. Wasn't exactly high on her to-do list, but it was there.
Regardless of her future plans, it was a position her boyfriend took seriously, and though Bee didn't understand why public sex bothered him, she still respected his opinion on it enough not to start something over it. Even if it really puts a bummer on her mood. Like really, really puts a bummer on her mood. So much so that she had to let a little whine out and shift again. The claw teasing her spot on her hip stilled for a minute and Gummy Bear's lips pushed into the crest of her ear.
"Once the band starts up and these assholes start to dance, we can sneak away for some fun," he said lowly. A small growl started as he hugged her close when she whimpered. Dark lips pressed to the back of her head, right at the base of her oscillating hair, which didn't exactly resolve her issue, and his arm squeezed around her for a split second before he grumbled into her ear again. "Bae-Bee you need to stop fucking fidgeting."
"G-Bear, you can't fucking tease me with a power flare like that and not expect me to react!" She hissed back. One of her lower arms slipped out of view and trailed along the thin black shirt he'd pulled on, right over the contour of his abs that she loved to slurp belly shots off of. She craned her head back and nipped at the side of his jaw. "C'mon, let's just 'pop' out for an hour or four–"
"Four?" He snorted and pulled his head back to smirk down at her. "Bae-Bee, I think Luce would notice if we disappeared from his party for four hours."
"It'll just be for a quickie, he'll understand!" Bee protested with a small whine. He gave her that damned sexy knowing smirk of his and she growled irritably as she ground her ass against him. A sharply hissed swear and tightened hug around her had her grin and nip at his chin. "C'mon, Gummy Bear, let's just dip, this party is boring as fuck and I'm so fucking hot for you right now!"
Conflict warred in her boyfriend's eyes as that wonderful protrusion of his pressed into her posterior. Bee grinned, she could tell that she was swaying him – there was nothing her Gummy Bear liked more than making her happy, except for maybe those noodles of his – and all it would take was for one more push to get him to succumb to her whims. So long as nothing interesting distracted her for the next two minutes.
"Damned guests of King Lucifer, please welcome the Sin of Wrath, King Satan, and his consort, Lady Lucia."
Satan and his who the wha–?! Any immediate thoughts of riding her boyfriend's red rocket vanished at the drop of a hat as soon as she heard those words. Her eyes snapped to the entryway and her ears snapped to attention. Another sharp curse from Naruto had her glance up to see him rubbing his muzzle, where a dark line formed across the bridge. She winced, the 'antennae' on her ears were durable strands that were more like bullwhips on the tip of either organ, but she couldn't call them that because of, well, the whole Bee thing she had going on.
"Sorry, G-Bear." She mumbled.
"It's fine, Bae-Bee, accidents happen. ...Shit, speaking of accidents..." Those pretty blue eyes flicked back over to her brother from another and she followed his gaze. Upon doing so, Bee's eyes went wide and she made the correlation that her Gummy Bear's trailed off words hinted at. A swath of conversation erupted amongst the Goetic Spirits and the Higher Court. Why? Well...
"Someone give me a hateful, rough throatfuck! The sonovabitch knocked her up!" Ozzie gasped as Satan led his very pregnant consort into the ballroom. Bee blinked once, and then again, before his words clicked in her head. She felt all of her mind focus on the development and unanimously decide how to react. A wide grin spread across her face and her body trembled.
"Imma be an Auntie again!" She squealed and launched off of her throne to meet the drake and her fellow Sin halfway.
Any other time, any other day, Naruto would join his girlfriend in greeting Satan and Lucia. Partially so he could offer the two his own congratulations, and partially to help reel in his Bae-Bee after her excitement would get the better of her. Right now, however, they were on their own for two reasons.
The first? Bee hadn't launched off of her throne, she launched off of him. Specifically, she'd inadvertently launched off of his groin. This had the effect of making him double over as the Hellish air left his body from the overload of pain that particular cluster of nerves registered. He was just happy that it was only his groin that got hurt and not something more serious like his dick or his balls.
