Chapter 17 - Grief: Stage 5

Greene Farm

She slept out in the field that night. If she were being honest, she was afraid that if she did try to sneak back to her tent that she'd run into someone and be forced to explain herself; something she hadn't been in the mood to do. But come morning, she knew she'd have to get a grip of herself and bite the bullet. Tess watched the sunrise over the farm and tried to muster the courage to face reality. Her pangs of hunger were what finally motivated her to get moving and she slowly dawdled back to camp.

Carol appeared to be the only one up at this stage, which Tess was grateful for and the crunching of her footsteps drew her attention. The older woman looked up from her breakfast prep, staring at her with wide, apologetic eyes and Tess immediately knew what was coming.

"Tess, I'm so sorry, I-" Carol began.

"It's okay, Carol. Well… it's not really but I don't blame you for anything." She told her, taking a seat opposite her. Carol still appeared upset and regretful though. "My life is not a secret. I'm not keeping it from people. But I'm not shouting it from the rooftops either, y'know? Hi, I'm an orphan, it's kinda not table talk." She laughed awkwardly,

"Not many people have asked much about me, so they don't know. Sure, I wish last night hadn't been the way they found out but I'm not upset that they know. My issue is with Andrea and hers with me it seems." Carol nodded in understanding, a reflective look on her face as she handed Tess a plate of food.

"What she said was terrible. She never should have said such an awful thing. And your friend… I didn't know."

"Only Rick knew. But even then, I don't really think he realizes… Honestly, I've not wanted to talk about it 'cause if I do then I have to acknowledge that it's real. Maybe I can fool myself into thinking he's still alive, y'know what I mean?" She told Carol before realizing what she'd said. "I'm sorry, Carol, I didn't mean it like that."

"No, it's okay. I do know what you mean. My daughter has been gone for over a week now. I'm the same… I try not to think about it because truthfully…" Carol shook her head sadly and Tess knew what she was getting at. It was an unfortunate reality that they all had to accept.

"It's the not knowing that kills me."

"We'll find her. Either way, we'll find her." Tess told her encouragingly.

"I know you guy's will. But as I told Daryl, please don't get yourself killed in the process." The older woman gave her an amiable smile and she gave her a stiff one in return. She hadn't thought about her last interaction with Daryl since yesterday morning and she still felt uncertain thinking about it now.

Carol didn't miss her far off expression, noticing the way her thoughts drifted elsewhere at the mention of the younger Dixon brother. She smiled a little to herself and put together another plate of food.

"Speaking of, would you mind taking him some breakfast? I'm sure he's awake by now. Best get to him before he tries to drag himself out of bed. Lord knows he's probably itching to get out of there." Tess looked at the plate of food somewhat frightfully but accepted it nonetheless. If he was still in a mood and didn't want to see her, then she could just drop it off and leave. No big deal.

"Sure, no problem."

Tess felt a little silly for being so anxious as she walked up to the house. A twisting knot of nerves wound itself tighter in her belly as she approached and she knew she was just working herself up but she seemed unable to stop. She lingered in front of the door to the bedroom for a moment before knocking quietly and stepping inside.

Daryl wasn't in the bed like she had expected but the door to the bathroom was closed, so it wasn't too hard to figure out where he was. She thought about just leaving him the food and not saying a word but just as she laid the plate on the bedside table, Daryl walked out of the bathroom. He looked at her in surprise and froze in the middle of the doorway.

"Uh- hey. Just leaving you breakfast." Tess said, averting her eyes, Daryl's torso still mostly exposed and she didn't want him to think she was ogling.

"Thanks." He replied quietly and an awkward silence lingered between them.

"Okay." Mumbled Tess, feeling unwelcome and she backtracked to the door.

"You ripped Annie Oakley a good one last night." Daryl said suddenly and Tess turned to face him with a wince.

"You heard that, huh?"

"'Bout time someone told her what's what. She's outta line with what she said. Thinks she knows it all." He shrugged and stiffly sat back down onto the bed.