And the second reason? Well, when his Bae-Bee got really excited about something, her voice rose in pitch. Really, really fucking high.
"Mull. Mull!" Naruto growled as he worked his jaw to get some kind of sensation other than white noise in his ear canals. A finger massaged at the base of his ears and he closed his eyes. "Dammit, Bae-Bee, just had to trigger my fucking tinnitus.."
A hand rested on his head and another ArchDemon had flooded his system with their magic. Sounds had returned and it took Naruto a moment to acclimate to the noise. When the moment passed, he sighed and looked over at Baal, who gave him a knowing smirk. Naruto relaxed in Bee's throne and gave the Elder Demon a brief nod.
"Thank you, King Baal."
"Of course." Baal chuckled and sat back in his throne. "I see Little Bee is still a little bit of an airhead."
"We all have our moments," Naruto said with a shrug as he sat back and crossed one leg over the other. He wasn't about to let anyone get away with a free teepee show, and these jeans were sturdy enough to keep himself restrained. Besides, even though Bee's oversight of her volume control wasn't intentional and he wasn't going to hold it against her, it had swiftly killed the rising heat that had started to coarse through his body. He watched Bee and Ozzie swarm the other Sin and his dragoness companion.
"Not going to go rescue them?" Baal asked with a smirk. Naruto snorted.
"Who the fuck am I rescuing?" He asked. He smirked as signs of Satan's infamous temper started to show itself, but growls and tail snaps from the drake, Lucia, quelled any of his explosive bursts. "Bee's a big girl and can clean up her own mess this time. Ozzie can handle himself. And it looks like Lucia's got Satan's leash on lock."
"Ha! Good point." Baal chuckled. A firm and low snarl from Lucifer's Right Hand sent the two excited Sins back to their thrones, Bee immediately cuddled into Naruto's lap and had a gleeful grin on her face.
"Today fucking rocks!" She tittered as Naruto wrapped his arms around her again. He rumbled a nonverbal question and her claws scratched at his neck. "Shit party aside, Lucia's stacked to the nines and their Vibes are awesome. And, though it's not gonna hatch for a couple years, I've got Hellmother on lock!"
"That's great, Bae-Bee." Naruto chuckled as he nuzzled the space behind his girlfriend's ear. Happy Bee smelled amazing, like freshly made mead. Naruto discovered that he had a fondness for mortal alcohol blends eons ago, even if he didn't have much of a tolerance for it ...by Demon standards, anyway. For example, he drank that Greek Dion-Isis guy under the table back in the day, but his Bae-Bee's metabolism had his beat by a fucking kilometer.
"I'm still surprised you haven't given it a shot yourself, Little Bee." Baal mused as he stroked his beard. Naruto heard gears of political machinations shift into place after the oddly phrased comment was made. Slowly, almost mechanically, he gave the now frog-like King a wary look. The kind, gentle smile of a worldly demon was given to him in turn, even if it was mostly meant for the equally quizzical Bee. "Asmodeus' tastes keep him from getting into any offspring he might have, and that's without referring to his preference. Levithan can barely hold a conversation without arguing with herself. Mammon is…Mammon. Belphegor and Satan have hordes of illegitimates running around and we all know His Majesty is too tied to his origins to really get crazy...But you? Hellhounds aren't even of your lineage, Bee. Have you ever given it a thought?"
"The fuck are you talking about, Papa Baal?" Bee frowned.
"Having a child." Bee started and stilled in his lap. It would have set him off, had he not seen how Baal smirked at her. "Oh, don't make that face, Little Bee. You're millennia overdue for an heir apparent. You have a consort, a Ring to call your own and loyal followers Above and Below. I'm getting too old to not have a grandchild at this point."
Naruto felt his Bae-Bee freeze up and he arched an eyebrow. It wasn't fear that caused that reaction, nor was it another bout of stillness like the 'Reboot Incident'. He had etched how Bee looked and smelt during then into his brain, and he wasn't going to forget it anytime soon. It seemed the prospect had genuinely stumped her. Oh well, he'd leave her to her thoughts and comfort her with his presence, and some gentle scratching by her wing. It wasn't like anyone needed him at the moment–
"Cerberus."
"Satan." Naruto looked up from his girlfriend to greet the Sin of Wrath. He smirked at the Sin. "Congrats on proving you have cojones."
"Still haven't seen your evidence." Satan returned with a flat sneer as he crossed his massive arms. A sharp whack of scale on scale violence brought Naruto's attention to the drake in time to catch her tail as it slid away from where Satan's curled. The Sin in question betrayed nothing as he glared down at Naruto. "So, Beelzebub picked up Lucifer's scraps?"
"Don't try to make it sound like we had anything more than a professional relationship, Satan. I will tell Luce where that rumor started." Naruto deadpanned before his eyes narrowed. "Among others."
"Smug little–!" Whack! Satan's nostrils flared before he looked at Lucia. "That is enough. Do it again and I'm taking your tail."
"Famous last words." The Drake droned as she crossed her arms and sneered down at him. That had to be a draconian thing. "So, you're the Hound of Hell? …I'd imagined you to be bigger."
"Going right for the size jab? Really?" Satan arched his brow as he stared at her.
"To be fair, there is a standard that Cerberus is said to have." Naruto drawled as he leaned back and smiled at the consort of Wrath's Sin. "Congratulations, I suppose, for letting the oversized, fat headed lizard nut inside you."
"You little–!" Satan's wings flared briefly as his power slipped. Naruto arched his brow. It would seem someone was training in his spare time.
"Oh, I think I like you." Lucia chuckled and then took hold of the Sin's clawed hand with her own. She pulled him with her down the line. "Come on, Fat Head, King Lucifer said he'd let me answer questions about the cattle proposal you sent in."
"..That lazy mother fucker told me he never got that– I sent that in a year ago!" Satan snarled as he took the lead. "Lucifer! What other fucking documents are you lying about not getting?!"
"Heh, I like her. She keeps him on his toes." Naruto mused before he felt his wrist get grabbed. A sharp tug and he was on his feet being led away from the thrones by his girlfriend. As much as he adored a good eyeful of his girlfriend's sinfully perfect ass, he didn't like being led places without warning. "Where are we going, Bae-Bee?"
"Just for a quick…walk! Yeah, uh..It's been a minute since I was in this castle. I wanna see if any of the popper stashes I left are still here." Bee half-lied to him. Strange, but it didn't feel like it was done as a malicious thing. Mischievous maybe, but not malicious. She grinned back at him as she pulled him toward the stairwell. "And since you know this place better than I do, you can get us back here before Belle shows up!"
This was obviously a ploy to get them away from the other Sins. Again, though, it wasn't being done for anything malicious or harmful. Bee actually smelled rather excited by it, literally and figuratively. He could feel his blood start to race again and seeing as Satan was the one stirring shit, Naruto felt comfortable slipping away for now.
"..Alright, fine. There's a good 'stash spot' in the third room on the left of the second floor," Naruto said, putting a sarcastic emphasis on 'stash spot' to clue her in. Bee stumbled in the air and looked back at him with slightly wider eyes. He pulled her close and stole a quick kiss, and once that broke he mumbled against her lips. "I may have been born on a Day, but it wasn't Yesterday, Bae-Bee. You craving?"
"Fuck yes! Er, I mean, yeah." Bee grinned sheepishly as she pressed herself into his arm as they ascended to the second floor. "And I think I do have a stash or two here somewhere so.."