"You uh- want to talk about it?" He suggested hesitantly and Tess raised an eyebrow in surprise. Was this his way of apologizing?

"Do you?" She replied, uncertain whether he was being genuine or if it were just a token gesture. Daryl shrugged some more.

"Can't say I'll give you any worthwhile insight but if you wanna talk it out, yeah." Tess was shocked at his willingness to lend an ear but didn't even know where to begin.

"I don't really know what to say. Andrea seems to hate me for some reason and I don't know why."

"Told me she was jealous."

"Jealous? Of what?" Tess couldn't recall anyone ever being jealous of her in her entire life. She took a seat at the foot of the bed. She certainly didn't think there was much to be jealous about.

"Reckons you're better than her."

"That's ridiculous. What the hell makes her think that?"

"I'd say just about everything." Tess frowned, confused. Was that a compliment?

"I seriously don't understand people."

"That makes two of us. What she said about your family, that true?"

"Yeah. My parents gave me up when I was a baby."

"You ever try find them?" To say she hadn't thought about it was a lie but she never saw the point. She'd only be setting herself up for another rejection.

"Nah. Way I see it, they didn't want me so I didn't want them."

"Fair enough. Family ain't always blood anyway." He told her and Tess felt particularly touched.

"Yeah, you're right."

"The friend you lost, they get bit?"

"Yeah… Nate. He uh- it happened just before I met Rick. I should'a done it but I just couldn't bring myself to, y'know? I think he knew that."

"Were you two…?"

"What?"

"Nevermind." Daryl shifted awkwardly, as though he wished he hadn't said any. Tess could have sworn she could see a hint of color in his cheeks.

"Together? No. We served together. Closest friend I ever had. Maybe once or twice I thought there could be something there but no. It's never really been in the cards for me it seems."

"Merle used to try to set me up with any woman with a pulse. 'Cept, the women he knew were… loose. I wasn't that interested in getting the clap." Tess laughed,

"Can't say I blame you. Your brother sounds… interesting."

"That's a nice way to put it."

"Do you ever think about looking for him again?"

"Nah, he's long gone. B'sides, I couldn't bring him back here, could I?" Daryl replied flippantly, as if he'd recently been thinking it over.

"No, I don't suppose he's the forgiving type."

"He got what was comin' to him. But he ain't gonna see it that way."

"I don't think I'd be very happy either if I had to cut my hand off." Tess commented, looking down at her hands. The skin around her nails was raw and red from where she'd been picking at them anxiously. Daryl noticed them too and frowned.

"Looks sore." He commented and Tess raised a brow in confusion. She saw him looking down at her hands and sighed, ashamed of her terrible habit.

"I don't even notice it anymore." She confessed, absentmindedly picking at them again.

Daryl looked her over, noticing the way her shoulders were hunched and tense and he guessed the nail picking was a result of stress. She seemed more on edge than usual and he wasn't sure why. Surely it wasn't just because of Andrea?

"What happened?"

"Sorry?" She asked, uncertain what he was referring to.

"You're actin' weird. What happened?"

Tess paused for a moment, considering whether to tell him everything that had happened over the last twenty-four hours but she knew it would only make him angry. The last thing she needed was him trying to pick a fight with Shane, she sensed it wouldn't take much of an excuse for him to do so given how much he already disliked the guy.

"Nothin' really. There's just been a lot going on lately and I'm not really sleeping but what's new." Daryl didn't look like he believed her but he didn't press. "Has Hershel been in to check your wounds this morning?" She asked, diverting the topic of conversation and looking over at the small silver basin to the other side of the bed. In it lay bandages, scissors and gauze. Daryl shook his head and set his empty plate aside.

"Do you… want me to?" She offered hesitantly, knowing he'd likely say no. He immediately grew tense and scowled, causing Tess to sigh. "If it makes it easier… I already saw the… I didn't mean to look, it just kinda happened." She spoke slowly, hoping he wouldn't get upset. Daryl's glare grew,

"And what? You feeling sorry for me now?" He sneered, spitefully but she didn't take it to heart. She was beginning to understand that most of his ire was purely in self defense.