"Want to look for it before or after?" Naruto asked, taking the lead now that his girlfriend knew he was in on her little scheme. As she thought about it, adorably muttering indecisively to herself about which craving she wanted to fulfil more – because she probably was craving both sex and some good uppers to compensate for the lacking Vibes of Lucifer's – they walked up to the third guest bedroom on the left, and Naruto cracked the door with a simple rough twist tug and shove onto the handle that always got him in any room at any time he wanted. He faintly registered Prince Stolas and his family's arrival get announced before he was shoved promptly onto the queen sized bed and the door was shut.
No sooner had he flipped to his back than Bee was upon him, grinding her clothed groin against his and mashing their lips together. Two of her hands tugged at the hem of his shirt, while the other two cradled his jaw. He returned her affections by caressing her covered keister with one hand while the other held firm to her hip. They parted for breath, a saliva trail linked their lips, before Bee's tongue flicked out and broke it.
"Let's fuck." She purred at him and he let out a soft laugh as his clawed hands dug into her flesh just a bit.
"How you cravin' it, Bae-Bee?" He asked with a smile.
Usually, it would be something simple like anal, role-play, doggy-style, or even bedding shibari. Yeah, he knew what that whole subdivision of BDSM was about, it took him a whole day to learn how to do that in a way most beginners found comfortable, and while he hadn't kept up to practice since the last time she asked for it back when she was testing his boundaries, he could recall the basics with a quick search on his Hellphone. He was just relieved she hadn't tried to push him into another public romp. Rather than any of those classic numbers or even something new, he heard something much different come from his girlfriend's lips. She brought herself down to kiss up his muzzle to the edge of his ear, breath hot and scent thick with desire, before she whispered eight words that changed any of his plans for the immediate future.
"Gummy Bear, I want to have your puppies."
Now it was his turn to freeze up. Bee pulled back and giggled down at him as he stared at her. Understandable, he was told his dumbfounded stare was rather funny. Or cute, depending on the interests of the creature he showed it off in front of. He blinked once, twice, and then looked down at her unique physiology. Then he looked back up into her eyes.
"How would you–? You know what? I knew a golden masked guy born from the beheading of his mother, I'm not gonna question it." Naruto rolled them so he could start nibbling up her neck. She groaned as he bit on a spot at the base of her jaw and pulled back to smile at her again. "You want to have my puppies, Bae-Bee? Consider it done."
"Fuck yes," Bee hissed with a grin of her own before their lips locked again. In the midst of their makeout session, two of her arms tugged at his coat and the other two pulled on his shirt. As he got undressed, in the sanctuary of the back of his mind unaffected by Lust, he thought about the last time he was really invested in having kids with someone in this life.
...What? The best part of his life was being a father! Yeah, it didn't exactly end well the first go around, but he was basically immortal now! He had a handful of brats wandering around different pantheons as active gods, so how could any kit from him and Bee be any worse than them?
...Okay, outside of the terrible twosome that were bent on eating celestial bodies, there weren't many that caused issues...Naruto's subconscious, totally separate from the fuckfest that the conscious awareness wholly focused on, wondered how the Warg Twins were doing.
(Helheim, Garmr's Territory)
In an Æser realm of the afterlife, two bulked up, hound-like entities lounged on a couch in front of an ice-constructed television in a grand manor. One had golden fur that faded into bleached white or ended in burnt tips along his chest, neck, face and the front of his arms, while the other had dark black fur that lightened to a frost-white hue in the same manner. Both had bright blue eyes, the gold-furred hound was scrolling through his phone while the ebony-furred hound was staring deadfaced at the television. The latter's left eye twitched and he let his head roll back with a groan.
"Sköll." He groaned, bass voice gravelly and low.
"What now, Hati?" The other hound, Sköll, asked without looking up from his phone. He sounded similar to the other hound, but there was the slightest hint of a smoker's wheeze in his words.
"I'm so fucking bored." Hati growled. Sköll snorted.
"That sounds like a 'you' problem, big brother."
"That's why I'm making it your problem, shithead!"
"Look, I don't fucking care how bored you are, we cannot fight in here anymore. Auncle Garm made it clear if they catch us at it again, they'll fuckin' eat our souls. I'm good without having to take another forty hour bath in the waters of Alfheim, thanks." Sköll drawled as he continued to scroll through posts on his phone. "Go chase the moon or whatever if you're so bored."
"You know why I can't! That stupid fucking technicality..." Hati growled and glared at the television depicting a half-naked human kicking some fancy-robed guy into a giant pit. His eye twitched again and he started mouthing lines before his lips curled and he snarled again. "I can't watch this shit anymore! Give me the damned remote back!"
"Can't."
"Why the fuck not?!"
"Don't have it."
"...What do you mean you don't have it?!" Hati gave his twin an incredulous glare. "I just fucking gave it to you!"
"Mm." Sköll shrugged. Hati's right eye twitched a bunch.
"...Sköll?"
"Yes?"
"I'm only asking one more fucking time. Where. Is. The. Remote?"
"Hm, dunno."
"...Did you eat it again?"
"Might've. Hang on..." Sköll muttered as his brow furrowed and his eyes scanned across his phone. Hati worked his jaw for a moment before he growled and snatched the phone from his brother's hand. "Hey! Douche move, Hati!"
"Shut the fuck up with that shit and talk to me, asshole! Stop staring at your fuckin' phone like you're not in your quadruple digits! What is so fucking interesting–?" Hati trailed off as he looked at his brother's phone's screen. "Is...Is that Dad?!"
"Yeah, pretty sure it is."
"Who the fuck is this bitch hanging off of him?!"
"Some Queen Bee or something, I 'unno."
"...Queen Bee–? Wait, I'm sorry, do you mean Queen Bee-Lzebub?! One of the hottest and most powerful bitches in all of known Reality?!" Hati asked. Sköll arched his brow and Hati crossed his arms with a scowl. "Auncle Garm is subscribed to Hounded Weekly and keeps articles in the shitter, and you know how constipated we get after Noodle Night."
"Right, gotcha." Sköll nodded and looked back at his phone. "Huh...she's Dad's new side bitch, I guess."
"You guess–? No shit, dumbass! Fuck...We need to go talk to Mom."
"Why?" Sköll asked indifferently. A hard obsidian claw whacked him on the snout. "Ow! Fuck, dude!"
"The fuck do you mean 'why'?! Dad's cheatin' on her!"
"Fuck's sake, Hati! They're not fucking married!" Sköll scoffed as he rubbed his nose. "Besides, that bitch never does anything for us, why should we tell her any of Dad's business?"
"Mom took that lazy asshole's place so Dad could take care of us, but what did he do? Up and fucking bounce a millennia into the fuckin job! He didn't do jack shit for us!"
"He taught me how to make clones, so that I could teach you!" Sköll snapped as he glared at his brother. "You know, the only fuckin' reason we don't have to keep fuckin' following those stupid – delicious – fuckin' gods all the time?!"
"But...I thought you said you figured it out yourself?"
"Yeah, I figured out the loophole to the One-Eyed Bastard's Curse after the fact," Sköll huffed. He looked back at his phone to read up on their father's exploits. "He still taught me how to make clones while you were chasing the moon one night. I taught you during that eclipse back in Nine-Hundred."
"...We should still tell her. It's his fault she's never around." Hati grumbled as he sunk back into his seat. Sköll rolled his eyes.
"You're just a Mama's Puppy."
"Fuck you!"
"Incest ain't my deal, Bro. Unlike your apparent boner for the chained bitch–"
"That's our mother, jackass!"
"Who ditched us, dumbfuck!"
"No, Dad ditched us, after Mom trusted him to take care of us and he stabbed her in the back by bouncing as soon as we got cursed!" Hati sneered as he got in his younger brother's face.
"And we only got cursed because you thought you knew better than Dad!" Sköll snarled. He shoved the older twin back. "He fuckin' told us not to eat godly flesh!"