"Not really, no." She admitted with a shrug. "I feel sorry for the kid you were but not for you now." He hadn't been expecting that response and he wasn't entirely sure how to react. "And if it makes you feel any better, well, I've seen a lot worse. It doesn't scare me."

Daryl was still apprehensive and uncomfortable about the prospect of being so exposed and vulnerable in front of Tess. He didn't feel judgment though, which was what he feared most and he found himself nodding slowly, allowing her to step in for Hershel. She smiled at him softly and got to her feet.

"Okay, easy one first." She said quietly and prompted him to lay back against the headboard. She knelt one knee beside him on the bed and reached up to the bandage covering his head wound. Tess slowly peeled it off and folded it up.

"Can you pass me that bowl, please?" She asked him, pointing at the metal bowl beside him with the gauze. He laid it in front of her and she used a clean piece of gauze to clean the stitching. She habitually brushed away his hair to get a better look and Daryl was surprised by how gentle she was. The tender way in which she raked back his hair felt nice and he snuck a look up at her. Thankfully, she was too focused to notice.

Daryl had never had a crush before, even when he was a young boy in school. Most girls never wanted to know him and he, in turn, didn't want to know them either. Merle's reputation certainly hadn't helped him, so it was almost like he was set up for failure from the get go. As he got older, women never really took interest in him either, unless they were drunk and then he wasn't interested.

Not to say he hadn't taken advantage of willing women before but they were never more than a one night stand. Sure, he'd had posters on his wall of half naked women, like any red-blooded man would that were so inclined. But despite all of that, he'd never had a crush on any of them. He'd certainly never felt the way he did right now. And boy, did that make him nervous.

"Looks good. No excessive frowning and you'll be healed up in no time." She laughed softly, smiling to herself. She applied more antiseptic cream for good measure and placed a new bandage on top.

"Can you lean forward for me?" She asked gently and Daryl shook himself from his thoughts, wincing as he tried to lean forward. He felt her hand on his shoulder, supporting him and he suppressed the urge to tell her to back off.

"I'll be quick, promise." She unwound the bandage from his torso deftly just as she said and took a good look at the puncture wound in his back. "You're damn lucky. Got some major organs you could have shish-kebabed." She cleaned up the wounds on either side of his body and applied the ointment. She placed new adhesive bandages on to cover the stitches and allowed him to lie back.

"Easy." She grinned at him and Daryl felt a little smirk pull at his lips. "You should rest. I'll let Hershel know you're doing okay."

Tess tossed away the old bandages and collected Daryl's plate. Before leaving the room, she looked at him one last time.

"I know you hate it but just take the day, yeah?" She asked, hoping he wouldn't fight her on it. It was quite literally the least he could do given his condition. Daryl eventually nodded and Tess smiled, triumphant.

"Thank you. I'll see ya later." She told him and left the room, feeling much better about their friendship than she had yesterday.

—

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful. Tess paired up with T-Dog to scout through the forest for any sign of Sophia. He remained relatively tight-lipped about last night's blow up, which she appreciated. He'd asked her if she was okay and convinced by her positive response, he didn't ask much more. The way he saw it, it wasn't his business and if she wanted to talk about it then she would.

They didn't have much luck trying to track down the young girl today either. Even though their search grid had been cut near in half, it was still a lot of ground to cover. Despite six of them out there, it wasn't enough to cover the entire area. It was beginning to feel like more and more of a pointless endeavor and Tess worried that once Carl was back up onto his feet that Hershel would be expecting them to move on. She didn't know how Carol would take it. It certainly didn't seem fair to hold out for one child but not another but they were still guests here and their welcome was limited to how far the Greene patriarch was willing to extend it.

By all accounts, they certainly hadn't done a good job at encouraging Hershel to let them stay. They just seemed to continue to bring trouble to his doorstep and Tess wouldn't be surprised if he couldn't wait to see neither hide nor hair of them. Tess thought about Maggie and Glenn and whether he'd expect her to come with should they be forced to leave. She didn't think Glenn would be welcome to stay and certainly didn't think that Maggie would be willing to leave her family. It seemed a shame they would likely have to give up on whatever it was they had going on before they had the chance to make it something more.

When they made it back to camp that evening, Tess largely kept to herself until dinner. She sat at the front of her tent, taking in the last of the day's sun, and studied the components of her bow, figuring out how it all worked and what parts did what. It reminded her of when she was learning how to dismantle and clean different guns during her early days in the military. She'd signed up as soon as she had turned seventeen, eager to make something of herself and give her life purpose. It seemed like a lifetime ago now. So much had changed, both herself and the world and she wasn't entirely sure which one she struggled to recognize more.

"Hey, uh, Tess. You got a minute?" Rick suddenly appeared before her and she looked up, caught off guard.

"Hey. Yeah of course, what's up? You're not about to tell me off are you?" She laughed awkwardly, noticing the way he seemed almost agitated. Rick shook his head and sat down in front of her.

"You ain't a kid. Honestly, I think you let her off easy." He admitted much to her surprise.

"So what did you wanna talk about then?" She asked curiously.

"What you said last night reminded me of something I should have done a long time ago."

"What's that?" She frowned, really at a loss as to what he meant by that.

From his back pocket, Rick pulled out a crumpled piece of folded paper and a string of metal. At first, she didn't recognize it and she wondered what Rick possibly needed to show her that he couldn't just say. Then she saw the scrawly handwriting on the front fold. In faded black marker, was her name, RESA. At the end of the chain that swung loose from Rick's hand was a small metal tag that Tess recognized all too well.

"Wh- what? Where did you..? You took that from the hospital?" Her heart thumped harshly in her chest and her throat tightened up as she realized what was being handed to her.

"I know you said you didn't want it but… I figured maybe one day you would." Tess' fingers brushed over the messy handwriting, trembling. "I didn't know what he meant to you. I never even asked you about it and I'm sorry." Rick told her quietly and Tess shook her head slowly, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Thank you, Rick. Really." She looked over at him gratefully and embraced him in an appreciative hug, which he returned.

"I'll give you some space while you…"

"Thank you."

Rick got to his feet and left Tess to sit on her own.

Tess clutched Nate's dog tag tightly, the weight of it, no matter how small, was what she needed to fill that missing piece of her. She sentimentally traced over her name on the front of the paper with her fingertips. Nate was the only person who had ever called her by that name and it felt like a stab through the heart seeing it one last time.

The wrinkled paper shook in her hands as she unfolded it. The same sheet of paper that she'd decided she didn't want to read just a month ago, now seemed like the most important thing ever. The recognizably untidy handwriting was printed in black ink and it read;

Hey Resa,

I wonder how long it has taken you to read this? I know you were probably angry. I know you too well. Couldn't let you do it though. Not this. Not for me.

I am sorry things had to end this way. It's not really the blaze of glory I imagined for you and I.

Can't say I'd take any of it back though. We had great times, didn't we?

I guess I just want to say I'm sorry I'm writing this all down in a letter instead of telling you face to face. There's a lot I wish I had the time to say.

I'm really glad it was you and me in the end. Wherever you are now, I hope you're happy. You deserve to be.

You were everything.

Until I see you again,

N

Gentle tears hit the page as she finally grieved the loss of her friend. It was the catharsis she needed desperately in order to let go and a giant weight felt like it was lifted from her shoulders. Her quiet sobs were a mix of relief and sadness. Yes, it solidified the fact that he was really gone but it reassured her that there was no sadness, nor anger or fear. He went out on his own terms and that was all anyone could ever want.

In the dark, Tess built a cross alongside Otis' under the willow tree and laid Nate's tags to rest.