Both started to growl at each other and one of them barked in surprise when the television suddenly blared a dramatic thrum. They didn't know who it came from, maybe they both barked, but regardless, it sparked the fight that followed suit. Of course, five seconds in, the fight between the Warg Twins was stopped by a roar.
"I can hear yew both fighting from the fucking foundry!"
The ice-shaking snarl had both Wargs jump up to their feet and turn toward their Auncle, who towered over them in all of their androgynous, undead-appearing glory. The ethereal green that illuminated the frost-bitten skin beneath the patchy and frosted over fur was accompanied by a constant cold air that swirled around them. Bright green eyes gleamed as they swiveled from one of the Wargs to the other. Though technically unrelated, the Hound of Hel had helped them get through the long, rough millennia they suffered the All-Father's curse until they'd cracked the technicality that held them bound to their Hunt.
"I took yew two in as a favor to yer father." Garm hissed as they slunk around the sofa and stood within arms' reach of the twins. Hati and Sköll's four ears folded back and they shrank as their Auncle slowly leaned into their space. "The one rule I've always mandated and enforced was what?"
"No fighting–" the two Wargs mumbled, only for their caretaker and superior to fling the furniture around them away with a burst of cold air.
"That neither of yew fuckin' Giant-kin mutts would fight inside mah home!"
"Yes, Auncle." The twins whimpered and whined.
"Don't yew fuckin' cower before me or I'll give yew both a fuckin' reason to!" Garm snarled. Their sinew-torn hands landed on the twins' heads and tightened their claws around the skulls. "Now, one of yew mongrels are goin' to explain why this fight started – Aye said one!" They roared when Hati and Sköll immediately started to open their mouths. Garm snorted frost into their face as the glow in their eyes dimmed. "So...Hati? Why were yew fighting with yer brother?"
"I...Dad's cheating on Mom and he doesn't think it's a big deal!" Hati rushed out as the grip squeezed briefly.
"He's not cheating on her because cheating is a mortal notion!" Sköll grumbled. The golden-furred Warg whined as Garm's grip on his head tightened.
"It's Hati's turn to talk, Sköll. Be a good boy and wait for yers!" Garm growled. They looked back at Hati. "So, yer father is seeing another person and yew think it's a betrayal. Yer allowed to think that, Hati, but yer father is also allowed to make his own decisions, just as yer mother decided to take his place before Odin trapped him. What good comes from telling her he's moved on? What harm is she being spared, if she were to learn that her paramore has found another hole to stuff his cock in?"
"It's just...It's not fair…she gave up everything for him! She trusted him, and he spat on her sacrifice!" Hati snarled. Garm stared at him impassively.
"Hati...Yer almost three thousand years old, so yew should know the truth by now. Sköll figured it out, I thought yew were smart enough to do the same. Clearly, I was wrong, so let me rectify my mistake," the undead hound clapped their hand onto Hati's shoulders, cleared their throat and then looked the elder Warg in the eye. Then, they barked: "Yer mother Fenrid made her fuckin' decision long before either of yew mutts were fuckin' born!"
"...But then…how did Mom and Dad have us?" Hati frowned as his brow furrowed.
"Conjugal visits, dumbass." Sköll grumbled. Hati opened and closed his mouth before he blanched.
"...Oh, fuck, that's what that stain is…"
"Okay, now that we've properly traumatized yer brother, Sköll?"
"This fuckin' Milk-Drinking Momma's Pup got all pissed when he saw Dad hooked up with some Queen Lee-Bellzebubba–"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa–! Time out." Garm released both Wargs' heads and took a step back, as surprise crossed over their normally stoic face. "Yer father hooked up with the 'Party Queen' Bee-Lzebub? ...Are yew sure it's legitimate? What articles are yew looking at?"
"Just this one online." Sköll muttered, lifting his phone.
"One online–? Fer fuck's sake...The print just keeps gettin' smaller! Ugh, I miss stone carvers." Garm grumbled and pulled a pair of cheaters on and squinted into the small screen. Their lips moved as they read over the article and one brow arched up. "Well, revive my body and slap me on the ass, he seems like he's actually invested."
"Auncle!" Hati scowled.
"Oh, shut the fuck up, Hati." Garm rolled their eyes as they leaned back and pulled their cheaters off. "Yer parents were a couple of drunken heathens when they hooked up and yer father only kept his conjugal visits up out of guilt. Once yew two mongrels were out of the womb and rustling about, the visits stopped. I only came into the fuckin' picture because yer father needed to leave so he could find a way to break the damned curse yew brought upon yerselves. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, and I'm fuckin' not, he did!"
"It's a technicality! We can't be seen in the other Realms unless we're chasing the Sun and Moon–!"
"Which technically yew are, with yer fuckin' clones! An ability, mind yew, yer father passed down and taught at least one o' yew how to use it!" Garm snarled. They grabbed Hati by a iron collar that manifested around his neck and pulled him close. "Hati, grow the fuck up! Yew have every fuckin' right to not like yer father. Shit, yew can fuckin' hate his guts for all I care, which I don't, but don't waste my fuckin' time bitchin' that yer father's getting more pussy than yew are or ever will! I don't give a wet shit who he's fucking or who he stopped fucking!"
"But our mother–!"
"Yer mother? Fuck's sake–Hati, here's the real truth: Yer mother is and always was a fuckin nutjob that rest of the Realms all hoped would ne'er reproduce! For fuck's sake, the first thing she did upon getting locked up was biting the fuckin' God of War's hand off! Does that sound like a sane decision to yew?! Even in distress, she's not a fuckin' animal! She's a fuckin deity!" Garm spat as they glared into his eye. Their claw pressed into Hati's chest as they snarled a bone-chilling frost into his face. "Frankly, I think yew fuckin' got some of that crazy in yew, but that's manageable. So I'll tell you this, cause my throat's starting to hurt from all the fuckin' yelling: if yew want to go on a killin' spree, or if yew want to go fuck a bunch a whores, or if yew want to run rampant in Valheim, I'll fuckin' help yew get there! But if yew want to bitch at someone about yer shit life, about how yer daddy 'didn't love yew', and how shit the rest of the rolls were for yew?! THEN GO BITCH AT YER FATHER, CAUSE IT'S HIS FUCKIN' JOB T' HEAR IT! NOT FUCKIN' MINE!"
"...S-So we can go to Hell?" Hati asked.
"Wait, what? I don't wanna go to Hell." Sköll scowled.
"...Yes. YES! As a matter of fuckin' fact, this a mandatory vacation!" Garm turned and slashed their free claws through the air, opening a tear across the Realms of Reality to a bright red realm that had a tower in the center. Hati was thrown through the tear without hesitation and Garm rounded on the younger twin. "Yew can get tossed in, or yew can fuckin' jump."
"...Dick move, Auncle G." Sköll grumbled before he charged forward and dove headfirst through the tear. As soon as his tail passed through, Garm sealed the breech and brought their own phone out to look at the Afterlife Nightly posts.
"Now, I just got to figure out how fuckin' long he's been tappin' that sweet little ass? C'mon tabloids, don't fail me now."
AN: And so we welcome the Warg Brothers. Steve, play that copyrighted music owned by Nintendo! ...What do you mean we couldn't afford it? We have a P4TR3ON! ...Yes, I'm making a shameless plug, what about it? ...No, this is different from that kind of plug. That was to stop the, uh, smell. ...Well, we had to bathe you somehow! Ugh, whatever.
Thanks for reading all, and thank you especially to the following members!
(10) Nervous System
Dillon Osborne
Michael Johnson
Andrew Steven(?)
(3) Skeletal System
Ryan
Scarlet Fox
Baka Okami
ZDonald
Torgalore
(1) Support System
Sly_Dragneel
Thank you all so much for your contributions!